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Air is Killing You, Dagger-Dicking is Damaging, and Brazilian Monkey Nuts get the Axe

> Obama’s EPA declares the air you exhale a public danger
> Jamaican doctors report increase in rough sex injuries to men parts
> Brazilian monkeys to loose testicles

Inebriated Press
April 20, 2009

Greenhouse gas

Greenhouse gas

The Wall Street Journal reported Friday that the U.S. Environmental Protection Agency (EPA) issued a finding that carbon dioxide — the air you exhale — is a greenhouse gas and poses a danger to the public.  This sets the stage for a battle over regulations that could have far reaching impact on Americans.  And, the U.K. Sun reported that Jamaican Doctors say there’s been an increase in injuries to men caused by rough sex referred to as “daggering” which can result in permanent penile damage.  Meanwhile, health officials in Brazil say they must catch Capuchin monkeys and give them vasectomies in order to control disease. Inebriated reporters who have stopped holding their breath, thus giving up on trying to save the world, are now contemplating the risks of rough sex, and disease caused by monkey testicles.

Someone named Holly

Someone named Holly

“It’s pretty obvious that the world would be better off without human beings since we exhale warm moist air and that’s a greenhouse gas, and it’s destroying the planet and life as we know it.  I held my breath as long as I could hoping that it would slow the warming of the earth following the ice age, but if I keep it up I’ll just pass out and die.  Screw that,” said Holly McWarm-Boddy, an environmentalist-writer who also sells SUV’s and rough sex part-time.  “I don’t know about the benefits of cutting off monkey nuts but I have a feeling that the country would be better off if climate change guys like Al Gore had theirs clipped.  Maybe that’s just wishful thinking.”

Someone named Jenni

Someone named Jenni

Not everyone sees it the way McWarm-Boddy does.  “We have almost a hundred years worth of data and that proves the earth has only been warming since we started tracking it, and that everything was great for the previous million years.  We don’t know for sure what happened to the dinosaurs, but it was probably Republican-driven SUV exhaust channeling backward across time somehow and killing them.  Damn conservatives,” said Jenni Hyper-Gasse, a professional trivia expert who lives off of government grants and other people’s labor, for the good of humankind.  “Once the Obama administration puts new rules in place that caps the number of conservatives that can live in the U.S. and then gradually reduces them over time, we’ll finally get the environmental problems that plague the planet under control.  Humans are bad in and of themselves, but conservative humans are worse, and American conservative humans — especially white males — are basically terrorists.  The recent Department of Homeland Security report pretty much spells that out.  My guess is that we’ll have to cut the nuts off of most white American males — especially if they’re in the military — before this is all over, just to reduce the disease that is conservatism.  It’s kind of a shame because a few of them are cute and I like a little rough sex now and then with real men rather than the metrosexuals I hang out with.  Oh well.  We all have to sacrifice for the good of the planet.”

EPAThe Wall Street Journal reported that the U.S. Environmental Protection Agency on Friday issued a finding that carbon dioxide and other greenhouse gases pose a danger to the public, setting the stage for a battle over regulations that could have far-reaching impact on the U.S. economy. Unless superseded by congressional action, the EPA finding potentially could lead to a wave of new regulations, putting stricter emissions limits on a wide range of enterprises from power plants and oil refineries to automobiles and cement makers. Business groups have warned that using the Clean Air Act to control greenhouse gases could result in costly new burdens for businesses. Environmental groups have cheered the signals that the Obama administration would declare greenhouse gases a danger.

Save your breath, save the planet

Save your breath, save the planet

The House Energy and Commerce Committee will hold hearings this week on an Obama proposal to cap carbon emissions and sell tradable permits that businesses must buy to emit carbon dioxide. The EPA finding comes about two years after the Supreme Court found that carbon dioxide is a pollutant under the Clean Air Act and that the EPA can regulate it. The finding marks a significant turn in U.S. policy on climate change. It isn’t clear how quickly the Obama administration will act to start writing new rules based on the EPA finding.

Broken dagger

Broken dagger

The Sun reported that hospitals are treating a flood of agonized men for fractured penises due to a bizarre sex craze. Doctors in Jamaica report the number of cases has almost trebled in a year after a rise in so-called “daggering”. They say injuries occur during the fast, rough intercourse and can result in permanent damage. A doctor at Kingston Public Hospital on the island said: “We have noticed an increase. During very rigorous intercourse the man can hit the woman’s pubic bone and sustain a fracture. There is a loud popping sound, excruciating pain and swelling.”

