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Obama and Clinton Found in Love Nest

Inebriated Press \ Tabloid Division
December 30, 2008

73969402WM007_Democratic_PrStunned political pundits say president-elect Barack Obama and future Secretary of State Hillary Clinton were discovered shacked-up at an Arkansas resort, while former president Bill Clinton and first-lady-to-be Michelle Obama expressed disbelief from a Hooters in Chicago.  Inebriated reporters hiding in dumpsters and behind ice sculptures have the story.

081231_hillary_clinton1“I saw Hillary and Barack ice-skating together at an Arkansas resort and later disappear into a cabin with a pile of logs for a fire, and after I paid a local citizen who keeps recordings of wire-taps on all the cabins, I was given the story of the heated action that went on inside,” said Inebriated reporter Dank Apartment, a writer by trade and drinker out of habit.  “They had an emotional love-hate sexual-repressive relationship during the primaries.  Back then Barack said Hillary didn’t know shit about foreign policy and did nothing but have tea with foreign leaders’ wives; but now he’s named her to the top foreign policy position in the country and says she’s the nations top foreign policy expert.  It was just the sexual tension that brought out the conflicting statements, and now they’re working out that tension and are a lot more relaxed with each other.”

081231_james_carvilleNot everyone thinks it was Obama or Clinton. “I don’t think for one moment that Michelle and Bill were together at a Hooters in Chicago, there’s no doubt in my mind that it wasn’t really them,” said Democrat operative James Carvell, rubbing his head with bowling ball polish and yipping like a dog.  “Anyone who says it was is full of shit.  What did you say?  Barack and Hillary were naked together in a cabin?  I don’t know nothing, leave me alone.”

081231-super-obamaIn related news, Obama continues to say that all the statements he made during the primaries that conflict with what he’s doing now shouldn’t be seen as either lies or a change of positions.  “It was all preliminary stuff and you say whatever you need-to in order to get elected,” Obama reportedly said, while smoking a Marlboro he later claimed was a cheese stick.  “It’s not like politicians tell the truth or anything.  People know better than that.  We do whatever we want to, because we can.  Bill Clinton taught us that.  Now Hillary and I are revisiting it.  Why look so surprised?”

(C) 2008 InebriatedPress.com

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Monica Lewinsky and Hillary Clinton, New Obama Molls

Hillary eager to be part of Obama’s “adventure”
Lewinsky may join Obama administration; “honored by the opportunity”
Everything old is new again!

 

Inebriated Press
December 2, 2008

Team Players?

Team Players?

U.S. president-elect Barack Obama continued building his “team of rivals” by adding both of former president Bill Clinton’s Oral-Oval-Office sex-kittens to his administration.  CNN reported yesterday that Bill’s wife, U.S. Senator Hillary Clinton, is joining Obama’s national security team as secretary of state.  In accepting the offer Ms. Clinton said she wanted to be part of the “greatest adventure of our century.” And Yahoo! News reported last week that the Obama transition team is mulling a role for Monica Lewinsky in the new administration, and reportedly senior advisor David Axelrod likes the idea, but chief-of-staff Rahm Emanuel doesn’t.  Bill Clinton lied to a Grand Jury about sexual adventures with Ms. Lewinsky during his presidency, and these led to his impeachment hearings.  Pundits are debating what kind of “great adventure” Barack and his buddies have in mind for the Obama-Oral-Oval Office.

“All work and no play makes Barack a dull boy,” said Helga Monroe-Marilyn, a professional weight-lifter and part-time sex kitten, whose simultaneous dumb-bell and stripper-pole work is legendary down at Bobs’ Jiffy Lube and Strip Club. “Barack is a student of presidential administrations and he knows that President Lincoln’s ‘team of rivals’  made for some really interesting encounters during the Civil War, and that whenever Bill Clinton got Hillary and Monica in the same room to discuss sex and foreign policy, he had some of the most stimulating conversations – and other stuff – in his entire life.  Barack is smart enough to have learned from the two great former presidents and is fashioning his own Oval Office adventures by putting both pieces of ass, I mean both professional women, into key roles.” 

