Massaging Horses, Topless Beauty Queen’s, and the Good Health Effects of Booze

> Massage therapist battles State to do horses
> Miss USA Runner-Up, Defends Topless Photo
> Harvard study to determine if drink-a-day fights heart disease

Inebriated Press
May 8, 2009

Miss USA runner-up

Miss USA runner-up

The Maryland Daily Record reported Tuesday that Mercedes Clemens, a certified massage therapist, may soon get to resume massaging horses after a judge urged a state board to rescind its cease and desist order. “I’m cautiously hopeful,” said Clemens.  And San Diego TV-6 reported Wednesday that Carrie Prejean current Miss California and Miss USA runner-up, defended a topless picture of her that is spreading on the internet.  “I am a model,” she said.  Meanwhile, The Boston Globe reported Wednesday that a new Harvard University study is determined to show if a daily dose of alcohol will prevent heart disease.  “It’s a unique opportunity,” said Dr. Kenneth Mukamal.  Inebriated Press reporters, already confident of their awe inspiring good health, ponder the benefits of topless horse massage.

Someone named Missy

Someone named Missy

“Massaging people or horses will do both good, and going topless is always a fine thing to do when you want a tan, some freedom from clothing, or a few bucks tucked into your g-string,” said Missy Hopeful-Hooligan, a part-time reporter, part-time stripper, and part-time massage therapist for leafy green vegetables.  “I do all-the-above and am open to other things if the mood hits me and the cash is good.  There shouldn’t be restrictions on massage or nudity.  As far as having a drink-a-day for health, I do it all the time and feel great.  What’s to study?”

Someone named Beverly

Someone named Beverly

Not everyone agrees with Hopeful-Hooligan.  “Only formally trained horse massage therapists should rub a horse, and only highly trained human massage therapists should be rubbing people and messing with their deep tissue and stuff.  You can’t just let anyone who wants to rub you, rub you.  They should be trained professionals, and should have their tops on,” said Beverly Kingg-Biped, a writer and pro-garden activist who’s also a legend in her own mind.  “Even leafy green vegetables should only be handled by experienced gardeners who understand plants feelings, and can properly care for them and gently manipulate their fibers.  I go topless in the shower sometimes, but I would never do it while gardening or engaged in some kind of massage.  There are proprieties that should be observed, and that’s true no matter how much booze you slam each day for your health.”

Horse massage

Horse massage

The Daily Record reported that H. Mercedes Clemens is battling a licensing board’s order that limits her work to human clients. The certified massage therapist may soon get to resume her side business of massaging horses after a judge on Tuesday urged a state board to rescind its order that would force her to choose between her human and equine clients. During a 30-minute hearing in Montgomery County Circuit Court, Judge David A. Boynton grilled the Maryland Board of Chiropractic and Massage Therapy Examiners’ attorney as to the basis for the agency’s order that Clemens cease and desist from massaging horses, or risk losing her license. The chiropractic board’s authority is limited to regulating who can massage human beings as part of a business, Boynton told the attorney, Grant Gerber. “Does a person even need a license to give a massage to a horse?” Boynton said. “I don’t understand why this [cease and desist] letter hasn’t already been withdrawn.” Gerber, under Boynton’s verbal barrage, said the board will consider whether to retain its policy of prohibiting equine massage by the massage therapists it certifies at its regularly scheduled meeting on May 14. Clemens, who said she has not massaged horses since the cease-and-desist order was issued, voiced guarded optimism that the board will lift its directive and change its policy. Clemens had massaged the horses of about 30 clients, a side business she said she abandoned on the advice of counsel after receiving the letter from the chiropractic board.

Carrie PrejeanSan Diego TV-6 reported that local college student Carrie Prejean, AKA Miss California, AKA Miss USA runner-up, is defending a revealing picture of her that has emerged on the internet. TheDirty.com, a celebrity gossip blog, claims to have nude photos of the Vista High graduate and San Diego Christian College student.  The site had posted just one of those images of the beauty queen. It shows her with her back to the camera, looking over her shoulder, wearing nothing but pink panties, with an arm strategically covering her breasts. “I am a Christian, and I am a model,” Prejean said in a statement released Tuesday morning. “Models pose for pictures, including lingerie and swimwear photos. Recently, photos taken of me as a teenager have been released surreptitiously to a tabloid Web site that openly mocks me for my Christian faith. I am not perfect, and I will never claim to be.”  State pageant officials raise the possibility Tuesday afternoon that Prejean could lose her crown.

Send booze!The Boston Globe reported that there is, perhaps, no place in the world where science is pursued more soberly than at Harvard University and its affiliated hospitals. So it may come as a bit of a surprise that a researcher at Beth Israel Deaconess Medical Center is undertaking the most rigorous study yet to answer an age-old, high-octane question: Can a daily dose of alcohol help prevent heart disease? Previous research has suggested that it does, but these studies had shortcomings. Now Dr. Kenneth Mukamal has embarked on a study of alcohol’s health consequences modeled on the gold-standard trials used to evaluate new drugs. The public often feels whipsawed. One week, alcohol’s good for you. The next, it’s bad for you. “It’s a unique opportunity,” said Mukamal, a Beth Israel Deaconess internist, “to put some of these questions to rest about what alcohol does to us.”  In Mukamal’s study, underwritten by the National Institute on Alcohol Abuse and Alcoholism, he will track 40 patients for six months each, providing them with their monthly supply of libation – premixed – in one-gallon jugs, taken 5 ounces at a time. Participants drinking the brew that contains alcohol down the equivalent of a medium glass of wine. Blood tests will be used to monitor alcohol’s effect on cholesterol levels, and scans will be used to examine fat deposits in arteries.

Hot Saudi babe, sure to win or die trying

Hot Saudi babe, sure to win or die trying

In other news, The Indianapolis Star reported Wednesday that Saudi Arabia’s only beauty pageant opens Saturday with nearly 200 contestants. But at this beauty pageant, the judges don’t care about a perfect figure or face. What they’re looking for in the quest for “Miss Beautiful Morals” is the contestant who shows the most devotion and respect for her parents. Contestants cover their faces and bodies in black robes and an Islamic veil, so no one knows what they look like. The Miss Beautiful Morals pageant is the latest example of conservative Muslims co-opting Western-style formats to spread their message in the face of the onslaught of foreign influences flooding the region through the Internet and satellite television. No word on how the “beauty contestants” feel about massaging horses, but you can bet they’re against booze and going topless.  No wonder the Middle East is full of pissed off maniacs lopping the heads off of people. 

(C) 2009 InebriatedPress.com

Source articles:

Reining in the regulator
http://www.mddailyrecord.com/article.cfm?id=11447&type=UTTM

Miss USA Runner-Up Defends Topless Photo; May be in Trouble with State Pageant
http://www.sandiego6.com/news/local/story/Carrie-Prejean-defends-topless-photo-gay-marrriage/pfY06daYk0iquiiN1bhDpA.cspx

Alcohol study drinks to your health
http://www.boston.com/news/health/articles/2009/05/06/alcohol_study_drinks_to_your_health/

Here she comes: Saudi’s Miss Beautiful Morals
http://hosted.ap.org/dynamic/stories/M/ML_SAUDI_MISS_BEAUTIFUL_MORALS?SITE=ININS&SECTION=HOME&TEMPLATE=DEFAULT

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