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Hearse Driver Breaks for Beer, “Pulling Out” Rivals Condoms, and Teacher Writes Book about Sex with Students

> Family waits at Cemetery while Hearse Driver Buys Beer
> Study: “Pulling Out” nearly as Effective as Condoms
> Woman teacher writes book describing sexual encounters with ‘favorite’ students

Inebriated Press
June 1, 2009

Beer, the sirens song

Beer, the sirens song

United Press International (UPI) reported Wednesday that the hearse driver for a funeral home stopped for a beer and failed to deliver a body to the cemetery while the family waited.  And CBS News reported Thursday that a new study claims withdrawal before ejaculation during intercourse, is nearly as effective at preventing pregnancy as condoms.  Meanwhile, Fox News reported Wednesday that a British teacher has been fired for publishing a novel describing sexual encounters with some of her students.  Pundits are debating the ethical risks and rewards of beer, condoms, and sex with children.

kareliya“There’s really nothing inherently wrong with teachers having sex with their students as long as the boys pull out soon enough and both the adult and child have been drinking heavily,” said some twisted bastard who will remain unnamed because she is likely to be nominated to the Supreme Court in the future.  “In a society where the random thoughts of a Hispanic woman trumps rule of law, white men and the U.S. Constitution, any freaking thing goes, and that’s how it should be.  Relative ethics, relative law, and sex with relatives and children are all fine.  There are no inherent rights or wrongs, it’s all up to whoever is in power to decide what’s good and bad, who’s happy or sad, who gives up most of their income and the slackers that it should be given to.  As far as the hearse driver who stopped for beer, let’s face it, it’s every person’s right to have beer. So what if the family waited in the cemetery wondering where the body of their loved one went.  The body was dead anyway so it didn’t care, and the family probably had nothing better to do than hang out.  If they’d been smart they’d have been someplace else slamming beer and having pullout sex.  Hope and change baby.  Let’s get with it.”

Someone named Lana

Someone named Lana

Not everyone agrees with the twisted bastard who discards morality and the Constitution, and will probably be on the Supreme Court defining both someday.  “Stopping off to buy beer when you should be delivering the body of a loved one to the family waiting at a cemetery is tasteless and rude — and I’m using kind words.  Go buy beer on your own time, after you’ve done your job.  And the idea that ethics are so relative and random that it’s okay for teachers to have sex with students and write books about it; or to promote the idea that not using condoms is no more risky than using them, is stupid, in addition to being wrong,” said Lana Ethical-Abbs, an account executive whose body and ethics are both lean, strong and attractive to many.  “Fire and then prosecute the teacher for illegal sexual contact with minors, fire the hearse driver and apologize to that poor family, then cut in-half the fee the mortuary was charging them; and then ignore the ridiculous ‘no-condoms are just as good as condoms’ study.  We need common sense and proper application of law, safe sex and beer acquisition.  It doesn’t seem that complicated to me.  But then, Obama just nominated a person to the Supreme Court who disagrees with the very Constitution she’ll be sworn to defend and correctly interpret, so I guess common sense isn’t in vogue anymore.  Liberal empathy is supposed to rule today.  Trouble is it’s funded by conservative taxpayer dollars and the erosion of both the rule of law and economic sustainability.  In the end it amounts to nothingness, the foundation is gone; it’s like ‘building ones house upon the sand’.  A family, society or a country can’t stay strong very long that way.”

HearseUPI reported that the hearse driver for a Bogota funeral home stopped for a beer and failed to deliver a body to the cemetery while the family waited, police said. The Latin American Herald Tribune reported Wednesday that relatives and friends of Tito Vasquez waited for several hours Sunday at the Campos de Cristo cemetery for the hearse to arrive so that they could bury their loved one. Vasquez’s family said they could not understand why his body was not being delivered for the funeral. Police said Vasquez’s body was eventually found in the hearse in the parking lot of a motel in Bogota’s San Bernardo neighborhood.

Jettison delivery! Bail! Bail!

Jettison delivery! Bail! Bail!

