Category Archives: Division of Rant (with Pretzels)

Miranda Rights for Terrorists, Pocket Knife Bans for Americans, and Men Reject Centerfolds for Miss Average

> Obama Administration Orders U.S. Miranda rights for Afghan Combatants
> Obama Administration’s New Rules would Ban Legal Pocketknives in U.S.
> Researchers say Men Prefer Regular Women over Playboy Models

Inebriated Press \ Division of Rant (with Pretzels)
June 15, 2009

Hope and Change Baby

Hope and Change Baby

The Weekly Standard reported Wednesday that the Obama Justice Department has ordered FBI agents to read Miranda rights to high value detainees captured and held at U.S. detention facilities in Afghanistan.  This means they get the same rights as an American arrested for speeding on a U.S. street, and can have a government attorney defend them if they want one.  And WorldNetDaily reported Tuesday that the U.S. Customs and Border Protection Agency is proposing a new definition that could be used to eliminate 8 of 10 legal pocketknives in the United States.  Meanwhile, the Herald Sun reported Friday that researchers have found that men think real women come closest to the ideal body shape rather than the figures of Playboy centerfolds.  Pundits debate why Obama is giving terrorists rights and taking them away from Americans, while men at Inebriated Press exercise their right to hook up with the girls-next door.

Average Jane for Average Joe

Average Jane for Average Joe

“I like my women silicon-free, smart and nice and not so into themselves that they think they have to look like a Playboy chick or act like Paris Hilton in order to get a date.  I also like my pocketknives long and easy to open, and terrorists who try to kill Americans put on a waterboard if it’ll help our cause.  Okay so I’m not cut from the same cloth Obama or Hugh Hefner is — I’m actually happy about that,” said Joe Shmo-Studd, a commodities trader and part-time bouncer down at Susie’s Regular Girl and Regular Guy Beer Emporium.  “Obama said he loved America and wanted to change it, and by damn he’s changing it alright.  I wonder what he loved about it?  Obviously it’s not the individual freedom and opportunity provided to regular Americans.  He’s taking away our freedoms, giving unjustified rights to terrorists, and mortgaging several generations’ futures by spending money we don’t have.  I’m praying that the Republican Party get’s it’s shit together and behaves like Reagan did, and can take Congress back next year.  I like regular women, regular knives and common sense that favor Americans in combat.  It’s not complicated.  It shouldn’t be complicated.  Liberal philosophy that hurts Americans and helps its enemy’s is bullshit.  Obama really believes the anti-American crap his pals Bill Ayers and Rev. Jeremiah Wright were dishing out.  The proof’s in his actions.  They speak way louder than his words.”

Can't compete with Average

Can't compete with Average

Not everyone agrees with Shmo-Studd.  “Barack Obama is doing what’s right by leveling the playing field in the world and making the globe a better, fairer and more equitable place.  Soon America’s economy will be at a third world country level and it’ll be ruled by an old-school Latin American styled dictatorship.  This is outstanding,” said some anti-American asshole recently appointed to the Obama Justice Department — or maybe it was a new Supreme Court Justice, I forget, they all act the same.  “As someone a lot like a left-wing Latino woman I’d explain how this benefits all Americans, but you’re probably just some white guy, or know of one, so you couldn’t understand because you lack the intellectual capacity derived from the experience I have of just being me.  You poor dumb bastard.  You probably think individual freedom, personal responsibility and the U.S. Constitution are useful.  You’re way behind the eight ball.  Not even close.  I’d pity you but we liberal intellectuals don’t really give a shit about anyone but ourselves.  At least the enlightened ones don’t.”

Beheading in War like binge drinking in Kansas

Beheading in War like binge drinking in Kansas

The Weekly Standard reported that the Obama Justice Department has quietly ordered FBI agents to read Miranda rights to high value detainees captured and held at U.S. detention facilities in Afghanistan, according to a senior Republican on the House Intelligence Committee. “The administration has decided to change the focus to law enforcement. Here’s the problem. You have foreign fighters who are targeting US troops today — foreign fighters who go to another country to kill Americans. We capture them and they’re reading them their rights — Mirandizing these foreign fighters,” says Representative Mike Rogers, who recently met with military, intelligence and law enforcement officials on a fact-finding trip to Afghanistan. The FBI and Justice Department plan to significantly expand their role in global counter-terrorism operations, part of a U.S. policy shift that will replace a CIA-dominated system of clandestine detentions and interrogations with one built around transparent investigations and prosecutions.

Obama montageAmericans are familiar with the Miranda warning — so named because of the landmark 1966 Supreme Court case Miranda v. Arizona that required police officers and other law enforcement officials to advise suspected criminals of their rights: “You have the right to remain silent. Anything you say can and will be used against you in a court of law. You have the right to speak to an attorney, and to have an attorney present during any questioning. If you cannot afford a lawyer, one will be provided for you at government expense.” Republicans on Capitol Hill are not happy. “When they mirandize a suspect, the first thing they do is warn them that they have the ‘right to remain silent,'” says Representative Pete Hoekstra, the ranking Republican on the House Intelligence Committee. “It would seem the last thing we want is Khalid Sheikh Mohammed or any other al-Qaeda terrorist to remain silent. Our focus should be on preventing the next attack, not giving radical jihadists a new tactic to resist interrogation–lawyering up.”

Banned for your protection

Banned for your protection

WorldNet Daily reported that the U.S. Customs and Border Protection Agency is proposing a new definition that could be used to eliminate 8 of 10 legal pocketknives in the United States right now, according to activists who are gearing up to fight the plan. The federal bureaucracy is accepting comments – written only – that must be received by June 21 before its planned changes could become final, and Doug Ritter of KnifeRights.org, said the implications of the decision would be far-reaching, since many state and federal agencies depend on the agency’s definitions to determine what is legal in the United States. Ritter said the effect of the proposed change would be that the new design in knives, many of which contain a tiny spring to help the user pull open the blade and lock it into position, would be classified alongside those true weapons where the user just presses a button and the blade is ejected. “They are saying that any knife that you can open quickly or any knife that you can open with one hand is therefore a switchblade,” Ritter told WND. Ritter suggested that up to 80 percent of the pocketknives sold in America today either are one-handed opening knives or so-called assisted opening knives – and they all suddenly would be classified as illegal switchblades.

Regular gals kick Playboy's ass; no wonder Playboy's broke

Regular gals kick Playboy's ass; no wonder Playboy's broke

The Herald Sun reported that far from idolizing slender models, it seems gentlemen actually prefer Miss Average. It turns out that while women turn to plastic surgery or fad diets to get the “perfect” body of supermodels and centerfolds, men find the girl next door more appealing. Most attractive of all is Miss Average who stands at 163cm, with a 76cm waist and 102cm hips, a study found. Researchers asked 100 male students to rate the attractiveness of more than 200 drawings of female torsos of different sizes. They then compared those considered most attractive with the vital statistics of eight groups, including models, Playboy centerfolds and typical members of the population. The real women came closest to the ideal body shape identified in the first part of the study. And the most appealing measured equivalent to a size 14. Curvy women were also judged more appealing than either athletic types or long-legged, big-chested “Barbies”.

