New Jihadi workout Magazine, High School Reunion Strippers, and, Long Distance Intimacy Devices

> Pro al-Qaeda magazine offers jihadi fitness tips
> Stripper Impersonates High School Alum at Reunion
> Bedroom intimacy device invented for long distance relationships

Inebriated Press
April 23, 2009

High school reunion?

High school reunion?

ABC News reported Tuesday that a new pro al-Qaeda magazine for extremists has been launched and offers fitness tips for jihadists planning attacks on Americans.  And ABC News also reported that a Palos Verdes woman hired a stripper to impersonate her at her 10-year high school reunion, and then videoed the reactions and posted clips on YouTube.  Meanwhile, BBC News reported on Wednesday that couples in long distance relationships are being sought to try out a prototype device designed to communicate intimacy from their bedrooms.  Pundits are organizing an army of fake pro al-Qaeda workout strippers and arranging for them to mate with real al Qaeda terrorists using long distance technology so that no offspring will be created and eventually the terrorists will die out.

Someone named Kathy

Someone named Kathy

“If we can get hot looking strippers to pretend to be workout experts for al Qaeda and then make the terrorists think they’re in long distance relationships with them, we believe we may eventually get the terrorists to play video games thinking that they’re acting out long-distance scenarios in real life — you know, getting multiple wives and children and stuff –and even believe that they’re blowing up people and cutting their heads off, when in reality it’s all fake,” said Kathy Litenight-Mayhem, a philosopher and heavy crane operator who mixes reality with illusion the way Obama does truth and lies. “If this can be made to work, all future al Qaeda terrorists will be acting in cyberspace and not in the real world.  They’ll believe they’re doing all the terrible things that they want to, and have scores of child-wives that they abuse and knock-up and stuff, but they won’t really be doing it all.  Then when they’re not suspecting we’ll have Special Op’s guys walk in and cap the lot of them.  Quick, easy, inexpensive and they amount to nothing.  It’s worth a shot.”

Someone named Zack

Someone named Zack

Not everyone sees it the way Litenight-Mayhem does.  “Converting terrorists into cyber actors engaged in their routine shit but all in a video game won’t work.  Terrorists are highly tactile and value hands-on beheadings with the blood squirting all over; they like the crunching sound of their fists hitting their wives, and seeing the parts of suicide bombers and their victims splatter against the windows of their trucks as they wait and watch,” said Zack Tripplet, throwing-up at the thought of the stuff he just said.  “I wish they could be sucked into a delusion that would get them away from the violent killing, but it’s not to be.  We have to keep hunting them down and killing them the old fashioned way.  Of course now that Obama has declared that there is no war on terrorism and has plans to punish Bush administration officials who kept us safe, all bets are off on what reality means and what the U.S. is willing to do.  After Obama’s Apology Tour of 2009 and with his recent decisions to cut major military spending and stop serious interrogations, the U.S. has become an impotent colossus.”

Jihad exerciseABC News reported that a new pro al-Qaeda magazine for extremists is offering fitness tips to jihadists planning attacks against Americans in countries such as Afghanistan. The first edition out this month offers workout tips to get buff with the aim “to train as hard as possible in order to damage the enemies of Allah as much as possible.” The English language e-zine, Jihad Recollections, is about 70 pages long and is thought to be produced by an American living in North Carolina. It claims to have articles written by Osama bin Laden and his second in command, Ayman al-Zawahiri.

Jihad workout

Jihad workout

Pull-ups, walking on your hands and crawling long distances are just some of the suggested exercises that come along with illustrations of white-robed men with scarves covering their faces…perhaps not the most comfortable of work-out clothing. Ashleigh Prince, a fitness instructor in London, has a few problems with it. “I don’t see the benefits of walking on your hands or crawling at all — it would be much more beneficial to do other types of exercises to build strength, such as push-ups.”

