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Home Grown US Terrorism, Breastfeeding Boosts GPA, and Most American’s are Conservatives

> American-born Islamic murderer spikes fear of more
> Breastfeeding leads to higher grade point average and college attendance
> Gallup poll: 40% of Americans are conservative, 35% moderate, 21% liberal

Inebriated Press
June 17, 2009

Harvesting higher IQ's and better GPA's

Harvesting higher IQ's and better GPA's

Associated Press reported Monday that an American-born Tennessee youth who became an Islamic extremist and then murdered U.S. Army recruiter Pvt. William Andrew Long on June 1 while he stood outside his Arkansas office smoking a cigarette, is sparking fears that there may be more.  And United Press International reported Monday that a new study shows that breastfeeding is associated with an increase in high school grade point average, and an increase in odds of attending college.  Meanwhile, Gallup reported on Monday that 40% of Americans interviewed in a new poll say their political views are conservative, while 35% consider themselves moderate, and 21% are liberal.  Pundits are debating how to get more people to breastfeed so their IQ’s are higher and they vote using common sense, so the U.S. will return to a free market economy, support individual and states’ rights, and fight terrorism in a practical waterboarding-if-necessary way in America and abroad.

Some guy named Zachary

Some guy named Zachary

“I think that with all the other crap the Democrats are sticking into their multi-trillion-dollar spending bills that we should be able to slip a breastfeeding provision into the healthcare bill.  If it’s found-out and fought by liberals, we may be able to get Bill Clinton to support it and offset them; I know he’s into breasts and stuff.  And once American’s are breastfeeding during office breaks and so-on, we’ll drive up the nations IQ average to a level where we’ll start behaving like traditional common-sense America again,” said Zachary Taylor-Maid, a golf shop pro and breast milk aficionado.  “I mean there’s serious shit to do, and we have to do it fast.  Obama is bankrupting the country and setting the stage for hyper inflation.  China, Russia and India are bailing U.S. Treasury’s and with U.S. printing presses hemorrhaging thousand dollar bills our currency will become worthless.  Meanwhile, he’s giving Miranda rights to terrorists in Afghanistan and taking away individual freedoms from Americans — all the way down to our friggin pocket knives.  Traditional America is on the ropes here.  The recent Republican Congress screwed up, but Obama and the Democrat Congress have us on a course to become a third world economy run by a Latin American styled dictatorship.  I’m worried whether there’s enough breast milk in America to turn this thing around as fast as we need to.”

Someone named Amy

Someone named Amy

“Not everyone thinks like Taylor-Maid.  “I’d be willing to chip-in a little breast milk if I was lactating, if I actually thought that creating a human breast milk product for American’s would be good for the country.  But let’s face it, this is crazy talk.  If you think that breast milk is better for you than Jack Daniels then you’ll probably also believe that Barack Obama doesn’t understand basic economics, rule of law and the U.S. Constitution.  We all know deep down that Barry is like a god and is doing an ingenious job of saving our country,” said Amy Clambake-Hymlick, an alfalfa sprout inspector and part-time nudist.  “The crazy right needs to chill out and realize that there are going to be an occasional US-born Islamic killer who shoots people because he disagrees with them. We’re all part of the whole world now, and there’ll probably be some Islamic extremist beheadings of Christians in the U.S. and there’ll probably be a few complaints when Barack creates his internal army and takes Americans guns and pocketknives away.  But it’s all part of the hope and change plan.  It’s nothing to worry about; Barry is simply integrating America into the world and making it more like a combination of the Middle East, Western Europe and Latin America.  Old style Constitutional law, individual freedom and free market economics don’t fit his vision.  It’s time we relax and get used to it.”

Arkansas JihadAssociated Press reported that Carlos Bledsoe’s transformation from Tennessee youth to an American-born Islamic extremist charged in a bloody rampage outside an Arkansas military recruiting station may signal an ominous new wave of violent homegrown jihadists, counterterror officials say. National security officials have long feared the emergence of a new breed of American militants who would raise little suspicion as they move in and out of the country carrying out the aims of terrorist groups like al-Qaida. Abdulhakim Muhammad, who grew up in Memphis, Tenn., converted to the Islamic faith, changed his name from Bledsoe, and traveled to Yemen in 2007. He was later arrested for overstaying his visa and deported back to the U.S. Muhammad was charged with killing Pvt. William Andrew Long, 23, of Conway, Ark., who had just completed basic training and was volunteering at the west Little Rock recruiting office before starting an assignment in South Korea. He was shot dead on June 1 while smoking a cigarette outside the building. An FBI-Homeland Security intelligence assessment document suggested Muhammad may have considered targeting other locations, including Jewish and Christian sites in several eastern U.S. cities.

Pvt. William Andrew Long

Pvt. William Andrew Long

Muhammad, 23, told The Associated Press in a jail cell interview last week that the shootings were an “act for the sake of God, for the sake of Allah, the Lord of all the world, and also a retaliation on U.S. military.” Earlier this year four Muslim ex-convicts were arrested in New York for allegedly plotting to bomb synagogues and shoot down military planes. While federal authorities foiled the plan, the incident inflamed concerns about the spread of Islamic extremism in prisons. Counterterrorism officials warn that unless individuals attract attention either through criminal behavior or even threat-laced Internet postings, U.S.-born radicals — particularly those operating alone — could go unseen until they take action. “One of the scariest things is that we don’t have a profile for how someone becomes radicalized,” said counterterrorism expert Matthew Levitt. “It’s different for everybody.”

This is raising his IQ, right?

This is raising his IQ, right?

United Press International reported that breastfeeding was associated with an increase in high school grade point average and an increase in the odds of attending college, U.S. researchers said. The study, published in the Journal of Human Capital, looked at the academic achievement of siblings — one of whom was breast fed as an infant and one of whom was not — found that an additional month of breastfeeding was associated with an increase in high school GPA of 0.019 points and an increase in the probability of college attendance of 0.014. “The results of our study suggest that the cognitive and health benefits of breast feeding may lead to important long-run educational benefits for children,” Sabia said in a statement.

Click to enlarge

Click to enlarge

Gallup.com reported that thus far in 2009, 40% of Americans interviewed in national Gallup Poll surveys describe their political views as conservative, 35% as moderate, and 21% as liberal. This represents a slight increase for conservatism in the U.S. since 2008, returning it to a level last seen in 2004. The 21% calling themselves liberal is in line with findings throughout this decade, but is up from the 1990s. These annual figures are based on multiple national Gallup surveys conducted each year, in some cases encompassing more than 40,000 interviews. The 2009 data are based on 10 separate surveys conducted from January through May. Thus, the margins of error around each year’s figures are quite small, and changes of only two percentage points are statistically significant. Thus far in 2009, Gallup has found an average of 36% of Americans considering themselves Democratic, 28% Republican, and 37% independent. When independents are pressed to say which party they lean toward, 51% identify as Democrats, 39% as Republicans, and only 9% as pure independents.

Living on the edge

Living on the edge

In other news, Forbes reported on Saturday that driving is the greatest threat to a woman’s health. If you’re like most women, you probably think breast cancer or maybe heart disease is the greatest risk to your health. Guess again. The real culprit is getting behind the wheel. Automobile accidents are the leading cause of death in women under the age of 35, according to the Centers for Disease Control, and are also a major cause of traumatic brain injury and fatality in women of all ages. But before you throw in your keys for good, a wealth of new research shows that auto accidents are highly preventable. The single best way to stay safe can be summed up like so: “Avoid getting distracted while operating your vehicle.” 

