Tag Archives: american policy

Obama Enjoys Anti-American Rants, Cheerleaders Enjoy Strip Clubs, and NATO runs Catch-and-Release Pirate Program

> Nicaraguan President rips America, Obama quietly takes notes
> High School cheerleaders take field trip to strip club
> NATO rescues fishermen from pirates, then frees the hijackers

Inebriated Press
April 22, 2009

HunksFox News reported Saturday that at the Summit of the Americas this past weekend, Nicaraguan President Daniel Ortega ripped the U.S. as a terrorist nation for over 50 minutes, while President Obama sat listening quietly and taking notes.  And MSNBC reported last Friday that an Ohio teacher took a group of high school cheerleaders on a field trip to a male strip club.  Meanwhile, Fox News reported Saturday that NATO forces rescued 20 fishermen from pirates in the Gulf of Aden, but let the Somali hijackers go because they had no authority to arrest them.  Pundits are debating trends in leadership based on anti-Americanism, pro-pirate anti-hijacking, and sex-based field trips for underage schoolchildren. 

Someone named Maggie

Someone named Maggie

“The adults are all gone from American government and education, and all that’s left are people with the emotional equivalent of children, lacking both common sense and even the tiniest grasp of reality,” said Maggie Mae-Mooreless, an accountant and weightlifter who doubles as a hot blonde when she feels like it.  “Obama enjoyed Ortega’s rant against America because he felt like he was a kid again back in Jeremiah Wright’s church where he listened to him rant against the U.S. for twenty years.  Or, maybe it was like hanging with his Chicago neighbor Bill Ayers the Pentagon bomber who held fundraising events for Barack at his home where they talked treason. It probably felt like homecoming.  As far as NATO releasing pirate hijackers after catching them and then freeing their captives — that’s just beyond stupid.  Only the cheerleaders who want to hang with male stripers have a clue what they’re really doing.”

Ahmadinejad

Ahmadinejad

Not everyone agrees with Mae-Mooreless.  “There is nothing wrong with Obama admitting that America is a terrible country, responsible for all of the evil in the world, I’ve been saying that for years,” said Iranian President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad, sharing an anti-American mind meld with Nicaraguan President Daniel Ortega, but adding a few racial aspersions against the Jews.  “Bill Ayers is a patriot of the highest order and everyone should be bombing the Pentagon and preaching poetic anti-American diatribes in churches, synagogues and Mosques.  And then of course beheading infidels and other people I disagree with; taking money from hard working citizens who earn it and handing it around to those who don’t.  Basic bedlam and chaos, for god sake.  Prepping the way for the 12th Imam and Islam dominating the world and all that.  I wouldn’t mind a cheerleader or two to encourage this stuff.  Somali’s would do, they’ve got the right attitude.”

Hil & Obi

Hil & Obi

Fox News reported that at the Summit of the Americas this past weekend President Obama endured a 50-minute diatribe from socialist Nicaraguan President Daniel Ortega that lashed out at a century of what he called terroristic U.S. aggression in Central America and included a rambling denunciation of the U.S.-imposed isolation of Cuba’s Communist government. Obama sat mostly unmoved during the speech but at times jotted notes. The speech was part of the opening ceremonies at the fifth Summit of the Americas here.

Secretary of State Hillary Clinton said, “I thought the cultural performance was fascinating.” Asked again about the Ortega speech, Clinton said: “To have those first class Caribbean entertainers all on one stage and to see how much was done in such a small amount of space, I was overwhelmed.” A senior administration official declined to criticize Ortega, saying the president wanted to focus on the future. Ortega’s speech, indulgent even by regional standards, also mocked the very summit he was attending and helping to open. Later, at a photo opportunity with Canadian Prime Minister Stephen Harper, Obama held his tongue when asked what he thought about Ortega’s speech. In his 17-minute address to the summit, Obama misspoke on the sequence of events in Cuba.

CheerleadersMSNBC reported that a Butler Tech school district spokesman says teacher Lori Epperson took four high school cheerleaders to a male strip club.  Epperson has resigned from her teaching position in southwest Ohio. Epperson told school officials she had gotten permission from the parents of the 17- and 18-year-olds to bring them to Club Masque in Dayton. She says the girls asked her to take them to the bar.
 

Pirates, born to be free, even of NATO

Pirates, born to be free, even of NATO

Fox News reported that NATO forces rescued 20 fishermen from pirates who launched the latest attack in the Gulf of Aden on Saturday, but let the Somali hijackers go because they had no authority to arrest them. The release underscored the difficulties of stopping the skyrocketing piracy scourge in the Horn of Africa, where sea bandits also seized a Belgian-flagged ship carrying 10 foreign crew near the Seychelles islands and started hauling it toward Somalia.