CBS News reported that most sexually active people don’t think that the pullout method is a very effective form of contraception, but according to a new study withdrawal before ejaculation during intercourse, is more than just “better than nothing,” and is nearly as effective at preventing pregnancy as condoms. The study, titled “Better than nothing or savvy risk reduction practice? The importance of withdrawal,” appears in the June edition of the journal Contraception. The authors found: “If the male partner withdraws before ejaculation every time a couple has vaginal intercourse, about 4% of couples will become pregnant over the course of a year. However, more realistic estimates of typical use indicate that about 18% of couples will become pregnant in a year using withdrawal. These rates are only slightly less effective than male condoms, which have perfect- and typical-use failure rates of 2% and 17%, respectively.”

Teacher and "favorite"

Teacher and "favorite"

Fox News reported that a British teacher reportedly has been fired for publishing a novel describing sexual encounters with some of her students. The fictional work “Stop! Don’t Read This” focuses on five of Leonora Rustamova’s “favorite” students at Calder High School and addresses the 39-year-old’s growing struggle to view her students as “kids.” She also writes about her tendency to flirt with students and allow them to flirt with and fantasize about her, according to the Daily Telegraph. In addition, the expletive-filled book featured stories of students drinking, skipping school and possibly using drugs. It also named other faculty members, including the school’s headmaster Stephen Ball, the Daily Telegraph reported. When she was suspended in January over the book’s release, more than 250 students and parents demonstrated in support of Rustamova, saying she was only try to encourage the students to read, the Telegraph reported. The school announced on Wednesday that she had been terminated following a disciplinary hearing into her conduct.

Some people say the teacher was simply using the same approach as Playboy’s Hugh Hefner because just at most men buy his porn magazine for the articles, most students are more interested in literature than sex.  A few others are just interested in silly old-fashioned writing and pre-Obama ideals.

Boring traditional American guy

Boring traditional American guy

“Give me a dusty old copy of Shakespeare over a glossy new Maxim any day, I’m way more into cryptic hard-to-read classic bullshit than some hot easy-to-see-through babe busting out of her clothes all over the place,” said some guy busting out of his clothes all over the place and probably lying like hell.  “Today’s ‘new’ trends like teacher-student sex, leaving people rot while you buy beer, and pullout contraception, are pathetic jokes.  Give me a gal with old-fashioned common sense, an in-shape body that will sustain her health in the long run, some old-school Trojans for that ‘just-in-case’ moment, and a couple Jack Daniels on-the-rocks after work.  That may sound boring as hell to some anti-Constitutional relativist who’d rather bang some school children, but my way built America and sustains it today.  It’ll continue sustaining it if the voters will pull their heads out of their asses long enough to elect some leaders who believe in limited government, lower taxes and a free market economy.  It’s time to get our shit together and get back to boring old traditional-American values.  The pretty boy in the White House isn’t doing us any favors.  Believe me.”

no-parkingIn other news, Florida’s St. Petersburg Times reported that Tarpon Springs police blame a local developer for installing fake “no parking” signs around a popular city restaurant that resulted in 233 tickets being written in a two-year span. At the same time, acting police Chief Robert Kochen acknowledged his department’s failure to properly handle the matter. In a 23-page report released this week, Kochen said developer Mike Bronson admitted recently to installing the signs along the city’s right of way after initially denying it. The report says criminal charges against Bronson would not be feasible at this time, but makes no mention of other possible penalties. Kochen said:” The Police Department’s patrol officers were doing their job and they had no reason (at the time) to believe any of these signs may have been unauthorized by the city.”  No word on how the police feel about hearse drivers buying beer instead of delivering bodies, or underage teacher-student sex, but since they were faked out by pretend no-parking signs it’s a good bet that they’re probably also faked out by the “benefits” of no-condom contraception.  But I could be wrong.  It seems that after two-years and a 23-page report they eventually figure shit out.

(C) 2009 InebriatedPress.com

Source articles:

Hearse driver stops for beer
http://www.upi.com/Odd_News/2009/05/27/Hearse-driver-stops-for-beer/UPI-85171243471695/

“Pulling Out” Rivals Condoms, Study Says
http://www.cbsnews.com/stories/2009/05/28/health/main5045514.shtml

Better than nothing or savvy risk-reduction practice? The importance of withdrawal
http://www.guttmacher.org/pubs/journals/reprints/Contraception79-407-410.pdf

Report: British Teacher Fired for Writing Racy Novel About Her ‘Favorite’ Students
http://www.foxnews.com/story/0,2933,522407,00.html

