Tag Archives: deficit spending

NASA to Bomb Moon, Woman to Skydive Topless, and US Public Wary of Deficit and Obama Governance

> US Space Agency Preps Missile for Moon Explosion in Water Search
> Barmaid with 36GG Bust to Leap Topless from Plane: “I like to live on the edge”
> WSJ Poll finds Americans Fear growing Budget Deficit and Government’s Economic Intervention

Inebriated Press
June 19, 2009

Less risky than Obama's budget?

Less risky than Obama's budget?

Mercury News reported Monday that NASA is preparing to fly a rocket booster into the moon, triggering a six-mile-high explosion that scientists hope will confirm the presence of water.  And the Lancashire Evening Post reported Wednesday that busty barmaid Charlotte Robinson is gearing up for a topless skydive.  Meanwhile, the Wall Street Journal reported Thursday that Americans are increasingly wary of the growing budget deficit and the Obama administrations economic interventions.  Pundits are debating the benefits of blowing up the moon and the U.S. economy, while others consider leaping from airplanes without clothes on.

Someone named Charlotte

Someone named Charlotte

“I think that living on the edge is a hell of a lot of fun and a real rush.  I mean think about it, we’re in an economy that Obama is pumping trillions of dollars into, to remove L.A. tattoos, and build high-speed trains we don’t need, and study why pigs stink — not to mention his move to take over two of the Big Three car companies and nationalize them.  The value of the dollar will free-fall and inflation will go through the roof.  I’m jazzed up just thinking about it and that’s before I imagine myself free-falling at a couple hundred miles per hour with my naked boobs flapping as I plunge toward earth from an airplane.  This is life the way it’s meant to be lived,” said Charlotte Sunblok-Areola, an account executive at the Satin, Lace and Diesel Parts Company. “If it was left to me to blow up the moon I don’t think I could have a better year.  Oh I suppose maybe it could be better if I were able to get rid of a couple STD’s I have from risky sex, but what the heck, I like life on the edge and sometimes it stings a little.”

Someone named Karen

Someone named Karen

Not everyone sees it the way Sunblok-Areola does.  “The NASA moon bombing is a little weird but I suppose maybe its okay in the cause of science, I mean if they find water or something.  But this notion that pumping trillions of dollars into the U.S. economy on shit we don’t need and then call it ‘stimulus’ doesn’t stimulate me at all.  How can anyone call irresponsible spending a responsible thing to do, its foolishness,” said Karen Cashin-Carrey, a fiscal conservative and ethical relativist who pastes disproportionate logic together as best she can, but lately has been coming up empty.  “And this idea that skydiving topless is going to be fun is as logical as government run national healthcare.  You’re not going to get what you’re expecting and it’s going to hurt.  You think the government can operate healthcare better than private industry?  It can’t run Medicare, Medicaid or Social Security.  Why will it do a better job of keeping you healthy?  And skydiving topless will put your breasts out there with blowing dirt and bugs and leaves and shit.  You think it’ll be fun when those things smack against your nipples and breasts at several hundred miles per hour?  Hell no.  Wake up people, you’re not thinking straight.  Doing dumb shit doesn’t just sting a little; it hurts a lot, maybe not today but tomorrow and for a long time afterward.  This stuff doesn’t fix easily, even when you stop the stupidity and start the healing process.”

NASA's Big Bang

NASA's Big Bang

The Mercury News reported that in an unprecedented scientific endeavor — and what may be one of the coolest space missions ever — NASA is preparing to fly a rocket booster into the moon, triggering a six-mile-high explosion that scientists hope will confirm the presence of water. The four-month mission of the Lunar Crater Observation and Sensing Satellite (LCROSS), which will be directed from NASA’s Ames Research Center at Moffett Field, is to discover whether water is frozen in the perpetual darkness of craters near the moon’s south pole. As a potential source of oxygen for life support and hydrogen for rocket fuel, that water would be a tremendous boost to NASA’s plans to restart human exploration of the moon. The plans are for LCROSS to separate from the Centaur booster less than 10 hours before impact and will be less than 400 miles above the moon when the spent rocket booster collides at a speed five times faster than a bullet from a .44 Magnum. NASA plans to stream a live view from LCROSS as the Centaur, followed by the spacecraft, plows into the moon. If all goes as planned it would hit the moon in the early morning hours of Oct. 8.