Ben & Jerry'sNo word on whether consuming breast milk or driving during lactation has any impact, but American’s were certainly distracted during the recent elections and the country has crashed into a ditch and our leadership has accelerated us toward a massive cliff.  Here’s hoping we come to our senses with or without pausing for afternoon breast milk breaks.  Mmmm IQ-building GPA-enhancing sweet-breast-milk breaks … who cares what Obama is doing!     Sorry about that, I think Obama & Company may be driving me mad.

(C) 2009 InebriatedPress.com

Source articles:

Recruiter shootings spark homegrown terror fears
http://news.yahoo.com/s/ap/20090615/ap_on_go_ca_st_pe/us_homegrown_radicals?ic

Breastfeeding may boost grades
http://www.upi.com/Health_News/2009/06/15/Breastfeeding-may-boost-grades/UPI-27101245042298/

“Conservatives” Are Single-Largest Ideological Group
http://www.gallup.com/poll/120857/Conservatives-Single-Largest-Ideological-Group.aspx

Driving is the real threat to a woman’s health
http://www.ctv.ca/servlet/ArticleNews/story/CTVNews/20090611/Forbes_women_health_090613/20090613?s_name=Autos

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Japanese Girls like Tough Guys, Florida’s New Underwear Law, and Media’s View of Obama as God

> Women in Japan crazy about Shogun Warlords: “picture-perfect masculinity”
> City in Florida passes new law requiring underwear
> Newsweek Editor on Obama: “He’s sort of God”

Inebriated Press
June 16, 2009

Busted

Busted

The Mainichi Daily News reported Saturday that young women are flocking to landmarks from the Warring States period, and college girls are buying up samurai-themed products. There is a constant shortage of men’s “armor” underwear and 80 percent of the buyers are women.  And Florida’s St. Petersburg Times reported that the Brooksville City Council has passed new rules that require people to wear clothes that “fit properly” and the wearing of underwear.  Enforcement of the new rules is in question.  Meanwhile, The New Republic reported that longtime Newsweek editor Evan Thomas told MSNBC’s Chris Matthew’s that Barack Obama stands above the country, above the world, as a “sort of God”.  Pundits are debating the power of underwear and Obama’s godhood.

Someone named Andrea

Someone named Andrea

“Pardon me if I don’t believe that Obama is God or that underwear in any form is destined to give me power I don’t currently have.  I understand the idea that putting great faith into something or someone can cause change in that it alters our perspectives and influences our behavior, but power and godhood from panties or a community organizer is a bit of a stretch,” said Andrea Aloha-Alabaster, a pastry chef and sensuous Hawaiian without a birth certificate who plans to run for government office some day.  “Political power is given by the people to a leader in the same way states grant authority to the federal government.  At least that’s how it’s supposed to work.  The federal government should not impose its will upon the states, unless the states grant it that right.  And no president should impose their will, or act like a god, unless the citizens establish that power within the presidency — and they have not.  Obama is no god, and my underwear, although silky and comfortable when I wear them, grants me no greater power than I carry already as an American citizen and an intelligent and cogent human being.  I am as I should be, let government and elected leaders be as they should be.  Now enough of the bullshit.”

Power underwear

Power underwear

Not everyone sees it the way Aloha-Alabaster does.  “When I have on my red underwear and garters with black stockings I wield power over men that I don’t have if I just wear my pink panties with the days-of-the-week on them.  There’s no question in my mind that the right underwear gives me power well beyond that of a typical person on a Tuesday.  And Barack Obama is way more than an organizer; he clearly is a god, maybe THEE god, because no typical organizer without government or business experience could have been elected president of the United States.  He must be god — or a demon — I’m pretty sure he’s the god thing,” said Cassy Sassy-Leather, a pole polisher down at the Hot Lace and Cool Leather Lounge.  “And power simply accrues to those who wield it indiscriminately unless they’re restricted.  No one is restricting Barack, so he’s on his way to ruling as god on earth.  And the federal government is absorbing states rights and assuming their power.  It’s no big deal; it’s just the way things work if no one stops it.  See this black bra and these red satin panties?  Watch me walk past those guys over there.  They’d kiss my ass and worship me if I asked them.  I’m like a god with these on in here.  Only Obama can get his ass kissed more than I can, but then he actually is god so you have to expect that.”

On the hunt for picture-perfect masculinity

On the hunt for picture-perfect masculinity

The Mainichi Daily News reported that young women are flocking to significant landmarks from the Warring States period, and college girls are buying up samurai-themed products. Sales of historical books are up, and there have been efforts to revive the publication of paperbacks on warlords. On weekends, Jidai Shobo, a bookstore specializing in historical books in Tokyo’s Chiyoda Ward, is packed with groups of young women. Stationery and mobile phone accessories with family crests of feudal lords line the shelves, with figurines of Sanada Yukimura, the most popular of the warlords, and others also for sale. “I like Kato Kiyomasa,” says customer Izumi Sekine, 34, of a warlord who served the shogun Tokugawa Ieyasu. “There’s an almost picture-perfect masculinity about him.”  More unorthodox products have seen a boost in sales as well. There is a constant shortage in stock of Sido brand underwear or men’s “armor” underwear, which cost a considerable 9,240 a pair. According to Tokyo-based manufacturer Rogin, about 80 percent of buyers are women. Researcher Tetsuaki Higashida from the Dentsu Communication Institute suggests that women are attracted to the masculinity of these warlords, compared to the more passive modern men that they know.

Can't work in this town girl

Can't work in this town girl

The St. Petersburg Times reported that if you want to work for the city of Brooksville, be sure that you use deodorant, that your clothes fit properly and that you cover up your wounds and tattoos. And, for goodness sake, wear underwear. If not, you could violate the city’s new dress code. The Brooksville City Council approved a dress and appearance policy by a count of 4-1 this month, with only Mayor Joe Bernardini casting the dissenting vote. He questioned how the code would be interpreted and enforced. “They said you had to wear undergarments,” Bernardini said, “but who’s going to be the judge of that? Sometimes when it comes to certain people going bra-less, it’s obvious. But who’s staring to see if that person doesn’t have underwear on?” City department heads and managers will be required to interpret and enforce the dress code.

"He's sort of God"

"He's sort of God"

The New Republic reported that Evan Thomas, a longtime editor at Newsweek, told Chris Matthews’s on MSNBC: “I mean, in a way, Obama’s standing above the country, above–above the world, he’s sort of God.” Such words would wreak havoc on any person’s ego, even Barack Obama’s. It also would enrage his enemies. After all, the president has told us that he is a mere student of history, and that he is. But history these days is no longer a discipline inclined to defend the truthfulness of its claims or the reasonableness of its arguments or the plausibility of its conclusions. More and more, history has become a competition between and among narratives, self-consciously disdainful of what we used to think of as fact. In this intellectual competition, the losers almost always win or, at least, they win the “moral argument.” Not in real history, mind you, but in many a Western professor’s classroom. And, sometimes, in an American president’s mind.