Soon to be nutless monkey

Soon to be nutless monkey

NineMSN reported that the monkey business is about to end for some Brazilian primates. Health officials in the central city of Goiania plan to perform vasectomies on 25 wild, urban-dwelling monkeys to keep their population in check and control disease. They’re looking to catch male Capuchin monkeys in three city parks, each of which has about eight female mates. The animals will be netted, snipped and released. The parks’ monkey population has grown to about 170 in recent months, and project head Marize Moreira said on Thursday some have been found to carry yellow fever. Sick monkeys can’t pass the disease directly to humans, but mosquitoes that bite infected monkeys can transmit it.

Don't try building these at home; professionals only

Don't try building these at home; professionals only

In other news, the UK Metro reported Thursday that a man has been arrested in Spain for using veterinary instruments to perform breast and buttock implants on patients in his squalid home. The man, who reports say did not have a medical license, is believed to have charged patients between €250 and €500 to inject them with liquid silicone – using instruments designed for use by vets to inject animals. The injections were carried out in his home, which was reported to be filthy, and was also home to three dogs, one cat and a parrot. The man was arrested on Friday, following a complaint about a sub-standard breast enhancement. No word on whether he also cut off monkey’s nuts or repaired dagger damaged men’s dicks, but chances are he was exhaling carbon dioxide with no thought to the environment.  The bastard.

(C) 2009 InebriatedPress.com

EPA Calls Greenhouse Gases a Danger
http://online.wsj.com/article/SB123997738881429275.html#mod=djemalertNEWS

Forget scary eco-crunch: This Earth is enough
Environmental campaigners say we’d need five planets if we all lived at American standards. Catchy – but wrong
http://www.theglobeandmail.com/servlet/story/LAC.20090416.COLOMBORG16ART1953//TPStory/Comment

‘Daggering’ sex alert for blokes
http://www.thesun.co.uk/sol/homepage/news/article2379533.ece

Brazilian monkeys face vasectomies
http://news.ninemsn.com.au/article.aspx?id=802835

Fake doctor used vet tools for boob jobs
http://www.metro.co.uk/weird/article.html?Fake_doctor_used_vet_tools_for_boob_jobs&in_article_id=623247&in_page_id=2

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Black Car Ban, Hi-Tech Death Van, and the ‘Boob-Job Bandit’

> California plan may kill black cars
> China kills people in vans, harvests organs
> Boob Job Bandit get’s “Busted”

Inebriated Press
April 3, 2009

Boob JobMercury News reported last week that California is considering requiring automakers to use more reflective paint in an effort to battle global warming.  Car companies say this means the color black may end up banned in the state.  And the Daily Mail reported last week that China is using numerous “death van’s” to carry out executions around the country, and high-tech equipment preserves the victim’s organs for sale on the black market.  Meanwhile, the Metro reported earlier this week that a 30-year-old blonde who stole £8,000 worth of cosmetic surgery procedures was finally busted by police in California. Pundits are debating the benefits of fake boobs, organ traffiking and banning the color black.

Saving the world through distraction.

Saving the world through distraction.

“The only real way to save the world from the dangers of global warming and flat-chested women, is to ban all dark colors and harvest the organs of people we don’t like and sell them to fund breast implants,” said Hu Yu-Kiddn, an unemployed philosopher and fruitopian, currently Al Gore’s biggest fan.  “Most of the problems we will face in the future will be due to the end of the ice age and the decline in the size of women’s breasts in the industrialized countries. If we will detonate nuclear devises in earth’s atmosphere in such a way that the sun is blocked out, we may be able to save the earth by returning it to the ice age when humankind didn’t exist.  Lacking that, it’s important that the size of women’s breasts expand so we can keep our minds off our problems.  It may seem like a small thing, but let’s face it, the fate of the planet hangs in the balance.”

