Monthly Archives: May 2009
US Citizenship as Birthright may End, Red Bull contains Cocaine now, and Murderer Serving Life in Prison gets Knocked Up, gives Birth
> Georgia lawmaker wants to end ‘birthright citizenship’
> Red Bull banned in Germany for containing Cocaine
> Convicted murderer out on ‘day release’ gets knocked up at hotel, gives birth to daughter
May 29, 2009
The Associated Press reported Monday that U.S. Representative Nathan Deal (R-Georgia) has proposed changing the long-standing federal policy that automatically grants citizenship to any baby born on U.S. soil, a move opposed by immigrant rights advocates. And, The Sun reported Tuesday that Germany has pulled Red Bull “energy drink” off all store shelves after routine food safety tests found that it contains cocaine, a Class A drug. Meanwhile, the Manchester Evening News reported that Lisa Healey, a convicted murderer serving life in prison, gave birth to a baby girl after getting pregnant at a hotel while on day release. Inebriated reporters all drugged up on Red Bull are supporting new regulations that allow anyone born on earth to be named a U.S. citizen if they want it, and receive national healthcare, just like murderers who get knocked up while taking time off from serving life in prison.
“Terrorists have the same rights as U.S. citizens and death row killers get free health care, so it only makes sense that we simply hand out U.S. citizenship to anyone who asks for it, and we give free health care to everyone who’s not in prison — it’s about fairness and equity to everyone who wants something,” said Elena Von Questionmarc, a part-time Inebriated reporter and part-time sober stripper, sometimes all on the same day. “President Obama says terrorists rights should be respected, and North Korean dictators placated, and Iranian nuke-heads befriended, and all god’s children should have free healthcare provided by idiots who work for a living. I can’t argue with that. Why would I? I may stop working myself for no particular reason and I’ll still want to be taken care of — receive government welfare and healthcare. It’s really my right as an American. There will always be some morons who will want to work. Let’s tax the hell out of them, it’ll serve them right for thinking that just because they work hard that they’re somehow better than other people who don’t. Quick, give me another hit of Red Bull before I quit quivering and start feeling depressed.”
Not everyone agrees with Von Questionmarc. “Examples of foolishness abound in America today, but the proposal that babies born on U.S. soil shouldn’t get automatic citizenship unless at least one of their parents is already a U.S. citizen, isn’t one of them. It makes good sense. Why should being born on a patch of dirt grant you special privileges if your parents are on that dirt illegally? It shouldn’t. And national healthcare is a disaster wherever it’s been tried. Why do American socialists think they’re smarter than UK or Canadian ones? The whole idea is just plain silly,” said Desiree Disirable-Thinkr, a market analyst at the Lusty Virgin Healthcare Clinic and Battery Sales Warehouse. “As far as killer inmates getting knocked up on their day off goes, I think that’s a good example of abject stupidity on the part of the government. Killers will do whatever they want; I think that’s pretty apparent. Government shouldn’t allow them to perpetuate their kind, let alone be allowed in situations where it’s even possible. But at least Red Bull has cocaine in it. Finally I’ve been getting my money’s worth out of some damn thing.”
The Associated Press reported that U.S. Rep. Nathan Deal, a Republican candidate for governor of Georgia, has proposed changing the long-standing federal policy that automatically grants citizenship to any baby born on U.S. soil, a move opposed by immigrant rights advocates. Supporters of Deal’s proposal say “birthright citizenship” encourages illegal immigration and makes enforcement of immigration laws more difficult. Opponents say the proposed law wouldn’t solve the illegal immigration problem and goes against this country’s traditions of welcoming immigrants. Deal and his supporters say the 14th Amendment wording was never meant to automatically give citizenship to babies born to illegal immigrants. Under Deal’s proposal, babies born in the U.S. would automatically have citizenship only if at least one of their parents is a U.S. citizen or national, a legal permanent resident of the U.S., or actively serving in the U.S. military. Supporters of the bill say automatic citizenship provides an incentive for women to risk coming to the country illegally. They call U.S.-born children of illegal immigrants “anchor babies” because, when they become adults, the children can sponsor their parents for legal permanent residency. Deal, who has submitted his bill to the House Judiciary Committee, said he’s not optimistic about it becoming law this year unless it is tacked onto another bill.
UK’s The Sun reported that Red Bull Cola has been taken off the shelves in Germany after inspectors found traces of cocaine. Coca leaf extracts in the drink tested positive for the Class A drug in routine food safety tests. Officials said the cocaine levels were not a health risk — but the drug was banned in food. Red Bull insisted coca leaf was a safe flavoring and the drink should go back on sale.
The Manchester Evening News reported that convicted murderer Lisa Healey, 26, serving life in prison, became pregnant at a hotel while on day release. Now she has given birth to a baby girl and both are understood to be back behind bars at the mum and baby unit at Askham Grange prison in York. The father is Michael Dent who was serving time for drugs offences. Dent, who was at Moorlands open prison in Doncaster, met Healey when he went to Askham as a ‘prison representative’ at a forum about re-offending with civil servants, business leaders and charities. Healey was providing the catering along with other inmates. Healey was convicted of murder and sentenced to life in prison for torturing and killing Lily Lilly, a 71 year-old woman from Failsworth. Healey, who has served ten years of her life sentence, was allowed out on day-release from last year because she was deemed to be ‘of low risk to the general public’. Dent was released in September and Healey is due to be released next month although she will remain ‘on license’ for the rest of her life. It means she can be recalled to prison at any time if she misbehaves.
Some people say that since life-in-prison actually means about 10 years, that the term misbehavior means killing not more than two or three people.
“Ten years in the jug with barely enough freedom to develop a relationship, have sex, get knocked up and have a kid, is like a life time, so you have to cut the girl some slack and let her kill another person without locking her back up; I mean she should get some credit for the time she’s put in,” said someone claiming to be Sonia Sotomayor, Obama’s recent nominee to the U.S. Supreme Court. “The U.S. Constitution is a flexible document and should be a kind of guide but shouldn’t be taken literally. Judges need to create law as they see fit and take into account whether the situation involves thoughtful minorities and young girls who kill during innocent fun, or just asshole middle aged white guys doing business, or some idiots who think they deserve some Constitutional rights just because some old white guys in Philly thought they should have free speech and shit like that, back in the day. I’ve had a lot of my rulings overturned because they weren’t Constitutional, but now I get to define the Constitution as I see fit. Payback time boys. Now I get mine and by god, you’re going to get yours — they way I dish it out. Yee ha! And I say that with all humility.”
