Tag Archives: barack obama

Japanese Girls like Tough Guys, Florida’s New Underwear Law, and Media’s View of Obama as God

> Women in Japan crazy about Shogun Warlords: “picture-perfect masculinity”
> City in Florida passes new law requiring underwear
> Newsweek Editor on Obama: “He’s sort of God”

Inebriated Press
June 16, 2009

Busted

Busted

The Mainichi Daily News reported Saturday that young women are flocking to landmarks from the Warring States period, and college girls are buying up samurai-themed products. There is a constant shortage of men’s “armor” underwear and 80 percent of the buyers are women.  And Florida’s St. Petersburg Times reported that the Brooksville City Council has passed new rules that require people to wear clothes that “fit properly” and the wearing of underwear.  Enforcement of the new rules is in question.  Meanwhile, The New Republic reported that longtime Newsweek editor Evan Thomas told MSNBC’s Chris Matthew’s that Barack Obama stands above the country, above the world, as a “sort of God”.  Pundits are debating the power of underwear and Obama’s godhood.

Someone named Andrea

Someone named Andrea

“Pardon me if I don’t believe that Obama is God or that underwear in any form is destined to give me power I don’t currently have.  I understand the idea that putting great faith into something or someone can cause change in that it alters our perspectives and influences our behavior, but power and godhood from panties or a community organizer is a bit of a stretch,” said Andrea Aloha-Alabaster, a pastry chef and sensuous Hawaiian without a birth certificate who plans to run for government office some day.  “Political power is given by the people to a leader in the same way states grant authority to the federal government.  At least that’s how it’s supposed to work.  The federal government should not impose its will upon the states, unless the states grant it that right.  And no president should impose their will, or act like a god, unless the citizens establish that power within the presidency — and they have not.  Obama is no god, and my underwear, although silky and comfortable when I wear them, grants me no greater power than I carry already as an American citizen and an intelligent and cogent human being.  I am as I should be, let government and elected leaders be as they should be.  Now enough of the bullshit.”

Power underwear

Power underwear

Not everyone sees it the way Aloha-Alabaster does.  “When I have on my red underwear and garters with black stockings I wield power over men that I don’t have if I just wear my pink panties with the days-of-the-week on them.  There’s no question in my mind that the right underwear gives me power well beyond that of a typical person on a Tuesday.  And Barack Obama is way more than an organizer; he clearly is a god, maybe THEE god, because no typical organizer without government or business experience could have been elected president of the United States.  He must be god — or a demon — I’m pretty sure he’s the god thing,” said Cassy Sassy-Leather, a pole polisher down at the Hot Lace and Cool Leather Lounge.  “And power simply accrues to those who wield it indiscriminately unless they’re restricted.  No one is restricting Barack, so he’s on his way to ruling as god on earth.  And the federal government is absorbing states rights and assuming their power.  It’s no big deal; it’s just the way things work if no one stops it.  See this black bra and these red satin panties?  Watch me walk past those guys over there.  They’d kiss my ass and worship me if I asked them.  I’m like a god with these on in here.  Only Obama can get his ass kissed more than I can, but then he actually is god so you have to expect that.”

On the hunt for picture-perfect masculinity

On the hunt for picture-perfect masculinity

The Mainichi Daily News reported that young women are flocking to significant landmarks from the Warring States period, and college girls are buying up samurai-themed products. Sales of historical books are up, and there have been efforts to revive the publication of paperbacks on warlords. On weekends, Jidai Shobo, a bookstore specializing in historical books in Tokyo’s Chiyoda Ward, is packed with groups of young women. Stationery and mobile phone accessories with family crests of feudal lords line the shelves, with figurines of Sanada Yukimura, the most popular of the warlords, and others also for sale. “I like Kato Kiyomasa,” says customer Izumi Sekine, 34, of a warlord who served the shogun Tokugawa Ieyasu. “There’s an almost picture-perfect masculinity about him.”  More unorthodox products have seen a boost in sales as well. There is a constant shortage in stock of Sido brand underwear or men’s “armor” underwear, which cost a considerable 9,240 a pair. According to Tokyo-based manufacturer Rogin, about 80 percent of buyers are women. Researcher Tetsuaki Higashida from the Dentsu Communication Institute suggests that women are attracted to the masculinity of these warlords, compared to the more passive modern men that they know.

Can't work in this town girl

Can't work in this town girl

The St. Petersburg Times reported that if you want to work for the city of Brooksville, be sure that you use deodorant, that your clothes fit properly and that you cover up your wounds and tattoos. And, for goodness sake, wear underwear. If not, you could violate the city’s new dress code. The Brooksville City Council approved a dress and appearance policy by a count of 4-1 this month, with only Mayor Joe Bernardini casting the dissenting vote. He questioned how the code would be interpreted and enforced. “They said you had to wear undergarments,” Bernardini said, “but who’s going to be the judge of that? Sometimes when it comes to certain people going bra-less, it’s obvious. But who’s staring to see if that person doesn’t have underwear on?” City department heads and managers will be required to interpret and enforce the dress code.

"He's sort of God"

"He's sort of God"

The New Republic reported that Evan Thomas, a longtime editor at Newsweek, told Chris Matthews’s on MSNBC: “I mean, in a way, Obama’s standing above the country, above–above the world, he’s sort of God.” Such words would wreak havoc on any person’s ego, even Barack Obama’s. It also would enrage his enemies. After all, the president has told us that he is a mere student of history, and that he is. But history these days is no longer a discipline inclined to defend the truthfulness of its claims or the reasonableness of its arguments or the plausibility of its conclusions. More and more, history has become a competition between and among narratives, self-consciously disdainful of what we used to think of as fact. In this intellectual competition, the losers almost always win or, at least, they win the “moral argument.” Not in real history, mind you, but in many a Western professor’s classroom. And, sometimes, in an American president’s mind.

The truth is that Barack Obama has a penchant for narratives and yet an inclination to rise above them. Two grand but antithetical stories about the same problem, awaiting him and his Olympian skill for the discovery of “common ground”: That is Obama’s favorite script. He regards himself as a kind of unprecedented referee between histories and philosophies. He likes to think that he can see what others cannot see and that, therefore, they must come to him if they wish to live in peace and with meaning.

Obama: New GodIn addressing American intelligence and security professionals at the National Archives, the president aimed at bridging differences by showing that apparent contradictions are not contradictions at all and that everything will go together, if only for as long as he is speaking. National security that never compromises national values? No problem. National values that guarantee national security? Say it and it will be done. Yes, we have values that elevate and restrict us at once, the ideal of free men and women that procedurally protects also the guilty and the wicked–and never mind that, absent energetic domestic and international defenses, these principles would be outmaneuvered and outclassed on both fronts. And again at Notre Dame, the same above-it-all structure of rhetorical conciliation was applied by Obama to the subject of abortion. “Open hearts. Open minds. Fair-minded words.” Nice enough. But the debate on abortion will not be so tidily retired. All of this is rising above but not really reconciling anything. [Editors note: some people refer to Obama’s rhetorical approach as an exercise in “bullshit”; that’s a technical term]

Sex on the beachIn other news, Live Science reported on Friday that summer time sex is risky. With its warm nights, the summer season often brings out the best and the most adventurous feelings of love and lust. Why confine sex to the bedroom, or even the house, when there are beaches and pools and hot tubs to host our most private moments? A few reasons, as it turns out. Condom companies don’t test their products in such a condition, and therefore can’t vouch for their effectiveness when used in pools, hot tubs or other wet and wild setups. You might want to avoid water sex anyway, as improperly maintained pools, hot tubs and Jacuzzis can be breeding grounds for bacteria. And sand isn’t so good either.  According to researchers, 91 percent of the beaches they studied had detectable levels of enterococci (bacteria that can cause urinary tract infections, endocarditis, diverticulitis and meningitis), and 62 percent of them had traces of E. coli. No word on how masculinity-seeking Japanese women feel about summer sex but I’m sure that Obama’s national healthcare plan will have something to say on the subject.  And it’ll be right on target.  Because god always is.

