Category Archives: Op-Ed

Q&A with Bob & Joan: Should the U.S. Close Military Bases, Cut Defense Spending; Centralize Forces at Home?

“The Bob and Joan Chronicles” of Inebriated Press
April 22, 2009

Q.

Bob,

You conservatives are complaining about the Obama administration’s plan to slash military spending on new technology and missile defense systems designed to stop first strike nuclear attacks and other conventional warfare from countries like China, Russia, North Korea and others.  But the Obama administration has already pointed out that there is no longer a threat of conventional warfare, only the possibility of small skirmishes with a few small bands of Muslim extremists, or Mexican drug dealers.

The U.S. has military bases and personnel scattered all over the world, in places like Japan, South Korea, Germany and Belgium.  That’s excessive since there are no wars there and the U.S. has no global mandate to be the world’s “police force.”  And now that the U.S. has put Democrats in charge of Congress and in the White House, they’ve been spending trillions of dollars on social programs that all Americans want, and that makes the far flung military too expensive to maintain.  Isn’t it about time to close the foreign military bases and bring the troops home where they can guard the U.S. border from Mexican drug dealers and illegal aliens?

Quit whining about the liberals that Americans have put in charge you dumb bastard.

Hugs and kisses,

Joan

A.

My Dearest Joan,

Your contemplation on the plight of we conservatives over an over-extended military and the free-spending liberals touches me deeply, and your suggestion that we eliminate military-bases world-wide as a solution, are warm and gentile words of encouragement and hope, despite the absurdity and global risk that implementation of such a scheme would entail.  How I long to set aside such petty questions and instead lay my head upon your bosom and bask in the warm glow of your beauty and charm, but such is not my mandate.  I must speak to you honestly about our challenge.

You see, despite the fact that there are not open hostilities between China, Russia, North Korea, Iran and other countries with the U.S. and its allies, the notion that none will ever be forthcoming is but wishful thinking.  The fact that a large and powerful American military is arranged in multiple locations of diverse nature around the globe is one of the key reasons that such a peace presently exists.  In addition to this, the diverse nature and location of U.S. military systems is a practical strategy — not having concentrated military assets in a single location, which, if attacked and crushed, would render the U.S. defense system largely destroyed all in one blow.  Avoiding a circumstance that befell the U.S. Navy at Pearl Harbor, as well as providing the tactical ability to move defensive systems to any part of the globe quickly from a diversity of locations, is a valuable strategic advantage for America and the defense of it’s allies.

Regarding the gargantuan spending on everything that can be imagined by the liberal mind, thereby creating massive debt, the risk of economic collapse and hyper-inflation; the idea that cutting major R&D for future defense systems and stopping current system development would result in savings are mere drops in the bucket, and even if such cuts were sane, they’d not begin to replace the funds being spent.  We have two hopes in this regard.  One, that bureaucrats are too lazy to spend the money fast enough to put us in tremendous debt in the next year and a half.  And two, that Republicans awake from their stupor and adopt Ronald Reagan’s attitude about smaller government and less taxing and spending, and run good campaigns and take control of Congress in the elections less than two years ahead.  Then, having taken power in Congress, to stop the foolish spending and begin to dismantle Obama’s United States of Socialist America (USSA), currently under development.

Regarding the Mexican border, we don’t need a massive troop surge to stop the problems there.  We just need to take the issue seriously and enforce the laws we have and support the professionals and volunteers already working there.  However, if we wanted to be more aggressive in stopping the problem, we’d simply declare several miles of ground inside the US/Mexican border as “no man’s land” and set up military snipers to shoot anyone found in that sector.  We’ve done it successfully in the Middle East and other areas.  These men, properly posted, can secure many miles of terrain and kill efficiently, inexpensively and with pin-point accurately.  A couple weeks of this and no one would bother trying to come into the U.S. illegally across the US/Mexican border.

And so, my fine and gentle Joan, I must tell you that if true Americans — the 46% who voted for McCain and not Obama — were in charge, we could solve these problems without resorting to silly notions of slashing our military power in effort to fund tattoo removal in Los Angeles (part of the ‘stimulus package’ recently passed by Congress).  It is my hope that those who voted the liberals into office because they wanted “change” will shake off their mental weirdness and put real Americans in charge in the near future.  In the meantime, we conservatives must prepare, must battle stupidity as best we can, and love those who love us, and try to neutralize those who don’t.

I hope this finds you happy, well, and firm where you want to be; and soft where you’d like to be.