In other news, the Evening Sun Reported Tuesday that two girls kicked off a plane amid claims they tried to open a door at 50,000 feet have been arrested. Leanne Connor and pal Lynette York caused a national storm last summer after allegations of drunken antics on a flight from Kos to Manchester. The Salford pair were escorted off the jet after their actions forced the pilot to make an emergency landing in Frankfurt. They were arrested by German officials but later allowed to return home. Fellow passengers claimed they swigged from a bottle of vodka they took on the flight with them, abused staff and threatened to open the door. No word on what kind of penalty the girls may face, but if murder costs ten years and the freedom to get knocked up, a little vodka inspired terrorism on an airplane shouldn’t cost more than a few days in the jug and maybe confiscation of some vibrator batteries.
(C) 2009 InebriatedPress.com
Georgia lawmaker wants to end ‘birthright citizenship’
Red Bull drug ban in Germany
Killer pregnant on day release
Girls arrested over ‘air rage’
Note on Day Release from Merriam-Webster Dictionary:
British : a program in hospitals, prisons, and jails in which patients or prisoners are permitted to spend part of the day outside their institution of confinement studying, training, or working
> Playboy loses millions, Virgin reportedly buyer
> Skinny jeans causing “tingling thighs syndrome”
> India’s volcanoes made Dinosaurs extinct
May 28, 2009
The UK Daily Mail reported Sunday that Playboy has lost millions of dollars and Hugh Hefner is reported to be selling the company for nearly £200million, with Virgin tipped as a potential buyer. And, MyFox National reported Tuesday that “tingling thigh syndrome,” or meralgia paresthetica, which usually affects obese people or manual laborers, is cropping up in younger people — because they’re wearing skinny jeans. Meanwhile, the Christian Science Monitor reported Saturday that the dinosaurs didn’t become extinct until 300,000 years after an asteroid slammed into Mexico, so the new theory is that volcanic eruptions in India wiped them out. Pundits are debating what gives them tingles: tight jeans, Playboy or dinosaur extinction theories.
“I admit enjoying dinosaur theories, and the tingling and numbness in my thighs from my skinny jeans were kind of interesting, but a guy I met after I did a Playboy spread actually gave me the best tingles overall,” said Mandy Maebee-Mitebee, a model and part-time Internet sensation best known for her rice pudding recipes. “I don’t know if Virgin will buy Playboy or whether everyone will give up skinny jeans because they’re losing feeling in their legs, but lay out whatever theory you want, the dinosaurs are all gone. And if the Republicans don’t get their shit together they’ll be extinct too and so will traditional America. I might be loose with my morals and tight with my jeans, but I’m fiscally conservative and have had enough of Obama after his 100 days. We’ve got to stop these trillion dollar spending programs and fast.”
Not everyone agrees with Maebee-Mitebee. “I wear the jeans I want and no one needs to tell me if I’m comfortable. The dinosaurs are gone, okay, whatever. Virgin running Playboy? Isn’t that counterintuitive, or something … I mean virgins, really,” asked Lucy Laiz-Nowon, a particle physicist and postal recipient who likes catalogues. “Obama has things in hand and all we have to do is our jobs, let him and the Dem’s run things and watch the world go happily around. Finally someone who looks nice, sounds nice, and runs the country as though he knows what he’s doing. Maybe he does, maybe not, but I like him and that’s all that matters. My IQ may be 200 but that doesn’t mean I’m anal. There are some things I just don’t give a shit about and government is one of them. Why bother?”
The Daily Mail reported that Hugh Hefner could soon be parting ways with the soft-porn empire he founded more than 56 years ago. The 83-year-old is reported to be selling the company for nearly £200million, with Virgin tipped as a potential buyer. Although the magazine was read by a quarter of all university students in its heyday in the 1970s, its circulation has taken a battering from the availability of free pornography on the internet. Earlier this month, Playboy announced it had made losses of £8.6million for the first three months of this year, compared to a £2.6million loss for the corresponding period in 2008. The company is said to have been furiously cutting costs and has reportedly sacked 25 per cent of its staff. Virgin Media’s name has been raised as a potential buyer by speculators, but no official interest in the acquisition has been confirmed.
MyFox National reported it turns out that “tingling thigh syndrome,” or meralgia paresthetica, which usually affects obese people or manual laborers, is cropping up in younger people. The onslaught on skinny jeans on the market has caused some younger people to suffer from the symptoms of this condition. MSNBC.com writes that experts have seen a rise in the condition among young women. One woman describes a tingly sensation running up and down her thighs while wearing tight jeans. According to the Mayo Clinic Web site, meralgia paresthetica is a condition characterized by tingling, numbness and burning pain in the outer part of your thigh. Lucky in most cases the condition can be relieved by conservative measures, such as wearing looser clothing. Salon.com says the condition may not be affecting very many people. “Numbers are hard to come by, but I think it’s safe to say we could be talking about handfuls of young women,” writes Kate Harding.
The Christian Science Monitor reported that for about 30 years, people have believed that dinosaurs were rendered extinct after a six-mile-wide asteroid slammed into what’s now the Yucatan Peninsula in Mexico some sixty-five million years ago. But the April 27 issue of Journal of the Geological Society claims that mass extinctions didn’t occur until perhaps 300,000 years after the asteroid impact. Another study, reported in the journal Paleontologia Electronica, finds evidence that pockets of dinosaurs might have lived on after the asteroid strike. Princeton geoscientist Gerta Keller believes volcanic eruptions in India were responsible for extinctions. Critics — the majority of scientists in the field — remain unconvinced.
In other news, Australia’s WA Today reported Monday that an understaffed Prague clinic has signed up nurses by offering boob jobs, liposuction and tummy tucks as a bonus. Nurses, doctors and secretaries who signed with the small private clinic for three years could choose their free plastic surgery. Many Czech nurses have been tempted out of the country by higher wages offered in western European nations and the Czech health system now needs about 6,000 nurses in addition to the 90,000 it already employs, according to official data. No word on how Prague clinics feel about dinosaur extinction theory or if any of the nurses suffer from tingling thighs, but with their silicone bonuses they may be appearing soon in a new Czech Nurse Playboy spread on a Virgin cell phone near you.
