Tag Archives: afghanistan

Miranda Rights for Terrorists, Pocket Knife Bans for Americans, and Men Reject Centerfolds for Miss Average

> Obama Administration Orders U.S. Miranda rights for Afghan Combatants
> Obama Administration’s New Rules would Ban Legal Pocketknives in U.S.
> Researchers say Men Prefer Regular Women over Playboy Models

Inebriated Press \ Division of Rant (with Pretzels)
June 15, 2009

Hope and Change Baby

Hope and Change Baby

The Weekly Standard reported Wednesday that the Obama Justice Department has ordered FBI agents to read Miranda rights to high value detainees captured and held at U.S. detention facilities in Afghanistan.  This means they get the same rights as an American arrested for speeding on a U.S. street, and can have a government attorney defend them if they want one.  And WorldNetDaily reported Tuesday that the U.S. Customs and Border Protection Agency is proposing a new definition that could be used to eliminate 8 of 10 legal pocketknives in the United States.  Meanwhile, the Herald Sun reported Friday that researchers have found that men think real women come closest to the ideal body shape rather than the figures of Playboy centerfolds.  Pundits debate why Obama is giving terrorists rights and taking them away from Americans, while men at Inebriated Press exercise their right to hook up with the girls-next door.

Average Jane for Average Joe

Average Jane for Average Joe

“I like my women silicon-free, smart and nice and not so into themselves that they think they have to look like a Playboy chick or act like Paris Hilton in order to get a date.  I also like my pocketknives long and easy to open, and terrorists who try to kill Americans put on a waterboard if it’ll help our cause.  Okay so I’m not cut from the same cloth Obama or Hugh Hefner is — I’m actually happy about that,” said Joe Shmo-Studd, a commodities trader and part-time bouncer down at Susie’s Regular Girl and Regular Guy Beer Emporium.  “Obama said he loved America and wanted to change it, and by damn he’s changing it alright.  I wonder what he loved about it?  Obviously it’s not the individual freedom and opportunity provided to regular Americans.  He’s taking away our freedoms, giving unjustified rights to terrorists, and mortgaging several generations’ futures by spending money we don’t have.  I’m praying that the Republican Party get’s it’s shit together and behaves like Reagan did, and can take Congress back next year.  I like regular women, regular knives and common sense that favor Americans in combat.  It’s not complicated.  It shouldn’t be complicated.  Liberal philosophy that hurts Americans and helps its enemy’s is bullshit.  Obama really believes the anti-American crap his pals Bill Ayers and Rev. Jeremiah Wright were dishing out.  The proof’s in his actions.  They speak way louder than his words.”

Can't compete with Average

Can't compete with Average

Not everyone agrees with Shmo-Studd.  “Barack Obama is doing what’s right by leveling the playing field in the world and making the globe a better, fairer and more equitable place.  Soon America’s economy will be at a third world country level and it’ll be ruled by an old-school Latin American styled dictatorship.  This is outstanding,” said some anti-American asshole recently appointed to the Obama Justice Department — or maybe it was a new Supreme Court Justice, I forget, they all act the same.  “As someone a lot like a left-wing Latino woman I’d explain how this benefits all Americans, but you’re probably just some white guy, or know of one, so you couldn’t understand because you lack the intellectual capacity derived from the experience I have of just being me.  You poor dumb bastard.  You probably think individual freedom, personal responsibility and the U.S. Constitution are useful.  You’re way behind the eight ball.  Not even close.  I’d pity you but we liberal intellectuals don’t really give a shit about anyone but ourselves.  At least the enlightened ones don’t.”

Beheading in War like binge drinking in Kansas

Beheading in War like binge drinking in Kansas

The Weekly Standard reported that the Obama Justice Department has quietly ordered FBI agents to read Miranda rights to high value detainees captured and held at U.S. detention facilities in Afghanistan, according to a senior Republican on the House Intelligence Committee. “The administration has decided to change the focus to law enforcement. Here’s the problem. You have foreign fighters who are targeting US troops today — foreign fighters who go to another country to kill Americans. We capture them and they’re reading them their rights — Mirandizing these foreign fighters,” says Representative Mike Rogers, who recently met with military, intelligence and law enforcement officials on a fact-finding trip to Afghanistan. The FBI and Justice Department plan to significantly expand their role in global counter-terrorism operations, part of a U.S. policy shift that will replace a CIA-dominated system of clandestine detentions and interrogations with one built around transparent investigations and prosecutions.

Obama montageAmericans are familiar with the Miranda warning — so named because of the landmark 1966 Supreme Court case Miranda v. Arizona that required police officers and other law enforcement officials to advise suspected criminals of their rights: “You have the right to remain silent. Anything you say can and will be used against you in a court of law. You have the right to speak to an attorney, and to have an attorney present during any questioning. If you cannot afford a lawyer, one will be provided for you at government expense.” Republicans on Capitol Hill are not happy. “When they mirandize a suspect, the first thing they do is warn them that they have the ‘right to remain silent,'” says Representative Pete Hoekstra, the ranking Republican on the House Intelligence Committee. “It would seem the last thing we want is Khalid Sheikh Mohammed or any other al-Qaeda terrorist to remain silent. Our focus should be on preventing the next attack, not giving radical jihadists a new tactic to resist interrogation–lawyering up.”

Banned for your protection

Banned for your protection

WorldNet Daily reported that the U.S. Customs and Border Protection Agency is proposing a new definition that could be used to eliminate 8 of 10 legal pocketknives in the United States right now, according to activists who are gearing up to fight the plan. The federal bureaucracy is accepting comments – written only – that must be received by June 21 before its planned changes could become final, and Doug Ritter of KnifeRights.org, said the implications of the decision would be far-reaching, since many state and federal agencies depend on the agency’s definitions to determine what is legal in the United States. Ritter said the effect of the proposed change would be that the new design in knives, many of which contain a tiny spring to help the user pull open the blade and lock it into position, would be classified alongside those true weapons where the user just presses a button and the blade is ejected. “They are saying that any knife that you can open quickly or any knife that you can open with one hand is therefore a switchblade,” Ritter told WND. Ritter suggested that up to 80 percent of the pocketknives sold in America today either are one-handed opening knives or so-called assisted opening knives – and they all suddenly would be classified as illegal switchblades.