skydive nakedThe Lancashire Evening Post reported that busty barmaid Charlotte Robinson is gearing up for a skydive with a difference. The 24-year-old, from Catterall in Garstang, will jump 14,000ft from a Turbine Porter aircraft – topless. The bubbly mother-of-one will be strapped to the front of an instructor and will freefall at more than 120mph before the parachute opens. She is hoping the jump, at the Black Knights Parachute Centre, Hillam Lane, Cockerham, will raise hundreds of pounds for the North West Air Ambulance. She said: “I don’t know if I’ll hurt myself – I might do because I’m a 36GG. I don’t know how the topless part came about. I’m just a bit mental really and definitely outgoing. I’m a bit nervous. The only other thing I’ve done is a bungee jump when I was about 12. But I do like to live on the edge.”

click to enlarge (stop spending to shrink)

click to enlarge (stop spending to shrink)

The Wall Street Journal reported that after a fairly smooth opening, President Barack Obama faces new concerns among the American public about the budget deficit and government intervention in the economy as he works to enact ambitious health and energy legislation, a new Wall Street Journal/NBC News poll finds. These rising doubts threaten to overshadow the president’s personal popularity and his agenda, in what may be a new phase of the Obama presidency. “The public is really moving from evaluating him as a charismatic and charming leader to his specific handling of the challenges facing the country,” says Peter D. Hart, a Democratic pollster who conducts the survey with Republican Bill McInturff. Going forward, he says, Mr. Obama and his allies “are going to have to navigate in pretty choppy waters.”

Nearly seven in 10 survey respondents said they had concerns about federal interventions into the economy; including Mr. Obama’s decision to take an ownership stake in General Motors Corp., limits on executive compensation and the prospect of more government involvement in health care. A solid majority — 58% — said that the president and Congress should focus on keeping the budget deficit down, even if takes longer for the economy to recover. Mr. Obama’s overall job approval and personal ratings have slipped, particularly among independent voters. His job approval rating now stands at 56%, down from 61% in April. Among independents, it dropped from nearly two-to-one approval to closely divided. When asked what the most important economic issue facing the country is, 24% cited the deficit, vs. just 11% who named health care.

No pornIn other news, the Telegraph reported Tuesday that a woman has cancelled her church wedding and country house reception after discovering her fiancé is a secret porn star. Haylie Hocking, 27, only found out that strapping 30-year-old fitness fanatic Jason Brake made adult films just weeks before the big day. A friend organizing her hen night searched online for a male stripper and spotted Jason with a woman in a porn movie. Now Haylie has called her vicar to cancel the wedding. She said: “There was no way I could marry an adult film star.” He told her he was a personal trainer when the couple began dating. After eight months, he proposed and bought her a diamond engagement ring. But Jason’s secret emerged when Haylie’s friend Lisa tried to book a stripper for a hen party. After Jason finally admitted he was earning money from making porn, Haylie called off the wedding. Haylie said: “I don’t know if I will ever be able to trust a man again.”  No word on whether she trusts politicians with her healthcare, or how she feels about NASA bombing the moon, but she seems pretty traditional so she probably has no plans to leap from a plane topless with her breasts pummeling her face and arms and being pummeled themselves.  But I could be wrong.  After all, Americans elected a president with no governing or business experience.  Sometimes rational people do irrational things.  Maybe there are times when the pummeling we get, we deserve.  But smart folks learn from their mistakes.  Here’s hoping Americans are smart folks.  Time will tell.

