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Senator Money Grubbing, Subway Boob Grabbing, While Waterboarding Pays Off Big

> California Dem uses taxpayer money to get hubby $13 mil.
> Subway groper grabs and runs, says “it’s a free country”
> Obama intel chief says waterboarding worked; statement cut from Obama’s CIA release

Inebriated Press
April 24, 2009

Feinstein and friend at recent event

Feinstein and friend at recent event

The Washington Times reported Tuesday that Democrat Senator Dianne Feinstein introduced legislation to route $25 billion in taxpayer money to a government agency that awarded her husband’s firm a lucrative contract. At the time of the deal Feinstein’s husband bought 10 million shares in the company whose value then leapt on the government award, increasing over a dollar per share for a tidy $13.4 million in profit. 

UK’s The Sun reported Tuesday that Colin Franklin assaulted five women in the subway during a 16-month spree across London, where he grabbed their breasts.  One girl screamed “What do you think you’re doing?” and he said “It’s a free country.”  Meanwhile, The New York Times reported Wednesday that Adm. Dennis C. Blair, Obama’s national intelligence director told colleagues in a memo last week that harsh interrogation techniques did produce significant information that helped fight terrorism.  Blair’s assessment was deleted from a condensed version of his memo released to the media last Thursday.  Some pundits say all’s fair in money grubbing and boob grabbing, and freedom-fighting terrorists should be left alone.

Someone named Mabel, getting tactile

Someone named Mabel, getting tactile

“Government corruption and cronyism is a long standing tradition among societies just like sexual assault and murder, and the fact that it’s going on shows how vital and healthy a social system is,” said Mabel Maibee-Moron, a postal recipient, part time vagrant and full time Obama supporter.  “Let’s not get confused by some minor income redistribution efforts that well meaning Democrats are engaged in, or by boob grabbers — heaven knows I’d like mine grabbed way more than they are.  A little freelance boob grabbing is good for everybody.  But on the waterboarding crap, that’s got to stop.  Just because some people crashed planes into the World Trade Center on 9-11 and would have destroyed buildings in downtown Los Angeles if we hadn’t waterboarded that al Qaeda guy for the intel that stopped it, doesn’t mean that we shouldn’t respect their right to disapprove of our country.  We’ve got to be more tolerant.  Thankfully Barack is hanging with the Iranian president, and South American dictators like he did back in Chicago with the Pentagon bomber and anti-American pastor.  Finally we’re respecting violent dissent the way we should.”

Someone named Lilly

Someone named Lilly

Not everyone agrees with Maibee-Moron.  “All the talk about hope and change spun by Obama and the Democrats and now what are they doing with it?  Robbing the country blind and setting us up for hyper inflation and economic ruin, all while dismantling the system that has kept the country safe since 9-11.  Pardon my French, but this is bullshit,” said Lilly Sunn-Beem, a landscape contractor in the flower of womanhood, who despite a sunny disposition is put off by morons of all stripes.  “We have official government corruption as well as unofficial cronyism.  Hell, the head of Treasury who oversees the IRS cheats on his taxes — I guess he won’t be audited this year.  And nobody grabs my boobs unless I want them too.  It’s as bad as Obama taking my money and handing it to vagrants who’ve done nothing for it, except this is physical.  Coping a feel is not a ‘right’.  Regarding waterboarding, hell, we’ve waterboarded more of our own military personnel as part of their training than we’ve ever waterboarded terrorists.  And when it saves lives and protects the country, you do it.  Is there no common sense left in Washington?  Is everyone there just padding their pockets and spending our money with no time left to think clearly?  Holy shit.”

Gett'n grabby

Gett'n grabby

The Washington Times reported that on the day the new Congress convened this year, Sen. Dianne Feinstein introduced legislation to route $25 billion in taxpayer money to a government agency that had just awarded her husband’s real estate firm a lucrative contract to sell foreclosed properties at compensation rates higher than the industry norms. Mrs. Feinstein’s intervention on behalf of the Federal Deposit Insurance Corp. was unusual: the California Democrat isn’t a member of the Senate Committee on Banking, Housing and Urban Affairs with jurisdiction over FDIC; and the agency is supposed to operate from money it raises from bank-paid insurance payments – not direct federal dollars.   

About the same time of the contract award, Feinstein’s husband Richard Blum’s private investment firm, CB Richard Ellis Group (CBRE), reported to the Securities and Exchange Commission that it and related affiliates had purchased more than 10 million new shares in CBRE. The shares were purchased for the going price of $3.77; CBRE’s stock closed Monday at $5.14. That’s an increase of $1.37 a share and at 10 million shares that’s $13.4 million dollars in “found money.”  I wish my 401k had that kind of earning power, but I’m not married to Feinstein.

UK subwayThe Sun reported Colin Franklin, 43, sexually assaulted five victims aged between 17 and 25 in a 16-month spree across London, it is alleged. Daniel Robinson, prosecuting, told Southwark Crown Court jurors Franklin first struck at Kilburn Underground Station, in North West London, on May 2, 2007. He flicked his travelcard towards a teen’s legs then at the top of a flight of stairs “stretched out and grabbed her right breast”, the court was told. The girl screamed out: “What do you think you are doing?” to which he allegedly remarked: “It’s a free country”. CCTV footage then showed Franklin, who fled on to a Tube, acting suspiciously as he changed from a southbound to a northbound train.

Tradition?

Tradition?

Franklin got on a Tube at Caledonian Road, North East London, and as another victim sat reading a newspaper he appeared next to her on the other side of a glass partition, the court was told. Mr Robinson added: “He said something like ’that looks nice’. “She looks up and feels two hands groping her breasts. Naturally she is alarmed. He jumped off the train at Manor House.” Franklin, of Beckenham, Kent, was eventually arrested on December 8, last year. He denies five counts of sexual assault. The trial continues.

