Category Archives: IP Tabloid

Holy Cow! Michelle Obama Starred Nude in Stag Film with Babes

Inebriated Press \ Tabloid Division
November 13, 2008

Gratuitous Photo of Babes

Gratuitous Photo of Babes

Inebriated investigative reporters hiding in the trunks of cars, behind trees and inhabiting old film libraries like dust mites, have discovered a movie never seen in U.S. of first-lady in-waiting Michelle Obama, staring in a German stag film.  “Hoochie Fraulein!” is reportedly a forty-five minute flick in which Michelle dances, rebuilds a BMW engine, and then has wild sex with a cast of dozens of hot babe and stud mechanics.  Some film critics claim it’s not the new first lady, but other analysts who study human form and motion, say it’s the wife of The One, no doubt about it.

German Stag Film

German Stag Film

“The way the Fraulein pulled the pistons out of that BMW and then jumped the mechanic with a smooth muscular motion, displays the same style of physical action that I’ve seen Michelle make when pulling the lungs out of a passing Republican and then getting it on with her worshipers,” said a high level investigative reporter, who refused to be indentified lest he die a thousand deaths through liberal torture of an undefined nature.  “The lanky movements and swing of the hips which knocked a BMW engine off the workbench twice in the film is clearly Michelle’s signature.  And the other stuff that you see when you see what you see makes me believe that it was that gal doing her thang alright.  Don’t know what Barack was up to during Michelle’s movie years in Germany, but I bet he likes the moves she’s got just fine.  Wowsers!”

Not everyone believes the unnamed unidentified reporters and analysts making crazy talk about Michelle.  “Michelle Obama is an elitist who graduated from Princeton University and Harvard Law School, she would never sell herself to the Germans for sex flicks, besides that, she worked on marketing at Sidley Austin, so you know that she’d have positioned herself in French stag films because they sell better,” said Gene Italwarts, an out of work hair dresser, who thinks Barack’s income redistribution plans are better than cats pajamas and men’s underwear.  “Everyone knows that Michelle is the best Hula-Hooper around and can even drop to her knees while hooping, so it’s a gimmie that she’d be Hula-Hooping in French stag films and not rebuilding German engines in one of their flicks.  I mean really.  Use some common sense here.”

Michelle Obama

Michelle Obama

According to Wikipedia, Michelle LaVaughn Robinson Obama (born January 17, 1964) is an American attorney and the wife of Barack Obama, who is the President-elect of the United States and Senator from Illinois. She will be the first African-American to become the First Lady of the United States. She was born and grew up on the South Side of Chicago and graduated from Princeton University and Harvard Law School. At Princeton, she challenged the teaching methodology for French because she felt that it should be more conversational. After completing her formal education, she returned to Chicago and accepted a position with the law firm Sidley Austin. At the firm, she worked on marketing and intellectual property. Michelle Obama as well as her daughters are said to be avid hula hoopers. Barack Obama told People Magazine that one of his wife’s secret talents is that she can really hoop. “She is the best Hula-Hooper I know. Once she gets the rhythm going, she can drop to her knees!”

Some people say that everything in life can be done better when you’re on your knees.

BMW Engine

BMW Engine

“I’ve done some pretty wild shit when I’ve been down on my hands and knees and that’s true whether I was coming or going, Hula-Hooping or changing out engine parts,” said Helga Hildebrand, a statuesque blonde German woman widely known for everything.  “You can say what you want about Michelle, but when she gets out the leather, the Hula-Hoops and the whips and chains, she can fix any car engine and rebuild most men’s Bikes from the ground up.  She takes no shit from anyone and will be as close to a Dominatrix First Lady as we’ve had since Hillary Clinton started carrying Bill’s balls in her purse after the Lewinski affair.  Damn straight.”

Statuesque Blonde

Statuesque Blonde

 In other news, president elect Barack Obama currently carries a Hindu money god in his pocket.  According to an article in The Times of India, the idol did the trick: “It was the magic of Pawanputra Hanuman that did it all,” asserts a convinced Brij Mohan Bhama a member of All India Congress Committee (AICC), and a devoted Obama fan. “It is the triumph of Lord Hanuman on the soils of America,” he declares, and nothing can shake his belief-in Obama or Hanuman’s blessings. No word on whether Barack or the monkey god will make an appearance in the upcoming underground flick: “First Babe Michelle Does Hopes and Chains.” Coming soon to a secret location near you.

