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Hearse Driver Breaks for Beer, “Pulling Out” Rivals Condoms, and Teacher Writes Book about Sex with Students

> Family waits at Cemetery while Hearse Driver Buys Beer
> Study: “Pulling Out” nearly as Effective as Condoms
> Woman teacher writes book describing sexual encounters with ‘favorite’ students

Inebriated Press
June 1, 2009

Beer, the sirens song

Beer, the sirens song

United Press International (UPI) reported Wednesday that the hearse driver for a funeral home stopped for a beer and failed to deliver a body to the cemetery while the family waited.  And CBS News reported Thursday that a new study claims withdrawal before ejaculation during intercourse, is nearly as effective at preventing pregnancy as condoms.  Meanwhile, Fox News reported Wednesday that a British teacher has been fired for publishing a novel describing sexual encounters with some of her students.  Pundits are debating the ethical risks and rewards of beer, condoms, and sex with children.

kareliya“There’s really nothing inherently wrong with teachers having sex with their students as long as the boys pull out soon enough and both the adult and child have been drinking heavily,” said some twisted bastard who will remain unnamed because she is likely to be nominated to the Supreme Court in the future.  “In a society where the random thoughts of a Hispanic woman trumps rule of law, white men and the U.S. Constitution, any freaking thing goes, and that’s how it should be.  Relative ethics, relative law, and sex with relatives and children are all fine.  There are no inherent rights or wrongs, it’s all up to whoever is in power to decide what’s good and bad, who’s happy or sad, who gives up most of their income and the slackers that it should be given to.  As far as the hearse driver who stopped for beer, let’s face it, it’s every person’s right to have beer. So what if the family waited in the cemetery wondering where the body of their loved one went.  The body was dead anyway so it didn’t care, and the family probably had nothing better to do than hang out.  If they’d been smart they’d have been someplace else slamming beer and having pullout sex.  Hope and change baby.  Let’s get with it.”

Someone named Lana

Someone named Lana

Not everyone agrees with the twisted bastard who discards morality and the Constitution, and will probably be on the Supreme Court defining both someday.  “Stopping off to buy beer when you should be delivering the body of a loved one to the family waiting at a cemetery is tasteless and rude — and I’m using kind words.  Go buy beer on your own time, after you’ve done your job.  And the idea that ethics are so relative and random that it’s okay for teachers to have sex with students and write books about it; or to promote the idea that not using condoms is no more risky than using them, is stupid, in addition to being wrong,” said Lana Ethical-Abbs, an account executive whose body and ethics are both lean, strong and attractive to many.  “Fire and then prosecute the teacher for illegal sexual contact with minors, fire the hearse driver and apologize to that poor family, then cut in-half the fee the mortuary was charging them; and then ignore the ridiculous ‘no-condoms are just as good as condoms’ study.  We need common sense and proper application of law, safe sex and beer acquisition.  It doesn’t seem that complicated to me.  But then, Obama just nominated a person to the Supreme Court who disagrees with the very Constitution she’ll be sworn to defend and correctly interpret, so I guess common sense isn’t in vogue anymore.  Liberal empathy is supposed to rule today.  Trouble is it’s funded by conservative taxpayer dollars and the erosion of both the rule of law and economic sustainability.  In the end it amounts to nothingness, the foundation is gone; it’s like ‘building ones house upon the sand’.  A family, society or a country can’t stay strong very long that way.”

HearseUPI reported that the hearse driver for a Bogota funeral home stopped for a beer and failed to deliver a body to the cemetery while the family waited, police said. The Latin American Herald Tribune reported Wednesday that relatives and friends of Tito Vasquez waited for several hours Sunday at the Campos de Cristo cemetery for the hearse to arrive so that they could bury their loved one. Vasquez’s family said they could not understand why his body was not being delivered for the funeral. Police said Vasquez’s body was eventually found in the hearse in the parking lot of a motel in Bogota’s San Bernardo neighborhood.

Jettison delivery! Bail! Bail!

Jettison delivery! Bail! Bail!

