Tag Archives: beyonce

Holy Shit! Obama Nails Queen Liz

> Michelle slaps Queen on Back
> Barack Nails Her Ass
> U.S. Surrenders to Russia

Inebriated Press Tabloid Division
April 7, 2009

Moments before sling-shot incident

Moments before sling-shot incident

Inebriated reporters climbing out of a dumpster behind a British pub after a night of heavy investigative journalism, have reported that U.S. President Obama and Queen Elizabeth went at it “hot and heavy” the evening before the G-20 meeting.  Earlier in the day First Lady Michelle slapped the Queen on her back hard enough to loosen her bra, and Russian President Dmitry Medvedev told reporters that Obama is willing to concede world power to peacenik Vladimir Putin and some old Soviets.  There has been some dispute over the Inebriated report.

Someone named Jane

Someone named Jane

“While there is some truth to the news that First Lady Michelle Obama slapped the Queen on her back causing her bra to slingshot across the room and out a side window, there is no truth to the story that the Queen and Barack had sexual intercourse in an effort to ‘firm up’ US-UK relations,” said Jane Fireside-Charcoal, a British public relations official and smoldering hot blonde.  “There have been reports by Royal sources of an internal nature suggesting a very cordial meeting held privately between the U.S. President and The Queen, but any suggestion that there were carnal activities of some nature is grossly misstated.  And comments related to blow jobs is strictly denied at the highest levels of government.”

Insiders claim otherwise.  “The removal of the Queens bra may have been accidental, but the ‘quality time’ that Barack spent with Liz involved more than a fire-side chat,” said Nasal Sinus-Stuart, of the Sinus-Stuart Clan and Handholding Enclave for Maidens and Hooligans.  “Servants said they heard a lot of moaning and groaning from behind the locked doors during the private meeting, and reports of chauffeurs outside hearing the Queen shout ‘they were right about you people, look at the size of that thing,’ tends to lend credence to the stories.  Now on the topic of American surrender to the Russians, I can’t say, such talk would be mere speculation.”

Another gratuitous Jane Pic

Another gratuitous Jane Pic

Media reported last week that President Obama spent the day of April 1st in a whirlwind of activity in London prior to the official start of the G20 meeting.  He had dinner with G20 nations’ leaders, held a joint press conference with Prime Minister Gordon Brown, met Queen Elizabeth II and Prince Philip, met with Russian’s President, Dmitry Medvedev, met with Chinese President Hu Jintao as well as with David Cameron, leader of the Conservative party in Britain.  It took until this week for reports of secret meetings to reveal that Obama had negotiated a formal surrender to the Russians and banged the old Queen.

The Obama administration and British officials continue to deny the secret activities ever took place.

Beyonce

Beyonce

“Come on lets face it, Barack is busy surrendering to the Iranians not the Russians, and he can have a piece of Beyonce’ ass anytime he wants it, why screw with an old woman just because she’s queen,” said White House spokesman Robert Gibbs, while chewing the side of his face and accidentally spitting blood on reporters.  “You people make me sick with all of your fake stories and stupid tabloid ‘revelations’.  The next thing you’re probably going to report is that Secret Service couldn’t find the Queens bra outside in the bushes when it shot out the window.  Well they didn’t.  MI5 found it. Ha!”

(C) 2009 InebriatedPress.com

Some barely related source articles:

G20 Summit Eve: Obama met with Queen and Presidents of Russia, China
http://www.examiner.com/x-5890-Obama-Administration-Examiner~y2009m4d2-G20-Summit-Eve-Obama-met-with-Queen-and-Presidents-of-Russia-China

Michelle Obama Places Hand on The Queen. World Almost Ends.
http://www.nypress.com/blog-3807-michelle-obama-places-hand-on-the-queen-world-almost-ends.html

U.S.- Russian Nuclear Talks Reject Past Leaders’ Policies, Officials Say
http://www.globalsecuritynewswire.org/gsn/nw_20090402_2551.php

