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Top 10 badass movie guys

The Dude \ Den of  Geek

 

Get your affairs in order before getting into a spat with one of these fellas…

Published on May 7, 2009

10: Tony Montana – Scarface

Perhaps Mr. Montana should be higher on this list but there is just such a plethora of bad-asses to choose from I had to make room for others. The thing about Tony Montana is that he spends the entire movie being bad-ass, so there really isn’t any argument as to whether or not he should be on this list.  Of course if I were forced to pick one single moment that deems him worthy it would be that great final scene. Tony must know his world is about to come to an end so what does he do? He snorts some cocaine, and lots of it. Then he grabs his, uhh, “little friend” and says hello to his unwelcome guests. Tony then proceeds to blow a few of those guests to smithereens. Unfortunately for our Mr. Montana he runs out of bullets and, well, let’s just say he gets shot. But our hero is not done yet… Tony Montana gets back up and blows some more of his guests to smithereens. But really the thing that makes him so bad-ass is how he dies. It takes a double barreled shotgun from about five feet away to finally bring this guy down, and how does he fall? Into a freaking pool. Very dramatic, very beautiful, and well, very bad-ass.

9: Walter Sobchak – The Big Lebowski

Have you ever been bowling, saw another player’s toes cross the line and decided “Hey. I am going to pull a gun on that guy unless he marks it zero”. Not many people can say they have done that, but Walter Sobchak can say he has done that. Can you get a toe by 3 o’clock this afternoon? Walter Sobchak can. We all remember the scene where they interrogate the little kid and Walter walks outside the house, grabs a crowbar, and after smashing in the windows of a very nice car Walter yells out to the kid “This is what happens when you fuck a stranger in the ass!”. When I am sad and lonely I think of that moment and a smile will always stretch across my face. Thank you Walter Sobchak for just being so dang bad-ass.

8: Frank Lucas – American Gangster

Frank Lucas may not spend the entire movie being a bad-ass gangster but he has one defining moment that earns him the number eight spot on this list. Frank Lucas, drug lord and crime boss, is eating breakfast with his brothers and he just decides it is time to show everyone who is boss. He politely excuses himself from the table, leaving his brothers to watch what he is about to do. Frank walks casually up to a man who has disrespected him and, right in the middle of a sidewalk crawling with people, Frank Lucas shoots the man and walks casually back to the restaurant to finish his meal with his brothers. The guys got class. What a scene, what a bad-ass.

7: Sgt. Dignam – The Departed

You see this guy for maybe fifteen minutes during the whole movie, but as you walk away from the movie he is the one you are talking about. He grabs you right from the start and he never lets you go, you find yourself wishing they would have given him more screen time. He throws punches left and right, doesn’t give you a moment to think. I remember driving home from the movie theater after seeing The Departed and thinking to myself “huh”, because honestly I didn’t know what else to think. Dignam found a way to be bad-ass with the way he looked, talked, and even the way he moved. And then, right in the end, after everything that has happened, Dignam makes his presence in the movie unforgettable by showing up in the bad guy’s apartment and taking care of business. He even gives Matt Damon a moment to think before he ends his life. Dignam is a bad-ass with quality.

6: Al Capone – The Untouchables

This dude is just a bad-ass. Robert DeNiro couldn’t have done a better job portraying the most-respected man to come out of the 20s and 30s. Throw this movie in the DVD player next time you get the chance and just wait for that one scene. Capone walks cordially around the table talking about being a team and working together, only he is wielding a bat so something is bound to happen right? You can see it on all the bosses faces, they know its coming, but to whom? Well, then we find out, its that guy. That guy who gets his head smashed in about half a dozen times by Al Capone himself. Can you think of anything that sends shivers down your spine quicker? At least we know Mr. Capone got his point across.

5: Tommy DeVito – Goodfellas

I know I know, another gangster movie. I mean heck, another Scorsese movie, but what can I say, he knows how to create a bad-ass. Doesn’t it just eat you up inside whenever you think about Tommy? I know I get the chills if I sit down and watch this guy at work. Tommy is the kind of bad-ass who always means business. You don’t mess with him. You don’t even mess with messing with Tommy. You have to control yourself, a dirty word or look will get you six feet under even if you’ve been ‘Made’. No one wants to be Tommy, he isn’t that kind of bad-ass. He is the kind of bad-ass that we actually want to stay away from, simply because he is so bad-ass.