CBS News reported that most sexually active people don’t think that the pullout method is a very effective form of contraception, but according to a new study withdrawal before ejaculation during intercourse, is more than just “better than nothing,” and is nearly as effective at preventing pregnancy as condoms. The study, titled “Better than nothing or savvy risk reduction practice? The importance of withdrawal,” appears in the June edition of the journal Contraception. The authors found: “If the male partner withdraws before ejaculation every time a couple has vaginal intercourse, about 4% of couples will become pregnant over the course of a year. However, more realistic estimates of typical use indicate that about 18% of couples will become pregnant in a year using withdrawal. These rates are only slightly less effective than male condoms, which have perfect- and typical-use failure rates of 2% and 17%, respectively.”

Teacher and "favorite"

Teacher and "favorite"

Fox News reported that a British teacher reportedly has been fired for publishing a novel describing sexual encounters with some of her students. The fictional work “Stop! Don’t Read This” focuses on five of Leonora Rustamova’s “favorite” students at Calder High School and addresses the 39-year-old’s growing struggle to view her students as “kids.” She also writes about her tendency to flirt with students and allow them to flirt with and fantasize about her, according to the Daily Telegraph. In addition, the expletive-filled book featured stories of students drinking, skipping school and possibly using drugs. It also named other faculty members, including the school’s headmaster Stephen Ball, the Daily Telegraph reported. When she was suspended in January over the book’s release, more than 250 students and parents demonstrated in support of Rustamova, saying she was only try to encourage the students to read, the Telegraph reported. The school announced on Wednesday that she had been terminated following a disciplinary hearing into her conduct.

Some people say the teacher was simply using the same approach as Playboy’s Hugh Hefner because just at most men buy his porn magazine for the articles, most students are more interested in literature than sex.  A few others are just interested in silly old-fashioned writing and pre-Obama ideals.

Boring traditional American guy

Boring traditional American guy

“Give me a dusty old copy of Shakespeare over a glossy new Maxim any day, I’m way more into cryptic hard-to-read classic bullshit than some hot easy-to-see-through babe busting out of her clothes all over the place,” said some guy busting out of his clothes all over the place and probably lying like hell.  “Today’s ‘new’ trends like teacher-student sex, leaving people rot while you buy beer, and pullout contraception, are pathetic jokes.  Give me a gal with old-fashioned common sense, an in-shape body that will sustain her health in the long run, some old-school Trojans for that ‘just-in-case’ moment, and a couple Jack Daniels on-the-rocks after work.  That may sound boring as hell to some anti-Constitutional relativist who’d rather bang some school children, but my way built America and sustains it today.  It’ll continue sustaining it if the voters will pull their heads out of their asses long enough to elect some leaders who believe in limited government, lower taxes and a free market economy.  It’s time to get our shit together and get back to boring old traditional-American values.  The pretty boy in the White House isn’t doing us any favors.  Believe me.”

no-parkingIn other news, Florida’s St. Petersburg Times reported that Tarpon Springs police blame a local developer for installing fake “no parking” signs around a popular city restaurant that resulted in 233 tickets being written in a two-year span. At the same time, acting police Chief Robert Kochen acknowledged his department’s failure to properly handle the matter. In a 23-page report released this week, Kochen said developer Mike Bronson admitted recently to installing the signs along the city’s right of way after initially denying it. The report says criminal charges against Bronson would not be feasible at this time, but makes no mention of other possible penalties. Kochen said:” The Police Department’s patrol officers were doing their job and they had no reason (at the time) to believe any of these signs may have been unauthorized by the city.”  No word on how the police feel about hearse drivers buying beer instead of delivering bodies, or underage teacher-student sex, but since they were faked out by pretend no-parking signs it’s a good bet that they’re probably also faked out by the “benefits” of no-condom contraception.  But I could be wrong.  It seems that after two-years and a 23-page report they eventually figure shit out.

