Category Archives: IP Tabloid

Scientists Ponder Cloning Anna Nicole Smith and Grace Kelly

Inebriated Press Tabloid Division
May 19, 2009

Anna Nicole Smith

Anna Nicole Smith

Scientists at the Lucky Horseshoe Genetic Lab and Gambling Casino are currently in a heated debate over whether to bring to life a clone of actress-princess Grace Kelly or actress-slut Anna Nicole Smith.  The argument center’s around which woman will advance society the most, and bring about positive “hope and change.”  Inebriated reporters, hiding behind glass beakers and under roulette tables, have been following the proceedings closely.

Grace Kelly

Grace Kelly

“Some of the scientists say that a Grace Kelly clone would bring more civility and class to the world, and would lend an air of sophistication and politeness to global matters, that to-date have resulted in the beheadings and physical detonation of individuals who disagree with some Muslims,” said an Inebriated reporter shooting crap and slamming Jack Daniels like nobodies business. “While others feel that bringing a trashy blonde like Anna Nicole to life is the way to go, since Islamofascists don’t give a damn about anyone anyway, and hot slutty women will give the West some distraction and provide the fresher outlook necessary to think things through.”

While the Kelly-Smith debate rages, some geneticists are already gearing up to create Nancy Pelosi and Margaret Thatcher clones.

Margaret Thatcher

Margaret Thatcher

“It won’t be long now and Maggie Thatcher will slip the bonds of life and die of old age, and the earth will be a poorer, less intelligent place,” said Dutch Reagan-Two, a scientist and genetic makeup artist enamored with Thatcher for reasons of his own.  “We need the Iron Lady around telling us to pull our heads out of our ass and abandon destructive liberal policies and shit.  I’m also working on a Nancy Pelosi clone but I’m having second thoughts.  Originally I figured she’d be an acceptable balance to Thatcher’s conservativism and that would be a good thing, but since Pelosi recently went off the rails with all the ‘CIA lied’ bullshit, I’m thinking I’ll either have to forget her altogether, or see if I can cross her with a frog that has common sense.  It may make her skin look a little bit greener and appear stretched more oddly than the current version, but if she thinks clearly it’ll be worth it.  What can I say, some clones aren’t best if they’re identical to the original.”

Anna Nicole

Anna Nicole

Ethicists have been arguing over whether it’s proper to clone people and create physical replicas of them. Some pundits say it’s irrelevant and silly because even though the people may look like the originals, they’ll not think or behave like the originals, because they will have developed in different social and educational conditions. Others argue that the identical genetic makeup will in fact cause them to act a great deal like the originals.  Many remain unsure whether duplication is ethical, and while most are inclined to let someone with a different pay grade decide, some geneticists say it’s time to get on with it.

Grace

Grace

“If you can duplicate people you duplicate people,” said an unidentified geneticist and Black Jack dealer covering her name tag.  “We should do it for the very reason people climb up mountains — because they’re there.  We can, so we should; that’s good enough.  We ought get at it right away and make clones of everything and everyone.  Think of the fun of having hundreds of Anna Nichole Smiths or Grace Kelly’s running around the world.  What a hoot.  And I’m saying that from a purely scientific perspective.”

In barely related news, Anna Nicole Smith was sited recently at a Hooters eating chicken wings at a table with Elvis Presley.  No word on whether they were clones or the real thing, but according to a waitress they tipped big and that’s what matters.  After all, making the world a better place is what it’s all about, and good tips are a step in the right direction.

(C) 2009 InebriatedPress.com

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Obama, Pelosi, Clinton in Secret Kitten Club

> Powerful Kittenati Society Revealed
> Select group of powerful female politicos

Inebriated Press \ Tabloid Division
April 23, 2009

Power poltics
Power poltics

Inebriated Reporters Special Investigation Team (IRSIT) has uncovered a secret society for “politico women” whose members include Michelle Obama, Hillary Clinton and Nancy Pelosi as primary leaders.  After paying off and sleeping with a number of highly connected officials over a period of several months, members if IRSIT have declared that the Kittenati Society is real, well connected, and despite a seemingly irrational penchant for holding meetings in the nude, a basic underground society designed to wield power in politics and society.

