Monthly Archives: May 2009

In Hell and Lov’n It

Far Side: in-hell-and-loving-it

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Ducks Revenge

Far Side: Ducks revenge

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US Citizenship as Birthright may End, Red Bull contains Cocaine now, and Murderer Serving Life in Prison gets Knocked Up, gives Birth

> Georgia lawmaker wants to end ‘birthright citizenship’
> Red Bull banned in Germany for containing Cocaine
> Convicted murderer out on ‘day release’ gets knocked up at hotel, gives birth to daughter

Inebriated Press
May 29, 2009

CocaineThe Associated Press reported Monday that U.S. Representative Nathan Deal (R-Georgia) has proposed changing the long-standing federal policy that automatically grants citizenship to any baby born on U.S. soil, a move opposed by immigrant rights advocates.  And, The Sun reported Tuesday that Germany has pulled Red Bull “energy drink” off all store shelves after routine food safety tests found that it contains cocaine, a Class A drug.  Meanwhile, the Manchester Evening News reported that Lisa Healey, a convicted murderer serving life in prison, gave birth to a baby girl after getting pregnant at a hotel while on day release.  Inebriated reporters all drugged up on Red Bull are supporting new regulations that allow anyone born on earth to be named a U.S. citizen if they want it, and receive national healthcare, just like murderers who get knocked up while taking time off from serving life in prison.

Someone named Elena

Someone named Elena

“Terrorists have the same rights as U.S. citizens and death row killers get free health care, so it only makes sense that we simply hand out U.S. citizenship to anyone who asks for it, and we give free health care to everyone who’s not in prison — it’s about fairness and equity to everyone who wants something,” said Elena Von Questionmarc, a part-time Inebriated reporter and part-time sober stripper, sometimes all on the same day.  “President Obama says terrorists rights should be respected, and North Korean dictators placated, and Iranian nuke-heads befriended, and all god’s children should have free healthcare provided by idiots who work for a living.  I can’t argue with that. Why would I?  I may stop working myself for no particular reason and I’ll still want to be taken care of — receive government welfare and healthcare.  It’s really my right as an American.  There will always be some morons who will want to work.  Let’s tax the hell out of them, it’ll serve them right for thinking that just because they work hard that they’re somehow better than other people who don’t.  Quick, give me another hit of Red Bull before I quit quivering and start feeling depressed.”

Someone named Desiree

Someone named Desiree

Not everyone agrees with Von Questionmarc.  “Examples of foolishness abound in America today, but the proposal that babies born on U.S. soil shouldn’t get automatic citizenship unless at least one of their parents is already a U.S. citizen, isn’t one of them.  It makes good sense.  Why should being born on a patch of dirt grant you special privileges if your parents are on that dirt illegally?  It shouldn’t.  And national healthcare is a disaster wherever it’s been tried.  Why do American socialists think they’re smarter than UK or Canadian ones?  The whole idea is just plain silly,” said Desiree Disirable-Thinkr, a market analyst at the Lusty Virgin Healthcare Clinic and Battery Sales Warehouse.  “As far as killer inmates getting knocked up on their day off goes, I think that’s a good example of abject stupidity on the part of the government.  Killers will do whatever they want; I think that’s pretty apparent.  Government shouldn’t allow them to perpetuate their kind, let alone be allowed in situations where it’s even possible.  But at least Red Bull has cocaine in it.  Finally I’ve been getting my money’s worth out of some damn thing.”

We're all Americans ... when we feel like it ...

We're all Americans ... when we feel like it ...

The Associated Press reported that U.S. Rep. Nathan Deal, a Republican candidate for governor of Georgia, has proposed changing the long-standing federal policy that automatically grants citizenship to any baby born on U.S. soil, a move opposed by immigrant rights advocates. Supporters of Deal’s proposal say “birthright citizenship” encourages illegal immigration and makes enforcement of immigration laws more difficult. Opponents say the proposed law wouldn’t solve the illegal immigration problem and goes against this country’s traditions of welcoming immigrants. Deal and his supporters say the 14th Amendment wording was never meant to automatically give citizenship to babies born to illegal immigrants. Under Deal’s proposal, babies born in the U.S. would automatically have citizenship only if at least one of their parents is a U.S. citizen or national, a legal permanent resident of the U.S., or actively serving in the U.S. military. Supporters of the bill say automatic citizenship provides an incentive for women to risk coming to the country illegally. They call U.S.-born children of illegal immigrants “anchor babies” because, when they become adults, the children can sponsor their parents for legal permanent residency. Deal, who has submitted his bill to the House Judiciary Committee, said he’s not optimistic about it becoming law this year unless it is tacked onto another bill.