The New York Times reported that President Obama’s national intelligence director told colleagues in a private memo last week that the harsh interrogation techniques banned by the White House did produce significant information that helped the nation in its struggle with terrorists. Admiral Blair’s assessment that the interrogation methods did produce important information was deleted from a condensed version of his memo released to the media last Thursday. Also deleted was a line in which he empathized with his predecessors who originally approved some of the harsh tactics after the attacks of Sept. 11, 2001.

Waterboarding

Waterboarding

“I like to think I would not have approved those methods in the past,” Blair wrote, “but I do not fault those who made the decisions at that time, and I will absolutely defend those who carried out the interrogations within the orders they were given.” Admiral Blair’s private memo was provided by a critic of Mr. Obama’s policy. His assessment could bolster Bush administration veterans who argue that the interrogations were an important tool in the battle against al Qaeda. Gen. Michael V. Hayden, the director of the Central Intelligence Agency under Mr. Bush, said on Fox News Sunday last weekend that “the use of these techniques against these terrorists made us safer. It really did work.” Former Vice President Dick Cheney, in a separate interview with Fox, endorsed that conclusion and said he has asked the C.I.A. to declassify memos detailing the gains from the harsh interrogations.

Boob grab tech

Boob grab tech

In other news, Ohio’s Dayton Daily News reported Wednesday that Warren County is saying “no thank you” to federal stimulus funds. The county is the only one in the state that has rejected stimulus money for transportation improvements, according to the Ohio Department of Transportation. Commissioners rejected $373,000 in stimulus money to buy three new transit buses and upgrade their fleet, citing their opposition of deficit spending for buses and vans. “I’ll let Warren County go broke before taking any of Obama’s filthy money,” Commissioner Mike Kilburn said. “I’m tired of paying for people who don’t have. As Reagan said, ‘Government is not the answer, it’s the problem.'”  No word on how Kilburn feels about boob grabbing on the subway, Feinstein’s money redistribution or waterboarding, but since the guy’s got both common sense and balls, he’s probably pissed off at a lot of the crazy shit going on in America today.  Let’s clone him.

(C) 2009 InebriatedPress.com

Source articles:

EXCLUSIVE: Senator’s husband’s firm cashes in on crisis
http://washingtontimes.com/news/2009/apr/21/senate-husbands-firm-cashes-in-on-crisis/print/

‘Lovely boobs, can I grab ’em?’
http://www.thesun.co.uk/sol/homepage/news/article2387799.ece

Banned Techniques Yielded ‘High Value Information,’ Memo Says
http://www.nytimes.com/2009/04/22/us/politics/22blair.html?_r=3

Warren County to Obama: Keep your ‘filthy money’
http://www.daytondailynews.com/news/dayton-news/warren-county-to-obama-keep-your-filthy-money-90323.html

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Black Car Ban, Hi-Tech Death Van, and the ‘Boob-Job Bandit’

> California plan may kill black cars
> China kills people in vans, harvests organs
> Boob Job Bandit get’s “Busted”

Inebriated Press
April 3, 2009

Boob JobMercury News reported last week that California is considering requiring automakers to use more reflective paint in an effort to battle global warming.  Car companies say this means the color black may end up banned in the state.  And the Daily Mail reported last week that China is using numerous “death van’s” to carry out executions around the country, and high-tech equipment preserves the victim’s organs for sale on the black market.  Meanwhile, the Metro reported earlier this week that a 30-year-old blonde who stole £8,000 worth of cosmetic surgery procedures was finally busted by police in California. Pundits are debating the benefits of fake boobs, organ traffiking and banning the color black.

Saving the world through distraction.

Saving the world through distraction.

“The only real way to save the world from the dangers of global warming and flat-chested women, is to ban all dark colors and harvest the organs of people we don’t like and sell them to fund breast implants,” said Hu Yu-Kiddn, an unemployed philosopher and fruitopian, currently Al Gore’s biggest fan.  “Most of the problems we will face in the future will be due to the end of the ice age and the decline in the size of women’s breasts in the industrialized countries. If we will detonate nuclear devises in earth’s atmosphere in such a way that the sun is blocked out, we may be able to save the earth by returning it to the ice age when humankind didn’t exist.  Lacking that, it’s important that the size of women’s breasts expand so we can keep our minds off our problems.  It may seem like a small thing, but let’s face it, the fate of the planet hangs in the balance.”

"The Power of Silicon"

"The Power of Silicon"

Not everyone buys what Yu-Kiddn is selling.  “I won’t argue about the benefits of breast size, because I control most men within the tri-state area since I bumped my knockers up to double-D’s, but blocking out the sun to save the earth is completely nuts,” said Alicia Ann Maidrite, a buxom blond rocket scientist and part-time hooker, whose book ‘The Power of Silicon’ has been translated into 50 languages.  “And whether it’s okay to harvest organs in the back of vans for sale in the black market, I’m not sure.  I’ve done shit in the backs of vans of questionable legality involving human organs and selling a service, but I didn’t actually chop off any organs, at least not most of the time.”

Black and dangerous

Black and dangerous

Mecury News reported that California’s Air Resources Board (ARB) has been mulling the relationship between automobile color and greenhouse gases.  This started a rumor that California was about to ban cars painted black. The board considered requiring reflective car paints and windshields. The premise was that a cooler car would require a driver to use less air conditioning, which would require less gasoline, which would mean fewer greenhouse-gas emissions. Several groups, including the Alliance of Automobile Manufacturers, which lobbies for the big automakers, complained that a draft proposal to change the car-painting process to make vehicles more reflective would “eliminate a significant number of vehicle colors” because darker colors absorb more heat. Even the ARB itself, in a PowerPoint presentation on the paint proposal, stated, “Jet black remains an issue,” though it never said the color should be banned. The board will vote at its June meeting on making car windshields and other glass surfaces more reflective. The new regulations would add up to $50 to the price of new car. 