Drunk babes prep for Miranda rights

Drunk babes prep for Miranda rights

In other news, Metro reported Thursday that binge drinking used to affect men more frequently but now women are downing nearly as much alcohol. More than two-fifths of all 16 to 24-year-old women questioned in a study admitted going over recommended booze limits at least one day a week. “As a result, the number of young women drinking more than the recommended daily limit has now reached a similar level to that of young men,” according to the Office of National Statistics. No word on whether women who binge drink like pocketknives or if they prefer looking like the girl-next-door, but if they’re driving home drunk you can bet they know all about Miranda rights.  Or will real soon.

(C) 2009 InebriatedPress.com

Source articles:

Not Right
The Obama administration grants Miranda rights to detainees in Afghanistan.
http://www.weeklystandard.com/Content/Public/Articles/000/000/016/605iidws.asp

Obama move would eliminate 8 of 10 pocketknives
‘If this were to pass and you cross the state line with one, it’s a felony’
http://wnd.com/index.php?fa=PAGE.view&pageId=100679

Men reject centerfolds for Miss Average
Far from idolizing slender models, it seems gentlemen actually prefer Miss Average.
http://www.news.com.au/story/0,27574,25623858-36398,00.html

Female binge drinkers matching men
Binge drinking used to affect men more frequently but now women are downing nearly as much alcohol.
http://www.metro.co.uk/news/article.html?Female_binge_drinkers_matching_men&in_article_id=683888&in_page_id=34

Comments Off on Miranda Rights for Terrorists, Pocket Knife Bans for Americans, and Men Reject Centerfolds for Miss Average

Filed under Division of Rant (with Pretzels), Humor, IP News

Track People in Real-Time for Just $10 a Month, Make a Robber your Sex-Slave, and Stone Women Who Disagree with Your Right to Rape Them

> New GPS service tracks people for you, reminds them you’re watching
> Thief caught in business, fed Viagra, made a sex-slave
> Afghan women protest legalized rape, get pelted with stones

Inebriated Press
April 17, 2009

Big brotherCNet News reported Wednesday that AT&T is offering a new service that allows people to track the location of any cell phone on AT&T’s network from a mobile phone or PC.  And Russia Today reported Tuesday that a hairdresser from the Russian town of Meshchovsk subdued a man who tried to rob her shop, then fed him Viagra and raped him for three days in the utility room.  Meanwhile, MSNBC reported Wednesday that a group of some 1,000 Afghans swarmed a demonstration of 300 women protesting against a law legalizing marital rape, and threw stones at them while chanting “Death to the slaves of the Christians!”.  Inebriated reporters busily GPS-tracking former boy-friends and contemplating turning them into sex-slaves, paused long enough to say that if raping women is legal, then raping men is legal.

Someone named Amanda

Someone named Amanda

“First let me say that I abhor any kind of rape by anyone of anyone under any circumstance, and the notion that it’s okay at all is immoral, unethical and abuse in the highest degree.  That said, if raping women is legalized then so is raping men, particularly those who support the Afghan law, and I will act within the rules of equitable legislation if I want to, and guarantee it will be less fun than these bastards think it will be,” said Amanda Stone-Sharpp, a part-time writer and full-time baker at the Cup Cake and Full Metal Jacket Ammo Store.  “Rape inside or outside of marriage is equally wrong because it violates the individual, the person we are, the distinct human being that declares ‘I am’, and it takes from them the dignity that all human beings deserve.  It makes a person a non-person by declaring their own body and it’s internal functions are someone else’s to do with as they please, whenever they please.  I share my body with those I decide to share it with, and on my terms.  Anyone who violates that, deserves to die.  Let me clarify that in case you didn’t understand: anyone who rapes me, dies.  I will kill them myself if need be.  Capeshe?”

Someone named Himmler, with date

Someone named Himmler, with date

Not everyone agrees with Stone-Sharpp.  “I don’t need any moral clap-trap about what is ‘right’ or ‘wrong’ about rape, murder or anything else I feel like doing.  If I am able to create a rule that says I can legally rape you, or tax your money and redistribute it, or lock you up as a subversive because you’re against abortion or believe in god, then it becomes my right,” said Acmed Himmler, an Arab Nazi with a predisposition toward social efficiency driven by personal power and a desire to kill anyone he disagrees with, for societies greater good.  “There are no moral imperatives, it’s all about power.  Nature has no ethics and Darwinism supported by Atheism makes man the center of the universe and whatever we decide is law.  The strong survive and the weak perish.  Raping indiscriminately, or killing Jews at our pleasure, is legal if we say so.  I will not be held to any set of ethics as though some ‘god’ is behind it that I have to answer to.  Moralists are a waste of time.  Naturally occurring chaos subjected to those who wield raw power is all that counts.  The future is mine.  I’m the new wave of old school baby.”

AT&T Tracking Service

AT&T Tracking Service

CNet News reported that AT&T is offering a new service that allows parents–or potentially jealous spouses/boyfriends/girlfriends–to track loved ones using their phones. AT&T’s service, called FamilyMaps, allows people to track the location of any cell phone on AT&T’s network from a mobile phone or PC. The person being tracked receives a text message informing him or her that he or she is being watched. Users can either track someone in real time by viewing the location on a map or they can set up the service to send them text message alerts or e-mails with location information. For example, a parent may get an alert each day that his child made it home from school. Or perhaps a jealous girlfriend looking to keep tabs on her boyfriend could set up the service to notify her if her boyfriend happens to wander into a bar or over to his ex-girlfriend’s apartment after work. The service uses satellite GPS technology and cell tower triangulation to pin-point the location of the phone. The service is not supported on prepaid or AT&T Go Phones. And the service costs $9.99 for two phones and $14.99 for up to five phones.

Bad ass Olga

Bad ass Olga

Russia Today reported that a hairdresser from the small Russian town of Meshchovsk has subdued a man who tried to rob her shop, and then raped him for three days in the utility room. The incident occurred on Saturday, March 14. The working day was coming to an end at a small hairdressers, when a man armed with a gun rushed in and demanded the day’s earnings. The frightened employees and customers agreed to fulfill his demand, but when the shop’s owner, 28-year-old Olga, was handing the money to the robber, she suddenly knocked him down on the floor and then tied him up with a hairdryer cord. The 32-year-old Viktor couldn’t have known that the woman was a yellow belt in karate.

Power of Viagra

Power of Viagra

Olga locked the unlucky robber in the utility room and told her colleagues that she was going to call the police – but didn’t do so. When everybody left for home, she approached the man and ordered him to ‘take of his underpants’ threatening to hand him over to the police if he refuses to cooperate. After that Olga raped her hostage for three straight days. She chained Viktor to a radiator with pink furry handcuffs and fed him Viagra. She eventually let the man go on Monday, March 16, saying: “Get out of my sight!” Viktor went straight to hospital as his genitals were injured, and then to the police. Olga was resentful when she was taken by the police. “What a bastard,” the woman said about Viktor. “Yes, we had sex a couple of times.” Both Olga and Viktor may now face prison terms. The woman could be convicted of rape, while the man of robbery.