Teacher sacked over racy novel that named students
http://www.telegraph.co.uk/education/educationnews/5393597/Teacher-sacked-over-racy-novel-that-named-students.html

Fake ‘no parking’ signs fool Tarpon Springs police, who write 233 tickets near Tarpon Turtle restaurant
http://www.tampabay.com/news/localgovernment/article1005017.ece

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Better beer through DNA mapping

Cheers! Yeast gene map could mean better beer

By Michael Kahn
Reuters
Feb 11, 2009

mmm DNA

mmm DNA

LONDON (Reuters) – Researchers have mapped the DNA of dozens of strains of yeast used for brewing, baking and biofuels, something they said Wednesday will help map the human genome and could lead to better-tasting beer and wine.

This means brewers can pick the best strains to make beer with more flavour or perhaps help vintners bottle wine that lasts longer after opening, Ed Louis of the University of Nottingham in Britain and colleagues reported in the journal Nature.

“We now have a view of the variation across the entire species, which will allow us to make better combinations for better uses of things like beer and wine,” Louis said in a telephone interview.

“I’m going to be using it to create better strains for biofuel production.”

Yeast has long been used as a model for studying cancer, ageing and diseases like Alzheimer’s in humans because many of its genes are similar to ours. It also has as many genetic variations as human DNA, the researchers said.

090219-beer-mug-b-w3The team mapped the genes of more than 70 strains of yeast used around the world for baking bread, brewing beer and making wine. They also looked at wild strains found in oak bark.

Because the genetic map of yeast is much smaller than the human genome, the researchers were able to more quickly and cheaply map all the genetic differences in many different strains, Louis said.

Besides offering ways to improve beer, wine and bread, the maps could provide a model scientists can use to build computer software needed to scan the more complex human genome, Louis said.

090219-st-pauli-girl-posterResearchers across the world are mapping the human genome to look for genes involved in diseases, determine who may be at risk for certain illness and to help design more-tailored drugs.

While scientists have so far sequenced the DNA of a few individuals, the goal is to do so on a much bigger scale to more definitively tie genetic variations to different diseases.

“Now we can build the tools that will help us compare thousands of humans across the genome and all the variants,” Louis said.

(Reporting by Michael Kahn; Editing by Maggie Fox)

news.yahoo.com

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China marries Iran, Saudi’s say 10-year-old girls should marry, and there’s a new St. Pauli Girl for beer drinkers to lust after

> Report: Iran signs oil deal with China
> Saudi cleric: it’s an injustice to NOT marry girls aged 10
> Breaking news: A new St. Pauli Girl has been chosen!

Inebriated Press
January 21, 2009

St. Pauli Girl Van Derham

St. Pauli Girl Van Derham

Breitbart reported last week that Iran and China signed a $2 billion agreement that allows Chinese development of an Iranian oil field. The two countries did a similar deal in December 2007, and despite U.S. concerns, their commitment to one another continues to grow.  And Mail Online reported last week that Saudi Arabia’s most senior cleric said 10-year-old girls are ready for marriage, and people who say they’re too young are being “unfair” to them. Meanwhile, BrandFreak reported last week that German beer company St. Pauli Girl, has selected Slovakian model Katarina Van Derham, to appear as their faux German barmaid in future promotions. The quest for oil, beer and fine women — of all ages — rolls on like the timeless traditions of communist-dictatorships, drinking and underaged sex. 

“There’s no stopping Communists and Islamofascists from hooking up for mutual benefit, or slowing Muslim men from marrying baby girls or blowing themselves or others to bits,” said Misty Mae-Morningside, a barmaid and holder of the ‘2009 Beer Babe’ title down at the Shady Hollow Stripper Bar and Welding Helmet Lounge.  “I don’t know whether it’s in their DNA or part of the Middle Eastern education system, but screwing helpless girls and blowing up innocent women in the marketplace is like a damned tradition over there. The Chinese just need the oil so they don’t give a shit one way or another.  As far as the new Pauli Girl goes, she’s hot, but hasn’t got nothin’ on me.”