"Hanna"
“Hanna”

“It’s all about a new world order run by leftist women with a global outreach, secret knowledge about manipulation and exploitation of personal and corporate weakness, and a desire to ultimately hold public meetings in the nude,” said Hanna Playstation-Hydrolic, a well designed and powerful writer and part-time Hooters gal, who sometimes thinks like a video game but lifts weights like a cast iron machine.  “I had to sleep with several men and women to get this information and while I tend to be straight in my thinking and physical experimentation, the whole investigative process was kind of a rush.  Anyway, Michelle Obama, Nancy Pelosi and Hillary Clinton are heading up the Kittenati Society, and when they have complete global control they’ll announce it at a press conference in the nude — which is the ultimate expression of power.”

Someone named Martha
Someone named Martha

Not everyone believes that the Kittenati Society exists or that leftist women want to wield power while not wearing clothing.  “The idea that Nancy Pelosi wants to rule the world naked is pretty crazy stuff, not the rule-the-world part, but her displaying saggy boobs to the masses and then trying to get them to do whatever she commands,” said Martha Laye-Mee, a cutting edge political analyst often confused with a porn star because of her last name.  “Michelle Obama is always running around sleeveless and kind of flaunts her body, so that kind of makes sense for her, and Hillary had that topless bust made of herself so I guess it fits her style.  Come to think of it, Pelosi is so arrogant that to make someone do her bidding while standing over them nude with her jugs at knee level would be a real power trip.  Maybe the Kittenati nudity angle isn’t so crazy after all.”

Insiders say some of the Kittenati activities include courses in world domination while wearing leather, how to exploit a male presidents sexual weakness so they’ll let you meet with government agencies that as first lady you normally couldn’t do, and how to cross your legs when meeting nude with other countries leaders so you only display the parts you want to.  Some connected officials say that consideration was made to allow Sarah Palin to join because she is attractive and politically connected, but she was excluded because her politics would have taken the group toward the conservative right. 

Sexual politics?
Sexual politics?

“Palin has a hot body and would have been able to control half of the world’s population on her own while governing in the nude, but she may have taken too much power from the left,” said a semi-clothed Kittenati member who refused to be identified, but who has lightening bolts tattooed around her left nipple and other  physical locations.  “The right is going to have to come up with their own secret society if they want to get conservative women running the world while going nude.  We leftists have our own thing going.”

The real puppet master
The real puppet master

U.S. political organizations, White House officials and government agencies all deny that the Kittenati Society exists.  “The idea is beyond absurd,” said Obama’s chief of staff Rahm Emanuel.  “We only take our orders from George Soros. God help us if he decides to start issuing them in the nude.  I’m creeped out just thinking about it, and there’s not much that creeps me out.  Holy shit.”

(C) 2009 InebriatedPress.com

Barely related documentation:

Secret society
From Wikipedia, the free encyclopedia
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Secret_society

Open Society Institute and Soros Foundations Network
http://www.soros.org/

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Recession Creams Wealth and Orgasms

Researchers review recession’s impact on study that found
wealthy men give partners more orgasms

Inebriated Press Tabloid Division
April 14, 2009

orgasmResearchers at the Inebriated Institute for Implausible Studies have revisited research by Newcastle University reported earlier this year that found the wealthier a man is, the more frequently his partner has orgasms.  What they found is that the recession is shrinking bank accounts, the average size of a man’s dick, and both the frequency of sex and the resulting orgasm.

Someone named Bethany

Someone named Bethany

“There’s no question that the correlation between a mans wealth and frequency of his partners orgasms has been shrinking in this recessionary economy, and we recommend that the Obama administration institute a financial stimulus package that results in improvement in men’s stimulus packages,” said Inebriated researcher Bethany Malone-Hardkor, whose hot body masks her 180 IQ like frosting on a protein bar.  “Typically we wouldn’t care one way or another about this, but since the government is spending money like water over Niagara Falls, what the heck, let’s try to get some action and then try to get some action.”

