Tag Archives: alcohol

Massaging Horses, Topless Beauty Queen’s, and the Good Health Effects of Booze

> Massage therapist battles State to do horses
> Miss USA Runner-Up, Defends Topless Photo
> Harvard study to determine if drink-a-day fights heart disease

Inebriated Press
May 8, 2009

Miss USA runner-up

Miss USA runner-up

The Maryland Daily Record reported Tuesday that Mercedes Clemens, a certified massage therapist, may soon get to resume massaging horses after a judge urged a state board to rescind its cease and desist order. “I’m cautiously hopeful,” said Clemens.  And San Diego TV-6 reported Wednesday that Carrie Prejean current Miss California and Miss USA runner-up, defended a topless picture of her that is spreading on the internet.  “I am a model,” she said.  Meanwhile, The Boston Globe reported Wednesday that a new Harvard University study is determined to show if a daily dose of alcohol will prevent heart disease.  “It’s a unique opportunity,” said Dr. Kenneth Mukamal.  Inebriated Press reporters, already confident of their awe inspiring good health, ponder the benefits of topless horse massage.

Someone named Missy

Someone named Missy

“Massaging people or horses will do both good, and going topless is always a fine thing to do when you want a tan, some freedom from clothing, or a few bucks tucked into your g-string,” said Missy Hopeful-Hooligan, a part-time reporter, part-time stripper, and part-time massage therapist for leafy green vegetables.  “I do all-the-above and am open to other things if the mood hits me and the cash is good.  There shouldn’t be restrictions on massage or nudity.  As far as having a drink-a-day for health, I do it all the time and feel great.  What’s to study?”

Someone named Beverly

Someone named Beverly

Not everyone agrees with Hopeful-Hooligan.  “Only formally trained horse massage therapists should rub a horse, and only highly trained human massage therapists should be rubbing people and messing with their deep tissue and stuff.  You can’t just let anyone who wants to rub you, rub you.  They should be trained professionals, and should have their tops on,” said Beverly Kingg-Biped, a writer and pro-garden activist who’s also a legend in her own mind.  “Even leafy green vegetables should only be handled by experienced gardeners who understand plants feelings, and can properly care for them and gently manipulate their fibers.  I go topless in the shower sometimes, but I would never do it while gardening or engaged in some kind of massage.  There are proprieties that should be observed, and that’s true no matter how much booze you slam each day for your health.”

Horse massage

Horse massage

The Daily Record reported that H. Mercedes Clemens is battling a licensing board’s order that limits her work to human clients. The certified massage therapist may soon get to resume her side business of massaging horses after a judge on Tuesday urged a state board to rescind its order that would force her to choose between her human and equine clients. During a 30-minute hearing in Montgomery County Circuit Court, Judge David A. Boynton grilled the Maryland Board of Chiropractic and Massage Therapy Examiners’ attorney as to the basis for the agency’s order that Clemens cease and desist from massaging horses, or risk losing her license. The chiropractic board’s authority is limited to regulating who can massage human beings as part of a business, Boynton told the attorney, Grant Gerber. “Does a person even need a license to give a massage to a horse?” Boynton said. “I don’t understand why this [cease and desist] letter hasn’t already been withdrawn.” Gerber, under Boynton’s verbal barrage, said the board will consider whether to retain its policy of prohibiting equine massage by the massage therapists it certifies at its regularly scheduled meeting on May 14. Clemens, who said she has not massaged horses since the cease-and-desist order was issued, voiced guarded optimism that the board will lift its directive and change its policy. Clemens had massaged the horses of about 30 clients, a side business she said she abandoned on the advice of counsel after receiving the letter from the chiropractic board.

Carrie PrejeanSan Diego TV-6 reported that local college student Carrie Prejean, AKA Miss California, AKA Miss USA runner-up, is defending a revealing picture of her that has emerged on the internet. TheDirty.com, a celebrity gossip blog, claims to have nude photos of the Vista High graduate and San Diego Christian College student.  The site had posted just one of those images of the beauty queen. It shows her with her back to the camera, looking over her shoulder, wearing nothing but pink panties, with an arm strategically covering her breasts. “I am a Christian, and I am a model,” Prejean said in a statement released Tuesday morning. “Models pose for pictures, including lingerie and swimwear photos. Recently, photos taken of me as a teenager have been released surreptitiously to a tabloid Web site that openly mocks me for my Christian faith. I am not perfect, and I will never claim to be.”  State pageant officials raise the possibility Tuesday afternoon that Prejean could lose her crown.