Hey there, want to score some really good shit?

Hey there, want to score some really good shit?

UK’s The Sun reported that Red Bull Cola has been taken off the shelves in Germany after inspectors found traces of cocaine. Coca leaf extracts in the drink tested positive for the Class A drug in routine food safety tests. Officials said the cocaine levels were not a health risk — but the drug was banned in food. Red Bull insisted coca leaf was a safe flavoring and the drink should go back on sale. 
 

Knocked up during lock up

Knocked up during lock up

The Manchester Evening News reported that convicted murderer Lisa Healey, 26, serving life in prison, became pregnant at a hotel while on day release. Now she has given birth to a baby girl and both are understood to be back behind bars at the mum and baby unit at Askham Grange prison in York. The father is Michael Dent who was serving time for drugs offences. Dent, who was at Moorlands open prison in Doncaster, met Healey when he went to Askham as a ‘prison representative’ at a forum about re-offending with civil servants, business leaders and charities. Healey was providing the catering along with other inmates. Healey was convicted of murder and sentenced to life in prison for torturing and killing Lily Lilly, a 71 year-old woman from Failsworth. Healey, who has served ten years of her life sentence, was allowed out on day-release from last year because she was deemed to be ‘of low risk to the general public’. Dent was released in September and Healey is due to be released next month although she will remain ‘on license’ for the rest of her life. It means she can be recalled to prison at any time if she misbehaves.

Some people say that since life-in-prison actually means about 10 years, that the term misbehavior means killing not more than two or three people.

Rules are flexible.  Death tends to be less so.

Rules are flexible. Death tends to be less so.

“Ten years in the jug with barely enough freedom to develop a relationship, have sex, get knocked up and have a kid, is like a life time, so you have to cut the girl some slack and let her kill another person without locking her back up; I mean she should get some credit for the time she’s put in,” said someone claiming to be Sonia Sotomayor, Obama’s recent nominee to the U.S. Supreme Court.  “The U.S. Constitution is a flexible document and should be a kind of guide but shouldn’t be taken literally.  Judges need to create law as they see fit and take into account whether the situation involves thoughtful minorities and young girls who kill during innocent fun, or just asshole middle aged white guys doing business, or some idiots who think they deserve some Constitutional rights just because some old white guys in Philly thought they should have free speech and shit like that, back in the day. I’ve had a lot of my rulings overturned because they weren’t Constitutional, but now I get to define the Constitution as I see fit.  Payback time boys.  Now I get mine and by god, you’re going to get yours — they way I dish it out.  Yee ha!  And I say that with all humility.”

Girls just want to have fun

Girls just want to have fun

In other news, the Evening Sun Reported Tuesday that two girls kicked off a plane amid claims they tried to open a door at 50,000 feet have been arrested. Leanne Connor and pal Lynette York caused a national storm last summer after allegations of drunken antics on a flight from Kos to Manchester. The Salford pair were escorted off the jet after their actions forced the pilot to make an emergency landing in Frankfurt. They were arrested by German officials but later allowed to return home. Fellow passengers claimed they swigged from a bottle of vodka they took on the flight with them, abused staff and threatened to open the door. No word on what kind of penalty the girls may face, but if murder costs ten years and the freedom to get knocked up, a little vodka inspired terrorism on an airplane shouldn’t cost more than a few days in the jug and maybe confiscation of some vibrator batteries.

(C) 2009 InebriatedPress.com

Source articles:

Georgia lawmaker wants to end ‘birthright citizenship’
http://www.ajc.com/metro/content/metro/stories/2009/05/25/citizenship_bill.html

Red Bull drug ban in Germany
http://www.thesun.co.uk/sol/homepage/news/2448377/Germany-ban-Red-Bull-for-cocaine-traces.html

Killer pregnant on day release
http://www.manchestereveningnews.co.uk/news/s/1117115_killer_pregnant_on_day_release

Girls arrested over ‘air rage’
http://www.manchestereveningnews.co.uk/news/s/1117120_girls_arrested_over_air_rage

Note on Day Release from Merriam-Webster Dictionary:
day re•lease
Pronunciation:\-ri-ˈlēs\
Function:noun
British : a program in hospitals, prisons, and jails in which patients or prisoners are permitted to spend part of the day outside their institution of confinement studying, training, or working
http://mw4.m-w.com/medical/day%20release

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Virgin may Buy Playboy, Jeans Cause Tingling Thighs, and India Killed all the Dinosaurs

> Playboy loses millions, Virgin reportedly buyer
> Skinny jeans causing “tingling thighs syndrome”
> India’s volcanoes made Dinosaurs extinct

Inebriated Press
May 28, 2009

PEOPLE ALBAThe UK Daily Mail reported Sunday that Playboy has lost millions of dollars and Hugh Hefner is reported to be selling the company for nearly £200million, with Virgin tipped as a potential buyer. And, MyFox National reported Tuesday that “tingling thigh syndrome,” or meralgia paresthetica, which usually affects obese people or manual laborers, is cropping up in younger people — because they’re wearing skinny jeans.  Meanwhile, the Christian Science Monitor reported Saturday that the dinosaurs didn’t become extinct until 300,000 years after an asteroid slammed into Mexico, so the new theory is that volcanic eruptions in India wiped them out. Pundits are debating what gives them tingles: tight jeans, Playboy or dinosaur extinction theories.