(C) 2009 InebriatedPress.com
Playboy for sale after making a loss of millions – and Virgin is tipped as a potential buyer
Jeans May Cause Tingling Thigh Syndrome
New dinosaur-extinction theories pop the big rock
Czech clinic lures nurses with free boob jobs, tummy tucks
Legalized Vice to Lift Tax Burden; Outsized Male the Last of the Real Men; and Porn Cures Medical Condition
> Time to Legalize (and tax) Drugs, Prostitution, and Gambling
> The Outsized Male a Cut Above the Rest
> XXX Cures Better Than Rx Does
May 26, 2009
Reason Online reported last week that the Obama administration wants to encourage treatment of drug addicts rather than putting them in jail for breaking the law. Nick Gillespie says he has a better idea: Legalize drugs, gambling and prostitution, then tax sales of them, and fill the federal and state government’s coffers. And the UK Daily Express reported last week that as far as Kate Mulvey is concerned, the outsized male (OM) is the last of the real men. Her view of the perfect sized guy: James Gandolfini of HBO’s ‘Sopranos’ big. A balding fat bloke who struts around half naked with his generous stomach hanging out, eating and giving orders with equal gusto. Meanwhile, Newsweek Magazine reported last week that makers of a testosterone supplement are launching a national campaign touting the youth-enhancing benefits of their product. But there may be a cheaper, less clinical solution to low hormone levels. In studies, monkeys that see sexually active females register as much as a 400 percent jump in testosterone. Porn can do what medication does; maybe even do it better. Visionaries contemplating taxes and testosterone, see a new ‘Las Vegas style’ healthcare program emanating from D.C. capable of ending the national debt and restoring sexual vitality — especially to big boys — all across America.
“When Obama’s new national healthcare initiative legalizes drugs, prostitution and gambling — for the health benefits — and then taxes them, not only will American’s have better attitudes and be happier and healthier, but state and federal governments will also generate billions of dollars in new tax revenue. Big guys will have higher levels of testosterone and be appreciated by women who’ve given up on the scrawny metrosexual types, and want real men who take up space and are noticed when they hug the people they love,” said Brawny Beeff-Mann, a fry cook and pork aficionado who likes food and sex but not always in that order. “I can hardly wait to deduct my porn subscriptions, marijuana purchases and hooker ‘appointments’ as medical costs on my IRS forms. And the cool thing is, that even though this will constitute new middle class tax cuts, these new legal products and services will be generating so many new dollars in tax revenue, that it will more than offset my lower tax payments to the government. It’s win-win all around. I’d like to talk more but I’ve got an appointment with a healthcare provider at the Bunny Ranch. Got to keep in tip-top shape you know.”
Not everyone agrees with Beeff-Mann. “The legalization of these vices would exacerbate the current trend toward ethical degradation that is already plaguing society and resulting in high levels of crime, disease, and both social and economic costs. Legalizing these forms of immorality would simply spread disease and emotional costs to more individuals and would dwarf any attempt to ‘tax our way to prosperity’ no matter how well intentioned,” said Sheri Cheri-Koke, director of the Ethical Swamp & Moral Minority Club, and a sweet delight to those who know and love her. “I don’t consider myself a prude, but do you really think that legalized drugs will make people healthier, or that legalized gambling is going to make the country happier? And I’ve yet to see legalized hooking make a better, brighter and happier populace in total. Typically illegal prostitution ends up being replaced by an increase in illegal kiddy porn and human trafficking. Unless we plan to legalize and tax those too. Some slippery slopes can never be walked on safely and should never be attempted.”
Reason Online reported that the Obama administration’s drug czar made news recently by saying he wanted to end all loose talk about a “war on drugs.” “We’re not at war with people in this country,” said the czar, Gil Kerlikowske, who favors forcing people into treatment programs rather than jail cells. Nick Gillespie says here’s a better idea—and one that will help the federal and state governments fill their coffers: Legalize drugs and then tax sales of them. And while we’re at it, welcome all forms of gambling (rather than just the few currently and arbitrarily allowed) and let prostitution go legit too. All of these vices, involving billions of dollars and consenting adults, already take place. They just take place beyond the taxman’s reach. Legalizing the world’s oldest profession probably wasn’t what Rahm Emanuel, the White House chief of staff, meant when he said that we should never allow a crisis to go to waste. But turning America into a Sin City on a Hill could help President Obama pay for his ambitious plans to overhaul health care, invest in green energy, and create gee-whiz trains that whisk “through towns at speeds over 100 miles an hour.” More taxed vices would certainly lead to significant new revenue streams at every level. That’s one of the reasons 52 percent of voters in a recent Zogby poll said they support legalizing, taxing and regulating the growth and sale of marijuana. Similar cases could be made for prostitution and all forms of gambling.
Daily Express reported that Kate Mulvey says the size of a romantic male template matters to her, and hers is 6ft tall and fat. As far as she is concerned the outsized male (OM) is the last of the real men. More bulk than beauty, the OM has shoulders like the QE2, hands like JCB diggers and a stomach more medicine ball than six-pack. The rippled torso of Tom Cruise or the snake-hipped charm of Leonardo DiCaprio are not for her. Kate says give her belly in the bedroom any day. And she’s not advocating a taste for lovable little podgers. A roly-poly fat man with sausage fingers and an unmuscled body is far from attractive. When she says big she means James Gandolfini big. Remember him in the American TV soap The Sopranos? He was the balding fat bloke who strutted around half naked with his generous stomach hanging out, eating and giving orders with equal gusto. These men – think Gérard Depardieu, Michael Madsen and Ray Winstone – are a heady mixture of tough dominance and avuncular reassurance that ultimately is more thrilling than your wimpy, moisturized metrosexual. Mulvey says there is something wonderfully comforting about resting your head on a chest the size of a small country. The OM is simply a cut above the rest.