4: Walt Kowalski – Gran Torino

Walt Kowalski is a classic All-American Bad-Ass. Walt gets right in your face and says “Don’t fuck with me”. And the thing is, if you do mess with the old dude, something is going to happen. You’re not going to be happy with what happens. Walt makes you pay for your disrespect. Walt is the bad-ass that you respect, and if you don’t, well, you’ll see what happens. He knows the difference between right and wrong, honor and disrespect. He knows how to be a man. He will protect his family and his friends because that is the right thing to do. He just goes about it all very bad-ass. Walt’s just an old time, old fashioned, no-bullshit kinda guy.

3: Tyler Durden – Fight Club

What can be said about Tyler Durden? Expertly portrayed by Brad Pitt, Tyler climbs his way into our souls the moment we first lay eyes on him. Tyler becomes something that words cannot describe. Its just one of those things that you have to see. There is an unspoken bond between everyone who has seen him that no other character has ever created again. We all find ourselves looking in the mirror thinking what it would be like to be Tyler Durden. Tyler Durden is a force that we all know could be out there somewhere just doing whatever it is Tyler Durden does. 

2: T101 – The Terminator

Okay, this guy came from the future to kill a chick. Come on? Can Hollywood ask for anything more than that? If your front door crashes open tonight and The Terminator is standing there, what are you supposed to do? Run? Fight? Pray? I have no clue what I would do but I know it wouldn’t run or fight. The thing that makes Terminator so dangerously bad-ass is that NOTHING MATTTERS. He would never accept a bribe. Give him the information he wants or he will kill you, and even if you give it to him, he will probably kill you anyways. I just need to make sure there is something in my garage that can crush him, or a large vat or molten metal that I could ask him to lower himself into. But we’ll just have to wait and see what happens.

1: Anton Chigurh – No Country for Old Men

What would you compare Anton Chigurh to? The Bubonic Plague? What is this guy? The Ultimate Bad-Ass? Who knows where this guy came from? Who knows where this guy disappears to? Anton Chigurh is so bad-ass that even the guy who wrote the book that the movie is based on didn’t tell us anything about him. He just cannot be described, explained, studied, nothing. Anton Chigurh IS the Ultimate Bad-Ass. Anton Chigurh just IS. I would pick a fight with The Terminator before I picked a fight with Anton Chigurh, only because there is no such thing as a fight with Anton Chigurh. Thank you so much Coen brothers for this bad of a bad-ass, and you too Mr. Bardem. Thank you.

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Top 10 badass movie gals

The Dude \ Den of Geek

 

It’s when you’re not expecting to have your arse kicked that it hurts the most…

Published on May 7, 2009

10: Selene – Underworld

Selene is a vampire who defies her superiors, kills some werewolves…kills some more werewolves, then chops through the head of what is supposed to be the most powerful vampire, and does it all wearing what some might argue to be the best leather outfit ever. Selene is sexy and  bad-ass. What makes Selene so sexy and bad-ass? Well firstly, she is a vampire so that’s some major points right there. Also, she really knows how to use a gun, and I like that in a woman. Thirdly, she drives a wicked awesome car sooooo… Well, enough said.

9: Mulan – Mulan

I understand it may be a little iffy to include a Disney cartoon character on this list when there are other possible contenders but if we look at my favorite 2D bad-ass from the right angles there is some hard evidence as to how bas-ass she actually is. As a matter of fact, if this was a live action flick, Mulan would probably be higher, but it isn’t. Anyways, lets see…Mulan started off kinda easy, I mean she just stole her dad’s armor and ran off to fight a war and decided to call herself Ping. But then she dropped a MOUNTAIN ON THE HUNS. Then Mulan fell off a cliff and survived. And then, to top it all off, she defeated the most notorious villain in the East with his own sword and uhhh, saved all of China. And she did it all wearing a dress. Mulan, if my sons or daughters would turn out anything like you, I would gladly let you be the mother of my children.

8: Eowyn – LOTR Return of the King

Eowyn, not only are you a woman, but you are a bad-ass woman. You just bring so much to the table when you kill a Wraith King. You bring a woman with poise, grace, elegance, but most of all, you bring style. Little flick of the hair, little flash of the sword and Sauron’s main man is no more. You might even be higher on this list but, unfortunately for you, the rest of the time you spend on screen is fairly retarded and unenjoyable and we find ourselves wishing something else was happening. Luckily you have that one redeeming moment that earns you the title of bad-ass chick number seven. I’ll give you a call next time there is a Wraith King around that needs killing.