Wachner & "Cricket"

Wachner & "Cricket"

ABC News reported that rather than attend her 10-year high school reunion, Andrea Wachner, 31, sent someone else in her place, a stripper, and made a documentary about it. On the day of the reunion, Wachner brought a crew, two cameramen and a sound technician to the Marriott Hotel in Torrance, Calif., and set up near the festivities. The stripper, named “Cricket” showed up in a burlesque outfit: fishnets, a tight black dress that resembled a slip, and tall black spike-heeled boots. Her visible tattoos and short jet-black hair, accented with a purple flower, only added to her look, which differed markedly from the formal attire of the other reunion attendees.

Stripper KendraCricket told the reunion attendees that she’d had reconstructive surgery and also suffered from amnesia. It wasn’t completely unbelievable, because some had already heard that the real-life Wachner was in an accident after high school — her car was totaled and she had been injured, but she had never suffered from amnesia. As the evening went on Cricket took a chair to the dance floor and began stripping. As she pulled off her top, and then her skirt, revealing her underwear, several of the alums clapped, screamed and laughed. One woman ran up to Cricket and stuffed a bill in her panties. Some just gaped in amazement. The resulting documentary, “I Remember Andrea” wasn’t picked up by the film festivals this go-around, but Wachner did find a manager who took interest in her project. They are shopping it around as a reality TV show or a narrative feature.

Mutsugoto's "light" touch

Mutsugoto's "light" touch

BBC News reported that Moray-based technology laboratory, Distance Lab, hopes to find three couples willing to use Mutsugoto, a new “intimacy device”. The device allows couples, who are separated by distance, to draw in light on each other’s bodies or beds. Stefan Agamanolis, one of its three developers, said it will be the first time it is tested in this way. Distance Lab, which describes itself as a creative research organization; hope to find couples where one partner lives in the capital while the other, who will be given a portable device, lives a few hundred miles away. Mr Agamanolis said the device was designed to communicate intimacy and to offer an alternative to text and e-mail messaging.

While lying on their beds ...

While lying on their beds ...

While lying on their beds miles away from each other, the couples wear touch-activated rings visible to a camera mounted above them. A computer vision system tracks the movement of the ring as one of the device’s users passes it across their own body, or bed. At the same time these strokes are transmitted to and projected in beams of light on the body of their partner. The lines change color if they cross. Also in development is a game in which people can throw themselves at a life-sized image of an opponent who could be on the other side of the world. Remote Impact is an interactive fighting game. In the prototype, people battle a silhouette projected on to a mattress and can register brute force.

In other news, Breitbart reported Monday that Abraham Lincoln was a Muslim, according to Faruq Masudi, producer and director of the new Islamic movie, Quran Contemporary Connections. “According to the Quran, everybody is born a Muslim,” said Masudi.  “It is only by his own free will that a man chooses a different course for himself. Abraham Lincoln was not only a born Muslim but he chose to live by Islamic edicts like abolishing organized slavery; establishing equality of all human beings, democracy and accountability to God and Man; core Islamic concepts as propounded in the Holy Quran.” No word on whether Masudi likes long distance relationships or al Qaeda strippers, but he’s clearly creating his own reality with video.  So he’s got that going for him.

(C) 2009 InebriatedPress.com

Source articles:

How to Get in Shape Jihadi Style
A New Pro Al-Qaeda Magazine for Extremists is Offering Fitness Tips to Jihadists
http://abcnews.go.com/International/story?id=7389753&page=1

Stripper Impersonates High School Alum: Classmates Learn About Reunion Prank on YouTube
Andrea Wachner Asked a Pole Dancer to Impersonate Her at Her 10-Year Reunion
http://abcnews.go.com/Entertainment/Story?id=7364963&page=3

Couples to test ‘intimacy’ device
http://news.bbc.co.uk/2/hi/uk_news/scotland/highlands_and_islands/8004769.stm
 
Abraham Lincoln was Born a Muslim, Says Film Maker
http://www.breitbart.com/article.php?id=prnw.20090420.CL01596&show_article=1&catnum=-1

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