Daily Archives: May 15, 2009

Government Waste too Slow, Hugo Chavez “Penis” Phone Launched, and Man Catches Wife Cheating in Porn DVD

> US Spent Less than 6% of Stimulus, as Economy Recovers
> Venezuela President Launches Affordable “Penis” Phone
> Man Buys Porn DVD, Discovers Wife Having Sex with Friend

Inebriated Press
May 15, 2009

We're spending as fast as we can

We're spending as fast as we can

Reason Magazine reported Wednesday that the U.S. federal government has spent less than 6 percent of the $787 billion stimulus package approved by Congress in February, while the economy is recovering on its own.  Both the Fed chief and head of the president’s Council of Economic Advisors say the recession will end later this year.  Vice President Joe Biden says they’re spending as fast as they can and hope to have 70% spent by summer of 2010.  And IntoMobile reported Tuesday that Hugo Chavez became the first sitting national leader to launch a cell phone. The phone is called the “vergatorio” which is local slang for “penis.” Meanwhile, The Courier Mail reported that a man bought a porn DVD only to find footage of his wife having sex with his friend. Pundits are debating the power of a free economy, and the nature of cellular genitalia and video revelations.

Someone named Ashley

Someone named Ashley

“Good things come to those who wait, especially a solid economy if the country has a free market system with a modicum of common-sense regulation and limited taxation.  On the other hand, weird stuff will come from socialist leadership, like cell phone genitalia.  And I don’t know what to say about the poor bastard who caught his wife screwing his friend on some DVD he bought,” said Ashley Monigram-Holism, a hair care professional smitten with rational thinking and a small heat rash.  “It is rather remarkable that the U.S. economy shows signs of improvement despite the heavy corporate taxes that Obama wants to make worse, and a bizarre political system that rewards failure while forcing well-managed companies to compete against firms artificially propped up by the government.  Of course such resiliency can’t last if Obama taxes and controls private firms they way he plans to, and continues to nationalize badly run companies.  I wonder when he’ll announce his version of a penis phone.  Maybe he’ll have Chrysler and GM build environmentally friendly penis cars.  I’d like to talk more but I’m busy scanning porn DVD’s trying to find out if my husband is cheating on me.  So far so good.  Does it feel hot in here to you?”

Someone named Trixie

Someone named Trixie

Not everyone agrees with Monigram-Holism.  “The suggestion that America’s economy is improving on its own just because a tiny part of the stimulus package has been spent is absurd.  Such thinkers mistake the nature of economic recovery as something related to money, sales or GDP, when it’s really all about attitude.  President Obama’s current leadership of the free world is why all things are and will continue to become better and better,” said Trixie Dixie, an existential philosopher who gave up her job as a dish washer when Obama appointed her advisor to the U.S. Treasury.  “And don’t think that penis-based telephones, automobiles and hair care products won’t improve life on earth, and perhaps alter our understanding about race relations, gay rights and STD cures.  The more comfortable we become with goods and services that reference genitalia, the greater our capacity to contemplate the wonder of humankind within the scope of technological advancement, the social influence of Al Qaeda, and family members on porn DVD’s.  And I’m not just saying this because I use medical marijuana heavily; I’ve thought this all through.  Damn this is some good shit.”

Biden talks spending or penis phone

Biden talks spending or penis phone

Reason Magazine reported that it turns out the federal government is not even efficient at wasting our money. The New York Times reports that less than 6 percent of the $787 billion stimulus package approved by Congress in February has been spent so far. The Obama administration has said it wants to spend 70 percent by the summer of 2010, so it will have to pick up the pace. Not to worry, says Vice President Biden: “I think that what you’re going to see happen here is the velocity of this will increase not just arithmetically, but geometrically here. At least, we’ve got to make that happen.” They’d better hurry, before the economy recovers on its own. Both Federal Reserve Chairman Ben Bernanke and Christina Romer, chairwoman of the president’s Council of Economic Advisers, say it looks like the recession will end later this year. In fact, Barclays Capital strategist Barry Knapp says it may have ended last month, which he predicts is where the National Bureau of Economic Research ultimately will locate the bottom of the downturn.