(C) 2008

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The Patriot Microchip

New technology helps Islamofascists become closer to god, while protecting Americans

Inebriated Press \ Tech Division
November 1, 2008

The Patriot Micro chip is intended to be implanted in terrorists.

The implant is specifically designed to be installed in the forehead.
When properly installed it will allow the implanted to speak to God.

It comes in various sizes:

Patriot Microchip Sizes

Patriot Microchip Sizes

The Implanted may or may not be allowed to choose the size.
The implant may or may not be painless.
Some bleeding and or swelling may occur at the injection site.

Best regards,

(C) 2008

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Out of Hiding: JFK Endorses McCain

President Kennedy Living on Island with Marilyn Monroe
Former Leader Pissed at Global Trends and U.S. Shift to Left

Inebriated Press \ Tabloid Division
October 28, 2008

In a stunning revelation on Bahamas television this morning, President John F. Kennedy issued his support for Republican presidential candidate John McCain.  Kennedy, widely believed to have been assassinated in Dallas on November 22, 1963, said the murder was faked so he and Marilyn Monroe could enjoy life together on a deserted island.  The former president said that current global trends and this years blatant adoption of socialism by the Democrat Party, caused him to come out of hiding so he could tell American’s it is time they pull their “collective heads out of their collective asses” and start thinking straight.

Wake up you idiots, says JFK

Wake up you idiots, says JFK

“I’m calling on all U.S. citizens who value peace, freedom and the American way of life, to support the only presidential candidate who has a pro-American platform by voting for Senator John McCain,” said the 91-year-old former president, looking tanned and relaxed after 45 years of islander living.  “Marilyn and I went through great lengths to fake our deaths and hide out on a comfy island in the pacific, and I’d still be there enjoying the sun and living in ignorance if not for DirecTV and Fox News.  I’m so pissed about the idiots running the U.S. Congress and running as Democrats for high office that I had to come out and say something.  Today’s Republicans are like liberal Democrats from my day, and today’s Democrats are like old-school socialist-Marxists.  Holy shit people, haven’t you been paying attention to what happens when you get socialist-Marxist government?  Don’t you understand that when you people invoke ‘JFK’ and talk about my politics that you’re talking about a strong defense and moderate economic stimulus?  It was Johnson who did all the ‘Great Society’ crap that cost millions, not me.  I’m sick of having my initials dragged around like I was some commie.  I stared down those bastards during the Cuban missile crisis.  Now the guy you call a Democrat says he’s willing to sit down unconditionally with leaders of terrorist states?  Wake up you crazy bastards!  If you keep going the direction you’re going, you’re going to wind up where you’re headed.”

Islanders out of hiding.

Islanders out of hiding.

Not everyone believes the speaker was really JFK.  “Oswald blew JFK’s brains all over the limo seat on November 22nd in Dallas, and there’s no way he’s chatting about how crazy senator Obama’s socialist governing plans are,” said an Obama for President spokesperson, who refused to give their name or current gender.  “If it actually was Kennedy, he wouldn’t have any brains to think with, and I believe you can tell from the statements the guy made, that the comments were pretty senseless.  Anyone claiming to be a Democrat and says he watches Fox News is a liar.  Everyone knows that NBC is the Democrat network and the only place to get proper Obamaesque talking points and dialectical arguments.  Anyway, the whole notion that JFK’s politics are pertinent to this century is laughable. Nobody cares how high their taxes go or worries about defending America from its enemies.  That stuff is behind us now. Everyone wants change.”

Gratuitous Picture of Island Girl

Gratuitous Picture of Island Girl

Pundits have been debating whether Senator Barack Obama’s proposed income redistribution plans and intention to cut funding to new defense platforms is the best way to strengthen and protect the United States.  Some argue that the plans reflect Obama’s anti-American circle of friends and associates, and believe it to be a bad thing, while others say it’s necessary to enable fundamental change to occur. 