About to lose his parts.

About to lose his parts.

The Daily Mail reported that after trials of a mobile execution service were launched quietly three years ago – then hushed up to prevent an international row about the abuse of human rights before the Olympics last summer – these vehicles are now being deployed across China. The number of executions is expected to rise to a staggering 10,000 people this year (not an impossible figure given that at least 68 crimes – including tax evasion and fraud – are punishable by death in China). According to undercover investigations by human rights’ groups, the police, judiciary and doctors are all involved in making millions from China’s huge trade in human body parts.

Developed by Jinguan Auto, which also makes bullet-proof limousines for the new rich in this vast country of 1.3 billion people, the vans appear unremarkable. They cost £60,000, can reach top speeds of 80mph and look like a police vehicle on patrol. Inside, however, the ‘death vans’ look more like operating theatres. Inside each ‘death van’ there is a dedicated team of doctors to ‘harvest’ the organs of the deceased. The injections leave the body intact and in pristine condition for such lucrative work. After checking that the victim is dead, the medical team first remove the eyes. Then, wearing surgical gowns and masks, they remove the kidney, liver, pancreas and lungs. Little goes to waste, though the heart cannot be used, having been poisoned by the drugs. The bodies cannot be examined. Corpses are driven to a crematorium and burned before independent witnesses can view them.

Historical precedent means it’s okay.

Historical precedent means it’s okay.

The Nazis used adapted vans as mobile gas chambers from 1940 until the end of World War II. With the ‘cargo’ dead, all that remained was for gold fillings to be hacked from the victims’ mouths, before the bodies were tipped into the graves. Now, six decades later, just like the Nazis, China insists these death vans are ‘progress’. The vans save money on building execution facilities in prisons or courts.

Arrested development

Arrested development

The Metro reported that a serial ‘Boob-Job Bandit’ has surrendered in court after being caught stealing cosmetic surgery procedures totaling more than £8,000. The 30-year-old blonde was tracked down by police using a serial number on her removed breast implants. Yvonne Jean Pampellonne allegedly replaced her breast implants and received liposuction at a clinic in California using a false identity to pay for the operations. She reportedly had the procedures but failed to show up to any follow up appointments. Her old breast implants were crucial to the investigation, meaning a surgeon at the Pacific Center For Plastic Surgery could track down her real identity from her previous surgeon. The boob-job thief will face court in Orange County, Southern California in May on charges of commercial burglary, grand theft and identity theft.

Bad build, bad sex

Bad build, bad sex

In other news, Reuters reported this week that obese men who undergo gastric bypass surgery will not only lose weight; their sex lives are likely to improve, too, new research shows. Dr. Ahmad Hammoud of the University of Utah in Salt Lake City, who led the study said obesity in men has been linked to low testosterone levels, high levels of estrogen, impaired fertility, and worse sexual quality of life. In the study Hammound found that two years after the men who’d had weight loss surgery had dropped an average of nearly 17 points from their BMI. Their estrogen levels had fallen significantly, while their testosterone levels had gone up. And all showed improvements on each of the four measures of sexual quality of life the researchers looked at: they were less likely to avoid sexual encounters, have difficulty with sexual performance, have little sexual desire, or report not enjoying sex.  No word on how they feel about organ traffiking, stolen boobs or the return of the ice age, but at least they’re having fun now.  And for many people, now is what it’s all about.

(C) 2009 InebriatedPress.com

Source articles:

Bunch of hot air? California isn’t banning black cars
http://www.mercurynews.com/ci_12013592?source=most_emailed

China’s hi-tech ‘death van’ where criminals are executed and then their organs are sold on black market
http://www.dailymail.co.uk/news/worldnews/article-1165416/Chinas-hi-tech-death-van-criminals-executed-organs-sold-black-market.html?ITO=1490

‘Boob-Job Bandit’ steals breast implants
http://www.metro.co.uk/weird/article.html?Boob-Job_Bandit_steals_breast_implants&in_article_id=596384&in_page_id=2

Weight loss enhances obese men’s sexual well-being
http://www.canada.com/health/sexual-health/Weight+loss+enhances+obese+sexual+well+being/1385709/story.html

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Obama Spins Gun Vote, Pistol Declared Medical Device, and Inflatable Breasts are Lost at Sea

> Barack Obama says gun-owning Americans have nothing to fear from his voting record
> New 9mm weapon certified as a Class I Medical Device by FDA
> Container with 130,000 inflatable breasts lost in Pacific

Inebriated Press
December 10, 2008

Silly gun toting American

Silly gun toting American

The Chicago Sun-Times reported that gun sales are shooting up around the country, and President-elect Barack Obama said Sunday that gun-owning Americans do not need to rush out and stock up before he is sworn in next month. Obama has voted for Draconian legislation against guns, and following his November election as U.S. president, gun sales in his home state of Illinois jumped 38%.  UK’s Sky News reported that the U.S. Food and Drug Administration has approved a new single-shot 9mm weapon called “The Palm Pistol” as a Class I Medical Device according to its maker, Constitution Arms. They say it’s ideal for use by the elderly and disabled.  Meanwhile, the U.K. Metro reported that 130,000 inflatable breasts went missing on the high seas while on route to Sydney, Australia, from Beijing.  Inebriated reporters are breaking out the eggnog and old movies as they contemplate guns and breasts, the way some people do sex and violence.