(C) 2009 InebriatedPress.com

Source articles:

Hearse driver stops for beer
http://www.upi.com/Odd_News/2009/05/27/Hearse-driver-stops-for-beer/UPI-85171243471695/

“Pulling Out” Rivals Condoms, Study Says
http://www.cbsnews.com/stories/2009/05/28/health/main5045514.shtml

Better than nothing or savvy risk-reduction practice? The importance of withdrawal
http://www.guttmacher.org/pubs/journals/reprints/Contraception79-407-410.pdf

Report: British Teacher Fired for Writing Racy Novel About Her ‘Favorite’ Students
http://www.foxnews.com/story/0,2933,522407,00.html

Teacher sacked over racy novel that named students
http://www.telegraph.co.uk/education/educationnews/5393597/Teacher-sacked-over-racy-novel-that-named-students.html

Fake ‘no parking’ signs fool Tarpon Springs police, who write 233 tickets near Tarpon Turtle restaurant
http://www.tampabay.com/news/localgovernment/article1005017.ece

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China Demands Citizens Smoke, Van Gogh Lost Ear over Hooker, and McDonald’s Happy Meal Condom Giveaway

> Chinese Government to Fine Citizens if Cigarette Smoking Target not Met
> German Historians Discover Van Gogh’s Ear Cut Off in Fight over Prostitute
> 7-Year-Old Girl Finds Condom in McDonald’s Happy Meal

Inebriated Press
May 6, 2009

Making quota for the good of the State

Making quota for the good of the State

Agence France-Press reported Monday that officials in central China have been told to smoke nearly a quarter million cigarettes this year.  If they fail to meet the target they’ll be fined. And the Daily Mail reported Tuesday that German historians have completed a 10-year study and determined that Van Gogh’s ear was cut off by a friend of his with whom he was having a dispute over a hooker.  Meanwhile, Associated Press reported Monday that police are investigating a 7-year old girl’s discovery of a condom in her McDonald’s Happy Meal.  Pundits are debating the risks and benefits of smoking cigarettes, fighting over hookers and a condom distribution system using Happy Meals.

Some kinda Hapi

Some kinda Hapi

“Any time you can get condoms or other forms of birth control to children at any age, it’s a benefit because it’ll reduce the risk of unwanted pregnancy.  In fact looking over the data on child pregnancy shows that since the news broke of the McDonald Happy Meal Condom Giveaway, 7-year old girls have reported zero pregnancies,” said Hapi Nuttcase, an intellectual giant and part time ACORN executive.  “Now if we can increase smoking in the U.S. it will add tax revenue that we need to help fund other health initiatives.  I’m lobbying cigarette manufacturers now to increase the amount of nicotine in cig’s so that they’re more addictive.  It’s an important key to a strong economy.  As far as loosing an ear over a hooker goes, it depends on how good the hooker is and why the guys couldn’t take turns.  It’s too bad Barack wasn’t there to help them work out a quota system so both artists could routinely get screwed without losing body parts.  Still, it’s to our benefit that he’s here now and is carefully managing the federal government’s screwing process of Americans.  For the first time in my life I’m proud of this country.  I guess I’ve got that in common with Michelle.”

Rhapsody, three times

Rhapsody, three times

Not everyone thinks the way Nuttcase does.  “It’s wrong to tax people for addictive habits, and that’s true whether you’re in China, the U.S. or someplace else.  It’s coercive and immoral.  If what they’re doing is really wrong, then make a law to ban it, otherwise, let them alone,” said Rhapsody Inblu, a sensual musician with classic beauty and uncommon common sense.  “And there isn’t a hooker in the world worth fighting over, no matter their looks or level of experience.  I mean ultimately an orgasm is an orgasm is an orgasm.  I suppose the path to getting there is the deal, but good as that might be, chopping an ear off instead of waiting in line is a bit drastic.  As far as condoms in Happy Meals go, what the hell, we put fluoride in our water.  Next it’ll be Lipitor and Viagra.  We’d have it already if it was up to the drug companies.  I can see a Pfizer-McDonald’s co-branding deal in the future.  And Happy Meal’s for adults with sex toys is probably the follow up.  With a name like ‘Happy Meal’ the possibilities are endless.”

Smoking Babe, or Babe Smoking. You make the call.

Smoking Babe, or Babe Smoking. You make the call.

Agence France-Press reported that officials in a county in central China have been told to smoke nearly a quarter million packs of locally made cigarettes annually or risk being fined, state media reports. The Gong’an county government in Hubei province has ordered its staff to puff their way through 230,000 packs of Hubei-produced cigarette brands a year. Departments that fail to meet their targets will be fined, according to the report. “The regulation will boost the local economy via the cigarette tax,” said Chen Nianzu, a member of the Gong’an cigarette market supervision team. China has 350 million smokers, of whom a million die of smoking-related diseases every year. More than half of all male doctors in China smoke.