(C) 2009 InebriatedPress.com

Source articles:

New wave of ‘history girls’ wooed by warlords’ masculinity
http://mdn.mainichi.jp/mdnnews/national/news/20090613p2a00m0na027000c.html

Brooksville’s new dress code requires deodorant, underwear
http://www.tampabay.com/news/politics/local/article1009923.ece

Narrative Dissonance
“I mean, in a way, Obama’s standing above the country, above–above the world, he’s sort of God.”
http://www.tnr.com/politics/story.html?id=cd70b25d-12b5-4f6f-8fd3-4a965be569f3

The Risks of Summer Sex
http://news.yahoo.com/s/livescience/20090612/sc_livescience/therisksofsummersex

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Miranda Rights for Terrorists, Pocket Knife Bans for Americans, and Men Reject Centerfolds for Miss Average

> Obama Administration Orders U.S. Miranda rights for Afghan Combatants
> Obama Administration’s New Rules would Ban Legal Pocketknives in U.S.
> Researchers say Men Prefer Regular Women over Playboy Models

Inebriated Press \ Division of Rant (with Pretzels)
June 15, 2009

Hope and Change Baby

Hope and Change Baby

The Weekly Standard reported Wednesday that the Obama Justice Department has ordered FBI agents to read Miranda rights to high value detainees captured and held at U.S. detention facilities in Afghanistan.  This means they get the same rights as an American arrested for speeding on a U.S. street, and can have a government attorney defend them if they want one.  And WorldNetDaily reported Tuesday that the U.S. Customs and Border Protection Agency is proposing a new definition that could be used to eliminate 8 of 10 legal pocketknives in the United States.  Meanwhile, the Herald Sun reported Friday that researchers have found that men think real women come closest to the ideal body shape rather than the figures of Playboy centerfolds.  Pundits debate why Obama is giving terrorists rights and taking them away from Americans, while men at Inebriated Press exercise their right to hook up with the girls-next door.

Average Jane for Average Joe

Average Jane for Average Joe

“I like my women silicon-free, smart and nice and not so into themselves that they think they have to look like a Playboy chick or act like Paris Hilton in order to get a date.  I also like my pocketknives long and easy to open, and terrorists who try to kill Americans put on a waterboard if it’ll help our cause.  Okay so I’m not cut from the same cloth Obama or Hugh Hefner is — I’m actually happy about that,” said Joe Shmo-Studd, a commodities trader and part-time bouncer down at Susie’s Regular Girl and Regular Guy Beer Emporium.  “Obama said he loved America and wanted to change it, and by damn he’s changing it alright.  I wonder what he loved about it?  Obviously it’s not the individual freedom and opportunity provided to regular Americans.  He’s taking away our freedoms, giving unjustified rights to terrorists, and mortgaging several generations’ futures by spending money we don’t have.  I’m praying that the Republican Party get’s it’s shit together and behaves like Reagan did, and can take Congress back next year.  I like regular women, regular knives and common sense that favor Americans in combat.  It’s not complicated.  It shouldn’t be complicated.  Liberal philosophy that hurts Americans and helps its enemy’s is bullshit.  Obama really believes the anti-American crap his pals Bill Ayers and Rev. Jeremiah Wright were dishing out.  The proof’s in his actions.  They speak way louder than his words.”

Can't compete with Average

Can't compete with Average

Not everyone agrees with Shmo-Studd.  “Barack Obama is doing what’s right by leveling the playing field in the world and making the globe a better, fairer and more equitable place.  Soon America’s economy will be at a third world country level and it’ll be ruled by an old-school Latin American styled dictatorship.  This is outstanding,” said some anti-American asshole recently appointed to the Obama Justice Department — or maybe it was a new Supreme Court Justice, I forget, they all act the same.  “As someone a lot like a left-wing Latino woman I’d explain how this benefits all Americans, but you’re probably just some white guy, or know of one, so you couldn’t understand because you lack the intellectual capacity derived from the experience I have of just being me.  You poor dumb bastard.  You probably think individual freedom, personal responsibility and the U.S. Constitution are useful.  You’re way behind the eight ball.  Not even close.  I’d pity you but we liberal intellectuals don’t really give a shit about anyone but ourselves.  At least the enlightened ones don’t.”

Beheading in War like binge drinking in Kansas

Beheading in War like binge drinking in Kansas

The Weekly Standard reported that the Obama Justice Department has quietly ordered FBI agents to read Miranda rights to high value detainees captured and held at U.S. detention facilities in Afghanistan, according to a senior Republican on the House Intelligence Committee. “The administration has decided to change the focus to law enforcement. Here’s the problem. You have foreign fighters who are targeting US troops today — foreign fighters who go to another country to kill Americans. We capture them and they’re reading them their rights — Mirandizing these foreign fighters,” says Representative Mike Rogers, who recently met with military, intelligence and law enforcement officials on a fact-finding trip to Afghanistan. The FBI and Justice Department plan to significantly expand their role in global counter-terrorism operations, part of a U.S. policy shift that will replace a CIA-dominated system of clandestine detentions and interrogations with one built around transparent investigations and prosecutions.

Obama montageAmericans are familiar with the Miranda warning — so named because of the landmark 1966 Supreme Court case Miranda v. Arizona that required police officers and other law enforcement officials to advise suspected criminals of their rights: “You have the right to remain silent. Anything you say can and will be used against you in a court of law. You have the right to speak to an attorney, and to have an attorney present during any questioning. If you cannot afford a lawyer, one will be provided for you at government expense.” Republicans on Capitol Hill are not happy. “When they mirandize a suspect, the first thing they do is warn them that they have the ‘right to remain silent,'” says Representative Pete Hoekstra, the ranking Republican on the House Intelligence Committee. “It would seem the last thing we want is Khalid Sheikh Mohammed or any other al-Qaeda terrorist to remain silent. Our focus should be on preventing the next attack, not giving radical jihadists a new tactic to resist interrogation–lawyering up.”

Banned for your protection

Banned for your protection

WorldNet Daily reported that the U.S. Customs and Border Protection Agency is proposing a new definition that could be used to eliminate 8 of 10 legal pocketknives in the United States right now, according to activists who are gearing up to fight the plan. The federal bureaucracy is accepting comments – written only – that must be received by June 21 before its planned changes could become final, and Doug Ritter of KnifeRights.org, said the implications of the decision would be far-reaching, since many state and federal agencies depend on the agency’s definitions to determine what is legal in the United States. Ritter said the effect of the proposed change would be that the new design in knives, many of which contain a tiny spring to help the user pull open the blade and lock it into position, would be classified alongside those true weapons where the user just presses a button and the blade is ejected. “They are saying that any knife that you can open quickly or any knife that you can open with one hand is therefore a switchblade,” Ritter told WND. Ritter suggested that up to 80 percent of the pocketknives sold in America today either are one-handed opening knives or so-called assisted opening knives – and they all suddenly would be classified as illegal switchblades.