President Obama loves Beyonce, ‘SNL’
http://popwatch.ew.com/popwatch/2009/01/obama-beyonce-j.html

Beyonce ‘a model for Obama girls’
http://www.google.com/hostednews/ukpress/article/ALeqM5iQvlE9n67hnmRNIshQCd3dzhFceg

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Obama collectable flips off America, Beyonce to play JFK’s Marilyn Monroe to Barack; and Seattle man tries to sacrifice girlfriend

> Obama Coffee Cup Raises More Than Questions
> Beyonce and Barack hot for each other, Michelle issues threat
> Charges filed in man’s attempted ‘sacrifice’

Inebriated Press
February 2, 2009

Finger of Leadership

Finger of Leadership

The Denver Channel reported last week that a commemorative coffee cup sold by 7-Eleven shows the new president and a group of supporters with a hand in the background extending a middle finger.  And HipHop Crunch reported last week that Michelle Obama has threatened to ban Beyonce from the White House after learning that Barack is ga-ga for her and she caught Beyonce flirting with him during an inauguration dance.  Meanwhile, a Seattle man has been arrested for attempting to slit his girlfriends throat and sacrifice her on an alter he set up in their apartment.  Pundits are debating the nature of sex and presidential power, and the things we do for love.

Marilyn 2.0

Marilyn 2.0

“I’ll sacrifice that bitch if I catch Beyonce f***ing around with my man and pretending she’s Marilyn Monroe to JFK in this White House,” said someone claiming to be Michelle Obama, as she sat sharpening a Bowie Knife on the back of her hand, and accidentally starting a sofa on fire with her glare.  “We’re here, we got power and we’re going to live like royalty and change America into what we want.  And there’s no woman coming in here singing birthday songs and getting a piece of Barack’s ass they way Monroe did with Kennedy.  We may be bringing liberal politics back to this House, but we’re not bringing the backroom sex games.  I’ll bust both their asses with my bare hands if I catch them; don’t you doubt me now.”

Not everyone is worried about sex in the White House.  “Barack is president and he can flip-off whomever he wants and take whatever piece of ass he feels like – he’s the Man baby, he’s the Man,” said a passing troll with lint in his pockets and probably his brain.  “Once you got the power you do what you want and you remind people you got it.  That’s why Barack told the Republicans’ to remember that he won the damn election, and they’d better not forget it.  Michelle is his woman and if he wants some on the side, he’s free to get it.  ‘Celle better fall in line or she’ll be on the outside looking in.  Her name’s not got ‘president’ in front of it.  Who’s the bitch here anyway?”

090202-finger-of-711The Denver Channel reported that a commemorative coffee cup sold by 7-Eleven features a photo of the new president, the White House, and a group of supporters. In the background, among some upraised hands on the cup, is a hand displaying the middle finger.  Wayne Harrison the Senior Web Editor said they went to 7-Eleven and bought a cup, so they could study it. While there, they asked four customers what they thought. All four said it was definitely the middle finger. An informal poll around the newsroom resulted in a more mixed response. Some said it was middle finger, several others said it was the index finger, and a few said it could be either one.

Michelle waives one finger?

Michelle waives one finger?

HipHop Crunch reported that first Lady Michelle Obama has a message for Beyonce: You Shoulda Put A Ring On It–Step Off My Man! According to a scoop featured in the February 9 issue of The National Enquirer, Mrs. Obama recently threatened to have Beyonce Knowles-Carter banned from The White House after picking up on some quiet flirtation between the singer and President Barack Obama during the inauguration. “Beyonce has spent months gushing over President Obama,” says an Enquirer snitch, “And when she was in the same room with him, she couldn’t tear her eyes away from him.” Tabloid spies believe Beyonce may have a crush on the Commander-In-Chief–and that’s an accusation that has left Michelle Obama, 45, incensed. “Before things got out of hand, Michelle got word to Beyonce to tone things down or risk being banned from The White House in the future … She’s had a sore spot for Beyonce ever since a March 2007 fundraiser in New York City when her husband was all googly-eyed over Beyonce and asked for her autograph.”