Adventurous Monica

Adventurous Monica

Not everyone sees it the way Monroe-Marilyn does.  “The guy’s playing with fire and if he’s not careful he’s going to get burned, and burned badly,” said someone claiming to be Leon Panetta, Bill Clinton’s former White House chief of staff; a man known for taking cover under Bill’s desk during various ‘adventures’. “Obama may have dodged the Jeremiah Wright, Bill Ayers and Tony Rezko shrapnel when those adventures took a bad turn, but he’s never toyed with the affections and aggression hard-wired into Hillary and Monica.  You can say he’ll handle them because he can get along with his hard-ass wife Michelle, but that’s only because she never suspected him of screwing around at work.  This is going to be different.  Obama is surrounding himself with way too many former Clinton administration people, and now even with the women Clinton was sexually involved with.  I guess Obama likes the high-wire act, but if he’s not careful these people will eat him alive.  And I mean that on all kinds of levels, and not all of them good.”

CNN reported that Senator Hillary Clinton decided to join her one-time rival’s team because she wanted to be part of the “greatest adventure of our century,” she said Monday after President-elect Barack Obama named her as his nominee for secretary of state. Clinton said she would work to restore America’s position as “a force for positive change” in the world. During the news conference, Obama called Clinton a woman of “extraordinary intelligence and toughness” who will “command respect in every capital.” In a statement, President Clinton said he was “deeply proud” that Obama has chosen his wife to be secretary of state.

081202-time-bill-monicaYahoo! News reported that President-Elect Barack Obama’s transition team is reported to be deeply divided over whether to offer a post to Monica Lewinsky, the former White House Intern whose intimate relationship with President Bill Clinton led to his impeachment. One group, which includes David Axelrod, Mr. Obama’s campaign manager who has been named his senior advisor, favors the move to balance the influence of the Clinton-era policy people by adding someone with a different perspective. A second faction led by Mr. Obama’s Chief-of Staff, Rahm Emanuel, is bitterly opposed believing that a Lewinsky appointment would needlessly antagonize the Clintons and their supporters. Before being elected to Congress, Mr. Emanuel served as a senior advisor to President Clinton.

New Mexico Governor Bill Richardson, Mr. Obama’s choice for Secretary of Commerce, said that Lewinsky was “a fresh face” with “a lot to offer.” Former South Dakota Senator Tom Daschle, who is expected to be nominated as Secretary of Health and Human Services, said that Miss Lewinsky’s presence in the White House would be “a huge distraction.” Monica Lewinsky was not available for comment. Through her attorney, William Ginsburg, she released a statement, which read, in part, “I am honored and humbled by the opportunity to serve my country again at this crucial juncture in our history.”

Some people say that service to ones country can take many forms, and sometimes the more of them, the better.

081202-hillary_clinton_cleavage“I heard that Monica has a master’s in Social Psychology now from the London School of Economics, so she can talk both econ and blow jobs using a combination of theory and experience,” said a passerby who refused to be identified for no particular reason.  “When you add Hillary’s relationship with Bill at all levels – sexual and policy — and then put these two women in the same room, Barack will be able to converse at the highest levels of economics, foreign policy and sex — traditional and extra marital.  Who wouldn’t want that opportunity if they were running the White House?  This Barack, he really is a genius, no doubt about it – that is if he doesn’t get his nuts cut off in some argument with them.  I hear Hillary still carries Bill’s balls in her purse after his Lewinsky affair.  What the hell.  Any guy who’ll sit down unconditionally with Iran’s Ahmadinejad must think he’s quick enough to protect his nad’s when the going gets rough.  More power to ‘em.”

In other news, the Associated Press reported last week that experts are encouraging people to take naps without guilt.  They say that taking a nap may boost a sophisticated kind of memory that helps us see the big picture and get creative. “Not only do we need to remember to sleep, but most certainly we sleep to remember,” is how Dr. William Fishbein, a cognitive neuroscientist at the City University of New York, put it at a meeting of the Society for Neuroscience last week. Fishbein says our brains keep working during naps and use the time to solve problems and come up with new ideas. No word on how many naps resulted in Obama’s decision to sign up both Hillary and Monica, but some people suspect he’s still asleep and they’re hoping to wake up from the dream themselves.