The Congressional Budget Office estimates that only 25 percent of the stimulus money will be spent by the end of this year. That’s one-quarter of a sum that stimulus enthusiasts such as New York Times columnist Paul Krugman said was woefully inadequate. “We’re trying to get the money out as quickly as we can,” says Biden, “but not too quickly, so we don’t end up really screwing up here….In 85 days we’ve gotten tens of billions of dollars out the door, and so far — knock on wood — no real big problems, no real big glitches.” In February, Nick Gillespie noted that stimulus spending always seems to come after the recession is over. Yesterday Veronique de Rugy and Eileen Norcross wondered if we’ll ever know exactly where the current batch of magically multiplying money went.

Chavez & Castro talk PenisPhone 2.0 with vibrator prototype

Chavez & Castro talk PenisPhone 2.0 with vibrator prototype

IntoMobile reported that Venezuela’s president Hugo Chavez has just done what no other cell phone company in the world would dare do. Chavez has launched the first ever “penis” phone. In an unprecedented product launch, Hugo Chavez became the first sitting national leader to launch a cell phone. Hugo took the time during his weekly TV show, “Hello President,” to unveil to the world the new “Vergatorio” cell phone. He proclaimed to the world that “This telephone will be the biggest seller not only in Venezuela but the world.” Chavez went on to add that “whoever doesn’t have a Vergatario is nothing.” For those not too versed in Venezuelan slang, the name “vergatorio” is derived from the local slang for “penis.” Chavez started down the road to his historic “penis” cell phone launch when he nationalized the cell phone manufacturer that made the Vergatorio. The President-turned-cell phone-pitchman wanted to make a cell phone that was “light, beautiful, good and cheap.” The end result is the unfortunately named Vergatorio.

AffairsThe Courier Mail reported that a Taiwan carpenter bought a porn DVD only to find secretly taped motel footage of his wife having sex with his friend, whom the husband later stabbed. The husband, identified only by his surname Lee, discovered the illicit sex on the DVD in 2002. The sexual acts apparently had been recorded using a hidden camera and were on a pornographic DVD, titled Affairs with Others’ Wives, which the husband bought from a vendor to watch at home. Lee, who lives in Taoyuan County near Taipei, divorced his wife after viewing the DVD. His friend, a butcher, fled their village. In August 2008, Lee spotted the butcher in Chungli City, returned with a knife and stabbed his former friend in the thigh. Lee was indicted on Tuesday on a charge of causing bodily harm to another person.

Some people say the notion of common sense and good taste are illusions forced upon the masses by the bourgeoisie.

Vibrator phone

Vibrator phone

“It’s all bullshit,” said Marxie Noble, as he sat with his penis in one hand and cell phone in the other and wondered which was which.  “Logic and taste are invented dictums being forced on the people by power mongers who want to enslave men and women with dialectical arguments about values, responsibility and rule of law.  It’s all meaningless.  Soon, countries run by enlightened dictators will prove how much better off their economies are than capitalist ones because their leaders do whatever they feel like.  For example, when Hugo launches PenisPhone 2.0 — a cell phone/vibrator combo — Venezuela’s economy will explode and become the most powerful in the world.  You think women are always on their cell phones now, wait until 2.0, they’ll be literally on-their-phones day and night.  Gives whole new meaning to the cell phone company’s ‘Family and Friends’ program.”

Penis slashing

Penis slashing

In other news, Thanhnien News reported a couple weeks ago that doctors have been reporting an increase in the number of Vietnamese men being rushed to hospital after their sexual organs have been cut off by jealous wives or girlfriends. The good news for the castrated men is that the amputated organ can be successfully reattached if it is preserved properly. Doctors say the men who have their members cut off should “hang on to their penises” and not give up hope.  A properly refrigerated penis rushed to hospital with the victim, can be successfully reattached and in most cases erections return about a month after surgery.  However, doctors say ejaculation may be delayed for a while and the penis could be a little smaller than before.  No word on whether the doctors also fix penis cell phones, but once Joe Biden is on the case, rest assured that the government will be working on it as fast as it can.  So we’ve got that going for us.