Old tradition back in Seattle?

Old tradition back in Seattle?

The Seattle Post-Intelligencer reported that King County prosecutors filed assault charges Wednesday against a Seattle man accused of attempting to “sacrifice” his live-in girlfriend. According to police, Oumar Lam’s 26-year-old girlfriend arrived at their Queen Anne apartment Sunday to find him lying naked on a couch near a candle-lit altar. The woman told police she was seated on a bed when Lam attacked her from behind, pulling a pillowcase over her head and attempting to suffocate her. Pulling her head back, Lam, 31, allegedly sliced the woman’s throat while yelling in an unidentified language, according to court documents. She told police she attempted to break away from him as he pulled her toward the altar, at which he had apparently been praying for hours before her arrival. Police assert that Lam continued stabbing her during the struggle, cutting her chest, back and shoulder before she was able to dial 911. The woman, police said in court documents, “was extremely fearful that Lam was trying to kill her as part of a sacrifice.” The woman underwent emergency surgery at Harborview Medical Center after the incident and is expected to survive. Bail has not been set in the case for Lam, who remains in the King County Jail.

Some people say, sometimes love can hurt like hell.

Love hurts ...

Love hurts ...

“Having Beyonce trying to take your man, or your guy trying to slit your throat, is the price we women have to pay sometimes for the love we get to share,” said Emmy Hashish-Largess, an incense sales rep and blonde with black roots, whose occasions into consciousness are rarer than they used to be.  “Life can be hard sometimes and nobody and nothing is perfect.  If you can get to be first lady with a guy who wants to sleep around a little, hey you still got what you got and he ain’t go’in no where.  And maybe the guy you like wants to sacrifice you ’cause he loves you and his faith.  You got trade-offs.  I’m not saying it’s easy, but who said that life is?”

In other news, the Detroit Free Press reported last week that a Detroit woman and her seven children ages 9-18 are suing the Detroit Police Department for $15 million, because they allege officers attacked them without provocation in their home earlier this month. Tasha Flowers said last Thursday that approximately 14 police officers barged into her home in the 19000 block of Shrewsbury about 7:30 p.m. on Jan. 3 without a search warrant, demanding to know where drugs and guns were. After she explained she didn’t have any, she said they twisted her arm and tried to handcuff her, while her children and two of their friends were there. The following day, a police officer came back with $25 gift certificates to Wal-Mart and Target, $100 in cash and the promise to bring a cashmere coat because he felt bad about the alleged attack, Flowers said.

090202-sacrifice-pro-choiceNo word on whether the officers where flirting with Beyonce or thinking about sacrificing Flowers, but I guess an unprovoked attack by the cops is what some people have to endure to have the police support we need in a free society … or some bullshit like that.

(C) 2008 InebriatedPress.com

Source articles:

Obama Coffee Cup Raises More Than Questions
http://www.thedenverchannel.com/politics/18595829/detail.html#

Michelle Obama Beyonce White House Ban: Beyonce Accused Of Flirting With President Obama
http://hiphop.popcrunch.com/michelle-obama-beyonce-white-house-ban-beyonce-accused-of-flirting-with-president/

Charges filed in man’s attempted ‘sacrifice’
http://seattlepi.nwsource.com/local/397830_assault29.html

Detroit Police Sued for $15 Million
http://www.freep.com/article/20090130/NEWS01/901300325/Detroit+woman+sues+police+for+$15+million

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CIA spying on Brit’s, Old women hold guns on young men, and A big ass is the key to good health

> CIA is monitoring 4,000 UK terrorist suspects
> Seventy-year-old woman holds home intruder at gunpoint; had a gun and knew how to use it
> Buttock and hip fat may protect women against type 2 diabetes
  