Someone named Mandy

Someone named Mandy

“I admit enjoying dinosaur theories, and the tingling and numbness in my thighs from my skinny jeans were kind of interesting, but a guy I met after I did a Playboy spread actually gave me the best tingles overall,” said Mandy Maebee-Mitebee, a model and part-time Internet sensation best known for her rice pudding recipes. “I don’t know if Virgin will buy Playboy or whether everyone will give up skinny jeans because they’re losing feeling in their legs, but lay out whatever theory you want, the dinosaurs are all gone.  And if the Republicans don’t get their shit together they’ll be extinct too and so will traditional America. I might be loose with my morals and tight with my jeans, but I’m fiscally conservative and have had enough of Obama after his 100 days.  We’ve got to stop these trillion dollar spending programs and fast.”

Someone named Lucy

Someone named Lucy

Not everyone agrees with Maebee-Mitebee.  “I wear the jeans I want and no one needs to tell me if I’m comfortable.  The dinosaurs are gone, okay, whatever.  Virgin running Playboy?  Isn’t that counterintuitive, or something … I mean virgins, really,” asked Lucy Laiz-Nowon, a particle physicist and postal recipient who likes catalogues.  “Obama has things in hand and all we have to do is our jobs, let him and the Dem’s run things and watch the world go happily around.  Finally someone who looks nice, sounds nice, and runs the country as though he knows what he’s doing.  Maybe he does, maybe not, but I like him and that’s all that matters.  My IQ may be 200 but that doesn’t mean I’m anal.  There are some things I just don’t give a shit about and government is one of them.  Why bother?”

Hugh Hefner and friends

Hugh Hefner and friends

The Daily Mail reported that Hugh Hefner could soon be parting ways with the soft-porn empire he founded more than 56 years ago. The 83-year-old is reported to be selling the company for nearly £200million, with Virgin tipped as a potential buyer. Although the magazine was read by a quarter of all university students in its heyday in the 1970s, its circulation has taken a battering from the availability of free pornography on the internet. Earlier this month, Playboy announced it had made losses of £8.6million for the first three months of this year, compared to a £2.6million loss for the corresponding period in 2008. The company is said to have been furiously cutting costs and has reportedly sacked 25 per cent of its staff. Virgin Media’s name has been raised as a potential buyer by speculators, but no official interest in the acquisition has been confirmed.

Skinny jeans

Skinny jeans

MyFox National reported it turns out that “tingling thigh syndrome,” or meralgia paresthetica, which usually affects obese people or manual laborers, is cropping up in younger people. The onslaught on skinny jeans on the market has caused some younger people to suffer from the symptoms of this condition. MSNBC.com writes that experts have seen a rise in the condition among young women. One woman describes a tingly sensation running up and down her thighs while wearing tight jeans. According to the Mayo Clinic Web site, meralgia paresthetica is a condition characterized by tingling, numbness and burning pain in the outer part of your thigh. Lucky in most cases the condition can be relieved by conservative measures, such as wearing looser clothing. Salon.com says the condition may not be affecting very many people. “Numbers are hard to come by, but I think it’s safe to say we could be talking about handfuls of young women,” writes Kate Harding.

DinosaursThe Christian Science Monitor reported that for about 30 years, people have believed that dinosaurs were rendered extinct after a six-mile-wide asteroid slammed into what’s now the Yucatan Peninsula in Mexico some sixty-five million years ago. But the April 27 issue of Journal of the Geological Society claims that mass extinctions didn’t occur until perhaps 300,000 years after the asteroid impact. Another study, reported in the journal Paleontologia Electronica, finds evidence that pockets of dinosaurs might have lived on after the asteroid strike. Princeton geoscientist Gerta Keller believes volcanic eruptions in India were responsible for extinctions. Critics — the majority of scientists in the field — remain unconvinced.