Regular gals kick Playboy's ass; no wonder Playboy's broke

Regular gals kick Playboy's ass; no wonder Playboy's broke

The Herald Sun reported that far from idolizing slender models, it seems gentlemen actually prefer Miss Average. It turns out that while women turn to plastic surgery or fad diets to get the “perfect” body of supermodels and centerfolds, men find the girl next door more appealing. Most attractive of all is Miss Average who stands at 163cm, with a 76cm waist and 102cm hips, a study found. Researchers asked 100 male students to rate the attractiveness of more than 200 drawings of female torsos of different sizes. They then compared those considered most attractive with the vital statistics of eight groups, including models, Playboy centerfolds and typical members of the population. The real women came closest to the ideal body shape identified in the first part of the study. And the most appealing measured equivalent to a size 14. Curvy women were also judged more appealing than either athletic types or long-legged, big-chested “Barbies”.

Drunk babes prep for Miranda rights

Drunk babes prep for Miranda rights

In other news, Metro reported Thursday that binge drinking used to affect men more frequently but now women are downing nearly as much alcohol. More than two-fifths of all 16 to 24-year-old women questioned in a study admitted going over recommended booze limits at least one day a week. “As a result, the number of young women drinking more than the recommended daily limit has now reached a similar level to that of young men,” according to the Office of National Statistics. No word on whether women who binge drink like pocketknives or if they prefer looking like the girl-next-door, but if they’re driving home drunk you can bet they know all about Miranda rights.  Or will real soon.

(C) 2009 InebriatedPress.com

Source articles:

Not Right
The Obama administration grants Miranda rights to detainees in Afghanistan.
http://www.weeklystandard.com/Content/Public/Articles/000/000/016/605iidws.asp

Obama move would eliminate 8 of 10 pocketknives
‘If this were to pass and you cross the state line with one, it’s a felony’
http://wnd.com/index.php?fa=PAGE.view&pageId=100679

Men reject centerfolds for Miss Average
Far from idolizing slender models, it seems gentlemen actually prefer Miss Average.
http://www.news.com.au/story/0,27574,25623858-36398,00.html

Female binge drinkers matching men
Binge drinking used to affect men more frequently but now women are downing nearly as much alcohol.
http://www.metro.co.uk/news/article.html?Female_binge_drinkers_matching_men&in_article_id=683888&in_page_id=34

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Filed under Division of Rant (with Pretzels), Humor, IP News

Michael Phelps Gold Metal Sex, Taliban Poisoning Afghan School Girls, and Obama’s Attack on Hulu

> Stripper says Sex with Phelps lasted Three Hours
> Afghan Girls Poisoned in School by Extremists
> Obama Administration may bring Antitrust action against Hulu.com

Inebriated Press
May 13, 2009

Michael "Stamina" Phelps

Michael "Stamina" Phelps

The New York Post reported on Sunday that a stripper, who claims to have had a threesome with gold medalist Michael Phelps, says he has tremendous stamina and that sex lasted for about three hours.  And Associated Press reported on Tuesday that at least 84 Afghan schoolgirls were admitted to a hospital in the third poison attack in three weeks on a girl’s school, and some believe its being done by the Taliban or other “conservative” extremist groups who oppose girl’s education.  Meanwhile, Breitbart reported Monday that Hulu’s runaway success over the last year and the number of exclusive agreements it has struck, is resulting in attacks by many media commentators using antitrust language.  Given that President Obama has said he wants to strengthen antitrust law in the U.S., and wants more scrutiny of media, many believe it won’t be long until the U.S. Department of Justice begins antitrust action against Hulu.  Some pundits are trying to create a new nonprofit organization committed to helping Afghan women become highly educated, while enjoying movies on Hulu and having marathon sex. 

Someone named Melanie

Someone named Melanie

“At some point a person has to take a stand against the oppression of a young woman’s right to an education, against attacks on successful private enterprise like Hulu, and in favor of programs that result in hours of legalized sexual gratification.  And that’s why I’m organizing the ‘Hot-n-Heavy Web University Trust Fund and Skin Care Foundation’,” said Melanie Fulmetal-Jackette, a corporate executive and part-time stripper down at the Blue Steel Dance and Ammo Club.  “It’s time that everyone who claims to have a rational brain either fight Al Qaeda and the Taliban and kill them all and free the women to new opportunities; or fund groups like mine that are committed to helping oppressed women obtain good educations, get free access to Internet movies and have frequent orgasms through sex that works for them.  Oh, and a little skin care advice too, you can’t let stuff like that to chance.”

Undeserving of education and sex?

Undeserving of education and sex?

Not everyone agrees with Fulmetal-Jackette.  “Women are the property of all enlightened male members of the Taliban, and as such, are subject to our wishes and demands that they remain stupid and ignorant and do what we say.  As far as Hulu goes, all video entertainment should be banned with the exception of an occasional report from Osama bin Laden, or maybe a video of Taliban elders having sex with little girls they’ve forced to be their wives, but we don’t want to talk a lot about that because it makes our daughters irrationally nervous,” said Imum Sicsumbitch, a Taliban elder and one of several Sicsumbitch’s leading the movement.  In fact he proudly belongs to a line that includes several generations of Sicsumbitch’s who have passed their belief system down to him.  “And sex is whatever we say it is.  Women shouldn’t enjoy sex, but Taliban men need to have it as often as possible and have many wives so we can increase in number so there will be more Sicsombitch’s throughout the Middle East ruling other men and stopping the education and pleasure of women.  When we have destroyed the West, then there will finally be peace and proper rule on earth.  We are so glad that Obama has declared an end to the war on terror.  We knew the infidels would give up eventually.  Soon all women in the world will be denied educations, the way god intended.”

Phelps catching his breath during sex marathon

Phelps catching his breath during sex marathon

The New York Post reported that Michael Phelps deserves another gold medal – for stamina in the sack, according to a stripper who claims she had a threesome with the swim champ. “The sex lasted for about three hours,” Baltimore stripper Theresa White told Britain’s News of the World. “Michael should get another Olympic gold for marathon love-making!”  White, 25, claims Phelps invited her and some of her lap-dancing pals to his apartment, and that’s where the action allegedly took a kinky turn after two hours of drinking. White said she approached Phelps for a three-way: “He told me he’d never had one before but said it would be with me and then pointed at another girl. “Everybody else stayed put while we went upstairs and jumped into bed,” she said. A rep for Phelps did not return messages seeking comment.