“You can’t say you’ll change things and then stick with fundamental American economics, a pro-military defense posture or the original U.S. Constitution.  Nope, in order to make real change you have to slash the military, take money from citizens who have it and give it to others, and reinterpret the Constitution.  That’s real change,” said Flower Power, an aging 1960’s radical, currently in line for appointment by Obama to head either the U.S. Department of Defense or the U.S. Treasury.  “When Barack says he’ll change America, he means it.  Damn straight. That’s why people support him.”

Wikipedia says John Fitzgerald “Jack” Kennedy, often referred to by his initials JFK, was the thirty-fifth President of the United States, serving from 1961 until his assassination in 1963. After Kennedy’s military service as commander of the Motor Torpedo Boat PT-109 during World War II in the South Pacific, his aspirations turned political, with the encouragement and grooming of his father, Joseph P. Kennedy, Sr. Kennedy represented the state of Massachusetts in the U.S. House of Representatives from 1947 to 1953 as a Democrat, and in the U.S. Senate from 1953 until 1960. Kennedy defeated then Vice President and Republican candidate Richard Nixon in the 1960 U.S. presidential election, one of the closest in American history.

The Cuban Missile Crisis began on October 14, 1962, when American U-2 spy planes took photographs of a Soviet intermediate-range ballistic missile site under construction in Cuba. The photos were shown to Kennedy on October 16, 1962. America would soon be posed with a serious nuclear threat. Kennedy faced a dilemma: if the U.S. attacked the sites, it might lead to nuclear war with the U.S.S.R., but if the U.S. did nothing, it would endure the threat of nuclear weapons being launched from close range. Because the weapons were in such proximity, the U.S. might have been unable to retaliate if they were launched pre-emptively. Another consideration was that the U.S. would appear to the world as weak in its own hemisphere.

This is why Kennedy left politics for island living.

This is why Kennedy left politics for island living.

Many military officials and cabinet members pressed for an air assault on the missile sites, but Kennedy ordered a naval quarantine in which the U.S. Navy inspected all ships arriving in Cuba. He began negotiations with the Soviets and ordered the Soviets to remove all defensive material that was being built on Cuba. Without doing so, the Soviet and Cuban peoples would face naval quarantine. A week later, he and Soviet Premier Nikita Khrushchev reached an agreement. Khrushchev agreed to remove the missiles subject to U.N. inspections if the U.S. publicly promised never to invade Cuba and quietly removed US missiles stationed in Turkey. Following this crisis, which brought the world closer to nuclear war than at any point before or since, Kennedy was more cautious in confronting the Soviet Union.

Kennedy was assassinated on November 22, 1963, in Dallas, Texas. Lee Harvey Oswald was charged with the crime and was murdered two days later by Jack Ruby before he could be put on trial. The Warren Commission concluded that Oswald had acted alone in killing the president; however, the House Select Committee on Assassinations declared in 1979 that there was more likely a conspiracy that included Oswald. The entire subject remains controversial, with multiple theories about the assassination still being debated.

In other news, Gallup reported Sunday that likely voter estimates continue to show Barack Obama with a significant lead over John McCain. The traditional model estimates Obama with a 50% to 45% advantage in Oct. 23-25 polling, and the expanded model has Obama leading by 52% to 43%. Reportedly American’s are so tired of the poor performance of the Democrat Congress that they intend to give them a filibuster-proof majority so they can do whatever they want thus assuring that real change of some kind will occur; and with gas prices falling and the war in Iraq under control, voters figure a Democrat president with dictatorial powers and a socialist vision is just what the country needs to become something else.  No word on how fast the real JFK is spinning in his grave, but word out of Virginia is that strong earth vibrations in Arlington National Cemetery can now be measured on the Richter scale — for the first time in history.

(C) 2008

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WAC: Sarah Palin Double-Breasted Mouse-Pad

Can’t find Sarah Palin nude pics but would like to get what you can?  We can help right here, right now!

Weekend Ad Copy (WAC) by: Ronco Media Not-PC PC-Mouse and Pad Division
Inebriated Press
October 11, 2008

All across America boys and men of all ages are pondering the beauty and brains of Republican Vice Presidential Candidate Sarah Palin.  Some would like to debate her intellectually and others just wish they could feel her up.