(C) 2009 InebriatedPress.com

Source articles:

NASA/Ames ready to explode one of the coolest space missions ever
http://www.siliconvalley.com/ci_12590357

Busty barmaid prepares for topless skydive
http://www.lep.co.uk/news/Busty-barmaid-prepares-for-topless.5372581.jp

Public Wary of Deficit, Economic Intervention
http://online.wsj.com/article/SB124527518023424769.html#mod=testMod

Woman cancels wedding after finding fiancé was porn star
http://www.telegraph.co.uk/news/uknews/5549158/Woman-cancels-wedding-after-finding-fiance-was-porn-star.html

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Filed under Humor, IP News

Rustlers steal Queen’s Cattle, Obama more Left than Chavez, and Mafia ruins Teen’s Shopping Spree

> Cattle Rustlers Stole Cows from Queen Elizabeth’s estate
> Venezuela’s Chavez says “Comrade” Obama’s Nationalization of GM Makes Him the Most Left-Wing
> Girls use Mafia to crack parents safe, worked, but not quite as hoped

Inebriated Press
June 5, 2009

Got a safe on ya?  You're not Mafia, right?

Got a safe on ya? You're not Mafia, right?

Reuters reported on Wednesday that cattle rustlers stole prized cattle from an English estate of Queen Elizabeth that were being fattened for the royal table.  And, Reuters reported Tuesday that Venezuela’s President Hugo Chavez says he and Cuban leader Fidel Castro are more conservative than U.S. President Obama, as Barack prepares to nationalize General Motors Corporation.  Meanwhile, Sweden’s The Local reported on Wednesday that two teenage girls who took the family safe to finance a day of shopping, asked a mafia guy to break it open for them.  They never saw it again.  Pundits are contemplating the ethical and practical implications of cattle rustling, nationalization of industry and ripping off your parents. 

Someone named Honey

Someone named Honey

“All’s fair in love, war, politics and elementary physics … as well as cattle rustling, robbing your own parents and other stuff if you can get away with it,” said Honey Sukle-Kreme, a candy store manager and part-time stripper down at the Sweet and Sassy Beer and Haircare Shoppe.  “There aren’t any real rights or wrongs, I think that’s been established by the theory of relativity and the Woodstock music festival, so we really should just move on.  I mean, some people still get hung up on the idea that stealing someone’s cattle, or over-taxing the middle class, or even nationalizing major industries because you can — is wrong or something.  It’s nothing of the kind.  If you have the power and the will to do any of those things, then you do it if you want to.  It’s basic evolutionary theory — survival of the fittest.  If I’m stronger than you I can take your stuff, whether you’re my parents, the queen, or private enterprise.  If you don’t like it, suck it, there’s nothing you can do.  I’d talk about this more, but my car is parked outside and the meter is about to expire.  If I don’t put some money in it I’ll have to pay a fine.  Why the damn meter officials don’t grasp the reality of relativity and Woodstock, and forget about giving me tickets I just don’t know.  Obama will fix that one of these days.  He’s a fixer kind of guy from Chicago you know.”

Someone named Wanda

Someone named Wanda

Not everyone exudes the same nectar as Sukle-Kreme.  “Holy crap, rustlers ripped off the queen and Obama is ripping off private enterprise, that’s some crazy shit.  Now the mafia ripping off some stupid girls is no biggy, what did the girls expect — they’ve never watched any mafia movies or something?  On the other hand American’s have had to have seen a few socialists, at least in history class, and should have known what Obama the community organizer was up to.  Sometimes people come face to face with their own stupidity and just smile and wave,” said Wanda Silikon-Basil, a buxom gardener known for her uncommon genius — mainly with fertilizer and bustiers.  “I tend to be pretty easy going and am pretty much an optimist, but I’m worried about whether the Queen is going to have enough beef to get her through the winter.  She’s getting along in age and it’s important that she gets enough protein.  As far as the U.S. goes with nationalization of industry, I could worry about that too, but the voters chose a one-term Senator whose only experience was in community organizing, and he’s never run a business or government — so the Americans are getting what they asked for.  You vote like a dumb shit and you get that kind of governance.  Stupid is as stupid does.  I’m not staying awake nights worrying about an idiotic decision like that.”

Queen Liz: Where's my beef?

Queen Liz: Where's my beef?