“There isn’t a silver bullet” to solve the problem, said Roger Middleton, a piracy expert at London-based think-tank Chatham House. He said it’s common for patrolling warships to disarm then free brigands because they have rarely have jurisdiction to try them.

Some people say that instead of searching for a silver bullet, a few lead ones will do the trick.

Someone named Stacy

Someone named Stacy

“Blow the bastards away on the high seas or hang them from the yard arm the old fashioned way, but for crying out loud, when you catch them in the act of piracy, you don’t free them, holy shit,” said Stacy Anne-Freeport, an auto mechanic and pro-American citizen who values freedom, independence and the American way of life.  “Get some good old fashioned common sense back and we’ll solve half the world’s problems in an afternoon.”

In other news, Fox News reported that Iranian President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad unleashed a blistering attack Monday against Israel and the United States, calling the Jewish state “racist” and lashing out at Americans for their support. Ahmadinejad called Israel the “most cruel and racist regime.” He followed by blaming the United States, Europe and Israel for the world’s financial crisis.  No word on whether Obama had anyone there taking notes for him, but when he sits down without conditions to chat about nukes with Ahmadinejad I’m guessing they’ll have plenty of anti-American ideas in common.

(C) 2009 InebriatedPress.com

Source articles:

Obama Endures Ortega Diatribe
http://www.foxnews.com/politics/2009/04/18/obama-endures-ortega-diatribe/

Strip club field trip
http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/30264815/

NATO Rescues 20 Fishermen From Pirates, Belgian Ship Seized
http://www.foxnews.com/story/0,2933,517042,00.html

Ahmadinejad Attacks Israel, U.S. at U.N. Racism Conference
http://www.foxnews.com/story/0,2933,517151,00.html

Comments Off on Obama Enjoys Anti-American Rants, Cheerleaders Enjoy Strip Clubs, and NATO runs Catch-and-Release Pirate Program

Filed under Humor, IP News

Air is Killing You, Dagger-Dicking is Damaging, and Brazilian Monkey Nuts get the Axe

> Obama’s EPA declares the air you exhale a public danger
> Jamaican doctors report increase in rough sex injuries to men parts
> Brazilian monkeys to loose testicles

Inebriated Press
April 20, 2009

Greenhouse gas

Greenhouse gas

The Wall Street Journal reported Friday that the U.S. Environmental Protection Agency (EPA) issued a finding that carbon dioxide — the air you exhale — is a greenhouse gas and poses a danger to the public.  This sets the stage for a battle over regulations that could have far reaching impact on Americans.  And, the U.K. Sun reported that Jamaican Doctors say there’s been an increase in injuries to men caused by rough sex referred to as “daggering” which can result in permanent penile damage.  Meanwhile, health officials in Brazil say they must catch Capuchin monkeys and give them vasectomies in order to control disease. Inebriated reporters who have stopped holding their breath, thus giving up on trying to save the world, are now contemplating the risks of rough sex, and disease caused by monkey testicles.

Someone named Holly

Someone named Holly

“It’s pretty obvious that the world would be better off without human beings since we exhale warm moist air and that’s a greenhouse gas, and it’s destroying the planet and life as we know it.  I held my breath as long as I could hoping that it would slow the warming of the earth following the ice age, but if I keep it up I’ll just pass out and die.  Screw that,” said Holly McWarm-Boddy, an environmentalist-writer who also sells SUV’s and rough sex part-time.  “I don’t know about the benefits of cutting off monkey nuts but I have a feeling that the country would be better off if climate change guys like Al Gore had theirs clipped.  Maybe that’s just wishful thinking.”

Someone named Jenni

Someone named Jenni

Not everyone sees it the way McWarm-Boddy does.  “We have almost a hundred years worth of data and that proves the earth has only been warming since we started tracking it, and that everything was great for the previous million years.  We don’t know for sure what happened to the dinosaurs, but it was probably Republican-driven SUV exhaust channeling backward across time somehow and killing them.  Damn conservatives,” said Jenni Hyper-Gasse, a professional trivia expert who lives off of government grants and other people’s labor, for the good of humankind.  “Once the Obama administration puts new rules in place that caps the number of conservatives that can live in the U.S. and then gradually reduces them over time, we’ll finally get the environmental problems that plague the planet under control.  Humans are bad in and of themselves, but conservative humans are worse, and American conservative humans — especially white males — are basically terrorists.  The recent Department of Homeland Security report pretty much spells that out.  My guess is that we’ll have to cut the nuts off of most white American males — especially if they’re in the military — before this is all over, just to reduce the disease that is conservatism.  It’s kind of a shame because a few of them are cute and I like a little rough sex now and then with real men rather than the metrosexuals I hang out with.  Oh well.  We all have to sacrifice for the good of the planet.”