Someone named Carla

Someone named Carla

Some Americans are less casual about the loss of orgasmic wealth. “As a professional trophy wife I only planned to be married to the executive I’m hooked to right now for a few years, and then I was going to bust him with one of his mistresses and take half of his net worth.  I’ve been holding off for half of $50 million but the economy has slashed this guys value and I’d be lucky to get $5 or $6 mil now,” said Carla Knightrane-Ripoff, a classy piece of trash who looks better and sounds better than she really is.  “I don’t give a shit about orgasms from some guy and never have.  I’ve got technology to get me by.  It’s all about the money.  Maybe some gold-digger wannabe would be fine with a couple mil, but not me.  I’m a professional about this and deserve several fully staffed mansions.  I’m not kicking back by myself and some loser in a ranch house with a pool in some suburban neighborhood.  This is a bullshit deal the economy has laid on me, and Obama better get his ass in gear and fix it.”

Warren "Orgasmic" Buffett

Warren "Orgasmic" Buffett

In related news, billionaire Warren Buffett lost $25 billion in net worth, almost 50% of his wealth during the current economic collapse, but is still worth $37 billion.  Reportedly women named Bunny continue to have orgasms 75% of the time when shaking hands with him. So he’s got that going for him.

(C) 2009 InebriatedPress.com

Vaguely related source articles:

Wealthy men give women more orgasms
http://www.timesonline.co.uk/tol/news/uk/science/article5537017.ece

The World’s Billionaires
http://www.forbes.com/2009/03/11/worlds-richest-people-billionaires-2009-billionaires_land.html

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Hubble Telescope Spots Marilyn Monroe

> High tech device sees through time
> NASA debates time travel concept
> Philosophers argue “saving Marilyn”

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Inebriated Press Tabloid Division
April 2, 2009

Marilyn, Hot & Happy

Marilyn, Hot & Happy

Scientists at NASA have discovered that Marilyn Monroe is alive and well.  This stunning fact was uncovered last week by Inebriated Press Science/Investigative reporter Hakeem Spitim.  While researching the recent Hubble mission, Spitim unwittingly unearthed a secret research center at NASA that has remained hidden for decades.  And with the discovery, comes amazing new facts about the Hubble Telescope Program and the nature of NASA’s research into time and space travel.  And that includes the unusual discovery made just last week that Marilyn Monroe is alive, well and living in 1955; but may be able to travel to 2009.

Hubble

Hubble

A researcher in NASA’s “X-File’s” division, speaking on condition of anonymity, told Inebriated Press that while looking at the edges of dark matter rings around galaxies, Hubble’s’ gaze refracted off an unidentified object and began displaying portions of earth and its activity, during a period in the mid-1950’s.  With careful programming adjustments designed to avoid losing the refraction and images, researchers were able to direct Hubble’s focus and spotted Marilyn Monroe lying next to a swimming pool in 1955, just as her career was really taking off.  She was described as being in good health and according to one scientist was “hot as hell.”  Some pundits are debating whether Hubble has really found Marilyn across time and space, while others argue over the ethical implications and if present day scientists should try to “save her” from bad marriages and suicide.

"Some Like it Wet"

"Some Like it Wet"

“I’ve seen a lot of Marilyn Monroe movies and I know it’s her and we have to save her.  It’s the right thing to do, for her personally and for the entertainment industry, it’s just good all the way around,” said Thomas Aquinas-Fiberlite, a researcher into ethical antiquity and part-time bouncer at the Planetary Emporium and Strip Club.  “NASA should be outfitting the shuttle Atlantis right now with components that allow it to follow the visual trajectory that Hubble has mapped.  We need to either snatch her from 1955 and bring her here into advanced psychotherapy, or send someone there to help her.  We know what will happen to her if nothing is done and it’s unethical for us to stand buy and just let it happen to her.  She doesn’t understand what she’s doing.”

Innocent? Doomed? Salvageable?