7: Abernathy, Kim, Lee, Zoë – Death Proof

I know this is more than one girl, but you can’t possibly classify them except as a group. I’d just like to mention that these girls would also make the list of girls who know how to Rock’N’Roll. I have never personally played a game of ship’s mast (the game where a girl uses belts to keep herself on the hood of a very fast-moving vehicle) but I am positive I wouldn’t do as well as Zoë does. I also don’t think I could handle getting thrown off the hood of that car by Stuntman Mike and then just jump right back into action. Oh, also I’m not a hot chick that carries a gun to shoot said Stuntman. Poor Stuntman Mike, he just wanted some fun. What did he get for his playfulness? Well, they shot him, destroyed his car, and then beat him to death with their bare hands! If there is one thing I have learned from this list its a greater respect for the average woman. Poor Stuntman Mike, he had to deal with multiple bad-ass chicks at the same time. Poor Stuntman Mike.

6: Cherry Darling – Planet Terror

Lets look at the facts. Cherry is a, uhhh, Exotic Dancer, and she uhh, well she loses her leg to a zombie. Cherry takes part in a sizzly, steamy, and sexy but short-lived scene with only one leg and plays pirate for most of the movie. But as much as I loved her peg leg I gotta say I enjoyed its replacement all the more. This is where her being bad-ass comes into play. Wait, have you ever seen Planet Terror? Well if you haven’t, go and rent it right now. Because in this movie, there is a girl who somehow attaches a large gun to her leg, and with this gun/leg she kills many-a-man. Its fairly bad-ass actually. She is riding backwards on a motorcycle so as to annihilate any would-be threats from behind and she is then thrown over a large wall and with her gun-leg she kills some more people. Its all very fantastically bad-ass.

5: Alice – Resident Evil

Genetically altered bad-asses aren’t your everyday bad-asses. They’re the ones you pit against large quantities of zombie creatures and expect to win, and Alice does not disappoint. She is extraordinarily pretty and manages to pull off packing more weapons than the Taliban with proficiency and skillfully-honed talent. Let’s discuss one scene in particular shall we? Okay here’s the scenario: bunch of helpless people inside a church are about to get eaten by some dog… thing. Well, the church has a large stained glass window which makes a perfect entrance for any bad-ass chick looking for a good entrance. So, naturally, Alice makes her entrance through the ornately painted window… on a motorcycle. Need I say more? Well, Alice then proceeds to kill the dog things with what appears to be ease and that’s all she wrote. All in a days work for this bad-ass.

4: Miho – Sin City

“Deadly little Miho, you won’t feel a thing if she doesn’t want you to.” These words are spoken respectfully of our number four bad-ass. First of all, Miho is Asian, which adds to her amount of bad-ass immensely. She pulls off the whole Asian assassin thing quite nicely. With Miho, its like this: I’m just not going to get involved with her. If I hear she is coming to town, I am going to leave. If I hear she is coming to dinner, I am going to leave. If I hear she is out to kill me, I am going to die. Although, on second thought, I’m fairly sure I wont hear about it if she is out to kill me. Remember when Miho kills all those guys in the Limo after leaping dramatically from the rooftops? More specifically however, remember when she kills the cop? What does he say about it? Oh yeah, “She doesn’t quite chop his head off, she makes a Pez dispenser out of him.”

3: Ellen Ripley – Alien

Ms. Ripley is one bad-ass chick. How many times does she have to look some crazy Alien Motherfucker in the face and kick its ass? Doesn’t Ellen die in one of the movies? And then doesn’t she come back to life? That’s something only one other gal on this list accomplishes throughout her time on the big screen. We can look at a number of different things that make Ellen Ripley deserving of this spot. Number 1: Ellen climbs into a big robot and decides it is time to bring the fight to the Alien instead of just running and hiding from it, and she kicks its ass. Number 2: Ellen fights an entire army of Aliens, and she opens up a can of whoop ass on them. Then doesn’t she use the Alien’s own acid to burn a hole in the glass and the Alien is sucked into space by a vortex through a hole about the size of a DVD? If all of those things combined don’t make her a bad-ass, I have no idea what does.