"The Power of Silicon"

"The Power of Silicon"

Not everyone buys what Yu-Kiddn is selling.  “I won’t argue about the benefits of breast size, because I control most men within the tri-state area since I bumped my knockers up to double-D’s, but blocking out the sun to save the earth is completely nuts,” said Alicia Ann Maidrite, a buxom blond rocket scientist and part-time hooker, whose book ‘The Power of Silicon’ has been translated into 50 languages.  “And whether it’s okay to harvest organs in the back of vans for sale in the black market, I’m not sure.  I’ve done shit in the backs of vans of questionable legality involving human organs and selling a service, but I didn’t actually chop off any organs, at least not most of the time.”

Black and dangerous

Black and dangerous

Mecury News reported that California’s Air Resources Board (ARB) has been mulling the relationship between automobile color and greenhouse gases.  This started a rumor that California was about to ban cars painted black. The board considered requiring reflective car paints and windshields. The premise was that a cooler car would require a driver to use less air conditioning, which would require less gasoline, which would mean fewer greenhouse-gas emissions. Several groups, including the Alliance of Automobile Manufacturers, which lobbies for the big automakers, complained that a draft proposal to change the car-painting process to make vehicles more reflective would “eliminate a significant number of vehicle colors” because darker colors absorb more heat. Even the ARB itself, in a PowerPoint presentation on the paint proposal, stated, “Jet black remains an issue,” though it never said the color should be banned. The board will vote at its June meeting on making car windshields and other glass surfaces more reflective. The new regulations would add up to $50 to the price of new car. 

About to lose his parts.

About to lose his parts.

The Daily Mail reported that after trials of a mobile execution service were launched quietly three years ago – then hushed up to prevent an international row about the abuse of human rights before the Olympics last summer – these vehicles are now being deployed across China. The number of executions is expected to rise to a staggering 10,000 people this year (not an impossible figure given that at least 68 crimes – including tax evasion and fraud – are punishable by death in China). According to undercover investigations by human rights’ groups, the police, judiciary and doctors are all involved in making millions from China’s huge trade in human body parts.

Developed by Jinguan Auto, which also makes bullet-proof limousines for the new rich in this vast country of 1.3 billion people, the vans appear unremarkable. They cost £60,000, can reach top speeds of 80mph and look like a police vehicle on patrol. Inside, however, the ‘death vans’ look more like operating theatres. Inside each ‘death van’ there is a dedicated team of doctors to ‘harvest’ the organs of the deceased. The injections leave the body intact and in pristine condition for such lucrative work. After checking that the victim is dead, the medical team first remove the eyes. Then, wearing surgical gowns and masks, they remove the kidney, liver, pancreas and lungs. Little goes to waste, though the heart cannot be used, having been poisoned by the drugs. The bodies cannot be examined. Corpses are driven to a crematorium and burned before independent witnesses can view them.

Historical precedent means it’s okay.

Historical precedent means it’s okay.

The Nazis used adapted vans as mobile gas chambers from 1940 until the end of World War II. With the ‘cargo’ dead, all that remained was for gold fillings to be hacked from the victims’ mouths, before the bodies were tipped into the graves. Now, six decades later, just like the Nazis, China insists these death vans are ‘progress’. The vans save money on building execution facilities in prisons or courts.

Arrested development

Arrested development

The Metro reported that a serial ‘Boob-Job Bandit’ has surrendered in court after being caught stealing cosmetic surgery procedures totaling more than £8,000. The 30-year-old blonde was tracked down by police using a serial number on her removed breast implants. Yvonne Jean Pampellonne allegedly replaced her breast implants and received liposuction at a clinic in California using a false identity to pay for the operations. She reportedly had the procedures but failed to show up to any follow up appointments. Her old breast implants were crucial to the investigation, meaning a surgeon at the Pacific Center For Plastic Surgery could track down her real identity from her previous surgeon. The boob-job thief will face court in Orange County, Southern California in May on charges of commercial burglary, grand theft and identity theft.

Bad build, bad sex

Bad build, bad sex

In other news, Reuters reported this week that obese men who undergo gastric bypass surgery will not only lose weight; their sex lives are likely to improve, too, new research shows. Dr. Ahmad Hammoud of the University of Utah in Salt Lake City, who led the study said obesity in men has been linked to low testosterone levels, high levels of estrogen, impaired fertility, and worse sexual quality of life. In the study Hammound found that two years after the men who’d had weight loss surgery had dropped an average of nearly 17 points from their BMI. Their estrogen levels had fallen significantly, while their testosterone levels had gone up. And all showed improvements on each of the four measures of sexual quality of life the researchers looked at: they were less likely to avoid sexual encounters, have difficulty with sexual performance, have little sexual desire, or report not enjoying sex.  No word on how they feel about organ traffiking, stolen boobs or the return of the ice age, but at least they’re having fun now.  And for many people, now is what it’s all about.