Regular gals kick Playboy's ass; no wonder Playboy's broke

Regular gals kick Playboy's ass; no wonder Playboy's broke

The Herald Sun reported that far from idolizing slender models, it seems gentlemen actually prefer Miss Average. It turns out that while women turn to plastic surgery or fad diets to get the “perfect” body of supermodels and centerfolds, men find the girl next door more appealing. Most attractive of all is Miss Average who stands at 163cm, with a 76cm waist and 102cm hips, a study found. Researchers asked 100 male students to rate the attractiveness of more than 200 drawings of female torsos of different sizes. They then compared those considered most attractive with the vital statistics of eight groups, including models, Playboy centerfolds and typical members of the population. The real women came closest to the ideal body shape identified in the first part of the study. And the most appealing measured equivalent to a size 14. Curvy women were also judged more appealing than either athletic types or long-legged, big-chested “Barbies”.

Drunk babes prep for Miranda rights

Drunk babes prep for Miranda rights

In other news, Metro reported Thursday that binge drinking used to affect men more frequently but now women are downing nearly as much alcohol. More than two-fifths of all 16 to 24-year-old women questioned in a study admitted going over recommended booze limits at least one day a week. “As a result, the number of young women drinking more than the recommended daily limit has now reached a similar level to that of young men,” according to the Office of National Statistics. No word on whether women who binge drink like pocketknives or if they prefer looking like the girl-next-door, but if they’re driving home drunk you can bet they know all about Miranda rights.  Or will real soon.

(C) 2009 InebriatedPress.com

Source articles:

Not Right
The Obama administration grants Miranda rights to detainees in Afghanistan.
http://www.weeklystandard.com/Content/Public/Articles/000/000/016/605iidws.asp

Obama move would eliminate 8 of 10 pocketknives
‘If this were to pass and you cross the state line with one, it’s a felony’
http://wnd.com/index.php?fa=PAGE.view&pageId=100679

Men reject centerfolds for Miss Average
Far from idolizing slender models, it seems gentlemen actually prefer Miss Average.
http://www.news.com.au/story/0,27574,25623858-36398,00.html

Female binge drinkers matching men
Binge drinking used to affect men more frequently but now women are downing nearly as much alcohol.
http://www.metro.co.uk/news/article.html?Female_binge_drinkers_matching_men&in_article_id=683888&in_page_id=34

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Filed under Division of Rant (with Pretzels), Humor, IP News

Rustlers steal Queen’s Cattle, Obama more Left than Chavez, and Mafia ruins Teen’s Shopping Spree

> Cattle Rustlers Stole Cows from Queen Elizabeth’s estate
> Venezuela’s Chavez says “Comrade” Obama’s Nationalization of GM Makes Him the Most Left-Wing
> Girls use Mafia to crack parents safe, worked, but not quite as hoped

Inebriated Press
June 5, 2009

Got a safe on ya?  You're not Mafia, right?

Got a safe on ya? You're not Mafia, right?

Reuters reported on Wednesday that cattle rustlers stole prized cattle from an English estate of Queen Elizabeth that were being fattened for the royal table.  And, Reuters reported Tuesday that Venezuela’s President Hugo Chavez says he and Cuban leader Fidel Castro are more conservative than U.S. President Obama, as Barack prepares to nationalize General Motors Corporation.  Meanwhile, Sweden’s The Local reported on Wednesday that two teenage girls who took the family safe to finance a day of shopping, asked a mafia guy to break it open for them.  They never saw it again.  Pundits are contemplating the ethical and practical implications of cattle rustling, nationalization of industry and ripping off your parents. 

Someone named Honey

Someone named Honey

“All’s fair in love, war, politics and elementary physics … as well as cattle rustling, robbing your own parents and other stuff if you can get away with it,” said Honey Sukle-Kreme, a candy store manager and part-time stripper down at the Sweet and Sassy Beer and Haircare Shoppe.  “There aren’t any real rights or wrongs, I think that’s been established by the theory of relativity and the Woodstock music festival, so we really should just move on.  I mean, some people still get hung up on the idea that stealing someone’s cattle, or over-taxing the middle class, or even nationalizing major industries because you can — is wrong or something.  It’s nothing of the kind.  If you have the power and the will to do any of those things, then you do it if you want to.  It’s basic evolutionary theory — survival of the fittest.  If I’m stronger than you I can take your stuff, whether you’re my parents, the queen, or private enterprise.  If you don’t like it, suck it, there’s nothing you can do.  I’d talk about this more, but my car is parked outside and the meter is about to expire.  If I don’t put some money in it I’ll have to pay a fine.  Why the damn meter officials don’t grasp the reality of relativity and Woodstock, and forget about giving me tickets I just don’t know.  Obama will fix that one of these days.  He’s a fixer kind of guy from Chicago you know.”

Someone named Wanda

Someone named Wanda

Not everyone exudes the same nectar as Sukle-Kreme.  “Holy crap, rustlers ripped off the queen and Obama is ripping off private enterprise, that’s some crazy shit.  Now the mafia ripping off some stupid girls is no biggy, what did the girls expect — they’ve never watched any mafia movies or something?  On the other hand American’s have had to have seen a few socialists, at least in history class, and should have known what Obama the community organizer was up to.  Sometimes people come face to face with their own stupidity and just smile and wave,” said Wanda Silikon-Basil, a buxom gardener known for her uncommon genius — mainly with fertilizer and bustiers.  “I tend to be pretty easy going and am pretty much an optimist, but I’m worried about whether the Queen is going to have enough beef to get her through the winter.  She’s getting along in age and it’s important that she gets enough protein.  As far as the U.S. goes with nationalization of industry, I could worry about that too, but the voters chose a one-term Senator whose only experience was in community organizing, and he’s never run a business or government — so the Americans are getting what they asked for.  You vote like a dumb shit and you get that kind of governance.  Stupid is as stupid does.  I’m not staying awake nights worrying about an idiotic decision like that.”

Queen Liz: Where's my beef?

Queen Liz: Where's my beef?

Reuters reported that cattle rustlers stole prized cows and bulls from an English country estate of Queen Elizabeth that were being fattened up for the royal dining table. Tony Barratt, the farmer in charge of some 300 livestock on the British queen’s Sandringham estate in southeastern England, told Reuters on Wednesday that police were investigating the disappearance of the cattle over the last week and said they had probably been illegally slaughtered by now. “It makes me so angry because this is beef which is enjoyed by the queen herself,” said Barratt.

Comrades Obama and Chavez

Comrades Obama and Chavez

Reuters reported that Venezuela’s President Hugo Chavez said on Tuesday that he and Cuban ally Fidel Castro risk being more conservative than U.S. President Barack Obama as Washington prepares to take control of General Motors Corp. During one of Chavez’s customary lectures on the “curse” of capitalism and the bonanzas of socialism, the Venezuelan leader made reference to GM’s bankruptcy filing, which is expected to give the U.S. government a 60 percent stake in the 100-year-old former symbol of American might. “Hey, Obama has just nationalized nothing more and nothing less than General Motors. Comrade Obama! Fidel, careful or we are going to end up to his right,” Chavez joked on a live television broadcast. Chavez, a vehement critic of the U.S. “empire,” has toned down his rhetoric since Obama took office in January. Obama and the federal government will take control of GM after a $30 billion injection of taxpayer funds.

Two Swedish girls

Two Swedish girls

The Local reported that two Swedish teenage girls who took a family safe to finance a day of shopping allege their plans were spoiled when they inadvertently handed the safe over to someone with ties to the mob. In order to pay for a joyride and accompanying shopping spree, the girls stole a safe containing 10,000 kronor ($1,300) in cash which belonged to the father of one of the girls. The girls stuffed the safe in a bag and headed to Malmö where they met up with a male acquaintance of one of the girls who was supposed to help them crack open the safe. But the acquaintance told the girls he lacked the right tools to open the safe, and instead had to hand it over to someone else. According to the girls, they never saw the safe again and allege it ended up in the hands of the mafia.
 

