Bacon cures Hangovers, Bullets cure Pirates, Future Conventional Wars Declared over Today

> Researchers discover bacon sandwiches cure hangovers
> U.S. snipers fire three shots, kill three pirates
> Obama’s Pentagon says no major war will ever break out: slashing military tech

Inebriated Press
April 14, 2009

Mmmm bacon

Mmmm bacon

The UK Telegraph reported last week that scientists have discovered bacon sandwiches actually cure hangovers – by boosting the level of amines which clear the brain.  And CNN reported yesterday that U.S. Navy SEAL snipers fired a single shot at each of three Somali pirates pointing AK-47’s at a U.S. ship captain they held hostage, hitting each pirate in the head and killing them while leaving the American unharmed.  Meanwhile, China’s Xinhuanet reported last week that U.S. Defense Secretary Robert Gates said he wants to slash spending on major military hardware and missile defense systems, because there is no longer the risk of a conventional war in the future.  Pundits are debating the effect of bacon and bullets on the human brain and wondering what’s going on inside the U.S. defense secretary’s skull.

GI Joe“Let’s get real about just how well we can predict the future of military conflict by taking a look at how accurately we predicted the attack on 9-11 after Clinton slashed the military budget and eliminated major funding to the intelligence agencies, on the theory that since the cold war was over, the U.S. no longer had any major threats left in the world,” said Harold P. Sluzbolt, a market analyst and investor constantly eating bacon sandwiches to fend off the hangovers caused by heaving drinking spawned by the subprime mortgage mess and the governments multi-trillion dollar spending spree designed to reign in government spending and stimulate consumer confidence.  “We don’t know what the hell kinds of wars we’ll be fighting in the future and while I won’t argue about the need to address unconventional warfare — like the shit we’ve got going on with pirates and terrorists today — we can’t sit still and watch China building it’s nuclear submarine force, and aircraft carriers, and watch while Russia grabs pieces of Georgia and routinely shakes down Europe over gas, while handing  nuclear technology to Iran — then think all we’ll have to deal with in the future are a handful of pirates or terrorists.  The reason we have unconventional warfare today is because no one in their right mind wants to fight the U.S. in a conventional war.  That will change if we let it.  If Gates and Obama don’t think it will, then their brains are full of shit and need more than bacon to clear them up.”

Pelosi, Queen of Capitulation

Pelosi, Queen of Capitulation

Not everyone agrees with Sluzbolt.  “It’s time that the U.S. lay down it’s arms, stop talking about putting missile defense systems in Europe or anyplace else in the world, and make peace with everyone by smiling a lot and giving anyone who wants something whatever it is they want,” said U.S. Speaker of the House Nancy Pelosi, as she whipped a couple bureaucrats for not printing money fast enough to fund ‘stimulus’ bill crap, like tattoo removal in Los Angeles.  “The quicker we surrender to the demands of pirates and terrorists, the faster we’ll have peace in our time, like we already have with the Russians and Chinese.  If we destroy all of our nuclear weapons and eliminate most of our conventional military forces, the Chinese and Russians will like us even better.  And the pirates are just third world country entrepreneurs – we should be encouraging them by giving them low interest government-guaranteed loans instead of shooting them in the head just because they’re shaking us down like the North Koreans do.  We must progress faster than we are toward peaceful capitulation.  I hope the U.S. SEAL killings don’t give Barack a rush and make him think he can stop evil-doers by shooting them.  We should be giving them money and stuff.  That’s how we rehab rapist-murderers in California.  This is similar.”

Hangover Cure

Hangover Cure

The Telegraph reported that a bacon sandwich really does cure a hangover – by boosting the level of amines which clear the head, scientists have found. Researchers said food also speeds up the metabolism helping the body get rid of the booze more quickly. Elin Roberts, of Newcastle University’s Centre for Life said: “Food doesn’t soak up the alcohol but it does increase your metabolism helping you deal with the after-effects of over indulgence. So food will often help you feel better. Bread is high in carbohydrates and bacon is full of protein, which breaks down into amino acids. Your body needs these amino acids, so eating them will make you feel good. Bingeing on alcohol depletes neurotransmitters too, but bacon contains a high level of aminos which tops these up, giving you a clearer head.” Better brains with bacon.  Gotta like that.

