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U.S. Leadership Lacking While Dead Women Come to Life

Poll finds ‘Leadership Crisis’ in America
‘Dead’ Woman Discovered Breathing in Morgue

Inebriated Press
October 17, 2008

U.S. News & World Report published yesterday a survey indicating that 80% of Americans believe that the United States faces a “leadership crisis” today, up from 65% three years ago.  And Fox News reported last week that a Delaware woman declared dead of a heart attack at the Beebe Medical Center, was noticed breathing in the morgue and turned out to be very much alive.  Pundits are debating the type of leadership the country needs in a new era where women are rising from the dead.

“It takes a broader understanding of both the life sciences and global economics to lead in today’s world, where no-equity sub-prime loans are killing our economy, and dead women spontaneously come to life,” said Missy Mane-Artillery, a big-hearted big-chested hard-line Coca Cola Distributor, with a weakness for common sense and chocolate.  “You can’t run a business or a country with nice sounding words and platitudes gleaned from left wing pamphlets, Pentagon bombers, Marxist training or America-hating pastors.  At least you can’t run one well.  It takes experience and some hard knocks.  You don’t have to be a prisoner of war for five years or a Senator for twenty, but it sure helps.”

Not everyone agrees with Mane-Artillery.  “Experience is a hindrance in the new age of socialism and corruption, and that’s true whether the dead are rising for no apparent reason, or the largest and most important economy and military power in the world is facing never-before-seen crisis,” said Neville Chamberlain, a former British Prime Minister, who still thinks his meeting unconditionally with Adolph Hitler stopped the Nazi’s from invading Poland, and that World War II never happened.  “Knowledge and a solid track record of experience in foreign affairs and battling corruption just get in the way of naive efforts to solve problems by increasing taxes and spending, while cutting military development and placating mobsters and terrorists.  It’s old-school mundane American-conservative thinking that lead to this mess of having the biggest and most successful economy in the world and the most powerful, feared and respected military.  It’s about time that the United States accepted its fate and elected a socialist so it can become a second-rate has-been nation like the rest of us.  It’s been the best way too long.”

U.S. News & World Report published a recent story saying that 80 percent of Americans believe the United States faces a “leadership crisis” today, according to a new poll. Three years ago, that figure was 65 percent. The poll, undertaken jointly by the Center for Public Leadership at Harvard University’s Kennedy School of Government and the Merriman River Group, asked 997 U.S. citizens about their faith in American leadership today, which of 13 leading sectors they trusted, and how they conceived of the president’s role.

According to the poll results, the traditional news media, usually near the bottom of popularity contests, ranked higher on the survey’s leadership index than business leaders, Congress, and, in particular, the executive branch, which finished dead last. Confidence in the executive branch plummeted for the third year in a row, with 60 percent of Americans saying it gave them “not much” or “no” confidence, up from 49 percent last year. Only 2 of 13 sectors—military and medical—won a moderate amount of American confidence. The military’s lead has lasted for four years in a row. Most Americans do see the election as an important watershed for the country.

Fox News reported that Judith Johnson went to the Beebe Medical Center in Lewes, Delaware, for what she thought was a bad case of indigestion. Johnson was actually having a heart attack when she arrived at the hospital. Less than 45 minutes after she arrived, she went into cardiac arrest. An hour after being admitted, the hospital told Johnson’s husband his wife was dead. When someone at the morgue noticed Johnson’s “corpse” was still breathing, Louis Johnson learned his wife was very much alive. Johnson now suffers from liver damage, chest pain, memory loss, speech problems, and a change in personality, seizures, and permanent neurological injury as a result of the care she received at Beebe Medical Center. The Johnsons are now suing the hospital and medical staff for compensatory and punitive damages. Some people argue that as long as you believe in hope and change, you don’t need experience or practical knowledge; and if things don’t work out, it’s because “shit happens.”