Newsweek reported that the makers of a testosterone supplement are launching a national campaign touting the youth-enhancing benefits of their product. But there may be a cheaper, less clinical solution to low hormone levels. Porn or prescriptions? It hardly sounds likes a typical fork in the road. But it’s the choice that middle-aged American males apparently may face if they suffer from symptoms of low testosterone—as around five million men do, a figure that seems to be growing along with male girths, diabetes and the aging boomer generation. The case for pornography derives from research showing that adult fare can help restore a sapped male mojo. Monkeys that see sexually active females register as much as a 400 percent jump in testosterone (nature’s own performance-enhancing drug) promoting lean muscle and quick recovery times, according to the Yerkes Center for Primate Research at Emory University. In humans, German researchers have found that just having an erection is enough to spur testosterone levels. It makes no difference whether a man is watching sex on a screen or having it in real life, his testosterone levels will go up. Just having an erection, in fact, is enough to spur production.
Such findings, along with work that shows family life to be a drain on testosterone levels, prompted Rutgers University sex researcher Helen Fisher to advise this month that males in the “captivity situation”-her term for married with kids-“go on the Internet and look at porn” as a kind of hormone-replacement therapy. “[Porn] drives up dopamine levels, which drives up your testosterone,” she tells NEWSWEEK, while kissing your wife or hugging your kids drives it down. Competing with your Playboy subscription, however, are prescription drugs-including the futuristic sounding AndroGel, a testosterone foam that hormone-challenged men have been rubbing on their bodies for almost a decade. More than 10 million prescriptions have been filled in that time, and now the maker, Solvay Pharmaceuticals, is trying to raise its legal steroid to a Viagra-level of visibility, making “Low T” as recognizable a phrase as “E.D.”
So what’s a guy to do? Perhaps nothing. Testosterone loss is a natural part of aging. Most men lose about 1 percent of their supply annually starting at age 30, more if they are obese, diabetic, a binge drinker, a vegetarian, a yo-yo dieter or have a pituitary-gland disorder. It’s unlikely that the porn industry will begin a marketing campaign touting the hormone-replacement benefits of their products, though there is some chance that doctors could start recommending regular porn to their testosterone-challenged patients.
Some people say that the combination of a high red-meat and hot-sex diet have always been key to perpetuating the species.
“If you think that metrosexual vegetarians are going to sustain a countries population base and social and economic strength, you’re out of your mind,” said someone claiming to be in their mind. “Only red meat eating, sex loving guys with a dose of common sense and a high appreciation for free market capitalism can provide a solid base for a countries strength. And that’s true regardless of whether you legalize and tax prostitution, gambling and drugs. In the end, it’s all about the people. I wonder what the studies about women will say — besides some of them liking plus-sized dudes. I’ll bet the tree-hugging veggie eating women can’t sustain shit either. Good thing there are some solid red-blooded meat-eating chicks that are smart, hot looking and give a shit about building the free market. We can remake America the right way if we can start hooking these men and women up.”
Now we’re talking a real stimulus plan.
(C) 2009 InebriatedPress.com
Paying With Our Sins
WHY I LOVE LARGER MEN
Rx vs. XXX
Multi-Dimensional DVD Storage, Topless Coffee Shop Questions, and Save the Planet by Raising Veggies in Your Undies
> Futuristic DVD’s Store 2,000 Times more Data by Using Five Dimensions
> Topless Coffee Shop Waitress Spotted Outdoors, Is That Legal?
> UK Says Beat Climate Change with Veggies in Your Underwear
May 25, 2009
Science Daily reported last week that researchers in Australia have developed a way to store data in five dimensions thereby increasing DVD storage capacity by 2,000 times. And Kennebec, Maine’s Morning Sentinel reported yesterday that police are investigating whether legally topless coffee shop workers are still legal if they’re that way outdoors. Meanwhile, the UK Telegraph reported yesterday that the Royal Horticultural Society (RHS) is encouraging Brit’s to battle climate change by growing vegetables in their old underwear. Underwear-based veggies will be on display for your education at Hampton Court Palace Flower Show, from July 7-12. Some pundits say the way to save the planet is to go topless and use your bra to raise veggies while putting your chest in a different dimension so the general public can’t see your hooters. Others just talk about god and ghosts.
“The nature of multi-dimensional space is that when it’s harnessed, it allows numerous things to exist in exactly the same place at the same time, and that’s true of movies and music on DVD’s; or ghosts, goblins and spectres in your attic,” said Felicia Hardwood-Floorr, a healthcare worker whose smooth and firm appearance is appreciated by most who know her. “Some people say nothing exists that you can’t see, taste or touch. That’s foolish. We can’t see most of the light spectrum and can’t account for tons of things unless they’re self evident. We can’t even successfully argue that we exist if we stay to strict rules of debate and don’t appeal to self evidence. A good deal of what we know is either self evident or we believe it as an act of faith. Some people believe there’s god and others don’t. Both are articles of faith. Honest people admit that; the intellectually dishonest ones dispute it. As far as the legality of going topless goes, it’s according to city code. It’s that simple. I don’t know if I like the idea of raising veggies in my panties. Putting my food in the space where my ass was isn’t my kind of multi-dimensional thing I guess.
Some people argue that saving the planet is like saving your soul.
“There isn’t anything in multi-dimensional space and there’s no point pretending that ghosts, or angels, or gods and demons hang out there, and DVD storage and light spectrums aren’t really in other dimensions, they’re just in space we hadn’t found,” said Isabel Dragon-Slayyr, a linear ethicist and earth sprite in denial. “We’re all ahead if we raise carrots in our panties and cabbage in our bras and save Mother Earth, the birthing-womb to us all. Save the earth and save your soul. There is nothing more, nothing less. Go topless if you want to, there are no rules if we say there aren’t. Ethics are relative. All things are whatever we make of them, or pretend they are, or declare they are. To some people that’s depressing because it means there is no good or evil, and it makes life godless and inherently meaningless — but to me that’s liberating. Freedom and chaos are my gods. Now if I could get the IRS to go along with the relativity of money and believe that my cash is actually in their coffers the same time it’s in my checking account, I’d be all set. Maybe there is something to this multi- dimensionalism physical space thing if we marry it to monetary relativity. Hey, I’ll bet that’s what Obama is doing with the federal budget!”
