Category Archives: Tech Division

The Patriot Microchip

New technology helps Islamofascists become closer to god, while protecting Americans

Inebriated Press \ Tech Division
November 1, 2008

The Patriot Micro chip is intended to be implanted in terrorists.

The implant is specifically designed to be installed in the forehead.
When properly installed it will allow the implanted to speak to God.

It comes in various sizes:

Patriot Microchip Sizes

Patriot Microchip Sizes

The Implanted may or may not be allowed to choose the size.
The implant may or may not be painless.
Some bleeding and or swelling may occur at the injection site.

Best regards,

(C) 2008

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Filed under Humor, Tech Division

WAC: Sarah Palin Double-Breasted Mouse-Pad

Can’t find Sarah Palin nude pics but would like to get what you can?  We can help right here, right now!

Weekend Ad Copy (WAC) by: Ronco Media Not-PC PC-Mouse and Pad Division
Inebriated Press
October 11, 2008

All across America boys and men of all ages are pondering the beauty and brains of Republican Vice Presidential Candidate Sarah Palin.  Some would like to debate her intellectually and others just wish they could feel her up.

Well wish no longer!

We may not be able to arrange a visit from Sarah to your coffee shop debate club, but we can help get you closer to squeezing some other stuff you’ve been dreaming about.

Sarah Palin Double-Breasted Mouse & Pad

Sarah Palin Double-Breasted Mouse & Pad

Introducing the all New Ronco Media Not-PC PC-Mouse and Pad with Boobs!  That’s right, they’ve got them just like Sarah Palin!

This double-breasted high-tech high-touch mouse and pad set are just what juvenile delinquents’ or their dads have been feeling around for!  And now it can be yours!

Irresistibly squeezably soft just like the real thing!  Or so, Todd Palin claims!*

Click a nipple, open a file!

Click a nipple, open a file!

Simply send $55.00 in cash or signed American Express Checks to:

Ronco Media Not-PC PC-Mouse and Pad Division
Attn: We-Got-Jugs like Sarah
Box 1234565
New York, New York 54321

Order now before Barack Obama, Joe Biden and half of the frustrated Islamofascists in the mountains of Pakistan get them all!  Orders are shipping fast and it’s possible that stock is being depleted rapidly, or something like that.

*Not an official endorsement, but hey, they’ve got five kids!

(C) 2008

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Filed under Humor, IP Tabloid, IP WAC, Tech Division

U.S. to stop rapists with laser gunship

High tech blasts balls off offenders

Inebriated Press \ Tabloid Tech Division
December 14, 2007

Note to would-be rapists in the U.S. – there’s a new high tech sheriff in town and it rules your gonads.  Screw around and your parts are vapor.

A controversial new approach using high technology is about to change the way rapists are handled in America.  Boeing completed laser installation Dec. 4 at Kirtland Air Force Base in New Mexico.  The laser, including its major subsystem, a 12,000-pound integrated laser module, was moved into place aboard a 747 aircraft and aligned with a previously-installed beam control system, which will direct the laser beam to its target.  Doctors say that testosterone levels and consequently men’s libidos can be lowered through removing a man’s testicles.  For that reason, castration has been used by psychiatrists and mandated by various states to treat some sex offenders.  Enter the new air defense target:  offensive male crotches.  A few people are uncomfortable with the idea.

“You can’t just blast the balls off some guy with a laser from space.  It’s a violation of his human rights and the freedom to have and maintain testicles,” said Johnny Cochran, former O.J. Simpson lawyer, speaking to us through a spirit guide in the back of a comic book store.  “Besides it’s inherently dangerous.  What would happen if some woman’s rights fanatic and man-hater got hold of the devise?  Men’s balls would be getting indiscriminately toasted all across the country!”

But some people think the idea is a good one and would deter crime.  “Some guy abuses a woman and suddenly his nuts are burned right out of his crotch; now we’re talking serious justice,” said woman’s rights advocate Sandra Spelling, tripping a guy who happened to look at her while crossing the street.  “It’s about time technology and justice come together to do some good.”

A 2005 study printed in the Journal of the American Academy of Psychology and the Law, found that between zero and 10 percent of sexual offenders who are surgically castrated repeat their crime.  Scientists say that the added surprise of an unexpected laser attack would probably keep repeat offences nearer zero.  With the laser installed, Boeing is set to conduct a series of tests leading up to a demonstration in 2008 in which the program will fire the laser in-flight at mission-representative ground targets to demonstrate the military utility of high-energy lasers. The test team will fire the laser through a rotating turret that extends through the aircraft’s belly.

“We aren’t positive we can blow a man’s dick off from 30,000 feet, so rights advocates need to settle down,” said U.S. Department of Defense spokesperson Heidi Pakage, using a handheld laser to vaporize the nuts off a Gerbil on the other side of the room.  “What we’re actually hoping to do is find and remove terrorists like Osama bin Laden.  Of course if I had the chance to liquefy his balls and then do him in parts, I guess I’d be up for it.”

In related news, Bill Clinton has been working overtime to help his wife and presidential candidate Hillary Clinton win election.  Reportedly she has promised that if she’s elected she’ll return the balls she removed from him following the oval office blue dress episode.

© 2007

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Filed under Humor, IP Tabloid, Tech Division