(C) 2009 InebriatedPress.com


Source articles:

Biden: We’re Spending As Fast As We Can

Venezuela’s Hugo Chavez launches affordable “Penis” phone

Man busts wife, mate in porn DVD

Men should hold onto dongs, due to recent slashes

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Top 10 badass movie gals

The Dude \ Den of Geek


It’s when you’re not expecting to have your arse kicked that it hurts the most…

Published on May 7, 2009

10: Selene – Underworld

Selene is a vampire who defies her superiors, kills some werewolves…kills some more werewolves, then chops through the head of what is supposed to be the most powerful vampire, and does it all wearing what some might argue to be the best leather outfit ever. Selene is sexy and  bad-ass. What makes Selene so sexy and bad-ass? Well firstly, she is a vampire so that’s some major points right there. Also, she really knows how to use a gun, and I like that in a woman. Thirdly, she drives a wicked awesome car sooooo… Well, enough said.

9: Mulan – Mulan

I understand it may be a little iffy to include a Disney cartoon character on this list when there are other possible contenders but if we look at my favorite 2D bad-ass from the right angles there is some hard evidence as to how bas-ass she actually is. As a matter of fact, if this was a live action flick, Mulan would probably be higher, but it isn’t. Anyways, lets see…Mulan started off kinda easy, I mean she just stole her dad’s armor and ran off to fight a war and decided to call herself Ping. But then she dropped a MOUNTAIN ON THE HUNS. Then Mulan fell off a cliff and survived. And then, to top it all off, she defeated the most notorious villain in the East with his own sword and uhhh, saved all of China. And she did it all wearing a dress. Mulan, if my sons or daughters would turn out anything like you, I would gladly let you be the mother of my children.

8: Eowyn – LOTR Return of the King

Eowyn, not only are you a woman, but you are a bad-ass woman. You just bring so much to the table when you kill a Wraith King. You bring a woman with poise, grace, elegance, but most of all, you bring style. Little flick of the hair, little flash of the sword and Sauron’s main man is no more. You might even be higher on this list but, unfortunately for you, the rest of the time you spend on screen is fairly retarded and unenjoyable and we find ourselves wishing something else was happening. Luckily you have that one redeeming moment that earns you the title of bad-ass chick number seven. I’ll give you a call next time there is a Wraith King around that needs killing.

7: Abernathy, Kim, Lee, Zoë – Death Proof

I know this is more than one girl, but you can’t possibly classify them except as a group. I’d just like to mention that these girls would also make the list of girls who know how to Rock’N’Roll. I have never personally played a game of ship’s mast (the game where a girl uses belts to keep herself on the hood of a very fast-moving vehicle) but I am positive I wouldn’t do as well as Zoë does. I also don’t think I could handle getting thrown off the hood of that car by Stuntman Mike and then just jump right back into action. Oh, also I’m not a hot chick that carries a gun to shoot said Stuntman. Poor Stuntman Mike, he just wanted some fun. What did he get for his playfulness? Well, they shot him, destroyed his car, and then beat him to death with their bare hands! If there is one thing I have learned from this list its a greater respect for the average woman. Poor Stuntman Mike, he had to deal with multiple bad-ass chicks at the same time. Poor Stuntman Mike.

6: Cherry Darling – Planet Terror

Lets look at the facts. Cherry is a, uhhh, Exotic Dancer, and she uhh, well she loses her leg to a zombie. Cherry takes part in a sizzly, steamy, and sexy but short-lived scene with only one leg and plays pirate for most of the movie. But as much as I loved her peg leg I gotta say I enjoyed its replacement all the more. This is where her being bad-ass comes into play. Wait, have you ever seen Planet Terror? Well if you haven’t, go and rent it right now. Because in this movie, there is a girl who somehow attaches a large gun to her leg, and with this gun/leg she kills many-a-man. Its fairly bad-ass actually. She is riding backwards on a motorcycle so as to annihilate any would-be threats from behind and she is then thrown over a large wall and with her gun-leg she kills some more people. Its all very fantastically bad-ass.

5: Alice – Resident Evil

Genetically altered bad-asses aren’t your everyday bad-asses. They’re the ones you pit against large quantities of zombie creatures and expect to win, and Alice does not disappoint. She is extraordinarily pretty and manages to pull off packing more weapons than the Taliban with proficiency and skillfully-honed talent. Let’s discuss one scene in particular shall we? Okay here’s the scenario: bunch of helpless people inside a church are about to get eaten by some dog… thing. Well, the church has a large stained glass window which makes a perfect entrance for any bad-ass chick looking for a good entrance. So, naturally, Alice makes her entrance through the ornately painted window… on a motorcycle. Need I say more? Well, Alice then proceeds to kill the dog things with what appears to be ease and that’s all she wrote. All in a days work for this bad-ass.