Ah shit, I should have spoken up earlier ...

Ah shit, I should have spoken up earlier ...

In other news, Bloomberg reported Wednesday that Federal Reserve Chairman Ben S. Bernanke said large U.S. budget deficits threaten financial stability and the government can’t continue indefinitely to borrow at the current rate to finance the shortfall. The Fed chief said in his remarks to the House Budget Committee that deficit concerns are already influencing the prices of long-term Treasuries. The budget deficit this year is projected to reach $1.85 trillion, equivalent to 13 percent of the nation’s economy, according to the nonpartisan Congressional Budget Office. “Either cuts in spending or increases in taxes will be necessary to stabilize the fiscal situation,” Bernanke said. This year’s projected budget deficit is four times the size of last year’s shortfall. Wisconsin Representative Paul Ryan, the ranking Republican on the committee, said that the Treasury’s debt issuance and the Fed’s monetary stimulus, including purchases of government bonds, “can be a dangerous policy mix” and risks “runaway inflation” in the longer term.  No word on how Bernanke feels about stealing the Queens cattle, nationalizing industry or ripping off his parents, but I don’t give a shit about that. What I want to know is where the hell this guy’s been while Obama and the Democrats have been spending all of our money — and half of the next generations.  But maybe people really do come face to face with their own stupidity and just smile and wave.  At least he’s finally pulled his head out of his ass.  Now we’ll see if anyone else does.

(C) 2009 IebriatedPress.com

Source articles:

Where’s the beef? Rustlers stole it your majesty
http://news.yahoo.com/s/nm/20090603/lf_nm_life/us_britain_royal_beef_1

Venezuela Chavez says “Comrade” Obama more left-wing
http://www.reuters.com/article/ObamaEconomy/idUSTRE5520GX20090603?feedType=RSS&feedName=ObamaEconomy&virtualBrandChannel=10441

‘Mafia’ ruined Swedish teens’ shopping spree
http://www.thelocal.se/19838/

Bernanke Warns Deficits Threaten Financial Stability
http://www.bloomberg.com/apps/news?pid=20601087&sid=ahrOZ.gd85yc

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Michael Phelps Gold Metal Sex, Taliban Poisoning Afghan School Girls, and Obama’s Attack on Hulu

> Stripper says Sex with Phelps lasted Three Hours
> Afghan Girls Poisoned in School by Extremists
> Obama Administration may bring Antitrust action against Hulu.com

Inebriated Press
May 13, 2009

Michael "Stamina" Phelps

Michael "Stamina" Phelps

The New York Post reported on Sunday that a stripper, who claims to have had a threesome with gold medalist Michael Phelps, says he has tremendous stamina and that sex lasted for about three hours.  And Associated Press reported on Tuesday that at least 84 Afghan schoolgirls were admitted to a hospital in the third poison attack in three weeks on a girl’s school, and some believe its being done by the Taliban or other “conservative” extremist groups who oppose girl’s education.  Meanwhile, Breitbart reported Monday that Hulu’s runaway success over the last year and the number of exclusive agreements it has struck, is resulting in attacks by many media commentators using antitrust language.  Given that President Obama has said he wants to strengthen antitrust law in the U.S., and wants more scrutiny of media, many believe it won’t be long until the U.S. Department of Justice begins antitrust action against Hulu.  Some pundits are trying to create a new nonprofit organization committed to helping Afghan women become highly educated, while enjoying movies on Hulu and having marathon sex. 

Someone named Melanie

Someone named Melanie

“At some point a person has to take a stand against the oppression of a young woman’s right to an education, against attacks on successful private enterprise like Hulu, and in favor of programs that result in hours of legalized sexual gratification.  And that’s why I’m organizing the ‘Hot-n-Heavy Web University Trust Fund and Skin Care Foundation’,” said Melanie Fulmetal-Jackette, a corporate executive and part-time stripper down at the Blue Steel Dance and Ammo Club.  “It’s time that everyone who claims to have a rational brain either fight Al Qaeda and the Taliban and kill them all and free the women to new opportunities; or fund groups like mine that are committed to helping oppressed women obtain good educations, get free access to Internet movies and have frequent orgasms through sex that works for them.  Oh, and a little skin care advice too, you can’t let stuff like that to chance.”

Undeserving of education and sex?

Undeserving of education and sex?

Not everyone agrees with Fulmetal-Jackette.  “Women are the property of all enlightened male members of the Taliban, and as such, are subject to our wishes and demands that they remain stupid and ignorant and do what we say.  As far as Hulu goes, all video entertainment should be banned with the exception of an occasional report from Osama bin Laden, or maybe a video of Taliban elders having sex with little girls they’ve forced to be their wives, but we don’t want to talk a lot about that because it makes our daughters irrationally nervous,” said Imum Sicsumbitch, a Taliban elder and one of several Sicsumbitch’s leading the movement.  In fact he proudly belongs to a line that includes several generations of Sicsumbitch’s who have passed their belief system down to him.  “And sex is whatever we say it is.  Women shouldn’t enjoy sex, but Taliban men need to have it as often as possible and have many wives so we can increase in number so there will be more Sicsombitch’s throughout the Middle East ruling other men and stopping the education and pleasure of women.  When we have destroyed the West, then there will finally be peace and proper rule on earth.  We are so glad that Obama has declared an end to the war on terror.  We knew the infidels would give up eventually.  Soon all women in the world will be denied educations, the way god intended.”

Phelps catching his breath during sex marathon

Phelps catching his breath during sex marathon

The New York Post reported that Michael Phelps deserves another gold medal – for stamina in the sack, according to a stripper who claims she had a threesome with the swim champ. “The sex lasted for about three hours,” Baltimore stripper Theresa White told Britain’s News of the World. “Michael should get another Olympic gold for marathon love-making!”  White, 25, claims Phelps invited her and some of her lap-dancing pals to his apartment, and that’s where the action allegedly took a kinky turn after two hours of drinking. White said she approached Phelps for a three-way: “He told me he’d never had one before but said it would be with me and then pointed at another girl. “Everybody else stayed put while we went upstairs and jumped into bed,” she said. A rep for Phelps did not return messages seeking comment.

Taliban going clubbing with women

Taliban going clubbing with women

The Associated Press reported that at least 84 schoolgirls in Charikar, Afghanistan were admitted to a hospital Tuesday for headaches and vomiting in the third apparent poison attack on a girl’s school in as many weeks, officials and doctors said. The students were lining up outside their school in northeastern Afghanistan on Tuesday morning when a strange odor filled the school yard, and one girl collapsed, said the school’s principal, who was herself in a hospital bed gasping for breath as she described the event. It was unclear if the incident was a deliberate attack on the school, though the Taliban and other conservative extremist groups in Afghanistan, who oppose girl’s education, have been known to target schoolgirls. The attack comes one day after 61 schoolgirls and one teacher from a school in neighboring Parwan province were admitted to a hospital after complaining of sudden illness. They were irritable, confused and weeping, and several of the girls passed out. Under the Taliban’s 1996-2001 regime, girls were not allowed to attend school. Though it was unclear if the recent incidents were the result of attacks, militants in the south have previously assaulted schoolgirls by spraying acid in their faces and burning down schools to protest the government. “I’m going to be scared when I go back to school. What if we die?” said a startled looking 11-year-old, Tahira, from her hospital bed. 

