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Microsoft puts Porn in Motion, Chinese Laugh at U.S. Treasury Secretary, and Inmate Escapes new “Anti-Prison” on Day One

> Microsoft’s New Search Engine Puts Mouse-Over Motion in Porn Searches
> Chinese Students Burst Out Laughing During Geithner Speech on Strength of US Dollar
> New $45 Million Warm-Fuzzy Prison has Break-Out First Day It’s Open

Inebriated Press
June 4, 2009

Giving the kids what they've been looking for.

Giving the kids what they've been looking for.

Fox News reported on Tuesday that Bing, Microsoft’s new search engine that went live over the weekend, allows anyone — of any age — to mouse over explicit porn videos on a search page and play them without leaving the search engine or going to the actual website.  Internet safety experts say it’s an easy way for kids to beat “nanny software” designed to keep them from viewing Internet porn.  And Reuters reported on Monday that students at Peking University broke into laughter when U.S. Treasury Secretary Timothy Geithner told them that all of China’s U.S. dollar and bond investments were safe; and that there is no fear of inflation.  Meanwhile, NBC Washington reported Monday that a new prison called the “New Beginnings Youth Center” is described as an “anti-prison” because it’s not as harsh and rigid as a traditional prison.  In fact it’s so friendly that the first day it was open an inmate escaped.  Pundits are debating the strength of U.S. monetary policy, new user-friendly prisons, and Microsoft’s new pro-porn initiative. 

Someone named Celeste

Someone named Celeste

“It seems to me that living an illusion followed by capitulation on any issue is the political and social trend of this new age. It’s being used extensively by the Obama administration and being emulated in other areas of American life and culture.  Just as the Obama’s Treasury pretends that creating a $12 trillion dollar deficit by printing money hand-over-fist won’t create inflation, and eventually will give in to harsh reality and do anything China tells us to do; so too, we create the illusion of prison security and let inmates escape the first day of operation, and just give in to the power of criminal rights over those of the innocent,” said Celeste Milky-Wayy, a proctologist who would rather be an astronomer, but likes her current wage scale better.  “You can see more evidence of that in Microsoft’s new pro-porn web browser that allows anyone running a web search who turns up a porn video, to view it and listen to it by  merely mousing over the image.  Basically it’s Microsoft’s way of saying ‘what the hell, the kids will view porn anyway, maybe they’ll like us and use more of our products if we enable them’.  I’m sure that the hit count on bing.com went through the roof when kids paused sexting long enough to let their friends all know about the Microsoft’s new web search feature.  Apparently the hope and change that Obama is bringing is capitulation to all of our desires for free cash, no inflation, easy-to access porn and on-demand prison exits.  Looks like only the Chinese know such logic is completely crazy.”

Someone named Janice

Someone named Janice

Not everyone sees it the way Milky-Wayy does.  “President Obama saved our ass after the terrible Bush years that were spent wastefully by protecting us from radical Muslims and other silly crap,” said Janice Janice-Janice, an unemployed bartender who likes things in threes.  “The U.S. is on sound financial footing thanks to massive government spending, and the prison inmates will all behave better if they can leave the facility to see a movie or rob a convenience store from time to time — our country is all about freedom and rights you know.  And kids of any age should be allowed to view porn if they want to, so they learn what they should be doing.  If they don’t learn about this stuff we’ll be wasting all the condoms we’re handing out in elementary school, and the birth control patches we’re giving 11-year-old girls.  Unfettered freedom for children, criminals and the federal government is best for America.  The only other thing we need to do to make sure it all works, is get the conservatives to shut up and bust their ass and provide the goods and services that the rest of us need.  It’s what they like to do anyway, so why not let them?  Better still, MAKE them.  Barack can’t change America if things remain the same.” 

bing.com

bing.com

Fox News reported that your kids may get a bang out of Bing — and that’s not a good thing, Internet safety experts warned on Monday. Bing, Microsoft’s new search engine (www.bing.com), went live in the U.S. this weekend, aiming to challenge and possibly unseat industry titan Google. But bloggers and Internet safety experts quickly discovered that one of Bing’s “features” is that it takes only a few clicks for anyone — of any age — to view explicit pornographic videos without even leaving the search engine. In its bid to beat Google, Microsoft has unveiled a slate of convenient features for Bing, including an “autoplay” tool that lets users preview videos simply by hovering a mouse over them. That asset may become a liability, because users can get a taste of porn videos on Bing instead of having to go to a smutty Web site — an innovation other search engines have yet to offer. Technology blogger Loic Le Meur noticed the issue early Monday after testing video search on Bing. What he found was a cornucopia of pornography that he said transformed the search engine into its very own pornographic Web site. “You are now on a porn site without leaving Bing. Amazing,” Le Meur wrote on his blog.

Geithner: No worries! Trust me ... er ... who's laughing? Everyone?

Geithner: No worries! Trust me ... er ... who's laughing? Everyone?

Reuters reported that U.S. Treasury Secretary Timothy Geithner on Monday reassured the Chinese government that its huge holdings of dollar assets are safe and reaffirmed his faith in a strong U.S. currency. A major goal of Geithner’s maiden visit to China as Treasury chief is to allay concerns that Washington’s bulging budget deficit and ultra-loose monetary policy will fan inflation, undermining both the dollar and U.S. bonds. “Chinese assets are very safe,” Geithner said in response to a question after a speech at Peking University, where he studied Chinese as a student in the 1980s. His answer drew loud laughter from his student audience, reflecting skepticism in China about the wisdom of a developing country accumulating a vast stockpile of foreign reserves instead of spending the money to raise living standards at home. China is the biggest foreign owner of U.S. Treasury bonds. U.S. data shows that it held $768 billion in Treasuries as of March, but some analysts believe China’s total U.S. dollar-denominated investments could be twice as high. The Beijing-based Global Times greeted Geithner by publishing a survey of Chinese economists who called big holdings of U.S. debt “risky.” Geithner also offered strong backing for a bigger Chinese role in international policymaking.

New anti-prison, or not, maybe ...

New anti-prison, or not, maybe ...

NBC Washington reported that a youth escaped Saturday from the New Beginnings Youth Center in Laurel, Md. — embarrassing the $45 million juvenile facility that just opened on Friday. The New Beginnings Youth Center in Laurel, Md., was described as an “anti-prison” in many of the warm and fuzzy stories written about it leading up to its opening on Friday. On Saturday the kid escaped by scaling a fence. It appears officials knew that fencing would be a problem, according to the Washington Post. The old Oak Hill facility had razor wire on its fence, but that wasn’t part of the new home. It turned out to be a bad move. A day before the facility opened, Schiraldi and David Muhammad, chief of committed services, said they had brought in young men to try to scale the fences and made modifications based on what they observed. Schiraldi said he planned to place prickly shrubbery, possibly rose bushes, near the fence so inmates would not be tempted to flee. Prickly shrubbery? Something tells us the kids in this facility have seen far worse in their lives than a little prickly shrubbery. So after Saturday’s escape, razor wire was added to the new facility’s fence. So much for the anti-prison.

Must be a mistake, no one can snort this!?

Must be a mistake, no one can snort this!?

In other news, Fox News reported Tuesday that two suitcases carried by a woman who was about to fly from Chile to Spain were virtually made of cocaine, police said. Detective Leandro Morales at the Santiago airport said the drug “was not hidden in the luggage. This time the suitcases were the drug.” The suitcases were made of a substance combining cocaine with resin and glass fiber, Morales told The Associated Press. A “chemical process” could be used to separate out the drug, Morales said, adding that the suitcases were heavier than their contents. The 26-year-old Argentine woman was arrested. No word on how the woman feels about the likelihood of U.S. inflation or mouse-over web porn, but I’ll bet  if she’s sent to lock-down, she’ll happily sign-up for the anti-prison prison.  Unless those prickly rose bushes make her nervous.

(C) 2009 InebriatedPress.com

Source articles:

Microsoft’s New Search Engine Puts Porn in Motion
http://www.foxnews.com/story/0,2933,524019,00.html

Chinese students laugh at Geithner’s assurances (about Dollar)
http://www.freerepublic.com/focus/news/2262284/posts

Inmate Escapes Day After “Anti-Prison” Opens
http://www.nbcwashington.com/news/local/So-Much-for-the-Anti-Prison.html

Chile Police Discover Suitcases Made of Cocaine
http://www.foxnews.com/story/0,2933,524537,00.html

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Coca-Cola drops Sex ad, Condi Rice kicks Ass, and Tricks of the Vegas Sex Trade

> Coke ‘cans’ ad suggesting women should always be open for sex
> Condoleezza Rice knocks back ‘torture’ ambush
> Success in Sex Club biz: anything goes

Inebriated Press
May 7, 2009

Condoleezza attitudeAustralia’s Daily Telegraph reported this week that Coca-Cola has been forced to can a TV ad which authorities say suggested women should be available for sex whenever men want it. And the U.K. Telegraph reported Saturday that Condoleezza Rice defended the Bush administration actions that a group of Stanford students called torture, when they ambushed her recently. Said Rice: “If you were in a position of authority and watched Americans jumping out of 80-storey buildings because these murderous tyrants go after innocent people, then you would have determined to do anything you could that was legal to prevent that happening.”  Meanwhile, an investigative reporter for KLAS-TV Las Vegas reported last week that the secret to sex clubs success, is that they offer nearly anything you want, with anyone who’s willing.  Pundits are wrestling over ideas of whether women should always be available for sex in Las Vegas, or everywhere Coke is sold, and whether Condi Rice should be the current U.S. president.

Someone named Tony

Someone named Tony

“Condi Rice should be president and Sarah Palin the vice president right now. We’d have common sense, governing experience, and two hot women who don’t take shit from anybody running the country; and have something going for us, instead of this see-a-problem-throw-money-at-it, and see-an-enemy-kiss-their-ass bullshit,” said Tony Krushim-Twice, a small business owner who doubles as a bouncer down at the Dance -n- Jerk Lounge and Weight Lifting Club.  “As far as women being available for sex, that’s their business.  They want to sell it in Vegas or give it away wherever Coca-Cola is sold, that’s up to them.  It’s about personal freedom and individual rights.  I hate all of Obama’s nanny-state crap where federal bureaucrats and politicians are supposed to know better than we are, and they take over half of our income to give to other people and then tell us how to live, because they supposedly know better.  That’s bull.  Condi and Sarah wouldn’t take that crap, or try to pass it off as ‘hope and change’ when its totalitarianism dressed up in socialists clothing.  We should ride Obama and his minions out of D.C. on a rail.  I’m a free man.  That’s what the founders of America had in mind.  That’s what we’ve got to get back to in America.  Damn straight.”