Sam Spade

Sam Spade

“I’ve always liked bombs and boobs in the movies and sometimes in real life, usually not at the same time — although it can get really interesting,” said Sam Spade, a hard ass movie detective, often found drinking bourbon, squeezing dames and cleaning a Webley-Fosbery .45. “I don’t trust anybody who votes for the most stringent forms of gun control, the most Draconian legislation, gun bans, ammunition bans and even an increase in federal excise taxes up to 500 percent for every gun and firearm sold, and then claims he believes in the second amendment.  Any guy who talks like that is parsing his words and redefining what he means as he goes.  I’ve met some of those sort of guys and had to slap them around.  They took it and liked it.  I’m not sure today’s America has the stomach for that kind of thing.  If the trend to the left keeps up, I’m not sure what America will have the stomach for.  Sad thing is it’ll mean tough hard ass American’s will be taking and liking it from assholes, tramps and terrorists.  If I wasn’t an imaginary character I’d come back and slap you in the face and try to wake you up myself.”

Not everyone agrees with Spade.  “The important thing is not that there are restrictive laws and reduced amounts of freedom coming to America, the important thing to remember is that when law-abiding citizens turn in their guns and ammo and focus only on inflatable breasts that are lost at sea, they’ll be all the better for it,” said a drunken hoot owl, who wandered into this story from another dimension outside of time and space.  “Polls show that Obama’s approval rating is higher than any first time president-elect.  And there are only a handful of conservative, freedom and personal responsibility cranks, who have a problem with the man.  When the Obama minions are leveraging politicians, company leaders and others who get in the way of Obamamania using the time-honored leftist tactics of intimidation and coercion; we’ll shove the nay-sayers to the side and get to making real progress.  Goofy gun owners think the original Constitution and Bill of Rights mean something in this day and age.  They’re out of touch with reality.  It’s about change baby.  America voted for change.  It’s a comin.”

The Palm Pistol

The Palm Pistol

The Chicago Sun-Times reported that as gun sales shoot up around the country, President-elect Barack Obama said Sunday that gun-owning Americans do not need to rush out and stock up before he is sworn in next month. “I believe in common-sense gun safety laws, and I believe in the second amendment,” Obama said at a news conference. “Lawful gun owners have nothing to fear. I said that throughout the campaign. I haven’t indicated anything different during the transition. I think people can take me at my word.”  But National Rifle Association spokesman Andrew Arulanandam said it’s not Obama’s words — but his legislative track record — that has gun-buyers flocking to the stores.

“Prior to his campaign for president, his record as a state legislator and as a U.S. Senator shows he voted for the most stringent forms of gun control, the most Draconian legislation, gun bans, ammunition bans and even an increase in federal excise taxes up to 500 percent for every gun and firearm sold,” Arulanandam said. Obama answered “yes” in 1996 to a questionnaire from an Illinois group on whether he supported a handgun ban. Nationally, background checks for gun purchases jumped nearly 49 percent during the week Obama was elected. Anecdotally, gun dealers around the country have reported spikes in sales. The Illinois State Rifle Association Reports gun sales for November were 38 percent higher than last year.

Palm Pistol with Dimensions’

Palm Pistol with Dimensions’

Sky News reported that a small arms manufacturer in the US is taking deposits for a gun specially designed for elderly and disabled people, who may be able to get it on prescription. The Palm Pistol is the world’s first ergonomic firearm, according to Constitution Arms. The single-shot 9mm weapon is grasped in the palm of the hand, with the barrel pointing out between the fingers. Instead of pulling a trigger to fire the gun, users press their thumb on a button at the top. “Point and shoot couldn’t be easier,” the New Jersey-based company claims on its website. And it goes on to say: “It is ideal for seniors, disabled or others who may have dexterity limitations or difficulty sighting and controlling a traditional revolver or semi-automatic pistol.” The Palm Pistol has been certified as a Class I Medical Device by the US Food and Drug Administration, Constitution Arms said. That means doctors could prescribe it to certain people, such as those who have had fingers amputated. The Palm Pistol will cost around $300 when it goes on sale.

Inflatable ego ... er boobs

Inflatable ego ... er boobs

The Metro reported that a magazine has asked beachcombers to keep a sharp eye out for inflatable breasts after 130,000 went missing en route to Sydney. Men’s magazine Ralph had intended to distribute the toys free with its January issue. It said the container left docks in Beijing two weeks ago but turned up empty in Sydney this week. The magazine’s editor Santi Pintado asked anyone with information on the current whereabouts of its freebie to get in touch. He said: “Unless Somali pirates have stolen them its difficult to explain where they are. If anyone finds any washed up on a beach, please let us know.”

Some people say that inflated egos have rougher edges than inflatable breasts, and are prone to rub people the wrong way.

Pamela Anderson

Pamela Anderson

“Anybody who continues to talk as though they can reinterpret things they’ve done and said with impunity, has an ego so big that it needs to be punctured and brought down to earth — or left to float out to sea,” said someone claiming to be Pamela Anderson, a blonde with a buoyant personality and a chest to match.  “What I mean is a person who constantly redefines who they are and what they mean will stop being believed and pretty soon their listeners will get pissed off and turn against them.  I kept upsizing my boobs and kept getting more and more popular with the guys and my TV show audiences, but they kept getting in my way when I bowled, so I downsized them.  My popularity went down with them. So I upsized again and so did my popularity.  What I’m saying is that if you do it right the first time and stick with it, you’ll avoid a lot of discomfort and surgical procedure. Changing back and forth a lot — whether it’s your belief system or your jugs — is uncomfortable and dangerous.  You risk infection in your mammaries and popularity.  That’s just the way it is, and no doctor prescribed 9mm can change it.”

Poking Box or High Tech Finger Pulling Joke?

Poking Box or High Tech Finger Pulling Joke?

In other news, a new Japanese toy lets you poke the inside of a box for endless fun.  Wired Gadgets reported last week that Bandai’s Tuttiki Bako (literally, ‘the poking box’) features a type of touch interface where you can ‘tease and harass the digital characters’ on-screen with your own finger.  According to the manufacturer, the box gives off a realistic sensation each time you touch a character, and you can see your own finger in the shadow-hand-style display. Apparently, this wonderful sounding feat is accomplished through motion sensors embedded inside the box. No word on what happens if other stuff is caught poking around in there or whether it’s FDA approved for the disabled and elderly, but word out of president-elect headquarters is that it’s getting a 500% tax when it comes to the U.S. in order to insure your safety.