Wife to-be of 50-year-old Guy

Wife to-be of 50-year-old Guy

Some people say there are traditions that should end.  “Marrying-off 10-year-old Saudi girls or giving birth control patches to 11-year-old U.S. children at King Middle School in Maine, is as wrong as Communists and Islamofascists working together to strengthen themselves against the free West,” said Mabel Matron-Ironside, a shopkeeper and pro-establishment Virginian, whose only regret in life is that the South didn’t win the U.S. Civil War.  “Just because you call underage marriage a tradition doesn’t make it right, and just because you believe in sexual freedom that doesn’t mean you should slap chemical patches on school children so they avoid pregnancy but inherit a bunch of drug related side-effects.  Doesn’t anyone think through this stuff?  I’m not sure whose fault it is, but I’m guessing it’s those damn Yankees up North.  Son’s of bitches.”

090121_iran_oilBreitbart reported that Iran’s official news agency says the country has signed a $1.76 billion deal with China to develop the North Azadegan oil field in southwestern Iran near the Iraq border. The IRNA report says the deal was signed between the National Iranian Oil Company and the China National Petroleum Corp. Iran’s Oil Minister Gholam Hossein Nozari says the field has an estimated 6 billion barrels of crude oil and will produce 75,000 barrels of oil per day for 25 years. In December 2007, China’s biggest refiner, Sinopec, signed a $2 billion agreement with Iran to develop another Iranian oil field, the Yadavaran. The deals illustrate China’s strong business ties with Iran despite U.S. pressure over the Iranian nuclear program.

Sheikh Abdul-Aziz Al Sheikh

Sheikh Abdul-Aziz Al Sheikh

The UK Mail Online reported that ten-year-old girls are ready for marriage, according to Saudi Arabia’s most senior cleric. Sheikh Abdul-Aziz Al Sheikh, the country’s grand mufti, told Al Hayat newspaper that those saying ten or 12-year-old girls are too young to marry are being ‘unfair’ to them. Al Sheikh’s comments come at a time when Saudi human rights groups have been pushing the government to put an end to marriages involving the very young and to define a minimum age for marriage. In the past few months, Saudi newspapers have highlighted several cases in which young girls were married off to much older men or very young boys.

The report followed a ruling by a court in Oneiza in central Saudi Arabia last month that dismissed a divorce petition by the mother of an eight-year-old girl whose father married her off to a man in his 50s. Newspaper reports said the court argued that the mother did not have the right to file such a case on behalf of her daughter and said that the petition should be filed by the girl when she reaches puberty. There are no statistics to show how many marriages involving children are performed in Saudi Arabia every year.

Van Derham

Van Derham

BrandFreak reported that continuing a 26-year tradition of finding stunning women who look great in German barmaid’s attire to represent its signature beer, St. Pauli Girl has selected Katarina Van Derham as its new bar wench for 2009. The Slovakian model’s selection is unique in that the beer brand partnered with Maxim.com for an online vote. Her bio states: “Van Derham grew up in a small village in the woods of Slovakia, a communist country at the time. She moved to the United States at age 22, without any intention of becoming a model.” Van Derham has already appeared in ad campaigns for AT&T, Dodge and the Rockstar Energy Drink. In regards to her new role as a faux German barmaid, she says, “I am very honored and look forward to meeting St. Pauli Girl fans all over the country.”

Some people say that as long as you have fans you can do whatever you want.

St. Pauli Girl

St. Pauli Girl

“Let’s face it, success is driven by popularity. Iranian President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad is popular with Jew haters, the Chinese are popular with Iran’s government because they need cash and political support, young girls are popular with old men and St. Pauli girl is popular with men of all ages.  It’s popularity that gives you money, power and freedom — unless you’re a Muslim girl of course — then you’re just screwed,” said Strawberry Dackari, a sweet tasting drink that will nonetheless leave you heaving and with a hangover if you imbibe too much.  “I may be nothing more than the figment of your imagination or a combination of alcohol, sugar and fruit, but I know about popularity.  It got an unknown community organizer elected to the most powerful position in the world.  Brand Obama will rule the globe and he can do whatever he wants. I’ll bet St. Pauli Girl is his if he wants her.  I wonder what he really does want … I mean besides power? I suppose time will tell.  It usually does.”

090121-google-apps

St. Google Girl?