Afghan protest

Afghan protest

MSNBC reported that a group of some 1,000 Afghans swarmed a demonstration of 300 women protesting against a new marriage law on Wednesday. The women were pelted with stones as police struggled to keep the two groups apart. The law, passed last month, says a husband can demand sex with his wife every four days unless she is ill or would be harmed by intercourse — a clause that critics say legalizes marital rape. It also regulates when and for what reasons a wife may leave her home alone.  Women’s rights activists scheduled a protest Wednesday attended by mostly young women. But the group was swamped by counter-protesters — both men and women — who shouted down the women’s chants. Some picked up gravel and stones and threw them at the women, while others shouted “Death to the slaves of the Christians!” Female police held hands around the group in an attempt to create a protective barrier, but did not arrest the people throwing stones. 

If the law says it's okay, it must be okay

If the law says it's okay, it must be okay

Fourteen-year-old Masuma Hasani said her whole family had come out to protest the law — both her parents and her younger sister who she held by the arm. “I am concerned about my future with this law,” she said. “We want our rights. We don’t want women to just be used.” As the back-and-forth continued, another demonstration of Shiite women who said they support the law began. “We don’t want foreigners interfering in our lives. They are the enemy of Afghanistan,” said 24-year-old Mariam Sajadi. Sajadi is engaged, and said she plans to ask her husband’s permission to leave the house as put forth in the law. She said other controversial articles — such as one giving the husband the right to demand sex from his wife every fourth day — have been misinterpreted by Westerners who are anti-Islam.

Oops, you're knocked up

Oops, you're knocked up

In other news, Sweden’s The Local reported Wednesday that a young Swedish couple found to their amazement that they were expecting a baby – despite the fact that the girl had a contraceptive implant. When the implant was removed the mystery became clear – she had been given a dummy model. Jessica Lindberg, who lives in Gothenburg, was only 16-years-old when she became pregnant. Both the National Board of Health and Welfare (Socialstyrelsen) and the public health disciplinary board (Hälsö- och sjukvårdens ansvarsnämnd – HSAN) have reviewed the case, but neither has managed to develop an explanation. The young couple are now the parents of a two-year-old boy. The couple’s insurance company has rejected their claim for compensation arguing that “no one has been hurt”. No word on whether the company considers men or women rape victims as being hurt, but that’s just because ethics are mere concepts and laws are actually subjective until raw power sorts them out.

(C) 2009 InebriatedPress.com

Source articles:

AT&T launches family-tracking service
http://news.cnet.com/8301-1035_3-10219786-94.html?tag=newsEditorsPicksArea.0

Hairdresser turns robber into sex-slave
http://russiatoday.ru/Top_News/2009-04-14/Hairdresser_turns_robber_into_sex-slave.html?fullstory

Violence flares at protest over Afghan sex law
http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/30223599/

Swedish teen pregnant after implant mix-up
http://www.thelocal.se/18864.html

Comments Off on Track People in Real-Time for Just $10 a Month, Make a Robber your Sex-Slave, and Stone Women Who Disagree with Your Right to Rape Them

Filed under Division of Rant (with Pretzels), Humor

Cleared to Orgasm before 11pm, Legalizing Illegal Immigrants, and the Swedish Child Porn Library

> Standards Authority OKs Orgasms on Early Evening TV
> Obama to Legalize 12 million Illegal Aliens
> Swedish National Library Reported for Child Porn
.
Inebriated Press
April 10, 2009

Orgasm before 11pmThe UK Telegraph reported Wednesday that a ruling by the Advertising Standards Authority says it’s okay if women orgasm on television before 11pm, or at least appear to do so.  And the New York times reported Wednesday that U.S. president Obama will initiate a plan to make legal status possible for an estimated 12 million illegal immigrants.  Meanwhile, The Local reported Monday that Swedish child protection groups are attempting to stop the distribution of the National Library’s collection of child pornography.  The library holds large quantities of pornography, featuring children as young as 10-years-old. Inebriated reporters, stumbling around half naked behind a local strip club, have come in out of the rain long enough to debate why some people are bothered by any of this news. 

Someone named Sandy

Someone named Sandy

“Since all ethics are subjective and arbitrary, people who argue on behalf of common sense saying that child porn is wrong, or that illegal immigration is against the law, or that sex on TV during childrens viewing hours is bad somehow, are all confused and irrelavant.  They say there’s some value to social stability, and that child abuse is bad,” said Sandy Twisted-Deviant, a pretend reporter of no repute, who hopes the decision by the Standards Authority will somehow result in her having an instant orgasm each evening at 10pm.  “Rule of law is an old-fashioned standard foised upon humankind by hard ass old timers who held the silly idea that individual human beings had value that should be protected, and that individual rights were ‘bestowed on them by their creator, and that among those rights were life, liberty and the pursuit of happiness’.  It’s a bunch of clap-trap.  The State gives rights and decides how to value them.  The idea that an indivdual human life has any value went away when we decided to kill unborn kids, and that happened centries ago.  Silly reform type people are clinging to irrational logic.  There are no rules.  Chaos is natural and should be embrased.  Based on his policy initiatives, Barack Obama understands this.  The old America is gone baby.  And good ridance.”

Someone named Nancy

Someone named Nancy

Not everyone agrees with Twisted-Deviant.  “Sex on TV during kids viewing hours, legalizing law breakers, and State sanctioned child porn distribution systems, demonstrate a decline of civil society into a morase of relativism and arbitrary ethics.  It’s like a black hole sucking away truth, justice, freedom, love and beauty — all the things that make humanity different from the animals,” said Nancy Happi-Halo, a conservative social activist disguised as a hot blonde nuclear physicst.  “The concept of rights derived from god and endowed upon human beings makes taking it away wrong, and defending it a core principle of both religion and human duty.  Lacking that, Twisted-Deviant has a point, human ethics are whatever we make up.  The founders of the United States understood that, having lived in Europe and under the changing ethics of whatever king was in charge at the time.  I know that interpretation of god’s will is the reason hundreds, maybe thousands of religions have all popped up and are fought over.  Yet within each of them is the kernal of ‘fairness’.  And its the key, unless it’s perverted in an attempt to oppress some sex, or person, or group.  I’ve concluded that being a ‘god and guns’ person, like the original American founders, gives me the best shot at living in a country with real freedoms, rights and economic opportunity and stability.”

Daylight OrgasmThe Telegraph reported that the Advertising Standards Authority cleared an advert promoting orgasm enhancing gel. It was given a post-11pm restriction by the TV ad clearance body Clearcast, but ran on Channel 4 at 10.05pm, prompting a complaint to the ASA that it was “offensive and overly graphic”. The advert for Durex Play O Orgasmic Gel featured a montage of silent clips of women who appeared to express sexual ecstasy set to an excerpt from Mozart’s “Magic Flute”. A female voice-over stated “Feel like never before. New Durex Play O. Pleasure enhancing gel for women. Durex Play, all you need.” The ASA said that despite the ad being run earlier than Clearcast’s scheduling advice it considered the TV ad was “unlikely to cause offence to viewers”. The decision comes just over a week after the ASA recommended that the whole system be liberalised to allow pre-watershed adverts for condoms and abortions.