Send booze!The Boston Globe reported that there is, perhaps, no place in the world where science is pursued more soberly than at Harvard University and its affiliated hospitals. So it may come as a bit of a surprise that a researcher at Beth Israel Deaconess Medical Center is undertaking the most rigorous study yet to answer an age-old, high-octane question: Can a daily dose of alcohol help prevent heart disease? Previous research has suggested that it does, but these studies had shortcomings. Now Dr. Kenneth Mukamal has embarked on a study of alcohol’s health consequences modeled on the gold-standard trials used to evaluate new drugs. The public often feels whipsawed. One week, alcohol’s good for you. The next, it’s bad for you. “It’s a unique opportunity,” said Mukamal, a Beth Israel Deaconess internist, “to put some of these questions to rest about what alcohol does to us.”  In Mukamal’s study, underwritten by the National Institute on Alcohol Abuse and Alcoholism, he will track 40 patients for six months each, providing them with their monthly supply of libation – premixed – in one-gallon jugs, taken 5 ounces at a time. Participants drinking the brew that contains alcohol down the equivalent of a medium glass of wine. Blood tests will be used to monitor alcohol’s effect on cholesterol levels, and scans will be used to examine fat deposits in arteries.

Hot Saudi babe, sure to win or die trying

Hot Saudi babe, sure to win or die trying

In other news, The Indianapolis Star reported Wednesday that Saudi Arabia’s only beauty pageant opens Saturday with nearly 200 contestants. But at this beauty pageant, the judges don’t care about a perfect figure or face. What they’re looking for in the quest for “Miss Beautiful Morals” is the contestant who shows the most devotion and respect for her parents. Contestants cover their faces and bodies in black robes and an Islamic veil, so no one knows what they look like. The Miss Beautiful Morals pageant is the latest example of conservative Muslims co-opting Western-style formats to spread their message in the face of the onslaught of foreign influences flooding the region through the Internet and satellite television. No word on how the “beauty contestants” feel about massaging horses, but you can bet they’re against booze and going topless.  No wonder the Middle East is full of pissed off maniacs lopping the heads off of people. 

(C) 2009 InebriatedPress.com

Source articles:

Reining in the regulator
http://www.mddailyrecord.com/article.cfm?id=11447&type=UTTM

Miss USA Runner-Up Defends Topless Photo; May be in Trouble with State Pageant
http://www.sandiego6.com/news/local/story/Carrie-Prejean-defends-topless-photo-gay-marrriage/pfY06daYk0iquiiN1bhDpA.cspx

Alcohol study drinks to your health
http://www.boston.com/news/health/articles/2009/05/06/alcohol_study_drinks_to_your_health/

Here she comes: Saudi’s Miss Beautiful Morals
http://hosted.ap.org/dynamic/stories/M/ML_SAUDI_MISS_BEAUTIFUL_MORALS?SITE=ININS&SECTION=HOME&TEMPLATE=DEFAULT

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Trafficking in Gypsy Girls, Aborted Fetus Organs, and Vodka

> Annual Gypsy Girls Bride Sale in Bulgaria
> Brit Stem Cell Expert says Ease Donor Shortage, Transplant Fetus Organs
> Illegal Vodka Accounts for Half of All Sales in Russia

Inebriated Press
March 16, 2009

For Sale

For Sale

The Daily Mail Online reported last week that thousands of teenage Roma girls were brought by their parents to an annual market in Bulgaria, where they hoped to find men willing to pay several thousand euros to buy a “bride”.  And the Daily Mail also reported that an Oxford stem cell expert says organs from late-term aborted fetuses should be used as transplants to help alleviate donor shortages.  Meanwhile, The St. Petersburg Times reported last week that illicit vodka sales is expected to account for nearly half of all vodka sold in Russia this year, as people look for less costly untaxed alcohol.  Some people say that there will be greater societal opportunities when old fashioned ethics and rule of law are aborted.

“The days of valuing life so highly that we waste the human organs of a not-yet human fetus are over and the days of buying booze legally and paying taxes are behind us.  It’s time we move forward with selling women for brides, and beheading each other if we have a disagreement and then selling off the parts for transplants or casseroles,” said Jeffrey Dahmer, a forward thinking intellectual and part-time chef, who was misunderstood by traditionalists and communicates through mediums today.  “The ideas that marriage needs to be between two people who meet and fall in love, or that working human organs somehow came from a working human being, or that booze should be traded through legal channels, is absurd, not to mention highly inefficient.  Let parents sell their kids in the open market, or sell their parts if they’d rather.  And let underground liquor producers sell their stuff without government inspection or taxation.  A totally free market economy would be less costly and provide new economic opportunity.  There may be a few people who die from poison booze or a girl who gets sold for parts who’d rather not, but hey, no system is perfect.”

