Tag Archives: Barack Obama 2.0

Obama mobilizes P.R Army, San Fan eyes Pillow Fight ban, and Penis extenders work

> Obama campaign morphs into “Organizing for America”, orders issued
> San Francisco left in Valentines Day pillow fight mess, considers ban
> Italian study says penile extension devise works

Inebriated Press
March 12, 2009

"Organizing for America"

"Organizing for America"

AFP reported Monday that President Obama issued orders via email and video to millions of supporters telling them to lobby on behalf of his budget and economic plan. Obama’s new political machine, “Organizing for America,” is the organization which morphed out of Obama’s campaign machinery to push his agenda when he entered the White House. And UPI reported Monday that San Francisco officials said the mess left by this year’s massive Valentine’s Day pillow fight has led them to consider banning the event. Meanwhile, The Denver Channel reported that an Italian study that followed 21 men up to a year while they wore a penile extender, say it added nearly an inch.  Inebriated reporters hopped up on Vodka, orange juice and some unknown substance; say the world revolves around politics, pillows and sex organs.

Everything is politic

Everything is politic

“Everything is politic and nothing that happens in government, happens in government, without judicious planning, manipulation, maneuver and gamesmanship.  To think otherwise is naive.  To act otherwise is stupid,” said a small dwarf channeling Rahm Emanuel, while dreaming of big busted women and researching basic anatomy for Inebriated Press articles.  “And pillows are key to a good night’s sleep, and sex organs, well; you know what they’re all about.  If you don’t; never mind.”

090312-pillow-fight-b-wNot everyone is as cavalier as dwarves channeling government officials.  “It’s every elected officials dream to make a positive difference in the lives of their constituents, or at least make them think they have.  And to that end the government gift of public pillow fights and studies showing which penis extenders work, act to advance that goal,” said Missy Mae-Mayhem, a public official speaking in an unofficial capacity at an undisclosed location during the off hours.  “It doesn’t matter that pillow fights are meaningless or that the value of a penis is based more on the operator than its size.  All good things exist in the mind and to the extent that we can implant the idea that we’ve helped the populous, well, we’ve helped the populous.  Of course a little rule of law and protection against Islamofascism is okay too, but only if the citizens think so.”

AFP/Google reported that US President Barack Obama mustered his powerful campaign army on Monday, calling on his millions of supporters to lobby on behalf of his budget and economic plan. The appeal to back the president was made in an email and video sent out by “Organizing for America,” the organization which morphed out of Obama’s campaign machinery to push his agenda when he entered the White House.

090312-e-obama-w-bIn the video, Mitch Stewart, the director of Organizing for America, urged the president’s supporters to take part in the “Organizing for America Pledge Project.” “We will show in every state, in every congressional district the hunger, for leadership and long range thinking that’s in too short supply here in Washington,” he said.  Stewart said Obama’s budget provides a “bold blueprint for our country’s future. He said that some will resist change.  “It’s up to you to make sure that they don’t stand in our way,” he said.  The appeal to grass roots supporters closely follows the tactics used by Obama during his triumphant election campaign and is another sign that the president plans to use the organization to help pass difficult legislation.

090312pillowfight-bwUPI reported that San Francisco officials said the mess left by this year’s massive Valentine’s Day pillow fight has led them to take another look at the “flash mob” phenomenon. The pillow fight, which marked its fourth year in February, involved an estimated 1,500 to 3,000 people at Justin Herman Plaza and left the city with thousands of dollars worth of damages and cleanup costs, the San Francisco Chronicle reported Monday. Lisa Seitz Gruwell of the San Francisco Recreation and Park Department said organizers of the event must begin taking responsibility for the event, “otherwise we are going to have to find a way to shut it down.” Mohammed Nuru, deputy director of the Department of Public Works, said the city had to dispatch 69 employees and an extra street sweeper truck to clean up after this year’s pillow fight. “It was quite a mess, much more than we have experienced in previous years,” he said. “Everywhere was feathers.”

Dynamic rods for dynamic rod?

Dynamic rods for dynamic rod?