“Sure the surge worked in Iraq and other people voted to send the troops weapons and supplies over Barack Obama’s ‘no’ votes, that’s just shit happening and has nothing to do with real-world stuff,” said someone claiming to be vice presidential candidate Joe Biden, still smarting because an experienced conservative woman named Sarah Palin suddenly brought the Republican Party back from the dead.  “And I’ve voted for a lot of things that Barack voted against, like most other Democrats, but that doesn’t mean he’s wrong all the time. He’s lead a great campaign.  There’s no candidate in the history of America who could still lead in the polls after having attended a Mosque as a Muslim kid in Indonesia, attended an anti-American church in Chicago for twenty years, got funding and a house from a Syrian racketeer named Rezko and hung out with a guy who actually planted bombs in the Pentagon and last year even said he wished he’d have done more!  Barack hasn’t even finished his first term as US Senator and has never proposed and passed a single piece of major legislation and he’s beating an experienced and proven war hero!  This guy is a piece of work and destined to lead the most powerful country in the world.  Don’t think it’s just the Chicago machine politics, Middle Eastern money and leftist power brokers behind him.  He’s done some stuff himself too.  I can’t remember any, but he’s America’s guy.  A true leader for the new age.”

In other news, Associated Press reported Tuesday that a Pennsylvania soccer mom who packs a pistol is getting her concealed weapon permit back. Melanie Hain had lost the permit after other parents complained last month that she was carrying her loaded handgun in a holster at her daughter’s soccer game. Judge Robert Eby says even though the law required him to give her the permit back, he questioned whether Hain showed good judgment by ignoring other parents’ safety concerns. No word on whether Hain plans to run for president or encourage conditional talks with tyrants, but you can bet nobody screws around at the soccer games unless they think they can come back from the dead.

(C) 2008 InebriatedPress.com

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The Battle for Plants Rights and Income Redistribution

Ethicists demand dignity for vegetation
Obama’s tax plan gives “rebates” to non-tax payers
Inebriated Press
October 15, 2008
The Wall Street Journal reported last week that Switzerland has a new law that requires crop scientists to prove their research activity will not humiliate plants.  The law, based on a constitutional amendment, came into being after the Swiss Parliament asked a panel of philosophers, lawyers, geneticists and theologians to establish the meaning of flora’s dignity.  And The Wall Street Journal reported this week that presidential candidate Barack Obama’s plan to cut taxes for 95% of Americans actually is a rebate program that pays citizens who don’t pay taxes, thus redistributing income from those who do, to those who don’t.  Pundits debate the value of dignity to inanimate vegetation and very animated tax payers who keep footing all the bills.
Obama Tax Plan via Wall Street Journal
Obama Tax Plan via Wall Street Journal

“Under Obama’s tax law American’s making from $85,000 to $100,000 will have no significant tax increase or decrease, but anyone making less than $85,000 and more than $100,000 will have rates of 30% to 45%, and that will make them more neighborly and dignified, just like the plants the Swiss scientists must care about under their new law,” said Happy Dictator, an unemployed American Marxist, whose dreams of higher income for the same lack of activity are about to be realized if Obama is elected. “Dignity for plants means leaving them alone, and dignity for Marxists like me is the same.  Just give us more of the good stuff that others have accumulated — those hard working capitalist bastards who take financial risks and don’t get government bailouts.  Morons.  They deserve to pay 45% of their income to me in taxes.”

Not everyone sees it the way Happy Dictator does.  “They say a plant has rights and dignity that cannot be impugned, a pig has rights and dignity that cannot be impugned; terrorists captured on battlefields in Iraq trying to kill Americans who we capture and lock up in Guantanamo have rights and dignity that cannot be impugned.  Meanwhile hard working American taxpayers who finance all of this and send our kids to war to protect everyone’s freedom, we get to pay even more to deadbeats?  You have no idea how wrong this is,” said I.M. Skrued, a US worker making $45,000 a year as a capitalist restaurant manager, who no longer fits into the new age of America being built on Democrat Party socialism.  “If our government is run totally by Democrats with Obama, Pelosi and Reid leading the left-wing charge, I’ll have to quit working so I’ll get a bigger income and I can pay my bills and send my kids to college.  With my pay level getting a 45% federal tax burden, plus state and sales taxes on top of it, I’d have less money from working my job than I will living on the government dole.  I don’t know who’ll pay all the taxes when we all quit our jobs and try living off the government, but I guess that won’t be my problem.”