Science Daily reported that futuristic discs with a storage capacity 2,000 times that of current DVDs could be just around the corner, thanks to new research from Swinburne University of Technology in Australia. For the first time researchers from the university’s Centre for Micro-Photonics have demonstrated how nanotechnology can enable the creation of ‘five dimensional’ discs with huge storage capacities. Discs currently have three spatial dimensions, but using nanoparticles the Swinburne researchers were able to introduce a spectral – or color – dimension as well as a polarization dimension. “These extra dimensions are the key to creating ultra-high capacity discs,” Professor Min Gu said. “The polarization can be rotated 360 degrees. So for example, we were able to record at zero degree polarization. Then on top of that, we were able to record another layer of information at 90 degrees polarization, without them interfering with each other.” The research, carried out by Mr. Peter Zijlstra, Dr James Chon and Professor Min Gu was published last Thursday in the scientific journal Nature.
The Morning Sentinel reported that a state trooper was sent Saturday morning to a topless doughnut shop on Route 3 after a caller to the Augusta communications center reported that one of the waitresses was outside the shop without a top on. The Grand View Topless Coffee Shop opened Feb. 23, featuring topless waitresses and waiters serving coffee and doughnuts. The Vassalboro Planning Board approved a permit for the business, saying no town regulations prevented it. There is no mention in published reports if nudity outside the confines of the cafe is prohibited or allowed in Vassalboro. “I just know that I took a report of a female who was outside who had no top on and went over and spoke to them about it and advised them that I was going to be referring it to the DA’s office,” Trooper Shawn Porter of Troop D Barracks in Gray said. “It’s an ongoing investigation.”
The Telegraph reported that the Royal Horticultural Society (RHS) asked visitors to Chelsea Flower Show to donate clean unwanted bras, boxer shorts and jockey pants for its summer Grow Your Own campaign. Georgie Webb of the RHS, said old undies could be used like hanging baskets where people have little space. “Due to their conical shape, bras are ideal containers for turning into hanging baskets, and if you sew two together, you have what is best described as a ‘hanging bra-sket’. Once filled with compost you can grow salad leaves, herbs, alpine strawberries and even tumbling cherry tomatoes in them; the bigger the bra the more you can grow.”
The ‘good life’ display is part of a wider campaign by the RHS to encourage more people to grow their own fruit and vegetables. Gordon Brown, the Prime Minister and civic organization including the National Trust have also called for more people to grow their own food in order to improve healthy eating and tackle climate change by reducing food miles.
In other news, KOMO News Seattle reported that a woman accused of running several brothels in the area says her “work is spiritual in nature and that’s what the men are seeking,” according to the statement of probable cause. Rainbow Love, who was formerly known as Vivian W. Ellis, was arrested at her Marysville home during a police raid on Thursday. She is being held under investigation of promoting prostitution and money laundering. During the investigation, undercover detectives patronized the business at 3107 Eastlake Avenue East and were offered and agreed to sexual acts in exchange for $150 cash, the document said. Love refused to acknowledge the conversation she’d had with undercover detectives who’d sought service at the businesses, but did admit she knew some of her employees “may do more than a healing session with the clients,” the statement said. Love told detectives that she is the sole owner of the three businesses under investigation, which she ran under the license name the Light Body Temple. No word on how she feels about underwear-based veggies, but my guess is a lot of multi-dimensional stuff is going at her temple.
(C) 2009 Inebriated Press
‘Five Dimensional’ Discs With A Storage Capacity 2,000 Times That Of Current DVDs
Caller reports topless excursion
Unwanted underwear donated at Chelsea Flower Show for Hampton Court Palace
Accused madam: My work is spiritual
New Iranian Missile Targets Israel; Woman sells Companionship – the Sex is Free; and New Economic Rules in Gas Supply-Demand
> Iran tests new Missile: Israel, southeast Europe in Range
> Woman Arrested after offering Free Sex, but charging for Companionship
> More supply, lower demand Raises gas Prices
May 22, 2009
The Associated Press reported Wednesday that Iran test-fired a new missile with a range of 1,200 miles, able to strike Israel, southeastern Europe and U.S. bases in the Middle East. And Florida’s Orlando Sentinel reported Tuesday that a woman was arrested for prostitution despite arguing that she doesn’t sell sex, she sells companionship, and gives the sex away for free. Meanwhile, WXIA Atlanta reported that there are new rules in the gasoline world, where up is down and down is up. Despite higher gas supplies and reduced demand, gas prices are higher — the converse of economic theory. Some pundits say that in today’s new America, companionship with women and gas stations will cost you, but the sex and gas are free.
“Thanks to smart-thinking voters, we now have a U.S. president who is giving all American’s free gas and sex, as his hope-and-change plan kicks-in, pats our ass, takes our wallets, and then slathers us with Democrat good will. It’s all cost-free because higher taxes and a bigger national debt are concepts we don’t understand — but free sex and gas we can grasp, and that’s what really matters,” said Yvonne Marble-Ryye, an ambidextrous gas pipe fitter and part-time sex worker, sometimes doing both simultaneously. “And Iranian missiles soon to be armed with nukes aren’t anything to be bothered by. So what if Iranian President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad has said Israel should be wiped off the face of the earth, it’s not like he’s come right out and said he plans to do it. Iran’s funding of Hamas and terrorists in Iraq are just his way of encouraging balanced behavior in the region. People need to relax and enjoy the free gas and sex and just chill out. Want some companionship? I don’t charge alot — and if you play your cards right, you might get something for free.”
Not everyone is as comfortable with Iranian nuclear-armed missiles and the illusion of free gas and sex. “I like gas and sex and maybe an occasional nuke launched in the right direction, but all these things cost someone something, and not everyone will deliver them equitably. I’m kind of big on fairness and I’ve been around long enough to know that anything that sounds too good to be true, probably is,” said Anna Belle-Lee, a patron of the arts and long-suffering conservative, caught-up in the spell of lucid thinking and a captive to common sense. “It’s not that I think I’ve got everything figured out, or claim to be some sort of genius. It’s just that at base, hookers sell sex, and gas companies will manipulate the market if they can in order to increase profits, and Ahmadinejad wants Israel destroyed and will do it himself if possible. It’s human nature to try and get what you want and bluff your way to get it if that’s what works. Hitler did it, so did Stalin. Obama’s doing it, so is every hooker who walks the earth — or lays on it for that matter. Now tell me some lie that I’ll buy, and let’s trip the light fantastic just for the sake of a dream and momentary fun. I’m stodgy but I still like a good time now and then.”
