Category Archives: Imbibers’ Choice

Microsoft puts Porn in Motion, Chinese Laugh at U.S. Treasury Secretary, and Inmate Escapes new “Anti-Prison” on Day One

> Microsoft’s New Search Engine Puts Mouse-Over Motion in Porn Searches
> Chinese Students Burst Out Laughing During Geithner Speech on Strength of US Dollar
> New $45 Million Warm-Fuzzy Prison has Break-Out First Day It’s Open

Inebriated Press
June 4, 2009

Giving the kids what they've been looking for.

Giving the kids what they've been looking for.

Fox News reported on Tuesday that Bing, Microsoft’s new search engine that went live over the weekend, allows anyone — of any age — to mouse over explicit porn videos on a search page and play them without leaving the search engine or going to the actual website.  Internet safety experts say it’s an easy way for kids to beat “nanny software” designed to keep them from viewing Internet porn.  And Reuters reported on Monday that students at Peking University broke into laughter when U.S. Treasury Secretary Timothy Geithner told them that all of China’s U.S. dollar and bond investments were safe; and that there is no fear of inflation.  Meanwhile, NBC Washington reported Monday that a new prison called the “New Beginnings Youth Center” is described as an “anti-prison” because it’s not as harsh and rigid as a traditional prison.  In fact it’s so friendly that the first day it was open an inmate escaped.  Pundits are debating the strength of U.S. monetary policy, new user-friendly prisons, and Microsoft’s new pro-porn initiative. 

Someone named Celeste

Someone named Celeste

“It seems to me that living an illusion followed by capitulation on any issue is the political and social trend of this new age. It’s being used extensively by the Obama administration and being emulated in other areas of American life and culture.  Just as the Obama’s Treasury pretends that creating a $12 trillion dollar deficit by printing money hand-over-fist won’t create inflation, and eventually will give in to harsh reality and do anything China tells us to do; so too, we create the illusion of prison security and let inmates escape the first day of operation, and just give in to the power of criminal rights over those of the innocent,” said Celeste Milky-Wayy, a proctologist who would rather be an astronomer, but likes her current wage scale better.  “You can see more evidence of that in Microsoft’s new pro-porn web browser that allows anyone running a web search who turns up a porn video, to view it and listen to it by  merely mousing over the image.  Basically it’s Microsoft’s way of saying ‘what the hell, the kids will view porn anyway, maybe they’ll like us and use more of our products if we enable them’.  I’m sure that the hit count on bing.com went through the roof when kids paused sexting long enough to let their friends all know about the Microsoft’s new web search feature.  Apparently the hope and change that Obama is bringing is capitulation to all of our desires for free cash, no inflation, easy-to access porn and on-demand prison exits.  Looks like only the Chinese know such logic is completely crazy.”

Someone named Janice

Someone named Janice

Not everyone sees it the way Milky-Wayy does.  “President Obama saved our ass after the terrible Bush years that were spent wastefully by protecting us from radical Muslims and other silly crap,” said Janice Janice-Janice, an unemployed bartender who likes things in threes.  “The U.S. is on sound financial footing thanks to massive government spending, and the prison inmates will all behave better if they can leave the facility to see a movie or rob a convenience store from time to time — our country is all about freedom and rights you know.  And kids of any age should be allowed to view porn if they want to, so they learn what they should be doing.  If they don’t learn about this stuff we’ll be wasting all the condoms we’re handing out in elementary school, and the birth control patches we’re giving 11-year-old girls.  Unfettered freedom for children, criminals and the federal government is best for America.  The only other thing we need to do to make sure it all works, is get the conservatives to shut up and bust their ass and provide the goods and services that the rest of us need.  It’s what they like to do anyway, so why not let them?  Better still, MAKE them.  Barack can’t change America if things remain the same.” 

bing.com

bing.com

Fox News reported that your kids may get a bang out of Bing — and that’s not a good thing, Internet safety experts warned on Monday. Bing, Microsoft’s new search engine (www.bing.com), went live in the U.S. this weekend, aiming to challenge and possibly unseat industry titan Google. But bloggers and Internet safety experts quickly discovered that one of Bing’s “features” is that it takes only a few clicks for anyone — of any age — to view explicit pornographic videos without even leaving the search engine. In its bid to beat Google, Microsoft has unveiled a slate of convenient features for Bing, including an “autoplay” tool that lets users preview videos simply by hovering a mouse over them. That asset may become a liability, because users can get a taste of porn videos on Bing instead of having to go to a smutty Web site — an innovation other search engines have yet to offer. Technology blogger Loic Le Meur noticed the issue early Monday after testing video search on Bing. What he found was a cornucopia of pornography that he said transformed the search engine into its very own pornographic Web site. “You are now on a porn site without leaving Bing. Amazing,” Le Meur wrote on his blog.