(C) 2008 InebriatedPress.com

Suzanna Gratia-Hupp: What the Second Amendment is REALLY For
[Video at Google]

 

 

 

 

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Rogue Stem Cell Clinics, Abortion Gift Certificates, and Time Traveling

Clinics exploit hope with unproven stem cell therapies
Planned Parenthood is offering gift certificates for the holidays
Scientists snatch supernova echo from the 1500’s

Inebriated Press \ Division of Rant (with Pretzels)
December 5, 2008

081205-rogue-clinicsReuters reported yesterday that rogue clinics around the world are exploiting hope and ignorance by offering unproven stem cell therapies, a group of stem cell experts said in a new report. And the Chicago Tribune reported Wednesday that Planned Parenthood is offering gift certificates in $25 increments during the holidays, to be used for buying contraceptives or paying for abortions.  Meanwhile, Scientific American reported yesterday that scientists at the Subaru Telescope say they’ve traveled into the past and seen echoes of an event witnessed by astronomer Tycho Brahe in 1572.  Pundits are debating whether society is going forward, backward, or if it’s just more of the same, but with a high tech flavor.

Supernova

Supernova

“‘Whatever is has already been, and what will be has been before; and God will call the past to account’ — Solomon wrote that in Ecclesiastes, and he knew what he was talking about way before snake-oil salesmen plied their trade with unproven elixir they said would heal all your ills — the same as the stem cell people are doing today,” said Rachael Ray-Fiberglass, a part-time chef and full-time auto-body repair expert, who likes cooking up fun in old Chevy’s.  “There’s nothing new about what’s going on in today’s world. It’s as old as human nature itself.  I have little doubt that the Aztec’s handed out certificates that gave benefits to citizens who sacrificed their children for the holidays, and we know scams of all kinds have been going on forever.  People elected Obama for his change mantra and now he’s stocking the cupboards with Clintonites.  Nothing new is going on here.  Sure the country has moved further left and we’ll get higher taxes and a weaker military, but that’s been a Democrat thing for years. Everything is the same, only the trappings are different.”

Germany 1945

Germany 1945

Not everyone agrees with Ray-Fiberglass.  “Today’s civilization has advanced well beyond the barbaric days of snake oil and artery bleeding for healing, and no free woman should have to carry an unwanted child to term; we’ve outgrown old modalities. For crying out loud get over it,” said Angel Golden-Rapunzel, who looks like her first name and frequently makes men drool but never notices.  “We should be using every tool and technology at our disposal to advance medicine and social enjoyment, by altering our genes, relaxing our beliefs about genocide and the value or devaluation of human life, and get on with the creation of a new age and a master race.  Hitler was pretty aggressive and probably should have toned it down a little, but he made significant advancements toward improving humanity through proper breeding and casually getting rid of undesirables. There’s nothing to fear here.  Some old things might be new again, but they’ve been updated for the better, with a modern approach and progressive philosophy.  If we could go back in time and get Adolph’s views on things, you can bet most of today’s true scientists would do it. The guy had foresight.”

Reuters reported that rogue clinics around the world may be exploiting hope and ignorance by offering unproven stem cell therapies, a group of stem cell experts said in a report released on Wednesday. The International Society for Stem Cell Research released guidelines for researchers and regulators, and a guidebook for patients that criticized some clinics. “The International Society for Stem Cell Research is very concerned that stem cell therapies are being sold around the world before they have been proven safe and effective,” the guidelines said. “The direct-to-consumer portrayal of stem cell medicine is optimistic and unsupported by published evidence,” Timothy Caulfield of the University of Alberta and colleagues wrote. For researchers and regulators, the group advises tough oversight and independent review. “Regulators have a responsibility to prevent exploitation of patients in their jurisdictions, and where necessary, to close fraudulent clinics and take disciplinary action against the doctors involved,” said Dr. George Daley of Children’s Hospital Boston.

Abortion at 10 weeks, Kansas 2008

Abortion at 10 weeks, Kansas 2008

The Chicago Tribune reported that Planned Parenthood is offering gift certificates in $25 increments available online and at 35 Indiana clinics, which can be used for health services, contraceptives and abortions. Betty Cockrum, president and CEO of Planned Parenthood of Indiana, characterizes the response to the gift certificates as “pretty robust, and generally very favorable.” She estimates that “about a dozen” certificates have sold since they became available Nov. 25. Planned Parenthood of Illinois plans to sell similar gift certificates starting Monday. PPIN’s move has enraged various anti-abortion organizations. Jim Sedlak, vice president of the American Life League and executive director of Stop Planned Parenthood, a group based in Stafford, Va., condemns the certificates as a continuation of Planned Parenthood’s “annual attacks on the Christian community at Christmastime.”
 

Time or Space?

Time or Space?

Scientific American reported that it’s not every day we get a chance to time travel. But astronomers say they’ve done a little traveling into the past. In November of 1572, legendary astronomer Tycho Brahe peered up at the night sky. He saw what looked like a strangely bright star in the constellation Cassiopeia. It was brighter even than the nearby planet Venus. He studied that bright new star for five months, until it faded away. But what Brahe saw wasn’t a new star. It was actually an old star undergoing the brilliantly bright death of a supernova. Scientists at the Subaru Telescope in Japan recently analyzed what could be called echoes of this more than 400-year-old event. Light from the original supernova bounced off dust particles in the interstellar clouds and eventually reached us here on earth more than four centuries later. They published their research in the December 4th issue of the journal Nature.

Some people say that whether light is old or new, shedding some of it on current trends with a bit of common sense gleaned from history, is the best way to advance society.

