Bad Economy, Good Sex; Two Weeks Until Al Qaeda goes Nuclear; Male Baseball Players use Women’s Fertility Drugs

> Recession drives stay-at-home ‘entertainment’, baby boom
> Islamic extremists two weeks from control of Pakistani nukes
> MLB player Manny Ramirez suspended for using hCG, a female fertility drug

Inebriated Press
May 11, 2009

Home entertainment

Home entertainment

USA Today reported last Thursday that bad times in the boardroom can make for good times in the bedroom. People are having sex, and a lot of it. Obstetrician’s say the recession has spawned a new baby boom as people stay at home evenings and horse around.  And Human Events reported Wednesday that General David Petraeus, commander of America’s Central Command, said Pakistan may be just two weeks from falling to Islamic extremists.  Meanwhile, New York Daily News reported Thursday that Dodgers slugger Manny Ramirez received a 50-game suspension from Major League Baseball (MLB) for using the banned substance, hCG, a female fertility drug also used as a poststeroid cycle treatment.  Some pundits say Manny only used women’s fertility drugs because the economy is weak and he wants to ovulate before Al Qaeda goes nuclear. 

Someone named Ashton

Someone named Ashton

“You can’t blame a guy who’s sexually confused and wants to get in on the baby boom before Al Qaeda gets the bomb and starts blowing up shit.  Manny would never take drugs to enhance his athletic ability or use women’s med’s to hide steroid use, it’s all about getting knocked up somehow,” said Ashton Blindd-Eyee, a gardener and baseball fanatic who loves illusion and smokes the stuff he grows.  “Now if you’ll excuse me I’ve got to get home and hop in the sack with my wife.  The economy has us spending more time at home in bed together.  This recession is the best thing that’s ever happened to me.”

Lacy, so to speak

Lacy, so to speak

Not everyone buys what Blindd-Eyee is smoking.  “Manny was getting an edge from steroids and using the fertility drugs to mask it; anyone not on mind-altering drugs understands that.  And Islamic terrorists will probably have nukes in the near future, because Obama will just have a chat and encourage them to be nice and not try to stop them.  This is hope and change?  I’m not sure this is what we signed on for,” said Lacy Mae-Maelstrom, a conservative Democrat and landscape designer, currently reconsidering her smoking choices and political party affiliation.  “It’s time the U.S. stop trying to become a western European pacifist and start behaving like a Reagan Democrat. I may want to legalize drugs and prostitution, but I also want a strong defense and tougher immigration laws so Hamas isn’t bringing nukes into the U.S. across the Mexican or Canadian border.  We’ve got to get practical about protecting ourselves as well as having a good time.  I admit the recessionary sex has been great, but it’s not changing my mind about the need for strong birth control or a strong national defense.”

Warriors’ against Recession Depression

Warriors’ against Recession Depression

USA Today reported that recession ‘entertainment’ may beget a new baby boom. It happens a lot during hurricanes and blizzards. People spend more time at home. They don’t venture out, which means they end up entertaining themselves any way they can. Now, during a struggling economy, it’s happening again. Bad times in the boardroom, it seems, can make for good times in the bedroom. Obstetrician Natalie Leibensperger knows this firsthand, judging from the recent baby boom she’s seeing. People are having sex, and a lot of it. “You’ve lost your job, or you’ve lost your house, and you’re having to cut back on everything. You’re not going to go to the movies or go out to dinner,” she says. Leibensperger has seen as many as 23 new patients in a week, all of them pregnant. More women are sitting in her waiting room these days with round bellies and lots of questions. “They’re probably having sex more, not having outside activities that they’re doing instead,” Leibensperger said. “It brings people closer together. It’s a huge stress relief for them.”  For the most part, Leibensperger says, with all the negativity that comes with a bad economy, people just want to feel good. Having sex, she said, is great for the body. It decreases depression, improves sleep and is good for overall well-being, she adds.

Al Qaeda's dream for you and me

Al Qaeda's dream for you and me

Human Events reported that General David Petraeus (commander of America’s Central Command, which covers all U.S. forces in the Middle East and south Asia), reportedly said Pakistan may be just two weeks from falling to Islamic extremists. Petraeus’ statement is based on current operations — the stuff reported in the press — and secret signal and human intelligence which expose the enemy’s true plans. Those secrets coupled with a disastrous set of circumstances apparently convinced Petraeus the Taliban intends to quickly consume Pakistan. Petraeus’ pessimism is understandable. Pakistan’s government has shown weakness when dealing with the Taliban, a radical Islamist enemy allied with al-Qaeda. Pakistan naively surrendered land for Taliban promises of peace that were quickly broken. Now, the insurgents are methodically transforming Pakistan into an Islamic camp. The extremists are closing on the capital and promise to continue their march until all Pakistan falls.