Taliban going clubbing with women

Taliban going clubbing with women

The Associated Press reported that at least 84 schoolgirls in Charikar, Afghanistan were admitted to a hospital Tuesday for headaches and vomiting in the third apparent poison attack on a girl’s school in as many weeks, officials and doctors said. The students were lining up outside their school in northeastern Afghanistan on Tuesday morning when a strange odor filled the school yard, and one girl collapsed, said the school’s principal, who was herself in a hospital bed gasping for breath as she described the event. It was unclear if the incident was a deliberate attack on the school, though the Taliban and other conservative extremist groups in Afghanistan, who oppose girl’s education, have been known to target schoolgirls. The attack comes one day after 61 schoolgirls and one teacher from a school in neighboring Parwan province were admitted to a hospital after complaining of sudden illness. They were irritable, confused and weeping, and several of the girls passed out. Under the Taliban’s 1996-2001 regime, girls were not allowed to attend school. Though it was unclear if the recent incidents were the result of attacks, militants in the south have previously assaulted schoolgirls by spraying acid in their faces and burning down schools to protest the government. “I’m going to be scared when I go back to school. What if we die?” said a startled looking 11-year-old, Tahira, from her hospital bed. 

HuluBreitbart reported that as is sadly the case for all good things, the video website Hulu.com may well come under attack by the government, specifically in the form of antitrust action by the Obama administration. Socialism’s great horde of media apologists has begun a strong drumbeat calling for the U.S. government to go after Hulu, the immensely and increasingly successful source of online streaming media content. Cord Blomquist of the Competitive Enterprise Institute documents the socialists’ campaign for a government attack on Hulu in an excellent article at the Technology Liberation Front website. “Many media commentators are already using the kind of language we associate with past media antitrust cases,” Blomquist notes. “Hulu’s runaway success over the last year and its growing number of exclusivity agreements mean that it could see some of the added scrutiny that Mr. Obama believes is necessary in the world of media.  Of course, there are thousands of arguments as to why an actual antitrust case would lack any real merit—the availability of media in other formats such as broadcast or DVD, the number of non-exclusive deals Hulu has signed, the low barriers to entry and low costs for others to offer similar streaming video services—yet these arguments have failed to impress judges and administrations in the past.

Rahm Emanuel's bro, Ezekiel, health care advisor

Rahm Emanuel's bro, Ezekiel, health care advisor

In other news, Politico reported Monday that President Obama’s promise of changing Washington hasn’t extended to banishing the age-old practice of giving plum posts to relatives of your top supporters — as he’s done with the relatives of a half-dozen well-connected Democrats. They’re well-known names in Democratic politics — Kerry, Clyburn, Hamilton, Gregoire, Mikva and Emanuel — but have received little attention. There are federal nepotism laws barring public officials from hiring relatives in their agency or area of jurisdiction, but Obama has not instituted any specific ethics rules regarding the relatives of other prominent officials. Ethics advocates urged the president to be cautious.  No word on why Obama should be cautious about this when he spends tax dollars with reckless abandon and is casually removing post-9-11 strategy that has kept us safe for the last eight years, but, if we can figure out how we can all have marathon sex maybe we can ignore bothersome common sense stuff.

(C) 2009 InebriatedPress.com 

Source articles:

PHELPS ‘IN MARATHON SEX ROMP’
http://www.nypost.com/seven/05102009/news/nationalnews/phelps_in_marathon_sex_romp_168587.htm

Afghan girls hospitalized in apparent poisoning
http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/30681708/

Hulu.com May Be Target of Antitrust Attack
http://bighollywood.breitbart.com/stkarnick/2009/05/11/hulucom-may-be-target-of-antitrust-attack/

Family ties aid Obama applicants
http://www.politico.com/news/stories/0509/22347.html

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Filed under Humor, IP News

Bad Economy, Good Sex; Two Weeks Until Al Qaeda goes Nuclear; Male Baseball Players use Women’s Fertility Drugs

> Recession drives stay-at-home ‘entertainment’, baby boom
> Islamic extremists two weeks from control of Pakistani nukes
> MLB player Manny Ramirez suspended for using hCG, a female fertility drug

Inebriated Press
May 11, 2009

Home entertainment

Home entertainment

USA Today reported last Thursday that bad times in the boardroom can make for good times in the bedroom. People are having sex, and a lot of it. Obstetrician’s say the recession has spawned a new baby boom as people stay at home evenings and horse around.  And Human Events reported Wednesday that General David Petraeus, commander of America’s Central Command, said Pakistan may be just two weeks from falling to Islamic extremists.  Meanwhile, New York Daily News reported Thursday that Dodgers slugger Manny Ramirez received a 50-game suspension from Major League Baseball (MLB) for using the banned substance, hCG, a female fertility drug also used as a poststeroid cycle treatment.  Some pundits say Manny only used women’s fertility drugs because the economy is weak and he wants to ovulate before Al Qaeda goes nuclear. 

Someone named Ashton

Someone named Ashton

“You can’t blame a guy who’s sexually confused and wants to get in on the baby boom before Al Qaeda gets the bomb and starts blowing up shit.  Manny would never take drugs to enhance his athletic ability or use women’s med’s to hide steroid use, it’s all about getting knocked up somehow,” said Ashton Blindd-Eyee, a gardener and baseball fanatic who loves illusion and smokes the stuff he grows.  “Now if you’ll excuse me I’ve got to get home and hop in the sack with my wife.  The economy has us spending more time at home in bed together.  This recession is the best thing that’s ever happened to me.”