Misunderstood visionary leader

Misunderstood visionary leader

“We need to use caution when we begin to protect heinous killers on death row, and terrorists who indiscriminately behead those they disagree with, because we call ourselves civilized; but then create human embryos and destroy them for the stem cells, or destroy them because they are inconvenient or imperfect,” said a passing troll, often mistaken for a Republican right-winger.  “I’m not saying there isn’t a time and place to consider this, but when we become casual about it, and we shuffle genes and weak or powerless members of society like so many playing cards, we begin to walk a path where taking the lives of the innocent to benefit those in control leads to oppression and an authoritarian version of utopia.  Protection of the sick and the weak is what makes society what it is. It’s where we derive compassion and understand unconditional love.  Improvement through change can be made, but costs and tradeoffs are always present.  Abandoning love of life with both its strengths and weaknesses, and replacing it with economic or socially engineered efficiency and design, ultimately becomes oppressive and totalitarian.  Oh what the hell, hand me the Jack Daniels, I’ve had enough of this shit for one day.”

Curves that hurt

Curves that hurt

In other news, Sweden’s The Local reported Wednesday, that a Swedish woman injured in a car accident has had her disability benefits withdrawn after the country’s social insurance agency determined her large bust was to blame for the pain. “My breasts have been large since I got them. But I didn’t have any problems with pain before the car accident,” Jessica Andersson said. Andersson learned last week that the Swedish Social Insurance Agency was cancelling disability payments for whiplash injuries she suffered in a car accident six years ago. The agency’s decision comes following an assessment from a doctor suggesting that Andersson could return to work if she had breast reduction surgery. Andersson is currently considering an appeal of the ruling to have her payments withdrawn. No word on whether she got her boobs naturally or from a rogue clinic, but sometimes personal change, just like society’s, hurts as much as it helps.

(C) 2008 InebriatedPress.com

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Booby Traps, Money Saving Sex, and Muslim P.R.

Women with chloroform on their boobs knock out and rob men
Britons ‘saving money with sex’
Muslims worry about image after Mumbai terrorism

Inebriated Press
December 3, 2008

Thieving Cleavage

Thieving Cleavage

Agence France Presse reported last week that a gang of robbers in Uganda have been using women with chloroform smeared on their chests to knock their victims unconscious and rob them. And BBC News reported Monday that as the credit crunch bites, Britons may be turning to sex as a cheap way to pass the time.  Meanwhile Associated Press reported Sunday that many Muslims say they are worried that the carnage in Mumbai, India, brought on by Islamic militants may cause people to have negative feelings about their religion. Some pundits are debating the benefits of sex to save money or acquire it, while others ponder the notion that Muslims could gain positive public relations if they’d just stop killing people they disagree with.

“You don’t have to give away sex as a religion to gain popularity, or even use sex as a come-on to get good publicity. In most cases, not killing innocent people indiscriminately in public will be perceived as a good thing,” said Ahem Bacon, a religious expert and former Muslim who was persecuted because of his last name.  “If mainstream Muslims will come out against the terroristic behavior of people in their faith — and that includes coming out against Hamas, Al Qaeda, Iranian President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad, Hezbollah, the PLO, the rioters who protested cartoons in Demark, plus the legions of other Muslim whacko’s like them — maybe infidels who want to live safe and quiet lives will think better of them.  Of course if they’d open a few ‘Arabian Knight Hot-Babe Harem’ strip clubs or offer money-saving sex it wouldn’t hurt either, but that’s probably a stretch.”

Mubai Attack

Mubai Attack

Not everyone agrees with Bacon.  “No one named Bacon carries any weight in the area of religion or Sharia law, and such talk should be banned, and such people who suggest a Muslim speak against another Muslim for any reason, should be beheaded as should all infidels, god willing,” said Musomad High-Top Lincoln-Logg, a fair weather friend and scholar often confused with a thug.  “There should be no talk of sex or breasts unless the Muslim elders offer female children to tribal leaders for such occasions, then its fine.  Our laws allow men to do whatever they want and require women to be subservient on all occasions.  This is gods’ way and we will religiously enforce that among our people and eventually upon all tolerant civilizations who must ultimately bend to our will.  The Taliban and Al Qaeda display the true way for us to follow, and with the help of Saudi money we will continue to expand across Europe and America until we have obtained the greatest peace for all, as civilization comes under our thumb.  No more boobies or money saving sex for you unless you’re a member of our clan!”

Associated Press reported that ten gunmen attacked 10 targets in the three-day assault including a Jewish community center and luxury hotels in India’s commercial hub. More than 170 people were killed. Muslims from the Middle East to Britain and Austria condemned the Mumbai shooting rampage by Islamic militants as senseless terrorism, but also found themselves on the defensive once again about bloodshed linked to their religion. Intellectuals and community leaders called for greater efforts to combat religious fanaticism. Indian police said Sunday that the only surviving gunman told them he belongs to the Pakistani militant group Lashkar-e-Taiba. The group is reported to have links with al-Qaida.

Muslim wrought carnage

Muslim wrought carnage

Many Muslims said they are worried such carnage is besmirching their religion. In Britain, home to nearly two million Muslims, a spokesman for the Muslim Council of Britain, Inayat Bunglawala, said that “a handful of terrorists like this bring the entire faith into disrepute.” However, in Islamic Web forums, some praised the Mumbai attacks, including the targeting of Jews. A man identified as Sheik Youssef al-Ayeri said the killings are in line with Islam. In the Gaza Strip, the territory’s Islamic militant Hamas rulers declined comment. Hamas has carried out scores of suicide attacks in Israel, killing hundreds of civilians in recent years. Iranian President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad referred to the attacks as terrorism, but added that the violence is rooted in “unjust policies.” The Saudi Press Agency said that it “strongly condemns and denounces this criminal act.” However, Jonathan Fighel, an Israeli counterterrorism expert, said Saudi organizations have been funneling money to Muslim militants in Kashmir. “This demonstrates exactly the double game and, I would say, the hypocrisy of the Saudi regime,” said Fighel.