Someone named Susan

Someone named Susan

Not everyone agrees with Krushim-Twice.  “The liberal government knows better than regular Americans do, and should be telling us what we can and can’t do, and how much money we get to keep from our paychecks and how much should be spread around by helpful bureaucrats and Democrats.  No one has a right to freedom, or the money they earn, or where and if they live, only the State can grant that,” said Susan Nayzil-Squez, a terrorist sympathizer who currently advises the U.S. Department of Defense when she’s not protesting against American’s right to bear arms.  “If the State says women should be available for sex then they should be available for sex.  If the State says Coca-Cola has to pay U.S. taxes in addition to foreign taxes on all the money they earn outside of the U.S. then they have to pay them.  It’s not about whether U.S. companies survive or leave the U.S. entirely due to the tax structures that the Obama administration is rolling out, it’s about fairness as defined by those in power.  And Obama is the State today, and the State is power, so he’ll tell you what ‘fair’ is.  It’s not complicated.  Authoritarianism has been around for centuries, just not in America.  You’ll get used to it.  Just do whatever Barack says, and you’ll be fine.  If you won’t, well, then expect to be marginalized, taxed out of business, and basically destroyed.  You don’t want that, so just play along.  That’s how these regimes work.  American’s are kind of slow to figure this out, but they’ll fall in line after a few hard knocks.”

Hot CokeThe Daily Telegraph reported that Coca-Cola has been forced to stop running a TV ad which authorities say suggested women should be available for sex whenever men want it. The Advertising Standards Bureau found the advertisement, though light-hearted, was inappropriate to be on TV when children were watching. In the ad a “hero” man who is breaking up with his girlfriend at a roadside cafe is suddenly surrounded by pole dancers. His dumped girlfriend acknowledges the man doesn’t want to be with just one woman, then offers: “Just call me when you want to have fun”. A series of complaints to the advertising watchdog argued the ad degraded women and promoted casual sex for men. The board noted the ad suggested “men should have multiple partners and that women should make themselves available for sex or ‘fun’ whenever the man wants.” “We certainly did not mean to cause offence,” Coke said in a statement to the bureau.

Condi is for real; picture is faked

Condi is for real; picture is faked

The Telegraph reported that Condoleezza Rice behaved magnificently while being ambushed by left-liberal students at Stanford University with a series of “difficult” questions about torture, Abu Ghraib, Guantanamo Bay and US foreign policy under George W Bush. The article said her coolness under fire is magnificent, but more impressive still is her refusal to duck the issues. “Sorry we have to leave”, an official can be heard saying off camera, but Condi isn’t going to take the easy way out: she wants to stand up for her principles and put the pantywaists in their place. “Let me tell you something: unless you were there in a position of responsibility after September 11 you cannot possibly imagine the dilemmas that we faced in trying to protect Americans,” she says.

Rice went on: “A lot of people are second guessing now but let me tell you the second guessing that would have hurt me more is if there had been 3,000 more Americans dying because we didn’t do everything we could to protect them. If you were in a position of authority and watched Americans jumping out of 80-storey buildings because these murderous tyrants go after innocent people then you would have determined to do anything you could that was legal to prevent that happening.”

Condi is similarly robust when rebutting the suggestion that the US has no place dealing with regimes like Saudi Arabia: “You don’t have the luxury in foreign policy of not dealing with a country because you don’t like its human rights practices.” And she is quite withering when the pallid leftie student tries having a go at her about supposed torture at Guantanamo. “Did you know that Guantanamo was called a ‘model medium security prison’ by representatives of the Organization of Security and Cooperation in Europe?” The student reluctantly concedes he hasn’t. “Maybe before you make allegations about Guantanamo, you should READ,” says Condi, with exquisitely measured scorn.  The Telegraph writer said Condi Rice is the “person of color” America really needs in charge right now.

kinky sex clubKLAS-TV Las Vegas reported that sex clubs offer nearly anything you want with anyone who’s willing. They operate in a world of loose regulation, weak enforcement and an anything goes attitude. Technically they are illegal. From wife-swapping to whips and chains, it’s yours if you want it. There is a huge market for clubs that offer every fantasy imaginable for just an entrance fee. County code says that won’t fly. So, why hasn’t there been a crackdown? The answer is more complicated than you’ve heard before. It’s where money, power and sex all come together.

“From bondage, to transgender to Bi to whatever else, we’re the ‘everybody else’ club,” said Mike Powers, the owner and operator of Power Exchange, the newest sex club in Las Vegas. “It’s part of an open-minded alternative aspect of society. It’s like the Elks Club or the Lions, kind of club for extreme interests, perverse interests or bizarre interests.” Clark County code calls sex clubs a “public nuisance.” It defines them as places for “adult social sexual encounters”, where patrons can “voluntarily engage in and/or view” live sex. So, if the county prohibits it, how do the clubs stay in business? The issue is money. Powers brings money into the economy. Powers thinks the county looks the other way because of the taxes and attention he brings to Las Vegas. No one from Clark County or the commissioners wanted to go on camera for the story. They tell Eyewitness News they stand by the ordinance.

Some people say that rule of law is only as strong as its enforcement, and that freedom and democracy is only as strong as its defenders.

Someone named Lynn

Someone named Lynn

“If you can break the law and get away with it, what good is law?  If you say you have individual freedom but the State runs your life, confiscates your financial property through taxation and tells you what doctor you can see and who you can’t, takes ownership of auto companies, insurance companies and financial firms, then dictates executive salaries and so forth, what freedom do you really have,” asked Lynn Browne-Sugare, a bastion of female genius tucked subtly inside a sweet package and sprinkled with common sense.  “Power is at the center of every government and its decisions.  Any time the government increases taxes they take your freedom to spend where you want, on what you want, and where you want, and replace it with a politician’s or bureaucrat’s vision of ‘what’s best’.  Little by little your freedom erodes until all that’s left is the idea, not the reality.  If you won’t stand up for personal freedom and individual rights, the government sure as hell won’t do it for you.  The government will do it to you. What starts as statism, with the government growing in size, scope and power, gradually becomes socialism, then totalitarianism.  Maybe even dictatorship.  Call it what you want, you lose freedom every time the government makes another decision for you, takes another dime from your pocket, ‘helps’ you do what you should be doing for yourself.  Pull your heads out of your collective asses, Americans.  Your freedom is being usurped even as you read this.  Only you can stop it.”

Orwell's 1984In other news, The Boston Globe reported yesterday that MoveOn.org is funding ad’s backing Obama’s push for nationalized healthcare while marginalizing private insurance companies who believe that they can’t compete with taxpayer funded government health insurance. In the ad, two men complain about the public plan option. “It’ll be a disaster for us,” one says.  The second says, “A public healthcare plan means affordable healthcare for everyone. You know what that means. ” The first answers, “Healthy people living longer.”  No word on why you’ll be healthier and live longer if you give control of your healthcare to politicians and bureaucrats who have mismanaged Social Security, Medicare, Medicaid, and virtually all health and retirement related funding in the U.S. But then maybe we’ve forgotten that it’s all about power.  And the less power you have, the better the government will be able to ‘help’ you.  After all, in the Land of Hope and Change, we are no longer endowed by our Creator with inalienable rights to life, liberty and the pursuit of happiness.  Only the State can grant those.  Anyone who questions this is on Homeland Security’s terrorist watch list.  And the sad thing is, I’m not making that shit up.  Homeland Security came out and said so.  This isn’t 2008 anymore.  This is 2009’s developing version of Orwell’s 1984.
 
(C) 2009 InebriatedPress.com

Source articles:

Coca-Cola forced to can ad over woman available for sex
http://www.news.com.au/dailytelegraph/story/0,22049,25422198-5006007,00.html

Coca-Cola’s pulled ad:

Condi Rice sticks it to the Stanford bleeding hearts
http://blogs.telegraph.co.uk/james_delingpole/blog/2009/05/02/condi_rice_sticks_it_to_the_stanford_bleeding_hearts

Condi kicks ass, YouTube clip:

I-Team: Tricks of the Trade in Las Vegas Sex Clubs
http://www.klas-tv.com/Global/story.asp?S=10275829&nav=menu102_2

Ad spoofs funeral directors on Obama health plan
http://www.boston.com/news/politics/politicalintelligence/2009/05/ad_spoofs_funer.html

moveon.org ad:

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Octomom was a Stripper, Brothels slashing Prices, Obama values Perception over Reality

> Octomom spent a year as a stripper called “Angelina”
> Brothels cut prices, offer rebates to beat recession
> Obama more popular than his policies

Inebriated Press
April 28, 2009

StripperCelebitchy reported last week that “Octomom” Nadya Suleman who claims to have “never kissed a boy” and admitted she pretended to be a stripper for one night, actually spent a year as a stripper calling herself “Angelina” while saying she planned to become famous some day.  And The Independent reported Sunday that the global financial crisis has hit brothels, and the oldest profession is turning to modern marketing — cutting prices, offering rebates, package deal discounts, and special deals for seniors and enticements to taxi drivers.  Meanwhile, Fox News reported that Barack Obama is more popular than his policies, and his marketing machine and charisma have allowed him to push an agenda that many voters and lawmakers consider extreme.  Some pundits say reality is over-rated and that the Octomom, Obamanomics and cheap hookers represent the cutting edge of a global new age.

I set policy. Capiche?

I set policy. Capiche?

“The world craves tabloid stripper-women with big lips, boobs and babies so they can argue over them while electing smooth talkers with meaningless drivel and rabid policy, just as long as they can get cheap sex.  I know this because I sell it all and will probably become president in the next ten years,” said Liza Lippsuk-Hooterbalm, a retired East German weightlifter currently managing American foreign policy for the Obama administration, while promoting her Gynecologist Gym and Hooker Emporium.  “Conservatives who think that reckless abandonment of common sense and placation of America’s enemies is an anomaly are missing the trends.  Everyone has shifted to the left.  Today’s Republican’s are yesterday’s Democrats and today’s Democrats are yesterday’s Socialists.  Next up: some form of fascist totalitarianism.  It’ll be the only way to control the country after liberal chaos runs rampant over the next four years. I’m waiting in the wings to clean things up — get ready to worship me.  Besides, I’m way cuter than Obama.”

