Donkey ‘Suicide’ Bombers, Sex on the Queens Lawn, and Couple Dodges Tricky Incest Problem

> Detonating Donkey’s Near Soldiers, Latest Tactic in Afghanistan
> Couple Arrested Having Sex on Windsor Castle Lawn
> Brother and Sister Marry, Discover They’re Not Really Related

Inebriated Press
May 4, 2009

Relatives, on your lawn?

Relatives, on your lawn?

The Times Online reported Thursday that the latest “suicide” bombing tactic in Afghanistan, is blowing up donkey’s laden with explosives and tethered on roadsides, when military vehicles pass.  And the Telegraph reported Thursday that a couple was arrested after being caught having sexual intercourse on the Queen’s lawn outside Windsor Castle. Meanwhile, MosNews reported Wednesday that police are looking for a brother and sister who ran away from home and got married after learning that they were not relatives by blood.  Pundits are debating the nature of freedom, sex and death.

Someone named Linda

Someone named Linda

“The couple arrested having sex on the lawn chose to do that, just like the brother and sister who chose to have sex and eventually get married — the blood relationship was learned late in that game, but the choices were still theirs.  But the donkeys that are getting blown to bits are not freely making the choice, so they’re not technically ‘suicide bombers’. Suicide involves the decision to end ones own life and the donkey’s aren’t included in the decision making process,” said Lusty Linda Doubletoe-Loop, an ice skating stripper, who hates the name her parents gave her, but tries to live up to it.  “Freedom to chose who you have sex with and where, and when to blow yourself up and where, are important freedoms that shouldn’t be taken away by the police, the State, or one’s parents.  Freedom to be a donkey mating its cousin and not being blown up, should be that animals right.  And freedom for brothers and sisters to have sex on the lawn at Windsor Castle is also a right that people should have.  Freedom of the individual is a natural right and should not be controlled as though it’s granted by society or a government.  Now if you’ll excuse me, I have a date with my brother and a donkey.  Don’t look at me so strange, this is about freedom.”

Someone named Deidre

Someone named Deidre

Not everyone agrees with Doubletoe-Loop.  “You want to blow up a donkey, blow up a donkey.  Just don’t be blowing up donkey’s that don’t belong to you, or killing people who don’t want to be killed.  And as far as sex between relatives and on the lawns of kings or queens goes, it’s wrong.  At the very least, for genetic reasons you shouldn’t have sex with relations; and for propriety’s sake, let alone the private property issue, you can’t be having sex on other peoples lawns in broad daylight,” said Deidre McMilkshake, a hot Irish dairy executive who thrives on regulatory concepts and other restrictive things, some of which involve leather.  “Individuals have no rights not granted to them by the State or governing authority.  Freedom without restraint is chaos. An orderly society requires restrictions, laws, rules.  Without rule of law, no economy can be developed, and society is mere menagerie.  On a personal level, I’ve found that the tighter and more restrictive I wear my clothes, the more power I have — especially over men.  Silicon properly installed and barely constrained behind leather is like lightening in a bottle.  Like chaos on a leash.  Don’t tell me that harnessed energy can’t be channeled for societies good, and mine too.  Watch me out on a Saturday night if you still have doubts.”

Donkey's are dangerous

Donkey's are dangerous

The Times Online reported that a senior British Army officer and six other military personnel survived attack when a tethered donkey laden with explosives was detonated as their armored vehicle passed in southern Afghanistan. The huge explosion showered the soldier standing on “top cover” out of the Mastiff’s turret with donkey entrails and blood, and the sight was so gruesome that the rest of those in the vehicle thought he had been mortally wounded in the blast. Troops in Afghanistan have been attacked by a boy with a wheelbarrow full of explosives and a bicycle with a bomb attached, but the explosion south of Garmsir in southern Helmand province is thought to be the first using tethered livestock.

Keep off the grassThe Telegraph reported that a couple were arrested after being caught having sexual intercourse on the Queen’s lawn outside Windsor Castle. The pair, in their early thirties, stripped on a private grass bank at the castle, where Her Majesty was in residence. They were watched by crowds of tourists beneath the castle’s Garter Tower, in full view of hotels, pubs and shops over the road. Several Japanese tourists filmed the couple for up to twenty minutes before they were arrested by armed Royal Protection Squad officers. Witness Mark Robinson, 44, said: “One window from the guardroom opened up and when a soldier saw what was going on he told his mates – and lots of windows opened. The couple did not care who was looking and just kept going as if they were in their own bedroom. They even ignored the Please Keep Off The Grass signs.”

Happily married.

Happily married.

MosNews reported that police are looking for the brother and sister who ran away from home and got married after learning that they were not relatives by blood. Their parents, well-off residents of Smolensk city in Central Russia, adopted the boy as a baby when their own daughter was five years old, and never told the son he was adopted. The two seemed to have feelings for each other since childhood. As they grew, the emotional relationship between the brother and sister became obvious to family and friends, and the parents became even more determined not to reveal the truth. Finally, when they were already 20 and 25 years old, the two learned the truth from one of the neighbors, and realized nothing was keeping them apart. When they revealed their intentions to the parents, it provoked a massive row, and the next day they were gone.

She can kick your ass

She can kick your ass

In other news, Associated Press reported Wednesday that Los Angeles County sheriff’s Deputy Michael Rust says a Quartz Hill girl was walking to school April 24 when two men approached her from behind, tried to grab her coat and demanded money. Instead, one got a punch in the nose and the other a kick to the groin. Rust says the girl then beat both of them with her band baton before she ran away. The men had not been caught. But Rust says there’s a clear message to take from the encounter: “The moral to this story is don’t mess with the marching band girls, or you just might get what you deserve.”  No word on how the girl feels about terrorists who blow up donkeys, or couples who have sex on Windsor Castle’s lawn, but she sounds like the type who won’t take shit from anyone, so I’ll bet she has an opinion and it probably makes sense.

(C) 2009 InebriatedPress.com

Source articles:

Donkey ‘suicide’ bombing is latest tactic against patrols
http://www.timesonline.co.uk/tol/news/uk/article6194874.ece

Sex on Queen’s lawn at Windsor Castle
http://www.telegraph.co.uk/news/uknews/5248440/Sex-on-Queens-lawn-at-Windsor-Castle.html

Russian couple happy to find out it’s not incest
http://mosnews.com/society/2009/04/29/incest/

Girl Beats Off Muggers With Marching Band Baton
http://www.theindychannel.com/news/19328026/detail.html

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