Inebriated Press
January 8, 2009

090108-cia-seal1Australia’s The Age reported Monday that the CIA has begun an intelligence-gathering operation in Britain to help MI5 monitor 4000 terrorist suspects. The article said that over four out of ten CIA operations to prevent attacks on U.S. soil are now conducted against targets in Britain. And WNDU-TV Southbend, Indiana reported Sunday that a 70-year-old woman held a gun on a 28-year-old burglar and threatened to shoot him if he moved, while they waited for police to arrive and arrest him.  Meanwhile, Australia’s Courier-Mail reported Monday that even though most women don’t want a big ass, new research shows that the fat may be protecting them from disease by releasing certain hormones.  Pundits are debating the benefits of spies, big asses and women with guns.

Guns, ass and intel. Hooah!
Guns, ass and intel. Hooah!

“I don’t know much about diabetes or terrorism, but I’ll tell you straight up that my quality of life improved like gangbusters when I started spying on big-assed women carrying guns, that’s for sure,” said Clyde Barlow-Nife, a sharp dresser and part-time hooligan, caught living during an age when terrorists are in vogue and hooligan’s are out of fashion. “I was never much into voyeurism in my younger days, I was more of a doer then.  As I got older I came to enjoy the more relaxed approach of just spying on people.  Hot women with big T and A’s packing heat are the most interesting.  Not sure what I’d do if one of them caught me or I caught one of them.  Still, we’d probably figure something out.”

Some people are completely confused by Barlow-Nife.  “I have no clue what Clyde’s talking about.  I do know this: the CIA needs to spy on terrorists where ever they are and root out risks to this country — and that’s true whether Obama and Panetta think so or not.  And all women should carry guns for their own defense, and if having a big ass is healthy, I’m in prime condition,” said Mary-Lou Pye, a pastry baker and part-time small arms dealer, who enjoys playing with whips and chains when she’s not baking or shooting stuff.  “I’ve got so much heat packed on my hips that no terrorist, burglar or bungler will take me down easily.  You think a bakery oven is hot, you haven’t seen me in an apron.”

Packing heat.
Packing heat.

The Age reported that the CIA has begun an unprecedented intelligence-gathering operation in Britain to help MI5 monitor 4000 terrorist suspects. More than four out of 10 CIA operations to prevent attacks on US soil are now conducted against targets in Britain. This has led to friction between British and American spies, with some US intelligence officers irritated that resources are being diverted to gather intelligence on suspects in their closest ally’s backyard. British intelligence officers do not know the identity of all the CIA informers and are uneasy about some of the uses to which the intelligence has been put. MI5 as a whole is glad of the help, however, and works closely with its sister service. US spies share information when it concerns security in Britain.

Intelligence from CIA informers is believed to have helped thwart more than one terrorist atrocity on British soil. Information passed on by a CIA source in Britain was also instrumental in locating Rashid Rauf, a British-born al-Qaeda operative killed by a US air strike in Pakistan on November 22. A former CIA officer who still carries out freelance work for the agency voiced the irritation of some American spies. “It’s certainly frustrating that Britain is an Islamist swamp,” he said. “You don’t want to have to spend time spying on your friends.” MI5 director-general Jonathan Evans has estimated about 4000 people in Britain pose a direct threat to national security.

Cyrus Brown, Crook
Cyrus Brown, Crook

WNDU-TV reported that a 70-year-old woman named Sandra — she asked that her last name not be used — held an intruder who broke into her home at gunpoint until police arrived. That man is 28-year-old Cyrus Brown. Brown is being held in jail on a number of charges, including burglary and intimidation. It was all started about nine o’clock Sunday night. Sandra says she was in the midst of splitting wood for her fire and making vegetable soup, when she heard a ruckus outside.