Some kind of Honey

Some kind of Honey

Not everyone agrees with Lippsuk-Hooterbalm.  “McCain was too liberal and ran a terrible campaign and still won 46% of the votes against Obama’s Chicago machine and a complicit media.  If the Republicans return to their senses and back Reagan-like candidates who preach smaller government, lower taxes, emphasize developing and growing small business with non-cash incentives, promote personal freedom, common sense and States rights against Federal power, they can take back Congress in less than a year and a half, and rein in this madness,” said Honey Anne-Armstrong, a strong blonde American girl who takes no shit, gives no lip and values honor, respect and decency almost as much as she values truth, justice, freedom, democracy the traditional American fighting spirit.  “Today you can say that the barbarians have breached the gate or that the inmates are running the asylum, but if real Americans will stand up, we can return this nation to the proud, strong, land of the free and home of the brave.  We can bring back the America built by patriots who wouldn’t back down from a fight with monarchy, totalitarians, dictators, socialists and communists.  We are the real Americans, men and women who don’t apologize for a strong nation built on common sense and personal responsibility.  It’s time for us to stand up and be counted.  It’s time we take back our country.”

Octo-mom-marketingCelebitchy reported that although Nadya Suleman told a radio announcer she was only a stripper for one night, it appears that the Octomom was stretching the truth about her past. After talking to numerous sources it’s been revealed that the Octomom was a stripper, who used the alias “Angelina,” for at least a year in her early 20s. Sage, an exotic dancer who doesn’t want to reveal her real name, said she performed at several stripping contests and bachelor parties with Nadya from 1999 to 2000. Luis Ceballos, a limo driver who used to take the strippers to parties, has similar memories of Nadya, and says that rather than being embarrassed about her job, the Octomom “was full of herself.” According to Luis, Nadya “always said she wanted to be really famous” and believed that someday, she would be. What’s more, Nadya wasn’t as innocent back then as she lets on. While she reportedly insists she had “never even kissed a boy” when she entered the stripping contest, Luis said that Nadya was actually “very worldly”. And Sage adds, “She was overly flirty with the guys we performed for.”  An overly-flirty stripper is pretty damned flirty.

German brothel signageThe Independent reported that German prostitutes are offering discounts, loyalty cards and “extras” in an effort to drum up business and beat the recessionary downturn.  Prostitution is legal in Germany, and some brothels have cut prices or added free promotions, while others have introduced all-inclusive flat-rate fees. Free shuttle buses, discounts for seniors and taxi drivers, as well as “day passes” are among marketing strategies designed to keep business going. Berlin’s Pussy Club has attracted media attention with its headline-grabbing “flat rate” – a €70 admission charge for unlimited food, drink and sex between 10am and 4pm. Ecki Krumeich, the manager of the upmarket Artemis Club in Berlin, said he had resisted pressure to cut prices, although senior citizens and taxi drivers already get a 50 per cent discount on Sundays and Mondays. Some suggested that more women were turning to prostitution in general in order to make ends meet and are cutting in on brothels’ business.

Persona vs Policy

Persona vs Policy

Fox News reported that nearly 100 days into his administration, President Obama has locked down his reputation as a skilled communicator and has even scheduled a press conference Wednesday night to review his first 100 days. For three months, Obama has been on TV just about every day. He’s held campaign-style rallies and press conferences whenever a critical piece of his agenda was on the line. He’s communicated regularly with his constituents via YouTube and the White House Web site, and he’s traveled abroad to rebuild America’s image.

Policy makers

Policy makers

Obama’s communications skills are an asset historians say has not ebbed since the 2008 campaign and have allowed him to push economic policies that many voters and lawmakers consider drastic. Those policies have alienated many Republicans on Capitol Hill and have led to criticism that Obama has trampled on his pledge of bipartisanship. But the power of the president’s persona, perhaps combined with the urgency of the times, has helped him keep his own party in line. “The public clearly likes his persona more than they like his policies,” said political historian Michael Barone. “There’s certainly a lot of uncertainty, qualms and reservations about many of the policies.”

The public is not enthusiastic about his economic policies. Only 45 percent think his $3.6 trillion budget proposal will help the economy, according to the FOX News poll. In a separate recent FOX News poll, 59 percent opposed government bailouts for financial institutions, 65 percent opposed taxpayer loans for automakers and 69 percent worried the national debt is out of control.

Inebriated reporters, contemplating life after a wild weekend, say being out of control is what makes life fun.

Typical looking Inebriated Press reporter

Typical looking Inebriated Press reporter

“I have no idea how many diseases I picked up or how many brain cells I lost over the weekend, but I had one hell of a time, that much I know,” said an Inebriated reporter while reviewing her own obituary and reflecting upon something of some consequence that seemed irrelevant yesterday.  “All this crap about keeping the national debt in control, or your emotions in hand or sex drive or whatever, just gets in the way of having fun.  And I’m always up for having fun.  I wonder what that damned burning sensation is in my lower abdoman. Probably should see a doctor.  I need to be ready to party by Friday.  What day is today anyway?”

In other news, Fox reported that voters in the heart of the Swiss Alps on Sunday passed legislation banning nude hiking after dozens of mostly German nudists started rambling through their picturesque region. The cantonal government recommended the ban after citizens objected to encountering walkers wearing nothing but hiking boots and socks. A similar legal move is expected in neighboring Appenzell Outer Rhodes with legislation being prepared against “this shameless behavior.”  No word on whether the Swiss consider the Octomom or Obamanomics shameless, but word out of Springfield, Illinois is that there are vibrations coming out of Lincoln’s tomb indicating that old Abe is spinning so fast in his grave that the city may be able to harness him as an energy source.

(C) 2009 InebriatedPress.com

Source articles:

Octomom was stripper for over a year, used the alias “Angelina”
http://www.celebitchy.com/47741/octomom_was_stripper_for_over_a_year_used_the_alias_angelina/

Brothels cut prices to beat the recession
http://www.independent.co.uk/news/world/europe/brothels-cut-prices-to-beat-the-recession-1674400.html

First 100 Days: Obama Image, Communications Skills Strong, Even as Public Questions Policies
http://www.foxnews.com/politics/first100days/2009/04/24/days-obama-image-strong-public-questions-policies/

Voters in Switzerland Ban Nude Hiking
http://www.foxnews.com/story/0,2933,517989,00.html

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Creepy Human-like Creature, Obama has U.S. on Right Track, and Cows are 80% Human

> Mysterious Human-like Creature Photographed in Middle East
> Poll says Americans like Obamanomics and Massive Debt
> Cow Genome Mapped, 80% Like Human Beings

Inebriated Press
April 27, 2009

Cow Girl.  The percent is unimportant.

Cow Girl. The percent is unimportant.

Qatar’s Gulf Times reported last Thursday that a mysterious figure resembling a human being was spotted and photographed by a frightened woman who saw it in a parking lot; as did other witnesses.  And Associated Press reported last Thursday that an AP Poll says that more Americans than not believe President Obama has the country on the right track; this despite millions of job loses, billions of dollars in bailouts and trillions of new U.S. debt.  Meanwhile, VOA News reported last Friday that scientists have completed the genetic sequence of the cow and found that they have 80% of the same genes as humans.  Debate over what constitutes a human being and what passes for common sense is gushing around like nasal mucus on a pollen-laden hyper-allergenic spring day.

Someone named Patti

Someone named Patti

“There is a holistic oneness in the universe and as science and chance play together across time, we’ll all come to realize that humans and animals are the same, and logic and insanity are identical, and truth and lies are meaningless concepts enveloped in a cloud of knowledge and ideals, concepts and silicon enhancements,” said Patti Ethos-Mariment, an existentialist philosopher and part-time stripper down at the Meaningless Platitude Strip Club and Lawn Care Outlet.  “Money and debt are mere concepts, as are cows and humans, Middle Eastern creatures and Barack Hussein Obama.  Reality is what we say it is, and Obamanomics is merely a form of eastern mysticism like the idea of Hitler.  They’re all thinly veiled notions that play upon our minds like fireflies in the sky on a warm summer night.  As humans become more knowledgeable, we set aside petty things like the war against terror, or fiscal responsibility and individual freedom.  Barack is the light bringer.  He will lead us to a greater understanding of the meaninglessness of money, the benefit of irrational hope and undefined change.  He is a god.”

Someone named Vicki

Someone named Vicki

Not everyone is inhaling the stuff that Ethos-Mariment is smoking.  “So we have some of the same genes as a cow does, and creepy creatures other than Iran’s Ahmadinejad inhabit the Middle East, that doesn’t make people into cows or crazy Islamofascists into non-humans, though they’re closer than you might think,” said Vicki Vixen-Hothips, a curvy blonde SWAT Team member who can kill a man at twenty paces with either her enhanced 9 mm Beretta or her enhanced double-D looks.  “And blowing trillions of dollars on ‘stimulus’ like tattoo removal and high speed trains without a business plan or needs analysis, is riskier than a SWAT member fighting gang members with Uzi’s while wearing no protection other than a leather bustiere or a Trojan prophylactic.  It may be a real rush at first, but in the end you’re dead as hell.  Physically, economically.”

Creepy Middle Eastern Creature

Creepy Middle Eastern Creature

The Gulf Times of Qatar reported that a mysterious figure resembling a human being was sighted on the Doha Corniche’s parking lot, according to a report published in a local Arabic daily. The report is based on the statement of an Arab expatriate lady who said she had seen the strange figure near the Oryx statue while walking in the area. Quoting the woman, the daily said she took a picture of it, in spite of being terribly frightened. “She was very soon surrounded by a large number of people who also attested to the fact of what she had seen. But it suddenly disappeared out of their sight when they tried to go near it,” the report added.

American Politico

American Politico

Associated Press reported that while there are millions of people jobless, billions of dollars in bailouts and trillions of dollars in U.S. debt, yet, for the first time in years, more Americans than not say the country is on the right track. In a sign that Barack Obama has inspired hopes for a brighter future in the first 100 days of his presidency, an Associated Press-GfK poll shows that 48 percent of Americans believe the United States is headed in the right direction – compared with 44 percent who disagree. The “right direction” number is up 8 points since February and a remarkable 31 points since October, the month before Obama’s election.

