> Georgia lawmaker wants to end ‘birthright citizenship’
> Red Bull banned in Germany for containing Cocaine
> Convicted murderer out on ‘day release’ gets knocked up at hotel, gives birth to daughter
Inebriated Press
May 29, 2009
The Associated Press reported Monday that U.S. Representative Nathan Deal (R-Georgia) has proposed changing the long-standing federal policy that automatically grants citizenship to any baby born on U.S. soil, a move opposed by immigrant rights advocates. And, The Sun reported Tuesday that Germany has pulled Red Bull “energy drink” off all store shelves after routine food safety tests found that it contains cocaine, a Class A drug. Meanwhile, the Manchester Evening News reported that Lisa Healey, a convicted murderer serving life in prison, gave birth to a baby girl after getting pregnant at a hotel while on day release. Inebriated reporters all drugged up on Red Bull are supporting new regulations that allow anyone born on earth to be named a U.S. citizen if they want it, and receive national healthcare, just like murderers who get knocked up while taking time off from serving life in prison.
Someone named Elena
“Terrorists have the same rights as U.S. citizens and death row killers get free health care, so it only makes sense that we simply hand out U.S. citizenship to anyone who asks for it, and we give free health care to everyone who’s not in prison — it’s about fairness and equity to everyone who wants something,” said Elena Von Questionmarc, a part-time Inebriated reporter and part-time sober stripper, sometimes all on the same day. “President Obama says terrorists rights should be respected, and North Korean dictators placated, and Iranian nuke-heads befriended, and all god’s children should have free healthcare provided by idiots who work for a living. I can’t argue with that. Why would I? I may stop working myself for no particular reason and I’ll still want to be taken care of — receive government welfare and healthcare. It’s really my right as an American. There will always be some morons who will want to work. Let’s tax the hell out of them, it’ll serve them right for thinking that just because they work hard that they’re somehow better than other people who don’t. Quick, give me another hit of Red Bull before I quit quivering and start feeling depressed.”
Someone named Desiree
Not everyone agrees with Von Questionmarc. “Examples of foolishness abound in America today, but the proposal that babies born on U.S. soil shouldn’t get automatic citizenship unless at least one of their parents is already a U.S. citizen, isn’t one of them. It makes good sense. Why should being born on a patch of dirt grant you special privileges if your parents are on that dirt illegally? It shouldn’t. And national healthcare is a disaster wherever it’s been tried. Why do American socialists think they’re smarter than UK or Canadian ones? The whole idea is just plain silly,” said Desiree Disirable-Thinkr, a market analyst at the Lusty Virgin Healthcare Clinic and Battery Sales Warehouse. “As far as killer inmates getting knocked up on their day off goes, I think that’s a good example of abject stupidity on the part of the government. Killers will do whatever they want; I think that’s pretty apparent. Government shouldn’t allow them to perpetuate their kind, let alone be allowed in situations where it’s even possible. But at least Red Bull has cocaine in it. Finally I’ve been getting my money’s worth out of some damn thing.”
We're all Americans ... when we feel like it ...
The Associated Press reported that U.S. Rep. Nathan Deal, a Republican candidate for governor of Georgia, has proposed changing the long-standing federal policy that automatically grants citizenship to any baby born on U.S. soil, a move opposed by immigrant rights advocates. Supporters of Deal’s proposal say “birthright citizenship” encourages illegal immigration and makes enforcement of immigration laws more difficult. Opponents say the proposed law wouldn’t solve the illegal immigration problem and goes against this country’s traditions of welcoming immigrants. Deal and his supporters say the 14th Amendment wording was never meant to automatically give citizenship to babies born to illegal immigrants. Under Deal’s proposal, babies born in the U.S. would automatically have citizenship only if at least one of their parents is a U.S. citizen or national, a legal permanent resident of the U.S., or actively serving in the U.S. military. Supporters of the bill say automatic citizenship provides an incentive for women to risk coming to the country illegally. They call U.S.-born children of illegal immigrants “anchor babies” because, when they become adults, the children can sponsor their parents for legal permanent residency. Deal, who has submitted his bill to the House Judiciary Committee, said he’s not optimistic about it becoming law this year unless it is tacked onto another bill.