Well wish no longer!

We may not be able to arrange a visit from Sarah to your coffee shop debate club, but we can help get you closer to squeezing some other stuff you’ve been dreaming about.

Sarah Palin Double-Breasted Mouse & Pad

Sarah Palin Double-Breasted Mouse & Pad

Introducing the all New Ronco Media Not-PC PC-Mouse and Pad with Boobs!  That’s right, they’ve got them just like Sarah Palin!

This double-breasted high-tech high-touch mouse and pad set are just what juvenile delinquents’ or their dads have been feeling around for!  And now it can be yours!

Irresistibly squeezably soft just like the real thing!  Or so, Todd Palin claims!*

Click a nipple, open a file!

Click a nipple, open a file!

Simply send $55.00 in cash or signed American Express Checks to:

Ronco Media Not-PC PC-Mouse and Pad Division
Attn: We-Got-Jugs like Sarah
Box 1234565
New York, New York 54321

Order now before Barack Obama, Joe Biden and half of the frustrated Islamofascists in the mountains of Pakistan get them all!  Orders are shipping fast and it’s possible that stock is being depleted rapidly, or something like that.

*Not an official endorsement, but hey, they’ve got five kids!

(C) 2008

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Obama Proposes Space Shuttle Flight, Eyes Sex in Space

Plans to One-up JFK and Bill Clinton

Inebriated Press \ Tabloid Division
August 22, 2008

Houston’s Bay Area Citizen reported Wednesday that Barack Obama wants one more shuttle fight after NASA’s planned shut down of the program in 2010. And UK’s Metro reported on Wednesday, that NASA advisor Dr Jason Kring is calling for the US space agency to prepare astronauts for sex in space. Debate over the real reason Obama wants NASA to reserve one more shuttle flight after he becomes president, has pundits everywhere thinking the obvious and blushing like crazy.

“These two media reports released on the same day is no coincidence,” said someone claiming to be conservative radio talk show host Shaun Hannity, as he sat sticking pins into a small figurine that looked a lot like Barack Obama. “Junior Senator Obama has studied the speeches and mannerisms of John F. Kennedy, and has adopted the casual spin-the-truth style of Bill Clinton. That approach has him in line for the Democratic presidential nomination and positioned him as a strong candidate for U.S. president. But the presidency is clearly not enough for Obama. He wants to one-up both Kennedy and Clinton. Kennedy introduced the U.S. space program but never flew in space. Clinton banged interns in the Oval office and presumably on Air Force One, but never outside earth’s atmosphere. Obama wants to bang interns in outer space. I’m only saying this because it’s true. There’s no getting around it. When viewed together the articles speak for themselves.”

Not everyone agrees that Obama wants to be the first American president to have sex in outer space. “President Obama would never try and change the way NASA operates just so he can copulate outside of our planets atmosphere. He doesn’t like change that much, that’s why he uses old style Chicago politics,” said someone claiming to be liberal TV commentator Alan Colmes, as he sat sticking pins into a small figurine that looked a lot like John McCain. “If Hannity would have read the Wall Street Journal, also published on Wednesday, he’d have seen the headline ‘Obama Played by Chicago Rules.’ Chicago rules don’t give a rat’s ass about sex in space, they’re all about using legal technicalities, dirty dealing and working with racketeers like Tony Rezko, to get elected and seize power. Once again conservatives are trying to take a couple of unrelated news stories and one liberal’s desire for change and turn them into something crazy. Well we can be crazy enough without their help. Bill Clinton proved that.”

The Bay Area Citizen reported that Democratic presidential hopeful Barack Obama would like to see at least one more shuttle flight after NASA’s planned conclusion of the program in May 2010. According to a document released by the Obama campaign and posted on, the senator believes the planned five-year gap between the retirement of the space shuttle and the launch of the Constellation program is a cause for concern. The article said that according to a report from Tom Abrahams at ABC 13, Sen. Bill Nelson of Florida and former Sen. John Glenn, have endorsed Obama’s position paper, “Advancing The Frontiers of Space Exploration.” Previously, the Illinois senator has indicated he would consider cutting the space program to fund education, rattling nerves at NASA centers around the country.