The truth is that Barack Obama has a penchant for narratives and yet an inclination to rise above them. Two grand but antithetical stories about the same problem, awaiting him and his Olympian skill for the discovery of “common ground”: That is Obama’s favorite script. He regards himself as a kind of unprecedented referee between histories and philosophies. He likes to think that he can see what others cannot see and that, therefore, they must come to him if they wish to live in peace and with meaning.

Obama: New GodIn addressing American intelligence and security professionals at the National Archives, the president aimed at bridging differences by showing that apparent contradictions are not contradictions at all and that everything will go together, if only for as long as he is speaking. National security that never compromises national values? No problem. National values that guarantee national security? Say it and it will be done. Yes, we have values that elevate and restrict us at once, the ideal of free men and women that procedurally protects also the guilty and the wicked–and never mind that, absent energetic domestic and international defenses, these principles would be outmaneuvered and outclassed on both fronts. And again at Notre Dame, the same above-it-all structure of rhetorical conciliation was applied by Obama to the subject of abortion. “Open hearts. Open minds. Fair-minded words.” Nice enough. But the debate on abortion will not be so tidily retired. All of this is rising above but not really reconciling anything. [Editors note: some people refer to Obama’s rhetorical approach as an exercise in “bullshit”; that’s a technical term]

Sex on the beachIn other news, Live Science reported on Friday that summer time sex is risky. With its warm nights, the summer season often brings out the best and the most adventurous feelings of love and lust. Why confine sex to the bedroom, or even the house, when there are beaches and pools and hot tubs to host our most private moments? A few reasons, as it turns out. Condom companies don’t test their products in such a condition, and therefore can’t vouch for their effectiveness when used in pools, hot tubs or other wet and wild setups. You might want to avoid water sex anyway, as improperly maintained pools, hot tubs and Jacuzzis can be breeding grounds for bacteria. And sand isn’t so good either.  According to researchers, 91 percent of the beaches they studied had detectable levels of enterococci (bacteria that can cause urinary tract infections, endocarditis, diverticulitis and meningitis), and 62 percent of them had traces of E. coli. No word on how masculinity-seeking Japanese women feel about summer sex but I’m sure that Obama’s national healthcare plan will have something to say on the subject.  And it’ll be right on target.  Because god always is.

(C) 2009 InebriatedPress.com

Source articles:

New wave of ‘history girls’ wooed by warlords’ masculinity
http://mdn.mainichi.jp/mdnnews/national/news/20090613p2a00m0na027000c.html

Brooksville’s new dress code requires deodorant, underwear
http://www.tampabay.com/news/politics/local/article1009923.ece

Narrative Dissonance
“I mean, in a way, Obama’s standing above the country, above–above the world, he’s sort of God.”
http://www.tnr.com/politics/story.html?id=cd70b25d-12b5-4f6f-8fd3-4a965be569f3

The Risks of Summer Sex
http://news.yahoo.com/s/livescience/20090612/sc_livescience/therisksofsummersex

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Miranda Rights for Terrorists, Pocket Knife Bans for Americans, and Men Reject Centerfolds for Miss Average

> Obama Administration Orders U.S. Miranda rights for Afghan Combatants
> Obama Administration’s New Rules would Ban Legal Pocketknives in U.S.
> Researchers say Men Prefer Regular Women over Playboy Models

Inebriated Press \ Division of Rant (with Pretzels)
June 15, 2009

Hope and Change Baby

Hope and Change Baby

The Weekly Standard reported Wednesday that the Obama Justice Department has ordered FBI agents to read Miranda rights to high value detainees captured and held at U.S. detention facilities in Afghanistan.  This means they get the same rights as an American arrested for speeding on a U.S. street, and can have a government attorney defend them if they want one.  And WorldNetDaily reported Tuesday that the U.S. Customs and Border Protection Agency is proposing a new definition that could be used to eliminate 8 of 10 legal pocketknives in the United States.  Meanwhile, the Herald Sun reported Friday that researchers have found that men think real women come closest to the ideal body shape rather than the figures of Playboy centerfolds.  Pundits debate why Obama is giving terrorists rights and taking them away from Americans, while men at Inebriated Press exercise their right to hook up with the girls-next door.

Average Jane for Average Joe

Average Jane for Average Joe

“I like my women silicon-free, smart and nice and not so into themselves that they think they have to look like a Playboy chick or act like Paris Hilton in order to get a date.  I also like my pocketknives long and easy to open, and terrorists who try to kill Americans put on a waterboard if it’ll help our cause.  Okay so I’m not cut from the same cloth Obama or Hugh Hefner is — I’m actually happy about that,” said Joe Shmo-Studd, a commodities trader and part-time bouncer down at Susie’s Regular Girl and Regular Guy Beer Emporium.  “Obama said he loved America and wanted to change it, and by damn he’s changing it alright.  I wonder what he loved about it?  Obviously it’s not the individual freedom and opportunity provided to regular Americans.  He’s taking away our freedoms, giving unjustified rights to terrorists, and mortgaging several generations’ futures by spending money we don’t have.  I’m praying that the Republican Party get’s it’s shit together and behaves like Reagan did, and can take Congress back next year.  I like regular women, regular knives and common sense that favor Americans in combat.  It’s not complicated.  It shouldn’t be complicated.  Liberal philosophy that hurts Americans and helps its enemy’s is bullshit.  Obama really believes the anti-American crap his pals Bill Ayers and Rev. Jeremiah Wright were dishing out.  The proof’s in his actions.  They speak way louder than his words.”

Can't compete with Average

Can't compete with Average

Not everyone agrees with Shmo-Studd.  “Barack Obama is doing what’s right by leveling the playing field in the world and making the globe a better, fairer and more equitable place.  Soon America’s economy will be at a third world country level and it’ll be ruled by an old-school Latin American styled dictatorship.  This is outstanding,” said some anti-American asshole recently appointed to the Obama Justice Department — or maybe it was a new Supreme Court Justice, I forget, they all act the same.  “As someone a lot like a left-wing Latino woman I’d explain how this benefits all Americans, but you’re probably just some white guy, or know of one, so you couldn’t understand because you lack the intellectual capacity derived from the experience I have of just being me.  You poor dumb bastard.  You probably think individual freedom, personal responsibility and the U.S. Constitution are useful.  You’re way behind the eight ball.  Not even close.  I’d pity you but we liberal intellectuals don’t really give a shit about anyone but ourselves.  At least the enlightened ones don’t.”

Beheading in War like binge drinking in Kansas

Beheading in War like binge drinking in Kansas

The Weekly Standard reported that the Obama Justice Department has quietly ordered FBI agents to read Miranda rights to high value detainees captured and held at U.S. detention facilities in Afghanistan, according to a senior Republican on the House Intelligence Committee. “The administration has decided to change the focus to law enforcement. Here’s the problem. You have foreign fighters who are targeting US troops today — foreign fighters who go to another country to kill Americans. We capture them and they’re reading them their rights — Mirandizing these foreign fighters,” says Representative Mike Rogers, who recently met with military, intelligence and law enforcement officials on a fact-finding trip to Afghanistan. The FBI and Justice Department plan to significantly expand their role in global counter-terrorism operations, part of a U.S. policy shift that will replace a CIA-dominated system of clandestine detentions and interrogations with one built around transparent investigations and prosecutions.