Even if they don’t always like what he’s doing, Americans seem content for now that the president is taking action to correct the nation’s course. He’s doing something, anything, and that’s better than nothing. Obama is not the first president who has sought to shape the nation’s psychology, tapping the deep well of American optimism to effect policy and politics. Most Americans say Obama is changing things at about the right speed. But nearly a third say he’s trying to change too many things too quickly. The AP-GfK Poll was conducted April 16-20 by GfK Roper Public Affairs and Media. It involved telephone interviews on landline and cell phones with 1,000 adults nationwide. The margin of sampling error was plus or minus 3.1 percentage points.

Cows-R-Us

Cows-R-Us

VOA News reported that an international consortium of researchers has completed mapping the genetic blueprint of the domestic cow, a source of nutrition and livelihood for billions of people around the world. Scientists say the landmark accomplishment will lead to better food production and improvements in human medicine. Researchers found that humans share 80 percent of their genetic sequence with cows, according to the scientists, who say we’re more closely related to bovines than to rats and mice. Scientists compared the cow genome to that of seven other mammals – including the human, dog, rat, mouse, opossum and platypus – and found they share a core set of more than 14,000 genes. “What that means is that when we want to study something that’s a human protein we might get better information by studying it in cattle than in mice and rats,” said Kim Worley a researcher from the Baylor College of Medicine in Houston, Texas.

Funeral Director LouiseIn other news, the U.K. Daily Mail reported last Thursday that Louise Ryan is believed to be Britain’s youngest female funeral director. At 20 years of age, Miss Ryan says she never wanted to be stuck in any ordinary job – so she figured it was only natural to follow in her father’s footsteps and work with the dead. “I know it’s a strange job for a girl of my age but I really enjoy it,” Louise said.  “People think it’s a bit weird or macabre, but dealing with dead bodies just doesn’t bother me. The most important thing is to care for families at a difficult time.”  After training with her father Michael, Miss Ryan has now been given the go-ahead to direct funerals herself. 

Louise Ryan

Louise Ryan

No word on whether she’s willing to preside over funerals for weird Middle Eastern creatures, 80% human cows or a hyper-inflated U.S. economy, but if Obamanomics creates the level of inflation that some economists fear that it will, it’s good to know a caring and hot looking funeral director will be there to offer us comfort.  And so the existential world turns.

(C) 2009 InebriatedPress.com

Source articles:

Mysterious figure ‘spotted’
http://www.gulf-times.com/site/topics/article.asp?cu_no=2&item_no=286384&version=1&template_id=36&parent_id=16

AP Poll: After Obama’s 100 days, US on right track
http://hosted.ap.org/dynamic/stories/U/US_OBAMA_100_DAYS_AP_POLL?SITE=ININS&SECTION=HOME&TEMPLATE=DEFAULT

Researchers Reveal Complete Genetic Sequence of Cow
http://www.voanews.com/english/2009-04-24-voa1.cfm

The woman funeral director aged 20 who is deadly serious about her career choice
http://www.dailymail.co.uk/news/article-1172841/Pictured-Britains-youngest-woman-funeral-director-deadly-career.html

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Q&A with Bob & Joan: Should the U.S. Close Military Bases, Cut Defense Spending; Centralize Forces at Home?

“The Bob and Joan Chronicles” of Inebriated Press
April 22, 2009

Q.

Bob,

You conservatives are complaining about the Obama administration’s plan to slash military spending on new technology and missile defense systems designed to stop first strike nuclear attacks and other conventional warfare from countries like China, Russia, North Korea and others.  But the Obama administration has already pointed out that there is no longer a threat of conventional warfare, only the possibility of small skirmishes with a few small bands of Muslim extremists, or Mexican drug dealers.

The U.S. has military bases and personnel scattered all over the world, in places like Japan, South Korea, Germany and Belgium.  That’s excessive since there are no wars there and the U.S. has no global mandate to be the world’s “police force.”  And now that the U.S. has put Democrats in charge of Congress and in the White House, they’ve been spending trillions of dollars on social programs that all Americans want, and that makes the far flung military too expensive to maintain.  Isn’t it about time to close the foreign military bases and bring the troops home where they can guard the U.S. border from Mexican drug dealers and illegal aliens?

Quit whining about the liberals that Americans have put in charge you dumb bastard.

Hugs and kisses,

Joan

A.

My Dearest Joan,

Your contemplation on the plight of we conservatives over an over-extended military and the free-spending liberals touches me deeply, and your suggestion that we eliminate military-bases world-wide as a solution, are warm and gentile words of encouragement and hope, despite the absurdity and global risk that implementation of such a scheme would entail.  How I long to set aside such petty questions and instead lay my head upon your bosom and bask in the warm glow of your beauty and charm, but such is not my mandate.  I must speak to you honestly about our challenge.

You see, despite the fact that there are not open hostilities between China, Russia, North Korea, Iran and other countries with the U.S. and its allies, the notion that none will ever be forthcoming is but wishful thinking.  The fact that a large and powerful American military is arranged in multiple locations of diverse nature around the globe is one of the key reasons that such a peace presently exists.  In addition to this, the diverse nature and location of U.S. military systems is a practical strategy — not having concentrated military assets in a single location, which, if attacked and crushed, would render the U.S. defense system largely destroyed all in one blow.  Avoiding a circumstance that befell the U.S. Navy at Pearl Harbor, as well as providing the tactical ability to move defensive systems to any part of the globe quickly from a diversity of locations, is a valuable strategic advantage for America and the defense of it’s allies.

Regarding the gargantuan spending on everything that can be imagined by the liberal mind, thereby creating massive debt, the risk of economic collapse and hyper-inflation; the idea that cutting major R&D for future defense systems and stopping current system development would result in savings are mere drops in the bucket, and even if such cuts were sane, they’d not begin to replace the funds being spent.  We have two hopes in this regard.  One, that bureaucrats are too lazy to spend the money fast enough to put us in tremendous debt in the next year and a half.  And two, that Republicans awake from their stupor and adopt Ronald Reagan’s attitude about smaller government and less taxing and spending, and run good campaigns and take control of Congress in the elections less than two years ahead.  Then, having taken power in Congress, to stop the foolish spending and begin to dismantle Obama’s United States of Socialist America (USSA), currently under development.

Regarding the Mexican border, we don’t need a massive troop surge to stop the problems there.  We just need to take the issue seriously and enforce the laws we have and support the professionals and volunteers already working there.  However, if we wanted to be more aggressive in stopping the problem, we’d simply declare several miles of ground inside the US/Mexican border as “no man’s land” and set up military snipers to shoot anyone found in that sector.  We’ve done it successfully in the Middle East and other areas.  These men, properly posted, can secure many miles of terrain and kill efficiently, inexpensively and with pin-point accurately.  A couple weeks of this and no one would bother trying to come into the U.S. illegally across the US/Mexican border.

And so, my fine and gentle Joan, I must tell you that if true Americans — the 46% who voted for McCain and not Obama — were in charge, we could solve these problems without resorting to silly notions of slashing our military power in effort to fund tattoo removal in Los Angeles (part of the ‘stimulus package’ recently passed by Congress).  It is my hope that those who voted the liberals into office because they wanted “change” will shake off their mental weirdness and put real Americans in charge in the near future.  In the meantime, we conservatives must prepare, must battle stupidity as best we can, and love those who love us, and try to neutralize those who don’t.

I hope this finds you happy, well, and firm where you want to be; and soft where you’d like to be.

With the warmest of feelings toward you, barely contained behind my muscular physique,

Bob

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Obama Backs Iranian Nukes, Hooker Steals Mans Pants, and Padma Lakshmi Makes Love to Burger

> Obama ends uranium precondition to talks; enrichment proceeds
> Hooker more interested in cash than sex; patron shocked
> Padma Lakshmi makes love to Carl’s Jr. hamburger

Inebriated Press
April 16, 2009

Padma does bacon

Padma does bacon

The UK Guardian reported Tuesday that the Obama administration is set to drop the uranium precondition to nuclear talks, meaning Iran can continue uranium enrichment while preparing for a chat.  And the Athens Banner-Herald reported Sunday that an Athens man complained to police after a prostitute he picked up stole his pants and wallet while he was in a motel room bathroom.  Meanwhile, the Los Angeles times reported Tuesday that Carl’s Jr. ran into an image problem in its advertising by practically undressing Padma Lakshmi as she makes love to a hamburger.  Pundits are debating why some people are surprised by these events.

Someone named Tracy

Someone named Tracy

“People are shocked when an elected official behaves differently than the voters thought he would, despite the fact that he’s doing what he told them he’d do.  This is because a good politician causes voters to see themselves in him and everyone would vote for themselves if they could, so they put perception over reality,” said Tracy Braless-Mindett, a free-living free-loving political analyst who can bench 180 and cause cardiac arrest in men weighing less than 150 just by looking at them.  “And drunken guys who leave their wallets alone in a room with a hooker are no different than voters who elect socialists.  They get ripped off like they deserve.  As far as making love to a burger goes, what the hell, if they paid me enough and it wore a condom I’d probably give it a go.  Everybody’s got a price I guess.”

Someone named Justin

Someone named Justin

Not everyone thinks the way Braless-Mindett does.  “As a voter I expect all politicians to behave the way I want them too, and they shouldn’t just say whatever they want in order to get elected and then do anything they feel like.  Even if somebody wins an election on some platform, they should take into account the ideas that are in the alternative view,” said Justin Hapless-Hopeful, an unemployed idealist trained in Avant-garde journalism, who at age 40 still lives in his parents basement, but knows that the Obama administration will offer him a government job any day now.  “So what if the Iranians get nukes and they hate the Jews, Hitler hated the Jews and didn’t have nukes and that worked out okay.  A few people got hurt I guess, but according to Iran the Holocaust thing was overblown.  And a guy should be able to leave his wallet with a hooker and she should just wait there.  I’ll bet the one in the article had an emergency come up and had to leave, and the guys’ pants and wallet caught on her skirt or something.  As far as sex with burgers goes, I don’t get it, but someone will explain it to me eventually.  I pretty much get my thoughts from other people who tell me stuff.  It’s easiest that way. Why think for myself?”