The Denver Channel reported that men who wear a device meant to extend their penises saw growth of up to 33 percent over six months, according to a new study. The Italian study followed 21 men for up to a year as they used a device with dynamic rods. They wore it for an average of five hours in the first month, five hours in the third month and four hours in the sixth month. Urologist Dr. Paolo Gontero said the average flaccid length at the start was 2.82 inches. After a year, it was 3.72 inches, though there was no increase in girth. “If these results are confirmed by further research, we propose that the device should be used as a first-line treatment option for men seeking a penile lengthening procedure,” he said. The results were published in the March issue of BJU International.

Some people say that all reality is illusion.

Scarlett

Scarlett

“You can’t tell you’re dreaming when you’re dreaming, it’s reality to you, the same as if you were actually doing it in physical space.  Sometimes you wake up sweating because of fear, or because you were lifting heavy things in your mind, or wearing some kind of penile device that pinches,” said Professor Plum, a board game character known for occasionally surprising Miss Scarlet in the dead of night with rope, for reasons suspected but not confirmed.  “So whether you’re mobilizing the masses, battling with pillows or toying with bits of your crotch, it’s all ethereal and conceptual and momentary and illusory.  If its fun do it, if not don’t, who cares. Except for Internal Revenue.  Those IRS bastards are the real deal and will kick your ass if you don’t pay.  I don’t know what’s up with that.”

Talking policy or penile extension?

Talking policy or penile extension?

In other news, The Washington Times reported Sunday that President Obama was so concerned that he had appeared to dismiss a question from New York Times reporters about whether he was a socialist that he called the newspaper back to clarify his policies. The phone call came after the president was asked aboard his plane: “Are you a socialist as some people have suggested?” Obama said he wasn’t, but he acknowledged that, as he told Joe the Plumber, he plans to try to spread the wealth around. No word on why acting like a socialist doesn’t make him one, but perhaps his next command to “Organizing for America” will clear that up – or perhaps all reality is illusion.

(C) 2009 InebriatedPress.com

 

Obama musters campaign army for economic fight
http://www.google.com/hostednews/afp/article/ALeqM5j21zvfO_1dlWFZWOwb5qL-YTdwgg

San Fran considers pillow fight crackdown
http://www.upi.com/Odd_News/2009/03/09/San_Fran_considers_pillow_fight_crackdown/UPI-34171236628051/

Penis Extender Works, Study Finds
http://www.thedenverchannel.com/irresistible/18869265/detail.html

Obama makes Oval Office call to reporters
http://washingtontimes.com/weblogs/joe-curl/2009/Mar/08/obama-makes-oval-office-call-reporters/

Comments Off on Obama mobilizes P.R Army, San Fan eyes Pillow Fight ban, and Penis extenders work

Filed under Humor, IP News

Google’s Spy Service and White House Clout Grows, while Zombies Roam Illinois

> Spy On Your Workers and let Google Track Your Movements
> Google’s Political Clout Grows as Obama Tech Initiatives Take Shape
> Road Sign warns Illinois Drivers about Zombies

Inebriated Press
February 6, 2009

090206_google_mapPC World reported yesterday that Google just launched a new geo-locater service called Latitude, which transmits the user’s location back to Google for display on Google’s online map service.  Now you can track your employees and loved ones, while you allow Google to load their database with a historical record of every place you go, every time you go there.  And the Wall Street Journal reported Wednesday that when a group of chief executives visited the White House last week to talk about stimulus with President Barack Obama, Google Inc.’s Eric Schmidt was perched right next to the new president. According to the article Mr. Schmidt said Google plans to be involved in discussions about “privacy and the balance of consumer versus government” power in the coming year.  Meanwhile, KSDK TV reported that an electronic road sign in Illinois warned drivers during their Tuesday morning commute, about road closings due to zombies. Pundits are debating whether Google technology has merged with Chicago-style politics to form the new Obama 2.0 Era where Big Brother is as close to you as your cell phone is to your ear.