Ready for nursing, er

Ready for nursing, er

In other news, Australia’s WA Today reported Monday that an understaffed Prague clinic has signed up nurses by offering boob jobs, liposuction and tummy tucks as a bonus. Nurses, doctors and secretaries who signed with the small private clinic for three years could choose their free plastic surgery. Many Czech nurses have been tempted out of the country by higher wages offered in western European nations and the Czech health system now needs about 6,000 nurses in addition to the 90,000 it already employs, according to official data. No word on how Prague clinics feel about dinosaur extinction theory or if any of the nurses suffer from tingling thighs, but with their silicone bonuses they may be appearing soon in a new Czech Nurse Playboy spread on a Virgin cell phone near you.

(C) 2009 InebriatedPress.com

Source articles:

Playboy for sale after making a loss of millions – and Virgin is tipped as a potential buyer
http://www.dailymail.co.uk/news/worldnews/article-1187066/Playboy-sale-making-loss-millions–Virgin-tipped-potential-buyer.html

Jeans May Cause Tingling Thigh Syndrome
http://www.myfoxdc.com/dpp/news/consumers/dpgo_Tingling_Thigh_Syndrome_fc_20090526_2513909

New dinosaur-extinction theories pop the big rock
http://www.suntimes.com/news/nation/1588538,CST-NWS-dino24.article

Czech clinic lures nurses with free boob jobs, tummy tucks
http://www.watoday.com.au/world/czech-clinic-lures-nurses-with-free-boob-jobs-tummy-tucks-20090525-bkmb.html

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Q & A with Bob & Joan: Can Something Be Done About the National Debt and Does Anyone Really Care?

The “Bob and Joan Chronicles” of Inebriated Press
May 27, 2009
 
Q.
 
Bob,
 
Some of you conservatives are whining about Obama’s trillions in new spending and the massive deficit being created, as though it should actually matter to Americans.  Well no one cares about the deficit or the risk of hyper inflation, and even if you say you do, it doesn’t matter because you’re irrelevant. There’s nothing that an individual can do.  It’s a practical impossibility.
 
You should just shut up and enjoy the ride like everyone else.  What do you think you’re accomplishing by telling other people you care about it?  You’re wasting your time you dumb ass.
 
Hugs and kisses,
 
Joan
 
A.
 
My Dearest Joan,
 
Your warm and thoughtful words regarding my time management and the concern I have about America’s debt and the risk of future economic collapse, touches me deeply, and your statement telling me to shut-up because I’m irrelevant, is both kind and loving encouragement.  How I long to set aside petty questions and gently caress your back, neck and shoulders, easing your present tensions, and then softly kiss the bridge of your nose as only I can.  But alas, such is not my mandate.  I must address your misunderstanding about the level of concern among Americans, and most importantly, the power of the individual.
 
Most Americans are worried about the national debt and many are concerned that President Obama is fiscally irresponsible.  In a recent Washington Post/ABC News poll, nearly nine in ten Americans (87 percent) said they were either “very” (59 percent) or “somewhat” (27 percent) concerned about the size of the federal budget deficit.  While many Americans like President Obama personally, they don’t like many of his policies and are worried about his spending and the risky national debt.  Whether elected officials will respond to these concerns or be voted out of office remains to be seen, but more and more citizens are telling them exactly how they feel, and have even begun public protesting – as displayed on April 15th in “tax day rally’s” against the “tax and spending” of both major Parties.  Public pressure will continue to grow as we near the elections in the fall of 2010.  The liberal Democrats controlling Congress and the White House are proving they are who the conservatives said they were.  And American voters are paying attention and have begun reacting against them.  All is not lost on the fiscal front.  Momentum is changing.

Now, about your belief that the individual is irrelevant and that effort by one person — such as myself — to make change is a practical impossibility.  The United States of America was founded on the inalienable rights of the individual.  Rights that the nation’s founders believed were endowed upon individuals by their Creator, and among those rights were the right to life, liberty and the pursuit of happiness.  Initially those words and others in the U.S Constitution and Bill of Rights were conceptual constructs.  Until individuals — farmers, millers, merchants and others – irrelevant people mostly, took up arms and made theory a reality.  Many believed it was impossible for irrelevant rabble to defeat the British Empire, yet the fools did it.  And it was a pipe dream as well as a practical impossibility that any nation would actually try to put men on the moon, yet silly irrelevant Americans – many of them toiling in obscurity – accomplished the mission, and placed a number of their own citizens there.   During World War II, individuals from all around America rolled into Paris freeing it from the Nazi’s.  Individual men and women crossed America, carving out life and civilization in the fields, plains and mountains — building cities, towns, states.  They fought disease, floods, drought, and countless challenges.  They built a new nation – based on the rights of the individual.  And what of the individual and American invention?  How about Alexander Graham Bell, Thomas Edison, Benjamin Franklin, Samuel Morse, George Washington Carver, the Wright Brothers, Bill Gates, and others.  Much more could be written about what common irrelevant Americans have accomplished. 

