Tag Archives: child porn

Cleared to Orgasm before 11pm, Legalizing Illegal Immigrants, and the Swedish Child Porn Library

> Standards Authority OKs Orgasms on Early Evening TV
> Obama to Legalize 12 million Illegal Aliens
> Swedish National Library Reported for Child Porn
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Inebriated Press
April 10, 2009

Orgasm before 11pmThe UK Telegraph reported Wednesday that a ruling by the Advertising Standards Authority says it’s okay if women orgasm on television before 11pm, or at least appear to do so.  And the New York times reported Wednesday that U.S. president Obama will initiate a plan to make legal status possible for an estimated 12 million illegal immigrants.  Meanwhile, The Local reported Monday that Swedish child protection groups are attempting to stop the distribution of the National Library’s collection of child pornography.  The library holds large quantities of pornography, featuring children as young as 10-years-old. Inebriated reporters, stumbling around half naked behind a local strip club, have come in out of the rain long enough to debate why some people are bothered by any of this news. 

Someone named Sandy

Someone named Sandy

“Since all ethics are subjective and arbitrary, people who argue on behalf of common sense saying that child porn is wrong, or that illegal immigration is against the law, or that sex on TV during childrens viewing hours is bad somehow, are all confused and irrelavant.  They say there’s some value to social stability, and that child abuse is bad,” said Sandy Twisted-Deviant, a pretend reporter of no repute, who hopes the decision by the Standards Authority will somehow result in her having an instant orgasm each evening at 10pm.  “Rule of law is an old-fashioned standard foised upon humankind by hard ass old timers who held the silly idea that individual human beings had value that should be protected, and that individual rights were ‘bestowed on them by their creator, and that among those rights were life, liberty and the pursuit of happiness’.  It’s a bunch of clap-trap.  The State gives rights and decides how to value them.  The idea that an indivdual human life has any value went away when we decided to kill unborn kids, and that happened centries ago.  Silly reform type people are clinging to irrational logic.  There are no rules.  Chaos is natural and should be embrased.  Based on his policy initiatives, Barack Obama understands this.  The old America is gone baby.  And good ridance.”

Someone named Nancy

Someone named Nancy

Not everyone agrees with Twisted-Deviant.  “Sex on TV during kids viewing hours, legalizing law breakers, and State sanctioned child porn distribution systems, demonstrate a decline of civil society into a morase of relativism and arbitrary ethics.  It’s like a black hole sucking away truth, justice, freedom, love and beauty — all the things that make humanity different from the animals,” said Nancy Happi-Halo, a conservative social activist disguised as a hot blonde nuclear physicst.  “The concept of rights derived from god and endowed upon human beings makes taking it away wrong, and defending it a core principle of both religion and human duty.  Lacking that, Twisted-Deviant has a point, human ethics are whatever we make up.  The founders of the United States understood that, having lived in Europe and under the changing ethics of whatever king was in charge at the time.  I know that interpretation of god’s will is the reason hundreds, maybe thousands of religions have all popped up and are fought over.  Yet within each of them is the kernal of ‘fairness’.  And its the key, unless it’s perverted in an attempt to oppress some sex, or person, or group.  I’ve concluded that being a ‘god and guns’ person, like the original American founders, gives me the best shot at living in a country with real freedoms, rights and economic opportunity and stability.”

Daylight OrgasmThe Telegraph reported that the Advertising Standards Authority cleared an advert promoting orgasm enhancing gel. It was given a post-11pm restriction by the TV ad clearance body Clearcast, but ran on Channel 4 at 10.05pm, prompting a complaint to the ASA that it was “offensive and overly graphic”. The advert for Durex Play O Orgasmic Gel featured a montage of silent clips of women who appeared to express sexual ecstasy set to an excerpt from Mozart’s “Magic Flute”. A female voice-over stated “Feel like never before. New Durex Play O. Pleasure enhancing gel for women. Durex Play, all you need.” The ASA said that despite the ad being run earlier than Clearcast’s scheduling advice it considered the TV ad was “unlikely to cause offence to viewers”. The decision comes just over a week after the ASA recommended that the whole system be liberalised to allow pre-watershed adverts for condoms and abortions.