Innocent? Doomed? Salvageable?

Not everyone agrees with Aquinas-Fiberlite.  “First off I don’t believe NASA has a secret division that’s looking into 1955 on purpose or by accident.  And if they did have one that could do that, it would be improper and risky to go back in time and screw around with the era, or Marilyn Monroe,” said Stacy Lacy-Thighmaster, Executive Director of the Fire Swamp and Ethical Morass Weightlifters Club and Museum.  “Even if we could go back in time and talk with Marilyn and she believed us, do you really think she would do anything different?  She’s a product of her time and her difficult past.  She makes the decisions that affect her future now, or then, and she can – or could — make things better or worse for herself by each action she takes, err … took?  Gradually, decision after decision, she shapes her future and we can’t do anything to change that.  I suppose we could kidnap her and bring her back to this century, but then what?  She’d be richer and more famous than ever, but would that make her happier?  Sometimes life just sucks and what you do makes it worse.  Better to enjoy life the best you can and find help if you need it.  There’s no magic fixes available from NASA’s secret time travel program — if it even exists.  Shit this is confusing.”

Marilyn in Playboy 1953In related news, MGM is said to be negotiating a deal with NASA to allow a present day MGM executive to time-travel and visit with Monroe, hoping to convince her to come to 2009 and produce new movies.  It’s rumored that competing entertainment industry companies are trying to derail the effort and replace it with deals of their own.  Reportedly Playboy Enterprises has lawyers evaluating the deal that put Monroe on the cover of their magazine in 1953 to see if she may still be under contract.

Salma

Salma

NASA officials have repeatedly denied the Hubble / Marilyn Monroe report, and NASA Administrator Michael Griffin recently issued a statement declaring, “Actually I’m kind of into Salma Hayek.”

(C) 2009 InebriatedPress.com

Source documents:

Hubble finds dark matter rings around galaxies
http://media.www.jhunewsletter.com/media/storage/paper932/news/2009/03/26/Science/Hubble.Finds.Dark.Matter.Rings.Around.Galaxies-3685044.shtml

Atlantis finally go for Hubble mission
http://www.theregister.co.uk/2009/03/26/atlantis_roll_out/

Marilyn Monroe – From Wikipedia, the free encyclopedia
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Marilyn_Monroe

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Michael Phelps framed by right-wing Republicans

> Bill Clinton didn’t inhale, neither did Michael Phelps
> Barry Bonds and Roger Clemens are innocent too

Inebriated Press \ Tabloid Division
February 9, 2009

090209-michaelphelpsweedties1Inebriated reporters spying on athletes and politicians from behind office drapery, beneath mattress pads and under gum wrappers say that Olympic swimmer and 14-time Olympic Medalist Michael Phelps, was framed. According to reports assembled by our Editor during a late night of heavy cigar smoking with only occasional breaks for Crown Royal, the entire marijuana bong thing was a set-up orchestrated by out-of-work Republicans bent on no good.

“It’s well known that athletes vote Democrat more often than not and while Democrat law-makers tend to rake them over the coals during various drug-related Congressional hearings, the fact is it’s a love-hate thing and the out-of-work Republicans are the real ones trying to bring down both athletes and Democrats by insinuating that they ingest the drugs they smoke, inject or swallow; and that’s just not true,” said an Inebriated reporter swallowing a quart of Canadian Club but not ingesting it.  “It’s jealousy on the Republican’s part because the Democrats get all the hot chicks — like Marilyn Monroe, Beyonce and Ashley Dupré — even if Spitzer paid for her.  Now they’ve got Phelps set-up on this bong thing and the reality is he only looks like he’s sucking the smoke into his lungs.  If Michael had been thinking clearly at the time he would have said he wasn’t inhaling, just like Bill Clinton did.  The only reason he wasn’t thinking well was because he was hopped up on Kellogg’s cereal. Now Kellogg’s is ending his contract. What irony.  What a travesty.”