Obama montageAmericans are familiar with the Miranda warning — so named because of the landmark 1966 Supreme Court case Miranda v. Arizona that required police officers and other law enforcement officials to advise suspected criminals of their rights: “You have the right to remain silent. Anything you say can and will be used against you in a court of law. You have the right to speak to an attorney, and to have an attorney present during any questioning. If you cannot afford a lawyer, one will be provided for you at government expense.” Republicans on Capitol Hill are not happy. “When they mirandize a suspect, the first thing they do is warn them that they have the ‘right to remain silent,'” says Representative Pete Hoekstra, the ranking Republican on the House Intelligence Committee. “It would seem the last thing we want is Khalid Sheikh Mohammed or any other al-Qaeda terrorist to remain silent. Our focus should be on preventing the next attack, not giving radical jihadists a new tactic to resist interrogation–lawyering up.”

Banned for your protection

Banned for your protection

WorldNet Daily reported that the U.S. Customs and Border Protection Agency is proposing a new definition that could be used to eliminate 8 of 10 legal pocketknives in the United States right now, according to activists who are gearing up to fight the plan. The federal bureaucracy is accepting comments – written only – that must be received by June 21 before its planned changes could become final, and Doug Ritter of KnifeRights.org, said the implications of the decision would be far-reaching, since many state and federal agencies depend on the agency’s definitions to determine what is legal in the United States. Ritter said the effect of the proposed change would be that the new design in knives, many of which contain a tiny spring to help the user pull open the blade and lock it into position, would be classified alongside those true weapons where the user just presses a button and the blade is ejected. “They are saying that any knife that you can open quickly or any knife that you can open with one hand is therefore a switchblade,” Ritter told WND. Ritter suggested that up to 80 percent of the pocketknives sold in America today either are one-handed opening knives or so-called assisted opening knives – and they all suddenly would be classified as illegal switchblades.

Regular gals kick Playboy's ass; no wonder Playboy's broke

Regular gals kick Playboy's ass; no wonder Playboy's broke

The Herald Sun reported that far from idolizing slender models, it seems gentlemen actually prefer Miss Average. It turns out that while women turn to plastic surgery or fad diets to get the “perfect” body of supermodels and centerfolds, men find the girl next door more appealing. Most attractive of all is Miss Average who stands at 163cm, with a 76cm waist and 102cm hips, a study found. Researchers asked 100 male students to rate the attractiveness of more than 200 drawings of female torsos of different sizes. They then compared those considered most attractive with the vital statistics of eight groups, including models, Playboy centerfolds and typical members of the population. The real women came closest to the ideal body shape identified in the first part of the study. And the most appealing measured equivalent to a size 14. Curvy women were also judged more appealing than either athletic types or long-legged, big-chested “Barbies”.

Drunk babes prep for Miranda rights

Drunk babes prep for Miranda rights

In other news, Metro reported Thursday that binge drinking used to affect men more frequently but now women are downing nearly as much alcohol. More than two-fifths of all 16 to 24-year-old women questioned in a study admitted going over recommended booze limits at least one day a week. “As a result, the number of young women drinking more than the recommended daily limit has now reached a similar level to that of young men,” according to the Office of National Statistics. No word on whether women who binge drink like pocketknives or if they prefer looking like the girl-next-door, but if they’re driving home drunk you can bet they know all about Miranda rights.  Or will real soon.

(C) 2009 InebriatedPress.com

Source articles:

Not Right
The Obama administration grants Miranda rights to detainees in Afghanistan.
http://www.weeklystandard.com/Content/Public/Articles/000/000/016/605iidws.asp

Obama move would eliminate 8 of 10 pocketknives
‘If this were to pass and you cross the state line with one, it’s a felony’
http://wnd.com/index.php?fa=PAGE.view&pageId=100679

Men reject centerfolds for Miss Average
Far from idolizing slender models, it seems gentlemen actually prefer Miss Average.
http://www.news.com.au/story/0,27574,25623858-36398,00.html

Female binge drinkers matching men
Binge drinking used to affect men more frequently but now women are downing nearly as much alcohol.
http://www.metro.co.uk/news/article.html?Female_binge_drinkers_matching_men&in_article_id=683888&in_page_id=34

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Filed under Division of Rant (with Pretzels), Humor, IP News

Million Dollar Mattress, Hummingbird Sex, and Obama’s TARP Illusion

> Family tosses mattress housing $1 million cash stash
> G-Force’s during Hummingbird Sex would make Fighter Pilots Pass Out
> Obama’s TARP czar has no idea if it’s working, or where the money’s gone

Inebriated Press
June 12, 2009

Sex at the speed of a Hummingbird

Sex at the speed of a Hummingbird

AFP reported Thursday that a woman threw out her mothers’ old mattress not knowing it was stuffed with one million dollars.  And New Scientist reported Wednesday that during courtship-flights male hummingbirds sustain g-forces during acceleration that would cause a fighter jet pilot to pass out.  Meanwhile, The Weekly Standard reported Tuesday that Obama’s TARP oversight chair doesn’t know if it’s working, and doesn’t know where the money is going.  Vice President Joe Biden adds that “people are being scammed already” in the disbursement of $787 billion.  Some people say all’s fair in speed-sex and political-handouts.

A Happy Woman

A Happy Woman

“If you’re going for high-speed sex you have to expect to pass out now and then, it’s just a physical reality.  And if you’re going to jam though government spending plans so fast that no one reads the documentation or sets up a system of checks and balances, then you’re going to waste most of it, that’s just a bureaucratic reality,” said Happy Lucki-Thimaster, a sex worker and political analyst who built her trade during the Bill Clinton administration. “There’s nothing surprising or unusual about any of this.  And if you’re going to throw out other peoples mattresses without checking with them first, you may be tossing out something more valuable than you think.  But what the heck, all’s fair in fast sex, government mismanagement of your tax dollars, and lost fortunes in old bedding.  Shit happens and lots of times it’s purely predictable.  I can’t help but fantasize about having speed sex on a million dollar mattress bought with TARP funds.  It would be a real rush.  Makes me tingly just thinking about it.  Does it feel warm in here to you?”

Someone named Tricia

Someone named Tricia

Not everyone sees it the way Lucki-Thimaster does.  “Humming birds aren’t having high-speed sex; they’re just flapping their wings really fast, that’s all.  And Obama has his fingers on the pulse of everything and knows exactly what he’s doing and where all our money is going.  He said he’d go through the TARP thing and the budget line-by-line personally, and would account for every penny.  Trust him, he’s not just flapping his lips really fast,” said Tricia Kum-Lately, a circus manager and silicon investor, who often does Dallas just because.  “I had a million dollar mattress once but I quit hooking because it was bothering my back.  Now I work with circus clowns.  It’s remarkable how similar they are to the Democrat Congress and Obama administration — and I mean that in a positive way.  They could run the country just as well.  It gives me confidence that democracy works because it doesn’t take any brains or special training to run the world’s biggest economy.  Joe Biden is proof of that.  I’m so proud of this country.  In fact I think it’s the first time in my life that I’m really proud of America.  I guess I’ve got that in common with Michelle Obama.”