Obama gets illegal's backing

Obama gets illegal's backing

The New York Times reported that President Obama plans to begin addressing the country’s immigration system this year, including a plan to make legal status possible for an estimated 12 million illegal immigrants. Mr. Obama will frame the new effort — likely to rouse passions on all sides of the highly divisive issue — as “policy reform that controls immigration and makes it an orderly system,” said the official, Cecilia Muñoz, deputy assistant to the president and director of intergovernmental affairs in the White House. Mr. Obama plans to speak publicly about the issue in May, administration officials said, and over the summer he will convene working groups, including lawmakers from both parties and a range of immigration groups, to begin discussing possible legislation for as early as this fall. In broad outlines, officials said, the Obama administration favors legislation that would bring illegal immigrants into the legal system by recognizing that they violated the law, and imposing fines and other penalties to fit the offense. Anticipating opposition, Mr. Obama has sought to shift some of the political burden to advocates for immigrants, by encouraging them to build support among voters for when his proposal goes to Congress. Administration officials emphasized that many details remained to be debated.

Swede Child Porn Library

Swede Child Porn Library

The Local reported that the Swedish national library will be reported to the police for the possession and distribution of child pornography by two Swedish child protection groups, Hand i Hand (literally: hand in hand) and the Föreningen Anhöriga Till Sexuellt Utnyttjade Barn (ATSUB – The Association of Relatives to Sexually-abused Children). Birgitta Holmberg at ATSUB told The Local on Monday that the purpose of the police report is two-fold. Firstly to put a stop to the distribution of the National Library’s collection of child pornography, and secondly to expose how much of the library’s collection has been copied. The existence of the National Library’s collection of child pornography emerged after a visit by the writer Valentin Bart in November 2008. Not only does the library hold large quantities of pornography, featuring children as young as 10-years-old, but access to the material was straightforward, and easy to get and copy. “We want strict licensing and control of researchers,” Holmberg said.

Hire me baby, I'm new and improved

Hire me baby, I'm new and improved

In other news, Reuters reported Wednesday that when the going gets tough, some of the tough get going to the plastic surgeon’s office. Some surgeons and patients are now citing increased interest in surgery among people wanting to look younger and “fresher” for the ever-competitive job market. The American Society of Plastic Surgeons released a recent survey showing that American women were looking at cosmetic surgery to get a competitive edge in the workplace. About 13 percent of the 756 women surveyed, between the ages of 18 and 64, say they would consider having a cosmetic medical procedure to make them more confident and more competitive in the job market. Manhattan plastic surgeon Stephen Greenberg saw an opportunity in this growing trend and recently began promoting a “Job Fighter Package” for men and women.

“We’ve probably done no less than 50 to 60 tune-ups since launching the package about five months ago,” Greenberg said, noting that not all the “tuneups” have involved surgeries, but also less costly and invasive procedures like cosmetic injectables. No word on the doc’s feel about TV orgasms, State sanctioned library child porn distribution or legalizing illegal immigrants, but if it allows them to create a “child porn fighter” package, or “free the illegals” package, and gets them an orgasm before 11pm, you can bet they’ll be big-time supporters.  Let chaos rein.

(C) 2009 InebriatedPress.com

Source articles:

Women may orgasm on television before 11pm
http://www.telegraph.co.uk/culture/tvandradio/5124704/Women-may-orgasm-on-television-before-11pm.html

Obama to Push Immigration Bill as One Priority
http://www.nytimes.com/2009/04/09/us/politics/09immig.html

Swedish national library reported for child porn
http://www.thelocal.se/18704/20090406/

Plastic surgery is latest accessory for job seekers
http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/30112465/

Comments Off on Cleared to Orgasm before 11pm, Legalizing Illegal Immigrants, and the Swedish Child Porn Library

Filed under Division of Rant (with Pretzels), Humor

White House Sex Chat Line, Assisted Suicide for the Healthy, and New Legalized Rape Law

> Journalists calling in for Obama conference get sex chat line
> Swiss clinic to help healthy woman kill herself
> Afghan President establishes law sanctioning marital rape

Inebriated Press \ Division of Rant (with Pretzels)
April 6, 2009

Miss Sex Chat & Miss Legal Rape

Miss Sex Chat & Miss Legal Rape

Agence France Presse (AFP) reported last Thursday that journalists in the U.S. calling a toll-free number to join a conference call with President Obama in London, instead had their call answered with the line “Do you feel like getting nasty?” — as a sultry voiced Swank magazine sex-chat woman picked up their call.  And Times Online reported last Friday that the Swiss assisted-suicide clinic Dignitas was criticized after revealing plans to help a healthy woman to die. The clinic’s founder described suicide as a “marvelous opportunity” that should not be restricted to the terminally ill.  Meanwhile, Afghan President Karzai provoked international outrage with a draconian Taleban-era law that explicitly sanctions marital rape.  Pundits are debating whether the White House sex chat line can offset the trillions in new Obamanomic spending enough that they’ll want to remain in the country, or if they should just rape their wives and commit suicide instead.

White House Operator

White House Operator

“I have to hand it to Obama, I’d never have thought of putting a sex chat line in the White House.  He’s one-upping Clinton who used to rent out the Lincoln Bedroom for orgies.  If Obama instructs the travel office to offer a package to the public with sex-chat followed by a hooker-rendezvous in the Lincoln Bedroom, I’ll bet he can rake in a lot of bucks and offset part of the $12 trillion in spending that he’s initiated in the last 60 days,” said Zack Loft-Basement, a chief-of-staff wanna-be and occasional user.  “But if Obama doesn’t get spending under control and give some tax relief to business in order to truly stimulate the economy, we’re going to end up with hyper inflation and draconian taxation.  My wife will get really frigid I’ll be left to rape her and kill myself — all according to acceptable laws of course — but still, it’d be a real bother.”

Someone named Cathy

Someone named Cathy

Not everyone thinks the way Loft-Basement does.  “I have mixed feelings about the White House sex chat line, just like I did the Condi Rice nude calendar to help fund the State Department, and Bill Clinton selling nude pic’s of Hillary to fund her run for president.  It just seems like maybe we’re going too far and should just cut some costs or something,” said Cathy Scot-Ireland-Tissue, a genius in her own mind and a sex tramp in the minds of others.  “And anyone who condones raping women for any reason should be assigned to an assisted-suicide clinic and be removed from the land of the living.  I do have to wonder about the clinic that plans to help healthy people kill themselves though.  Do you suppose they’ve considered maybe recommending some mental health counseling instead?  I don’t like to be on anti-depressant drugs either, but it seems a bit drastic to just off yourself.”