2: Beatrix Kiddo – Kill Bill Volumes 1 & 2

As I sat watching the credits roll after Kill Bill: Volume One, I turned to my buddy and said “Boy am I glad I’m not Bill.” I understand that the Crazy 88’s weren’t exactly 88 people, but, ARE YOU SERIOUS? And that crazy little girl with the ball and chain? I would’ve walked out right then and there, screw Bill. He isn’t worth it. But I guess its different when your nickname is Black Mamba and you belong to a secret organization of expert assassins. So then I see number two and things get even crazier. Beatrix amazes me every moment with the way she goes about her business. But most of all I like how she gets shot with a shotgun full of rock salt and gets buried alive. Moreso than that I like how she punches her way out of her coffin and climbs to the surface so as to continue her quest to kill Bill. Before she gets around to killing Bill she partakes in a pretty bad-ass chick fight and we all know how that ends. Elle is left confined in a trailer with the other kind of Black Mamba. The reptile kind. Oh, did I forget to mention that Elle is left in what is quite literally a blind rage? Of course Beatrix isn’t done yet. She still has to take care of Bill. After a bit of shenanigans on Bill’s part, our hero, Beatrix Kiddo, unleashes the ultimate weapon on her ultimate enemy: the ‘five-point-palm-exploding-heart’ technique. Needless to say, she kills Bill. Also, before all of this, she got shot in the head. Could she have been more bad-ass if she had tried? We will never know.

1: Sarah Connor – Terminator 2: Judgment Day

Simply put Sarah Connor is just a crazy bad-ass chick. Locked up in an insane asylum for who knows how long, she manages to beat the crap out of a bunch of dudes and take the doctor hostage. Sarah Connor is the kind of girl that knows what she is doing and what she is doing is kicking some ass. Running into strangers houses and shooting them and shooting at Terminators as they chase her down the street. Training her body and mind to repel the ever imminent machine take over and just all around looking like a bad-ass. She has a mission… survival. But really the thing that puts her at number one on this list actually takes place after she dies. Sarah Connor left the world a little present: A coffin full of weapons. Okay, that is BAD-ASS. Who the hell leaves a coffin full of weapons so that people can use them against the machines? Sarah Connor does. And that is why she is just so damn bad-ass. Thanks for the weapons Sarah.

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The Importance of Paying Attention

Inebriated Press \ Random Walk Division
April 16, 2009

walk-into-barA fellow walks into a bar, notices a very large jar on the counter, and sees that it’s filled to the brim with $10 bills. He guesses there must be more than ten thousand dollars in it.

He approaches the bartender and asks, ‘What’s with the money in the jar?’

‘Well… you pay $10 and if you pass three tests, you get all the money and the keys to a brand new Lexus.’

The man certainly isn’t going to pass this up. And so he asks, ‘What are the three tests?’

‘You must pay first… Those are the rules,’ says the bartender.

So, after thinking it over a while, the man gives the bartender the $10 and the bartender drops it into the jar.

‘Okay,’ the bartender says, ‘Here’s what you need to do:

First – You have to drink a whole quart of tequila, in a minute or less, and you can’t make a face while doing it.

Second – There’s a pit bull chained in the back with a bad tooth. You have to remove that tooth with your bare hands.

Third – There’s a 90-year old lady upstairs who’s never had sex… You have to take care of that problem!’

The man is stunned.

‘I know I paid my $10, but I’m not an idiot! I won’t do it! You’d have to be nuts to drink a quart of tequila, and then do all those other things…’

‘Your call,’ says the bartender… ‘But, your money stays where it is.’

As time goes on, and the man has a few more drinks, he finally says, ‘Where’s the damn tequila?’

He grabs the bottle with both hands and drinks it as fast as he can. Tears stream down both cheeks… but he doesn’t make a face, and he did it in fifty-eight seconds!

Next, he staggers out the back door, where he sees the pit bull chained to a pole.
Soon the people inside the bar hear growling, biting, and screaming sounds…
then nothing but silence!

Just when they think that the man surely must be dead he staggers back into the bar, with his shirt ripped open and there are scratches and he’s bleeding all over his body.

He says, ‘Now where’s the old woman with the bad tooth?’

The moral to the story:
Listen carefully to the directions, and don’t trust your judgment when alcohol is involved.

(C) 2009 InebriatedPress.com

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