Money saving technique

Money saving technique

BBC News reported that a YouGov survey of 2,000 adults found sex was the most popular free activity, ahead of window shopping and gossiping. The article said that as the credit crunch bites, Britons are turning to sex as a cheap way to pass the time. The Scots were most amorous with 43% choosing sex over other pastimes, compared with 35% in South England. Aids charity the Terrence Higgins Trust, which published the survey, also welcomed recent figures showing an increase in condom sales. Around one in 10 respondents to the survey, carried in November, said their favorite free activity was window shopping and 6% chose going to a museum as the cheapest way to pass the time. But the sexes differed on their priorities, with women preferring to gossip with friends while men had sex firmly at the top of their list. 
 

Unsafe cleavage

Unsafe cleavage

Agence France Presse (AFP) reported that Uganda’s police are warning male bar-goers to be careful after a probe found a gang of robbers had been using women with chloroform smeared on their chests to knock their victims unconscious. “They apply this chemical to their chest. We have found victims in an unconscious state,” Criminal Investigations Directorate (CID) spokesman Fred Enanga told AFP. “You find the person stripped totally naked and everything is taken from him,” he said. “And the victim doesn’t remember anything. He just remembers being in the act of romancing.” Enanga, who explained that several types of heavy sedatives had been used, said he first came across the practice last year when an apprehended thief named Juliana Mukasa made a clean breast of the matter. While early investigations suggest that the gang may consist of dozens of members, the source of the sedatives remains unknown.

Some people say that sex and sedatives are the best way to combat fear of Islamofascism.

“Our increasingly ‘progressive’ and ‘tolerant’ Western societies are bending over backwards to accommodate intolerant and hateful Muslim religion while suppressing traditional Christian-Judeo faiths and even use of the words ‘Merry Christmas’ during the holiday season; and since the U.S. has decided to move further to the left by electing Obama, I guess the best we can do now is have lots of cheap sex and take plenty of heavy sedatives to remain calm and relaxed,” said someone claiming to be Doctor Joyce Brothers, an old pop psychologist drug out for all occasions.  “So forget being afraid and embrace a new fearless lifestyle, heck forget worrying about safe sex or radical Muslims and all the rest. They’re just alternative life-styles. We really should be more tolerant you know.  What’s a few beheadings, public massacres or a couple of STD’s?  No worries mate. Get it on.”

Dr Groper

Dr Groper

In other news, the UK Mail Online reported that Dr Parag Bhatt, 44, fondled the breasts of six female patients at his surgery over a five-month period, a court has heard. One woman went in with a suspected broken finger and had her breast massaged, while the GP groped another patient with one hand as he worked on a computer, it was alleged. One complainant was a 17-year-old who had dry skin around her nipple. Bhatt told her to take her bra off and lie on the couch. He started to play with her breasts with his fingers around her nipples and was breathing heavily. The doctor was arrested on October 4 last year. The hearing continues. No word on whether other doctors feel Bhatt may be hurting the image of their profession, but reports out of the mammography wing indicate plenty of boob pressing and grabbing is still going on unabated.

(C) 2008 InebriatedPress.com

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An eyeful a day keeps the doctor away

JONATHAN HAYTER
Sunday Mirror
Jun 11, 2000

Add years to your life

Add years to your life

STARING at women’s breasts is good for men’s health and makes them live longer, a new survey reveals.

Researchers have discovered that a 10-minute ogle at women’s breasts is as healthy as half-an-hour in the gym.

A five-year study of 200 men found that those who enjoyed a longing look at busty beauties had lower blood pressure, less heart disease and slower pulse rates compared to those who did not get their daily eyeful.

Dr Karen Weatherby, who carried out the German study, wrote in the New England Journal of Medicine: “Just 10 minutes of staring at the charms of a well endowed female is roughly equivalent to a 30-minute aerobics workout.

“Sexual excitement gets the heart pumping and improves blood circulation.

“There is no question that gazing at breasts makes men healthier.

“Our study indicates that engaging in this activity a few minutes daily cuts the risk of a stroke and heart attack in half.

“We believe that by doing so consistently, the average man can extend his life four to five years.”

She added that sexy stars like Dolly Parton, Heather Locklear, Anna Nicole Smith and Demi Moore had proved to be especially good for the men’s health.

mirror.co.uk

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Bin Laden Likes Hugs, Chemicals Erase Memories and The Sarah Palin Blow-up Doll Arrives

Camp-mate Says al-Qaeda Leader Likes Hugs, Not Kisses
Researchers Find Chemical That Erases Selective Memories
The New Sarah Palin Inflatable Love Doll by Topco

Inebriated Press
October 24, 2008

The Association of American Publishers (AAP), reported Wednesday that an Australian man currently on trial for receiving funds from al Qaeda, said that at an Afghan training camp where he met Osama bin Laden in 2001, the terrorist was polite and shy, he liked hugs but wasn’t fond of kissing. And Gizmodo reported Wednesday that researchers have found a chemical that has proven to target and erase specific long-term memories. Meanwhile, Topco Sales announced it’s newest product: the Sarah Palin Blow-up Doll. Pundits debate the benefits of hugging a real terrorist or fake woman, while some just want to forget everything and move on.

Sarah Palin, or not.

Sarah Palin, or not.

“The world has become a tabloid theme-park where ‘surreal’ is as natural as dirt, rocks and Democratic tax hikes,” said Babs Masterson, a western gal who wears a Colt 45, drinks Colt 45 and dates a guy named Colt who just turned 45. “Nothing is surprising anymore except surprise itself. Whatever that means. Listen, things have become so whacked up in America that somebody told me the other day that a junior Senator with no experience may be elected the president. I think they’re full of shit; no way people are that crazy. Still, the trends point to consistent weirdness punctuated by moments of real stupidity. I’m going to find the chemical that erases memories. Colt 45 does pretty good on the short term stuff, but I may have to block out the next four years altogether.”