Associated Press reported that President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad said Iran test-fired a new advanced missile Wednesday with a range of about 1,200 miles, far enough to strike Israel, southeastern Europe and U.S. bases in the Middle East. The announcement will not reassure the U.S. government, coming just two days after President Barack Obama declared a readiness to seek deeper international sanctions against Iran if it shunned U.S. attempts to open negotiations on its nuclear program. Obama said he expected a positive response to his outreach for opening a dialogue with Iran by the end of the year. Ahmadinejad is running for re-election in a June 12 vote and has been criticized by his opponents and others for antagonizing the U.S. and mismanaging the country’s faltering economy. Most Western analysts believe Iran does not yet have the technology to produce nuclear weapons. Iran’s nuclear and missile programs have alarmed Israel, and the country’s new prime minister, Benjamin Netanyahu, pressed Obama to step up pressure on Tehran when the two met in Washington on Monday. Ahmadinejad has repeatedly called for Israel’s elimination, and the Jewish state has not ruled out a military strike to deal with the Iranian nuclear threat.
The Orlando Sentinel reported that a suspected prostitute shared her unusual work rationale with an undercover Leesburg police officer just before she was arrested for the second time within 24 hours late last week. “I don’t take money for sex,” Ashley M. Hollin, 26, of Leesburg, told the officer. “I take money for company and the sex is free.” Hollin’s comments came late Friday just before she was about to be arrested for the second time that day. According to a police report, Hollin told the officer she had learned something from her earlier arrest — accept cash for companionship, not sex. “See, I learned from making the mistake last night with the police — if I do it this way they can’t get me for it,” Hollin said, according to a police report. She was wrong. Leesburg police arrested Hollin and several other women on prostitution-related charges following complaints about prostitution near the Deluxe Motel at 113 N. 14th St.
WXIA Atlanta reported that we need to get used to the new rules of supply and demand in Gasoline World. The world where up is down and down is up. Average gasoline prices in Georgia are up 29 cents a gallon, so far, since May 1. But supplies are up, nationwide. And demand is down, overall. “We’re going to see higher gasoline prices as the summer goes through,” said Oil Industry Expert Tex Pitfield on Tuesday. Pitfield is most recently President and CEO of Saraguay Petroleum Corporation of Atlanta and is a consultant. Pitfield said refineries are charging retail gas stations more for wholesale gasoline because “the refineries aren’t making money. They’re not making money right now. We’re awash in supply, in fuel. And demand for fuel is probably off 20 percent to 25 percent across the board, worldwide, if not more.” Under “normal” laws of supply and demand, when demand is lower, prices should be lower. “Prices should be lower,” Pitfield said. “Prices will continue to go higher.”
On Tuesday, the federal government announced a program to require higher mileage cars by 2016. President Obama acknowledged that those cars would cost consumers more, possibly $1,300 more. “It costs money to build these vehicles,” he said, but he also said he anticipates “the cost of driving these vehicles will go down as drivers save money at the pump.”
“It’s going to cost us more,” predicted a motorist, Cheryl Barre, as she filled up her car at a gas station in Cobb County Tuesday evening. “The gas is going to cost more. It’s already high and going higher. There has to be better alternatives than what we’re looking at right now — one more burden for the taxpayer to take on.” Tex Pitfield agreed. 11Alive: “If we’ll be using less gasoline because we’ll all be driving higher-mileage cars, are the refineries going to kick up the prices because we’re using less?” Pitfield: “Oh, absolutely. I mean, that’s basic economics.” The NEW basic economics of supply and demand.
In other news, Florida’s St. Petersburg Times reported that a new report released Tuesday in the Journal of the American Medical Association says that insomnia is best treated by a combination of drugs and extended therapy to change bedtime behaviors. No word on whether a drug-therapy combo will be necessary to help Americans get comfortable with the new inverse gas-price-economics or help Israeli’s get comfortable with a nuclear Iran, but if we can get a little cheap companionship and free sex, maybe things will seem pretty good and we’ll all sleep like logs – or a reasonable facsimile thereof.
(C) 2009 InebriatedPress.com
Iran says it tests missile, Israel within range
Woman arrested after offering free sex — but a charge for companionship
The New Rules: Gas Demand Declines, Prices Jump
Pills-therapy combination work best at treating insomnia, study says
The Dude \ Den of Geek
Get your affairs in order before getting into a spat with one of these fellas…
Published on May 7, 2009
10: Tony Montana – Scarface
Perhaps Mr. Montana should be higher on this list but there is just such a plethora of bad-asses to choose from I had to make room for others. The thing about Tony Montana is that he spends the entire movie being bad-ass, so there really isn’t any argument as to whether or not he should be on this list. Of course if I were forced to pick one single moment that deems him worthy it would be that great final scene. Tony must know his world is about to come to an end so what does he do? He snorts some cocaine, and lots of it. Then he grabs his, uhh, “little friend” and says hello to his unwelcome guests. Tony then proceeds to blow a few of those guests to smithereens. Unfortunately for our Mr. Montana he runs out of bullets and, well, let’s just say he gets shot. But our hero is not done yet… Tony Montana gets back up and blows some more of his guests to smithereens. But really the thing that makes him so bad-ass is how he dies. It takes a double barreled shotgun from about five feet away to finally bring this guy down, and how does he fall? Into a freaking pool. Very dramatic, very beautiful, and well, very bad-ass.
9: Walter Sobchak – The Big Lebowski
Have you ever been bowling, saw another player’s toes cross the line and decided “Hey. I am going to pull a gun on that guy unless he marks it zero”. Not many people can say they have done that, but Walter Sobchak can say he has done that. Can you get a toe by 3 o’clock this afternoon? Walter Sobchak can. We all remember the scene where they interrogate the little kid and Walter walks outside the house, grabs a crowbar, and after smashing in the windows of a very nice car Walter yells out to the kid “This is what happens when you fuck a stranger in the ass!”. When I am sad and lonely I think of that moment and a smile will always stretch across my face. Thank you Walter Sobchak for just being so dang bad-ass.