With the warmest of feelings toward you, barely contained behind my muscular physique,

Bob

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Filed under Humor, Op-Ed, The Bob and Joan Chronicles

White House Sex Chat Line, Assisted Suicide for the Healthy, and New Legalized Rape Law

> Journalists calling in for Obama conference get sex chat line
> Swiss clinic to help healthy woman kill herself
> Afghan President establishes law sanctioning marital rape

Inebriated Press \ Division of Rant (with Pretzels)
April 6, 2009

Miss Sex Chat & Miss Legal Rape

Miss Sex Chat & Miss Legal Rape

Agence France Presse (AFP) reported last Thursday that journalists in the U.S. calling a toll-free number to join a conference call with President Obama in London, instead had their call answered with the line “Do you feel like getting nasty?” — as a sultry voiced Swank magazine sex-chat woman picked up their call.  And Times Online reported last Friday that the Swiss assisted-suicide clinic Dignitas was criticized after revealing plans to help a healthy woman to die. The clinic’s founder described suicide as a “marvelous opportunity” that should not be restricted to the terminally ill.  Meanwhile, Afghan President Karzai provoked international outrage with a draconian Taleban-era law that explicitly sanctions marital rape.  Pundits are debating whether the White House sex chat line can offset the trillions in new Obamanomic spending enough that they’ll want to remain in the country, or if they should just rape their wives and commit suicide instead.

White House Operator

White House Operator

“I have to hand it to Obama, I’d never have thought of putting a sex chat line in the White House.  He’s one-upping Clinton who used to rent out the Lincoln Bedroom for orgies.  If Obama instructs the travel office to offer a package to the public with sex-chat followed by a hooker-rendezvous in the Lincoln Bedroom, I’ll bet he can rake in a lot of bucks and offset part of the $12 trillion in spending that he’s initiated in the last 60 days,” said Zack Loft-Basement, a chief-of-staff wanna-be and occasional user.  “But if Obama doesn’t get spending under control and give some tax relief to business in order to truly stimulate the economy, we’re going to end up with hyper inflation and draconian taxation.  My wife will get really frigid I’ll be left to rape her and kill myself — all according to acceptable laws of course — but still, it’d be a real bother.”

Someone named Cathy

Someone named Cathy

Not everyone thinks the way Loft-Basement does.  “I have mixed feelings about the White House sex chat line, just like I did the Condi Rice nude calendar to help fund the State Department, and Bill Clinton selling nude pic’s of Hillary to fund her run for president.  It just seems like maybe we’re going too far and should just cut some costs or something,” said Cathy Scot-Ireland-Tissue, a genius in her own mind and a sex tramp in the minds of others.  “And anyone who condones raping women for any reason should be assigned to an assisted-suicide clinic and be removed from the land of the living.  I do have to wonder about the clinic that plans to help healthy people kill themselves though.  Do you suppose they’ve considered maybe recommending some mental health counseling instead?  I don’t like to be on anti-depressant drugs either, but it seems a bit drastic to just off yourself.”

AFP reported that journalists based in the United States got a shock last Thursday when they dialed a toll-free number to join a conference call with senior officials accompanying US President Barack Obama in London. The number turned out to be a sex chat line inviting callers to use their credit card numbers. “Do you have any hidden desires?” a sultry voiced woman asked. “Well, do you feel like getting nasty? Then you came to the right place — brought to you by the girls of Swank magazine,” she said. Reporters finally got through to the two officials in London — National Security Advisor James Jones and Secretary of State Hillary Clinton — when they gave up on the US “800” number and instead dialed an international number. The White House did not offer an explanation when asked how it sent the wrong number in an email listing both numbers — one for journalists in the United States and the other for those overseas.

Purveyor of Death

Purveyor of Death

Times Online reported that the founder of the Swiss assisted suicide clinic Dignitas was criticized yesterday after revealing plans to help a healthy woman to die alongside her terminally ill husband. Ludwig Minelli described suicide as a “marvelous opportunity” that should not be restricted to the terminally ill or people with severe disabilities. Critics said that the plans highlighted the risks of proposals to legalize assisted suicides in Britain for people in the final stages of a terminal illness.

The Zurich University Clinic has found that more than a fifth of people who had died at Dignitas did not have a terminal condition. Mr Minelli admitted that some of the people who had been helped to die at the clinic had been psychiatric patients with schizophrenia and bipolar disorders. A spokesman for Care Not Killing, a campaign opposed to any weakening of the law on euthanasia or assisted suicide, said that Mr Minelli’s comments showed why any legalization of assisted dying would open a “Pandora’s box of nightmare scenarios”.