(C) 2008 InebriatedPress.com

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Obama’s Clintonista’s and Babies Boom, while Boston College does Victoria’s Secret

More old Clinton veterans join the Obama administration
Newsweek contemplates an Obama baby boom
Boston College does racy Victoria’s Secret deal

Inebriated Press
November 18, 2008

The Wall Street Journal reported yesterday that President-elect Barack Obama is continuing to fill staff positions for his incoming administration with people that have Clinton administration White House backgrounds. And Newsweek magazine reported in their November 24 issue that in the hours and days after Obama’s victory, many of his giddy supporters have been in the mood for love, and experts think there may be an “Obama baby boom”. Meanwhile the Boston Herald reported last week that Boston College cut a deal with racy underwear seller Victoria’s Secret, and it’s raising ire on campus and among the conservative, Catholic school’s alumni.  Pundits are debating how much sex the Clintonista’s will promote in the Obama Oval Office, and whether the new Obama baby boom will drive future Victoria’s Secret sales at Boston College.

Giddy sex-crazed O-baby-makers

Giddy sex-crazed O-baby-makers

“Office sex, defense cuts and tax increases are key values that the old Clinton workers can bring to the new Obama administration, and when you want the kind of radical change that Obama is after, you need all the experience and liberal procreation that the Clintonista’s can bring,” said someone claiming to be Monica Lewinski, a former sex trade worker and new Obama appointee for internal Oval Office relations.  “We can hit the ground — and other things — running, and help drive forward Barack’s wish-list faster than if he had to figure out how to get away with sex and murder in D.C. on his own. I’m not discounting what he’s been doing with old-style Chicago politics, heck it got him this far, but he’s new to D.C. and never even finished his first term in the Senate.  Any high roller with the reach that Barack has will need all the Clintonista’s knowledge and experience if he hopes to screw staffers and the American people wholesale.  But don’t forget the new rules — no blue dresses — not sure what that’s about.”

Jumpin Humpin Obama Party

Jumpin Humpin Obama Party

Not everyone thinks Obama’s Clintonista’s are what giddy sex-crazed O-baby-makers were expecting.  “Wait a minute, I thought Barack was for government change and I voted for him instead of Hillary figuring we’d get that.  I haven’t been wearing hot-pink Victoria Secret stuff and having sex with all the Obama supporters at Boston College just because Obama won the election. I’m doing it because I want and expect real change, and I thought that’s what he stood for,” said Stacy McMasterson, a blonde coed voluntary sex trade worker, whose Law School grades have been slipping due to her extra curricular activities. “I declared sexual abstinence after Bush was elected the second time and then after Obama won I released my pent up sexual aggression in every way possible.  Now the Clinton’s are back in power anyway?  So they were the ones who fronted Obama and not the Iranians, Black Muslims or George Soros?  What a fool I was.  Guess I’ll transfer to Iowa and pretend I’m a Republican.”

The Wall Street Journal reported that President-elect Barack Obama continues to fill out staff positions for his incoming administration during the weekend, with many of the new appointees having Clinton White House pedigrees. Gregory B. Craig, a former State Department official who also served as former President Bill Clinton’s impeachment lawyer, will be named White House counsel, serving as Mr. Obama’s chief lawyer, Democratic officials said.

Mona Sutphen, a former special assistant to Mr. Clinton’s national-security adviser, Sandy Berger, was named deputy chief of staff. Ms. Sutphen had been a managing director of Stonebridge International LLC, an international consulting firm that advises multinational corporations. Another Stonebridge managing director, Michael Warren, is leading the transition’s auditing team at the Treasury Department. The new names join a list that includes senior Clinton White House veterans, such as Rahm Emanuel, now Mr. Obama’s White House chief of staff, and Ron Klain, a top aide to Vice President Al Gore who will be Vice President-elect Joe Biden’s chief of staff.

Newsweek magazine reported that in the hours and days since Obama’s victory, many of his exhilarated supporters have been, shall we say, in the mood for love. And though it’s too soon to know for sure, experts aren’t ruling out the possibility of an Obama baby boom—the kind of blip in the national birth rate that often follows a seismic event, whether it’s scary (a terrorist attack) or celebratory (the end of World War II). “The mood of the country and the optimism about leadership is always somewhat related to birth rates,” says Dr. Manny Alvarez, chief of reproductive science at Hackensack University Medical Center in New Jersey. “I’m gearing up for a healthy increase.”