A surprising mattress

A surprising mattress

AFP reported that a stash of cash landed in the trash when a woman in Israel dumped her mother’s mattress not knowing it was stuffed with the equivalent of about one million dollars. Israeli media reported that the 40-year-old woman showed up at a garbage dump in a panic on Tuesday, looking for the valuable bedding. She had bought a new mattress for her mother and, wanting the gift to be a surprise, threw away the old one. She then found out the decades-old mattress contained her mother’s life savings. Workers are helping her search the garbage, but have found no sign of the cash so far.

Real hummingbird sex, or just faking it?

Real hummingbird sex, or just faking it?

New Scientist reported that male hummingbirds are breaking the speed record for love. During courtship flights, male Anna’s hummingbirds sustain accelerations that would cause a fighter jet pilot to pass out. Chris Clark, a biologist at the University of California at Berkeley, believes that the pressures of courtship push males to the limit of what is physically possible. Using high-speed video footage to study their flight, he has shown that, relative to their body size, male Anna’s hummingbirds are the fastest moving vertebrates. As they approach the ground, the hummingbirds spread their wings and tail, letting them pull them up into a skywards glide. At this stage, Clark calculated that their bodies undergo centripetal accelerations reaching 10 g – a force equivalent to 10 times the gravitational pull of Earth. Fighter jet pilots can pass out or temporarily lose their sight at accelerations above 7 g because their blood becomes unevenly distributed in their circulatory system.

We have no clue, but I wouldn't worry.

We have no clue, but I wouldn't worry.

The Weekly Standard reported that Obama’s transparency czar is using $84 million to build a web site that won’t be usable until October, and may not be useful until four years from now. Obama’s stimulus oversight guru, Joe Biden, says “people are being scammed already” in the disbursement of $787 billion. And, when asked whether TARP is working, Prof. Elizabeth Warren— head of the Congressionally formed oversight committee for that particular trillion-dollar project—says: “We can’t disclose what isn’t known. We’ve disclosed as much as we can, we’ve addressed this in our various reports. The Secretary of the Treasury says there are some positive indicators and there some negative indicators still in the economy. And that’s the best we can do.”  Aren’t giant, cumbersome government programs fun, especially now that the Obama administration’s cult of competence is in charge and offering unprecedented transparency and accountability?  When asked if she had a clear sense of what the overall TARP plan was and whether she was capable of summarizing what it’s supposed to be doing, she said: “No. And neither is Treasury. Treasury has given us multiple contradictory explanations for what it’s trying to accomplish.”

Fear not, for the wind and waves obey me

Fear not, for the wind and waves obey me

In other news, Associated Press reported Wednesday that the wind, a favorite power source of the green energy movement, seems to be dying down across the United States. And the cause, ironically, may be global warming – the very problem wind power seeks to address. The idea that winds may be slowing is still a speculative one, and scientists disagree whether that is happening. But a first-of-its-kind study suggests that average and peak wind speeds have been noticeably slowing since 1973, especially in the Midwest and the East. The study, which will be published in August in the peer-reviewed Journal of Geophysical Research, is preliminary, however, a couple of earlier studies also found wind reductions in Australia and Europe, offering more comfort that the U.S. findings are real. The new study “demonstrates, rather conclusively in my mind, that average and peak wind speeds have decreased over the U.S. in recent decades,” said Michael Mann, director of the Earth System Science Center at Penn State University.  No word on how the scientists feel about high-speed sex, million dollar mattresses or wasted TARP money, but you can bet they’re trying to harness the hot air pouring out of D.C. as a new energy source.  Or at least trying to get their piece of the federal budget so they can study it.

(C) 2009 InebriatedPress.com

Source articles:

Dumped mattress lands cash in trash in Israel
http://www.google.com/hostednews/afp/article/ALeqM5hvRwWnDjIUF3gNuTPVjHc7OPjTag

Male hummingbirds break speed record for love
http://www.newscientist.com/article/dn17277-male-hummingbirds-break-speed-record-for-love.html

video — http://brightcove.newscientist.com/services/player/bcpid1873822884?bctid=25816667001

TARP Oversight Chair Says She Doesn’t Know Whether It’s Working
http://www.weeklystandard.com/weblogs/TWSFP/2009/06/tarp_oversight_chair_says_she.asp

US Stimulus Fraud could hit $50B
http://macedoniaonline.eu/content/view/7101/52/

Not so windy: Research suggests winds dying down
http://hosted.ap.org/dynamic/stories/U/US_SCI_DIMINISHING_WINDS?SITE=PAPIT&SECTION=NATIONAL&TEMPLATE=DEFAULT

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NASA says Sun Causes Global Warming, Microsoft says Obama Tax Plan Will Cause Global Relocation; and Judge Rules Party Girl Can Go Out Saturday Nights

> New NASA study shows Sun Responsible for Planet Warming
> Microsoft CEO talks offshore move over Obama Tax Scheme
> Girl Guilty of Assault at Party gets Saturdays Off from Curfew

Inebriated Press
June 9, 2009

Party girl, or realist?

Party girl, or realist?

The Dakota Voice reported Friday that a new NASA study has determined that solar variation has made a significant impact on the Earth’s climate, and evidence for climate change based on the sun can be traced back as far as the Industrial Revolution.  And Bloomberg reported Wednesday that Microsoft CEO Steven Ballmer said they will move employees offshore if Congress enacts Obama’s plan to put higher taxes on U.S. companies’ foreign profits.  Meanwhile, United Press International (UPI) reported on Friday that a judge sentenced a 19-year old girl to stay home every night of the week but Saturday for an assault she committed at a party.  Pundits are debating the existence of “cause and effect” during the new era of Obamanomic relativism built on “hope and change”.

Someone named Penelope

Someone named Penelope

“Old school ‘forces of nature’ are irrelevant in this new age of economic and moral relativism, and just going with the flow of ethereal thought, government spending and passivism toward countries like Iran and North Korea as well as organizations like Al Qaeda and Hamas, is the way to find peace and happiness.  Obama’s new socialist America will make all of our dreams come true.  Besides, resistance is futile,” said Penelope Psyborg-Pusch, an amateur rocket scientist and part-time stripper at the Blonde Heifer Lounge and Waffle House.  “NASA is being silly about the sun, everyone knows that humans impact the earth’s temperature more than solar power, Al Gore proved that when he said it was so.  And no company will really relocate from the U.S. just because the Obama tax plan will take more of their profits and redistribute them to liberal voters.  Such talk by a company CEO is just bluster.  Now the girl who assaulted people at parties, she should be able to still go to parties, so that judge who said she needed to stay home weeknights but not weekends was right on.  No one should really be held responsible for their behavior as though their actions caused something.  The whole cause and effect theory is behind us now, and no longer relevant.  Obama is the new master of the economic world, as well as the physical world and time and space.  The quicker we realize that, the happier we’ll all be.  I wonder why my foot hurts.  A car ran over it earlier today but that couldn’t be the cause.  It’s just some random bodily event I suppose.  Like my period.”