Sweet rapable girl

Sweet rapable girl

Times Online also reported that President Karzai of Afghanistan provoked international outrage last Thursday with draconian Taleban-era restrictions on women and laws that explicitly sanction marital rape. A leaked copy of the laws obtained by The Times details new strictures for Afghanistan’s Shia minority. Women are banned from leaving the home without permission. A wife has the absolute duty to provide sexual services to her husband, and child marriage is legalized. Opponents of the Afghan President accused him of selling out basic human rights for women in return for the votes of hardline Shia conservatives for the presidential election in August. The legislation is based on the Shia family code first brought before Parliament two years ago, to the horror of women legislators who make up more than a quarter of the assembly. Women MPs said that they had been powerless to challenge the passage of the Bill. “The majority of the men agreed to support the laws without any discussion,” said Azita Raffat, an MP from Badghis province. “The law says it is the right of men to have sex — even by force.”

Pioneer

Pioneer

Some people say that the new law which sanctions forced marriage of young girls and their subsequent rape accurately suits Darwinistic tendencies of nature and that confused moralists and Judeo-Christians have a twisted view of humankind that makes them think that all individuals should have rights and be afforded a modicum of dignity.

Assisted Suicide Toon“The strong survive and the weak perish.  Draconian rape and child marriage law, and Sharia law, these stem from religion and atheistic Darwinism and combine to form a perfect synergy of relativistic power-based control, as natural as the tsunami, the hurricane, and swarms of locusts,” said I.B. Humpin-Daley, a part time cleric and full time vagrant who likes Obama’s style and lack of substance.  “The pansy assed American religious types who say shit like ‘everyone is created equal and are endowed by their creator with inalienable rights like life, liberty and the pursuit of happiness’ are morons.  Their time has passed.  Obama has proven it by his approach to the leaders at the G-20.  He patted the Brit Queen on the ass and handed her an iPod, then went and bowed deeply and kissed the ring of the Saudi King.  He’s got this shit figured out. Muslim power and Sharia law are coming to America in the form of hope and change.  It’s about power baby, power.  And America is surrendering it to everybody else.  Why else would Hillary tell the Mexicans that their drug war was Americas problem, or Obama tell the G-20 that the worlds economic crisis was Americas fault?  He didn’t sit for 20 years with Jeremiah Wright’s anti-American diatribes and learn nothing you know.  Damn straight.  He’s acting on his beliefs.”

USA Sharia Law Pioneer

USA Sharia Law Pioneer

In other news, the New York Post reported on Thursday that President Obama has nominated Harold Koh to be the State Department’s legal advisor.  Koh believes that judges should interpret the U.S. Constitution according to other nations’ legal “norms.” And that Sharia law applies to disputes in US courts. He also says that the United States constitutes an “axis of disobedience” along with North Korea and Saddam-era Iraq. According to the Post Koh, a self-described “activist,” would plainly promote his views aggressively once at State. He’s not likely to feel limited by the letter of the law — in 1994, he told The New Republic: “I’d rather have [former Supreme Court Justice Harry] Blackmun, who uses the wrong reasoning in Roe [v. Wade] to get the right results, and let other people figure out the right reasoning.” No word on how he feels about raping young girls or killing healthy people but in this new era of hope and change, all bets are off.

(C) 2009 InebriatedPress.com

Source articles:

Journalists get shock with ‘sexy’ White House call
http://news.yahoo.com/s/afp/20090402/od_afp/uswhousenatomediasexoffbeat_20090402223328

Dignitas founder plans assisted suicide of healthy woman
http://www.timesonline.co.uk/tol/news/world/europe/article6021947.ece

President Karzai’s Taleban-style laws for women put troop surge at risk
http://www.timesonline.co.uk/tol/news/world/asia/article6025362.ece

OBAMA’S MOST PERILOUS LEGAL PICK
http://www.nypost.com/seven/03302009/postopinion/opedcolumnists/obamas_most_perilous_legal_pick_161961.htm?page=0

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Filed under Division of Rant (with Pretzels), Humor, Op-Ed

Liberals vs Conservatives

I recently asked my friend’s little girl what she wanted to be when she grows up. She said she wanted to be President some day.

Both of her parents, liberal Democrats, were standing there, so I asked her, “If you were President what would be the first thing you would do?” She replied, ‘I’d give food and houses to all the homeless people.’

Her parents beamed.

‘Wow…what a worthy goal.’ I told her, ‘But you don’t have to wait until you’re President to do that. You can come over to my house and mow the lawn, pull weeds, and sweep my yard, and I’ll pay you $50. Then I’ll take you over to the grocery store where the homeless guy hangs out, and you can give him the $50 to use toward food and a new house.’