Thumb sucking at 4.5 weeks, kid or organs?

Thumb sucking at 4.5 weeks, kid or organs?

Not everyone agrees with Dahmer.  “One of the struggles that every country faces is to maintain a good economy, a modicum of personal freedom and societal progress, while not creating a system that ultimately ends up being like Nazi Germany or Soviet Russia,” said Benjamin Franklin, an old school thinker who believes that freedom and commerce can work together successfully as long as individuals take some personal responsibility and behave themselves most of the time.  “If I could wave a magic wand and make all citizens ethical we’d cut the need for our expensive judicial system by at least 90 percent and eliminate most of the prisons, court houses, lawyers and other infrastructure.  Those systems act like a tax on the country, and the less moral the individuals are the more costly the economic burden.  Women and their parts should not be traded like so many tractors or their pieces — at any age.  And if a representative form of government has established taxation to pay for product inspection and so forth, then it’s acceptable.  However, over-taxation is wrong and a liquor tax should only pay for needed safety and not bureaucracy.  And let’s face it, if a kids parts work in someone else’s body then they’ll work in their own.  How can you call a late-term aborted fetus’ kidney a kidney only when it’s in somebody else’s body and not their own?  I mean really.  This is parsing both words and body parts in the worse possible way.”

On the market

On the market

The Daily Mail reported that thousands of teenage Roma girls dressed in their finest clothes and gold jewelry, were paraded around by their parents earlier this month – at an open-air brides market. “We take our daughters to this gathering so they could get acquainted with boys, for we do not allow our children to go to discos,’ explains Elena from Kapitan Andreevo. At the market  in the village of Mogila near Stara Zagora, the price of a beautiful young woman is said to be several thousand levs/euros. Younger siblings came along too to play and eat sweets while one newly-wed couple bellydanced on top of an old car to show their happiness at finding a match. Several wannabe-brides joined in, showing their eagerness to be married. The annual bride sale takes place each year on the first Saturday after the start of the orthodox Easter fast. This year the gathering attracted some 2,000 people who came from all over southern Bulgaria including Plovdiv, Pasardzhik, Sliven and Jambol.

7 month abortion; wasted parts

7 month abortion; wasted parts

The Daily Mail reported that Professor Sir Richard Gardner, an Oxford University stem cell expert, said fetal tissues may offer a more realistic solution to the lack of organs than other technologies being developed. Calling for studies into the feasibility of transplanting fetal organs, Sir Richard, an advisor to Britain’s fertility watchdog and the Royal Society, said he was surprised the possibility had not been considered. Sir Richard said: “It is probably a more realistic technique in dealing with the shortage of kidney donors than others.”  Professor Stuart Campbell added that many babies are aborted quite late, “and if they are going to be terminated, it is a shame to waste their organs”. Josephine Quintavalle, of Comment on Reproductive Ethics, described the proposal as ‘absolutely horrifying’. She said: “At what stage do you say to the woman who is to have an abortion, ‘Can we have some organs for transplant?’”

Vodka brands

Vodka brands

The St. Petersburg Times reported that the sale of illicit vodka is expected to account for nearly half of all vodka sales in Russia this year as people look for cheap, untaxed alcohol as their salaries shrink amid the economic crisis. In an early sign that illicit sales are already taking off, legal vodka production plunged by 21 percent in January, compared to January last year, the State Statistics Service said. Vodka production fell by 7.6 percent for all of 2008.  “Sales aren’t down, but production is falling,” said Pavel Shapkin, chairman of the National Alcohol Association. “This indicates that the state is losing to crime and the consumer is encountering products that are not properly regulated.” Vadim Drobiz, spokesman for the Union of Alcohol Market Participants said “more people choose to drink vodka at home now, like they did during the Soviet times.” The downturn is hitting the liquor stores that refuse to sell illegal products especially hard.

Some pundits say trading girls, organs and booze is fine as long as there’s proper regulation.

Buy or rent?

Buy or rent?