In other news, the Cincinnati Enquirer reported last week that in the Cincinnati area, where legend holds that trends come 10 years late, “sexting” arrived well ahead of time. Teens there are taking nude photos of themselves or others, sending them on their cell phones or posting them online. Some teens do it as a joke. For others, it’s the new bold pickup line to get a date. A year ago, a 19-year-old Goshen cheerleading coach was charged and prosecuted for a misdemeanor, contributing to the unruliness of a child, for taking a topless photo of herself and a 15-year-old girl. A Glen Este Middle School boy was taken to juvenile court during the last school year for taking explicit photos of his girlfriend. “It’s ‘Kids Gone Wild,’ with technology being provided by the parents,” according to Jim Brown, school resource officer at Glen Este High School. No word on how Saudi clerics feel about this, but since these incidents involve girls older than 10 and the issue isn’t marriage to 50 year-old men, it’s kind of hard to decide which society the suicide bombers should attack.

(C) 2009 InebriatedPress.com

Source articles:

Report: Iran signs oil deal with China
http://www.breitbart.com/article.php?id=D95N2SAO0&show_article=1

It’s an injustice to NOT marry girls aged 10, says Saudi cleric
http://www.dailymail.co.uk/news/worldnews/article-1115624/Its-injustice-NOT-marry-girls-aged-10-says-Saudi-cleric.html

Important breaking news: A new St. Pauli Girl has been chosen!
http://www.brandfreak.com/2009/01/important-breaking-news-a-new-st-pauli-girl-has-been-chosen.html

Maine Middle School May Drug 11 Year Old Girls with Birth Control Patches
http://www.naturalnews.com/022934.html

Teens bare all on phones
http://news.cincinnati.com/article/20090113/NEWS0102/901130326

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Teacher-Student Sex Legal, Dad Trades Daughter for Beer, and Prison Inmates Get Game Rooms

> Washington court rules teachers can have sex with students
> California dad sells 14-year-old girl for beer, meat and cash
> Report says California felons need gyms, music rooms, crafts and game rooms

Inebriated Press
January 19, 2009

090119-teachThe Seattle Times reported last week that the Washington Court of Appeals has ruled that State law does not bar teachers from having sex with 18-year-old students. And NBC Los Angeles reported last week that a 36-year-old California man was arrested and booked in the Monterey County jail for selling his 14-year-old daughter for $16,000 and 100 cases of beer, along with several cases of meat.  Meanwhile, the San Francisco Chronicle reported last week that a California court-appointed receiver tasked with overhauling the state’s prison health care system has recommended that criminals be provided with aerobics and yoga classes, workout rooms, handball courts, a basketball court, music room, a crafts room, game room and “therapy kitchen”. Pundits are debating whether everyone on the west coast has lost their minds and it’s time to sell it to the Chinese, or whether they should sign on to the new trends and franchise them across America for big money.

“I’ve been fighting for ethics and common sense for the past decade and seems like I’m fighting trends that won’t quit,” said Zesty Perlman, an ethicist and part-time vagrant and electrician.  “And with the downturn in construction it seems like nothing I do pays.  If I could franchise the development of a chain of schools and prisons where teachers and students have sex, prison inmates get ammenaties like high-end condo communities, and I produce an electronic trading platform where parents can market their children in exchange for commodities, I think I can make some serious coin.  I guess it’s time I bail on the no-pay moral effort and cash in on the immoral west coast trade.  I can’t get shit for promoting good behavior, but if I screw up and lose millions in some immoral business play the government will bail me out.  I might as well get with the New America program.  It won Obama the election.”

090119-meatNot everyone agrees with Zesty Perlman.  “Just because part of the country has lost it’s marbles doesn’t mean the rest of us should give up and play the game that they’re playing; besides its wrong for teachers to screw students, and parents to sell children, and criminals to be rewarded for murder, rape and robbery, no matter what California believes,” said Zelda ‘Big Bang’ McGuire, a physicist and part-time hooker, whose nick-name originates from both professions.  “It’s wrong to let teachers pick-up students for sex at any age, because they hold an authority position over them at school and that makes the situation ripe for abuse.  And no person should be sold to another for any reason, no matter how good the meat or beer.  I think criminals should be in a dank cell and served bread and water and that’s it.  Prison should be uncomfortable, not a day spa.  I may think about science and turning tricks most of the time, but I only do it with adults in a free market and a fair trade environment.  Call me backward if you want to, but if this west coast shit is progressive we’re all screwed … and not in a good way.”