Someone named Linda

Someone named Linda

Not everyone agrees with Psyborg-Pusch.  “Anyone can say that natural laws no longer exist and deny them if they want, but it doesn’t make them go away.  Pretending we impact the planet more that the celestial bodies around us, or that over-taxed companies won’t react to preserve themselves by abandoning the country they were founded in, is wrong not to mention it’s the height of arrogance.  The sun impacts the earth more than a few thousand SUV’s and Obama’s tax plans will cause the relocation of U.S. corporations to countries that are more tax friendly.  Cause and effect lives on,” said Linda Staiefree-Powers, a former pacifist-atheist who turned to god and guns after the Obama election.  “And if you think Obama’s massive spending won’t result in inflation and that the huge debt won’t crush the U.S. economically and even militarily, you’re dreaming.  The arrogance of some people astonishes me.  Socialism has never worked before, why will the Obama version be successful?  And some people think that with a few hundred years of data we can actually ‘know’ that you and I are changing the earth’s temperature and it’s not part of a thousand year cycle?  We think we alone exist in time and space that that no beings besides us exist in other dimensions that we can’t see?  In our little time crawling around on this planet we believe we’ve figured out that there are no gods and that relative ethics are humankind’s best hope for peace and harmony?  Our arrogance is truly amazing.  We know we understand more of the universe today than humans a thousand years ago, but we discount that humans a thousand years from now will know more than us.  And we think we have everything figured out.  Morons.  Will we refuse to learn from economic history, and deny the natural law inside our consciences as evidence that we came from more than dirt?  We lapse between belief that we’re animals or gods.  We’re both.  But too often we act like devils and behave dumber than cats.”

Global WarmingThe Dakota Voice reported that we have still more evidence that any warming occurring on planet earth is coming from natural sources and is cyclic in nature–NOT from the evil capitalism that Al Gore, the UN politicians at the IPCC and other socialists love to blame. A new study from NASA’s Goddard Space Flight Center in Greenbelt, Maryland looking at climate data over the past century has concluded that solar variation has made a significant impact on the Earth’s climate. The report concludes that evidence for climate changes based on solar radiation can be traced back as far as the Industrial Revolution. Past research has shown that the sun goes through eleven year cycles. At the cycle’s peak, solar activity occurring near sunspots is particularly intense, basking the Earth in solar heat. According to Robert Cahalan, a climatologist at the Goddard Space Flight Center, “Right now, we are in between major ice ages, in a period that has been called the Holocene.”

global warmingSolar activity is increasing, and we are coming out of the “Little Ice Age” of just a few hundred years ago. Of course the planet is warming–we’re coming out of a cold spell! The Maunder Minimum period of diminished solar activity coincided with the Little Ice Age when Europe and North America experienced bitterly cold winters. About 1,000 years ago, Greenland was warm enough for the Vikings to colonize and grow vineyards.  Today Greenland is almost entirely covered in ice.  Tell me: is the earth warmer today than it was 1,000 years ago?  Did they have SUVs and coal power plants in the days of the Vikings?  This isn’t tough to figure out, people. The only thing tough about the global warming debate is trying to get the facts to match the socialist agenda of the global warming proponents.  Try as they might, they just can’t do it, and more and more people are starting to see that.

Silly businessman who thinks taxes will cost his shareholders

Silly businessman who thinks taxes will cost his shareholders

Bloomberg reported that Microsoft Corp. Chief Executive Officer Steven Ballmer said the world’s largest software company would move some employees offshore if Congress enacts President Barack Obama’s plans to impose higher taxes on U.S. companies’ foreign profits. “It makes U.S. jobs more expensive,” Ballmer said in an interview. “We’re better off taking lots of people and moving them out of the U.S. as opposed to keeping them inside the U.S.” Obama on May 4 proposed outlawing or restricting about $190 billion in tax breaks for offshore companies over the next decade. Such business groups as the National Foreign Trade Council, the U.S. Chamber of Commerce and the Business Roundtable have denounced the proposed overhaul. U.S. tax rules let companies defer paying corporate rates as high as 35 percent on most types of foreign profits as long as that money remains invested overseas. Obama says he wants to end such incentives to keep foreign profits tax-deferred so that companies would invest them in the U.S.  Ballmer said that, while the Obama proposals would preserve expense deductions related to research and experimentation costs, the overall deduction limits for companies that defer tax on foreign profits would raise the cost of employing U.S. workers. Fiduciary responsibility to shareholders would require Microsoft to cut costs, he said, meaning many jobs would be moved out of the country. Ballmer estimated that higher taxes under the proposal would reduce profits for companies that comprise the Dow Jones Industrial Average by between 10 and 15 percentage points. “It’s just a question of how much will the Dow come down,” Ballmer said. “It’s not about companies anyway; we’re talking about shareholders.”

Just some party girl

Just some party girl

UPI reported that a judge in England sentenced a teenage girl to stay home every night of the week but Saturday for an assault she committed at a party. Judge William Hart told Lisa Partington, 19, she had a curfew from 9 p.m. to 7 a.m. every day for the next two months — except Saturdays. “I give you one day off a week because it is summer and I don’t think it is necessarily in your interests for you to be confined to your home every evening of the week for the next two months,” the judge was quoted by the newspaper as saying. Partington had admitted assaulting Kimberley Moxham at a party in September.

IRS version of Flat TaxIn other news, the Los Angeles Times reported Friday that Gov. Arnold Schwarzenegger said that he would like to see “radical” proposals come out of a commission now studying an overhaul of the state’s tax system, like “a 15% straight tax.” The current system, based on highly unstable income tax revenue that fluctuates with the economy, “doesn’t work,” Schwarzenegger said. Advocates of a flat tax, which applies a single tax rate to all income, say it increases compliance with the tax codes because it is so simple and easy to understand. But opponents dislike that it taxes the wealthy at the same rates as the poor.  No word on why these people don’t understand that the poor don’t pay income taxes, and that a flat tax is inherently fair, but then in a world where cause and effect no longer is in vogue and relative economics and ethics prevail, I should be getting used to this kind of insanity.  It’s no longer about common sense; it’s about “hope and change”.  As defined by the Obama minions. 

(C) 2009 InebriatedPress.com

 
Source articles:

NASA Study Shows Sun Responsible for Planet Warming
http://www.dakotavoice.com/2009/06/nasa-study-shows-sun-responsible-for-planet-warming/

Ballmer Says Tax Would Move Microsoft Jobs Offshore
http://www.bloomberg.com/apps/news?pid=20601087&sid=amBiYGyHOkZ8

Judge gives girl Saturdays off from curfew
http://www.upi.com/Odd_News/2009/06/05/Judge-gives-girl-Saturdays-off-from-curfew/UPI-38781244249132/

Schwarzenegger suggests state consider flat tax
http://latimesblogs.latimes.com/lanow/2009/06/flat-tax.html

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Schools Dodge Reality, “God” quotes Jimmi Hendrix, and Brothel features Male Prostitutes

> High School rejects valedictorian’s speech as “too real”
> Boy chosen as next Dalai Lama quotes Hendrix, bails Buddhist order
> Battling recession, brothel adds men for bigger market reach

 
Inebriated Press
June 8, 2009
 

Can this be marketed?

Can this be marketed?

Florida’s St. Petersburg Times reported Friday that Springstead High School has rejected Jem Lugo’s valedictory graduation speech because it was “too real”.  Lugo said nobody really tells students what they need to know in life and she set out to do it. “Get money,” was first on her to-do list.  And the UK Guardian reported a week ago Sunday that Osel Hita Torres, who was selected as a toddler to be the next Dalai Lama and put on a throne and worshipped by monks, has rejected the path and now is more likely to quote Jimi Hendrix than Buddha.  Meanwhile, Associated Press reported Friday that a Nevada brothel suffering from the recession thinks it’s been ignoring half the market – the half that prefers men – and is looking for male prostitutes.  Pundits are debating reality and illusion, and wondering how much longer American’s will ignore the disconnect between their love of Obama and their dislike for his policies.
 