Ripe for Change

Ripe for Change

Hope and euphoria, says University of Washington sociologist Pepper Schwartz, are a serious aphrodisiac. And voters under 30 went for Obama by a margin of 2 to 1. When you combine those two elements—randy people of child-bearing age—the likely result is what the online Urban Dictionary has already dubbed “Obama Babies” : children “conceived after Obama was proclaimed President, by way of celebratory sex.” “If the amount of alcohol, happy people and major functions on election night is any indication, I suspect we’ll indeed see a boom,” says 25-year-old Brandon Mendelson, a graduate student in Albany, N.Y., who says he changed his vote at the last minute because “I wanted to be able to tell our future children that we voted for Obama.”

Go Eagles!

Go Eagles!

The Boston Herald reported that Boston College’s merchandising deal with racy lingerie peddler Victoria’s Secret is raising ire on campus and among the conservative, Catholic school’s alumni. “It’s just not appropriate,” said Maura Orrell of Quincy, as she surveyed the rhinestone- and glitter-covered Boston College sweatshirts, hanging just past the candy-colored Miracle bras. Last week on Newbury Street, outside a Victoria’s Secret store that is selling hot-pink Boston College tank tops for $19.50 and Eagles “short shorts,” others agreed. “It’s really tacky,” said Marcia, a “50-ish” auditor from Boston. At the Newbury Street Victoria’s Secret store, the BC display is located just past life-sized photographs of nearly naked women in lacy lingerie, and next to racks of colorful, glittery underwear. BC spokesman Jack Dunn said the school was “very selective.”  He said the college had no knowledge of Eagles-emblazoned “short shorts” that were selling next to the hot-pink BC tank tops. He also said the university does not divulge how much it makes from selling licensed apparel.

Some people say its sex and politics that makes the world go ’round.

Boston U law student

Boston U law student

“One persons Victoria’s Secret underwear is another persons vote for the future, just like one drunken party pregnancy is Boston College’s next student.  It’s all part of the cycle of life,” said a philosophical drunk sitting on the ground in Chicago’s Grant park, among the litter of ‘Obama for President’ signs and several broken prophylactics.  “It was a hell of a party and I have no idea how many children I fathered in the last week or so, but at least I know that Obama will be taking care of them, one way or another.  Some people want power, some want sex and others just sell themselves or hot clothes for money.  I’m just a freeloader who takes what he can get.  Let Obama have the power, Boston College can raise money from sexy clothes and the women who are fine getting knocked up at a party should have their way.  It may not be the change you expected but what the hey, at least it’ll feel good for a little while.  That’s all anyone really cares about.  Who gives a rats ass about personal responsibility and common sense anyway.  All that shit’s out of style.  We’re in the age of Obama now.”

In other news, Germany’s The Local reported last week that about 40 men have agreed to a Cologne brothel owner’s offer of lifelong free entry in exchange for getting tattoos of the establishment logo on their arms. Armin Lobscheid, the manager at one of the city’s most famous brothels “Pascha,” said he didn’t think anyone would take him up on the offer he put up in the hallway of the 11-story hotel and club that offers a money back guarantee for a myriad of services. But Lobscheid “learned his lesson” on how far a thrifty john is willing to go. Dozens of men formed a line last Wednesday night for their “Pascha” tattoo.

Yours cheap with tattoo discount

Yours cheap with tattoo discount

One die-hard customer, 46-year-old Herbert Manske, told the paper he didn’t hesitate long to get the six large blue letters tattooed on his arm. “My wife doesn’t mind. I save five euros entry, plus the thirty euro cost of a lap dance,” he said. “And apart from that I get free drinks all night and can look at all the pretty girls. She knows that me and my friends go once a month to party in the Pascha.” No word on whether Obama plans to give out tax breaks for citizens who get a Barack tattoo on their arms, have kids named Barack in nine months, or whether Boston College is planning a Victoria’s Secret Eagle’ tattoo for fun or profit.  Reportedly Bill Clinton supports all the above.

(C) 2008 InebriatedPress.com

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