AFP reported that journalists based in the United States got a shock last Thursday when they dialed a toll-free number to join a conference call with senior officials accompanying US President Barack Obama in London. The number turned out to be a sex chat line inviting callers to use their credit card numbers. “Do you have any hidden desires?” a sultry voiced woman asked. “Well, do you feel like getting nasty? Then you came to the right place — brought to you by the girls of Swank magazine,” she said. Reporters finally got through to the two officials in London — National Security Advisor James Jones and Secretary of State Hillary Clinton — when they gave up on the US “800” number and instead dialed an international number. The White House did not offer an explanation when asked how it sent the wrong number in an email listing both numbers — one for journalists in the United States and the other for those overseas.

Purveyor of Death

Purveyor of Death

Times Online reported that the founder of the Swiss assisted suicide clinic Dignitas was criticized yesterday after revealing plans to help a healthy woman to die alongside her terminally ill husband. Ludwig Minelli described suicide as a “marvelous opportunity” that should not be restricted to the terminally ill or people with severe disabilities. Critics said that the plans highlighted the risks of proposals to legalize assisted suicides in Britain for people in the final stages of a terminal illness.

The Zurich University Clinic has found that more than a fifth of people who had died at Dignitas did not have a terminal condition. Mr Minelli admitted that some of the people who had been helped to die at the clinic had been psychiatric patients with schizophrenia and bipolar disorders. A spokesman for Care Not Killing, a campaign opposed to any weakening of the law on euthanasia or assisted suicide, said that Mr Minelli’s comments showed why any legalization of assisted dying would open a “Pandora’s box of nightmare scenarios”.

Sweet rapable girl

Sweet rapable girl

Times Online also reported that President Karzai of Afghanistan provoked international outrage last Thursday with draconian Taleban-era restrictions on women and laws that explicitly sanction marital rape. A leaked copy of the laws obtained by The Times details new strictures for Afghanistan’s Shia minority. Women are banned from leaving the home without permission. A wife has the absolute duty to provide sexual services to her husband, and child marriage is legalized. Opponents of the Afghan President accused him of selling out basic human rights for women in return for the votes of hardline Shia conservatives for the presidential election in August. The legislation is based on the Shia family code first brought before Parliament two years ago, to the horror of women legislators who make up more than a quarter of the assembly. Women MPs said that they had been powerless to challenge the passage of the Bill. “The majority of the men agreed to support the laws without any discussion,” said Azita Raffat, an MP from Badghis province. “The law says it is the right of men to have sex — even by force.”

Pioneer

Pioneer

Some people say that the new law which sanctions forced marriage of young girls and their subsequent rape accurately suits Darwinistic tendencies of nature and that confused moralists and Judeo-Christians have a twisted view of humankind that makes them think that all individuals should have rights and be afforded a modicum of dignity.

Assisted Suicide Toon“The strong survive and the weak perish.  Draconian rape and child marriage law, and Sharia law, these stem from religion and atheistic Darwinism and combine to form a perfect synergy of relativistic power-based control, as natural as the tsunami, the hurricane, and swarms of locusts,” said I.B. Humpin-Daley, a part time cleric and full time vagrant who likes Obama’s style and lack of substance.  “The pansy assed American religious types who say shit like ‘everyone is created equal and are endowed by their creator with inalienable rights like life, liberty and the pursuit of happiness’ are morons.  Their time has passed.  Obama has proven it by his approach to the leaders at the G-20.  He patted the Brit Queen on the ass and handed her an iPod, then went and bowed deeply and kissed the ring of the Saudi King.  He’s got this shit figured out. Muslim power and Sharia law are coming to America in the form of hope and change.  It’s about power baby, power.  And America is surrendering it to everybody else.  Why else would Hillary tell the Mexicans that their drug war was Americas problem, or Obama tell the G-20 that the worlds economic crisis was Americas fault?  He didn’t sit for 20 years with Jeremiah Wright’s anti-American diatribes and learn nothing you know.  Damn straight.  He’s acting on his beliefs.”

USA Sharia Law Pioneer

USA Sharia Law Pioneer

In other news, the New York Post reported on Thursday that President Obama has nominated Harold Koh to be the State Department’s legal advisor.  Koh believes that judges should interpret the U.S. Constitution according to other nations’ legal “norms.” And that Sharia law applies to disputes in US courts. He also says that the United States constitutes an “axis of disobedience” along with North Korea and Saddam-era Iraq. According to the Post Koh, a self-described “activist,” would plainly promote his views aggressively once at State. He’s not likely to feel limited by the letter of the law — in 1994, he told The New Republic: “I’d rather have [former Supreme Court Justice Harry] Blackmun, who uses the wrong reasoning in Roe [v. Wade] to get the right results, and let other people figure out the right reasoning.” No word on how he feels about raping young girls or killing healthy people but in this new era of hope and change, all bets are off.

(C) 2009 InebriatedPress.com

Source articles:

Journalists get shock with ‘sexy’ White House call
http://news.yahoo.com/s/afp/20090402/od_afp/uswhousenatomediasexoffbeat_20090402223328

Dignitas founder plans assisted suicide of healthy woman
http://www.timesonline.co.uk/tol/news/world/europe/article6021947.ece

President Karzai’s Taleban-style laws for women put troop surge at risk
http://www.timesonline.co.uk/tol/news/world/asia/article6025362.ece

OBAMA’S MOST PERILOUS LEGAL PICK
http://www.nypost.com/seven/03302009/postopinion/opedcolumnists/obamas_most_perilous_legal_pick_161961.htm?page=0

Comments Off on White House Sex Chat Line, Assisted Suicide for the Healthy, and New Legalized Rape Law

Filed under Division of Rant (with Pretzels), Humor, Op-Ed

Killer Erections and Legalized Incest

> Brazilian spider bite gives men erections, then they die
> Romania considers legalizing incest
.
Inebriated Press
March 23, 2009
Erectile issues or spider bites?

Erectile issues or spider bites?

Fox News reported Friday that a Brazilian wandering spider was discovered in a bunch of bananas from Honduras at a Whole Foods Market in Tulsa, Oklahoma.  University of Tulsa animal facilities director Terry Childs said a bite from the spider will kill a person in about 25 minutes.  Researchers have also found its venom stimulates an hours-long erection in men.  Meanwhile, Associated Press reported Saturday that Romania is considering decriminalizing incest among consenting adults as part of a wide range of reforms to the country’s criminal code. Some twisted bastards say they’d do anything for a killer erection and sex with some kids.

Monica

Monica

“In today’s advanced world of high society and low ethics it’s important that it’s legal to have sex with your own or other people’s children, and have great erections or die trying,” said Roy Radow, a principal member of the North American Man/Boy Love Association (NAMBLA) and all around sick bastard. “There should be sexual freedom for all people and that includes legalization of incest, rape and murder. All ethics are subjective anyway and adults should be able to do anything they want, not only people who have government power. Bill Clinton did whatever he wanted to with Monica, Hitler did whatever he wanted to do with the Jews, and Barack Obama just does whatever he wants with the United States.  There’s no point in thinking that anything is actually criminal, immoral or stupid.  And Rule of Law is just a bothersome invention.  The legal AIG contracts that the government wants broken prove that.” 