Geithner: No worries! Trust me ... er ... who's laughing? Everyone?

Geithner: No worries! Trust me ... er ... who's laughing? Everyone?

Reuters reported that U.S. Treasury Secretary Timothy Geithner on Monday reassured the Chinese government that its huge holdings of dollar assets are safe and reaffirmed his faith in a strong U.S. currency. A major goal of Geithner’s maiden visit to China as Treasury chief is to allay concerns that Washington’s bulging budget deficit and ultra-loose monetary policy will fan inflation, undermining both the dollar and U.S. bonds. “Chinese assets are very safe,” Geithner said in response to a question after a speech at Peking University, where he studied Chinese as a student in the 1980s. His answer drew loud laughter from his student audience, reflecting skepticism in China about the wisdom of a developing country accumulating a vast stockpile of foreign reserves instead of spending the money to raise living standards at home. China is the biggest foreign owner of U.S. Treasury bonds. U.S. data shows that it held $768 billion in Treasuries as of March, but some analysts believe China’s total U.S. dollar-denominated investments could be twice as high. The Beijing-based Global Times greeted Geithner by publishing a survey of Chinese economists who called big holdings of U.S. debt “risky.” Geithner also offered strong backing for a bigger Chinese role in international policymaking.

New anti-prison, or not, maybe ...

New anti-prison, or not, maybe ...

NBC Washington reported that a youth escaped Saturday from the New Beginnings Youth Center in Laurel, Md. — embarrassing the $45 million juvenile facility that just opened on Friday. The New Beginnings Youth Center in Laurel, Md., was described as an “anti-prison” in many of the warm and fuzzy stories written about it leading up to its opening on Friday. On Saturday the kid escaped by scaling a fence. It appears officials knew that fencing would be a problem, according to the Washington Post. The old Oak Hill facility had razor wire on its fence, but that wasn’t part of the new home. It turned out to be a bad move. A day before the facility opened, Schiraldi and David Muhammad, chief of committed services, said they had brought in young men to try to scale the fences and made modifications based on what they observed. Schiraldi said he planned to place prickly shrubbery, possibly rose bushes, near the fence so inmates would not be tempted to flee. Prickly shrubbery? Something tells us the kids in this facility have seen far worse in their lives than a little prickly shrubbery. So after Saturday’s escape, razor wire was added to the new facility’s fence. So much for the anti-prison.

Must be a mistake, no one can snort this!?

Must be a mistake, no one can snort this!?

In other news, Fox News reported Tuesday that two suitcases carried by a woman who was about to fly from Chile to Spain were virtually made of cocaine, police said. Detective Leandro Morales at the Santiago airport said the drug “was not hidden in the luggage. This time the suitcases were the drug.” The suitcases were made of a substance combining cocaine with resin and glass fiber, Morales told The Associated Press. A “chemical process” could be used to separate out the drug, Morales said, adding that the suitcases were heavier than their contents. The 26-year-old Argentine woman was arrested. No word on how the woman feels about the likelihood of U.S. inflation or mouse-over web porn, but I’ll bet  if she’s sent to lock-down, she’ll happily sign-up for the anti-prison prison.  Unless those prickly rose bushes make her nervous.

(C) 2009 InebriatedPress.com

Source articles:

Microsoft’s New Search Engine Puts Porn in Motion
http://www.foxnews.com/story/0,2933,524019,00.html

Chinese students laugh at Geithner’s assurances (about Dollar)
http://www.freerepublic.com/focus/news/2262284/posts

Inmate Escapes Day After “Anti-Prison” Opens
http://www.nbcwashington.com/news/local/So-Much-for-the-Anti-Prison.html

Chile Police Discover Suitcases Made of Cocaine
http://www.foxnews.com/story/0,2933,524537,00.html

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Filed under Humor, Imbibers' Choice

Two Shot at Anti-Violence Rally; Love, Noise and the Female Condom; and Romance Survives Shot to Chest