Obama gets illegal's backing

Obama gets illegal's backing

The New York Times reported that President Obama plans to begin addressing the country’s immigration system this year, including a plan to make legal status possible for an estimated 12 million illegal immigrants. Mr. Obama will frame the new effort — likely to rouse passions on all sides of the highly divisive issue — as “policy reform that controls immigration and makes it an orderly system,” said the official, Cecilia Muñoz, deputy assistant to the president and director of intergovernmental affairs in the White House. Mr. Obama plans to speak publicly about the issue in May, administration officials said, and over the summer he will convene working groups, including lawmakers from both parties and a range of immigration groups, to begin discussing possible legislation for as early as this fall. In broad outlines, officials said, the Obama administration favors legislation that would bring illegal immigrants into the legal system by recognizing that they violated the law, and imposing fines and other penalties to fit the offense. Anticipating opposition, Mr. Obama has sought to shift some of the political burden to advocates for immigrants, by encouraging them to build support among voters for when his proposal goes to Congress. Administration officials emphasized that many details remained to be debated.

Swede Child Porn Library

Swede Child Porn Library

The Local reported that the Swedish national library will be reported to the police for the possession and distribution of child pornography by two Swedish child protection groups, Hand i Hand (literally: hand in hand) and the Föreningen Anhöriga Till Sexuellt Utnyttjade Barn (ATSUB – The Association of Relatives to Sexually-abused Children). Birgitta Holmberg at ATSUB told The Local on Monday that the purpose of the police report is two-fold. Firstly to put a stop to the distribution of the National Library’s collection of child pornography, and secondly to expose how much of the library’s collection has been copied. The existence of the National Library’s collection of child pornography emerged after a visit by the writer Valentin Bart in November 2008. Not only does the library hold large quantities of pornography, featuring children as young as 10-years-old, but access to the material was straightforward, and easy to get and copy. “We want strict licensing and control of researchers,” Holmberg said.

Hire me baby, I'm new and improved

Hire me baby, I'm new and improved

In other news, Reuters reported Wednesday that when the going gets tough, some of the tough get going to the plastic surgeon’s office. Some surgeons and patients are now citing increased interest in surgery among people wanting to look younger and “fresher” for the ever-competitive job market. The American Society of Plastic Surgeons released a recent survey showing that American women were looking at cosmetic surgery to get a competitive edge in the workplace. About 13 percent of the 756 women surveyed, between the ages of 18 and 64, say they would consider having a cosmetic medical procedure to make them more confident and more competitive in the job market. Manhattan plastic surgeon Stephen Greenberg saw an opportunity in this growing trend and recently began promoting a “Job Fighter Package” for men and women.

“We’ve probably done no less than 50 to 60 tune-ups since launching the package about five months ago,” Greenberg said, noting that not all the “tuneups” have involved surgeries, but also less costly and invasive procedures like cosmetic injectables. No word on the doc’s feel about TV orgasms, State sanctioned library child porn distribution or legalizing illegal immigrants, but if it allows them to create a “child porn fighter” package, or “free the illegals” package, and gets them an orgasm before 11pm, you can bet they’ll be big-time supporters.  Let chaos rein.

