Tag Archives: cash

Teacher-Student Sex Legal, Dad Trades Daughter for Beer, and Prison Inmates Get Game Rooms

> Washington court rules teachers can have sex with students
> California dad sells 14-year-old girl for beer, meat and cash
> Report says California felons need gyms, music rooms, crafts and game rooms

Inebriated Press
January 19, 2009

090119-teachThe Seattle Times reported last week that the Washington Court of Appeals has ruled that State law does not bar teachers from having sex with 18-year-old students. And NBC Los Angeles reported last week that a 36-year-old California man was arrested and booked in the Monterey County jail for selling his 14-year-old daughter for $16,000 and 100 cases of beer, along with several cases of meat.  Meanwhile, the San Francisco Chronicle reported last week that a California court-appointed receiver tasked with overhauling the state’s prison health care system has recommended that criminals be provided with aerobics and yoga classes, workout rooms, handball courts, a basketball court, music room, a crafts room, game room and “therapy kitchen”. Pundits are debating whether everyone on the west coast has lost their minds and it’s time to sell it to the Chinese, or whether they should sign on to the new trends and franchise them across America for big money.

“I’ve been fighting for ethics and common sense for the past decade and seems like I’m fighting trends that won’t quit,” said Zesty Perlman, an ethicist and part-time vagrant and electrician.  “And with the downturn in construction it seems like nothing I do pays.  If I could franchise the development of a chain of schools and prisons where teachers and students have sex, prison inmates get ammenaties like high-end condo communities, and I produce an electronic trading platform where parents can market their children in exchange for commodities, I think I can make some serious coin.  I guess it’s time I bail on the no-pay moral effort and cash in on the immoral west coast trade.  I can’t get shit for promoting good behavior, but if I screw up and lose millions in some immoral business play the government will bail me out.  I might as well get with the New America program.  It won Obama the election.”

090119-meatNot everyone agrees with Zesty Perlman.  “Just because part of the country has lost it’s marbles doesn’t mean the rest of us should give up and play the game that they’re playing; besides its wrong for teachers to screw students, and parents to sell children, and criminals to be rewarded for murder, rape and robbery, no matter what California believes,” said Zelda ‘Big Bang’ McGuire, a physicist and part-time hooker, whose nick-name originates from both professions.  “It’s wrong to let teachers pick-up students for sex at any age, because they hold an authority position over them at school and that makes the situation ripe for abuse.  And no person should be sold to another for any reason, no matter how good the meat or beer.  I think criminals should be in a dank cell and served bread and water and that’s it.  Prison should be uncomfortable, not a day spa.  I may think about science and turning tricks most of the time, but I only do it with adults in a free market and a fair trade environment.  Call me backward if you want to, but if this west coast shit is progressive we’re all screwed … and not in a good way.”

090119-montage-debra-lafaveThe Seattle Times reported that state law does not bar teachers from having sex with 18-year-old students. That’s the decision of a three-judge panel of the Washington Court of Appeals, which ordered the dismissal of a case brought against Hoquiam High School’s former choir teacher. The teacher, Matthew Hirschfelder, was charged with first-degree sexual misconduct with a minor. He challenged a judge’s refusal to dismiss his case. The appeals court unanimously agreed that the state law is vague, and that the state Legislature only intended to forbid sexual contact between school employees and students who are 16 or 17. Hirschfelder was 33 in 2006, at the time of the alleged relationship with the young woman. He resigned the next year.

Marketable 14-year-old?

Marketable 14-year-old?

NBC Los Angeles reported that Greenfield, Calif., police said Marcelino de Jesus Martinez, 36, was arrested and booked in the Monterey County jail after selling his daughter for marriage and then calling police to complain that her buyer had not paid off his debt. Martinez arranged for his 14-year-old daughter to marry Margarito de Jesus Galindo, 18, for $16,000 and 100 cases of beer, along with several cases of meat and other items. After the girl moved in with Galindo, Martinez called police to complain that he hadn’t been paid. Police said he asked for their help getting his daughter back. Martinez’s daughter did return home, but he was arrested and booked on suspicion of bartering her –– “receiving money for causing person to cohabitate.” Galindo, the intended buyer/groom, was booked on suspicion of statutory rape, police said.

The San Francisco Chronicle reported that aerobics and yoga classes, workout rooms and open-air courtyards were just a few of the amenities recommended for California’s hospitalized felons in a draft report for the court-appointed receiver tasked with overhauling the state’s prison health care system. The recommendations called on the cash-starved state to spend $8 billion on seven new hospitals – each roughly the size of 10 Wal-Mart stores – to replace a decrepit health care system. The draft report, posted on Clark Kelso, the court appointed receiver’s Web site, said the new hospitals’ environment “should be ‘holistic’ in expression.”

Wellness Center

Wellness Center

The report also suggested that the new prison hospitals include: Workout rooms to “promote wellness,” featuring exercise machines and space for “therapeutic activities such as aerobics, yoga, (and) group exercise.” Plus handball courts, gymnasiums with a basketball court and a music room, a crafts room, game room and therapy kitchen. Also, outdoor courtyards “where patients will be encouraged to participate in recreational therapy programs such as horticulture.” And outdoor running tracks. The report also said there should be day rooms for patients featuring a “quiet room for reading and study, as well as a separate room for group TV watching.”

Some people say that the criminal element deserves a better life-style than hard working tax-payers because they are more clever.

“Taxpayers are morons and don’t deserve good lives because they’re like sheep that just go along with whatever the polticians and the churches tell them; they deserve nothing,” said a professional criminal who requested that his name not be published out of fear that someone may give him what he really deserves rather than what the State of California wants to provide for him.  “As a career criminal I’ve worked hard to be creative and take whatever I wanted and I’ve fought against the ‘greater good’ of politicians and religious leaders who lack a clear view of the value of self-centeredness.  It’s people who only care about themselves who really built civilization — heros like Hitler and Stalin.  Only futurists like Iranian President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad really understand this.”

090119-beer-runnerIn other news, The Saint Petersburg Times reported that a new service called The Beer Runners’ started in Florida when founders were too drunk to drive but wanted more beer. The Beer Runners’ concept is simple. You give them a call, they take your order — $20 minimum — and if you’re within 3 miles of the store, the delivery charge is $5, or 65 cents per mile after that. Their prices are typical — $4.25 for a pack of Marlboros, $5.91 for a six-pack of Miller Lite.  Business has trickled in, they’ve had about a dozen or so orders so far and plenty of curious passers-by and job seekers. “We’ve had more applications [for jobs] than we’ve had delivery orders,” said Rhoda Matrisciano, 40, a teacher at Montessori Prep Academy in Temple Terrace, and one of the services founders. No word on whether Matrisciano has been having sex with her students or plans to trade her kids for commodities, but at least she isn’t driving drunk, so she’s got that going for her.

(C) 2009 InebriatedPress.com

Source articles:

Appellate court rules teachers can have sex with 18-year-old students

Dad Sells Girl, Calls Cops to Complain He Wasn’t Paid

Plush hospitals for state’s felons

Pasco beer delivery service gets rolling

Comments Off on Teacher-Student Sex Legal, Dad Trades Daughter for Beer, and Prison Inmates Get Game Rooms

Filed under Humor, IP News