“Over the years I’ve gotten sick from bad booze, diseased hookers and some chicken organs I bought as a snack, and the reality is, if they were properly inspected and regulated there’s no risk to my health,” said Jon Doe, a roller skate rebuilder and occasional taxpayer.  “So I’m willing to buy or rent a bride, pay a booze tax and swap the parts of unborn children if they’re all certified healthy.  I suppose lopping the parts out of a kid will put a dent in their future, and maybe a gal who’s in sexual slavery won’t want to put out the way I want, but as long as it works for me most of the time, that’s all that matters.  Survival of the fittest and all that you know.  Of course when I’m down on my luck, I don’t want to be sold for parts or have my house taken away.  I’ll expect government to bail me out.  It’s all about me.  Let’s face it, that’s how we all are and should be.  Screw Benjamin Franklin and his freedom and personal responsibility bull shit.  I’d sign up with Hitler before Abraham Lincoln any day.  Adolph got things done.  He didn’t just patch a country together, he built the Third Reich.”

Heather with reshuffled parts; not cashed out

Heather with reshuffled parts; not cashed out

In other news, USA Today reported last week that Heather McNamara, 7, was discharged from a New York hospital Tuesday after a daring, high-risk operation last month in which doctors removed six vital organs so they could take out a baseball-sized tumor that had invaded her abdomen and threatened her life. Surgeons removed and chilled the child’s stomach, pancreas, spleen, liver and small and large intestines as they would for transplantation, so they could be restored after the tumor was taken out. The transplant specialist said the cancer had spread so widely that the girl’s stomach, pancreas and spleen couldn’t be saved. In place of her stomach, Kato’s team fashioned a pouch from intestinal tissue to hold food before it moves into the small intestine for digestion. The loss of her pancreas turned the child into a diabetic who will need insulin injections and digestive enzymes. “She’s doing fantastic,” her father, Joseph McNamara, of Islip Terrace, Long Island, said in an interview Monday as the two played Old Maid in her room at New York-Presbyterian Morgan Stanley Children’s Hospital.  No word on why he didn’t just sell off her good organs for a few bucks and cash her out.  Maybe he was suffering from some silly personal responsibility, or perhaps a bout of common decency.

(C) 2009 InebriatedPress.com

Source articles:

On the market: Teenage Gypsy girls glam up for annual bride sale
http://www.dailymail.co.uk/news/worldnews/article-1160669/On-market-Teenage-Gypsy-girls-glam-annual-bride-sale.html

Use aborted fetus organs in transplants, urges scientist
http://www.dailymail.co.uk/sciencetech/article-1161085/Use-aborted-foetus-organs-transplants-urges-scientist.html

Illegal Vodka Set to Account for Half of All Sales
http://www.times.spb.ru/index.php?action_id=2&story_id=28493

Miracle surgery: Girl ‘fantastic’ after 6 organs removed, 3 replaced
http://www.usatoday.com/news/health/2009-03-09-surgery-cancer_N.htm

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Filed under Division of Rant (with Pretzels), IP News, Op-Ed

Obama’s Internet Army and Using Booze to Get Sex

Using New Tools and Old Ones to Get What You Want
> Obama to use his 3.1 million Internet volunteers to intimidate
> Teen boys plying alcohol to get sex

Inebriated Press
November 7, 2008

McClatchy News reported Wednesday that a powerful new lobbying force is headed for Washington D.C.: Barack Obama’s army of 3.1 million Internet-linked volunteers. An Internet politics guru predicted that Obama would use his forces, constructed during the campaign, to intimidate congressional foes of his agenda. And The UK Sun reported yesterday that a new study says teen boys think it is acceptable to pressure girls into sex and use alcohol to get them into bed. Pundits debate whether pressure, intimidation and booze should be used to force “change,” when small talk and flowery jargon can’t get the job done.

“Guys and politicians are always making nicey-nicey talk and buying me drinks hoping that they can screw my ears off later on, but I know that game and I won’t fall for it,” said Stacy Half-Pint-Uptick, a buxom blond bombshell and nuclear physicist, smitten with an unrelenting case of common sense she’s been unable to shake, despite having watched election coverage on MSNBC. “Sell your ideas or explain your story and let me decide what I want to do, don’t lean on me with legal or illegal drugs, or with organized minions determined to make me do your bidding out of fear. Those are Marxist and anti-American tactics that have no place around here. Hit the road Jack.”