Community Organizer 2.0

Community Organizer 2.0

“We’ve never had a community-organizer-President running the country with his hands on Google technology and whose Party controls both Houses of Congress, and the idea of all that tech and political power in the hands of the same guy who controls the CIA, FBI and the IRS, scares the dog loving shit right out of me,” said Harvey Oleo-Soybean, a food additive scientist who spends an inordinate amount of time cleaning up after himself these days.  “We know that Obama just converted his campaign machine into a group called ‘Organizing for America’ also known as Obama 2.0, and it’s got the campaigns 13 million email addresses, 4 million contributors and 2 million active volunteers behind it.  When you add the Google data collection on everybody, and now, their plan to track all of our movements, you’ve got some serious power.  And power corrupts.  And you can’t convince me that a Chicago politician like Obama can’t be corrupted … in fact there’s some question as to whether you can even become a politician in Chicago if you aren’t corrupt.  Holy shit!”

Friends of Obama 1.0

Friends of Obama 1.0

Not everyone is as concerned as Oleo-Soybean.  “Some people think that a community organizer who cut his teeth in Chicago politics and who served on a Board with an unrepentant anti-American Pentagon bomber, and who spent 20 years in the church of a preacher who wants god to damn America, and who raised funds and votes through the illegal activities of ACORN, will somehow use Google technology, and all the powers of the courts and spy agencies to his personal and political advantage.  How ridiculous,” said Lisa Lovely-Mayhem, an aerobics instructor and pseudo science teacher whose motto is ‘chaos is our friend’.  “So what if Illinois has convicted their last three governors and our new president did real estate deals with Tony Rezko, who is a convicted felon.  This doesn’t portend anything.  And Bill Clinton’s line about having sex in the Oval Office being ‘because he could’ doesn’t mean Obama will do things just because he can.  I’m sure his plan to change America is for the good, even though we don’t know what he means by that.  I may just be an Illinois zombie, but I like what’s going on!”

Google knows

Google knows

PC World reported that Google’s new geo-locator service, called Latitude, launched on Wednesday, transmits the user’s location back to Google for display using the service’s online maps. The location information comes from a GPS-equipped Smart phones or by triangulation using cell towers. An opt-in service, Latitude also works with laptop computers. The article said it’s easy to think of business uses for Latitude, such as tracking service people as they move from call-to-call. Delivery vehicles might also be tracked, and the service could also be used to make certain the closest resource is always sent to a customer’s request. It could also track specific people, which would be a boon to the personal assistants and group admins of the world. Bosses could also use the service to keep an eye on their charges to make sure they are where they are supposed to be.

The PC World article said the downside of Google’s Latitude is the amount of extremely personal information, such as the details of all a person’s travels that is sent to Google. Some people don’t trust Google to not become evil, if the company hasn’t already. They wonder why the company offers so many free applications unless it has some way to monetize them that isn’t obvious to the user.

Obama & Google CEO Schmidt

Obama & Google CEO Schmidt

The Wall Street Journal reported that when a group of chief executives visited the White House last week to talk about stimulus with President Barack Obama, Google Inc.’s Eric Schmidt wasn’t hard to spot, perched in a prime seat on the new president’s left side. Mr. Schmidt campaigned for Mr. Obama before the election, and Google officials were active in helping with the president’s transition. Now Google figures to be one of the tech companies that benefits from a stimulus program that is likely to include billions of dollars for information technology. Mr. Schmidt, in an interview, described the provisions to deploy Internet in rural and other areas as “a very big deal for us.”

Mr. Schmidt said Google plans to be involved in discussions about “privacy and the balance of consumer versus government” power in the coming year, while paying close attention to ensuring that the support for broadband and for science and technology research reflected in the stimulus bill gets realized. “There is no question technology has more influence with this president,” he said. “I think it is a personal interest.”

Of course you can trust me, I trust you

Of course you can trust me, I trust you

Privacy advocates are already fretting about the White House using Google’s YouTube service, which tracks visitors via electronic cookies. “Given the relationship of Schmidt to the campaign, I think there’s a real concern there’s a kind of open office, revolving door between Google and their goals and the Obama administration,” said Jeff Chester, founder of the Center for Digital Democracy, a consumer-privacy advocacy group.