The irrelevant founded America.  They are its life-blood.  The individual is the heart of America’s constitution.  Protecting those rights and freedoms is important to us.  The impossible is what America is as a nation.  And the impossible has been accomplished from time to time by Americans, often to the surprise and disbelief of other nations.  The freedom, power and rights of the individual are why many Americans are Americans.  The fatalistic belief that the individual is irrelevant is why some American’s gave up being Europeans and left for the ‘New World’.  I and other American’s aren’t inclined to become Europeans today – even though there are some of us who want to become Western European Socialists.  The American electorate has lost its way before and found its way back.  We elected Jimmy Carter and then Ronald Reagan.  We can do it again.

And so, my fine and gentle Joan, I’m here to tell you that the battle for traditional “common sense” America is not over.  “Irrelevant individuals” still believe that they can make a difference — as they have for generations.  And as long as traditional Americans continue to believe that by their actions they will have an impact, they will in fact have an impact.  The 87% who said they were concerned about the national debt, can change the direction of this country.  Those individuals are not really irrelevant.  I am among them.

I hope this finds you cool where you want to be and warm where you need to be.

With the sweetest of wishes and most tender feelings toward you oozing from my core like moisture on my muscular pec’s in the heat of a summer night, I remain most affectionately yours,

Bob

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Legalized Vice to Lift Tax Burden; Outsized Male the Last of the Real Men; and Porn Cures Medical Condition

> Time to Legalize (and tax) Drugs, Prostitution, and Gambling
> The Outsized Male a Cut Above the Rest
> XXX Cures Better Than Rx Does

Inebriated Press
May 26, 2009

Obama Stimulus 2.0

Obama Stimulus 2.0

Reason Online reported last week that the Obama administration wants to encourage treatment of drug addicts rather than putting them in jail for breaking the law. Nick Gillespie says he has a better idea: Legalize drugs, gambling and prostitution, then tax sales of them, and fill the federal and state government’s coffers. And the UK Daily Express reported last week that as far as Kate Mulvey is concerned, the outsized male (OM) is the last of the real men. Her view of the perfect sized guy: James Gandolfini of HBO’s ‘Sopranos’ big. A balding fat bloke who struts around half naked with his generous stomach hanging out, eating and giving orders with equal gusto. Meanwhile, Newsweek Magazine reported last week that makers of a testosterone supplement are launching a national campaign touting the youth-enhancing benefits of their product. But there may be a cheaper, less clinical solution to low hormone levels. In studies, monkeys that see sexually active females register as much as a 400 percent jump in testosterone.  Porn can do what medication does; maybe even do it better.  Visionaries contemplating taxes and testosterone, see a new ‘Las Vegas style’ healthcare program emanating from D.C. capable of ending the national debt and restoring sexual vitality — especially to big boys — all across America.

Some brawny dude

Some brawny dude

“When Obama’s new national healthcare initiative legalizes drugs, prostitution and gambling — for the health benefits — and then taxes them, not only will American’s have better attitudes and be happier and healthier, but state and federal governments will also generate billions of dollars in new tax revenue.  Big guys will have higher levels of testosterone and be appreciated by women who’ve given up on the scrawny metrosexual types, and want real men who take up space and are noticed when they hug the people they love,” said Brawny Beeff-Mann, a fry cook and pork aficionado who likes food and sex but not always in that order.  “I can hardly wait to deduct my porn subscriptions, marijuana purchases and hooker ‘appointments’ as medical costs on my IRS forms.  And the cool thing is, that even though this will constitute new middle class tax cuts, these new legal products and services will be generating so many new dollars in tax revenue, that it will more than offset my lower tax payments to the government. It’s win-win all around.  I’d like to talk more but I’ve got an appointment with a healthcare provider at the Bunny Ranch.  Got to keep in tip-top shape you know.”

Someone named Sheri

Someone named Sheri

Not everyone agrees with Beeff-Mann.  “The legalization of these vices would exacerbate the current trend toward ethical degradation that is already plaguing society and resulting in high levels of crime, disease, and both social and economic costs.  Legalizing these forms of immorality would simply spread disease and emotional costs to more individuals and would dwarf any attempt to ‘tax our way to prosperity’ no matter how well intentioned,” said Sheri Cheri-Koke, director of the Ethical Swamp & Moral Minority Club, and a sweet delight to those who know and love her.  “I don’t consider myself a prude, but do you really think that legalized drugs will make people healthier, or that legalized gambling is going to make the country happier?  And I’ve yet to see legalized hooking make a better, brighter and happier populace in total.  Typically illegal prostitution ends up being replaced by an increase in illegal kiddy porn and human trafficking.  Unless we plan to legalize and tax those too.  Some slippery slopes can never be walked on safely and should never be attempted.”