8: Frank Lucas – American Gangster
Frank Lucas may not spend the entire movie being a bad-ass gangster but he has one defining moment that earns him the number eight spot on this list. Frank Lucas, drug lord and crime boss, is eating breakfast with his brothers and he just decides it is time to show everyone who is boss. He politely excuses himself from the table, leaving his brothers to watch what he is about to do. Frank walks casually up to a man who has disrespected him and, right in the middle of a sidewalk crawling with people, Frank Lucas shoots the man and walks casually back to the restaurant to finish his meal with his brothers. The guys got class. What a scene, what a bad-ass.
7: Sgt. Dignam – The Departed
You see this guy for maybe fifteen minutes during the whole movie, but as you walk away from the movie he is the one you are talking about. He grabs you right from the start and he never lets you go, you find yourself wishing they would have given him more screen time. He throws punches left and right, doesn’t give you a moment to think. I remember driving home from the movie theater after seeing The Departed and thinking to myself “huh”, because honestly I didn’t know what else to think. Dignam found a way to be bad-ass with the way he looked, talked, and even the way he moved. And then, right in the end, after everything that has happened, Dignam makes his presence in the movie unforgettable by showing up in the bad guy’s apartment and taking care of business. He even gives Matt Damon a moment to think before he ends his life. Dignam is a bad-ass with quality.
6: Al Capone – The Untouchables
This dude is just a bad-ass. Robert DeNiro couldn’t have done a better job portraying the most-respected man to come out of the 20s and 30s. Throw this movie in the DVD player next time you get the chance and just wait for that one scene. Capone walks cordially around the table talking about being a team and working together, only he is wielding a bat so something is bound to happen right? You can see it on all the bosses faces, they know its coming, but to whom? Well, then we find out, its that guy. That guy who gets his head smashed in about half a dozen times by Al Capone himself. Can you think of anything that sends shivers down your spine quicker? At least we know Mr. Capone got his point across.
5: Tommy DeVito – Goodfellas
I know I know, another gangster movie. I mean heck, another Scorsese movie, but what can I say, he knows how to create a bad-ass. Doesn’t it just eat you up inside whenever you think about Tommy? I know I get the chills if I sit down and watch this guy at work. Tommy is the kind of bad-ass who always means business. You don’t mess with him. You don’t even mess with messing with Tommy. You have to control yourself, a dirty word or look will get you six feet under even if you’ve been ‘Made’. No one wants to be Tommy, he isn’t that kind of bad-ass. He is the kind of bad-ass that we actually want to stay away from, simply because he is so bad-ass.
4: Walt Kowalski – Gran Torino
Walt Kowalski is a classic All-American Bad-Ass. Walt gets right in your face and says “Don’t fuck with me”. And the thing is, if you do mess with the old dude, something is going to happen. You’re not going to be happy with what happens. Walt makes you pay for your disrespect. Walt is the bad-ass that you respect, and if you don’t, well, you’ll see what happens. He knows the difference between right and wrong, honor and disrespect. He knows how to be a man. He will protect his family and his friends because that is the right thing to do. He just goes about it all very bad-ass. Walt’s just an old time, old fashioned, no-bullshit kinda guy.
3: Tyler Durden – Fight Club
What can be said about Tyler Durden? Expertly portrayed by Brad Pitt, Tyler climbs his way into our souls the moment we first lay eyes on him. Tyler becomes something that words cannot describe. Its just one of those things that you have to see. There is an unspoken bond between everyone who has seen him that no other character has ever created again. We all find ourselves looking in the mirror thinking what it would be like to be Tyler Durden. Tyler Durden is a force that we all know could be out there somewhere just doing whatever it is Tyler Durden does.
2: T101 – The Terminator
Okay, this guy came from the future to kill a chick. Come on? Can Hollywood ask for anything more than that? If your front door crashes open tonight and The Terminator is standing there, what are you supposed to do? Run? Fight? Pray? I have no clue what I would do but I know it wouldn’t run or fight. The thing that makes Terminator so dangerously bad-ass is that NOTHING MATTTERS. He would never accept a bribe. Give him the information he wants or he will kill you, and even if you give it to him, he will probably kill you anyways. I just need to make sure there is something in my garage that can crush him, or a large vat or molten metal that I could ask him to lower himself into. But we’ll just have to wait and see what happens.
1: Anton Chigurh – No Country for Old Men
What would you compare Anton Chigurh to? The Bubonic Plague? What is this guy? The Ultimate Bad-Ass? Who knows where this guy came from? Who knows where this guy disappears to? Anton Chigurh is so bad-ass that even the guy who wrote the book that the movie is based on didn’t tell us anything about him. He just cannot be described, explained, studied, nothing. Anton Chigurh IS the Ultimate Bad-Ass. Anton Chigurh just IS. I would pick a fight with The Terminator before I picked a fight with Anton Chigurh, only because there is no such thing as a fight with Anton Chigurh. Thank you so much Coen brothers for this bad of a bad-ass, and you too Mr. Bardem. Thank you.
Global Warming may Result in Cooling, Cops Taser Toy Cat, and University plans Semi-nude Romp for Finals Week
> Berkeley Study says Global Warming may Result in Cooling
> Nervous Police Taser Large Toy Cat
> Chapman University Preps for Spring Undie Run
May 21, 2009
Science Daily reported Tuesday that a new study by University of California, Berkeley says global warming may include periods of cooling, but researchers are pretty sure that the cooling doesn’t actually result in cooling, but is actually warming. And United Press International (UPI) reported Monday that police in Michigan responding to a report of a cougar on the loose, ended up Tasering a large toy cat apparently hiding in a cement drainpipe. Meanwhile, the Orange County Register reported Monday that Chapman University, in an attempt to keep students from frolicking semi-nude in the city’s 71-year-old fountain during finals week, will allow them to run semi-nude around campus every Wednesday night. Inebriated reporters romping around semi-nude and contemplating the counterintuitive nature of Obama’s plan to cut the national debt by quadrupling it, and how cold results in heat, and how toys are basically real, have decided that heavy drinking is the best way to avoid getting drunk.