Not everyone agrees with Half-Pint-Uptick. “You do whatever it takes to get what you want, and you let nothing and no one stand in your way,” said someone claiming to be Rahm Emanuel, a helpful guy who steered the Obama train and attack dogs all the way to the White House. “Booze, intimidation, legal maneuvering, all that shit, it’s the Chicago way you weak-willed piss ants. You want to survive the next eight years you’d better start kissing my ass and letting me have your ass whenever and however I want. I’ll be really crabby if you don’t and so will Barack. We didn’t conquer the homeland for you bunch of whiners. We did it for us and our bunch of whiners. We built this beast and it will feed and screw ’til our hearts content.”

McClatchy News reported that a powerful new lobbying force is coming to town: Barack Obama’s triumphant army of 3.1 million Internet-linked donors and volunteers. In a mass e-mail thanking them, written moments before his Grant Park victory speech, Obama put them on notice. “We have a lot to do to get our country back on track, and I’ll be in touch soon about what comes next,” he wrote. Many are eager. “I’m going to be sitting at the phone, asking, ‘What do you want me to do next? I’m ready,’ ” said volunteer Courtney Hood, 37, a mother of three from Owings, Md. How Obama will use his ardent laptop-armed cadres is unclear. So is the extent to which they’ll rally behind his priorities, press him for their own or both.

Joe Trippi, the Internet politics guru whose computer geeks made Howard Dean a contender in 2004 and who went on to design Obama’s socially networked campaign machine, offers a provocative and educated guess. Trippi predicted that Obama would use his forces, first and foremost, to intimidate congressional foes of his agenda, rally his allies and forge “one of the most powerful presidencies in American history.”

As for political utility, many thousands of volunteers such as Hood will be deployable within hours, with great precision and at almost no cost, thanks to the campaign’s state-of-the-art information-management systems. Trippi offered a dramatic scenario: “Obama will be able to say these are the 10 members of Congress standing in our way on health care. Basically, it’ll be the president and the people united, with some members of Congress in between, which won’t be a very comfortable place to be.” A million Obama activists nationwide translate to an average of nearly 2,300 for each of 435 congressional districts.

It’s believed that Obama will pass on his activist database to the Democratic National Committee (DNC) and/or a new nonprofit that takes direction from the Obama White House. That’s permitted under MyBO’s privacy policy, which says that its names and data may be turned over to “organizations with similar political viewpoints and objectives, in furtherance of our own political objectives.”

The Sun reported that teen boys think it is acceptable to pressure girls into sex and use alcohol to get them into bed, a shocking new study has revealed. The study looked at sexual attitudes of 14 to 16-year-olds and researchers say it showed big differences in the way boys and girls look at sex.

Dr. Mark Hayter, who was part of the study team, said: “The girls’ responses were more empathic and complex because they face more complex social pressures when it comes to having sex. The young men on the other hand appeared to follow behavior patterns that included pressuring girls to have sex, often with the use of alcohol. The team used focus groups to study the attitudes of 35 youngsters who had gone to nurse-led sexual health outreach clinics for contraception.

Dr Hayter went on to say, “In one of the boys’ focus groups there was even a suggestion that it was OK for a boy to force his girlfriend to have sex and the group started trying to differentiate between ’just a bit of pressure’ and ’proper rape’.” The teenagers taking part attended clinics in areas of high teenage pregnancy rates.

Some people say that pressure politics and pressure sex are just natural manifestations of human nature, and as such display the higher forms of social Darwinism and advance the species.

“Various forms of rape and intimidation have occurred across the millennia as humankind evolved to it’s current advanced state, and in the survival of the fittest world in which we live, all types of misrepresentation, brute force and betrayal is necessary for proper societal function,” said Heinrich Himmler, an experienced social engineer, whose work in the development of enlightened society is sometimes misunderstood by those who are squeamish about the use of raw power and an occasional concentration camp. “You do what you need to do, in order to change your country and the world into that thing you want, and then you protect your own power using whatever tools and tactics are necessary. This is logical and should surprise no one. Only the religious and ethical get confused about this stuff. I call them fodder. If they will not participate as the machine, they will be used to grease it.”

In other news, the Los Angeles Times reported on Tuesday that the economy is so weak that even sex isn’t selling. At Donna’s Ranch, a brothel in Wells, Nev., most of the customers are long-haul truckers. High fuel and food prices have drained them of ‘play money.’ So the working girls sit and wait. No word on whether truckers are getting sex for free now by applying a little booze and pressure to the women they know, or if they’re joining Obama’s Internet army with hopes of getting some free government cash to buy hooker services the way they used to.

(C) 2008 InebriatedPress.com

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