The UK Metro reported that members of the mile-high club may soon be after an upgrade: with the onset of space tourism, we could see the 62-mile-high club. And it’s more than just a giggle for thrill-seekers: last month, NASA advisor Dr Jason Kring called for the US space agency to prepare astronauts for sex in space. “A round-trip mission to Mars could take three years,” he points out. “We shouldn’t assume these men and women will have no thoughts of sex.” He suggested privacy should be factored into the design of spacecraft and that astronauts follow the example of polar explorers and take ‘expedition spouses’ with them.

NASA isn’t alone on the sex-in-space frontier. The Metro said Virgin Galactic, Richard Branson’s space tourism venture, is due to start test flights this year. “We’ve already had a number of inquiries from people about whether they could be the first to have sex in space,” says Will Whitehorn, president of Virgin Galactic. “But we haven’t accepted any bookings on that basis and won’t until we understand what the safety issues might be.” Experts say hooking up in zero gravity could present problems. Pundits argue that problems are exactly what high-stepping progressive junior Senators casually overcome.

“Honestly, who would have believed me if I told you five years ago that in 2008 the U.S. would elect as president, a junior Senator with virtually no political experience and zero business skills, a man who spent 20 years in an anti-American church with a pastor whose buddy is Louis Farrakhan, a candidate with the Pentagon bomber as his good friend, and who had an imprisoned racketeer as a real estate partner,” asked someone claiming to be Bill Moyers, a conservative social communist, whose views on freedom are balanced with a liberal dose of totalitarianism and ethical blindness. “It’s a proud day to be an American without a flag lapel pin, bent on changing everything we know about U.S. history, government, and the redistribution of wealth. Oops, I think I just peed down my leg with excitement. Watch out so you don’t slip in it when you walk out.”

In other news, CBS 13 Sacramento reported on Tuesday that State Senator Alan Lowenthal, a Long Beach Democrat, says that electric cars are too quiet. Lowenthal is pushing a bill aimed at ensuring that the vehicles make enough noise to be heard by the blind and visually impaired when they’re about to cross a street. The state Senate approved the bill on a 23-12 vote and sent it to Gov. Arnold Schwarzenegger, who has not taken a position. State traffic officials say they don’t keep statistics on pedestrian accidents involving hybrid or electric vehicles. No word on whether the Senator has also made recommendations to NASA about managing the sounds of sex in space.

(C) 2008

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Playboy Sues PETA for Infringement

Nudity in public is Playboy turf
Have at it with the animals though

Inebriated Press – Tabloid Division
June 16, 2008

Inebriated reporters say Playboy Enterprises filed suit against the People for Ethical Treatment of Animals (PETA) today, citing infringement on public nudity rights. According to Barney Fife A.K.A. Howard Hughes, A.K.A. Lester Morso, an Inebriated reporter of some repute, Playboy chief Hugh Hefner has had enough of PETA’s nude tactics cutting in on sales.

“Heff said that the PETA folks can mess around with animals if they want, but they have to stop their naked street protests and naked pictures of actresses in the media,” said Lester Morso, brushing his teeth with Captain Morgan and rising with Absolut. “He said he’s done letting it pass and is mad as hell.”

Reportedly Heffner was in his bathroom nursing hemorrhoids and a flare up of herpes when he saw a picture of sexy Hollywood star Alicia Silverstone in a PETA magazine ad. Silverstone has repeatedly refused to pose for Heffner, but did it for free at PETA. He turned the page and saw pictures of a naked Pamela Anderson at a PETA event protesting KFC chicken, also free of charge. When he remembered how much it cost him to get Pam’s breasts out in the open he was even more pissed off.

“There was Preparation H sprayed all over that damn room and its PETA to blame,” said Edith Kumright, a cleaning woman and Lasik technician at the L.A. Playboy mansion. “Don’t tell anyone I said anything, but it was the biggest mess that rooms seen since Heff judged that chili competition. That was some nasty shit.”

Legal experts say that Heffner has no case and won’t be able to stop PETA from getting volunteer strippers for their advertising or public outings. And while it is illegal to be nude in a public place, most law enforcement officials are satisfied to arrest the naked PETA protesters and haul them around in their squad cars. No one plans to try and stop PETA’s efforts at the top.