HuluBreitbart reported that as is sadly the case for all good things, the video website Hulu.com may well come under attack by the government, specifically in the form of antitrust action by the Obama administration. Socialism’s great horde of media apologists has begun a strong drumbeat calling for the U.S. government to go after Hulu, the immensely and increasingly successful source of online streaming media content. Cord Blomquist of the Competitive Enterprise Institute documents the socialists’ campaign for a government attack on Hulu in an excellent article at the Technology Liberation Front website. “Many media commentators are already using the kind of language we associate with past media antitrust cases,” Blomquist notes. “Hulu’s runaway success over the last year and its growing number of exclusivity agreements mean that it could see some of the added scrutiny that Mr. Obama believes is necessary in the world of media.  Of course, there are thousands of arguments as to why an actual antitrust case would lack any real merit—the availability of media in other formats such as broadcast or DVD, the number of non-exclusive deals Hulu has signed, the low barriers to entry and low costs for others to offer similar streaming video services—yet these arguments have failed to impress judges and administrations in the past.

Rahm Emanuel's bro, Ezekiel, health care advisor

Rahm Emanuel's bro, Ezekiel, health care advisor

In other news, Politico reported Monday that President Obama’s promise of changing Washington hasn’t extended to banishing the age-old practice of giving plum posts to relatives of your top supporters — as he’s done with the relatives of a half-dozen well-connected Democrats. They’re well-known names in Democratic politics — Kerry, Clyburn, Hamilton, Gregoire, Mikva and Emanuel — but have received little attention. There are federal nepotism laws barring public officials from hiring relatives in their agency or area of jurisdiction, but Obama has not instituted any specific ethics rules regarding the relatives of other prominent officials. Ethics advocates urged the president to be cautious.  No word on why Obama should be cautious about this when he spends tax dollars with reckless abandon and is casually removing post-9-11 strategy that has kept us safe for the last eight years, but, if we can figure out how we can all have marathon sex maybe we can ignore bothersome common sense stuff.

(C) 2009 InebriatedPress.com 

Source articles:

PHELPS ‘IN MARATHON SEX ROMP’
http://www.nypost.com/seven/05102009/news/nationalnews/phelps_in_marathon_sex_romp_168587.htm

Afghan girls hospitalized in apparent poisoning
http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/30681708/

Hulu.com May Be Target of Antitrust Attack
http://bighollywood.breitbart.com/stkarnick/2009/05/11/hulucom-may-be-target-of-antitrust-attack/

Family ties aid Obama applicants
http://www.politico.com/news/stories/0509/22347.html

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Coca-Cola drops Sex ad, Condi Rice kicks Ass, and Tricks of the Vegas Sex Trade

> Coke ‘cans’ ad suggesting women should always be open for sex
> Condoleezza Rice knocks back ‘torture’ ambush
> Success in Sex Club biz: anything goes

Inebriated Press
May 7, 2009

Condoleezza attitudeAustralia’s Daily Telegraph reported this week that Coca-Cola has been forced to can a TV ad which authorities say suggested women should be available for sex whenever men want it. And the U.K. Telegraph reported Saturday that Condoleezza Rice defended the Bush administration actions that a group of Stanford students called torture, when they ambushed her recently. Said Rice: “If you were in a position of authority and watched Americans jumping out of 80-storey buildings because these murderous tyrants go after innocent people, then you would have determined to do anything you could that was legal to prevent that happening.”  Meanwhile, an investigative reporter for KLAS-TV Las Vegas reported last week that the secret to sex clubs success, is that they offer nearly anything you want, with anyone who’s willing.  Pundits are wrestling over ideas of whether women should always be available for sex in Las Vegas, or everywhere Coke is sold, and whether Condi Rice should be the current U.S. president.

Someone named Tony

Someone named Tony

“Condi Rice should be president and Sarah Palin the vice president right now. We’d have common sense, governing experience, and two hot women who don’t take shit from anybody running the country; and have something going for us, instead of this see-a-problem-throw-money-at-it, and see-an-enemy-kiss-their-ass bullshit,” said Tony Krushim-Twice, a small business owner who doubles as a bouncer down at the Dance -n- Jerk Lounge and Weight Lifting Club.  “As far as women being available for sex, that’s their business.  They want to sell it in Vegas or give it away wherever Coca-Cola is sold, that’s up to them.  It’s about personal freedom and individual rights.  I hate all of Obama’s nanny-state crap where federal bureaucrats and politicians are supposed to know better than we are, and they take over half of our income to give to other people and then tell us how to live, because they supposedly know better.  That’s bull.  Condi and Sarah wouldn’t take that crap, or try to pass it off as ‘hope and change’ when its totalitarianism dressed up in socialists clothing.  We should ride Obama and his minions out of D.C. on a rail.  I’m a free man.  That’s what the founders of America had in mind.  That’s what we’ve got to get back to in America.  Damn straight.”

Someone named Susan

Someone named Susan

Not everyone agrees with Krushim-Twice.  “The liberal government knows better than regular Americans do, and should be telling us what we can and can’t do, and how much money we get to keep from our paychecks and how much should be spread around by helpful bureaucrats and Democrats.  No one has a right to freedom, or the money they earn, or where and if they live, only the State can grant that,” said Susan Nayzil-Squez, a terrorist sympathizer who currently advises the U.S. Department of Defense when she’s not protesting against American’s right to bear arms.  “If the State says women should be available for sex then they should be available for sex.  If the State says Coca-Cola has to pay U.S. taxes in addition to foreign taxes on all the money they earn outside of the U.S. then they have to pay them.  It’s not about whether U.S. companies survive or leave the U.S. entirely due to the tax structures that the Obama administration is rolling out, it’s about fairness as defined by those in power.  And Obama is the State today, and the State is power, so he’ll tell you what ‘fair’ is.  It’s not complicated.  Authoritarianism has been around for centuries, just not in America.  You’ll get used to it.  Just do whatever Barack says, and you’ll be fine.  If you won’t, well, then expect to be marginalized, taxed out of business, and basically destroyed.  You don’t want that, so just play along.  That’s how these regimes work.  American’s are kind of slow to figure this out, but they’ll fall in line after a few hard knocks.”

Hot CokeThe Daily Telegraph reported that Coca-Cola has been forced to stop running a TV ad which authorities say suggested women should be available for sex whenever men want it. The Advertising Standards Bureau found the advertisement, though light-hearted, was inappropriate to be on TV when children were watching. In the ad a “hero” man who is breaking up with his girlfriend at a roadside cafe is suddenly surrounded by pole dancers. His dumped girlfriend acknowledges the man doesn’t want to be with just one woman, then offers: “Just call me when you want to have fun”. A series of complaints to the advertising watchdog argued the ad degraded women and promoted casual sex for men. The board noted the ad suggested “men should have multiple partners and that women should make themselves available for sex or ‘fun’ whenever the man wants.” “We certainly did not mean to cause offence,” Coke said in a statement to the bureau.

Condi is for real; picture is faked

Condi is for real; picture is faked

The Telegraph reported that Condoleezza Rice behaved magnificently while being ambushed by left-liberal students at Stanford University with a series of “difficult” questions about torture, Abu Ghraib, Guantanamo Bay and US foreign policy under George W Bush. The article said her coolness under fire is magnificent, but more impressive still is her refusal to duck the issues. “Sorry we have to leave”, an official can be heard saying off camera, but Condi isn’t going to take the easy way out: she wants to stand up for her principles and put the pantywaists in their place. “Let me tell you something: unless you were there in a position of responsibility after September 11 you cannot possibly imagine the dilemmas that we faced in trying to protect Americans,” she says.

Rice went on: “A lot of people are second guessing now but let me tell you the second guessing that would have hurt me more is if there had been 3,000 more Americans dying because we didn’t do everything we could to protect them. If you were in a position of authority and watched Americans jumping out of 80-storey buildings because these murderous tyrants go after innocent people then you would have determined to do anything you could that was legal to prevent that happening.”