Iranian nuke programThe Guardian reported that in what amounts to a major policy shift, the Obama administration is set to drop a precondition for the start of negotiations on the nuclear issue – that Iran first suspend its uranium enrichment process. The concession means Iran would be able to continue with uranium enrichment, an essential part of achieving a weapons capability, while talks got underway. The precondition has been the biggest stumbling block in efforts over the last few years to open talks. The Bush administration insisted upon it but Tehran adamantly refused.  Negotiations have been given added urgency by threats by the new Israeli government, led by Binyamin Netanyahu, to bomb Iran’s nuclear facilities to prevent it achieving a nuclear weapons capability. Israel predicts Iran could reach this point by the autumn. Obama, during the presidential election campaign, promised to offer direct talks with Iran without preconditions.

HookerThe Athens Banner-Herald reported that an Athens man complained to police after he picked up a prostitute who stole his pants and wallet while he was in a motel room bathroom, according to an Athens-Clarke police report. According to the report the two walked to the Days Inn on North Finley Street, where she was “raring to go,” the man told the officer. He went into the bathroom and when he came out, she was gone with his pants and wallet. The man didn’t want to give much information and he was very drunk, the officer wrote in his report.

Padma Lakshmi

Padma Lakshmi

The Los Angeles Times reported that Carl’s Jr. is addressing a super-size image problem in its advertising where they practically undressed Padma Lakshmi as she made love to a hamburger. The spot features the former Mrs. Salman Rushdie, sitting on a brownstone stoop in a clingy sundress hiked up mid-thigh, cramming the giant burger into her educated maw and sucking barbecue sauce from her fingers and wrists. Let’s not mince onions here: This is sex with a burger. The writer said you might think that here, at last, television advertising might have crossed some sort of debauched Rubicon, or at least some tripwire at the Federal Communications Commission. But it’s not even close. It’s merely the latest chapter in the weird mash-up between sex and food. The Carl’s Jr. commercial, from Mendelsohn Zien Advertising in Los Angeles, is in heavy rotation this month with a duplicate for corporate cousin Hardee’s that’s running in Eastern markets. The ads reunite Mendelsohn Zien and director Chris Applebaum, who created the 2005 commercial with a nearly naked Paris Hilton lathering up a Bentley. Applebaum also directed the 2007 campaign for Carl’s Jr. flat-bun burgers, featuring a hip-hop duo serenading their high school teacher’s flat butt — her badonkadon’t, if you will.

Some people say a little burger sex is what American’s need in order to take their minds off of Obama’s crazy approach to the economy and defense.

Someone named Lisa

Someone named Lisa

“How about calling this crazy: Obama’s plan to fix the overspending of the Bush administration is to spend several trillions of dollars we don’t have and set the stage for economic collapse and hyper inflation; and Obama’s plan to stop Iran from obtaining nuclear weapons is to support their uranium enrichment program setting the stage for another Holocaust,” said Lisa Lovestrong-Hyperbole, a warm blonde ray of sunshine, occasionally brought low by morons, idiots and liberals.  “Given the current genius approach to problem-solving coming out of the White House and Democrat controlled Congress today, no one should be surprised if Americans are munching burgers and banging hookers or munching hookers and banging burgers.  The only way to survive today is to lose your mind and try to fit in and then party-on.  As for me, I’m trapped within a bad case of common sense and I can’t get out.  Lose yourself while you can, it’s too late for me.”

We're all friends now

We're all friends now

In other news, Reuters reported Tuesday that North Korea threw out the UN nuclear inspectors and say they’re no longer bound by any international nuclear disarmament talks, and plan to restart a plant that makes bomb-grade plutonium.  The Obama administration has yet to announce that they’re in full support of the plan, but by the time you’re done screwing with that burger you’ve got, it’ll probably be the latest super-smart news to come out of Washington.  To slightly paraphrase Tiny Tim: “god help us, every one.”

(C) 2009 InebriatedPress.com

Source articles:

Obama to drop uranium precondition for Iran nuclear talks
http://www.guardian.co.uk/world/2009/apr/14/obama-iran-nuclear-talks-uranium-precondition

Man shocked when hooker steals pants
http://onlineathens.com/stories/041209/cop_428276457.shtml

When fast food gets in the fast lane
http://www.latimes.com/entertainment/news/business/la-fi-ct-neil14-2009apr14,0,2377834.story

Padma Lakshmi Carl’s Jr. / Hardees Commercial. [YouTube vid]
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=nSXjnv8K71k

North Korea orders UN nuclear inspectors to leave
http://www.reuters.com/article/latestCrisis/idUSSP497987

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Bailing the Bailout, Killing Girls over Short Skirts, and the Death of a Porn Legend

> Goldman Sachs wants out of Gov’t control, will pay back bailout funds
> Muslim father pays to have daughter killed over short skirt
> Porn Legend Marilyn Chambers Found Dead at 57

Inebriated Press
April 15, 2009

Insatiable Marilyn Chambers

Insatiable Marilyn Chambers

The Wall Street Journal reported yesterday that Goldman Sachs plans to raise investor funds and pay back U.S. bailout money so it can be free to run it’s own business without the federal government telling it what to do.  And MosNews reported Monday that a Muslim in Russia hired a killer to murder his daughter because she was wearing skirts that were too short.  Meanwhile, MediaBistro reported Monday that porn legend Marilyn Chambers was found dead in a mobile home where she was living.  Pundits are debating the risks of government control, Muslim mayhem and trailer park living.

Winged missive

Winged missive

“There are no inherent risks of having the federal government run your business and tell you what to do, because bureaucrats and elected officials know better than you do how to do everything; and all the fuss in the West about Muslim’s killing their kids or beheading people they disagree with is all overblown, it’s a cultural tradition that should be respected, even promoted,” said Emil Von Missive, a short statement of dubious nature existing on a diet that’s light on facts and lighter still on common sense.  “If bureaucrats and Islamofascists had been running Marilyn Chambers life she wouldn’t have been dead at age 57 and found in a trailer park in California where she was living.  She’d have been in public housing and the fifteenth wife of a Muslim extremist where she’d been productively popping out baby Muslim Nazi’s for the good of all humankind, god willing.  In fact one of her own progeny might have one day single handedly destroyed Israel and the West.  The freedom loving bastards.”

Someone named Lucy

Someone named Lucy

Not everyone agrees with Von Missive.  “The idea that a government is more capable than an individual in running a business, or that Islamofascists represent a ‘peaceful’ religion, is as ridiculous as the idea that an aggressive porn lifestyle is healthy in the long run, or that mobile home living is something to aspire to,” said Lucy Li-Deathray, an atomic scientist and part-time stripper at the Healthy Heifer Strip Club and Plutonium Emporium.  “I may only dabble in nuclear energy and toy with hormonally over-charged club patrons, but I know that no form of government is going to run as efficient or effective a business as someone who does the work day-in and day-out.  When you’re on-site you know what your customer wants and how to please them.  When you’re in D.C. you’re in an environment thick with the ‘I am a god and I can do shit because I can do shit’ mindset and it has no bearing on what goes on in the real world.  Tough break for Marilyn.  She screwed with the best of them but went down early.  The porn business will chew you up and spit you out — just like Muslim extremists and the fed’s trying to run your business.  It’s a different kind of screwing, but the results are the same.  They take, you give.  We’ve got to get back to private enterprise and personal responsibility in this country or we’re all going to be living in trailer parks and die young.”

Goldman Sachs & The Feds

Goldman Sachs & The Feds

The Wall Street Journal reported that Goldman Sachs Group Inc., frustrated at federally mandated pay caps, has been plotting for months to get out from under the government’s thumb.  On Monday, Goldman took fresh steps to break free: It announced, as expected, that it plans to raise $5 billion by selling new common shares to investors, and that it would like to use the money to repay government bailout money received last year. The firm also reported stronger-than-expected first-quarter earnings of $1.81 billion.

Goldman SachsAt a meeting President Barack Obama hosted with bank executives at the White House in late March, Lloyd Blankfein, Goldman’s chief executive, argued that banks needed freedom to repay the loans the U.S. forced them to accept in October. Eight large institutions received a total of $165 billion in capital, including $10 billion for Goldman. Pay restrictions were tied to those loans. The banks were told then that everyone had to accept the money so it wouldn’t be obvious who needed it most.

The federal government’s management of the financial crisis is entering a new phase. The trillions of dollars Washington has committed to help stabilize companies and thaw frozen credit markets have enmeshed the government deep in the affairs of investment banks, insurers and auto companies.  If Goldman is permitted to repay its loan, it would be the first big bank to do so. The U.S. has indicated it won’t allow any major banks to do so before the government considers the results of financial “stress tests,” which are expected by April 30. Because of the technicalities of the loans, it could take months before Goldman or any other big bank that repays will escape the government’s clutches.

Kill this??!!

Kill this??!!

MosNews reported that a Muslim resident of Russia’s St. Petersburg has hired killers to rid him of a daughter who disrespected Islamic laws by wearing short skirts. The police detained Gafar Kerimov, 46, after he reported that his daughter went missing, but blurted out that the girl was dead already, Komsomolskaya Pravda newspaper reported Monday. The family, ethnic Azerbaijanis, used to have frequent arguments about how the daughter should dress and behave.

Rashida Kirimova, 21, studied medicine at a St. Petersburg school and waved away her father’s criticism when he said her clothes weren’t modest enough and were unfit for a Muslim girl.  During winter, Rashida wore high-necked sweaters and long trousers, causing no problems in the neighborhood, but when spring came, she put on a skirt that left her knees exposed. The father’s Muslim friends again started reproaching him for being negligent and allowing his daughter to walk around dressed like a fallen woman. They said the insult could only be washed away by blood, and introduced Gafar to a killer, who agreed to help him for around $3000. The killer, Kadyr Suleymanov, seized the girl on April 8th as she was hurrying to classes. He and two accomplices drove her out of the city to a suburban dump, shot her dead and covered her body with garbage.

Behind the Green DoorMediaBistro reported that legendary porn actress Marilyn Chambers, star of such golden age classics as Behind the Green Door and Insatiable, was found dead Sunday in the mobile home where she had been living for the past several months. She was 57. Chambers was found by her 17-year-old daughter, McKenna.  The New York Daily News reported that Chambers made more than 25 porn movies, several of them with late porn star John Holmes, who died of AIDS complications in 1988. An autopsy will be done but no foul play is suspected.  