“It breaks up the day, it’s not dangerous and some of those babes are really hot,” said an Iowa police officer covering his name and badge. “Every year these PETA chicks strip down in Des Moines to protest the World Pork Expo, and all the officers try to get the Expo detail in order to be there. It’s damn hard to beat chowing down on BBQ at the Expo, and then snagging some nude bitches off the street. Too bad it’s only an annual event.”

In other news, Russia Today reported last week that students in Ukraine stripped down for a sexy protest against having their hot water switched off. Dozens of girls plunged into a fountain in Kiev’s Independence Square for a wet T-shirt demonstration. Equipped with soap and sponges, many stripped down to their bikinis or underwear. The event drew a large crowd of onlookers. The article said the annual cut to the hot water supply is a common practice in Ukraine. It is often switched off for a month during summer to carry out maintenance work on the pipes. The girls said they wanted to attract the authorities’ attention to the poor timing which has come in the middle of exams. No word on whether Playboy or PETA will sue the students for infringement, but Inebriated reporters are on the case and say if anything comes of it, they’ll Absolut-ly have the story.

(C) 2008

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Dental Hygienists Endorse Obama

Say his toothy grin turns them on

Inebriated Press \ Tabloid Division
May 16, 2008

The Organized Utopia of Career Hygienists, International (OUCHi) an American dental hygienists splinter group, announced yesterday their support of Senator Barack Obama for president of the United States. The groups’ executive director, Nikki “N2O” Oxide made the proclamation at the annual gathering of dental assistants and part-time strippers in Tampa, following a nude tooth polishing demonstration attended by fifteen to twenty OUCHi members and around 500 local businessmen on their lunch break. Senator Obama wasn’t on hand but said by webcast that he appreciated the endorsement and hoped to see some “hot young OUCHi members” in the near future for a “check up.” OUCHi members who had been inhaling laughing gas during Obama’s comments cheered and hooted while tossing bras and dental floss into the air.

“We just love Obama’s toothy grin and I get all hot and bothered just thinking about his incisors and bicuspids,” said Tracy Racy-Lacy, a hygienist from a Hoboken mens-only dental practice who nearly suffocates patients when leaning over them with her 34EEE’s — but has never had a complaint. “He keeps the enamel just so and when he smiles the light refraction is simply divine. He doesn’t need an appointment. I’ll do him in my chair anytime.”

Not everyone thinks politicians should be elected because of their smile. “You can’t be choosing the most powerful leader in the world based on how his or her teeth look, it’s irrational and impractical,” said an attorney trying to get into an OUCHi fashion show featuring models displaying what they wear under their smocks. “You should elect them based on how much they want to change things regardless of what those changes are. Too many people get caught up in silly stuff like taxes, healthcare, defense against terrorism and those kinds of mundane things. Change for the sake of change is what I go by. Of course an ample bosom is always good, but it’s tough to find many politicians built like that.”

The OUCHi annual meeting runs through Sunday and organizers say they’ll be reviewing technical advancements for teeth cleaning as well as how to effectively balance dental care with stripping and hooking, for those who want to branch out. A special seminar on new practices that combine all three disciplines is slated for late Sunday when many cops will be off duty.

“We live in such a hectic society that a lot of business people simply can’t find the time to bang hookers and also get their teeth cleaned and polished, so we’re branching out with a new combination business franchise called BDSM DDS Associates,” said bookie and business consultant Shifty McGee, a recent convert to oral hygiene. “Properly trained a good OUCHi technician can polish both ends of a guy simultaneously thus saving time and generating extra income. Of course we’re still having some problems getting insurance companies to pay for both services but we’re working on it. We think by endorsing Obama he’ll make sure that his national healthcare plan will cover the whole thing. After all, it’s a service a lot of fine people can use and it’s great for their all-around health and vitality, not to mention their attitude.”

In related news, dentists continue to encourage patients to have their teeth checked and cleaned at least once a year and preferably once every six months. Currently patients at the new BDSM DDS Associates have been coming several times each month and some highly dedicated ones have established weekly appointments.

(C) 2008

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