090119-montage-debra-lafaveThe Seattle Times reported that state law does not bar teachers from having sex with 18-year-old students. That’s the decision of a three-judge panel of the Washington Court of Appeals, which ordered the dismissal of a case brought against Hoquiam High School’s former choir teacher. The teacher, Matthew Hirschfelder, was charged with first-degree sexual misconduct with a minor. He challenged a judge’s refusal to dismiss his case. The appeals court unanimously agreed that the state law is vague, and that the state Legislature only intended to forbid sexual contact between school employees and students who are 16 or 17. Hirschfelder was 33 in 2006, at the time of the alleged relationship with the young woman. He resigned the next year.

Marketable 14-year-old?

Marketable 14-year-old?

NBC Los Angeles reported that Greenfield, Calif., police said Marcelino de Jesus Martinez, 36, was arrested and booked in the Monterey County jail after selling his daughter for marriage and then calling police to complain that her buyer had not paid off his debt. Martinez arranged for his 14-year-old daughter to marry Margarito de Jesus Galindo, 18, for $16,000 and 100 cases of beer, along with several cases of meat and other items. After the girl moved in with Galindo, Martinez called police to complain that he hadn’t been paid. Police said he asked for their help getting his daughter back. Martinez’s daughter did return home, but he was arrested and booked on suspicion of bartering her –– “receiving money for causing person to cohabitate.” Galindo, the intended buyer/groom, was booked on suspicion of statutory rape, police said.

The San Francisco Chronicle reported that aerobics and yoga classes, workout rooms and open-air courtyards were just a few of the amenities recommended for California’s hospitalized felons in a draft report for the court-appointed receiver tasked with overhauling the state’s prison health care system. The recommendations called on the cash-starved state to spend $8 billion on seven new hospitals – each roughly the size of 10 Wal-Mart stores – to replace a decrepit health care system. The draft report, posted on Clark Kelso, the court appointed receiver’s Web site, said the new hospitals’ environment “should be ‘holistic’ in expression.”

Wellness Center

Wellness Center

The report also suggested that the new prison hospitals include: Workout rooms to “promote wellness,” featuring exercise machines and space for “therapeutic activities such as aerobics, yoga, (and) group exercise.” Plus handball courts, gymnasiums with a basketball court and a music room, a crafts room, game room and therapy kitchen. Also, outdoor courtyards “where patients will be encouraged to participate in recreational therapy programs such as horticulture.” And outdoor running tracks. The report also said there should be day rooms for patients featuring a “quiet room for reading and study, as well as a separate room for group TV watching.”

Some people say that the criminal element deserves a better life-style than hard working tax-payers because they are more clever.

“Taxpayers are morons and don’t deserve good lives because they’re like sheep that just go along with whatever the polticians and the churches tell them; they deserve nothing,” said a professional criminal who requested that his name not be published out of fear that someone may give him what he really deserves rather than what the State of California wants to provide for him.  “As a career criminal I’ve worked hard to be creative and take whatever I wanted and I’ve fought against the ‘greater good’ of politicians and religious leaders who lack a clear view of the value of self-centeredness.  It’s people who only care about themselves who really built civilization — heros like Hitler and Stalin.  Only futurists like Iranian President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad really understand this.”

090119-beer-runnerIn other news, The Saint Petersburg Times reported that a new service called The Beer Runners’ started in Florida when founders were too drunk to drive but wanted more beer. The Beer Runners’ concept is simple. You give them a call, they take your order — $20 minimum — and if you’re within 3 miles of the store, the delivery charge is $5, or 65 cents per mile after that. Their prices are typical — $4.25 for a pack of Marlboros, $5.91 for a six-pack of Miller Lite.  Business has trickled in, they’ve had about a dozen or so orders so far and plenty of curious passers-by and job seekers. “We’ve had more applications [for jobs] than we’ve had delivery orders,” said Rhoda Matrisciano, 40, a teacher at Montessori Prep Academy in Temple Terrace, and one of the services founders. No word on whether Matrisciano has been having sex with her students or plans to trade her kids for commodities, but at least she isn’t driving drunk, so she’s got that going for her.