Legally married in trade

Legally married in trade

In other news, United Press International reported Sunday that a Saudi Arabian judge has refused to overturn a ruling that declared the arranged marriage of an 8-year-old girl to a 47-year-old man legal, a relative says. The judge, Sheikh Habib Habib, ruled for the second time Saturday in Onaiza that the girl’s marriage to a friend of her father’s was legal and binding. He said the child wife could file for divorce once she reached puberty, CNN reported. An attorney, Abdullah Jutaili, said the girl’s father arranged the marriage with his “close friend” to pay off a monetary debt. No word on why trading girls for cash is better than Marilyn Chambers self-selected lifestyle, but with the gradual decline of individual rights in the West and the increase of government power and coercion, perhaps we’ll eventually just get used to believing whatever the people who hold power over our lives tell us to believe.

(C) 2009 InebriatedPress.com

Source articles:

Goldman Pushes Stock Issue in Plan to Escape U.S. Grip
http://online.wsj.com/article/SB123966372945715013.html

Muslim father orders daughter killed over short skirt
http://www.mosnews.com/society/2009/04/13/shortskirtt/

Porn Legend Marilyn Chambers Dead at 57
http://www.mediabistro.com/fishbowlLA/show_business/porn_legend_marilyn_chambers_dead_at_57_113890.asp

Prodigious porn star Marilyn Chambers dead at 56
http://www.nydailynews.com/gossip/2009/04/14/2009-04-14_marilyn_chambers_porn_star_dead_at_56.html

8-year-old girl’s marriage ruled legal
http://www.upi.com/Top_News/2009/04/12/8-year-old-girls-marriage-ruled-legal/UPI-57701239536425/

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Lingering eyes, Too much Saving, and $5 Prostitution Taxes

> Men’s Interest in Women can be Measured by the Length of their Gaze
> American’s are Saving Too Much, Playing Too Little
> Nevada Considers Taxing Legal and Illegal Prostitution $5 per Turn

Inebriated Press
March 27, 2009

Play, Pay, Lay

Play, Pay, Lay

The Daily Mail reported Wednesday that a new study shows that if a man thinks a woman is attractive he looks into her eyes longer.  And MyFoxDC reported Wednesday that with the economy struggling, people are doing everything they can to save money and are having too little fun.  Consumer psychologists call it “saver’s remorse”.  Meanwhile, a Nevada Senator has proposed a tax on legal and illegal prostitution amounting to $5 per session.  He thinks the State will take in an additional $2 million per year.  Some pundits say that in order to stimulate the economy, and to encourage entreuprenurship and taxpayer spending, all prostitution should be legal and untaxed.

Someone named Lexi

Someone named Lexi

“I know a lot of guys who have been staring into the eyes of women but are afraid of making a move because it may lead to a relationship that they can’t afford in this economy, so they’re saving their money, staying home and not having any fun.  And adding a hooker tax isn’t going to help encourage them to take up any short-term deals, because it’ll just cost more money; it’s an economic disincentive,” said Lexi Rae-Powerwash, a smok’n brunette firefighter known to throw off as much heat as the fires she puts out.  “Now if Nevada is serious about generating new tax dollars they’ll cut tax rates, regulate the health of the women — maybe offer a certification program that’s better than competing states so they can differentate the quality of their hookers — and then encourage the expansion of new business enterprise by subsidizing volume discounting.  I can imagine the slogan now, ‘Nevada Gold-Certified Hookers: More Tits and Ass, Fewer STD’s; and Now, Every Fifth Turn is Free’.  It’ll sell I’m telling you.”

Someone named Jon

Someone named Jon

Not everyone agrees with Rae-Powerwash.  “I think it’s wrong to focus on stimulating the economy by encouraging more prostitution regardless the certified health claims.  If the federal government would cut taxes and reduce wasteful spending across the board, all business and entrepreneurship would be encouraged, and guys would have more money and the confidence to get into long term relationships, rather than just looking for a quick bang with modest taxation,” said Jon Rinsefre, staring into the eyes of Lexi Rae-Powerwash for a good thirty seconds without blinking.  “The Obama administration needs to quit spending trillions of tax dollars on crazy shit, screwing the economy and frightening people with money from spending.  If Obama would start shrinking the federal government and cut back on spending, people would relax and start spending more money, screw each other the right way, and stimulate themselves and the economy.  Hell, it’s the American way, enough of this socialist shit.”

Glancing at her ... eyes?

Glancing at her ... eyes?

The Daily Mail reported that researchers reporting in the journal “Archives of Sexual Behavior” say that if a man’s glance into a woman’s eyes lasts longer than 8.2 seconds, he’s interested.  If a man’s gaze is more like four seconds, research suggests he is less than impressed. Hidden cameras secretly tracked the eye movements of 115 students as they chatted with actors and actresses. They were then asked to rate their conversation partner’s attractiveness. The men looked into the eyes of actresses they considered beautiful for an average of 8.2 seconds, but that dropped to 4.5 seconds when gazing at those they rated less attractive. The female students, however, did not differ in the amount of time they spent looking at the actors. The researchers believe that men use eye contact to seek out fit and fertile mates. But women are more wary of attracting unwanted attention because of the risks of unwanted pregnancy and single parenthood.
 
MyFoxDc reported that with the economy stuck in a downward spiral, most people are doing everything they can to save money. But is it possible to be too frugal? There is the belief that if you don’t take any chances and spend some money, you risk regretting that you didn’t have a little more fun while you had the chance. Consumer psychologists say that saver’s remorse is a real condition. The theory is that people are so obsessed with preparing for the future that they can’t enjoy the present, and end up looking back with regret on all their lost opportunities for fun. 

Home of the $5 tax?

Home of the $5 tax?

Psychologists say that splurging on big ticket items or a vacation can produce immediate buyer’s remorse, but over the long term, people regret not having enough fun, not traveling and not spending money rather than not saving enough. “People feel guilty about hedonism right afterwards, but as time passes the guilt dissipates,” says Dr. Ran Kivetz, a professor of marketing at the Columbia Business School. “At some point there’s a reversal, and what builds up is this wistful feeling of missing out on life’s pleasures.” Experts also say that balancing enough “play” time with work is important to relieve stress, especially during these difficult economic times.

Too little product differentiation?

Too little product differentiation?

The Las Vegas Sun reported Monday that Senator Bob Coffin, D-Las Vegas, proposed a tax on prostitution that he says could raise $2 million a year for the state. Patrons of prostitutes — both legal and illegal — would pay an extra $5 tax per session under the bill, which Coffin said was his idea alone. Coffin said he had considered applying the state’s live entertainment tax to prostitution, but encountered some constitutional questions. There are eight “major” brothels in the rural counties, where they are legal, and 17 smaller houses of prostitution, according to George Flint, a spokesman for the state’s brothel industry. The minimum charges range from $100 to $200. Asked how the state could collect the tax from the independent street walkers, Senator Coffin said that the business tax, when first imposed, wasn’t collected from all of those who were required to pay it. As a new tax, the bill would require a two-thirds vote for passage.

In other news, WMAR-TV Baltimore reported that an Italian doctor completed a brain operation despite having a heart attack after realizing his patient would never recover if he stopped the surgery. Surgeon Claudio Vitale started feeling pains in his chest half way through the operation but refused to stop despite his team’s urging and the pain worsening.  After finishing the surgery, the doctor had an angioplasty operation to treat his attack.  Vitale insists he’s not a hero, but that he couldn’t leave the patient “at such a delicate moment.” Both doctor and patient are recovering.  No word on why Obama keeps bleeding American taxpayers while claiming to be repairing their financial vitality, but since he doesn’t look them in the eye for very long, perhaps it’s all about him and not about them.

(C) 2009 InebriatedPress.com

Source articles:

The look of love? Only if you manage a glance that lasts longer than 8.2 seconds
http://www.dailymail.co.uk/sciencetech/article-1164600/The-look-love-Only-manage-glance-lasts-longer-8-2-seconds.html

Too Much Saving, Not Enough Playing
http://www.myfoxdc.com/dpp/news/dpgo_Too_Much_Saving_Not_Enough_Playing_mb_032420092311217

Proposed bill would tax prostitution at $5 per session
http://www.lasvegassun.com/news/2009/mar/23/proposed-bill-would-tax-prostitution-5-session/

Walk it off, it’s only a heart attack
http://www.abc2news.com/entertainment/weirdnews/story/Walk-it-off-its-only-a-heart-attack/P0JFQIIQ_0WH5a9uOIh2rA.cspx

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Obamanomics takes a Hit, and Brain Scans Read Memories

> AIG bailout deal included bonuses; “oops” says Obama team
> Scientists find human memories in brain scans

Inebriated Press
March 19, 2009

090320-brain-scan-bwBloomberg news reported Wednesday that while the Obama administration has said they know where “every dime” of the bailout funds given to AIG was going, they now claim they had no idea that the deal included allowing bonuses to be paid from taxpayer dollars to AIG employees.  Meanwhile Fox News reported last week that neuroscientists say humans create memories of locations in physical or virtual space as they move around – and it all shows up on brain scans.  Pundits say hook up the brain scan machine and let’s find out whether the Obama administration or AIG is full of shit.

Someone named Patty

Someone named Patty

“It’s disingenuous of the Obama administration to claim they know nothing about the AIG bonuses when the bill to fund the bankrupt company included a provision that specifically allowed for the paying of bonuses, and AIG had contracts with employees that contain bonus provisions.  I mean, when you cut a deal to bail out a firm that should be in bankruptcy and say ‘keep doing what you do, you’re too big for us to let you fail’ and then they do it and you’re pissed off, it’s you that’s the idiot, not them,” said Patty Loveless-Heartthrobb, a smart refined medical technician, who dabbles in common sense just enough to keep her out of most personal relationships.  “I’ll bet if we hook up Treasury Secretary Timothy Geithner to the brain scan machine we’ll either learn that he knew all about the terms, or he doesn’t know shit at all.  I won’t suggest hooking up President Obama to it, he’s a community organizer with no governing or management experience so I’d expect his brain to be empty.”