Someone named Tammy

Someone named Tammy

Not everyone agrees with the sick bastard.  “Society is gradually slipping into a combination of idiocy, degredation and downright foolishness.  The idea that sex with children should be legalized, is wrong on so many levels it makes me sick,” said Tammy Tonsel-Niterain, a healthy medical doctor occasionally nausiated by societal trends and Obama’s healthcare plan. “One can only hope that the perpetrators of these schemes get bit by Brazilian spiders and die … with or without errections. And that Obama’s plans to undo the best healthcare system in the world dies too.  I’m not saying healthcare isn’t expensive and in need of some work, but to convert it to a system that has already failed is like intentially getting spider bites for great errrections with the guarentee that by the time you’ve got one you’re dead. Only complete morons would do it.”

Whole Foods

Whole Foods

Fox News reported that an employee of Whole Foods Market in Tulsa discovered what an expert said was a Brazilian wandering spider in a bunch of bananas from Honduras and managed to catch it in a container. The spider was given to University of Tulsa animal facilities director Terry Childs, who identified the arachnid and said that type of spider is one of the most lethal in the world. Childs said a bite will kill a person in about 25 minutes, and while there is an antidote, he doesn’t know of any in the Tulsa area.

Erection making killer spider

Erection making killer spider

Researchers have found its venom also stimulates an hours-long erection in men. Patients not only experience overall pain and an increase in blood pressure, they also get an uncomfortable erection. In Brazil, emergency room staff can immediately spot the victims of a bite. “The erection is a side effect that everybody who gets stung by this spider will experience along with the pain and discomfort,” said study team member Romulo Leite of the Medical College of Georgia, presumably speaking only about male bite victims. “We’re hoping eventually this will end up in the development of real drugs for the treatment of erectile dysfunction.”

Spiders often are found in imported produce. A manager at Whole Foods says the store regularly checks its goods and that’s how the spider was found.

Associated Press reported that surprising as it may seem, incest is not always a crime in Europe. Three European Union nations — France, Spain and Portugal — do not prosecute consenting adults for incest, and Romania is considering following suit.

Fritzl "Sick Bastard" & Daughter Elisabeth

Fritzl "Sick Bastard" & Daughter Elisabeth

The shocking case of Austrian Josef Fritzl, found guilty last week of holding his daughter captive for 24 years and fathering her seven children, has focused new attention on incest — which is a crime in itself in Austria even if the acts are consensual. But in the Fritzl case it was in connection with rape, homicide and other charges that led to a sentence of life in a secure psychiatric ward.

Laws exempting parents, grandparents, brothers and sisters from prosecution for incestuous acts if they are not forced upon adult family members are decades old in France, Spain and Portugal. In Romania, decriminalizing incest among consenting adults is being considered as part of a wide range of reforms to the country’s criminal code.

“Not everything that is immoral has to be illegal,” said Justice Ministry legal expert Valerian Cioclei. No date has been set yet for a parliament vote on the bill, and opposition to the proposal is fervent even among some lawmakers in the ruling coalition.

Some people say, when you destroy lives it makes the world better.

Himmler, misunderstood Nazi

Himmler, misunderstood Nazi

“Life should be hard and abuse of all kinds is natural, it comes from nature and the deep depraved resesses of the human psychye, and as such should be praised, celebrated and appreciated,” said Heinrich Himmler, a Nazi whose concentration camps were often mistaken for extermination camps, when they were really intended to improve the human race by eliminating the sick, weak and undesirable.  “Immoral acts don’t need to be illegal, that is a great truth.  I was critisized for immoral acts that some claimed to be illegal.  Before I committed suicide after my arrest, I was a creative scientific mind being attacked for my beliefs.  Some western cultures can be so intollerant.  Good thing the Islamofaschists are on the march.  I don’t necessarily like their religion but I love their tactics.  Kind of makes me wish I was alive again so I could help them out.  That and being in Hell like I am is kind of a drag.”

Dr. Aggarwal

Dr. Aggarwal

In other news, the UK Daily Mail reported last week that a family doctor prescribed a ‘good screw’ to a woman who was suffering from panic attacks, a court heard during testimony. Dr Rajinder Aggarwal, 54, also allegedly gave unnecessary intimate examinations, smacked patients on the bottom and questioned them about their favourite sexual positions. Four women, aged between 26 and 53, have lodged complaints about Aggarwal’s conduct in December 2006 and January 2007. No word on whether the doctor also advocated sex with kids or the use of spiders to get quick hard-ons, but the case isn’t over yet.

(C) 2009 InebriatedPress.com

Source documents:

‘World’s Deadliest Spider’ Found in Whole Foods Produce Section
http://www.foxnews.com/story/0,2933,509876,00.html

North American Man/Boy Love Association, From Wikipedia, the free encyclopedia
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/NAMBLA

Romania weighs decriminalizing consensual incest
http://news.yahoo.com/s/ap/20090321/ap_on_re_eu/eu_europe_incest

Doctor smacked bottoms and quizzed women about sex, court hears
http://www.dailymail.co.uk/news/article-1162682/Doctor-smacked-bottoms-quizzed-women-sex-court-hears.html

Heinrich Himmler, From Wikipedia, the free encyclopedia
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Heinrich_Himmler

Comments Off on Killer Erections and Legalized Incest

Filed under Division of Rant (with Pretzels), Humor

Obamanomics takes a Hit, and Brain Scans Read Memories

> AIG bailout deal included bonuses; “oops” says Obama team
> Scientists find human memories in brain scans

Inebriated Press
March 19, 2009

090320-brain-scan-bwBloomberg news reported Wednesday that while the Obama administration has said they know where “every dime” of the bailout funds given to AIG was going, they now claim they had no idea that the deal included allowing bonuses to be paid from taxpayer dollars to AIG employees.  Meanwhile Fox News reported last week that neuroscientists say humans create memories of locations in physical or virtual space as they move around – and it all shows up on brain scans.  Pundits say hook up the brain scan machine and let’s find out whether the Obama administration or AIG is full of shit.

Someone named Patty

Someone named Patty

“It’s disingenuous of the Obama administration to claim they know nothing about the AIG bonuses when the bill to fund the bankrupt company included a provision that specifically allowed for the paying of bonuses, and AIG had contracts with employees that contain bonus provisions.  I mean, when you cut a deal to bail out a firm that should be in bankruptcy and say ‘keep doing what you do, you’re too big for us to let you fail’ and then they do it and you’re pissed off, it’s you that’s the idiot, not them,” said Patty Loveless-Heartthrobb, a smart refined medical technician, who dabbles in common sense just enough to keep her out of most personal relationships.  “I’ll bet if we hook up Treasury Secretary Timothy Geithner to the brain scan machine we’ll either learn that he knew all about the terms, or he doesn’t know shit at all.  I won’t suggest hooking up President Obama to it, he’s a community organizer with no governing or management experience so I’d expect his brain to be empty.”