Worth cutting an ear off over?

Worth cutting an ear off over?

The Daily Mail reported that history has always painted Vincent Van Gogh as the artist who cut off his ear. But according to researchers, history might have got the wrong man. They believe that, in fact, it was Paul Gauguin, an artist of almost equal renown, who cut off his friend’s ear. And the injury wasn’t inflicted for the sake of art – rather it was part of a feud over a prostitute. This theory is the masterpiece of German historians who have pored over the evidence for ten years. They believe the story about the self-inflicted wound was invented by the sword-wielding Gauguin just to protect himself. What is not disputed is that Van Gogh lost his ear when the two artists were living in the South of France in December 1888. The two were known to fight about art. Van Gogh believed an artist should paint what he saw, while Gauguin painted according to his memory. But on this occasion, they were fighting over a prostitute named Rachel, outside the brothel where she worked, the historians say. The academics say the accepted theory that Van Gogh cut off his own ear is based entirely on Gauguin’s story. Van Gogh never talked about it.

Fast food, fast sex ... now in child sized portions

Fast food, fast sex ... now in child sized portions

Associated Press reported that Swiss police said they are investigating a 7-year-old girl’s discovery of a condom in her McDonald’s Happy Meal. Fribourg state police said the mother called them after the girl discovered the condom among her French fries. Police said Monday they were investigating where the condom came from and how it got into the Happy Meal. They said an analysis was being done to determine if the condom posed a health risk. McDonald’s in Switzerland declined to comment because of the ongoing investigation.

Some say all-the-world’s a screwed up Happy Meal.

Nymph pausing in the cascade of time

Nymph pausing in the cascade of time

“There are so many sensual possibilities — involving taste, touch, sight, sound and smell — on the earth; not to mention the ‘great ideas’ of love, freedom, justice, beauty and truth.  Add to that exploration, science and philosophy, plus historical knowledge on civics and government learned through cause and effect.  And we have the resources, data and knowledge to create utopia, but look at the bullshit humankind has wrought,” said a playful nymph in an un-playful moment during a pause in the cascade of time.  “We have the stuff that dreams are made of, and instead of creating the dream we divine a nightmare — with dirty condoms in our Happy Meals, Socialists in the White House, and taxes on addictive and non-addictive habits.  Missing too, are the days when men would cut each other’s ears off over great sex.  Ah yes, we’ve even lost the pleasures of a simpler time.”

Googles' GoatIn other news, FOX reported Monday that last week Google brought in a herd of goats to mow the grass on its Mountain View, Calif. headquarters rather than using lawnmowers. The company said that it wanted to take a more “low-carbon” approach with the goats reducing the company’s contribution to air and noise pollution. The cost of hiring the 200-some goats is about the same price as mowing, but the goats were “a lot cuter to watch.” Turns out another tech company uses goat power to mow its property, Yahoo has also employed goats to graze their grounds.  No word on whether Google and Yahoo executives have been cutting each other’s ears off as they compete for the goats attention.  ‘Nuf said.  Eat your Happy Meal.  Spit out the rubbery stuff.

(C) 2009 InebriatedPress.com

Source articles:

China’s ultimatum: smoke or be fined
http://www.news.com.au/story/0,27574,25426774-13762,00.html
 
The battle of Van Gogh’s ear: Artist didn’t chop it off – Gauguin attacked him in brothel row over woman
http://www.dailymail.co.uk/news/worldnews/article-1177205/The-battle-Van-Goghs-ear-Artist-didnt-chop–Gauguin-attacked-brothel-row-woman.html

Girl allegedly finds condom in ‘Happy Meal’
http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/30561605/

Google Goes Green With Goats
http://www.myfoxdc.com/dpp/dpg_original/dpgo_Google_Goats_Green_fc_20090504_2460969

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National Guard drops door-to-door Gun search Plan, Dentist says Groping improves Patients teeth, and Obama parties on “White House Wednesdays”