Someone named Heather

Someone named Heather

Not everyone agrees with Loveless-Heartthrobb.  “When anybody is printing bail-out money night and day and shoveling it into badly run companies like water over Niagara Falls, you’ll slip up once in while, you have to expect that.  AIG should just break the contracts with the employees and ignore the provisions that allow them to pay bonuses and do whatever Obama dictates at any given time,” said Heather Ballistic-Gel, a leather importer whose hot looks cause full body spasms in men under five foot two.  “If AIG doesn’t do that, then we’ll pass a special law to selectively tax the employees of AIG who receive it.  You see rule of law no longer applies under Obamanomics and the use of tax as a weapon to coerce and intimidate is the management style of the new regime — I mean Administration.  Look, you’ve got to expect a little fascism to show up in a new socialist country, we’re still ironing out all the details.”

090320-missing-info-bwBloomberg reported that President Barack Obama’s attempt to harness public anger over bonuses paid by American International Group Inc. may backfire on him as Republicans try to redirect that anger toward his administration. “Two weeks ago, the president’s spokesman said they were confident that they knew how every dime was being spent at AIG,” House Republican Leader John Boehner of Ohio told reporters yesterday. “They didn’t know what they were talking about,” Boehner said.

Republican leaders in Congress said Geithner and White House officials should have been aware of the bonuses sooner and acted quicker. They’re also seizing on AIG’s revelations as fresh evidence that Congress should oppose future rescues. Lawmakers are already moving quickly to take the initiative in responding to the public outcry. Montana Democrat Max Baucus and Iowa Republican Charles Grassley, the leaders of the Senate Finance Committee, proposed taxes totaling 70 percent on companies and individuals getting bonuses at firms that receive federal aid.

SmartBrief reported that Columnist Andrew Ross Sorkin writes that while it may not seem fair to pay bonuses to American International Group (AIG) employees, not paying them may lead to bigger issues. Some compensation consultants say that breaking the sanctity of the contracts could lead to other contracts being broken.

090320-brain-toon-bwFox News reported that researchers tracked brain activity related to “spatial memory” as volunteers moved about inside a virtual reality setup.  They discovered that humans create memories of locations in physical or virtual space as they move around – and it all shows up on brain scans. The new study challenges previous scientific thinking by showing that memories are recorded in regular patterns.

The researchers used an fMRI scanner to detect blood flow changes in the brain, and study the activity of the place cells as a volunteer controlled movement inside the virtual environment. They then ran the results through a computer algorithm developed by Demis Hassabis, another neuroscientist at University College London.

Mind-reading research has grown increasingly sophisticated over the years. Another recent study predicted people’s preference for one of two drinks with 80 percent accuracy. And earlier findings showed that people’s brains reflect abnormal activity up to half a minute before making errors. The latest findings on memory could lead to many more studies that examine how actual memories end up encoded across our brain cells, Maguire said.

Some people say it would take a mind reader to know what American’s were thinking when they elected an inexperienced community organizer with no track record of running anything to the office of president of the United States.

090320_obama_hitler_bw“Obama was clear that he wanted to spread the wealth around and that he disagreed with most of the US Constitution, so we shouldn’t be surprised that he’s ‘changing America’ like he said he would,” said Tiny Tim, a short British guy who walks with a limp and often shouts ‘god bless us, everyone’ for reasons unknown.  “The fact that he’s now begun to ignore basic contract law and use coercion and intimidation through the threat of unfair taxation should be no surprise to anyone.  His voting record is to the left of Pelosi’s — when he wasn’t voting ‘present’ because he didn’t know shit or know which way to turn.  Look at him today.  He’s a smooth talker but he’s voting ‘present’ while his band of inmates run the asylum.  We got what we voted for.”

In other news, Australia’s News Limited reported this week that investigators have launched a probe into the “longer lasting sex” company, Advanced Medical Institute (AMI). Consumer Affairs Victoria and NSW’s Office of Fair Trading are both investigating AIM which sells erectile dysfunction drugs. A NSW Office of Fair Trading spokeswoman also issued a general warning for people to carefully read any contract – including the fine print – to ensure they “really want and know what they are signing for”. No word on whether the probe will discover who’s actually getting screwed if anyone, or if rule of law will continue to apply in Australia.  It’s clearly on the ropes in the U.S.A. and damned if fascism isn’t lining up behind it.

(C) 2009 InebriatedPress.com
Source articles:

Obama May Find Anger Over Bonuses Backfires on Agenda
http://www.bloomberg.com/apps/news?pid=20601070&sid=aZUxSgc2XvK0&refer=home

Voiding AIG bonus contracts is a slippery slope
http://www.smartbrief.com/news/cpa/storyDetails.jsp?issueid=986DD671-0A97-43A0-B8DC-FC5694159248&copyid=A82BD3F1-92AE-421E-AE1F-FBE24E53C891

Brain Scans Can Read Memories, Scientists Find
http://www.foxnews.com/story/0,2933,509141,00.html

Probe into ‘longer lasting sex’ company
http://www.news.com.au/business/story/0,27753,25201863-31037,00.html

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National Guard drops door-to-door Gun search Plan, Dentist says Groping improves Patients teeth, and Obama parties on “White House Wednesdays”

> National Guard ends door-to-door home search exercise
> Dentist in court over groping says it was part of treatment
> Obama White House has “Party Wednesdays”

Inebriated Press
March 5, 2009

090305-iowa-national-guard-bwThe Des Moines Register [Iowa-US] reported last week that after guns-rights advocates complained in droves, the Iowa Army National Guard decided to drop plans for urban warfare training in which 90 to 100 combat troops would have gone door to door and searched homes for weapons.  And CBS-TV-13-Sacramento reported last week that an attorney told jurors that dentist Mark Anderson was treating his female clients for a dental disorder when he was rubbing their breasts.  Meanwhile, Inebriated investigative reporters convalescing after a Wednesday night of heavy partying at the White House [Associated Press reported Monday: “Obama kicks up White House entertaining”], say Obama’s plans are on track and happy days are here again.

090305-donuts-bw1“It’s time to set aside partisan bickering and sign-on to the new door-to-door Obama Gun Search Program, the Breast Massage Healthcare Plan and start partying on Wednesdays as though we’ve won a Trillion Dollar Stimulus Package of our very own,” said Inebriated reporter Horace Halfwitt-Leftist, a careless writer who remains on staff because he always brings donuts and never locks his desk with the Jack Daniels in the lower left-hand drawer.  “I find every Wednesday night at the White House to be very stimulating and I’m sure that whatever Barack decides to do will be just fine.  And I’m not just saying that because I get to mingle with celebrities and drink expensive booze. Nor am I saying it because I’m intoxicated by being so close to power and smooth talk and Obama’s charm and wit.  I don’t know why I’m saying it, but I’m sure it’s for a good reason of some kind.”

Someone named Stacy

Someone named Stacy

Not everyone is intoxicated by the Obama Democratic Socialist Movement or its plans to rename the country the United States of Socialist America (USSA).  “It’ll take more than a weekly White House party, gun bans and breast-oriented dental-care to get me to endorse Obamanomics and the destruction of personal freedom, the free market and private enterprise,” said Stacy Fulmetal-Jackett, a free-love, free-market, full-auto gun owner and cosmetic sales manager.  “Glib talk and slippery rhetoric carries no more weight with me than it does the Stock Market.  My opinion of Obama is like the Dow.  Down to a twelve year low — and I’ve known the market a lot longer than Obama.  Thing is, he’s like every socialist I’ve ever known.  The only real difference is that he’s started wearing an American flag lapel pin.  And he didn’t always do that.  The guy knows packaging.  He’s got that down.”

Senior Airman Manhart, Iowa Nat'l Guard

Senior Airman Manhart, Iowa Nat'l Guard

The Des Moines Register reported that the Iowa Army National Guard has dropped plans for urban warfare training in the western Iowa town of Arcadia after being deluged by nearly 100 e-mails and phone calls from gun-rights advocates nationwide. The four-day event in April would have involved between 90 and 100 combat troops arriving in the Carroll County community in a convoy with a Blackhawk military helicopter flying overhead. Troops would have gone door to door, asking the town’s 443 residents about a suspected arms dealer and conducting searches of homes if property owners volunteered to cooperate. Gun-rights advocates were outraged, and news about the exercise became a hot topic nationally on radio talk shows and the Internet.

“This was completely blown out of proportion,” Arcadia Mayor Oran Kohorst said. “They were going to come through and meet with the townspeople and just practice going in and out of their homes. They were never, ever going to confiscate guns or anything like that.” Talk show host Alex Jones of Austin, Texas, whose syndicated radio program is carried on about 60 stations, said he believes oil companies, in concert with central banks, are creating a worldwide economic crisis to set up a world government. “This is part of an acclimation for martial law,” Jones said of the National Guard’s plans.

Dental therapy for a new age

Dental therapy for a new age

CBS-TV 13-Sacramento [California] reported that the attorney for a Woodland dentist told jurors that his client massaged women’s chests as part of a medical treatment. Defense attorney Michael Rothschild told the six-man, six-woman Yolo County jury that Mark Anderson was treating his female clients for temporomandibular disorder, or TMD. The attorney says the condition affects the muscles of the upper body. Anderson faces 19 felony charges for skin-to-skin contact and one misdemeanor for touching a patient’s breasts over her clothing. The incidents occurred between February 2005 and his arrest in August 2007 and brought complaints from 14 women.

Just another Wednesday night

Just another Wednesday night

Associated Press reported Monday that the White House is the place to be on Wednesdays. Since the presidency changed hands less than six weeks ago, a burst of entertaining has taken hold of the iconic, white-columned home of America’s head of state. Much of it comes on Wednesdays. The stately East Room, where portraits of George and Martha Washington adorn the walls, was transformed into a concert hall as President Barack Obama presented Stevie Wonder with the nation’s highest award for pop music on Wednesday.

090305-obama-party-hat-bwA week before that, the foot-stomping sounds of Sweet Honey in the Rock, a female a cappella group, filled the East Room for a Black History Month program first lady Michelle Obama held for nearly 200 sixth- and seventh-graders from around the city. Cocktails were sipped during at least three such receptions to date, all held on Wednesdays. Bookending the midweek activity were a Super Bowl party for select Democratic and Republican lawmakers and a dinner for governors, the new administration’s first black-tie affair. It was capped with a performance by the 1970s pop group Earth, Wind and Fire. And a conga line.