She thought that over for a few seconds, then she looked me straight in the eye and asked, ‘Why doesn’t the homeless guy come over and do the work, and you can just pay him the $50?’

I said, ‘Welcome to the Republican Party.’

Her parents still aren’t speaking to me.

(C) 2009 InebriatedPress.com

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Filed under Humor, Op-Ed

Trafficking in Gypsy Girls, Aborted Fetus Organs, and Vodka

> Annual Gypsy Girls Bride Sale in Bulgaria
> Brit Stem Cell Expert says Ease Donor Shortage, Transplant Fetus Organs
> Illegal Vodka Accounts for Half of All Sales in Russia

Inebriated Press
March 16, 2009

For Sale

For Sale

The Daily Mail Online reported last week that thousands of teenage Roma girls were brought by their parents to an annual market in Bulgaria, where they hoped to find men willing to pay several thousand euros to buy a “bride”.  And the Daily Mail also reported that an Oxford stem cell expert says organs from late-term aborted fetuses should be used as transplants to help alleviate donor shortages.  Meanwhile, The St. Petersburg Times reported last week that illicit vodka sales is expected to account for nearly half of all vodka sold in Russia this year, as people look for less costly untaxed alcohol.  Some people say that there will be greater societal opportunities when old fashioned ethics and rule of law are aborted.

“The days of valuing life so highly that we waste the human organs of a not-yet human fetus are over and the days of buying booze legally and paying taxes are behind us.  It’s time we move forward with selling women for brides, and beheading each other if we have a disagreement and then selling off the parts for transplants or casseroles,” said Jeffrey Dahmer, a forward thinking intellectual and part-time chef, who was misunderstood by traditionalists and communicates through mediums today.  “The ideas that marriage needs to be between two people who meet and fall in love, or that working human organs somehow came from a working human being, or that booze should be traded through legal channels, is absurd, not to mention highly inefficient.  Let parents sell their kids in the open market, or sell their parts if they’d rather.  And let underground liquor producers sell their stuff without government inspection or taxation.  A totally free market economy would be less costly and provide new economic opportunity.  There may be a few people who die from poison booze or a girl who gets sold for parts who’d rather not, but hey, no system is perfect.”

Thumb sucking at 4.5 weeks, kid or organs?

Thumb sucking at 4.5 weeks, kid or organs?

Not everyone agrees with Dahmer.  “One of the struggles that every country faces is to maintain a good economy, a modicum of personal freedom and societal progress, while not creating a system that ultimately ends up being like Nazi Germany or Soviet Russia,” said Benjamin Franklin, an old school thinker who believes that freedom and commerce can work together successfully as long as individuals take some personal responsibility and behave themselves most of the time.  “If I could wave a magic wand and make all citizens ethical we’d cut the need for our expensive judicial system by at least 90 percent and eliminate most of the prisons, court houses, lawyers and other infrastructure.  Those systems act like a tax on the country, and the less moral the individuals are the more costly the economic burden.  Women and their parts should not be traded like so many tractors or their pieces — at any age.  And if a representative form of government has established taxation to pay for product inspection and so forth, then it’s acceptable.  However, over-taxation is wrong and a liquor tax should only pay for needed safety and not bureaucracy.  And let’s face it, if a kids parts work in someone else’s body then they’ll work in their own.  How can you call a late-term aborted fetus’ kidney a kidney only when it’s in somebody else’s body and not their own?  I mean really.  This is parsing both words and body parts in the worse possible way.”

On the market

On the market

The Daily Mail reported that thousands of teenage Roma girls dressed in their finest clothes and gold jewelry, were paraded around by their parents earlier this month – at an open-air brides market. “We take our daughters to this gathering so they could get acquainted with boys, for we do not allow our children to go to discos,’ explains Elena from Kapitan Andreevo. At the market  in the village of Mogila near Stara Zagora, the price of a beautiful young woman is said to be several thousand levs/euros. Younger siblings came along too to play and eat sweets while one newly-wed couple bellydanced on top of an old car to show their happiness at finding a match. Several wannabe-brides joined in, showing their eagerness to be married. The annual bride sale takes place each year on the first Saturday after the start of the orthodox Easter fast. This year the gathering attracted some 2,000 people who came from all over southern Bulgaria including Plovdiv, Pasardzhik, Sliven and Jambol.