(C) 2009 InebriatedPress.com

Source articles:

Appellate court rules teachers can have sex with 18-year-old students
http://seattletimes.nwsource.com/html/localnews/2008622962_studentsex13m.html

Dad Sells Girl, Calls Cops to Complain He Wasn’t Paid
http://www.nbclosangeles.com/news/weird/Dad-Sells-Girl-Calls-Cops-to-Complain-He-Wasnt-Paid.html

Plush hospitals for state’s felons
http://www.sfgate.com/cgi-bin/article.cgi?f=/c/a/2009/01/11/BAN9156U9N.DTL&tsp=1

Pasco beer delivery service gets rolling
http://www.tampabay.com/news/humaninterest/article966468.ece

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National Holiday for Obama, ‘Bonk’ Billboards, and Radioactive Beer Kegs

Supporters in Kansas rally for a National Holiday to Honor Obama
Erectile dysfunction treatment billboards say “Bonk longer!”
Recycled radioactive materials get into beer kegs, purses, and hand tools

Inebriated Press
November 14, 2008

Light-bringer of Redistribution

Light-bringer of Redistribution

The Boston Herald reported Tuesday that Barack Obama supporters in Kansas are organizing “Yes We Can” rallies to “secure a national holiday in Obama’s honor.”  Meanwhile NineMSN-Australia reported on Monday, a company that had its erectile dysfunction treatment billboards banned due to complaints over the “Do you want longer lasting sex?” slogan, has replaced them with a new slogan: “Bonk Longer!”.  And Bloomberg informed the world Tuesday, that recycled metals from India and China containing radioactive materials, are finding their way into products shipped to the U.S.; among them are purses, cutlery, hand tools and even beer kegs. Pundits debate celebrating untested politicians who have recycled socialist ideas that may be radioactive to the economy, and ponder the benefits of glow-in-the dark beer, and road signs that talk Bonk.

“In a world where perception is reality, and a well conceived and managed public relations and marketing campaign can change perception over-night, it makes sense that our country would declare a national holiday for a man who has yet to finish his first term in the US Senate and whose major accomplishment to-date has been to get himself elected president. Because our perception is now different, reality has changed — just like Barack said it would — we have hopes and dreams and that means we already have change.  We should get some radioactive beer and start handing out erectile dysfunction tablets and party on!” exclaimed a mental giant who works part-time at the 7-Eleven, and contemplates income redistribution the way some men do bonking.  “When Barack’s in office I won’t have to worry about my house payment or buying gas for my car or who’s going to pay for my Viagra.  He’s going to make sure that I get everything I want.  When I think about that, I get Chris Matthew sized tingles that go right up my spine and I almost don’t even need med’s to get it on.  Zowie!”

“Yes We Can”

“Yes We Can”

Not everyone is climbing onto the Obama National Holiday train or eyeing financial advancement through income redistribution.  “I’ve been busting my ass running my lawn and garden shop for fifteen years.  I started with nothing, borrowed the money to get going, worked like a slave and today I’m modestly successful, and now Obama plans to take half my income and give it unconditionally to others.  Why would I celebrate a national holiday to honor someone who promises to do that?” asked Hapless Voter, a biped who apparently evolved into an honest hard working citizen, but for reasons unknown didn’t evolve a liberal mindset allowing him to be happy when the government takes his stuff indiscriminately.  “I already pay high taxes, I give over 10% of my income to charity, and volunteer my time to several civic groups and my church.  If the government forcibly takes my money, I’ll have less of it for discretionary giving.  The government is removing my choice, taking the sweat of my brow to do with it whatever it wants, because Obama says a politician’s choices are better than mine.  Explain to me why he’s right and I’m wrong?  I haven’t drunk enough radioactive beer to think that makes any sense.”

The Boston Herald reported that some Obama supporters in Kansas are organizing “Yes We Can” rallies to “secure a national holiday in Obama’s honor,” according to the Topeka Capitol-Journal. They also plan to serve “Obama cake” at the local McDonald’s during the swearing-in. Obama fans have fainted at his campaign events. Harvard academics want George Bush and Dick Cheney to resign immediately. His transition team co-chair told Tom Brokaw she wants President-elect Obama ready “to take power and begin to rule day one.” Was this a presidential election, or a regime change?  The article went on to say, Obama could only muster 52.6 percent of the vote, even after the Wall Street meltdown and outspending John McCain by $100 million in the last weeks of the campaign. The author wrote it was a solid win, but hardly historic.