Reuters reported that cattle rustlers stole prized cows and bulls from an English country estate of Queen Elizabeth that were being fattened up for the royal dining table. Tony Barratt, the farmer in charge of some 300 livestock on the British queen’s Sandringham estate in southeastern England, told Reuters on Wednesday that police were investigating the disappearance of the cattle over the last week and said they had probably been illegally slaughtered by now. “It makes me so angry because this is beef which is enjoyed by the queen herself,” said Barratt.

Comrades Obama and Chavez

Comrades Obama and Chavez

Reuters reported that Venezuela’s President Hugo Chavez said on Tuesday that he and Cuban ally Fidel Castro risk being more conservative than U.S. President Barack Obama as Washington prepares to take control of General Motors Corp. During one of Chavez’s customary lectures on the “curse” of capitalism and the bonanzas of socialism, the Venezuelan leader made reference to GM’s bankruptcy filing, which is expected to give the U.S. government a 60 percent stake in the 100-year-old former symbol of American might. “Hey, Obama has just nationalized nothing more and nothing less than General Motors. Comrade Obama! Fidel, careful or we are going to end up to his right,” Chavez joked on a live television broadcast. Chavez, a vehement critic of the U.S. “empire,” has toned down his rhetoric since Obama took office in January. Obama and the federal government will take control of GM after a $30 billion injection of taxpayer funds.

Two Swedish girls

Two Swedish girls

The Local reported that two Swedish teenage girls who took a family safe to finance a day of shopping allege their plans were spoiled when they inadvertently handed the safe over to someone with ties to the mob. In order to pay for a joyride and accompanying shopping spree, the girls stole a safe containing 10,000 kronor ($1,300) in cash which belonged to the father of one of the girls. The girls stuffed the safe in a bag and headed to Malmö where they met up with a male acquaintance of one of the girls who was supposed to help them crack open the safe. But the acquaintance told the girls he lacked the right tools to open the safe, and instead had to hand it over to someone else. According to the girls, they never saw the safe again and allege it ended up in the hands of the mafia.
 

Ah shit, I should have spoken up earlier ...

Ah shit, I should have spoken up earlier ...

In other news, Bloomberg reported Wednesday that Federal Reserve Chairman Ben S. Bernanke said large U.S. budget deficits threaten financial stability and the government can’t continue indefinitely to borrow at the current rate to finance the shortfall. The Fed chief said in his remarks to the House Budget Committee that deficit concerns are already influencing the prices of long-term Treasuries. The budget deficit this year is projected to reach $1.85 trillion, equivalent to 13 percent of the nation’s economy, according to the nonpartisan Congressional Budget Office. “Either cuts in spending or increases in taxes will be necessary to stabilize the fiscal situation,” Bernanke said. This year’s projected budget deficit is four times the size of last year’s shortfall. Wisconsin Representative Paul Ryan, the ranking Republican on the committee, said that the Treasury’s debt issuance and the Fed’s monetary stimulus, including purchases of government bonds, “can be a dangerous policy mix” and risks “runaway inflation” in the longer term.  No word on how Bernanke feels about stealing the Queens cattle, nationalizing industry or ripping off his parents, but I don’t give a shit about that. What I want to know is where the hell this guy’s been while Obama and the Democrats have been spending all of our money — and half of the next generations.  But maybe people really do come face to face with their own stupidity and just smile and wave.  At least he’s finally pulled his head out of his ass.  Now we’ll see if anyone else does.

(C) 2009 IebriatedPress.com

Source articles:

Where’s the beef? Rustlers stole it your majesty
http://news.yahoo.com/s/nm/20090603/lf_nm_life/us_britain_royal_beef_1

Venezuela Chavez says “Comrade” Obama more left-wing
http://www.reuters.com/article/ObamaEconomy/idUSTRE5520GX20090603?feedType=RSS&feedName=ObamaEconomy&virtualBrandChannel=10441

‘Mafia’ ruined Swedish teens’ shopping spree
http://www.thelocal.se/19838/

Bernanke Warns Deficits Threaten Financial Stability
http://www.bloomberg.com/apps/news?pid=20601087&sid=ahrOZ.gd85yc

Comments Off on Rustlers steal Queen’s Cattle, Obama more Left than Chavez, and Mafia ruins Teen’s Shopping Spree

Filed under Humor, IP News