(C) 2009 InebriatedPress.com

Source articles:

Women may orgasm on television before 11pm
http://www.telegraph.co.uk/culture/tvandradio/5124704/Women-may-orgasm-on-television-before-11pm.html

Obama to Push Immigration Bill as One Priority
http://www.nytimes.com/2009/04/09/us/politics/09immig.html

Swedish national library reported for child porn
http://www.thelocal.se/18704/20090406/

Plastic surgery is latest accessory for job seekers
http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/30112465/

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Filed under Division of Rant (with Pretzels), Humor

Microsoft jabs Apple; Child Arrested for Her Own Nude Pictures; and, Moron Terrorist Blows Himself and Friends to Bits

> Microsoft Knifes Apple over High Prices
> 14-Year-Old Girl Arrested for Child Porn; Posted Pic’s of Herself
> Suicide Bomber Accidentally Blows Himself Up, Plus Six Other Terrorists

Inebriated Press
March 30, 2009

MySpace Gal, Mmm not 14

MySpace Gal, Mmm not 14

PC World reported Friday that Microsoft has set off a class war between Windows and Mac fans.  In a new ad “Lauren” tries to buy a laptop that costs less than $1,000 and ends up buying a Windows machine.  And Associated Press reported last week that a 14-year-old New Jersey girl has been accused of child pornography after posting nude pictures of herself on MySpace.com — charges that could force her to register as a sex offender if convicted.  Meanwhile, Reuters reported that an Afghan suicide bomber accidentally blew himself up, killing six other terrorists as he was bidding them farewell to leave for his intended target.  Inebriated reporters have taken up sides in the Windows vs. Mac war and have been keeping up a steady torrent of obscenities, pausing only for booze, tobacco and an occasional web search during which they try to guess the ages of girls in porn postings.

Someone named Tom

Someone named Tom

“Sometimes it’s hard to guess the girls ages when they’re wearing a lot of makeup and stuff, especially if they’re structurally mature,” said Tom Thumb-Naile, an Inebriated reporter pretending to be someone else.  “What I know for sure is that the Mac users are bunch of whiners regardless of what their age is.  I wouldn’t be surprised if that idiot bomber who blew himself and his buddies up was a Mac user.  Think of it, wasting all your money on an Apple when it’s not the global standard and most software won’t even run on it.  It’s stupid.”

Not everyone agrees with Thumb-Naile.  “So you pay a little more for quality and innovation, it’s worth it.  And why screw with a 14-year-old kid who still needs to grow up?  Pull down the vid’s and let her alone.  It’s time the adults pay attention to grown-up stuff and guys start looking for hot mature women and Apple computers to provide for their needs,” said Charlotte Chase-Brown, a hot mature woman with an Apple computer, fully capable of meeting any man’s needs and a few women on the side.  “And that terrorist who blew himself up along with an inventory of other terrorists — I wonder how many virgins will be lining up in hell for that bunch of idiots — they’ll be lucky to score a couple 14-year-old girl MySpace videos! Goofballs.”

Mac v PCPC World reported that faster than you can say Red State vs. Blue State, Microsoft’s latest ad has set off a class war between Windows and Mac fanboys. If you haven’t seen the ad, basically, shopper Lauren tries to find a laptop under $1000 and ends up getting a Windows machine. In the past, Windows boys have let Microsoft do all their public dissing for them, taking shots at the Apple Tax, shortcomings of the iPhone and even the Apple logo. But since Microsoft pulled out the long knives with its latest commercial spot, warriors of both stripes are reaching out from their basement caves for an epic Windows vs. Apple battle.

PC World wasn’t the only place that fights broke out. Over at Gizmodo the Apple fans were defending their honor against Microsoft’s attack. Even poor, perky Lauren became a target in this bloody battle of words. “I don’t care if that broke b*tch can’t afford a Mac,” said pettiblay. “I would love to see a study where you give a couple people 2500$ and see which laptop they buy.”  Of course it wasn’t only the commenting crowd that was getting in on the action. Over at Microsoft Watch, Joe Wilcox said, “Oh, baby, this is exactly the kind of marketing Microsoft should be doing now. The emphasis is value, with Apple taking blows from Microsoft. Ouch.” We can expect more of these ads, as advertising dollars are flowing right now to get Lauren and her fellow shoppers in front of the March Madness audience.