“All of a sudden, I’m hearing fast footsteps around my yard, around my deck,” says Sandra. That’s when she says she grabbed her gun and called 911. Moments later– the intruder– Cyrus Brown, broke through her back patio door, pushing his way through the glass. “Immediately, I felt there was danger because he was so desperate,” explains the 70-year-old. “He’s in the kitchen by the stove, I told him to get down on the floor. I said if you come any closer to me, I will shoot you to kill. I told him to sit down, don’t move, and I want to see your hands at all times,” adds Sandra. Newscenter 16 obtained the 911 call that Sandra made. In the background, you can hear her demanding the suspect get down.

Hunting for something, shooting at birds
Hunting for something, shooting at birds

911 call:
Dispatch: “Ma’am, where is he at in the house?”
Sandra: “Get, get, get! You have more to fear from me!”

911 call:
Dispatch: “Ma’am, are you holding him at gunpoint?”
Sandra: “Yes, I am. And if he moves towards me, I’m afraid I’m going to have to kill. I don’t want to have to kill him.”

In that moment, Sandra says she was glad she had a gun and knew how to use it– just in case. Sandra is a mother of three and has several grandchildren. She says she hopes others can learn from her story and think about protecting themselves.

The Courier-Mail reported that fat bottoms are the bane of many women but scientists believe oversized rears are a sign a woman’s health has not gone pear-shaped. New research, published in the journal Cell Metabolism, suggests the fat responsible for producing the pear shape flaunted by celebrities such as Jennifer Lopez and Beyonce may be active in protecting women from diseases by releasing certain hormones. Buttock and hip fat may protect women against type 2 diabetes, from which more than 1.7 million Australians now suffer, researchers from the Harvard Medical School found.

Beyonce, the pinnacle of health.
Beyonce, the pinnacle of health.

Researcher Dr Ronald Kahn insisted that not all fat was bad for health. “The surprising thing was that it wasn’t where the fat was located, it was the kind of fat that was the most important variable,” he said. “Even more surprising, it wasn’t that abdominal fat was exerting negative effects but that subcutaneous fat was producing a good effect. If we can capture those (substances) we might have an opportunity to convert them into drugs or use them as guides to help develop drugs.”

In other news, BBC reported Tuesday that females are less physically active at both ends of life than their male counterparts, two studies suggest. Researchers studied activity levels in school children and the over 70s – and in both cases found males tended to be more active.

Jennifer Lopez and Asset

Jennifer Lopez and Asset

Researcher Dr Nicky Ridgers said: “It is a concern that girls’ activity levels are lower than boys and, although it is just one piece in a complex picture, this could be contributing to girls being overweight and obese.”  No word on whether Dr Nicky and Dr Ron will merge their studies and discover that the reason women live longer than men is because they’re less active and have bigger asses that protect their health, but if Clyde Barlow-Nife spying on them maybe there’ll be a break-through.

(C) 2009 InebriatedPress.com

 

Source articles:

CIA tracking 4000 UK terror suspects
http://www.theage.com.au/world/cia-tracking-4000-uk-terror-suspects-20090104-79u6.html?page=-1

Seventy-year-old woman holds home intruder at gunpoint, talks about ordeal
http://www.wndu.com/localnews/headlines/37073429.html

Why big bums are good for you
http://www.news.com.au/couriermail/story/0,23739,24878517-23272,00.html

Females ‘less physically active’
http://news.bbc.co.uk/2/hi/health/7811398.stm

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Nurses Turn to Prostitution While the Homeless Eat Caviar

> Demoralized nurses finding work in brothels
> Poor to eat contraband caviar on Christmas

Inebriated Press
December 24, 2008

081224-nurse1Australia’s News Limited reported Monday that exhausted and demoralized nurses would rather work as prostitutes than in Queensland’s crumbling hospitals.  And the Associated Press reported Saturday that homeless people in Italy will be savoring beluga caviar this Christmas.  Experts say that like hooker-nurses and homeless-caviar-eaters, everyone should reflect on their lives at year-end, and some may want to make changes and boost next years life-style options.