War on drugs or War for drugs?

War on drugs or War for drugs?

Reason Online reported that the Obama administration’s drug czar made news recently by saying he wanted to end all loose talk about a “war on drugs.” “We’re not at war with people in this country,” said the czar, Gil Kerlikowske, who favors forcing people into treatment programs rather than jail cells.  Nick Gillespie says here’s a better idea—and one that will help the federal and state governments fill their coffers: Legalize drugs and then tax sales of them. And while we’re at it, welcome all forms of gambling (rather than just the few currently and arbitrarily allowed) and let prostitution go legit too. All of these vices, involving billions of dollars and consenting adults, already take place. They just take place beyond the taxman’s reach. Legalizing the world’s oldest profession probably wasn’t what Rahm Emanuel, the White House chief of staff, meant when he said that we should never allow a crisis to go to waste. But turning America into a Sin City on a Hill could help President Obama pay for his ambitious plans to overhaul health care, invest in green energy, and create gee-whiz trains that whisk “through towns at speeds over 100 miles an hour.” More taxed vices would certainly lead to significant new revenue streams at every level. That’s one of the reasons 52 percent of voters in a recent Zogby poll said they support legalizing, taxing and regulating the growth and sale of marijuana. Similar cases could be made for prostitution and all forms of gambling.

Gandolfini

Gandolfini

Daily Express reported that Kate Mulvey says the size of a romantic male template matters to her, and hers is 6ft tall and fat. As far as she is concerned the outsized male (OM) is the last of the real men. More bulk than beauty, the OM has shoulders like the QE2, hands like JCB diggers and a stomach more medicine ball than six-pack. The rippled torso of Tom Cruise or the snake-hipped charm of Leonardo DiCaprio are not for her. Kate says give her belly in the bedroom any day. And she’s not advocating a taste for lovable little podgers. A roly-poly fat man with sausage fingers and an unmuscled body is far from attractive. When she says big she means James Gandolfini big. Remember him in the American TV soap The Sopranos? He was the balding fat bloke who strutted around half naked with his generous stomach hanging out, eating and giving orders with equal gusto. These men – think Gérard Depardieu, Michael Madsen and Ray Winstone – are a heady mixture of tough dominance and avuncular reassurance that ultimately is more thrilling than your wimpy, moisturized metrosexual. Mulvey says there is something wonderfully comforting about resting your head on a chest the size of a small country. The OM is simply a cut above the rest.

Hey Guys, Your Low-T is Getting Fixed, Right Now!

Hey Guys, Your Low-T is Getting Fixed, Right Now!

Newsweek reported that the makers of a testosterone supplement are launching a national campaign touting the youth-enhancing benefits of their product. But there may be a cheaper, less clinical solution to low hormone levels. Porn or prescriptions? It hardly sounds likes a typical fork in the road. But it’s the choice that middle-aged American males apparently may face if they suffer from symptoms of low testosterone—as around five million men do, a figure that seems to be growing along with male girths, diabetes and the aging boomer generation. The case for pornography derives from research showing that adult fare can help restore a sapped male mojo. Monkeys that see sexually active females register as much as a 400 percent jump in testosterone (nature’s own performance-enhancing drug) promoting lean muscle and quick recovery times, according to the Yerkes Center for Primate Research at Emory University. In humans, German researchers have found that just having an erection is enough to spur testosterone levels. It makes no difference whether a man is watching sex on a screen or having it in real life, his testosterone levels will go up. Just having an erection, in fact, is enough to spur production.

By prescription only

By prescription only

Such findings, along with work that shows family life to be a drain on testosterone levels, prompted Rutgers University sex researcher Helen Fisher to advise this month that males in the “captivity situation”-her term for married with kids-“go on the Internet and look at porn” as a kind of hormone-replacement therapy. “[Porn] drives up dopamine levels, which drives up your testosterone,” she tells NEWSWEEK, while kissing your wife or hugging your kids drives it down. Competing with your Playboy subscription, however, are prescription drugs-including the futuristic sounding AndroGel, a testosterone foam that hormone-challenged men have been rubbing on their bodies for almost a decade. More than 10 million prescriptions have been filled in that time, and now the maker, Solvay Pharmaceuticals, is trying to raise its legal steroid to a Viagra-level of visibility, making “Low T” as recognizable a phrase as “E.D.”