Someone named Sandy

Someone named Sandy

“Polls have repeatedly shown that American’s like Obama and are hopeful that he’ll be a good president, but the same polls also show that the majority of American’s dislike his policies and think that they’re extremely risky and even economically dangerous,” said Sandy Shore-Beachead, a lithe and fertile thinker who sells furniture for money but gives good advice for free.  “They’re behaving like the Springhead High School administration that prefers to deal in platitudes and ignore the reality of what people are really facing.  It’s far better to step up to the plate like Osel Hita Torres who knows he’s not really god, and the brothel in Nevada that woke up to the fact that it’s been ignoring one half of the marketplace.  American’s need to realize that Obama IS his policies and all of his left-wing appointees reflect HIS beliefs and what HE WANTS the United States to become.  This blind stupor that has American’s thinking that Obama’s a great guy who somehow is surrounded by idiotic policy and leftist appointees as though it’s some accident or irrelevant illusion is ‘bullshit’.  That’s a technical term for the actual meaning of most things Obama says.  It’s time that people wake up and start acting within the reality that’s around them and stop pretending that Obama’s colorful rhetoric is somehow ‘truth’.  He’s no god either and hyper-spending will drive hyper-inflation and destroy this fine country.”
 

Someone named Mora

Someone named Mora

Not everyone agrees with Shore-Beachead.  “Obama is the light-bringer destine across time for this moment and he’ll lead us to a Statist-American paradise where all his appointed czars and state ownership of major corporations, control of healthcare and the environment, will bring us to nirvana,” said Mora Mi-Lov, a clerk at the Divine Smoke-Room and Vicks VapoRub Emporium, where her smile and gentle voice sooths the harried populous at $75 per hour.  “There’s no place in the Obama Age for a new Dalai Lama when the true light-bringer has come.  And schools are places of education so they know what valedictorians ought to say — we all know that this is the new era of platitudes and we shouldn’t let student upstarts start throwing around plain language that belongs in yesterday’s world.  As far as the brothel with male prostitutes goes, that works for me.”

Platitudes-R-Us

Platitudes-R-Us

The St. Petersburg Times reported when Jem Lugo, an 18-year-old Spring Hill resident bound for Harvard University, sat down to write her valedictory graduation speech, the Springstead High School senior tried to keep it real for her peers in the Class of 2009. But Lugo, who earned an unweighted 3.98 grade-point average, says she made it much too real for school officials who work with valedictorians each year to ensure their graduation speeches are appropriate. Lugo says Springstead principal Susan Duval rejected the address and told her to start over. Lugo says that the senior class sponsor, who read the speech first, used the word “appalled.”

“Nobody in speeches ever tells you what you actually need to know in life,” Lugo wrote. “I’m going to remind you of some basic concepts you can actually apply to your life. Crazy, right?” First, she says, “Get money. Do something with your life where you’re able to have a steady, reliable source of income.” The speech is full of other practical lessons, Lugo says. Say please and thank you. Keep in touch with high school friends. Don’t become a workaholic. Stand for something. “If you ever achieve any sort or fame or acclaim in your life, don’t mess it up,” she wrote. “Think Michael Phelps and Britney Spears.” According to Lugo, principal Duval told her she understood her aim for originality but warned the speech might offend some. On Thursday, Springstead’s graduation day, Lugo read another, shorter speech that did garner approval.

"God" during pre-Hendrix days

"God" during pre-Hendrix days

The Guardian reported that as a toddler, he was put on a throne and worshipped by monks who treated him like a god. But the boy chosen by the Dalai Lama as a reincarnation of a spiritual leader has caused consternation – and some embarrassment – for Tibetan Buddhists by turning his back on the order that had such high hopes for him. Instead of leading a monastic life, Osel Hita Torres now sports baggy trousers and long hair, and is more likely to quote Jimi Hendrix than Buddha. He bemoaned the misery of a youth deprived of television, football and girls. Movies were also forbidden – except for a sanctioned screening of The Golden Child starring Eddie Murphy, about a kidnapped child lama with magical powers. “I never felt like that boy,” he said. He is now studying film in Madrid and has denounced the Buddhist order that elevated him to guru status. “They took me away from my family and stuck me in a medieval situation in which I suffered a great deal,” said Torres, 24, describing how he was whisked from obscurity in Granada to a monastery in southern India. “It was like living a lie,” he told the Spanish newspaper El Mundo. Despite his rebelliousness, he is still known as Lama Tenzin Osel Rinpoche and revered by the Buddhist community.

Shady_Lady_Ranch_brothel,_Nye_County,_NevadaThe Associated Press reported that the owner of a Nevada brothel suffering from the recession thinks she has been ignoring about half the market – the half that prefers men. Bobbi Davis is looking for male prostitutes to help expand the clientele at the Shady Lady Ranch, her small roadside brothel about 150 miles north of Las Vegas. “We’ve had requests for men in the past, and there’s nothing else like this out there,” she said. Indeed, the 25 legal brothels scattered throughout 10 rural Nevada counties are staffed by women and cater to men. Nevada Brothel Association lobbyist George Flint says other brothels have approached him with the idea lately to drum up business. Like Nevada’s gambling, hotel and convention industries, the prostitution business has hit hard times. Flint estimates that bordellos have seen a roughly 50 percent drop in revenue since the economy turned sour.

Don't tell me she can't throw hard

Don't tell me she can't throw hard

In other news, CBS-TV 12 in West Palm Beach, Florida reported that when life handed a 40-year-old woman lemons, she used them and got arrested. During an argument at her North Military Trail home, Mandi Valentine threw several lemons at her husband and he was afraid he would be hit, he told police. Police arrested her the next morning and she was released from Palm Beach County Jail around lunchtime on her own recognizance. She is charged with simple assault. No word on how she feels about valedictorian speeches or the Dalai Lama, but based on how she acts with her husband she may be considering a male prostitute who’ll just do what she pays him to do. Or maybe not. You can only guess about people who throw lemons; its way easier to predict the behavior of people who implement government policies that are real lemons, because they’re always trying to screw somebody.

(C) 2009 InebriatedPress.com
 

Source articles:

 Springstead High valedictorian’s speech rejected as too real
http://www.tampabay.com/news/education/k12/article1007433.ece?71
 
Boy chosen by Dalai Lama turns back on Buddhist order
http://www.guardian.co.uk/world/2009/may/31/dalai-lama-osel-hita-torres
 
Nevada brothel features male prostitutes
http://www.wbbm780.com/Nevada-brothel-features-male-prostitutes/4542045
 
Woman arrested for throwing lemons at husband
http://www.cbs12.com/news/arrested-4717214-lemons-husband.html

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Rustlers steal Queen’s Cattle, Obama more Left than Chavez, and Mafia ruins Teen’s Shopping Spree

> Cattle Rustlers Stole Cows from Queen Elizabeth’s estate
> Venezuela’s Chavez says “Comrade” Obama’s Nationalization of GM Makes Him the Most Left-Wing
> Girls use Mafia to crack parents safe, worked, but not quite as hoped

Inebriated Press
June 5, 2009

Got a safe on ya?  You're not Mafia, right?