Not everyone sees it the way Masterson does. “It’s comforting to know that bin Laden likes hugs and that I can order a blow-up doll of Sarah Palin to snuggle with,” said someone claiming to be Senate majority leader Harry Reid, as he sat contemplating the use of mind altering chemicals to make Americans forget Democrat tax relief promises, Barack Obama’s anti-American friends and Nancy Pelosi’s latest face-lift. “Anybody who likes hugs can’t be all bad, and when Barack sits down with bin Laden and Iran’s Ahmadinejad and chats about his plans to change America, I’ll bet they’ll be hugging and singing together like they were at a slumber party. Speaking of slumber parties, boy oh boy that Palin is one hot babe. I’m ordering a couple of those blow-up dolls so I’ll have extra. Bill Clinton asked me to get a couple for him too but not say anything to Hillary. She’d be pissed. But so what, she’s always pissed.”

AAP reported that Jack Thomas, a 35-year-old Melbourne man was at an old military camp in Afghanistan, where he got close enough to bin Laden to observe that the al-Qaeda leader was polite and shy, didn’t mind a hug, but wasn’t so fond of kissing. Thomas, from Werribee, Australia is standing trial for receiving funds from al-Qaeda and possessing a falsified passport. “He was definitely well loved,” Thomas said of Bin laden in an interview with Australian TV network ABC which was played in court last week. “(He) was very polite and humble and shy. He didn’t like too many kisses. He didn’t mind being hugged, but kisses he didn’t like.”

Huggable?

Huggable?

The report said the former Melbourne taxi driver revealed the insights into the goings-on at the al-Farouk camp, an al-Qaeda training base in Afghanistan before the September 11 attacks, in two interviews for the ABC current affairs programme Four Corners. In the interview, the Muslim convert said at the camp he felt “like a king, Robin Hood, as part of a band of merry men”.

Gizmodo reported that eerily similar to the memory-erasing concepts in the movie “Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind”, researchers have found a chemical that has proven to target and erase specific long-term memories, which could be useful in treating people with severe phobias or post-traumatic stress disorders. However, although these tests have been producing amazing results in mice brains, human memories are so much more complex that it could still be a while before you can forget that time you pissed your pants while giving your Abraham Lincoln presentation in the second grade, and Helen Vanderly, the cutest girl at school, pointed and laughed at you.

Erasable mind, forgotten promises.

Erasable mind, forgotten promises.

Technology Review said that for more than two decades, researchers have been studying the chemical–a protein called alpha-CaM kinase II–for its role in learning and memory consolidation. To better understand the protein, a few years ago, Joe Tsien, a neurobiologist at the Medical College of Georgia, in Augusta created a mouse in which he could activate or inhibit sensitivity to alpha-CaM kinase II. Tsien found that when the mice recalled long-term memories while the protein was overexpressed in their brains, the combination appeared to selectively delete those memories. “One thing that we’re really intrigued by is that this is a selective erasure,” Tsien says. “We know that erasure occurred very quickly, and was initiated by the recall itself.” Some people say memories of the past are the keys to the future.

“I remember when Reagan told the Ruskies to tear down the Berlin wall, and initiated the so called ‘Star Wars program’, and the Democrats called him a warmonger and a danger to the world; but the wall came down and the USSR collapsed,” said Clint Freman, a regular guy with no distinguishing features other than a few scars from Nam, who works hard to support his family, pay his taxes and occasionally grapples to control his pro-American tendencies. “I also remember Bill Clinton promising tax relief as a candidate and hiking taxes as president, and Jimmy Carter flummoxed on Iran and Reagan the candidate telling the Iranians to straighten up or there’d be hell to pay when he took office – and they did in Carters last couple days in office. You get peace through strength not fireside chats, even Teddy Roosevelt said ‘speak softly and carry a big stick’. We can pretend that socialism is okay and that the peaceniks who bombed the Pentagon were right, and that if we stop helping others fight for freedom it’ll make tyrants like us; but we’d be idiots. Sometimes it’s good to stop a moment and realize that for all of Americas blemishes, we’ve done more good for the people of this world in our short history, than all the promising dictators and socialists have ever done. We should think really hard before deciding to ‘change.’ Even hopeful change born by nice looking people with nice sounding words can be bad. No amount of chemicals will make me think America is bad. I have too many memories of the United States doing the right thing to forget them all without losing myself entirely. Now go vote for the war hero you candy asses.”

Not Sarah Palin

Not Sarah Palin

In related news, Topco Sales introduced an inflatable sex doll dubbed ‘This is Not Sarah Palin Inflatable Love Doll’ just in time for the hot and heavy presidential election. Soon to be available in stores and online, the ‘This is Not Sarah Palin Inflatable Love Doll’ is sure to liven up any town hall meeting, vice presidential debate, or caribou hunting party. The PR piece says: “Sarah Palin is one hot pundit! Sarah Palin bikini photos and sexy pictures of the republican vice presidential candidate are steaming up the Internet. With that in mind, we here at Topco Sales wanted to give the public a piece of the beauty pageant queen in time for the erection…I mean election,” says Autumn O’Bryan, Director of Product Development for Topco Sales. “This blow-up sex doll could really satisfy the swing voters.” Novelty distributors are urged to contact their Topco Sales account executive to order the ‘This is Not Sarah Palin Inflatable Love Doll’, found under the TLC line of products. No word on if alpha-CaM kinase II is included so you can erase embarrassing moments when you’re caught playing with the doll, but we can hope.

(C) 2008 InebriatedPress.com

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