So what’s a guy to do? Perhaps nothing. Testosterone loss is a natural part of aging. Most men lose about 1 percent of their supply annually starting at age 30, more if they are obese, diabetic, a binge drinker, a vegetarian, a yo-yo dieter or have a pituitary-gland disorder. It’s unlikely that the porn industry will begin a marketing campaign touting the hormone-replacement benefits of their products, though there is some chance that doctors could start recommending regular porn to their testosterone-challenged patients.

Some people say that the combination of a high red-meat and hot-sex diet have always been key to perpetuating the species.

This and a free market can do wonders for the economy

This and a free market can do wonders for the economy

“If you think that metrosexual vegetarians are going to sustain a countries population base and social and economic strength, you’re out of your mind,” said someone claiming to be in their mind.  “Only red meat eating, sex loving guys with a dose of common sense and a high appreciation for free market capitalism can provide a solid base for a countries strength.  And that’s true regardless of whether you legalize and tax prostitution, gambling and drugs.  In the end, it’s all about the people.  I wonder what the studies about women will say — besides some of them liking plus-sized dudes.  I’ll bet the tree-hugging veggie eating women can’t sustain shit either.  Good thing there are some solid red-blooded meat-eating chicks that are smart, hot looking and give a shit about building the free market.  We can remake America the right way if we can start hooking these men and women up.”

Now we’re talking a real stimulus plan.

(C) 2009 InebriatedPress.com

Source documents:

Paying With Our Sins
http://reason.com/news/show/133598.html

WHY I LOVE LARGER MEN
http://www.express.co.uk/posts/view/102458/Why-I-love-larger-men

Rx vs. XXX
http://www.newsweek.com/id/198512?from=rss

BunnyRanch
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/BunnyRanch_Two

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Multi-Dimensional DVD Storage, Topless Coffee Shop Questions, and Save the Planet by Raising Veggies in Your Undies

> Futuristic DVD’s Store 2,000 Times more Data by Using Five Dimensions
> Topless Coffee Shop Waitress Spotted Outdoors, Is That Legal?
> UK Says Beat Climate Change with Veggies in Your Underwear

Inebriated Press
May 25, 2009

Undie Veggie Planet Savior

Undie Veggie Planet Savior

Science Daily reported last week that researchers in Australia have developed a way to store data in five dimensions thereby increasing DVD storage capacity by 2,000 times.  And Kennebec, Maine’s Morning Sentinel reported yesterday that police are investigating whether legally topless coffee shop workers are still legal if they’re that way outdoors.  Meanwhile, the UK Telegraph reported yesterday that the Royal Horticultural Society (RHS) is encouraging Brit’s to battle climate change by growing vegetables in their old underwear.  Underwear-based veggies will be on display for your education at Hampton Court Palace Flower Show, from July 7-12.  Some pundits say the way to save the planet is to go topless and use your bra to raise veggies while putting your chest in a different dimension so the general public can’t see your hooters.  Others just talk about god and ghosts.

Someone named Felicia

Someone named Felicia

“The nature of multi-dimensional space is that when it’s harnessed, it allows numerous things to exist in exactly the same place at the same time, and that’s true of movies and music on DVD’s; or ghosts, goblins and spectres in your attic,” said Felicia Hardwood-Floorr, a healthcare worker whose smooth and firm appearance is appreciated by most who know her.  “Some people say nothing exists that you can’t see, taste or touch.  That’s foolish.  We can’t see most of the light spectrum and can’t account for tons of things unless they’re self evident.  We can’t even successfully argue that we exist if we stay to strict rules of debate and don’t appeal to self evidence.  A good deal of what we know is either self evident or we believe it as an act of faith.  Some people believe there’s god and others don’t.  Both are articles of faith.  Honest people admit that; the intellectually dishonest ones dispute it.  As far as the legality of going topless goes, it’s according to city code.  It’s that simple.  I don’t know if I like the idea of raising veggies in my panties.  Putting my food in the space where my ass was isn’t my kind of multi-dimensional thing I guess.

Some people argue that saving the planet is like saving your soul.

Someone named Isabel

Someone named Isabel

“There isn’t anything in multi-dimensional space and there’s no point pretending that ghosts, or angels, or gods and demons hang out there, and DVD storage and light spectrums aren’t really in other dimensions, they’re just in space we hadn’t found,” said Isabel Dragon-Slayyr, a linear ethicist and earth sprite in denial.  “We’re all ahead if we raise carrots in our panties and cabbage in our bras and save Mother Earth, the birthing-womb to us all.  Save the earth and save your soul.  There is nothing more, nothing less.  Go topless if you want to, there are no rules if we say there aren’t.  Ethics are relative.  All things are whatever we make of them, or pretend they are, or declare they are.  To some people that’s depressing because it means there is no good or evil, and it makes life godless and inherently meaningless — but to me that’s liberating.  Freedom and chaos are my gods.  Now if I could get the IRS to go along with the relativity of money and believe that my cash is actually in their coffers the same time it’s in my checking account, I’d be all set.  Maybe there is something to this multi- dimensionalism physical space thing if we marry it to monetary relativity.  Hey, I’ll bet that’s what Obama is doing with the federal budget!”