Lacy, so to speak

Lacy, so to speak

Not everyone buys what Blindd-Eyee is smoking.  “Manny was getting an edge from steroids and using the fertility drugs to mask it; anyone not on mind-altering drugs understands that.  And Islamic terrorists will probably have nukes in the near future, because Obama will just have a chat and encourage them to be nice and not try to stop them.  This is hope and change?  I’m not sure this is what we signed on for,” said Lacy Mae-Maelstrom, a conservative Democrat and landscape designer, currently reconsidering her smoking choices and political party affiliation.  “It’s time the U.S. stop trying to become a western European pacifist and start behaving like a Reagan Democrat. I may want to legalize drugs and prostitution, but I also want a strong defense and tougher immigration laws so Hamas isn’t bringing nukes into the U.S. across the Mexican or Canadian border.  We’ve got to get practical about protecting ourselves as well as having a good time.  I admit the recessionary sex has been great, but it’s not changing my mind about the need for strong birth control or a strong national defense.”

Warriors’ against Recession Depression

Warriors’ against Recession Depression

USA Today reported that recession ‘entertainment’ may beget a new baby boom. It happens a lot during hurricanes and blizzards. People spend more time at home. They don’t venture out, which means they end up entertaining themselves any way they can. Now, during a struggling economy, it’s happening again. Bad times in the boardroom, it seems, can make for good times in the bedroom. Obstetrician Natalie Leibensperger knows this firsthand, judging from the recent baby boom she’s seeing. People are having sex, and a lot of it. “You’ve lost your job, or you’ve lost your house, and you’re having to cut back on everything. You’re not going to go to the movies or go out to dinner,” she says. Leibensperger has seen as many as 23 new patients in a week, all of them pregnant. More women are sitting in her waiting room these days with round bellies and lots of questions. “They’re probably having sex more, not having outside activities that they’re doing instead,” Leibensperger said. “It brings people closer together. It’s a huge stress relief for them.”  For the most part, Leibensperger says, with all the negativity that comes with a bad economy, people just want to feel good. Having sex, she said, is great for the body. It decreases depression, improves sleep and is good for overall well-being, she adds.

Al Qaeda's dream for you and me

Al Qaeda's dream for you and me

Human Events reported that General David Petraeus (commander of America’s Central Command, which covers all U.S. forces in the Middle East and south Asia), reportedly said Pakistan may be just two weeks from falling to Islamic extremists. Petraeus’ statement is based on current operations — the stuff reported in the press — and secret signal and human intelligence which expose the enemy’s true plans. Those secrets coupled with a disastrous set of circumstances apparently convinced Petraeus the Taliban intends to quickly consume Pakistan. Petraeus’ pessimism is understandable. Pakistan’s government has shown weakness when dealing with the Taliban, a radical Islamist enemy allied with al-Qaeda. Pakistan naively surrendered land for Taliban promises of peace that were quickly broken. Now, the insurgents are methodically transforming Pakistan into an Islamic camp. The extremists are closing on the capital and promise to continue their march until all Pakistan falls.

New owners: Taliban?

New owners: Taliban?

Pakistan is home to more than 12,000 madrassas — Islamic schools — which for more than 20 years have fed and housed hundreds of thousands of children while pushing a militant brand of Islam. Madrassas offer no instruction beyond the memorizing of the Koran, creating a widening pool of young minds that are sympathetic to militancy. Police in Punjab, Pakistan’s largest province, say more than two-thirds of suicide bombers had attended madrassas. That’s why Ibn Abduh Rehman, who directs the Human Rights Commission of Pakistan, warned “We are at the beginning of a great storm that is about to sweep the country.” Pakistan has 60-100 atomic weapons and ballistic and cruise missiles. With extremists running Islamabad, the Afghan war would expand to include Pakistan and quite likely morph into a broader regional war that includes India. It’s doubtful the U.S. and NATO will commit more forces to a Central Asian region-wide war. This could become justification to quit Afghanistan and bring our forces home and accept the consequences, such an atomic missile armed al-Qaeda. Pakistan is a bomb, the fuse is burning and as Petraeus has said, time is short.

MLB on steroidsNew York Daily News reported that Los Angeles Dodgers slugger Manny Ramirez was hit with a 50-game suspension last Thursday by Major League Baseball (MLB) after tests revealed unnatural levels of a banned substance in his body, and a subsequent MLB investigation found that he used the banned female fertility drug human chorionic gonadotrophin, or hCG. The suspension served notice to players and the public that baseball’s superstars are not immune from the penalties of its drug policy and that MLB will aggressively pursue drug cheats, well beyond positive drug tests. Under MLB’s policy, a player with a medical condition that warrants use of a banned substance can apply through MLB doctors for a temporary use exemption (TUE): Ramirez, however, does not have a “TUE.”

Some people say we should have seen this stuff coming.

Someone named Heather

Someone named Heather

“So the Taliban lied to the Pakistani’s and now want to take over their country, are you surprised by that?  And people are using the recession as an excuse to have sex more, does that amaze you?  Or how about the news that baseball players are cheating by taking illegal drugs to enhance their performance; didn’t see that coming, right?” said Heather Hott-Irony, a sensuous metal worker with common sense oozing out of her like butter in the sun, and occasionally just as sweet and sticky.  “Come on, pull your head out of your ass and get some fresh air.  You want to stop terrorists, nuke the bastards before they nuke you.  You want to stop steroid use in baseball, ban the users and erase their records.  You want to avoid pregnancy during recessionary sex, use protection.  For crying out loud, what kind of idiots have we become?  Oh that’s right, we elected a community organizer with no governing or business experience to run our f***ing country.  Shit, we have become a nation of morons — at least the 53% who voted for Obama are.  Son of a bitch.  Where’s Reagan now that we need him.  Lucky bastard’s in heaven.  If Al Qaeda gets the bomb, we’ll probably all be joining him soon.”

Make big money on eBay selling priceless information!

Make big money on eBay selling priceless information!

In other news, the U.K. Daily Mail reported Thursday that top secret details of a U.S. military missile air defense system were found on a second-hand hard drive bought on eBay. The test launch procedures were found on a hard disk for the THAAD (Terminal High Altitude Area Defense) ground to air missile defense system, used to shoot down Scud missiles in Iraq. The disk also contained security policies, blueprints of facilities and personal information on employees including social security numbers, belonging to technology company Lockheed Martin – who designed and built the system. British researchers found the data while studying more than 300 hard disks bought at computer auctions, computer fairs and eBay. No word on how the U.S. plans to keep terrorists from getting nukes when they can’t stop themselves from giving away top secrets, but at least the recessionary sex has been good.