The Wall Street Journal reported that this spring Switzerland began mandating that geneticists conduct their research without trampling on a plant’s dignity. “Unfortunately, we have to take it seriously,” said Beat Keller, a molecular biologist at the University of Zurich. “It’s one more constraint on doing genetic research.” Dr. Keller recently sought government permission to do a field trial of genetically modified wheat that has been bred to resist a fungus. He first had to debate the finer points of plant dignity with university ethicists. Then, in a written application to the government, he tried to explain why the planned trial wouldn’t “disturb the vital functions or lifestyle” of the plants. He eventually got the green light. Several years ago, when Christof Sautter, a botanist at Switzerland’s Federal Institute of Technology, failed to get permission to do a local field trial on transgenic wheat, he moved the experiment to the U.S. He’s too embarrassed to mention the new dignity rule to his American colleagues. “They’ll think Swiss people are crazy,” he says.

The Journal reported Monday that one of Barack Obama’s most potent campaign claims is that he’ll cut taxes for no less than 95% of “working families.” He’s even promising to cut taxes enough that the government’s tax share of GDP will be no more than 18.2% — which is lower than it is today. It’s a clever pitch, because it lets him pose as a middle-class tax cutter while disguising that he’s also proposing one of the largest tax increases ever on the other 5%. But how does he conjure this miracle, especially since more than a third of all Americans already pay no income taxes at all? There are several sleights of hand, but the most creative is to redefine the meaning of “tax cut.”

secret smoker and secret socialist
Obama: secret smoker and secret socialist

For the Obama Democrats, a tax cut is no longer letting you keep more of what you earn. In their lexicon, a tax cut includes tens of billions of dollars in government handouts that are disguised by the phrase “tax credit.” Mr. Obama is proposing to create or expand no fewer than seven such credits for individuals. Here’s the political catch. All the “credits” are “refundable,” which is Washington-speak for the fact that you can receive these checks even if you have no income-tax liability. In other words, they are an income transfer — a federal check — from taxpayers to non-taxpayers. Once upon a time we called this “welfare.” Mr. Obama’s genius is to call it a tax cut.

The Tax Foundation estimates that under the Obama plan 63 million Americans, or 44% of all tax filers, would have no income tax liability and most of those would get a check from the IRS each year. The Heritage Foundation’s Center for Data Analysis estimates that by 2011, under the Obama plan, an additional 10 million filers would pay zero taxes while cashing checks from the IRS. The total annual expenditures on refundable “tax credits” would rise over the next 10 years by $647 billion to $1.054 trillion, according to the Tax Policy Center. This means that the tax-credit welfare state would soon cost four times actual cash welfare. By redefining such income payments as “tax credits,” the Obama campaign also redefines them away as a tax share of GDP. Presto, the federal tax burden looks much smaller than it really is. Some pundits argue that taxes and dignity are all concepts and as such can be redefined weekly by today’s New Democrats (also a redefinition, in that they used to be referred to as Old Socialists).

“All meaning on earth is relative and subjective and can only be defined by the State — morality, tax credits, life itself,” said Eva Gram-Kracker, a buxom mother of none, who supports Obama because he voted three times against the law to provide medical support to children who survive botched abortions.  “The dignity of a human being is determined by governments and when Barack is running things it’ll be his good judgment that defines our dignity, tax receipts and the fair treatment of Islamofascists.  He’ll sit down and talk with Iranian president Ahmadinejad and give him what he wants so he’ll like our country.  He’ll fix other problems too, like solving world poverty by giving more American tax dollars to the United Nations to redistribute to the world.  He’ll end all wars and the lives of any children you don’t want around.  He is his own god and he’ll soon be yours and mine too.  I can hardly wait!”

In other news, the New York Post reported yesterday that Lawrence Trout stands to win a cool $2 million if a UFO appears in the sky.  British gaming house William Hill covered a $2,000 bet at 1,000 to 1, that a huge intergalactic spaceship from the alien Federation of Light will appear. “We have always been apprehensive of space-based bets ever since we paid out the equivalent of millions when Neil Armstrong landed on the moon in 1969,” said a spokesman for William Hill, which took the action anyway. No word on how much money Obama would like to take in taxes if the aliens appear, but the odds are we’ll all be paying more in the future whether Martians arrive or not.

(C) 2008 InebriatedPress.com

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