Condi is similarly robust when rebutting the suggestion that the US has no place dealing with regimes like Saudi Arabia: “You don’t have the luxury in foreign policy of not dealing with a country because you don’t like its human rights practices.” And she is quite withering when the pallid leftie student tries having a go at her about supposed torture at Guantanamo. “Did you know that Guantanamo was called a ‘model medium security prison’ by representatives of the Organization of Security and Cooperation in Europe?” The student reluctantly concedes he hasn’t. “Maybe before you make allegations about Guantanamo, you should READ,” says Condi, with exquisitely measured scorn.  The Telegraph writer said Condi Rice is the “person of color” America really needs in charge right now.

kinky sex clubKLAS-TV Las Vegas reported that sex clubs offer nearly anything you want with anyone who’s willing. They operate in a world of loose regulation, weak enforcement and an anything goes attitude. Technically they are illegal. From wife-swapping to whips and chains, it’s yours if you want it. There is a huge market for clubs that offer every fantasy imaginable for just an entrance fee. County code says that won’t fly. So, why hasn’t there been a crackdown? The answer is more complicated than you’ve heard before. It’s where money, power and sex all come together.

“From bondage, to transgender to Bi to whatever else, we’re the ‘everybody else’ club,” said Mike Powers, the owner and operator of Power Exchange, the newest sex club in Las Vegas. “It’s part of an open-minded alternative aspect of society. It’s like the Elks Club or the Lions, kind of club for extreme interests, perverse interests or bizarre interests.” Clark County code calls sex clubs a “public nuisance.” It defines them as places for “adult social sexual encounters”, where patrons can “voluntarily engage in and/or view” live sex. So, if the county prohibits it, how do the clubs stay in business? The issue is money. Powers brings money into the economy. Powers thinks the county looks the other way because of the taxes and attention he brings to Las Vegas. No one from Clark County or the commissioners wanted to go on camera for the story. They tell Eyewitness News they stand by the ordinance.

Some people say that rule of law is only as strong as its enforcement, and that freedom and democracy is only as strong as its defenders.

Someone named Lynn

Someone named Lynn

“If you can break the law and get away with it, what good is law?  If you say you have individual freedom but the State runs your life, confiscates your financial property through taxation and tells you what doctor you can see and who you can’t, takes ownership of auto companies, insurance companies and financial firms, then dictates executive salaries and so forth, what freedom do you really have,” asked Lynn Browne-Sugare, a bastion of female genius tucked subtly inside a sweet package and sprinkled with common sense.  “Power is at the center of every government and its decisions.  Any time the government increases taxes they take your freedom to spend where you want, on what you want, and where you want, and replace it with a politician’s or bureaucrat’s vision of ‘what’s best’.  Little by little your freedom erodes until all that’s left is the idea, not the reality.  If you won’t stand up for personal freedom and individual rights, the government sure as hell won’t do it for you.  The government will do it to you. What starts as statism, with the government growing in size, scope and power, gradually becomes socialism, then totalitarianism.  Maybe even dictatorship.  Call it what you want, you lose freedom every time the government makes another decision for you, takes another dime from your pocket, ‘helps’ you do what you should be doing for yourself.  Pull your heads out of your collective asses, Americans.  Your freedom is being usurped even as you read this.  Only you can stop it.”

Orwell's 1984In other news, The Boston Globe reported yesterday that MoveOn.org is funding ad’s backing Obama’s push for nationalized healthcare while marginalizing private insurance companies who believe that they can’t compete with taxpayer funded government health insurance. In the ad, two men complain about the public plan option. “It’ll be a disaster for us,” one says.  The second says, “A public healthcare plan means affordable healthcare for everyone. You know what that means. ” The first answers, “Healthy people living longer.”  No word on why you’ll be healthier and live longer if you give control of your healthcare to politicians and bureaucrats who have mismanaged Social Security, Medicare, Medicaid, and virtually all health and retirement related funding in the U.S. But then maybe we’ve forgotten that it’s all about power.  And the less power you have, the better the government will be able to ‘help’ you.  After all, in the Land of Hope and Change, we are no longer endowed by our Creator with inalienable rights to life, liberty and the pursuit of happiness.  Only the State can grant those.  Anyone who questions this is on Homeland Security’s terrorist watch list.  And the sad thing is, I’m not making that shit up.  Homeland Security came out and said so.  This isn’t 2008 anymore.  This is 2009’s developing version of Orwell’s 1984.
 
(C) 2009 InebriatedPress.com

Source articles:

Coca-Cola forced to can ad over woman available for sex
http://www.news.com.au/dailytelegraph/story/0,22049,25422198-5006007,00.html

Coca-Cola’s pulled ad:

Condi Rice sticks it to the Stanford bleeding hearts
http://blogs.telegraph.co.uk/james_delingpole/blog/2009/05/02/condi_rice_sticks_it_to_the_stanford_bleeding_hearts

Condi kicks ass, YouTube clip:

I-Team: Tricks of the Trade in Las Vegas Sex Clubs
http://www.klas-tv.com/Global/story.asp?S=10275829&nav=menu102_2

Ad spoofs funeral directors on Obama health plan
http://www.boston.com/news/politics/politicalintelligence/2009/05/ad_spoofs_funer.html

moveon.org ad:

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Obama’s Touch Kills, IRS Gives Out Wrong Numbers, New Rub-on ‘Viagra’ Invented

> Obama tested for virus after man he touches dies next day
> IRS issues audit notices with wrong telephone contact number
> New erectile drug cures when rubbed on “problem area”

Inebriated Press
April 30, 2009

Up your chances with nanotech

Up your chances with nanotech

The Sun reported Tuesday that President Obama was tested for a virus after a man he shook hands with collapsed and died the next day.  And KING 5 News Seattle reported on Monday that letters issued by the U.S. Internal Revenue Service (IRS) informing citizens that they are being audited contain the wrong telephone number.  Meanwhile, The Telegraph reported that a new anti-impotency drug has been developed that can be “rubbed on the problem area and absorbed directly into the skin”.  Inebriated Reporters are avoiding Obama’s touch and dodging his gaze, while blowing off the IRS and aggressively hunting rub-on sex products.

Pissed off conservative

Pissed off conservative

“Obama’s been called the light bringer by New Age types who believe he’s divinely appointed by nature and evolution to guide the world into a new era of hope and peace, but we know now that his touch is deadly.  People who shake his hand die, nations that accept his economic policies face financial ruin, countries that adopt his foreign policies are weakened and may collapse,” said some pissed off conservative, still clinging to god, guns, individual freedom and the scattered remnants of traditional America.  “We all know that Timothy Geithner the Treasury Secretary and head of the IRS, cheated on his taxes.  No wonder he won’t put the right phone number on audit letters, he doesn’t really want to have to talk to anyone.  I’m just grateful that the medical companies have invented rub-on hard-on products.  I don’t actually need anything like that to get the machinery going, but it sounds like a fun product that’s going to be outselling jelly bean’s.  In this economy, a guy’s got to grab the bright spots where ever he can find them.”

Happy and content Democrat leader Reid

Happy and content Democrat leader Reid

Not everyone agrees with the pissed off conservative.  “Obama was tested for a virus because people were afraid he may have caught something from the walking-dead guy, not the other way around.  And the IRS isn’t good with numbers, that’s the only reason for the phone number problem; it’s not a big deal.  As far as rub-on sexual stimulation and erectile products go, well, I like it.  Strange as it may seem, there are some things that liberals and conservatives can agree on,” said a passing liberal, spinning like a top and throwing tax-payer money in all directions and calling it stimulus and an investment in America’s infrastructure.  “I don’t know about Barack and all the light bringer stuff, but he’s spending our nation’s future today so that has to count for something.  Now go ahead and rub me with some of that stuff.  Let’s see what happens.”

dead-man-shaking-obamas-handThe Sun reported that a man who shook President Barack Obama’s hand in Mexico collapsed and died the next day with swine flu-like symptoms. Archaeologist Felipe Solis, 65, met Mr. Obama, on April 16, three days after the virus emerged. The White House said Monday night Mr. Obama had been tested and was not in danger. The US president said the spread of the disease was a cause for concern “but not a cause for alarm”.