Fund-raising disclosures show that Google employees ranked as the fourth-largest corporate source of campaign cash for Mr. Obama’s presidential run. After the election, 15 Google executives, including Mr. Schmidt, YouTube co-founder Chad Hurley and chief legal officer David Drummond gave a total of $166,000 to fund the inauguration, according to data released by the transition team. That makes Google employees the third-largest source of donations for Mr. Obama’s inauguration, according to data compiled by the nonpartisan Public Citizen. Google also allowed executives to take leaves of absence to help the Obama transition with policy planning.

Road closed due to zombies

Road closed due to zombies

KSDK TV reported that drivers in the Metro East were warned about zombies during their Tuesday morning commute. This happened on I-255 Southbound just south of the Pontoon Beach exit. Someone changed IDOT’s sign to read “DAILY LANE CLOSURES DUE TO ZOMBIES.” IDOT believes someone hacked the sign’s computer remotely. While crewmembers were still on the scene after fixing the message, the display changed back to the hoax. “We’ve talked to the company that supplies these and they have a patch out there they’ve applied to the program to fix the problem,” said Joe Gasaway with the Illinois Department of Transportation. Just last week, drivers in Austin, TX were warned about “Nazi zombies, run!” and “The end is near.” Pranksters there cut the padlock on the sign and changed the message.

Some people say that actions speak louder than words, and that just because someone shouts “hope and change” and “beware of Zombies” doesn’t really mean that they want what you want.

Zombies or the ACLU, tough to tell

Zombies or the ACLU, tough to tell

“When a guy says he wants to change America and help her realize her potential and then the first thing he does as President is sign an Executive Order to provide 1/2 billion dollars per year to fund abortions around the world, while we have octuplets born in this country that should be killed, it makes me think that perhaps I’m getting something different that I thought I was when I voted for him,” said a hapless hooligan who wondered into the bar around closing time.  “And who’s going to fund hunting and trapping all the zombies out wandering around our highways?  We can’t be having travel disrupted this way.  Sure we can have Google track them and then use laser targeting to have the Department of Defense blast them off the roads, but that would take away from tracking and trapping the Republicans.  We’ve got to use some good common sense here.  Maybe Iranian President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad can give Barack some new ideas when they meet to talk about wiping out the Jews.”

090206_zombie_strippersIn other news, the UK Telegraph reported Tuesday that a doctor advised a patient not to swing from chandeliers during sex. Dr Kenneth Hines, 65, also asked a female patient if she was cheating on her husband and joked to another about pretending to be in a pornographic film, it was claimed at a medical tribunal. The alleged incidents occurred at the Eastwood Medical Centre in South Woodford, east London between 2004 and 2006 after the women sought advice for a range of issues including pregnancy and miscarriage. The first woman, Ms C was told to “wait until she left the surgery”, when she asked whether it was safe to start trying for a baby after a miscarriage, and was later advised it was acceptable as long as she did not “pretend she was in a porn movie and swing from the chandeliers”, it was alleged. No word on whether the doctor meant what he said or if he’s working with Google on Obama 2.0 but once government controlled healthcare is in place we’ll probably find out.

(C) 2009 InebriatedPress.com

Source articles:

Spy On Your Workers With Google Latitude
http://www.pcworld.com/businesscenter/article/158975/spy_on_your_workers_with_google_latitude.html

Google’s Clout Grows as Tech Initiatives Take Shape
http://online.wsj.com/article/SB123370590038545591.html?mod=googlenews_wsj

Sign warns Illinois drivers about zombies
http://www.ksdk.com/news/local/story.aspx?storyid=166427&catid=3

Obama 2.0 — Volunteers of America or 2012 Campaign?
http://www.foxnews.com/politics/first100days/2009/01/29/obama-volunteers-america-campaign/

Doctor ‘told patient not to swing from chandeliers during sex’
http://www.telegraph.co.uk/health/healthnews/4449055/Doctor-told-patient-not-to-swing-from-chandeliers-during-sex.html

Comments Off on Google’s Spy Service and White House Clout Grows, while Zombies Roam Illinois

Filed under Humor, IP News