> Peace Rally Turns Violent, Two Injured in Shooting
> FDA Approves New Female Condom; this Version ‘Rustles Less’
> Prison Psychologist shoots Lover, Reconciles, No Charges Filed

Inebriated Press
May 20, 2009

Ah the sting of hot lead, how I've missed you

Ah the sting of hot lead, how I've missed you

KOCO News Oklahoma reported Monday that two people were arrested Sunday in Midwest City after a shooting during an anti-violence rally.  And the Washington Post reported Monday that the U.S. Food and Drug Administration (FDA) has approved a new female condom that is made of thinner polyurethane than earlier models, so it conducts body heat and sensation better — and rustles less. Meanwhile the North Carolina News and Observer reported Monday that a prison psychologist lost her job last month after shooting her lover in the chest with a .38-caliber Smith & Wesson revolver.  However, the couple has reconciled and no charges have been filed.  Some people say all’s fair in love and gun violence.

Someone named Sammi

Someone named Sammi

“There’s no point in getting excited about being blasted in the chest by your lover, or a few folks getting shot up during an anti-violence rally.  Love and violence go together like peace and war, or hope and change; they’re conceptual things that thrive on contrast and a few emotional outbursts that give meaning to life.  Who hasn’t longed for the warmth of true love, or the sting of a .38-caliber bullet piercing their breastplate,” said Sammi Sadist-Outthere, a part-time sex-worker and a pretty container of anti-wisdom in a world turned upside down.  “As far as the female condom goes, it’s a joke like most kinds of birth control.  What woman hasn’t wanted the experience of getting knocked up just to see how her body reacts?  After all you can just hack the kid out before it grows past the legal age limit where it’s a crime. As you can tell I’m kind of mercenary about this stuff but hey, it’s my body and my gun so it’s my right to do with either whatever I feel like.  Until you’ve had flaming STD’s and a serious gunshot wound plus a few other near-death experiences, you’ve never had the rush that makes being alive worthwhile.  People may call me psycho but the truth is I’m today’s new woman.  Hope and change baby, I’m leading the way forward.”

Someone named Nancy

Someone named Nancy

Not everyone lives with the reckless abandon that Sadist-Outthere does.  “Shootings at anti-violence rally’s? Attempted murder with a .38 caliber handgun is a relationship builder? Aborting kids for the experience? Holy shit, I thought we’d lost our minds when we elected an inexperienced community organizer as the U.S. president, but apparently we were only warming to the subject,” said Nancy Drew-Theline, a financial analyst whose work on risk management has affected her social outlook.  “We need an infusion of common sense before this country’s wheels come off altogether and we get sucked down the drain into social chaos.  Obama has us poised for more economic chaos by quadrupling government debt, and spending trillions of dollars to feel stimulated.  The economy has already started coming around on its own with only 6% of the stimulus spent.  A free market economy with low taxes and modest regulation will correct itself, we’ve got to wise up fast. As far as the female condom goes, it’s simply another tool to control the risk of pregnancy.  If it works for you, then use it.  Personally, I use it plus oral contraception and I make guys wear double condoms.  Why risk starting a life you don’t want when you can avoid it by taking precautions.  As far as STD’s go, don’t trade fluids and you don’t invite STD’s.  It’s probably my risk management work, but I pre-screen all my dates by taking them to the Quality of Life Group’s San Francisco STD Testing office on Mission Street.  If they don’t pass their tests, they don’t pass mine.  Maybe I’m an ethical hard ass and health nut, but my ass is healthy and it’s staying that way.”

Stop the violence rallyKOCO Oklahoma reported that two people were arrested Sunday after a shooting at an anti-violence rally in the town of Midwest, according to police. One person was shot in the torso and another was shot multiple times during the event at Regional Park. More than 1,200 people gathered for the event, geared toward encouraging teens to turn away from violence. Alfred Frazier, 17, and Sam ZayZay, 22, were arrested initially, police said. ZayZay has since been released pending further investigation. Frazier is accused of shooting with intent to kill. Investigators are talking to two other people possibly involved in the shooting. The names of the shooting victims have not been released. Police have not indicated whether the shooting is gang-related.