4: Miho – Sin City

“Deadly little Miho, you won’t feel a thing if she doesn’t want you to.” These words are spoken respectfully of our number four bad-ass. First of all, Miho is Asian, which adds to her amount of bad-ass immensely. She pulls off the whole Asian assassin thing quite nicely. With Miho, its like this: I’m just not going to get involved with her. If I hear she is coming to town, I am going to leave. If I hear she is coming to dinner, I am going to leave. If I hear she is out to kill me, I am going to die. Although, on second thought, I’m fairly sure I wont hear about it if she is out to kill me. Remember when Miho kills all those guys in the Limo after leaping dramatically from the rooftops? More specifically however, remember when she kills the cop? What does he say about it? Oh yeah, “She doesn’t quite chop his head off, she makes a Pez dispenser out of him.”

3: Ellen Ripley – Alien

Ms. Ripley is one bad-ass chick. How many times does she have to look some crazy Alien Motherfucker in the face and kick its ass? Doesn’t Ellen die in one of the movies? And then doesn’t she come back to life? That’s something only one other gal on this list accomplishes throughout her time on the big screen. We can look at a number of different things that make Ellen Ripley deserving of this spot. Number 1: Ellen climbs into a big robot and decides it is time to bring the fight to the Alien instead of just running and hiding from it, and she kicks its ass. Number 2: Ellen fights an entire army of Aliens, and she opens up a can of whoop ass on them. Then doesn’t she use the Alien’s own acid to burn a hole in the glass and the Alien is sucked into space by a vortex through a hole about the size of a DVD? If all of those things combined don’t make her a bad-ass, I have no idea what does.

2: Beatrix Kiddo – Kill Bill Volumes 1 & 2

As I sat watching the credits roll after Kill Bill: Volume One, I turned to my buddy and said “Boy am I glad I’m not Bill.” I understand that the Crazy 88’s weren’t exactly 88 people, but, ARE YOU SERIOUS? And that crazy little girl with the ball and chain? I would’ve walked out right then and there, screw Bill. He isn’t worth it. But I guess its different when your nickname is Black Mamba and you belong to a secret organization of expert assassins. So then I see number two and things get even crazier. Beatrix amazes me every moment with the way she goes about her business. But most of all I like how she gets shot with a shotgun full of rock salt and gets buried alive. Moreso than that I like how she punches her way out of her coffin and climbs to the surface so as to continue her quest to kill Bill. Before she gets around to killing Bill she partakes in a pretty bad-ass chick fight and we all know how that ends. Elle is left confined in a trailer with the other kind of Black Mamba. The reptile kind. Oh, did I forget to mention that Elle is left in what is quite literally a blind rage? Of course Beatrix isn’t done yet. She still has to take care of Bill. After a bit of shenanigans on Bill’s part, our hero, Beatrix Kiddo, unleashes the ultimate weapon on her ultimate enemy: the ‘five-point-palm-exploding-heart’ technique. Needless to say, she kills Bill. Also, before all of this, she got shot in the head. Could she have been more bad-ass if she had tried? We will never know.

1: Sarah Connor – Terminator 2: Judgment Day

Simply put Sarah Connor is just a crazy bad-ass chick. Locked up in an insane asylum for who knows how long, she manages to beat the crap out of a bunch of dudes and take the doctor hostage. Sarah Connor is the kind of girl that knows what she is doing and what she is doing is kicking some ass. Running into strangers houses and shooting them and shooting at Terminators as they chase her down the street. Training her body and mind to repel the ever imminent machine take over and just all around looking like a bad-ass. She has a mission… survival. But really the thing that puts her at number one on this list actually takes place after she dies. Sarah Connor left the world a little present: A coffin full of weapons. Okay, that is BAD-ASS. Who the hell leaves a coffin full of weapons so that people can use them against the machines? Sarah Connor does. And that is why she is just so damn bad-ass. Thanks for the weapons Sarah.


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