Someone named Heather

Someone named Heather

Not everyone agrees with Loveless-Heartthrobb.  “When anybody is printing bail-out money night and day and shoveling it into badly run companies like water over Niagara Falls, you’ll slip up once in while, you have to expect that.  AIG should just break the contracts with the employees and ignore the provisions that allow them to pay bonuses and do whatever Obama dictates at any given time,” said Heather Ballistic-Gel, a leather importer whose hot looks cause full body spasms in men under five foot two.  “If AIG doesn’t do that, then we’ll pass a special law to selectively tax the employees of AIG who receive it.  You see rule of law no longer applies under Obamanomics and the use of tax as a weapon to coerce and intimidate is the management style of the new regime — I mean Administration.  Look, you’ve got to expect a little fascism to show up in a new socialist country, we’re still ironing out all the details.”

090320-missing-info-bwBloomberg reported that President Barack Obama’s attempt to harness public anger over bonuses paid by American International Group Inc. may backfire on him as Republicans try to redirect that anger toward his administration. “Two weeks ago, the president’s spokesman said they were confident that they knew how every dime was being spent at AIG,” House Republican Leader John Boehner of Ohio told reporters yesterday. “They didn’t know what they were talking about,” Boehner said.

Republican leaders in Congress said Geithner and White House officials should have been aware of the bonuses sooner and acted quicker. They’re also seizing on AIG’s revelations as fresh evidence that Congress should oppose future rescues. Lawmakers are already moving quickly to take the initiative in responding to the public outcry. Montana Democrat Max Baucus and Iowa Republican Charles Grassley, the leaders of the Senate Finance Committee, proposed taxes totaling 70 percent on companies and individuals getting bonuses at firms that receive federal aid.

SmartBrief reported that Columnist Andrew Ross Sorkin writes that while it may not seem fair to pay bonuses to American International Group (AIG) employees, not paying them may lead to bigger issues. Some compensation consultants say that breaking the sanctity of the contracts could lead to other contracts being broken.

090320-brain-toon-bwFox News reported that researchers tracked brain activity related to “spatial memory” as volunteers moved about inside a virtual reality setup.  They discovered that humans create memories of locations in physical or virtual space as they move around – and it all shows up on brain scans. The new study challenges previous scientific thinking by showing that memories are recorded in regular patterns.

The researchers used an fMRI scanner to detect blood flow changes in the brain, and study the activity of the place cells as a volunteer controlled movement inside the virtual environment. They then ran the results through a computer algorithm developed by Demis Hassabis, another neuroscientist at University College London.

Mind-reading research has grown increasingly sophisticated over the years. Another recent study predicted people’s preference for one of two drinks with 80 percent accuracy. And earlier findings showed that people’s brains reflect abnormal activity up to half a minute before making errors. The latest findings on memory could lead to many more studies that examine how actual memories end up encoded across our brain cells, Maguire said.

Some people say it would take a mind reader to know what American’s were thinking when they elected an inexperienced community organizer with no track record of running anything to the office of president of the United States.

090320_obama_hitler_bw“Obama was clear that he wanted to spread the wealth around and that he disagreed with most of the US Constitution, so we shouldn’t be surprised that he’s ‘changing America’ like he said he would,” said Tiny Tim, a short British guy who walks with a limp and often shouts ‘god bless us, everyone’ for reasons unknown.  “The fact that he’s now begun to ignore basic contract law and use coercion and intimidation through the threat of unfair taxation should be no surprise to anyone.  His voting record is to the left of Pelosi’s — when he wasn’t voting ‘present’ because he didn’t know shit or know which way to turn.  Look at him today.  He’s a smooth talker but he’s voting ‘present’ while his band of inmates run the asylum.  We got what we voted for.”

In other news, Australia’s News Limited reported this week that investigators have launched a probe into the “longer lasting sex” company, Advanced Medical Institute (AMI). Consumer Affairs Victoria and NSW’s Office of Fair Trading are both investigating AIM which sells erectile dysfunction drugs. A NSW Office of Fair Trading spokeswoman also issued a general warning for people to carefully read any contract – including the fine print – to ensure they “really want and know what they are signing for”. No word on whether the probe will discover who’s actually getting screwed if anyone, or if rule of law will continue to apply in Australia.  It’s clearly on the ropes in the U.S.A. and damned if fascism isn’t lining up behind it.

(C) 2009 InebriatedPress.com
Source articles:

Obama May Find Anger Over Bonuses Backfires on Agenda
http://www.bloomberg.com/apps/news?pid=20601070&sid=aZUxSgc2XvK0&refer=home

Voiding AIG bonus contracts is a slippery slope
http://www.smartbrief.com/news/cpa/storyDetails.jsp?issueid=986DD671-0A97-43A0-B8DC-FC5694159248&copyid=A82BD3F1-92AE-421E-AE1F-FBE24E53C891

Brain Scans Can Read Memories, Scientists Find
http://www.foxnews.com/story/0,2933,509141,00.html

Probe into ‘longer lasting sex’ company
http://www.news.com.au/business/story/0,27753,25201863-31037,00.html

Comments Off on Obamanomics takes a Hit, and Brain Scans Read Memories

Filed under Humor, Imbibers' Choice, Division of Rant (with Pretzels)

Trafficking in Gypsy Girls, Aborted Fetus Organs, and Vodka

> Annual Gypsy Girls Bride Sale in Bulgaria
> Brit Stem Cell Expert says Ease Donor Shortage, Transplant Fetus Organs
> Illegal Vodka Accounts for Half of All Sales in Russia

Inebriated Press
March 16, 2009

For Sale

For Sale

The Daily Mail Online reported last week that thousands of teenage Roma girls were brought by their parents to an annual market in Bulgaria, where they hoped to find men willing to pay several thousand euros to buy a “bride”.  And the Daily Mail also reported that an Oxford stem cell expert says organs from late-term aborted fetuses should be used as transplants to help alleviate donor shortages.  Meanwhile, The St. Petersburg Times reported last week that illicit vodka sales is expected to account for nearly half of all vodka sold in Russia this year, as people look for less costly untaxed alcohol.  Some people say that there will be greater societal opportunities when old fashioned ethics and rule of law are aborted.

“The days of valuing life so highly that we waste the human organs of a not-yet human fetus are over and the days of buying booze legally and paying taxes are behind us.  It’s time we move forward with selling women for brides, and beheading each other if we have a disagreement and then selling off the parts for transplants or casseroles,” said Jeffrey Dahmer, a forward thinking intellectual and part-time chef, who was misunderstood by traditionalists and communicates through mediums today.  “The ideas that marriage needs to be between two people who meet and fall in love, or that working human organs somehow came from a working human being, or that booze should be traded through legal channels, is absurd, not to mention highly inefficient.  Let parents sell their kids in the open market, or sell their parts if they’d rather.  And let underground liquor producers sell their stuff without government inspection or taxation.  A totally free market economy would be less costly and provide new economic opportunity.  There may be a few people who die from poison booze or a girl who gets sold for parts who’d rather not, but hey, no system is perfect.”