Female condom

Female condom

The Washington Post reported that The Female Health Company in Chicago has received FDA approval for their new female condom.  The new and improved condom, the FC2, an upgrade from the FC which still on the market, is made of thinner polyurethane than the earlier model, so it conducts body heat and sensation better — and rustles less. Company vice president Jack Weissman says that in the U.S., female condom use is important both for family-planning purposes and for protection against HIV/AIDS and other STDs. The company is working with family-planning and HIV/AIDS clinics throughout the country, brokering deals that allow clinics to dispense free female condoms just as they currently give out free male condoms. The company’s first product, the FC (for female condom), was launched in 1994 and landed like a lead balloon among consumers, who complained that it was too pricey, that its feel wasn’t conducive to satisfying sex and that, of all things, it made too much noise. That product’s still on the market, retailing for about $17 for a package of 5. The FC2 should be available by autumn.

Gun shot lovers. Sounds like a Country song

Gun shot lovers. Sounds like a Country song

The News & Observer reported that a prison psychologist lost her job last month after shooting her lover, a convicted felon recently released from the minimum-security facility where she worked. Kristel K. Rider shot Lamount K. Friend once in the chest on April 21 in front of his grandparents’ home near Clayton. He survived, though the .38-caliber bullet from her Smith & Wesson revolver barely missed his heart. And the two apparently have reconciled and no charges have been filed in the case. It is a felony for Correction employees to have sex with people in state custody, a crime punishable by up to 31 months in prison for each count. As Friend’s therapist, Rider appears to have violated several ethical rules through her relationship with the inmate, potentially imperiling her state license. Therapists are forbidden from having romantic relationships with those they treat because their position potentially gives them emotional power over the patient. Keith Acree, the spokesman for the state prison system, confirmed that Rider treated Friend at Neuse. However, he said the prison system could find no evidence that the two had sex while Friend was incarcerated. Friend’s court record contains more than 30 criminal convictions for transgressions such as robbery, illegal firearms possession and cocaine trafficking. Martha Storie, director of the N.C. Psychology Board, said that Rider has an active license. The board does not publicly disclose whether a complaint against a licensee has been made or whether an investigation is pending.

Paris: New Age Princess, or Di trying

Paris: New Age Princess, or Di trying

In other news, UK’s The Sun reported Tuesday that Paris Hilton says her scandalous life-style has prevented her from fulfilling her dream of being like Princess Diana. The heirhead socialite makes the claims in a new documentary on her life, which debuted at the Toronto International Film Festival last September and was shown in Cannes at the weekend. Hilton’s bad behavior includes her infamous sex tape with Rick Solomon, other leaked saucy videos and pictures, a charge for Driving Under the Influence (DUI) and a short spell behind bars. No word on why she hasn’t acted like Princess Di if that’s who she wanted to emulate, but in a world turned upside down, it’s the rush that’s more important than the risk — if you don’t plan on being around very long.  And that’s true whether you’re talking STD’s or the U.S. economy.  Manage your risk, or live fast and die hard.  You make the call.

(C) 2009 InebriatedPress.com 

Source articles:

2 Shot At Anti-Violence Rally In Midwest City
http://www.koco.com/cnn-news/19492478/detail.html

Romance born in prison survives shooting
http://www.newsobserver.com/news/story/1531664.html

Learning to Love the Female Condom
http://voices.washingtonpost.com/checkup/2009/05/learning_to_love_the_female_co.html

San Francisco STD Testing
http://www.sanfranciscostdtesting.com

Paris: Di hopes ruined by sex tape
http://www.thesun.co.uk/sol/homepage/showbiz/film/article2434734.ece?OTC-RSS&ATTR=Film

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Filed under Humor, Imbibers' Choice, IP News

Obamanomics takes a Hit, and Brain Scans Read Memories

> AIG bailout deal included bonuses; “oops” says Obama team
> Scientists find human memories in brain scans

Inebriated Press
March 19, 2009

090320-brain-scan-bwBloomberg news reported Wednesday that while the Obama administration has said they know where “every dime” of the bailout funds given to AIG was going, they now claim they had no idea that the deal included allowing bonuses to be paid from taxpayer dollars to AIG employees.  Meanwhile Fox News reported last week that neuroscientists say humans create memories of locations in physical or virtual space as they move around – and it all shows up on brain scans.  Pundits say hook up the brain scan machine and let’s find out whether the Obama administration or AIG is full of shit.