7 month abortion; wasted parts

7 month abortion; wasted parts

The Daily Mail reported that Professor Sir Richard Gardner, an Oxford University stem cell expert, said fetal tissues may offer a more realistic solution to the lack of organs than other technologies being developed. Calling for studies into the feasibility of transplanting fetal organs, Sir Richard, an advisor to Britain’s fertility watchdog and the Royal Society, said he was surprised the possibility had not been considered. Sir Richard said: “It is probably a more realistic technique in dealing with the shortage of kidney donors than others.”  Professor Stuart Campbell added that many babies are aborted quite late, “and if they are going to be terminated, it is a shame to waste their organs”. Josephine Quintavalle, of Comment on Reproductive Ethics, described the proposal as ‘absolutely horrifying’. She said: “At what stage do you say to the woman who is to have an abortion, ‘Can we have some organs for transplant?’”

Vodka brands

Vodka brands

The St. Petersburg Times reported that the sale of illicit vodka is expected to account for nearly half of all vodka sales in Russia this year as people look for cheap, untaxed alcohol as their salaries shrink amid the economic crisis. In an early sign that illicit sales are already taking off, legal vodka production plunged by 21 percent in January, compared to January last year, the State Statistics Service said. Vodka production fell by 7.6 percent for all of 2008.  “Sales aren’t down, but production is falling,” said Pavel Shapkin, chairman of the National Alcohol Association. “This indicates that the state is losing to crime and the consumer is encountering products that are not properly regulated.” Vadim Drobiz, spokesman for the Union of Alcohol Market Participants said “more people choose to drink vodka at home now, like they did during the Soviet times.” The downturn is hitting the liquor stores that refuse to sell illegal products especially hard.

Some pundits say trading girls, organs and booze is fine as long as there’s proper regulation.

Buy or rent?

Buy or rent?

“Over the years I’ve gotten sick from bad booze, diseased hookers and some chicken organs I bought as a snack, and the reality is, if they were properly inspected and regulated there’s no risk to my health,” said Jon Doe, a roller skate rebuilder and occasional taxpayer.  “So I’m willing to buy or rent a bride, pay a booze tax and swap the parts of unborn children if they’re all certified healthy.  I suppose lopping the parts out of a kid will put a dent in their future, and maybe a gal who’s in sexual slavery won’t want to put out the way I want, but as long as it works for me most of the time, that’s all that matters.  Survival of the fittest and all that you know.  Of course when I’m down on my luck, I don’t want to be sold for parts or have my house taken away.  I’ll expect government to bail me out.  It’s all about me.  Let’s face it, that’s how we all are and should be.  Screw Benjamin Franklin and his freedom and personal responsibility bull shit.  I’d sign up with Hitler before Abraham Lincoln any day.  Adolph got things done.  He didn’t just patch a country together, he built the Third Reich.”

Heather with reshuffled parts; not cashed out

Heather with reshuffled parts; not cashed out

In other news, USA Today reported last week that Heather McNamara, 7, was discharged from a New York hospital Tuesday after a daring, high-risk operation last month in which doctors removed six vital organs so they could take out a baseball-sized tumor that had invaded her abdomen and threatened her life. Surgeons removed and chilled the child’s stomach, pancreas, spleen, liver and small and large intestines as they would for transplantation, so they could be restored after the tumor was taken out. The transplant specialist said the cancer had spread so widely that the girl’s stomach, pancreas and spleen couldn’t be saved. In place of her stomach, Kato’s team fashioned a pouch from intestinal tissue to hold food before it moves into the small intestine for digestion. The loss of her pancreas turned the child into a diabetic who will need insulin injections and digestive enzymes. “She’s doing fantastic,” her father, Joseph McNamara, of Islip Terrace, Long Island, said in an interview Monday as the two played Old Maid in her room at New York-Presbyterian Morgan Stanley Children’s Hospital.  No word on why he didn’t just sell off her good organs for a few bucks and cash her out.  Maybe he was suffering from some silly personal responsibility, or perhaps a bout of common decency.

(C) 2009 InebriatedPress.com

Source articles:

On the market: Teenage Gypsy girls glam up for annual bride sale
http://www.dailymail.co.uk/news/worldnews/article-1160669/On-market-Teenage-Gypsy-girls-glam-annual-bride-sale.html

Use aborted fetus organs in transplants, urges scientist
http://www.dailymail.co.uk/sciencetech/article-1161085/Use-aborted-foetus-organs-transplants-urges-scientist.html

Illegal Vodka Set to Account for Half of All Sales
http://www.times.spb.ru/index.php?action_id=2&story_id=28493

Miracle surgery: Girl ‘fantastic’ after 6 organs removed, 3 replaced
http://www.usatoday.com/news/health/2009-03-09-surgery-cancer_N.htm

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Filed under Division of Rant (with Pretzels), IP News, Op-Ed