The Boston Herald writer went on to say even his mother-in-law, smitten with Obama fever said, “This was more than an election, Obama’s going to change things. Really change things.”  He said she could be right. Obama could be a transformational figure, a transcendent being, perhaps even (as his most fervent followers believe) a “light-bringer” who will change the entire world. What we do know is that Obama is a politician. He’s been one since at least 1996, when he knocked his own mentor off the ballot and took her state Senate seat. He’s a politician who voted “present” 130 times rather than vote “yes” or “no” on tough issues. He’s a politician who made Siamese twins of Bush and McCain, two pols at odds for eight years. And you know what President-elect Obama is going to do? Act like a politician, of course.

NineMSN-Australia reported that Advanced Medical Institute’s latest billboard has “Bonk longer!” written in big red letters, a response to the censoring of their similar-looking “Want longer lasting sex?” posters that were outlawed by the Advertising Standards Bureau in August. Despite prompting over 220 complaints from their original campaign, the AMI believes the new promotion will be more acceptable. “I think that people who understand the word ‘bonk’ understand it, and the ones who don’t, don’t,” said AMI spokesman Dr Chris Fenton. About 50 percent of men suffer some form of erectile problem, the AMI says. Currently, only 11 percent seek treatment. The company’s primary product, a drug delivered by nasal spray, costs at least $50 per week.
  

The best beer glows

The best beer glows

Bloomberg reported that improper disposal of industrial equipment and medical scanners containing radioactive materials is letting nuclear waste trickle into scrap smelters, contaminating consumer goods, threatening the $140 billion trade in recycled metal and spurring the United Nations to call for increased screening. Last year, U.S. Customs rejected 64 shipments of radioactive goods at the nation’s ports, including purses, cutlery, sinks and hand tools, according to data released by the Department of Homeland Security in response to a Freedom of Information Act request. India was the largest source, followed by China.

Bloomberg said that abandoned medical scanners, food processing devices and mining equipment containing radioactive metals such as cesium-137 and cobalt-60 are often picked up by scrap collectors and sold to recyclers, according to the International Atomic Energy Agency, the UN’s nuclear arm. Paul de Bruin, radiation safety chief for Jewometaal Stainless Processing BV in Rotterdam, the world’s biggest stainless-steel scrap yard said he sometimes finds such items hidden inside beer kegs and lead pipes to prevent detection. “Because of high scrap prices, any little piece is being sold for recycling,” said Martin Magold, who led a Geneva-based UN team that tracked radioactive metal shipments in Europe. “Alarms will go up dramatically in coming years.”

Some say a little radioactive redistribution is good for everybody.  “What doesn’t kill you makes you stronger,” said Bertha Bigg-Bright, a self-proclaimed WWE wrestler, who says she’s secretly most women and sometimes simultaneously.  “Income redistribution, radioactive waste redistribution, putting Viagra in the water supply, all of these are progressive ideals that’ll have people earning the same income whether they work or not, and humping a lot while glowing in the dark.  We’ll use less energy for lights when we glow, and not have to get prescriptions for sex med’s when they’re in the water.  We’re headed for a new age and I can’t wait.  We should declare a national holiday and get this ball rolling. Let the “light-bringer” brother lead us on! Halleluiah!”

In other news, Australia’s Herald Sun reported Tuesday that Michael Eglington, 53, went to Royal Darwin Hospital last Tuesday to have a wart removed from the base of his penis and says he could have died after an operation left him bleeding heavily and turned his penis black. He was released from the hospital but collapsed from blood loss as he rushed back to the hospital less than an hour after being discharged. The internal bleeding caused his penis and testicles to turn black – and his testicles swelled to more than three times their normal size. “I started feeling a bit warm about the groin,” he said. He said he looked down to see that he was sitting in “an inch of blood” in the chair. He used a nappy to soak up the blood as he drove back to hospital where he collapsed against the emergency counter. Royal Darwin spokeswoman Michelle Foster said the hospital would not comment until an investigation into the incident was complete. No word on whether the hospital offered him radioactive beer or erectile dysfunction med’s but sources claim they have no national holidays planned to celebrate the event.

(C) 2008 InebriatedPress.com

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