Someone named Patty

Someone named Patty

“It’s disingenuous of the Obama administration to claim they know nothing about the AIG bonuses when the bill to fund the bankrupt company included a provision that specifically allowed for the paying of bonuses, and AIG had contracts with employees that contain bonus provisions.  I mean, when you cut a deal to bail out a firm that should be in bankruptcy and say ‘keep doing what you do, you’re too big for us to let you fail’ and then they do it and you’re pissed off, it’s you that’s the idiot, not them,” said Patty Loveless-Heartthrobb, a smart refined medical technician, who dabbles in common sense just enough to keep her out of most personal relationships.  “I’ll bet if we hook up Treasury Secretary Timothy Geithner to the brain scan machine we’ll either learn that he knew all about the terms, or he doesn’t know shit at all.  I won’t suggest hooking up President Obama to it, he’s a community organizer with no governing or management experience so I’d expect his brain to be empty.”

Someone named Heather

Someone named Heather

Not everyone agrees with Loveless-Heartthrobb.  “When anybody is printing bail-out money night and day and shoveling it into badly run companies like water over Niagara Falls, you’ll slip up once in while, you have to expect that.  AIG should just break the contracts with the employees and ignore the provisions that allow them to pay bonuses and do whatever Obama dictates at any given time,” said Heather Ballistic-Gel, a leather importer whose hot looks cause full body spasms in men under five foot two.  “If AIG doesn’t do that, then we’ll pass a special law to selectively tax the employees of AIG who receive it.  You see rule of law no longer applies under Obamanomics and the use of tax as a weapon to coerce and intimidate is the management style of the new regime — I mean Administration.  Look, you’ve got to expect a little fascism to show up in a new socialist country, we’re still ironing out all the details.”

090320-missing-info-bwBloomberg reported that President Barack Obama’s attempt to harness public anger over bonuses paid by American International Group Inc. may backfire on him as Republicans try to redirect that anger toward his administration. “Two weeks ago, the president’s spokesman said they were confident that they knew how every dime was being spent at AIG,” House Republican Leader John Boehner of Ohio told reporters yesterday. “They didn’t know what they were talking about,” Boehner said.

Republican leaders in Congress said Geithner and White House officials should have been aware of the bonuses sooner and acted quicker. They’re also seizing on AIG’s revelations as fresh evidence that Congress should oppose future rescues. Lawmakers are already moving quickly to take the initiative in responding to the public outcry. Montana Democrat Max Baucus and Iowa Republican Charles Grassley, the leaders of the Senate Finance Committee, proposed taxes totaling 70 percent on companies and individuals getting bonuses at firms that receive federal aid.

SmartBrief reported that Columnist Andrew Ross Sorkin writes that while it may not seem fair to pay bonuses to American International Group (AIG) employees, not paying them may lead to bigger issues. Some compensation consultants say that breaking the sanctity of the contracts could lead to other contracts being broken.

090320-brain-toon-bwFox News reported that researchers tracked brain activity related to “spatial memory” as volunteers moved about inside a virtual reality setup.  They discovered that humans create memories of locations in physical or virtual space as they move around – and it all shows up on brain scans. The new study challenges previous scientific thinking by showing that memories are recorded in regular patterns.

The researchers used an fMRI scanner to detect blood flow changes in the brain, and study the activity of the place cells as a volunteer controlled movement inside the virtual environment. They then ran the results through a computer algorithm developed by Demis Hassabis, another neuroscientist at University College London.

Mind-reading research has grown increasingly sophisticated over the years. Another recent study predicted people’s preference for one of two drinks with 80 percent accuracy. And earlier findings showed that people’s brains reflect abnormal activity up to half a minute before making errors. The latest findings on memory could lead to many more studies that examine how actual memories end up encoded across our brain cells, Maguire said.

Some people say it would take a mind reader to know what American’s were thinking when they elected an inexperienced community organizer with no track record of running anything to the office of president of the United States.

090320_obama_hitler_bw“Obama was clear that he wanted to spread the wealth around and that he disagreed with most of the US Constitution, so we shouldn’t be surprised that he’s ‘changing America’ like he said he would,” said Tiny Tim, a short British guy who walks with a limp and often shouts ‘god bless us, everyone’ for reasons unknown.  “The fact that he’s now begun to ignore basic contract law and use coercion and intimidation through the threat of unfair taxation should be no surprise to anyone.  His voting record is to the left of Pelosi’s — when he wasn’t voting ‘present’ because he didn’t know shit or know which way to turn.  Look at him today.  He’s a smooth talker but he’s voting ‘present’ while his band of inmates run the asylum.  We got what we voted for.”