Thumb sucking at 4.5 weeks, kid or organs?

Thumb sucking at 4.5 weeks, kid or organs?

Not everyone agrees with Dahmer.  “One of the struggles that every country faces is to maintain a good economy, a modicum of personal freedom and societal progress, while not creating a system that ultimately ends up being like Nazi Germany or Soviet Russia,” said Benjamin Franklin, an old school thinker who believes that freedom and commerce can work together successfully as long as individuals take some personal responsibility and behave themselves most of the time.  “If I could wave a magic wand and make all citizens ethical we’d cut the need for our expensive judicial system by at least 90 percent and eliminate most of the prisons, court houses, lawyers and other infrastructure.  Those systems act like a tax on the country, and the less moral the individuals are the more costly the economic burden.  Women and their parts should not be traded like so many tractors or their pieces — at any age.  And if a representative form of government has established taxation to pay for product inspection and so forth, then it’s acceptable.  However, over-taxation is wrong and a liquor tax should only pay for needed safety and not bureaucracy.  And let’s face it, if a kids parts work in someone else’s body then they’ll work in their own.  How can you call a late-term aborted fetus’ kidney a kidney only when it’s in somebody else’s body and not their own?  I mean really.  This is parsing both words and body parts in the worse possible way.”

On the market

On the market

The Daily Mail reported that thousands of teenage Roma girls dressed in their finest clothes and gold jewelry, were paraded around by their parents earlier this month – at an open-air brides market. “We take our daughters to this gathering so they could get acquainted with boys, for we do not allow our children to go to discos,’ explains Elena from Kapitan Andreevo. At the market  in the village of Mogila near Stara Zagora, the price of a beautiful young woman is said to be several thousand levs/euros. Younger siblings came along too to play and eat sweets while one newly-wed couple bellydanced on top of an old car to show their happiness at finding a match. Several wannabe-brides joined in, showing their eagerness to be married. The annual bride sale takes place each year on the first Saturday after the start of the orthodox Easter fast. This year the gathering attracted some 2,000 people who came from all over southern Bulgaria including Plovdiv, Pasardzhik, Sliven and Jambol.

7 month abortion; wasted parts

7 month abortion; wasted parts

The Daily Mail reported that Professor Sir Richard Gardner, an Oxford University stem cell expert, said fetal tissues may offer a more realistic solution to the lack of organs than other technologies being developed. Calling for studies into the feasibility of transplanting fetal organs, Sir Richard, an advisor to Britain’s fertility watchdog and the Royal Society, said he was surprised the possibility had not been considered. Sir Richard said: “It is probably a more realistic technique in dealing with the shortage of kidney donors than others.”  Professor Stuart Campbell added that many babies are aborted quite late, “and if they are going to be terminated, it is a shame to waste their organs”. Josephine Quintavalle, of Comment on Reproductive Ethics, described the proposal as ‘absolutely horrifying’. She said: “At what stage do you say to the woman who is to have an abortion, ‘Can we have some organs for transplant?’”

Vodka brands

Vodka brands

The St. Petersburg Times reported that the sale of illicit vodka is expected to account for nearly half of all vodka sales in Russia this year as people look for cheap, untaxed alcohol as their salaries shrink amid the economic crisis. In an early sign that illicit sales are already taking off, legal vodka production plunged by 21 percent in January, compared to January last year, the State Statistics Service said. Vodka production fell by 7.6 percent for all of 2008.  “Sales aren’t down, but production is falling,” said Pavel Shapkin, chairman of the National Alcohol Association. “This indicates that the state is losing to crime and the consumer is encountering products that are not properly regulated.” Vadim Drobiz, spokesman for the Union of Alcohol Market Participants said “more people choose to drink vodka at home now, like they did during the Soviet times.” The downturn is hitting the liquor stores that refuse to sell illegal products especially hard.

Some pundits say trading girls, organs and booze is fine as long as there’s proper regulation.

Buy or rent?

Buy or rent?

“Over the years I’ve gotten sick from bad booze, diseased hookers and some chicken organs I bought as a snack, and the reality is, if they were properly inspected and regulated there’s no risk to my health,” said Jon Doe, a roller skate rebuilder and occasional taxpayer.  “So I’m willing to buy or rent a bride, pay a booze tax and swap the parts of unborn children if they’re all certified healthy.  I suppose lopping the parts out of a kid will put a dent in their future, and maybe a gal who’s in sexual slavery won’t want to put out the way I want, but as long as it works for me most of the time, that’s all that matters.  Survival of the fittest and all that you know.  Of course when I’m down on my luck, I don’t want to be sold for parts or have my house taken away.  I’ll expect government to bail me out.  It’s all about me.  Let’s face it, that’s how we all are and should be.  Screw Benjamin Franklin and his freedom and personal responsibility bull shit.  I’d sign up with Hitler before Abraham Lincoln any day.  Adolph got things done.  He didn’t just patch a country together, he built the Third Reich.”

Heather with reshuffled parts; not cashed out

Heather with reshuffled parts; not cashed out

In other news, USA Today reported last week that Heather McNamara, 7, was discharged from a New York hospital Tuesday after a daring, high-risk operation last month in which doctors removed six vital organs so they could take out a baseball-sized tumor that had invaded her abdomen and threatened her life. Surgeons removed and chilled the child’s stomach, pancreas, spleen, liver and small and large intestines as they would for transplantation, so they could be restored after the tumor was taken out. The transplant specialist said the cancer had spread so widely that the girl’s stomach, pancreas and spleen couldn’t be saved. In place of her stomach, Kato’s team fashioned a pouch from intestinal tissue to hold food before it moves into the small intestine for digestion. The loss of her pancreas turned the child into a diabetic who will need insulin injections and digestive enzymes. “She’s doing fantastic,” her father, Joseph McNamara, of Islip Terrace, Long Island, said in an interview Monday as the two played Old Maid in her room at New York-Presbyterian Morgan Stanley Children’s Hospital.  No word on why he didn’t just sell off her good organs for a few bucks and cash her out.  Maybe he was suffering from some silly personal responsibility, or perhaps a bout of common decency.

(C) 2009 InebriatedPress.com

Source articles:

On the market: Teenage Gypsy girls glam up for annual bride sale
http://www.dailymail.co.uk/news/worldnews/article-1160669/On-market-Teenage-Gypsy-girls-glam-annual-bride-sale.html

Use aborted fetus organs in transplants, urges scientist
http://www.dailymail.co.uk/sciencetech/article-1161085/Use-aborted-foetus-organs-transplants-urges-scientist.html

Illegal Vodka Set to Account for Half of All Sales
http://www.times.spb.ru/index.php?action_id=2&story_id=28493

Miracle surgery: Girl ‘fantastic’ after 6 organs removed, 3 replaced
http://www.usatoday.com/news/health/2009-03-09-surgery-cancer_N.htm

Comments Off on Trafficking in Gypsy Girls, Aborted Fetus Organs, and Vodka

Filed under Division of Rant (with Pretzels), IP News, Op-Ed