(C) 2009 InebriatedPress.com

Source articles:

Recession ‘entertainment’ may beget new baby boom
http://www.usatoday.com/news/health/2009-05-07-economy-sex_N.htm

Two Weeks Left in Pakistan
http://www.humanevents.com/article.php?id=31742

Dodger’s slugger Manny Ramirez gets 50-game suspension from MLB for using banned substance
http://www.nydailynews.com/sports/baseball/2009/05/07/2009-05-07_source_dodgers_slugger_manny_ramirez_tests_positive_for_banned_substance.html

Computer hard drive sold on eBay ‘had details of top secret U.S. missile defense system’
http://www.dailymail.co.uk/news/article-1178239/Computer-hard-drive-sold-eBay-details-secret-U-S-missile-defence-system.html

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Donkey ‘Suicide’ Bombers, Sex on the Queens Lawn, and Couple Dodges Tricky Incest Problem

> Detonating Donkey’s Near Soldiers, Latest Tactic in Afghanistan
> Couple Arrested Having Sex on Windsor Castle Lawn
> Brother and Sister Marry, Discover They’re Not Really Related

Inebriated Press
May 4, 2009

Relatives, on your lawn?

Relatives, on your lawn?

The Times Online reported Thursday that the latest “suicide” bombing tactic in Afghanistan, is blowing up donkey’s laden with explosives and tethered on roadsides, when military vehicles pass.  And the Telegraph reported Thursday that a couple was arrested after being caught having sexual intercourse on the Queen’s lawn outside Windsor Castle. Meanwhile, MosNews reported Wednesday that police are looking for a brother and sister who ran away from home and got married after learning that they were not relatives by blood.  Pundits are debating the nature of freedom, sex and death.

Someone named Linda

Someone named Linda

“The couple arrested having sex on the lawn chose to do that, just like the brother and sister who chose to have sex and eventually get married — the blood relationship was learned late in that game, but the choices were still theirs.  But the donkeys that are getting blown to bits are not freely making the choice, so they’re not technically ‘suicide bombers’. Suicide involves the decision to end ones own life and the donkey’s aren’t included in the decision making process,” said Lusty Linda Doubletoe-Loop, an ice skating stripper, who hates the name her parents gave her, but tries to live up to it.  “Freedom to chose who you have sex with and where, and when to blow yourself up and where, are important freedoms that shouldn’t be taken away by the police, the State, or one’s parents.  Freedom to be a donkey mating its cousin and not being blown up, should be that animals right.  And freedom for brothers and sisters to have sex on the lawn at Windsor Castle is also a right that people should have.  Freedom of the individual is a natural right and should not be controlled as though it’s granted by society or a government.  Now if you’ll excuse me, I have a date with my brother and a donkey.  Don’t look at me so strange, this is about freedom.”

Someone named Deidre

Someone named Deidre

Not everyone agrees with Doubletoe-Loop.  “You want to blow up a donkey, blow up a donkey.  Just don’t be blowing up donkey’s that don’t belong to you, or killing people who don’t want to be killed.  And as far as sex between relatives and on the lawns of kings or queens goes, it’s wrong.  At the very least, for genetic reasons you shouldn’t have sex with relations; and for propriety’s sake, let alone the private property issue, you can’t be having sex on other peoples lawns in broad daylight,” said Deidre McMilkshake, a hot Irish dairy executive who thrives on regulatory concepts and other restrictive things, some of which involve leather.  “Individuals have no rights not granted to them by the State or governing authority.  Freedom without restraint is chaos. An orderly society requires restrictions, laws, rules.  Without rule of law, no economy can be developed, and society is mere menagerie.  On a personal level, I’ve found that the tighter and more restrictive I wear my clothes, the more power I have — especially over men.  Silicon properly installed and barely constrained behind leather is like lightening in a bottle.  Like chaos on a leash.  Don’t tell me that harnessed energy can’t be channeled for societies good, and mine too.  Watch me out on a Saturday night if you still have doubts.”

Donkey's are dangerous

Donkey's are dangerous

The Times Online reported that a senior British Army officer and six other military personnel survived attack when a tethered donkey laden with explosives was detonated as their armored vehicle passed in southern Afghanistan. The huge explosion showered the soldier standing on “top cover” out of the Mastiff’s turret with donkey entrails and blood, and the sight was so gruesome that the rest of those in the vehicle thought he had been mortally wounded in the blast. Troops in Afghanistan have been attacked by a boy with a wheelbarrow full of explosives and a bicycle with a bomb attached, but the explosion south of Garmsir in southern Helmand province is thought to be the first using tethered livestock.

Keep off the grassThe Telegraph reported that a couple were arrested after being caught having sexual intercourse on the Queen’s lawn outside Windsor Castle. The pair, in their early thirties, stripped on a private grass bank at the castle, where Her Majesty was in residence. They were watched by crowds of tourists beneath the castle’s Garter Tower, in full view of hotels, pubs and shops over the road. Several Japanese tourists filmed the couple for up to twenty minutes before they were arrested by armed Royal Protection Squad officers. Witness Mark Robinson, 44, said: “One window from the guardroom opened up and when a soldier saw what was going on he told his mates – and lots of windows opened. The couple did not care who was looking and just kept going as if they were in their own bedroom. They even ignored the Please Keep Off The Grass signs.”

Happily married.

Happily married.

MosNews reported that police are looking for the brother and sister who ran away from home and got married after learning that they were not relatives by blood. Their parents, well-off residents of Smolensk city in Central Russia, adopted the boy as a baby when their own daughter was five years old, and never told the son he was adopted. The two seemed to have feelings for each other since childhood. As they grew, the emotional relationship between the brother and sister became obvious to family and friends, and the parents became even more determined not to reveal the truth. Finally, when they were already 20 and 25 years old, the two learned the truth from one of the neighbors, and realized nothing was keeping them apart. When they revealed their intentions to the parents, it provoked a massive row, and the next day they were gone.

