Air is Killing You, Dagger-Dicking is Damaging, and Brazilian Monkey Nuts get the Axe

> Obama’s EPA declares the air you exhale a public danger
> Jamaican doctors report increase in rough sex injuries to men parts
> Brazilian monkeys to loose testicles

Inebriated Press
April 20, 2009

Greenhouse gas

Greenhouse gas

The Wall Street Journal reported Friday that the U.S. Environmental Protection Agency (EPA) issued a finding that carbon dioxide — the air you exhale — is a greenhouse gas and poses a danger to the public.  This sets the stage for a battle over regulations that could have far reaching impact on Americans.  And, the U.K. Sun reported that Jamaican Doctors say there’s been an increase in injuries to men caused by rough sex referred to as “daggering” which can result in permanent penile damage.  Meanwhile, health officials in Brazil say they must catch Capuchin monkeys and give them vasectomies in order to control disease. Inebriated reporters who have stopped holding their breath, thus giving up on trying to save the world, are now contemplating the risks of rough sex, and disease caused by monkey testicles.

Someone named Holly

Someone named Holly

“It’s pretty obvious that the world would be better off without human beings since we exhale warm moist air and that’s a greenhouse gas, and it’s destroying the planet and life as we know it.  I held my breath as long as I could hoping that it would slow the warming of the earth following the ice age, but if I keep it up I’ll just pass out and die.  Screw that,” said Holly McWarm-Boddy, an environmentalist-writer who also sells SUV’s and rough sex part-time.  “I don’t know about the benefits of cutting off monkey nuts but I have a feeling that the country would be better off if climate change guys like Al Gore had theirs clipped.  Maybe that’s just wishful thinking.”

Someone named Jenni

Someone named Jenni

Not everyone sees it the way McWarm-Boddy does.  “We have almost a hundred years worth of data and that proves the earth has only been warming since we started tracking it, and that everything was great for the previous million years.  We don’t know for sure what happened to the dinosaurs, but it was probably Republican-driven SUV exhaust channeling backward across time somehow and killing them.  Damn conservatives,” said Jenni Hyper-Gasse, a professional trivia expert who lives off of government grants and other people’s labor, for the good of humankind.  “Once the Obama administration puts new rules in place that caps the number of conservatives that can live in the U.S. and then gradually reduces them over time, we’ll finally get the environmental problems that plague the planet under control.  Humans are bad in and of themselves, but conservative humans are worse, and American conservative humans — especially white males — are basically terrorists.  The recent Department of Homeland Security report pretty much spells that out.  My guess is that we’ll have to cut the nuts off of most white American males — especially if they’re in the military — before this is all over, just to reduce the disease that is conservatism.  It’s kind of a shame because a few of them are cute and I like a little rough sex now and then with real men rather than the metrosexuals I hang out with.  Oh well.  We all have to sacrifice for the good of the planet.”

EPAThe Wall Street Journal reported that the U.S. Environmental Protection Agency on Friday issued a finding that carbon dioxide and other greenhouse gases pose a danger to the public, setting the stage for a battle over regulations that could have far-reaching impact on the U.S. economy. Unless superseded by congressional action, the EPA finding potentially could lead to a wave of new regulations, putting stricter emissions limits on a wide range of enterprises from power plants and oil refineries to automobiles and cement makers. Business groups have warned that using the Clean Air Act to control greenhouse gases could result in costly new burdens for businesses. Environmental groups have cheered the signals that the Obama administration would declare greenhouse gases a danger.

Save your breath, save the planet

Save your breath, save the planet

The House Energy and Commerce Committee will hold hearings this week on an Obama proposal to cap carbon emissions and sell tradable permits that businesses must buy to emit carbon dioxide. The EPA finding comes about two years after the Supreme Court found that carbon dioxide is a pollutant under the Clean Air Act and that the EPA can regulate it. The finding marks a significant turn in U.S. policy on climate change. It isn’t clear how quickly the Obama administration will act to start writing new rules based on the EPA finding.

Broken dagger

Broken dagger

The Sun reported that hospitals are treating a flood of agonized men for fractured penises due to a bizarre sex craze. Doctors in Jamaica report the number of cases has almost trebled in a year after a rise in so-called “daggering”. They say injuries occur during the fast, rough intercourse and can result in permanent damage. A doctor at Kingston Public Hospital on the island said: “We have noticed an increase. During very rigorous intercourse the man can hit the woman’s pubic bone and sustain a fracture. There is a loud popping sound, excruciating pain and swelling.”

Soon to be nutless monkey

Soon to be nutless monkey

NineMSN reported that the monkey business is about to end for some Brazilian primates. Health officials in the central city of Goiania plan to perform vasectomies on 25 wild, urban-dwelling monkeys to keep their population in check and control disease. They’re looking to catch male Capuchin monkeys in three city parks, each of which has about eight female mates. The animals will be netted, snipped and released. The parks’ monkey population has grown to about 170 in recent months, and project head Marize Moreira said on Thursday some have been found to carry yellow fever. Sick monkeys can’t pass the disease directly to humans, but mosquitoes that bite infected monkeys can transmit it.

Don't try building these at home; professionals only

Don't try building these at home; professionals only

In other news, the UK Metro reported Thursday that a man has been arrested in Spain for using veterinary instruments to perform breast and buttock implants on patients in his squalid home. The man, who reports say did not have a medical license, is believed to have charged patients between €250 and €500 to inject them with liquid silicone – using instruments designed for use by vets to inject animals. The injections were carried out in his home, which was reported to be filthy, and was also home to three dogs, one cat and a parrot. The man was arrested on Friday, following a complaint about a sub-standard breast enhancement. No word on whether he also cut off monkey’s nuts or repaired dagger damaged men’s dicks, but chances are he was exhaling carbon dioxide with no thought to the environment.  The bastard.

(C) 2009 InebriatedPress.com

EPA Calls Greenhouse Gases a Danger
http://online.wsj.com/article/SB123997738881429275.html#mod=djemalertNEWS

Forget scary eco-crunch: This Earth is enough
Environmental campaigners say we’d need five planets if we all lived at American standards. Catchy – but wrong
http://www.theglobeandmail.com/servlet/story/LAC.20090416.COLOMBORG16ART1953//TPStory/Comment

‘Daggering’ sex alert for blokes
http://www.thesun.co.uk/sol/homepage/news/article2379533.ece

Brazilian monkeys face vasectomies
http://news.ninemsn.com.au/article.aspx?id=802835

Fake doctor used vet tools for boob jobs
http://www.metro.co.uk/weird/article.html?Fake_doctor_used_vet_tools_for_boob_jobs&in_article_id=623247&in_page_id=2

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