In other news, Australia’s News Limited reported this week that investigators have launched a probe into the “longer lasting sex” company, Advanced Medical Institute (AMI). Consumer Affairs Victoria and NSW’s Office of Fair Trading are both investigating AIM which sells erectile dysfunction drugs. A NSW Office of Fair Trading spokeswoman also issued a general warning for people to carefully read any contract – including the fine print – to ensure they “really want and know what they are signing for”. No word on whether the probe will discover who’s actually getting screwed if anyone, or if rule of law will continue to apply in Australia.  It’s clearly on the ropes in the U.S.A. and damned if fascism isn’t lining up behind it.

(C) 2009 InebriatedPress.com
Source articles:

Obama May Find Anger Over Bonuses Backfires on Agenda
http://www.bloomberg.com/apps/news?pid=20601070&sid=aZUxSgc2XvK0&refer=home

Voiding AIG bonus contracts is a slippery slope
http://www.smartbrief.com/news/cpa/storyDetails.jsp?issueid=986DD671-0A97-43A0-B8DC-FC5694159248&copyid=A82BD3F1-92AE-421E-AE1F-FBE24E53C891

Brain Scans Can Read Memories, Scientists Find
http://www.foxnews.com/story/0,2933,509141,00.html

Probe into ‘longer lasting sex’ company
http://www.news.com.au/business/story/0,27753,25201863-31037,00.html

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Filed under Division of Rant (with Pretzels), Humor, Imbibers' Choice

Iran Wants to Honor Martyred 9-11 Pilots in New York

Scientists hope to use stem cells from testes to repair Iranian leaders’ brain

Inebriated Press
September 21, 2007

Iran’s president Mahmoud Ahmadinejad asked to be permitted to visit New York’s 9-11 ground zero this week and lay a wreath there to honor the martyred Islamofascists who crashed their holy stolen planes into the towers.  Also this week, American researchers discovered a way to identify stem cells in testicles that can be turned into brain cells and used to repair brain damage.  The scientists are hoping to coax Ahmadinejad into letting them cut off his balls and use them to repair his twisted mind.  They figure that even if the brain repair doesn’t work, they’ll have eliminated the chance that he’ll procreate additional Islamofascists.  They say it’s a chance worth taking.  Not everyone agrees.

“The holy testes of our great leader should not be impugned by attempts to use them to fix his brain,” said Grand Âyatollâh Seyyed Ali Khamene’I throwing a bagel into the sewer and cursing it as an unholy Jewish bakery item.  “Besides, we need a leader with balls to enable us to destroy all Jews and infidels and to conquer and rule the world in the next few years, god willing.”

In October 2005 Ahmadinejad said Israel should be “wiped out from the map,” and in January 2006 he said that the Holocaust of the Jews was just a “myth”.  He went on to say, “We must believe in the fact that Islam is not confined to geographical borders … Islam is ready to rule the world.”  Some people would prefer not to live in Ahmadinejad’s world.

“I’d love to get this guy by the balls and do some scientific experimentation myself,” said Malcolm Hoenlein of the American Jewish Organization.  “I’d kind of like to put them in a vice and see if his brain starts to clear a bit.  It’s a worthy idea and I hope he’ll consider it.”

Scientists say that the stem cell collection involves removing a small piece of testicle – about the same amount used for a biopsy.  “We don’t need a lot of material,” says Dr. Marco Seandel, the lead author of a paper to be published today in the journal Nature.  “But in Ahmadinejad’s case, the more the better.”

The scientific team has been hunting for stem cells in testicles for more than a decade. Dr. Seandel says it seemed like an obvious place to look, but they kept getting sidetracked and looking for them in breasts instead.  “We did a lot of research in Playboy and Penthouse at first,” said Seandel.  “But it turned out there weren’t a lot of testes there.  Still the effort was worth it.”  He went on to say, “It turns out it’s pretty easy to find stem cells in guys testicles when you get to looking, but finding properly functioning brain cells in Islamofascists like Ahmadinejad is darn near impossible.  There’s lots of shit in there but not much actual brain activity.  That got us thinking that perhaps we could use the functioning stem cells in the testes to repair the non-performing brain cells. “

Kim Gandy, president of the National Organization for Women (NOW) said that men have been thinking with their balls instead of their brains for years.  “This stem cell in the testes thing and brain repair makes sense to me,” said Gandy, wiping a man off her ass and flushing him.  “Most guys have their brains in their pants and what’s in their head is nothing more than a linier processor that pipes visual images to their nuts.  Women have known this for years.  It’s about time science catches up.”