> National Guard ends door-to-door home search exercise
> Dentist in court over groping says it was part of treatment
> Obama White House has “Party Wednesdays”

Inebriated Press
March 5, 2009

090305-iowa-national-guard-bwThe Des Moines Register [Iowa-US] reported last week that after guns-rights advocates complained in droves, the Iowa Army National Guard decided to drop plans for urban warfare training in which 90 to 100 combat troops would have gone door to door and searched homes for weapons.  And CBS-TV-13-Sacramento reported last week that an attorney told jurors that dentist Mark Anderson was treating his female clients for a dental disorder when he was rubbing their breasts.  Meanwhile, Inebriated investigative reporters convalescing after a Wednesday night of heavy partying at the White House [Associated Press reported Monday: “Obama kicks up White House entertaining”], say Obama’s plans are on track and happy days are here again.

090305-donuts-bw1“It’s time to set aside partisan bickering and sign-on to the new door-to-door Obama Gun Search Program, the Breast Massage Healthcare Plan and start partying on Wednesdays as though we’ve won a Trillion Dollar Stimulus Package of our very own,” said Inebriated reporter Horace Halfwitt-Leftist, a careless writer who remains on staff because he always brings donuts and never locks his desk with the Jack Daniels in the lower left-hand drawer.  “I find every Wednesday night at the White House to be very stimulating and I’m sure that whatever Barack decides to do will be just fine.  And I’m not just saying that because I get to mingle with celebrities and drink expensive booze. Nor am I saying it because I’m intoxicated by being so close to power and smooth talk and Obama’s charm and wit.  I don’t know why I’m saying it, but I’m sure it’s for a good reason of some kind.”

Someone named Stacy

Someone named Stacy

Not everyone is intoxicated by the Obama Democratic Socialist Movement or its plans to rename the country the United States of Socialist America (USSA).  “It’ll take more than a weekly White House party, gun bans and breast-oriented dental-care to get me to endorse Obamanomics and the destruction of personal freedom, the free market and private enterprise,” said Stacy Fulmetal-Jackett, a free-love, free-market, full-auto gun owner and cosmetic sales manager.  “Glib talk and slippery rhetoric carries no more weight with me than it does the Stock Market.  My opinion of Obama is like the Dow.  Down to a twelve year low — and I’ve known the market a lot longer than Obama.  Thing is, he’s like every socialist I’ve ever known.  The only real difference is that he’s started wearing an American flag lapel pin.  And he didn’t always do that.  The guy knows packaging.  He’s got that down.”

Senior Airman Manhart, Iowa Nat'l Guard

Senior Airman Manhart, Iowa Nat'l Guard

The Des Moines Register reported that the Iowa Army National Guard has dropped plans for urban warfare training in the western Iowa town of Arcadia after being deluged by nearly 100 e-mails and phone calls from gun-rights advocates nationwide. The four-day event in April would have involved between 90 and 100 combat troops arriving in the Carroll County community in a convoy with a Blackhawk military helicopter flying overhead. Troops would have gone door to door, asking the town’s 443 residents about a suspected arms dealer and conducting searches of homes if property owners volunteered to cooperate. Gun-rights advocates were outraged, and news about the exercise became a hot topic nationally on radio talk shows and the Internet.

“This was completely blown out of proportion,” Arcadia Mayor Oran Kohorst said. “They were going to come through and meet with the townspeople and just practice going in and out of their homes. They were never, ever going to confiscate guns or anything like that.” Talk show host Alex Jones of Austin, Texas, whose syndicated radio program is carried on about 60 stations, said he believes oil companies, in concert with central banks, are creating a worldwide economic crisis to set up a world government. “This is part of an acclimation for martial law,” Jones said of the National Guard’s plans.

Dental therapy for a new age

Dental therapy for a new age

CBS-TV 13-Sacramento [California] reported that the attorney for a Woodland dentist told jurors that his client massaged women’s chests as part of a medical treatment. Defense attorney Michael Rothschild told the six-man, six-woman Yolo County jury that Mark Anderson was treating his female clients for temporomandibular disorder, or TMD. The attorney says the condition affects the muscles of the upper body. Anderson faces 19 felony charges for skin-to-skin contact and one misdemeanor for touching a patient’s breasts over her clothing. The incidents occurred between February 2005 and his arrest in August 2007 and brought complaints from 14 women.