“I don’t know about you, but I’m not taking any chances by ignoring the new realities and pretending that economics, nature and the first law of thermodynamics still act like they used to. They all behave the opposite of what they did in the past, and need to be treated accordingly,” said Alicia Redd-Lace, a biped and Inebriated Press theoretician, occasionally at the same time. “I’m going to start spending a lot more money so that my savings increase, and I’ll probably drink a couple of liters of Jack Daniels every day just to make sure that I’m always sober. It feels a bit chilly in here right now, so I’m taking off all of my clothes. I know it won’t make you uncomfortable, because it may have last year, but it’ll be the opposite now.”
Not everyone is so sure that cold is hot, or negative net worth equals vast wealth. “Call me crazy, but didn’t we just go through a period where no money down and bad credit allowed people who couldn’t afford homes to buy them and that wrecked the housing market and busted the financial system? Didn’t many of the same people who say we face the danger of global warming also say we faced the danger of global cooling and an impending ice age during the 1970’s? I’m thinking that hot is still hot and cold is still cold and that massive debt will still cause bankruptcy, and since people haven’t been on earth a fraction of the millennia that the universe has existed, that we have no clue as to whether the earth is running in 10, 100 or 1000 year temperature cycles,” said Mary-Martha Dannce-Knightly, an arms dealer and part-time stripper down at the Busty Squirrel Club and Pet Shop. “Now a toy animal probably needs to be Tased by cops from time to time, just to make sure that they stay in line, but beyond that, I think the basic laws of nature, economics and common sense still apply.”
Science Daily reported that global warming may include some periods of local cooling, according to a new study by researchers at the University of California, Berkeley. Results from satellite and ground-based sensor data show that sweltering summers can, paradoxically, lead to the temporary formation of a cooling haze. The study, published in the journal Proceedings of the National Academy of Sciences, found that when manmade pollutants mix with the natural compounds emitted from forests and vegetation during the hot summer months, they form secondary aerosols that reflect light from the sun. Such aerosols may also contribute to the formation of clouds, which also reflect sunlight. The results of this study suggest that climate models need to better account for the effects of organic aerosols, the authors said. The researchers estimated that the cooling effect from the aerosol haze over the U.S. Southeast in summer is outpacing the warming effect from carbon dioxide emissions by 2-to-1 in a negative feedback system. “The cooling effect of the organic aerosols we are reporting here are regional and temporal; they are dwarfed by the changes in the climate we are witnessing globally,” said Inez Fung, a UC Berkeley professor. “To counter all the warming effects from greenhouse gases with aerosols, levels would have to be so high that we’d have trouble breathing, and the sky would no longer appear blue.”
United Press International reported that police in Michigan responding to a report of a cougar on the loose said they ended up shooting a large toy cat with a Taser stun gun. Warren police said the 911 caller said a “huge” animal resembling “a 150-pound cat” was spotted in an old cement drainpipe in Bates Park and 10 officers were sent to the scene, WDIV-TV, Detroit, reported Monday. The officers saw the outline of the animal in the pipe and shot it with the Taser — only to discover it was a large toy cougar. Police Commissioner William Dwyer said investigators believe the incident, which cost the department $1,000 in wasted police hours from responding to the scene and filling out paperwork, was a prank. Dwyer said the prankster could face 90 days probation and fines equivalent to the wasted police money if caught.
The Orange County Register reported that Chapman University, in an attempt to keep students from frolicking again in the city’s 71-year-old fountain, will allow students to return to campus for a foam party after Wednesday night’s traditional Undie Run. The run occurs every Wednesday night during Chapman’s finals week in the winter and spring. Students meet at Memorial Hall, strip to their underwear, run a couple of blocks to the plaza, or traffic circle, and back. For the first time, Chapman is partnering with student leaders on the Undie Run, an unsanctioned campus event that upset the mayor in the fall because students damaged the fountain. University spokeswoman Mary Platt said the loose partnership is to help avoid an incident similar to the Undie Run in December when some students climbed in and broke the 71-year-old fountain in the plaza. About 1,500 students ran that time. The university picked up a $13,000 tab to repair the fountain and for police staffing the event. The foam party is meant to lure students back to campus. The Undie Run’s origins at Chapman are fuzzy.
Some people say that the fuzzier things are, the better.
“In today’s world of uncertainty and challenge, it’s important that all government and personal planning is hazy, fuzzy and unclear so that everything is in accord with the inherent meaningless and randomness of nature, global warming and most of Nancy Pelosi’s statements,” said a passing gnome carrying roots and a bottle of good Scotch. “Relativity is at the heart of physics, evolution and ethics, it only makes sense that it should also be applied to economics and the war on terror. Nothing has any real meaning, other than what we decide it is at any one time. Why should we think that some people or economic, or political systems should behave in a predictable or rational way; or that anything is really ‘bad’ or ‘good’. It’s important that we build our lives on the sands of relativity and chaos. It’s the only really natural foundation, and it’s the true character of our age. I’d talk more, but I’ve got work to do and bills to pay. Damn bill collectors have no concept of the importance of relativity and still expect to be paid, and to be paid on time. They’re a bunch of damn capitalist business types clinging to a bunch of ‘real world’ crap.”
In other news, UK’s The Sun reported on Tuesday that a man who twice beat his girlfriend got his punishment — 60 hours working out at the gym. The bizarre sentence was imposed by Judge Anthony Goldstaub QC on Richard Brown at Chelmsford Crown Court. The judge had been told of the attacks carried out by Brown, an unemployed IT worker, of Hornchurch, Essex, on his partner and mother-of-six. As part of his penalty the judge ruled Brown must attend a gym three times a week for an hour for 20 weeks as “an activity requirement”. Brown had pleaded guilty to two offences of assault causing actual bodily harm. No word on why being sentenced to go to a gym is a cure for physical abuse, but in an era where cold weather is heating the globe and trillions of dollars in spending is fixing government debt, it takes a little while for old fashioned thinkers to catch up with the new reality. Or some such bullshit.
(C) 2009 InebriatedPress.com
Global Warming May Result In Some Periods Of Cooling In Southeastern United States
Police use Taser on fake cougar
Old Towne: Chapman preps for spring Undie Run
Sentenced to gym work out