Hey there, want to score some really good shit?
UK’s The Sun reported that Red Bull Cola has been taken off the shelves in Germany after inspectors found traces of cocaine. Coca leaf extracts in the drink tested positive for the Class A drug in routine food safety tests. Officials said the cocaine levels were not a health risk — but the drug was banned in food. Red Bull insisted coca leaf was a safe flavoring and the drink should go back on sale.
Knocked up during lock up
The Manchester Evening News reported that convicted murderer Lisa Healey, 26, serving life in prison, became pregnant at a hotel while on day release. Now she has given birth to a baby girl and both are understood to be back behind bars at the mum and baby unit at Askham Grange prison in York. The father is Michael Dent who was serving time for drugs offences. Dent, who was at Moorlands open prison in Doncaster, met Healey when he went to Askham as a ‘prison representative’ at a forum about re-offending with civil servants, business leaders and charities. Healey was providing the catering along with other inmates. Healey was convicted of murder and sentenced to life in prison for torturing and killing Lily Lilly, a 71 year-old woman from Failsworth. Healey, who has served ten years of her life sentence, was allowed out on day-release from last year because she was deemed to be ‘of low risk to the general public’. Dent was released in September and Healey is due to be released next month although she will remain ‘on license’ for the rest of her life. It means she can be recalled to prison at any time if she misbehaves.
Some people say that since life-in-prison actually means about 10 years, that the term misbehavior means killing not more than two or three people.
Rules are flexible. Death tends to be less so.
“Ten years in the jug with barely enough freedom to develop a relationship, have sex, get knocked up and have a kid, is like a life time, so you have to cut the girl some slack and let her kill another person without locking her back up; I mean she should get some credit for the time she’s put in,” said someone claiming to be Sonia Sotomayor, Obama’s recent nominee to the U.S. Supreme Court. “The U.S. Constitution is a flexible document and should be a kind of guide but shouldn’t be taken literally. Judges need to create law as they see fit and take into account whether the situation involves thoughtful minorities and young girls who kill during innocent fun, or just asshole middle aged white guys doing business, or some idiots who think they deserve some Constitutional rights just because some old white guys in Philly thought they should have free speech and shit like that, back in the day. I’ve had a lot of my rulings overturned because they weren’t Constitutional, but now I get to define the Constitution as I see fit. Payback time boys. Now I get mine and by god, you’re going to get yours — they way I dish it out. Yee ha! And I say that with all humility.”
Girls just want to have fun
In other news, the Evening Sun Reported Tuesday that two girls kicked off a plane amid claims they tried to open a door at 50,000 feet have been arrested. Leanne Connor and pal Lynette York caused a national storm last summer after allegations of drunken antics on a flight from Kos to Manchester. The Salford pair were escorted off the jet after their actions forced the pilot to make an emergency landing in Frankfurt. They were arrested by German officials but later allowed to return home. Fellow passengers claimed they swigged from a bottle of vodka they took on the flight with them, abused staff and threatened to open the door. No word on what kind of penalty the girls may face, but if murder costs ten years and the freedom to get knocked up, a little vodka inspired terrorism on an airplane shouldn’t cost more than a few days in the jug and maybe confiscation of some vibrator batteries.
(C) 2009 InebriatedPress.com
Source articles:
Georgia lawmaker wants to end ‘birthright citizenship’
http://www.ajc.com/metro/content/metro/stories/2009/05/25/citizenship_bill.html
Red Bull drug ban in Germany
http://www.thesun.co.uk/sol/homepage/news/2448377/Germany-ban-Red-Bull-for-cocaine-traces.html
Killer pregnant on day release
http://www.manchestereveningnews.co.uk/news/s/1117115_killer_pregnant_on_day_release
Girls arrested over ‘air rage’
http://www.manchestereveningnews.co.uk/news/s/1117120_girls_arrested_over_air_rage
Note on Day Release from Merriam-Webster Dictionary:
day re•lease
Pronunciation:\-ri-ˈlēs\
Function:noun
British : a program in hospitals, prisons, and jails in which patients or prisoners are permitted to spend part of the day outside their institution of confinement studying, training, or working
http://mw4.m-w.com/medical/day%20release
Inebriated Press 
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