Beyonce

Beyonce

ABC News reported that USA Swimming has suspended the Olympian for three months and the Kellogg cereal company said that they were ending their endorsement deal with him when it’s up for renewal at the end of February.  But all is not lost.  Nike and Speedo don’t care and word on the street is that White Castle is interested in signing him to an endorsement deal. 

According to Brand Weak, an underground public relations firm, the framing of Phelps can be turned into a positive.

090209-phelps-sucking-mj“The American dope-head market is enormous and if Michael wants to go with the Olympian dope-head theme and let us develop and market it, the clouds are the limit,” exclaimed Sunny Lap-Dance, senior vice president of brand development at Brand Weak.  “There are very few famous Olympic athletes that drug users can really look up to and emulate.  Here we have a guy who is talented, has fourteen Olympic medals, and is a public self-professed marijuana user with munchies that drive 12,000 calories per day consumption.  This is somebody that all drug users will appreciate, and let’s face it, they’ll buy whatever he tells them too.  This is an opportunity that the out-of-work Republicans have handed the boy, if he’s smart enough to take it.”

In other news, Inebriated reporters say Barry Bonds and Roger Clemens are both innocent too and should be left alone.  Unless they want to declare themselves drug users and sign-up with Brand Weak for muscle enhancement endorsements.  Each to his own as they say.  It’s all a matter of perspective.

(C) 2009 InebriatedPress.com

Sources:

USA Swimming Suspends Michael Phelps for 3 Months
http://abcnews.go.com/Sports/wireStory?id=6817763

Documents cite evidence of Bonds’ steroid use
http://www.denverpost.com/sports/ci_11630860

Clemens’s DNA Is Linked to Syringes
http://www.washingtonpost.com/wp-dyn/content/article/2009/02/02/AR2009020202902.html

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Obama and Clinton Found in Love Nest

Inebriated Press \ Tabloid Division
December 30, 2008

73969402WM007_Democratic_PrStunned political pundits say president-elect Barack Obama and future Secretary of State Hillary Clinton were discovered shacked-up at an Arkansas resort, while former president Bill Clinton and first-lady-to-be Michelle Obama expressed disbelief from a Hooters in Chicago.  Inebriated reporters hiding in dumpsters and behind ice sculptures have the story.

081231_hillary_clinton1“I saw Hillary and Barack ice-skating together at an Arkansas resort and later disappear into a cabin with a pile of logs for a fire, and after I paid a local citizen who keeps recordings of wire-taps on all the cabins, I was given the story of the heated action that went on inside,” said Inebriated reporter Dank Apartment, a writer by trade and drinker out of habit.  “They had an emotional love-hate sexual-repressive relationship during the primaries.  Back then Barack said Hillary didn’t know shit about foreign policy and did nothing but have tea with foreign leaders’ wives; but now he’s named her to the top foreign policy position in the country and says she’s the nations top foreign policy expert.  It was just the sexual tension that brought out the conflicting statements, and now they’re working out that tension and are a lot more relaxed with each other.”

081231_james_carvilleNot everyone thinks it was Obama or Clinton. “I don’t think for one moment that Michelle and Bill were together at a Hooters in Chicago, there’s no doubt in my mind that it wasn’t really them,” said Democrat operative James Carvell, rubbing his head with bowling ball polish and yipping like a dog.  “Anyone who says it was is full of shit.  What did you say?  Barack and Hillary were naked together in a cabin?  I don’t know nothing, leave me alone.”

081231-super-obamaIn related news, Obama continues to say that all the statements he made during the primaries that conflict with what he’s doing now shouldn’t be seen as either lies or a change of positions.  “It was all preliminary stuff and you say whatever you need-to in order to get elected,” Obama reportedly said, while smoking a Marlboro he later claimed was a cheese stick.  “It’s not like politicians tell the truth or anything.  People know better than that.  We do whatever we want to, because we can.  Bill Clinton taught us that.  Now Hillary and I are revisiting it.  Why look so surprised?”

(C) 2008 InebriatedPress.com

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Sandy Claus wishes you Happy Christmas!

081225-sandy-claus1

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