(C) 2009 InebriatedPress.com

Source articles:

Bunch of hot air? California isn’t banning black cars
http://www.mercurynews.com/ci_12013592?source=most_emailed

China’s hi-tech ‘death van’ where criminals are executed and then their organs are sold on black market
http://www.dailymail.co.uk/news/worldnews/article-1165416/Chinas-hi-tech-death-van-criminals-executed-organs-sold-black-market.html?ITO=1490

‘Boob-Job Bandit’ steals breast implants
http://www.metro.co.uk/weird/article.html?Boob-Job_Bandit_steals_breast_implants&in_article_id=596384&in_page_id=2

Weight loss enhances obese men’s sexual well-being
http://www.canada.com/health/sexual-health/Weight+loss+enhances+obese+sexual+well+being/1385709/story.html

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Women want bigger boobs, Dictator’s lie for legacy, Framed man gets jail

Breast enlargements increase 27 per cent
Castro lies about success
Man charged despite girlfriend admitting she framed him

Inebriated Press
January 5, 2009

Women are load'n up

Women are load'n up

The UK Sun reported Friday that more and more women are going for boob jobs, with breast enlargements increasing by 27 percent.  Newsweek reported Saturday that despite more and more Latin American countries being governed by the left, most don’t subscribe to the Cuban model, because Castro has been lying about his success.  Meanwhile, the Northwest Arkansas Times reported Friday that an Arkansas man faces charges of taking pictures of an underage girl taking a shower, even though his girlfriend admitted she took the pictures and framed him.  Pundits are debating whether fake boobs, fake leftist success and fake voyeurism should now be rewarded since we are in a “new era of change” where Barack Obama’s fake executive credentials qualify him for the highest office in the land.

“Perception has always been reality, but often in past years the truth has trumped the artificial and hindered the rewards due the fake; but that’s all changing now,” said Sandy ‘Silicon Heat’ Moore, a structurally sound political scientist and part-time stripper at the Cuban Cigar Express Lounge and Liars Club.  “It’s high time that silicon breasts, lies about boyfriends and leftist stories about success are rewarded the way they should be.  Craftiness and good looks are always more important than what’s real.  Finally American’s are understanding that, and that’s why Barack Obama is being celebrated like the second coming of god, even though all he’s done is been a candidate and a part-time community organizer.”

Nicola McLean & Silicon

Nicola McLean & Silicon

Not everyone sees it the way ‘Sandy Silicon’ does.  “You can only fake stuff for so-long before it comes back to bite you, and beauty is only skin-deep regardless of your chest size,” said Sissy Mary-Matron, a slender blonde sales rep and a weight-lifter at Knitters Heavy Yarn Shop.  “Fake boobs are great but don’t make up for stupidity or inner beauty and lies about the success of left-leaning governments don’t make for a solid economy or make nationalizing business the best in the long run.  And as far as lies about voyeurism goes, we’re living a reality-TV era where people value real stuff in fictional situations — like the recent American Idol version of the U.S. election.  I don’t like the trends and I think we lose in the end if we keep playing like this, but hey, its majority rules so away we go.”

The Sun reported that more women are splashing out on expensive boob jobs, new figures have revealed. The startling survey shows more girls – and fellas – are turning towards cosmetic surgery than ever before. Breast enlargements have increased a whopping 27 per cent – as women strive to look like babes Gemma Atkinson and Pamela Anderson. Tummy tucks also soared by a staggering 54 per cent and nose jobs by 40 per cent. Liposuction treatment rocketed too, says the report from the Harley Medical Group. Model Jodie Marsh boosted her bust to 32GG last year as she feared they would not stay “pert forever”. After the op Jodie said: “When gravity takes its toll, you’re left with boobs that really only look good in a push up bra – which is what mine had become. And I’d got to a point where I was like, I want them to look like this all the time, I don’t want to have to keep pushing them up.”