MySpace Gals

MySpace Gals

Associated Press reported that a 14-year-old New Jersey girl has been accused of child pornography after posting nearly 30 explicit nude pictures of herself on MySpace.com — charges that could force her to register as a sex offender if convicted. The case comes as prosecutors nationwide pursue child pornography cases resulting from kids sending nude photos to one another over cell phones and e-mail. Legal experts, though, could not recall another case of a child porn charge resulting from a teen’s posting to a social networking site.

The investigation found that the girl had posted “very explicit” photos of herself, according to sheriff’s spokesman Bill Maer. The teen, whose name has not been released because of her age, was arrested and charged with possession of child pornography and distribution of child pornography. She was released to her mother’s custody. If convicted of the distribution charge, she would be forced to register with the state as a sex offender under Megan’s Law, said state Attorney General Anne Milgram. She also could face up to 17 years in jail, though such a stiff sentence is unlikely.

Wrong shoes, wrong brains

Wrong shoes, wrong brains

Reuters reported that a would-be suicide bomber accidentally blew himself up last week, killing six other militants as he was bidding them farewell to leave for his intended target, the Afghan Interior Ministry said. “The terrorist was on his way to his destination and saying good-bye to his associates and then his suicide vest exploded,” a statement from the ministry said. Taliban-led attacks in Afghanistan have escalated in the past year with suicide and roadside bombings insurgents’ weapons of choice. The incident happened in Helmand province in southern Afghanistan where mainly British troops are struggling against a growing Taliban-led insurgency.

Some people say that death is too good for terrorists and that terrorizing them is the only fair treatment.

“These Islamofascists cut the heads off of people they disagree with, they oppress women and abuse them, they want to destroy individual freedom and the values of the West,” said Martha Mayberry-Silicone, a free market economist and part-time stripper, currently headlining at the Bombs Away Strip Club and Economic Stimulus Office. “The only thing they fear is a piece of pig meat.  Absurd as that may sound.  So I say capture the sons of bitches and house them on pig farms.  When they can’t take it anymore and take themselves out, or we find them guilty and execute them, then bury them in the ground with a piece of ham by their side.  They’d start thinking twice about screwing with us if they know that only pigs and no virgins will be hanging with them in eternity.  Damn straight.”

Two-O'Clock Titty

Two-O'Clock Titty

In other news, NBC Bay Area reported last week that spring has sprung, and with it, so has the two o’clock tit. As drivers enter San Francisco via the Octavia Street off-ramp, and they crest the small hill at Haight street, if their trip is timed just right and the sun is out, they will be greeted by one of the funniest landmarks this city has to offer: the two o’clock titty. Because of the unique design of St. Mary Cathedral, and the positioning of it geographically, a distinct shadow that resembles a woman’s breast is cast both in the morning and in the afternoon on the West and East sides of the church, respectively.  No word on whether investigators will arrest the priests or architects for publically displaying porn, but weirder shit is happening.

(C) 2009 InebriatedPress.com

Source articles:

Microsoft Hits Apple Where it Hurts
http://www.pcworld.com/article/162084/microsoft_hits_apple_where_it_hurts.html

NJ girl, 14, arrested after posting nude pics
http://www.google.com/hostednews/ap/article/ALeqM5gebS2MKqUm9cqEj6s0Rv9gQVvY6AD97608480

Blundering Afghan suicide bomber blows up 6 militants
http://www.reuters.com/article/latestCrisis/idUSISL330182

Topless Peepshow at Cathedral in San Francisco
http://www.nbcbayarea.com/around_town/the_scene/SF-Cathedral-Hosts-Topless-Peepshow.html

MSN Video – Lauren
http://video.msn.com/?mkt=en-US&playlist=videoByUuids:uuids:0bb6a07c-c829-4562-8375-49e6693810c7&showPlaylist=true&from=shared

Comments Off on Microsoft jabs Apple; Child Arrested for Her Own Nude Pictures; and, Moron Terrorist Blows Himself and Friends to Bits

Filed under Humor, IP News