She can kick your ass

She can kick your ass

In other news, Associated Press reported Wednesday that Los Angeles County sheriff’s Deputy Michael Rust says a Quartz Hill girl was walking to school April 24 when two men approached her from behind, tried to grab her coat and demanded money. Instead, one got a punch in the nose and the other a kick to the groin. Rust says the girl then beat both of them with her band baton before she ran away. The men had not been caught. But Rust says there’s a clear message to take from the encounter: “The moral to this story is don’t mess with the marching band girls, or you just might get what you deserve.”  No word on how the girl feels about terrorists who blow up donkeys, or couples who have sex on Windsor Castle’s lawn, but she sounds like the type who won’t take shit from anyone, so I’ll bet she has an opinion and it probably makes sense.

(C) 2009 InebriatedPress.com

Source articles:

Donkey ‘suicide’ bombing is latest tactic against patrols
http://www.timesonline.co.uk/tol/news/uk/article6194874.ece

Sex on Queen’s lawn at Windsor Castle
http://www.telegraph.co.uk/news/uknews/5248440/Sex-on-Queens-lawn-at-Windsor-Castle.html

Russian couple happy to find out it’s not incest
http://mosnews.com/society/2009/04/29/incest/

Girl Beats Off Muggers With Marching Band Baton
http://www.theindychannel.com/news/19328026/detail.html

Comments Off on Donkey ‘Suicide’ Bombers, Sex on the Queens Lawn, and Couple Dodges Tricky Incest Problem

Filed under Humor, IP News

Track People in Real-Time for Just $10 a Month, Make a Robber your Sex-Slave, and Stone Women Who Disagree with Your Right to Rape Them

> New GPS service tracks people for you, reminds them you’re watching
> Thief caught in business, fed Viagra, made a sex-slave
> Afghan women protest legalized rape, get pelted with stones

Inebriated Press
April 17, 2009

Big brotherCNet News reported Wednesday that AT&T is offering a new service that allows people to track the location of any cell phone on AT&T’s network from a mobile phone or PC.  And Russia Today reported Tuesday that a hairdresser from the Russian town of Meshchovsk subdued a man who tried to rob her shop, then fed him Viagra and raped him for three days in the utility room.  Meanwhile, MSNBC reported Wednesday that a group of some 1,000 Afghans swarmed a demonstration of 300 women protesting against a law legalizing marital rape, and threw stones at them while chanting “Death to the slaves of the Christians!”.  Inebriated reporters busily GPS-tracking former boy-friends and contemplating turning them into sex-slaves, paused long enough to say that if raping women is legal, then raping men is legal.

Someone named Amanda

Someone named Amanda

“First let me say that I abhor any kind of rape by anyone of anyone under any circumstance, and the notion that it’s okay at all is immoral, unethical and abuse in the highest degree.  That said, if raping women is legalized then so is raping men, particularly those who support the Afghan law, and I will act within the rules of equitable legislation if I want to, and guarantee it will be less fun than these bastards think it will be,” said Amanda Stone-Sharpp, a part-time writer and full-time baker at the Cup Cake and Full Metal Jacket Ammo Store.  “Rape inside or outside of marriage is equally wrong because it violates the individual, the person we are, the distinct human being that declares ‘I am’, and it takes from them the dignity that all human beings deserve.  It makes a person a non-person by declaring their own body and it’s internal functions are someone else’s to do with as they please, whenever they please.  I share my body with those I decide to share it with, and on my terms.  Anyone who violates that, deserves to die.  Let me clarify that in case you didn’t understand: anyone who rapes me, dies.  I will kill them myself if need be.  Capeshe?”

Someone named Himmler, with date

Someone named Himmler, with date

Not everyone agrees with Stone-Sharpp.  “I don’t need any moral clap-trap about what is ‘right’ or ‘wrong’ about rape, murder or anything else I feel like doing.  If I am able to create a rule that says I can legally rape you, or tax your money and redistribute it, or lock you up as a subversive because you’re against abortion or believe in god, then it becomes my right,” said Acmed Himmler, an Arab Nazi with a predisposition toward social efficiency driven by personal power and a desire to kill anyone he disagrees with, for societies greater good.  “There are no moral imperatives, it’s all about power.  Nature has no ethics and Darwinism supported by Atheism makes man the center of the universe and whatever we decide is law.  The strong survive and the weak perish.  Raping indiscriminately, or killing Jews at our pleasure, is legal if we say so.  I will not be held to any set of ethics as though some ‘god’ is behind it that I have to answer to.  Moralists are a waste of time.  Naturally occurring chaos subjected to those who wield raw power is all that counts.  The future is mine.  I’m the new wave of old school baby.”

AT&T Tracking Service

AT&T Tracking Service

CNet News reported that AT&T is offering a new service that allows parents–or potentially jealous spouses/boyfriends/girlfriends–to track loved ones using their phones. AT&T’s service, called FamilyMaps, allows people to track the location of any cell phone on AT&T’s network from a mobile phone or PC. The person being tracked receives a text message informing him or her that he or she is being watched. Users can either track someone in real time by viewing the location on a map or they can set up the service to send them text message alerts or e-mails with location information. For example, a parent may get an alert each day that his child made it home from school. Or perhaps a jealous girlfriend looking to keep tabs on her boyfriend could set up the service to notify her if her boyfriend happens to wander into a bar or over to his ex-girlfriend’s apartment after work. The service uses satellite GPS technology and cell tower triangulation to pin-point the location of the phone. The service is not supported on prepaid or AT&T Go Phones. And the service costs $9.99 for two phones and $14.99 for up to five phones.

Bad ass Olga

Bad ass Olga

Russia Today reported that a hairdresser from the small Russian town of Meshchovsk has subdued a man who tried to rob her shop, and then raped him for three days in the utility room. The incident occurred on Saturday, March 14. The working day was coming to an end at a small hairdressers, when a man armed with a gun rushed in and demanded the day’s earnings. The frightened employees and customers agreed to fulfill his demand, but when the shop’s owner, 28-year-old Olga, was handing the money to the robber, she suddenly knocked him down on the floor and then tied him up with a hairdryer cord. The 32-year-old Viktor couldn’t have known that the woman was a yellow belt in karate.