081224-caviar“It’s always good to reflect on how your life is going as the year winds down, and make a few subtle adjustments — like switching from caring for the sick to banging the healthy — in order to make your life safer, and more financially rewarding,” said Jenna Jameson-Hollander, a registered nurse and motivational speaker, currently providing personal services to homeless Italians offering caviar.  “Maybe you want to exercise more and get your body in shape, or perhaps you should stop paying your mortgage and go to Italy and eat caviar with the homeless.  At the end of each year it’s a good time to reflect and make some adjustments like those.”

081224-beyonce1Other life-style experts agree.  “I used to bust my ass as a divisional manager for a large company, administering staff and a budget, trying to hit performance targets, all that stuff,” said Alexander Yardly-Tucumseth, a wiry middle-aged ex-executive, now living on the street and trading caviar for personal services offered by former Australian nurses.  “Today I’m a homeless guy and part-time life-style advisor to Paris Hilton and Beyonce.  They don’t pay much attention to what I say, but what to I care, I’m living a stress-free life.  And next year Obama will start sending me checks.  It’s change I can believe in.”

081224-healthcare-australia-styleNews Limited reported that Queensland nurses are leaving the healthcare system because of workloads, burnout and record levels of frustration, and many have found new jobs working in brothels. “We could no longer work in such an understaffed and stressful environment,” said the mother of two, who wanted to be known only as Jenna. Jenna said violence was more of a concern in hospitals than in the sex industry. “The security (at the brothel) is wonderful. We have buzzers in our room, there are bracelets we can request if you have a client you’re a bit suspicious of.” Jenna said she had gone to great lengths to hide her new occupation from her family. “I wear my nurse’s uniform to work, I carry my hospital ID. But when I get to work I change. There’s a couple of others who do the same,” she said. Health Minister Stephen Robertson said it was disappointing some nurses were seeking alternative careers. He didn’t comment on how hot the Australian nurses look or what his plans are to try and keep them in hospitals.

PEOPLE HILTONThe Associated Press reported that some homeless people in Italy will be savoring beluga caviar this Christmas, thanks to officials who seized 88 pounds (40 kilograms) of the contraband delicacy from smugglers.  The caviar has been given to Italian charities to be served alongside the traditional foods they feed the poor on Christmas – like lentils, pasta and cake – officials said Saturday. The Rev. Massimo Mapelli, who helps run a shelter for the homeless and recovering addicts, said his center will get 10 kilograms (22 pounds) of caviar for 82 diners. That’s about 120 grams (4 1/2 ounces) per person – two to four times the amount chefs traditionally serve to wealthy diners.  Not bad if you like caviar.

081224-oreoIn other news, the Houston Chronicle reported Saturday that a school bus driver accused of brandishing a knife and threatening three sixth-graders with cutting their wrists for leaving cookie crumbs on a seat has been arrested. William Allen, 66, was taken into custody Friday on a charge of aggravated assault with a deadly weapon. Students told their parents that Allen took them out of the bus Wednesday at Mary Orr Intermediate School. They said he threatened to cut their wrists with the knife if they didn’t admit to eating Oreo cookies and leaving crumbs behind, according to police reports.  No word on whether Allen has plans to become a homeless Italian or an Australian hooker-nurse, but you can bet he won’t be driving a bus next year.

(C) 2008 InebriatedPress.com

Source articles:
Fed-up Queensland nurses turning to prostitution
http://www.news.com.au/story/0,27574,24831036-1248,00.html

Italy’s poor to eat contraband caviar on Christmas
http://hosted.ap.org/dynamic/stories/E/EU_ITALY_POOR_MANS_CAVIAR?SITE=AP&SECTION=HOME&TEMPLATE=DEFAULT&CTIME=2008-12-20-12-45-27

School bus driver accused of pulling knife on sixth-graders
http://www.chron.com/disp/story.mpl/metropolitan/6175135.html

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