In other news, Hillary Clinton claims she has balls enough to be president and Republican leaders say she probably does have balls given her pursuit of an expensive health care plan that was killed in the 1990’s; but they prefer she use them somewhere other than the U.S. Government.  Still others say the balls Hillary has belonged to Bill and that after the infamous blue dress episode she began carrying them in her purse.

© 2007 InebriatedPress.com

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Filed under Humor, Imbibers' Choice, IP News

Sally Field and Britney Spears on Presidential Ticket

Moms will end war and bring peace to world

Inebriated Press
September 19, 2007

Sally Field and Britney Spears have announced that they are running for President and Vice President of the United States.  They represent a brand new political party called Independent Mom-Power In Some Semblance Engaged Directly (IM-PISSED).  Ralph Nader a former Independent presidential candidate welcomed the newcomers.  Nancy Pelosi, a Democrat from California, said she was unhappy with the women trying to cut in on her turf, and Republicans declined to comment.  In announcing her candidacy, Field’s cursed out all politicians and said they were non-mothering war mongers.

“Let’s face it. If mothers ruled the world, there would be no god-damned wars in the first place,” said Sally Field, actress and mother of two, Sunday night at the Emmy Awards.  “All politicians are weak kneed spineless bastards who won’t do the right thing.  The son’s of bitches.”

Media pundits say the Field-Spears combo could win office especially since Spears needs a new career and looks and acts “almost” like a regular mom.  “Spears pretty much destroyed what was left of her singing career at the MTV Award’s last week,” said blonde bombshell Laurie Dhue of Fox News, censoring only a couple of words she planned to say.  “Britney is looking for something to do.  After revelations by her bodyguard that she wanders around her house nude and on drugs in front of her two kids, she needs something to get her focus back.  This could do it.”  Not everyone thinks the platform is a good idea.

“It’s true that Sally Fields is pissed off at the current state of the world and I understand that,” said Speaker of the House Nancy Pelosi, biting the head off a Pomeranian nearby.  “But we’ve already got enough female politicians today and I don’t want any cutting in on my turf.  Outside of Hillary I’m the most prominent woman in the U.S. Government and I’m pretty pissed off myself.  We don’t need more pissed off female politicians just now.  Sally and Britney should go back to movies or moon rockets or whatever.”

The IM-PISSED Party promises to end all wars within fifteen minutes of taking office.  Reportedly Fields will initiate fiscal restraints on military spending essentially cutting all defense funds and making U.S. involvement in war or defense impossible.  Spears will engage all foreign governments in a global music video conference and through song and dance teach them that peace is better than war.  IM-PISSED says that once foreign governments see the action taken by these two mom’s it will cause all of them to stop fighting and initiate an era of global peace and “laidbackness”.

“I’m really pumped about this new opportunity to bring peace to the world,” said Britney, a singer and mother of two, at a press conference held at Jungle Jim Bobs BBQ Palace.  “I can’t solve my own problems but I’m going to solve the worlds and that’ll bring me a lot of inner peace and stuff.  I may even stop walking around the house without clothes on, and cut back on drugs.  That’s unless I can get a deal from the terrorists in Afghanistan.  I’ve heard they have cornered the talcum market and get it really cheap or something.”

In other news, Michael Jackson believes he would make a fine Secretary of State replacing Condoleezza Rice.  And Ronald Reagan is spinning in his grave at 10,000 RPM.

© 2007 InebriatedPress.com

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Google and Britney Partner on Space Launch

Strategy will take career to moon

Inebriated Press
September 17, 2007

Silicon Valley giant Google Inc. is teaming with Britney Spears on a commercial rocket launch to the moon funded with 30 million Google AdSense dollars.  Britney Spears’s dazed performance on the MTV Video Music Awards in Las Vegas made her comeback effort look out of sync.  But that’s all changed now that she and Google are going to the moon together.

Sporting a Google logo on her bare chest and wearing white shorts and a cowboy hat Spears talked about making changes and her new approach.  “It’s about launching my career anew and changing my zip code,” said the pop singer over a Jack Daniels at breakfast this morning.  “I read an article about zip codes affecting people’s weight so I’m going to the moon, losing weight and fixing a lot of other stuff that is wrong with my life.  Like, right after the launch I’m having some guys neuter K-Fed.  I’ve said the guy’s got no balls.  Well, when I’m back from the moon, my words will be statement of fact.”  Not everyone is sure the move is right for Britney or Google.