Real Freedom Fighters

Real Freedom Fighters

CNN reported that in the end, it was a single moment and three phenomenal shots that brought the hostage crisis to its dramatic finish. The on-scene U.S. commander of the USS Bainbridge, which had come to try to negotiate the U.S. ship captain’s release from Somali pirates, could see the three pirates “were very, very intense. One of them held his AK-47 in the back of the captain. We were always concerned about the imminent danger to the captain.” The captain was safe after U.S. Navy SEALS fired three gunshots. All three fatal. Fired in the dark by the highly trained SEALs as the pirates’ boat rocked in the water off Somalia. “Phenomenal shots — 75 feet away,” said Navy Vice Adm. Bill Gortney, who oversees the region. The pirates had repeatedly threatened to kill Phillips, Gortney said. The Navy SEAL team had parachuted in and taken up positions on the Bainbridge’s back deck. Even with the small boat “moving up and down a couple of feet,” the SEALs hit their targets. “Remarkable marksmanship,” Gortney said. In the minutes after, a special operations team shimmied along the tow rope to the lifeboat, confirmed that three pirates had been killed, and took Phillips back to the Navy ships that had gathered nearby.

Obama's new military tech

Obama's new military tech

Xinhuanet reported that last week U.S. Secretary of Defense Robert Gates outlined a new vision of U.S. defense spending as he announced the fiscal year 2010 defense budget plan that cuts funding for many major weapon programs. A number of expensive traditional programs will be terminated under the proposal, including ending purchases of F-22 fighter jets and canceling an Air Force communication satellite program. The defense secretary also proposed delays in other programs, including the CG-X next generation cruiser program as well as the amphibious ship and sea-basing programs. He also calls for stopping development of Army Brigade Combat Teams (BCT).  Gates’ proposal reflects the Obama administration’s bid to shift defense spending focus from preparations for large-scale conventional war to counterinsurgency operations which the new U.S. government thinks would likely to be top military challenges in coming decades.

Gratuitous sling shot bikini pic

Gratuitous sling shot bikini pic

Wall Street Journal reported Friday that Mr. Gates’s budget priorities give no indication of how the Pentagon will ensure that U.S. military dominance extends to the battlefield of the future, outer space. President Obama has said he opposes the “militarization of space,” but space is already a crucial area of operations and China is looking for advantages there. WSJ also said the $1.4 billion in cuts to missile defense are especially worrisome, with losers including the Airborne Laser, designed to shoot down ballistic missiles in the boost phase, and additional interceptors planned for the ground-based system in Alaska. Instead, Mr. Gates favors theater defenses for soldiers on the battlefield with $700 million more in funding, arguing that this will address the near-term threat of short-range missiles. But as North Korea’s recent launch showed, rogue regimes aren’t far away from securing long-range missiles that could reach the U.S.

Gratuitous bacon bra pic

Gratuitous bacon bra pic

In other news, the UK Daily Record reported last week that a cyclist in China was knocked out after being hit by a corpse thrown from a speeding car. Student Wu Dan, 16, was riding home when the incident happened. His uncle Yun Tsui said: “A car passed and a package came flying out the door. It had a dead woman inside. My nephew was very upset.” Police believe she was the victim of a car accident and was being dumped by the driver who had hit her in Dongyang, eastern China.  No word on whether the U.S. Department of Defense has contingency plans in place to defend the U.S. from the flying bodies of Chinese women, but chances are, regardless the conventional or unconventional warfare prep, nobody will see those chicks coming.

(C) 2009 InebriatedPress.com

Source articles:

Bacon sandwich really does cure a hangover
http://www.telegraph.co.uk/scienceandtechnology/science/sciencenews/5118283/Bacon-sandwich-really-does-cure-a-hangover.html

3 ‘phenomenal shots’ ended pirate hostage crisis
http://edition.cnn.com/2009/WORLD/africa/04/13/somalia.rescue.breakdown/

Pentagon chief outlines new vision of U.S. defense spending
http://news.xinhuanet.com/english/2009-04/07/content_11140154.htm

The Pentagon’s New Priorities
http://online.wsj.com/article/SB123932989993207725.html#mod=rss_opinion_main

Requiem for the War on Terror
http://www.alarabonline.org/english/display.asp?fname=2009%5C04%5C04-12%5Czopinionz%5C970.htm&dismode=x&ts=12/04/2009%2002:58:18%20%C3%A3

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