KING 5 News Seattle reported that Carole Bouslaugh from Edmonds got a letter no one wants to receive –   notification of an IRS audit. Shocked by the news, Carole called the agency with the number provided on the letter. “I call it because I want to get this over with,” said Carole. “Then it says, ‘I’m sorry but we can’t complete this call.’ I do it again and I do it again and I go what? It’s totally wrong, totally wrong. So I contacted the IRS using a more reliable method, the phone book.” The agency apologized for the mistake, but wouldn’t admit how many notices were sent out. The number on the notice: 816-897-0177. The correct number for the IRS is 1-800-829-1040. 
 

Tests show it works

Tests show it works

The Telegraph reported that a new generation of anti-impotency drugs that are rubbed into the skin could prove more effective than Viagra, research indicates. Scientists in the United States have successfully tested the new technique – which involves tiny objects called nanoparticles – on rats and believe it could also be used to help humans. Under the therapy, nanoparticles that release the anti-erectile chemical nitric oxide are rubbed on the problem area, and absorbed directly into the skin. Of the seven rats treated by the Albert Einstein College of Medicine in New York, five showed signs of arousal, according to results presented to the American Urological Association (AUA). The new treatment would likely have fewer side effects than Viagra, which is taken orally and been shown to cause headaches and facial flushing. Researchers also believe that the nanoparticle therapy could work much more quickly than Pfizer’s market-leading drug, which takes up to an hour to kick in.

Some people say anything that rubs you the right way should be purchased, invested in and leveraged to the hilt.

Someone named April

Someone named April

“In a free market economy, products and services that people want generate business and profits and are successful.  They don’t need artificial stimulus or government bailouts,” said April Warrm-Flushh, a market analyst and advisor at the Rub-Me Right Lounge and Investment Bank.  “Products or services that are poor or mismanaged fail and should be left to fail, or the companies that own them should use the bankruptcy for reorganization laws that are already in place to manage these situations.  Government intervention distorts the market and harms the successful well-managed firms competing with bad companies being artificially propped up.  On the other hand, if a little rub-on hard-on lube can jump start a successful business or relationship, it’s okay, as long as it remains fundamentally market driven and open to supply and demand factors and honestly interested parties who are legal adults.  I’m a legal adult.  What are you doing later this evening?”

In other news, the Washington Times reported Tuesday that President Obama’s media cheerleaders are hailing how loved he is. But at the 100-day mark of his presidency, Mr. Obama is the second-least-popular president in 40 years. According to Gallup’s April survey, Americans have a lower approval of Mr. Obama at this point than all but one president since Gallup began tracking this in 1969. The only new president less popular was Bill Clinton, who got off to a notoriously bad start after trying to force homosexuals on the military and a federal raid in Waco, Texas, that killed 86. Mr. Obama’s current approval rating of 56 percent is only one tick higher than the 55-percent approval Mr. Clinton had during those crises.

obama montageIt’s no surprise the liberal media aren’t anxious to point out that their darling is less popular than George W. Bush. But given the Gallup numbers, their hurrahs could be more subdued. USA Today’s front page touted the April poll results as positive, with the headline: “Public thinks highly of Obama.” The current cover of Newsweek magazine ponders “The Secret of His [Mr. Obama’s] Success.” The comparison with previous presidents is useful because they are usually popular during their first few months in office – and most presidents have been more popular than Mr. Obama. No word on what lube the media intends to use over the next four years to prop up the perception that Obama is keeping American’s attitudes happily aroused, but it’ll probably be some combination of nanoparticles and wrong telephone numbers.

(C) 2009 InebriatedPress.com

Source articles:

Barack Obama has test for virus
http://www.thesun.co.uk/sol/homepage/news/article2399368.ece?OTC-RSS&ATTR=News

IRS sends out wrong phone number
http://www.king5.com/localnews/getjesse/stories/NW_042709GJB-irs-wrong-phone-number-KC.119b3fa4d.html

Viagra rival ‘can be rubbed directly into skin’
http://www.telegraph.co.uk/news/newstopics/howaboutthat/5225138/Viagra-rival-can-be-rubbed-directly-into-skin.html

EDITORIAL: Barack’s in the basement
Obama is less popular than Nixon and Carter
http://washingtontimes.com/news/2009/apr/28/baracks-in-the-basement/

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Fox Snubs Obama, Jets Freak-Out New York, and Jew’s Fire on Muslim Boaters

> Fox TV Network will Skip Obama’s Speech
> Boeing 747 and Fighter Jets Buzz New York City
> Israeli’s on Italian Cruise Ship Fire on Somali Pirates

 
Inebriated Press
April 29, 2009
 
Obama messiahThe Associated Press reported Monday that Fox became the first broadcast network to turn down a request from President Obama for air time.  Other networks have whined about his constant requests, but Fox finally said enough is enough.  And, The New York Times reported Monday that a large U.S. passenger jet trailed by two jet fighters caused panic in New York City when they swooped past office towers rattling windows.  “We ran like hell,” said one worker.  Meanwhile, Fox News reported that an Italian cruise ship fended off a Somali pirate attack when its Israeli security forces exchanged fire with the bandits.  Nine out of ten pets surveyed say things would be going pretty well nowadays, if PETA would just settle down and American’s would return to common sense in government.

Short haired terrier“Woof woof, bark.  Sorry about that, let me translate.  You have a U.S. president who is in the media so much; pretty soon you just blow him off.  It may be his strategy.  And it doesn’t matter if you’re an Israeli or a U.S. Navy SEAL; you blow pirates away when you get the chance, that’s just the right thing to do.  As far as the jets doing low altitude photo-op runs at the Statue of Liberty and towers in New York, you have to tell folks about it well in advance or you’ll scare the shit out of them.  Only the Obama Administration and a bunch of liberals don’t really think 9-11 happened and that there’s no war on terror,” said Barfy the Dog, a short haired terrier who doubles as a U.S. defense contractor and an anti-neuter activist.  “I may only be a small insignificant animal but I used to be named Sparky until the Democrats took control of both the White House and Congress.  Now I’ve been renamed Barfy to reflect the gastrointestinal problems I’ve acquired as a result of the last series of U.S. elections.  Things really aren’t all that bad in the world, what with continued advancement of science and medicine.  But governments are going backwards into socialism and cronyism.  I wouldn’t care if it wasn’t also happening in the U.S.  The greatest nation to appear on earth for the “common man” with more freedom and opportunity is being tossed aside for a system of socialism that has a proven record of failure.  As long as I get my chow and a few doggy treats I’m fine with any form of government, but it’s not that way for humans.  The many end up carrying the few on their backs.  And unemployment, inflation and unhappiness are the results.  Silly human masters.  It’s a sad state of affairs when even the pets know better.”