Power of Viagra

Power of Viagra

Olga locked the unlucky robber in the utility room and told her colleagues that she was going to call the police – but didn’t do so. When everybody left for home, she approached the man and ordered him to ‘take of his underpants’ threatening to hand him over to the police if he refuses to cooperate. After that Olga raped her hostage for three straight days. She chained Viktor to a radiator with pink furry handcuffs and fed him Viagra. She eventually let the man go on Monday, March 16, saying: “Get out of my sight!” Viktor went straight to hospital as his genitals were injured, and then to the police. Olga was resentful when she was taken by the police. “What a bastard,” the woman said about Viktor. “Yes, we had sex a couple of times.” Both Olga and Viktor may now face prison terms. The woman could be convicted of rape, while the man of robbery.

Afghan protest

Afghan protest

MSNBC reported that a group of some 1,000 Afghans swarmed a demonstration of 300 women protesting against a new marriage law on Wednesday. The women were pelted with stones as police struggled to keep the two groups apart. The law, passed last month, says a husband can demand sex with his wife every four days unless she is ill or would be harmed by intercourse — a clause that critics say legalizes marital rape. It also regulates when and for what reasons a wife may leave her home alone.  Women’s rights activists scheduled a protest Wednesday attended by mostly young women. But the group was swamped by counter-protesters — both men and women — who shouted down the women’s chants. Some picked up gravel and stones and threw them at the women, while others shouted “Death to the slaves of the Christians!” Female police held hands around the group in an attempt to create a protective barrier, but did not arrest the people throwing stones. 

If the law says it's okay, it must be okay

If the law says it's okay, it must be okay

Fourteen-year-old Masuma Hasani said her whole family had come out to protest the law — both her parents and her younger sister who she held by the arm. “I am concerned about my future with this law,” she said. “We want our rights. We don’t want women to just be used.” As the back-and-forth continued, another demonstration of Shiite women who said they support the law began. “We don’t want foreigners interfering in our lives. They are the enemy of Afghanistan,” said 24-year-old Mariam Sajadi. Sajadi is engaged, and said she plans to ask her husband’s permission to leave the house as put forth in the law. She said other controversial articles — such as one giving the husband the right to demand sex from his wife every fourth day — have been misinterpreted by Westerners who are anti-Islam.

Oops, you're knocked up

Oops, you're knocked up

In other news, Sweden’s The Local reported Wednesday that a young Swedish couple found to their amazement that they were expecting a baby – despite the fact that the girl had a contraceptive implant. When the implant was removed the mystery became clear – she had been given a dummy model. Jessica Lindberg, who lives in Gothenburg, was only 16-years-old when she became pregnant. Both the National Board of Health and Welfare (Socialstyrelsen) and the public health disciplinary board (Hälsö- och sjukvårdens ansvarsnämnd – HSAN) have reviewed the case, but neither has managed to develop an explanation. The young couple are now the parents of a two-year-old boy. The couple’s insurance company has rejected their claim for compensation arguing that “no one has been hurt”. No word on whether the company considers men or women rape victims as being hurt, but that’s just because ethics are mere concepts and laws are actually subjective until raw power sorts them out.

(C) 2009 InebriatedPress.com

Source articles:

AT&T launches family-tracking service
http://news.cnet.com/8301-1035_3-10219786-94.html?tag=newsEditorsPicksArea.0

Hairdresser turns robber into sex-slave
http://russiatoday.ru/Top_News/2009-04-14/Hairdresser_turns_robber_into_sex-slave.html?fullstory

Violence flares at protest over Afghan sex law
http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/30223599/

Swedish teen pregnant after implant mix-up
http://www.thelocal.se/18864.html

Comments Off on Track People in Real-Time for Just $10 a Month, Make a Robber your Sex-Slave, and Stone Women Who Disagree with Your Right to Rape Them

Filed under Division of Rant (with Pretzels), Humor

White House Sex Chat Line, Assisted Suicide for the Healthy, and New Legalized Rape Law

> Journalists calling in for Obama conference get sex chat line
> Swiss clinic to help healthy woman kill herself
> Afghan President establishes law sanctioning marital rape

Inebriated Press \ Division of Rant (with Pretzels)
April 6, 2009

Miss Sex Chat & Miss Legal Rape

Miss Sex Chat & Miss Legal Rape

Agence France Presse (AFP) reported last Thursday that journalists in the U.S. calling a toll-free number to join a conference call with President Obama in London, instead had their call answered with the line “Do you feel like getting nasty?” — as a sultry voiced Swank magazine sex-chat woman picked up their call.  And Times Online reported last Friday that the Swiss assisted-suicide clinic Dignitas was criticized after revealing plans to help a healthy woman to die. The clinic’s founder described suicide as a “marvelous opportunity” that should not be restricted to the terminally ill.  Meanwhile, Afghan President Karzai provoked international outrage with a draconian Taleban-era law that explicitly sanctions marital rape.  Pundits are debating whether the White House sex chat line can offset the trillions in new Obamanomic spending enough that they’ll want to remain in the country, or if they should just rape their wives and commit suicide instead.

White House Operator

White House Operator

“I have to hand it to Obama, I’d never have thought of putting a sex chat line in the White House.  He’s one-upping Clinton who used to rent out the Lincoln Bedroom for orgies.  If Obama instructs the travel office to offer a package to the public with sex-chat followed by a hooker-rendezvous in the Lincoln Bedroom, I’ll bet he can rake in a lot of bucks and offset part of the $12 trillion in spending that he’s initiated in the last 60 days,” said Zack Loft-Basement, a chief-of-staff wanna-be and occasional user.  “But if Obama doesn’t get spending under control and give some tax relief to business in order to truly stimulate the economy, we’re going to end up with hyper inflation and draconian taxation.  My wife will get really frigid I’ll be left to rape her and kill myself — all according to acceptable laws of course — but still, it’d be a real bother.”