“Britney needs to face her problems and not run away from them,” said Doctor Phil a noted psychologist and a guy who wears shorts too small for him.  “I know that a University of Washington study found that property values and zip codes can affect obesity more than educational level.  But going to the moon on the Google deal won’t change the fact that Britney married a moron and had two kids with him.  And I have no clue what Google’s Sergey Brin is getting from this emotionally.” 

Spears doesn’t care what Doctor Phil thinks.  “I won’t listen to my own advisors, why would I listen to Phil,” asked Britney eating a small calf and washing it down with a can of Hershey’s syrup.  “I know what I can do and that’s go into space like Buzz Aldrin.  Come to think about it, I’m having kind of a buzz and I feel a bit spacey right now.  Shit I bet I’m half way there!  Look up, see, I’m waving!”

According to NASA the goals of Google and Spears mesh well.  Google’s plan is to land a privately funded robotic rover on the Moon that is capable of completing several mission objectives, like driving around and relaying video images back to Earth.  Britney’s first studio album in four years is scheduled for release on Nov. 13 and the music industry has wondered whether her career would recover.  NASA says the partnership puts Spears career back on track.

“Once Britney’s riding that dune buggy on the moon people will forget she wandered around onstage at the MTV Awards,” said NASA Administrator Michael Griffin sporting a tattoo of Spears’s left breast on his forehead.  “I still think she’s hot and once the world see’s her nude in the clear plastic space suit with the Google logo on her chest and spinning donuts with the space buggy, they’re going be after her CD’s like gangbusters.  I just wish she’d have come to NASA first.  What’s Brin got that I don’t have, except maybe a few mil.”

In other news, Osama bin Laden says he thinks Britney is “a real babe” and likes to imagine her naked but wearing a veil.  He also said that except for the lizards and biting flies that hiding under a rock for the last four years has been no big deal.

© 2007 InebriatedPress.com

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Bin Laden Announces U.S. Health Care Plan

Hopes to boost recruiting

Inebriated Press
September 7, 2007

Tired of hiding under a rock and receiving negative media exposure Osama Bin Laden has announced a new health care plan for Americans who sign up to become Islamofascist terrorists.  U.S. Democrats applauded the effort saying it’s about time that someone other than the Left care about the rising cost of health care.  Republicans oppose the plan saying that they think it might increase the threat of terrorism and slow Army recruitment efforts.  Bin Laden hopes the Republicans are right.

“I’ve grown tired of waiting for more attacks on the U.S. by Middle Eastern Islamofascist warriors that I’ve recruited and trained,” said Bin Laden swatting a lizard while peering out from under a stone in the Afghan mountains.  “Its time to step up recruitment of disenchanted Americans who lack quality health care at affordable prices.  I think I can get some traction with this and then ultimately introduce poison directly into hospitals and the U.S. healthcare system, god willing.”

Operatives at the CIA and FBI say they doubt many will sign up with Bin Laden in spite of the growing healthcare crisis in the country.  “We think he’s overreaching,” said CIA Agent Orange speaking Spanish through an interpreter.  “There are maybe a few gang bangers or dealers who’ll take him up on it because of his Afghan opium and other drug contacts and now his health care plan, but that’s about it.” 

The FBI is hopeful but less optimistic.  “The drug cartels from South America have a good supply network but they don’t offer health care,” said FBI Agent Retro Hoover an expert on drugs and cross dressing.  “This healthcare scheme can’t be dismissed out of hand.”

Republicans are considering a partnership with Argentine dictator Hugo Chavez to make health care programs available to American users through drug cartels based in South America, thereby creating competition for Bin Laden.  Democrats feel this is a bad approach and will only escalate an already troublesome situation.

“The Republicans are thinking of doing deals that provide druggies more health care from the pushers they currently use to offset new Bin Laden affiliated dealers,” said House Speaker Nancy Pelosi.  “How stupid is that?  What they should be doing is working to combine the new resources of Bin Laden and existing ones of Chavez and the Columbians to provide all Americans with affordable healthcare and less costly drugs of all kinds.  Instead of causing competitive chaos between drug dealing healthcare providers, we should be seeking unity and reconciliation.”

In other news, a PEW study reports that 98% of Americans will have difficulty differentiating between illegal drug dealing healthcare providers and legal drug dealing healthcare providers.   The study also said that most Americans believe lawmakers take dope and are dopes.

© 2007 InebriatedPress.com

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