Multi-dimensional movie & ghost storage

Multi-dimensional movie & ghost storage

Science Daily reported that futuristic discs with a storage capacity 2,000 times that of current DVDs could be just around the corner, thanks to new research from Swinburne University of Technology in Australia. For the first time researchers from the university’s Centre for Micro-Photonics have demonstrated how nanotechnology can enable the creation of ‘five dimensional’ discs with huge storage capacities. Discs currently have three spatial dimensions, but using nanoparticles the Swinburne researchers were able to introduce a spectral – or color – dimension as well as a polarization dimension.  “These extra dimensions are the key to creating ultra-high capacity discs,” Professor Min Gu said. “The polarization can be rotated 360 degrees. So for example, we were able to record at zero degree polarization. Then on top of that, we were able to record another layer of information at 90 degrees polarization, without them interfering with each other.” The research, carried out by Mr. Peter Zijlstra, Dr James Chon and Professor Min Gu was published last Thursday in the scientific journal Nature.

Coffee, tea, or ... donuts

Coffee, tea, or ... donuts

The Morning Sentinel reported that a state trooper was sent Saturday morning to a topless doughnut shop on Route 3 after a caller to the Augusta communications center reported that one of the waitresses was outside the shop without a top on. The Grand View Topless Coffee Shop opened Feb. 23, featuring topless waitresses and waiters serving coffee and doughnuts. The Vassalboro Planning Board approved a permit for the business, saying no town regulations prevented it. There is no mention in published reports if nudity outside the confines of the cafe is prohibited or allowed in Vassalboro. “I just know that I took a report of a female who was outside who had no top on and went over and spoke to them about it and advised them that I was going to be referring it to the DA’s office,” Trooper Shawn Porter of Troop D Barracks in Gray said. “It’s an ongoing investigation.”

'Hanging bra-sket'

'Hanging bra-sket'

The Telegraph reported that the Royal Horticultural Society (RHS) asked visitors to Chelsea Flower Show to donate clean unwanted bras, boxer shorts and jockey pants for its summer Grow Your Own campaign. Georgie Webb of the RHS, said old undies could be used like hanging baskets where people have little space. “Due to their conical shape, bras are ideal containers for turning into hanging baskets, and if you sew two together, you have what is best described as a ‘hanging bra-sket’. Once filled with compost you can grow salad leaves, herbs, alpine strawberries and even tumbling cherry tomatoes in them; the bigger the bra the more you can grow.”

The ‘good life’ display is part of a wider campaign by the RHS to encourage more people to grow their own fruit and vegetables. Gordon Brown, the Prime Minister and civic organization including the National Trust have also called for more people to grow their own food in order to improve healthy eating and tackle climate change by reducing food miles.

Zen sexIn other news, KOMO News Seattle reported that a woman accused of running several brothels in the area says her “work is spiritual in nature and that’s what the men are seeking,” according to the statement of probable cause. Rainbow Love, who was formerly known as Vivian W. Ellis, was arrested at her Marysville home during a police raid on Thursday. She is being held under investigation of promoting prostitution and money laundering. During the investigation, undercover detectives patronized the business at 3107 Eastlake Avenue East and were offered and agreed to sexual acts in exchange for $150 cash, the document said. Love refused to acknowledge the conversation she’d had with undercover detectives who’d sought service at the businesses, but did admit she knew some of her employees “may do more than a healing session with the clients,” the statement said. Love told detectives that she is the sole owner of the three businesses under investigation, which she ran under the license name the Light Body Temple. No word on how she feels about underwear-based veggies, but my guess is a lot of multi-dimensional stuff is going at her temple.

(C) 2009 Inebriated Press

 

Source articles:

‘Five Dimensional’ Discs With A Storage Capacity 2,000 Times That Of Current DVDs
http://www.sciencedaily.com/releases/2009/05/090520192137.htm

Caller reports topless excursion
http://morningsentinel.mainetoday.com/news/local/6378705.html

Unwanted underwear donated at Chelsea Flower Show for Hampton Court Palace
http://www.telegraph.co.uk/gardening/chelseaflowershow/5369423/Unwanted-underwear-donated-at-Chelsea-Flower-Show-for-Hampton-Court-Palace.html

Accused madam: My work is spiritual
http://www.komonews.com/news/local/45876382.html

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