Got a safe on ya? You're not Mafia, right?

Reuters reported on Wednesday that cattle rustlers stole prized cattle from an English estate of Queen Elizabeth that were being fattened for the royal table.  And, Reuters reported Tuesday that Venezuela’s President Hugo Chavez says he and Cuban leader Fidel Castro are more conservative than U.S. President Obama, as Barack prepares to nationalize General Motors Corporation.  Meanwhile, Sweden’s The Local reported on Wednesday that two teenage girls who took the family safe to finance a day of shopping, asked a mafia guy to break it open for them.  They never saw it again.  Pundits are contemplating the ethical and practical implications of cattle rustling, nationalization of industry and ripping off your parents. 

Someone named Honey

Someone named Honey

“All’s fair in love, war, politics and elementary physics … as well as cattle rustling, robbing your own parents and other stuff if you can get away with it,” said Honey Sukle-Kreme, a candy store manager and part-time stripper down at the Sweet and Sassy Beer and Haircare Shoppe.  “There aren’t any real rights or wrongs, I think that’s been established by the theory of relativity and the Woodstock music festival, so we really should just move on.  I mean, some people still get hung up on the idea that stealing someone’s cattle, or over-taxing the middle class, or even nationalizing major industries because you can — is wrong or something.  It’s nothing of the kind.  If you have the power and the will to do any of those things, then you do it if you want to.  It’s basic evolutionary theory — survival of the fittest.  If I’m stronger than you I can take your stuff, whether you’re my parents, the queen, or private enterprise.  If you don’t like it, suck it, there’s nothing you can do.  I’d talk about this more, but my car is parked outside and the meter is about to expire.  If I don’t put some money in it I’ll have to pay a fine.  Why the damn meter officials don’t grasp the reality of relativity and Woodstock, and forget about giving me tickets I just don’t know.  Obama will fix that one of these days.  He’s a fixer kind of guy from Chicago you know.”

Someone named Wanda

Someone named Wanda

Not everyone exudes the same nectar as Sukle-Kreme.  “Holy crap, rustlers ripped off the queen and Obama is ripping off private enterprise, that’s some crazy shit.  Now the mafia ripping off some stupid girls is no biggy, what did the girls expect — they’ve never watched any mafia movies or something?  On the other hand American’s have had to have seen a few socialists, at least in history class, and should have known what Obama the community organizer was up to.  Sometimes people come face to face with their own stupidity and just smile and wave,” said Wanda Silikon-Basil, a buxom gardener known for her uncommon genius — mainly with fertilizer and bustiers.  “I tend to be pretty easy going and am pretty much an optimist, but I’m worried about whether the Queen is going to have enough beef to get her through the winter.  She’s getting along in age and it’s important that she gets enough protein.  As far as the U.S. goes with nationalization of industry, I could worry about that too, but the voters chose a one-term Senator whose only experience was in community organizing, and he’s never run a business or government — so the Americans are getting what they asked for.  You vote like a dumb shit and you get that kind of governance.  Stupid is as stupid does.  I’m not staying awake nights worrying about an idiotic decision like that.”

Queen Liz: Where's my beef?

Queen Liz: Where's my beef?

Reuters reported that cattle rustlers stole prized cows and bulls from an English country estate of Queen Elizabeth that were being fattened up for the royal dining table. Tony Barratt, the farmer in charge of some 300 livestock on the British queen’s Sandringham estate in southeastern England, told Reuters on Wednesday that police were investigating the disappearance of the cattle over the last week and said they had probably been illegally slaughtered by now. “It makes me so angry because this is beef which is enjoyed by the queen herself,” said Barratt.

Comrades Obama and Chavez

Comrades Obama and Chavez

Reuters reported that Venezuela’s President Hugo Chavez said on Tuesday that he and Cuban ally Fidel Castro risk being more conservative than U.S. President Barack Obama as Washington prepares to take control of General Motors Corp. During one of Chavez’s customary lectures on the “curse” of capitalism and the bonanzas of socialism, the Venezuelan leader made reference to GM’s bankruptcy filing, which is expected to give the U.S. government a 60 percent stake in the 100-year-old former symbol of American might. “Hey, Obama has just nationalized nothing more and nothing less than General Motors. Comrade Obama! Fidel, careful or we are going to end up to his right,” Chavez joked on a live television broadcast. Chavez, a vehement critic of the U.S. “empire,” has toned down his rhetoric since Obama took office in January. Obama and the federal government will take control of GM after a $30 billion injection of taxpayer funds.

Two Swedish girls

Two Swedish girls

The Local reported that two Swedish teenage girls who took a family safe to finance a day of shopping allege their plans were spoiled when they inadvertently handed the safe over to someone with ties to the mob. In order to pay for a joyride and accompanying shopping spree, the girls stole a safe containing 10,000 kronor ($1,300) in cash which belonged to the father of one of the girls. The girls stuffed the safe in a bag and headed to Malmö where they met up with a male acquaintance of one of the girls who was supposed to help them crack open the safe. But the acquaintance told the girls he lacked the right tools to open the safe, and instead had to hand it over to someone else. According to the girls, they never saw the safe again and allege it ended up in the hands of the mafia.
 

Ah shit, I should have spoken up earlier ...

Ah shit, I should have spoken up earlier ...

In other news, Bloomberg reported Wednesday that Federal Reserve Chairman Ben S. Bernanke said large U.S. budget deficits threaten financial stability and the government can’t continue indefinitely to borrow at the current rate to finance the shortfall. The Fed chief said in his remarks to the House Budget Committee that deficit concerns are already influencing the prices of long-term Treasuries. The budget deficit this year is projected to reach $1.85 trillion, equivalent to 13 percent of the nation’s economy, according to the nonpartisan Congressional Budget Office. “Either cuts in spending or increases in taxes will be necessary to stabilize the fiscal situation,” Bernanke said. This year’s projected budget deficit is four times the size of last year’s shortfall. Wisconsin Representative Paul Ryan, the ranking Republican on the committee, said that the Treasury’s debt issuance and the Fed’s monetary stimulus, including purchases of government bonds, “can be a dangerous policy mix” and risks “runaway inflation” in the longer term.  No word on how Bernanke feels about stealing the Queens cattle, nationalizing industry or ripping off his parents, but I don’t give a shit about that. What I want to know is where the hell this guy’s been while Obama and the Democrats have been spending all of our money — and half of the next generations.  But maybe people really do come face to face with their own stupidity and just smile and wave.  At least he’s finally pulled his head out of his ass.  Now we’ll see if anyone else does.

(C) 2009 IebriatedPress.com

Source articles:

Where’s the beef? Rustlers stole it your majesty
http://news.yahoo.com/s/nm/20090603/lf_nm_life/us_britain_royal_beef_1

Venezuela Chavez says “Comrade” Obama more left-wing
http://www.reuters.com/article/ObamaEconomy/idUSTRE5520GX20090603?feedType=RSS&feedName=ObamaEconomy&virtualBrandChannel=10441

‘Mafia’ ruined Swedish teens’ shopping spree
http://www.thelocal.se/19838/

Bernanke Warns Deficits Threaten Financial Stability
http://www.bloomberg.com/apps/news?pid=20601087&sid=ahrOZ.gd85yc

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