Just another Wednesday night

Just another Wednesday night

Associated Press reported Monday that the White House is the place to be on Wednesdays. Since the presidency changed hands less than six weeks ago, a burst of entertaining has taken hold of the iconic, white-columned home of America’s head of state. Much of it comes on Wednesdays. The stately East Room, where portraits of George and Martha Washington adorn the walls, was transformed into a concert hall as President Barack Obama presented Stevie Wonder with the nation’s highest award for pop music on Wednesday.

090305-obama-party-hat-bwA week before that, the foot-stomping sounds of Sweet Honey in the Rock, a female a cappella group, filled the East Room for a Black History Month program first lady Michelle Obama held for nearly 200 sixth- and seventh-graders from around the city. Cocktails were sipped during at least three such receptions to date, all held on Wednesdays. Bookending the midweek activity were a Super Bowl party for select Democratic and Republican lawmakers and a dinner for governors, the new administration’s first black-tie affair. It was capped with a performance by the 1970s pop group Earth, Wind and Fire. And a conga line.

Wednesday night with Stevie Wonder

Wednesday night with Stevie Wonder

The conga line formed after the media were escorted out and, apparently, after Obama had called it a night. “Thank you for waiting until I had left before you started the conga line,” the president told the governors the next morning. “I hear it was quite a spectacle.” Some Obama guests say he puts them at ease. He indulges them and serves cookies, too. According to the report, the flurry of entertaining is in keeping with the Obama’s’ promise to make the White House a more open place for everyone.

Some people say all this country really needs is enough cookies, booze, and a good conga line.

Old medication for a new economy

Old medication for a new economy

“I used to worry about the collapse of the market and my retirement account, I used to get all worked up about the massive federal debt and what it was doing to the country and my children’s future.  I even used to think that the Soviet Union was dangerous and Islamofascism and the attack on 9-11 were bad for freedom, but I see now that I was just being silly,” said Johnny Applecake-Muffintop, dipping a chocolate chip cookie in Rum and popping it into his mouth like one more in a long line of M&M’s.  “I even used to worry about my weight and the investment banking firm I was president of.  But now I see the wisdom of Barack’s ways and understand that hard work and free markets, hell even individual freedom, are all just illusions and the truth is that the government will care for all of our needs and give us whatever’s necessary.  Obviously the Harvard Business School courses I took were way different than the journalism classes that Barack was taking.  He must have learned all that wisdom there.  I don’t think that just twenty years of Jeremiah Wright’s anti-American preaching, convicted felon Tony Rezko’s real-estate deals and hanging with Pentagon Bomber pal Bill Ayers could have influenced him.  It had to be Harvard Journalism.”

090305-condomsIn other news, The Local reported last week that a student association in southern Sweden is on the lookout for a thief with a preference for extra large condoms after fifty commodious rubbers went missing. The thief or thieves used a heavy implement to break into the offices of the Projekt Sex student association at Lund University, reports the Lundagård newspaper. But according to staff at the office, all that was taken was a small sum of money and fifty extra large condoms. None of the smaller sizes were touched. No word on who is going to get screwed, but based on current trends it’ll probably be American taxpayers again — sounds like another Obama stimulus plan.  Bend over, I’m here to help you.

(C) 2009 InebriatedPress.com

Source articles:

Iowa Guard ends urban war exercise amid outcry
http://www.desmoinesregister.com/apps/pbcs.dll/article?AID=/20090224/NEWS10/902240390

Dentist Says Groping Was Part Of Treatment
http://cbs13.com/watercooler/woodland.dentist.trial.2.942629.html

Obama kicks up White House entertaining
http://www.google.com/hostednews/ap/article/ALeqM5hjPujfKghPXUPK3LKaH2P0gDV3cQD96M06J02

Well-endowed thief in late night condom raid
http://www.thelocal.se/17888/20090227/

Michelle Manhart Demoted, Discharged for Playboy Pics
http://gone-hollywood.com/2007/02/michelle-manhart-demoted-discharged-for-playboy-pics/

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