090105_fidel_castroNewsweek reported that many Latin countries are now governed by the left, but few subscribe to the Cuban model. The magazine said Castro’s claims of success have been greatly exaggerated. There is only one indisputable success the Castro regime can claim for the country — Cuba was the last large territory in Latin America to achieve independence from Spain (in 1898). Lacking most modern tools such as computers, Web access and current textbooks and a connection with the real economy, Cuba’s supposedly excellent education system would probably compare much less well to those of other Latin American countries in a survey that didn’t depend on the government’s own statistics. Much the same is true of the country’s famed health system. Castro did initially deliver decent first-level health care to millions of peasants and urban poor. But standards plummeted with the end of Soviet subsidies in the early 1990s, with no money, no access to technology. Many of the region’s countries are governed by the left. But with a few exceptions (Venezuela, Nicaragua, Bolivia and perhaps Ecuador), none of their leaders subscribe to the Cuban tenets of the past or the present. If anything, leaders like Luiz Inácio Lula da Silva in Brazil, Michelle Bachelet in Chile, Tabaré Vázquez in Uruguay and Alan García in Peru resemble a modernized version of the pre-Castro reformist left.

Gemma Atkinson plus science

Gemma Atkinson plus science

The Northwest Arkansas Times reported that a University of Arkansas employee faces charges for recording a teenage girl in the shower even though his girlfriend told police she did it to get him in trouble. Kevin Dale Robinson, 35, was charged Tuesday with possessing or viewing matter depicting explicit conduct involving a child and video voyeurism. Robinson is accused on Oct. 6 of possessing nude images of a 16-year-old girl and using a digital camera to secretly record her while she was taking a shower. Robinson, who works as a systems programmer for the UA’s information technology services department, told Fayetteville police when he was arrested Nov. 12 that he did not take the video recording of the teenage girl. On Nov. 13, Robinson’s longtime girlfriend, Lela Churchwell, told police that she had recorded the nude shower footage but told the victim and police that Robinson did it to get him in trouble. She said she tried to convince Robinson that he did it when he was drunk. She also told police she had become pregnant by another man and she planned to blackmail Robinson so he would move out of the house and she could stay there while he paid the mortgage. “Developments in the case” convinced prosecutors to file charges against Robinson even though his girlfriend claims she made up the story, said Mark Booher, 4th Judicial District deputy prosecutor. “It’s a bizarre case,” Booher said.

Some people say that life is bizarre and is about to get even more so as people abandon the desire for truth and common sense and pursue good times through illusion and pretend.

“As long as we’re having fun, who cares if life is built on truth or lies?  It’s all an illusion skating on top of relative ethics and designer morality anyway, let her rip, I say,” said a passing hoot owl occasionally mistaken for Charles Darwin but in a dress.  “Life is all about what you can get away with or pass off as truth in a way that benefits you.  If enough people buy what you’re selling you get money and power, if not, you rejigger your scheme and spin it another way.  The Bill Clinton administration taught us that and proved that it works.  If George W. had stained a few blue dresses and let the Islamofashists have their way he’d have been a hero in the media.  Of course he’d have been blamed for a few more attacks on the U.S. by terrorists, but we’d gotten used to that.”

Jenna Fischer in good lighting

Jenna Fischer in good lighting

In other news, Fox reported Friday that “The Office” star Jenna Fischer donned skimpy lingerie in the hilarious “Walk Hard: The Dewey Cox Story” early in 2008, and while most starlets are scared of flashing the flesh in front of dozens on a film set, Fischer actually thought this was way better than doing it at home. “In your house you don’t have a team of people lighting you perfectly. They can light your cellulite so you see it or don’t see it; it’s the most amazing thing. They can put makeup on your legs, you try on hundreds of outfits until you find the one that looks the most perfect on you,” Fischer said. “It really has nothing to do with whether you’re in shape or not. They can do pretty amazing things with any body type.”  No word on whether she likes Castro’s view of reality or if she thinks people who are framed should get prison, but word is she’s into the silicon lifestyle and hopes Obama will make breast enhancements mandatory in his national health care plan.

(C) 2009 InebriatedPress.com

Source articles:

More women going for bust
http://www.thesun.co.uk/sol/homepage/news/article2086840.ece

Castro’s False Claims of Success
http://www.newsweek.com/id/177685

Man charged despite girlfriend telling police she framed him
http://nwanews.com/nwat/News/72625/

‘The Office’ Star Jenna Fischer Tells the Naked Turth
http://www.foxnews.com/story/0,2933,475129,00.html

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