EPAThe Wall Street Journal reported that the U.S. Environmental Protection Agency on Friday issued a finding that carbon dioxide and other greenhouse gases pose a danger to the public, setting the stage for a battle over regulations that could have far-reaching impact on the U.S. economy. Unless superseded by congressional action, the EPA finding potentially could lead to a wave of new regulations, putting stricter emissions limits on a wide range of enterprises from power plants and oil refineries to automobiles and cement makers. Business groups have warned that using the Clean Air Act to control greenhouse gases could result in costly new burdens for businesses. Environmental groups have cheered the signals that the Obama administration would declare greenhouse gases a danger.

Save your breath, save the planet

Save your breath, save the planet

The House Energy and Commerce Committee will hold hearings this week on an Obama proposal to cap carbon emissions and sell tradable permits that businesses must buy to emit carbon dioxide. The EPA finding comes about two years after the Supreme Court found that carbon dioxide is a pollutant under the Clean Air Act and that the EPA can regulate it. The finding marks a significant turn in U.S. policy on climate change. It isn’t clear how quickly the Obama administration will act to start writing new rules based on the EPA finding.

Broken dagger

Broken dagger

The Sun reported that hospitals are treating a flood of agonized men for fractured penises due to a bizarre sex craze. Doctors in Jamaica report the number of cases has almost trebled in a year after a rise in so-called “daggering”. They say injuries occur during the fast, rough intercourse and can result in permanent damage. A doctor at Kingston Public Hospital on the island said: “We have noticed an increase. During very rigorous intercourse the man can hit the woman’s pubic bone and sustain a fracture. There is a loud popping sound, excruciating pain and swelling.”

Soon to be nutless monkey

Soon to be nutless monkey

NineMSN reported that the monkey business is about to end for some Brazilian primates. Health officials in the central city of Goiania plan to perform vasectomies on 25 wild, urban-dwelling monkeys to keep their population in check and control disease. They’re looking to catch male Capuchin monkeys in three city parks, each of which has about eight female mates. The animals will be netted, snipped and released. The parks’ monkey population has grown to about 170 in recent months, and project head Marize Moreira said on Thursday some have been found to carry yellow fever. Sick monkeys can’t pass the disease directly to humans, but mosquitoes that bite infected monkeys can transmit it.

Don't try building these at home; professionals only

Don't try building these at home; professionals only

In other news, the UK Metro reported Thursday that a man has been arrested in Spain for using veterinary instruments to perform breast and buttock implants on patients in his squalid home. The man, who reports say did not have a medical license, is believed to have charged patients between €250 and €500 to inject them with liquid silicone – using instruments designed for use by vets to inject animals. The injections were carried out in his home, which was reported to be filthy, and was also home to three dogs, one cat and a parrot. The man was arrested on Friday, following a complaint about a sub-standard breast enhancement. No word on whether he also cut off monkey’s nuts or repaired dagger damaged men’s dicks, but chances are he was exhaling carbon dioxide with no thought to the environment.  The bastard.

(C) 2009 InebriatedPress.com

EPA Calls Greenhouse Gases a Danger
http://online.wsj.com/article/SB123997738881429275.html#mod=djemalertNEWS

Forget scary eco-crunch: This Earth is enough
Environmental campaigners say we’d need five planets if we all lived at American standards. Catchy – but wrong
http://www.theglobeandmail.com/servlet/story/LAC.20090416.COLOMBORG16ART1953//TPStory/Comment

‘Daggering’ sex alert for blokes
http://www.thesun.co.uk/sol/homepage/news/article2379533.ece

Brazilian monkeys face vasectomies
http://news.ninemsn.com.au/article.aspx?id=802835

Fake doctor used vet tools for boob jobs
http://www.metro.co.uk/weird/article.html?Fake_doctor_used_vet_tools_for_boob_jobs&in_article_id=623247&in_page_id=2

Comments Off on Air is Killing You, Dagger-Dicking is Damaging, and Brazilian Monkey Nuts get the Axe

Filed under Humor, IP News