Someone named Ziggy

Someone named Ziggy

Not everyone agrees with Barfy the Dog.  “Clip that dog now and don’t let him procreate and spread either his genes or ideas to others!  We don’t need that kind of anti liberal-socialist-Democrat rhetoric bandied about by either humans, plants or animals,” said Ziggy Perlman-Nazi-McConnell, an environmentalist and theoretician, whose family heritage keeps him in conflict with himself most of the time, but whose belief system keeps him in lock step with the Obama administration.  “All media and mediums should be reporting every word from the mouth of Barry, the great messiah president.  His teleprompter-inspired talks placate the masses and help us all find oneness in the confusing morass where conservatives continue to raise inconvenient truths about over spending, hyper inflation and Islamofascist risk.  Real freedom loving Americans will want to prosecute government officials and both the military and intelligence communities for keeping the country safe since 9-11, and will want to ban all weapons, anti-liberal verbiage, and pass laws that neuter pets and Republicans.  I may only be one genius among the many Obamanomists whose intellect is so staggering that it is considered pure idiocy by ordinary hard working Americans, but my voice rings out like a wooden spoon hitting a big crock, to be respected and applauded by everyone.  And if it’s not, well, naturally we’ll marginalize them and cut off their nuts.  Sometimes we have to resort to that kind of thing so we can achieve true bipartisanship.”

FOXAssociated Press reported that Fox became the first broadcast network to turn down a request by President Barack Obama for time, opting to show its drama “Lie to Me” on Wednesday instead of the president’s prime-time news conference [note: some report that the president’s speech has a theme similar to the Fox drama]. Fox will direct viewers interested in the news conference to Fox News Channel and the Fox Business Network, which will both carry it. ABC, CBS, NBC, CNN, MSNBC and CNBC are all carrying the 8 p.m. EDT event, on Obama’s 100th day in office. This will be Obama’s third prime-time news conference as president, a schedule that has caused some private grumbling among network executives. Carrying a news conference costs the four broadcast networks an estimated $10 million-plus in lost advertising revenue. Executives at Fox, owned by News Corp., would not comment on the decision. It’s not without precedent for the network; Fox didn’t carry a prime-time speech by President George W. Bush in November 2001 despite a request from the White House. An executive at one of the three other broadcasters, who asked for anonymity because the conversations were private, said that network’s executives had expressed concern to the White House about the frequency of prime-time news conferences and the financial sacrifice they were making in carrying the event. The executive said it was hoped the administration would show more flexibility in working with networks to find the best times to schedule the events.

Surprise!

Surprise!

The New York Times reported that a photo opportunity, showcasing Air Force One alongside the sweep of the New York City skyline, instead caused panic in New York City.  As the low-flying Boeing 747 speeded in the shadows of skyscrapers, trailed by two fighter jets, the sight awakened barely dormant fears of a terrorist attack, causing a momentary panic that sent workers pouring out of buildings on both sides of the Hudson River. “I thought there was some kind of an attack,” said Paul Nadler, who sprinted down more than 20 flights of stairs after watching the plane from his office in Jersey City shortly after 10 a.m. “We ran like hell.” In fact, the blue and white plane with “The United States of America” emblazoned on its side was one of two regularly used by the president. It was soaring above Lower Manhattan, Staten Island and Jersey City so government photographers could take pictures near the Statue of Liberty for publicity purposes. Witnesses described the engine roar as the planes swooped by office towers close enough to rattle the windows and prompt evacuations at scores of buildings. Some sobbed as they made their way to the street.

Flashback

Flashback

“As soon as someone saw how close it got to the buildings, people literally ran out,” said Carlina Rivera, 25, who works at an educational services company on the 22nd floor of 1 Liberty Plaza, adjacent to the site of the Sept. 11, 2001, attack. “Probably about 80 percent of my office left within two minutes of seeing how close it got to our building.” Under federal regulations, in urban areas, airplanes must fly at least 1,000 feet above obstructions like buildings and bridges, and jetliner flights over Manhattan are typically at 8,000 feet or more. And planes do not typically approach local airports by flying low over the harbor. White House and City Hall officials later said that notice of the flight had gone to the director of the city’s event coordination and management office, which handles permits for events like block parties, street fairs and parades. The director, Marc Mugnos, was formally reprimanded for failing to notify his superiors, said a senior city official, who was given anonymity because this was a personnel matter. As the uproar reached Washington, dozens of officials at the White House, the Pentagon and the Department of Transportation rushed to find out who had authorized the flyover. The White House did not issue a statement, or a formal apology, for more than six hours. At first, the White House press secretary, Robert Gibbs, dismissed questions, saying: “You might be surprised to know I don’t know of every movement of Air Force One or what happens to it.” Neither the White House nor the F.A.A. explained why the mission was deemed a secret, even though officials conceded the primary purpose was picture taking.   
 

Israeli Security, Kill or Be Killed

Israeli Security, Kill or Be Killed

Fox News reported that an Italian cruise ship with 1,500 people on board fended off a pirate attack far off the coast of Somalia when its Israeli private security forces exchanged fire with the bandits and drove them away, the commander said Sunday. Cmdr. Ciro Pinto told Italian state radio that six men in a small white speed boat approached the Msc Melody and opened fire Saturday night, but retreated after the Israeli security officers aboard the cruise ship returned fire. None of the roughly 1,000 passengers and 500 crew members were hurt, Melody owner Msc Cruises said in a statement issued by its German branch. Domenico Pellegrino, head of the Italian cruise line, said Msc Cruises hired the Israelis because they were the best trained security agents, the ANSA news agency reported. Civilian shipping and passenger ships have generally avoided arming crewmen or hiring armed security for reasons of safety, liability and compliance with the rules of the different countries where they dock. Cruise line security work is a popular job for young Israelis who have recently been discharged from mandatory army service, as it is a good chance to save money and travel.

Some people say that saving money, traveling and shooting Muslim terrorists is the stuff that dreams are made of.

Someone named Kendra

Someone named Kendra

“If you have to live in a world dominated by pacifists and pirates, getting work in the military or on cruise ships where you can carry weapons and shoot assholes, is like mother’s milk, apple pie and safe sex — for people who are into those things,” said Kendra Strongg-Bod, an ex-Marine and current food safety expert at the Plausible-Contact Strip-Club and Health-Food Store.  “We’re living in an era where there are so many baddies needing to be capped and so few people willing to do it, or allow it to be done, that for those of us who have had the opportunity, it’s like a gift from heaven.  And not only that, we get to send the bastards straight to hell.  It’s as close to a religious experience that I’ve ever had; except for a couple times with this guy I’m seeing.  But that’s a different story.”
 
In other news, U.S. News and World Report reported Tuesday that President Obama urged Americans on Monday to remain calm as the number of US cases of swine flu more than doubled and the World Health Organization raised its pandemic threat level. The President said, “This is obviously a cause for concern and requires a heightened state of alert. But it’s not a cause for alarm.”  Reportedly this was also his reaction to Air Force One diving on the City of New York, the recent pirate hijackings by Somali Muslims, the leaping U.S. deficit now predicted to pass 10 trillion dollars, Al Qaeda and the Taliban nearing control of Pakistan, and his dog Bo crapping on the Oval Office carpeting.  Some TV networks say they’ll just play the clip over-and-over in between commercials during regular programming, to assure American’s that the administration has everything under control.  No word on how PETA feels about it, but who really cares what they think?

© 2009 InebriatedPress.com
 

Related articles:
 
Fox sticking with schedule instead of Obama
http://www.google.com/hostednews/ap/article/ALeqM5jK435kY7g9upVs4XUPjiQFmets6wD97R32700
 
U.S. Jet Frightens New York in Photo-Op Gone Wrong
http://www.nytimes.com/2009/04/28/nyregion/28plane.html?ref=nyregion
 
Italian Cruise Ship Fires on Somali Pirates
http://www.foxnews.com/story/0,2933,517955,00.html
 
U.S. swine flu case numbers rise, more expected
http://uk.reuters.com/article/usTopNews/idUKTRE53P1TK20090428

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