New owners: Taliban?

New owners: Taliban?

Pakistan is home to more than 12,000 madrassas — Islamic schools — which for more than 20 years have fed and housed hundreds of thousands of children while pushing a militant brand of Islam. Madrassas offer no instruction beyond the memorizing of the Koran, creating a widening pool of young minds that are sympathetic to militancy. Police in Punjab, Pakistan’s largest province, say more than two-thirds of suicide bombers had attended madrassas. That’s why Ibn Abduh Rehman, who directs the Human Rights Commission of Pakistan, warned “We are at the beginning of a great storm that is about to sweep the country.” Pakistan has 60-100 atomic weapons and ballistic and cruise missiles. With extremists running Islamabad, the Afghan war would expand to include Pakistan and quite likely morph into a broader regional war that includes India. It’s doubtful the U.S. and NATO will commit more forces to a Central Asian region-wide war. This could become justification to quit Afghanistan and bring our forces home and accept the consequences, such an atomic missile armed al-Qaeda. Pakistan is a bomb, the fuse is burning and as Petraeus has said, time is short.

MLB on steroidsNew York Daily News reported that Los Angeles Dodgers slugger Manny Ramirez was hit with a 50-game suspension last Thursday by Major League Baseball (MLB) after tests revealed unnatural levels of a banned substance in his body, and a subsequent MLB investigation found that he used the banned female fertility drug human chorionic gonadotrophin, or hCG. The suspension served notice to players and the public that baseball’s superstars are not immune from the penalties of its drug policy and that MLB will aggressively pursue drug cheats, well beyond positive drug tests. Under MLB’s policy, a player with a medical condition that warrants use of a banned substance can apply through MLB doctors for a temporary use exemption (TUE): Ramirez, however, does not have a “TUE.”

Some people say we should have seen this stuff coming.

Someone named Heather

Someone named Heather

“So the Taliban lied to the Pakistani’s and now want to take over their country, are you surprised by that?  And people are using the recession as an excuse to have sex more, does that amaze you?  Or how about the news that baseball players are cheating by taking illegal drugs to enhance their performance; didn’t see that coming, right?” said Heather Hott-Irony, a sensuous metal worker with common sense oozing out of her like butter in the sun, and occasionally just as sweet and sticky.  “Come on, pull your head out of your ass and get some fresh air.  You want to stop terrorists, nuke the bastards before they nuke you.  You want to stop steroid use in baseball, ban the users and erase their records.  You want to avoid pregnancy during recessionary sex, use protection.  For crying out loud, what kind of idiots have we become?  Oh that’s right, we elected a community organizer with no governing or business experience to run our f***ing country.  Shit, we have become a nation of morons — at least the 53% who voted for Obama are.  Son of a bitch.  Where’s Reagan now that we need him.  Lucky bastard’s in heaven.  If Al Qaeda gets the bomb, we’ll probably all be joining him soon.”

Make big money on eBay selling priceless information!

Make big money on eBay selling priceless information!

In other news, the U.K. Daily Mail reported Thursday that top secret details of a U.S. military missile air defense system were found on a second-hand hard drive bought on eBay. The test launch procedures were found on a hard disk for the THAAD (Terminal High Altitude Area Defense) ground to air missile defense system, used to shoot down Scud missiles in Iraq. The disk also contained security policies, blueprints of facilities and personal information on employees including social security numbers, belonging to technology company Lockheed Martin – who designed and built the system. British researchers found the data while studying more than 300 hard disks bought at computer auctions, computer fairs and eBay. No word on how the U.S. plans to keep terrorists from getting nukes when they can’t stop themselves from giving away top secrets, but at least the recessionary sex has been good.

(C) 2009 InebriatedPress.com

Source articles:

Recession ‘entertainment’ may beget new baby boom
http://www.usatoday.com/news/health/2009-05-07-economy-sex_N.htm

Two Weeks Left in Pakistan
http://www.humanevents.com/article.php?id=31742

Dodger’s slugger Manny Ramirez gets 50-game suspension from MLB for using banned substance
http://www.nydailynews.com/sports/baseball/2009/05/07/2009-05-07_source_dodgers_slugger_manny_ramirez_tests_positive_for_banned_substance.html

Computer hard drive sold on eBay ‘had details of top secret U.S. missile defense system’
http://www.dailymail.co.uk/news/article-1178239/Computer-hard-drive-sold-eBay-details-secret-U-S-missile-defence-system.html

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