Someone named Cathy

Someone named Cathy

Not everyone thinks the way Loft-Basement does.  “I have mixed feelings about the White House sex chat line, just like I did the Condi Rice nude calendar to help fund the State Department, and Bill Clinton selling nude pic’s of Hillary to fund her run for president.  It just seems like maybe we’re going too far and should just cut some costs or something,” said Cathy Scot-Ireland-Tissue, a genius in her own mind and a sex tramp in the minds of others.  “And anyone who condones raping women for any reason should be assigned to an assisted-suicide clinic and be removed from the land of the living.  I do have to wonder about the clinic that plans to help healthy people kill themselves though.  Do you suppose they’ve considered maybe recommending some mental health counseling instead?  I don’t like to be on anti-depressant drugs either, but it seems a bit drastic to just off yourself.”

AFP reported that journalists based in the United States got a shock last Thursday when they dialed a toll-free number to join a conference call with senior officials accompanying US President Barack Obama in London. The number turned out to be a sex chat line inviting callers to use their credit card numbers. “Do you have any hidden desires?” a sultry voiced woman asked. “Well, do you feel like getting nasty? Then you came to the right place — brought to you by the girls of Swank magazine,” she said. Reporters finally got through to the two officials in London — National Security Advisor James Jones and Secretary of State Hillary Clinton — when they gave up on the US “800” number and instead dialed an international number. The White House did not offer an explanation when asked how it sent the wrong number in an email listing both numbers — one for journalists in the United States and the other for those overseas.

Purveyor of Death

Purveyor of Death

Times Online reported that the founder of the Swiss assisted suicide clinic Dignitas was criticized yesterday after revealing plans to help a healthy woman to die alongside her terminally ill husband. Ludwig Minelli described suicide as a “marvelous opportunity” that should not be restricted to the terminally ill or people with severe disabilities. Critics said that the plans highlighted the risks of proposals to legalize assisted suicides in Britain for people in the final stages of a terminal illness.

The Zurich University Clinic has found that more than a fifth of people who had died at Dignitas did not have a terminal condition. Mr Minelli admitted that some of the people who had been helped to die at the clinic had been psychiatric patients with schizophrenia and bipolar disorders. A spokesman for Care Not Killing, a campaign opposed to any weakening of the law on euthanasia or assisted suicide, said that Mr Minelli’s comments showed why any legalization of assisted dying would open a “Pandora’s box of nightmare scenarios”.

Sweet rapable girl

Sweet rapable girl

Times Online also reported that President Karzai of Afghanistan provoked international outrage last Thursday with draconian Taleban-era restrictions on women and laws that explicitly sanction marital rape. A leaked copy of the laws obtained by The Times details new strictures for Afghanistan’s Shia minority. Women are banned from leaving the home without permission. A wife has the absolute duty to provide sexual services to her husband, and child marriage is legalized. Opponents of the Afghan President accused him of selling out basic human rights for women in return for the votes of hardline Shia conservatives for the presidential election in August. The legislation is based on the Shia family code first brought before Parliament two years ago, to the horror of women legislators who make up more than a quarter of the assembly. Women MPs said that they had been powerless to challenge the passage of the Bill. “The majority of the men agreed to support the laws without any discussion,” said Azita Raffat, an MP from Badghis province. “The law says it is the right of men to have sex — even by force.”

Pioneer

Pioneer

Some people say that the new law which sanctions forced marriage of young girls and their subsequent rape accurately suits Darwinistic tendencies of nature and that confused moralists and Judeo-Christians have a twisted view of humankind that makes them think that all individuals should have rights and be afforded a modicum of dignity.

Assisted Suicide Toon“The strong survive and the weak perish.  Draconian rape and child marriage law, and Sharia law, these stem from religion and atheistic Darwinism and combine to form a perfect synergy of relativistic power-based control, as natural as the tsunami, the hurricane, and swarms of locusts,” said I.B. Humpin-Daley, a part time cleric and full time vagrant who likes Obama’s style and lack of substance.  “The pansy assed American religious types who say shit like ‘everyone is created equal and are endowed by their creator with inalienable rights like life, liberty and the pursuit of happiness’ are morons.  Their time has passed.  Obama has proven it by his approach to the leaders at the G-20.  He patted the Brit Queen on the ass and handed her an iPod, then went and bowed deeply and kissed the ring of the Saudi King.  He’s got this shit figured out. Muslim power and Sharia law are coming to America in the form of hope and change.  It’s about power baby, power.  And America is surrendering it to everybody else.  Why else would Hillary tell the Mexicans that their drug war was Americas problem, or Obama tell the G-20 that the worlds economic crisis was Americas fault?  He didn’t sit for 20 years with Jeremiah Wright’s anti-American diatribes and learn nothing you know.  Damn straight.  He’s acting on his beliefs.”

USA Sharia Law Pioneer

USA Sharia Law Pioneer

In other news, the New York Post reported on Thursday that President Obama has nominated Harold Koh to be the State Department’s legal advisor.  Koh believes that judges should interpret the U.S. Constitution according to other nations’ legal “norms.” And that Sharia law applies to disputes in US courts. He also says that the United States constitutes an “axis of disobedience” along with North Korea and Saddam-era Iraq. According to the Post Koh, a self-described “activist,” would plainly promote his views aggressively once at State. He’s not likely to feel limited by the letter of the law — in 1994, he told The New Republic: “I’d rather have [former Supreme Court Justice Harry] Blackmun, who uses the wrong reasoning in Roe [v. Wade] to get the right results, and let other people figure out the right reasoning.” No word on how he feels about raping young girls or killing healthy people but in this new era of hope and change, all bets are off.

(C) 2009 InebriatedPress.com

Source articles:

Journalists get shock with ‘sexy’ White House call
http://news.yahoo.com/s/afp/20090402/od_afp/uswhousenatomediasexoffbeat_20090402223328

Dignitas founder plans assisted suicide of healthy woman
http://www.timesonline.co.uk/tol/news/world/europe/article6021947.ece

President Karzai’s Taleban-style laws for women put troop surge at risk
http://www.timesonline.co.uk/tol/news/world/asia/article6025362.ece

OBAMA’S MOST PERILOUS LEGAL PICK
http://www.nypost.com/seven/03302009/postopinion/opedcolumnists/obamas_most_perilous_legal_pick_161961.htm?page=0

Comments Off on White House Sex Chat Line, Assisted Suicide for the Healthy, and New Legalized Rape Law

Filed under Division of Rant (with Pretzels), Humor, Op-Ed