Wednesday night with Stevie Wonder

Wednesday night with Stevie Wonder

The conga line formed after the media were escorted out and, apparently, after Obama had called it a night. “Thank you for waiting until I had left before you started the conga line,” the president told the governors the next morning. “I hear it was quite a spectacle.” Some Obama guests say he puts them at ease. He indulges them and serves cookies, too. According to the report, the flurry of entertaining is in keeping with the Obama’s’ promise to make the White House a more open place for everyone.

Some people say all this country really needs is enough cookies, booze, and a good conga line.

Old medication for a new economy

Old medication for a new economy

“I used to worry about the collapse of the market and my retirement account, I used to get all worked up about the massive federal debt and what it was doing to the country and my children’s future.  I even used to think that the Soviet Union was dangerous and Islamofascism and the attack on 9-11 were bad for freedom, but I see now that I was just being silly,” said Johnny Applecake-Muffintop, dipping a chocolate chip cookie in Rum and popping it into his mouth like one more in a long line of M&M’s.  “I even used to worry about my weight and the investment banking firm I was president of.  But now I see the wisdom of Barack’s ways and understand that hard work and free markets, hell even individual freedom, are all just illusions and the truth is that the government will care for all of our needs and give us whatever’s necessary.  Obviously the Harvard Business School courses I took were way different than the journalism classes that Barack was taking.  He must have learned all that wisdom there.  I don’t think that just twenty years of Jeremiah Wright’s anti-American preaching, convicted felon Tony Rezko’s real-estate deals and hanging with Pentagon Bomber pal Bill Ayers could have influenced him.  It had to be Harvard Journalism.”

090305-condomsIn other news, The Local reported last week that a student association in southern Sweden is on the lookout for a thief with a preference for extra large condoms after fifty commodious rubbers went missing. The thief or thieves used a heavy implement to break into the offices of the Projekt Sex student association at Lund University, reports the Lundagård newspaper. But according to staff at the office, all that was taken was a small sum of money and fifty extra large condoms. None of the smaller sizes were touched. No word on who is going to get screwed, but based on current trends it’ll probably be American taxpayers again — sounds like another Obama stimulus plan.  Bend over, I’m here to help you.

(C) 2009 InebriatedPress.com

Source articles:

Iowa Guard ends urban war exercise amid outcry
http://www.desmoinesregister.com/apps/pbcs.dll/article?AID=/20090224/NEWS10/902240390

Dentist Says Groping Was Part Of Treatment
http://cbs13.com/watercooler/woodland.dentist.trial.2.942629.html

Obama kicks up White House entertaining
http://www.google.com/hostednews/ap/article/ALeqM5hjPujfKghPXUPK3LKaH2P0gDV3cQD96M06J02

Well-endowed thief in late night condom raid
http://www.thelocal.se/17888/20090227/

Michelle Manhart Demoted, Discharged for Playboy Pics
http://gone-hollywood.com/2007/02/michelle-manhart-demoted-discharged-for-playboy-pics/

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Financially stressed? Sell bodily fluids, have your hamster generate electricity

> Weak economy boosts sales of human blood and semen
> Scientists fit hamsters with nanogenerators that produce energy

Inebriated Press
February 23, 2009

090223_blood_gas-b-wABC News reported Saturday that since the economy began to crater, Americans have been selling blood, semen, ovaries and hair to generate extra income.  And the Telegraph reported Friday that scientists have managed to harness energy-producing power from hamsters by fitting them with tiny devices that capture biomechanical energy from their bodies when they run on exercise wheels.  Some people say bodily fluids and rodents are the key to a better, brighter future … that and a little income redistribution.

“You can’t underestimate the power and importance of precious bodily fluids or hamsters when it comes time to generating stimulus cash, procreating or changing America,” said General Jack D. Ripper, a berserk character from the movie Dr. Strangelove, currently a key military and hope-and-change advisor to the Obama administration.  “Removing the life-blood, savings and equity from hard working industrious citizens and companies and giving it to people who can’t afford their sub-prime mortgages and companies who have mis-managed businesses is the best way to create a ‘fair’ society where there are no haves and have-nots, and there’s a level playing field.  Some hard working people have had greater success than slackers and drop-outs, and we have to keep moving ahead with the transfer of assets from ‘Joe the Plumber types’ to those failures.  I’m not sure about using hamsters for electricity unless PETA says its okay, but it might be alright as long as successful businesses pay for hamster distribution to needy Democrats who want them.”

For sale

For sale

Not everyone agrees with Ripper.  “If you can sell your body or parts of it for money, and generate electricity from your pets, do it.  Harnessing nature by using animal power is a historical and time-proven process, and trading your body and its parts for cash is a normal extension of the world’s oldest profession — prostitution.  Actually it’s a lot like plain-old working-for-somebody-else for a living.  Most of us are trading our lives or parts of it to others in order to earn money.  These are market driven and aren’t about social engineering at all unless you choose to make it so,” said Mary Belle Hothipps, an industrial engineer and part-time stripper at the Golden Corral Bonanza.  “To socialists everything is about ‘leveling the playing field’ to the extent that they lower the successful and capable into the same tier as the lazy or incapable.  The stimulus bill just passed by the Democrats will take years worth of earnings from the capable and give it to the incapable, and borrow from the futures of those able to generate success.  The result is a bringing down of the best and brightest while creating an artificial lifestyle for those who haven’t earned it.  This is a step backwards from true progress and represents a devolving of American society.  It’s kind of a shame really, because the Europeans who practice this approach are only able to do it because American ethics and military power is keeping them safe from tyrants.  Once the U.S. has destroyed its own economy and weakened its ethical resolve and military, who will be there to protect America?  The Canadians?  I wish.”

Modern day trader

Modern day trader

ABC News reported that desperate times call for desperate measures. Since the economy began to crater, Americans have looked inward to their very bodily fluids for a boost, selling blood, semen, even their ovaries and hair for a few extra dollars. Companies that buy and sell blood have spotted an uptick in blood donations and created marketing campaigns that encourage people to give blood in exchange for help beyond just some extra cash. Over the, summer when gas prices hit a record high, a blood bank in Las Cruces, N.M., hung a banner outside the office that advertised its offer rather plainly: “Donate plasma for gas money.”  Donations of hair and sperm are also on the rise. But while a sperm offering can return up to $200 and a yard of hair up to $2,000, they pay relatively poorly compared to young women who donate their ovaries for money — an exchange that can pay up to $10,000 or more. Though specific statistics for recent years are not yet available, fertility experts across the country have anecdotally reported an increase in egg donor applications.   

Renewable energy

Renewable energy

The Telegraph reported that Dr Zhong Lin Wang of Georgia University’s Nano Research Group developed flexible jackets that when strapped to hamsters running on an exercise wheel captures biomechanical energy released as they run.  The jackets, which are fitted with wires plugged into a nanogenerator, produce energy when they are bent and stretched. In tests one hamster named Campbell’s Dwarf produced small amounts of AC power – around one twentieth of the output of an AA battery. Although it would take 1,000 hamsters to generate enough energy to power a mobile phone, Dr Wang said the technology could have practical applications when applied to larger animals and humans. “We believe that this is the first demonstration of a live animal producing current with nano-generators,” Dr Wang said. The Doctor added that the technology could be ready to be fitted into clothes within five years. It would capture energy produced not only when humans are active, but also from smaller movements such as when people are sat at computers.

Some people say that when this new technology is combined with the billions of dollars in the Obama stimulus package earmarked for Senate majority leader and Nevada Senator Harry Reid’s high-speed train, it’s going to pay off big-time.

New stimulus workers

New stimulus workers

“When the Obama-Reid high speed train is running between Los Angeles and Las Vegas it will be hauling L.A. residents to the worlds biggest bodily fluid collection-place and energy generating system that’ll rival the Hoover dam in power and fluid management.  And this economy will turn around on a dime,” said someone claiming to be Howard Hughes, an inventor, genius and recluse often considered dead, but only because he’s had a funeral.  “Once the legal brothels of Nevada use hookers to collect bodily fluids while wearing wires plugged into nanogenerators so that their movements create electricity, we’ll have a one-stop shop where paying customers will be generating electricity and providing bodily fluids for sale all while having a good time.  You can’t beat a system that can power cities and collect fluids for science while creating new jobs and providing a sexual service for people who want it.  Some individuals are confused about how a few billion dollars to put in high speed rail from L.A. to Las Vegas can be simulative to the economy, but those folks underestimate the powerful combination of sex and science.  We’re talking about new wealth and job creation plus renewable energy without greenhouse gases.  This is a perfect example of the Obama stimulus plan.  People get screwed and money is spread around.  What’s confusing about that?”

In other news, the Scottish Sun reported Friday that tooth decay is now the third most common reason children are admitted to UK hospitals, according to officials.  Nearly 37,000 kids a year are hospitalized with bad cavities — topped only by those with chest infections and premature tots. Tories blamed a lack of NHS dentists, saying many went private when new Government contracts were launched in 2006. Minister Mike Penning said: “Labour’s decade in charge has resulted in a significant deterioration in dental health.” Dr Nick Goodwin of The King’s Fund health think-tank added: “Dentists are leaving the NHS in droves.”  No word on how soon Obama will have this type of quality national health care operating in the U.S. but once the high speed train is done and the Census Bureau has been transferred to White House political control, we can expect the progress to keep speeding up.

(C) 2009 InebriatedPress.com

Source articles:

In the Red! Give Blood, Get Career Advice
http://abcnews.go.com/Business/Economy/Story?id=6924271&page=4

Hamsters in jackets harnessed for energy
http://www.telegraph.co.uk/scienceandtechnology/science/4731679/Hamsters-in-jackets-harnessed-for-energy.html

Tooth-rot children fill up our hospitals
http://www.thescottishsun.co.uk/scotsol/homepage/news/article2256492.ece

New scrutiny for stimulus
… an allocation for high-speed trains went from $300 million in the House version to $2.25 billion in the Senate version to $8 billion in the midnight conference version — with no explanation. Suspicion lingers that a large part of the funds will pay for a Disneyland-to-Las Vegas high-speed train venture supported by Senate Majority Leader Harry Reid, D-Nev.
http://www.charleston.net/news/2009/feb/17/new_scrutiny_stimulus71922/

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