Tag Archives: drugs

Legalized Vice to Lift Tax Burden; Outsized Male the Last of the Real Men; and Porn Cures Medical Condition

> Time to Legalize (and tax) Drugs, Prostitution, and Gambling
> The Outsized Male a Cut Above the Rest
> XXX Cures Better Than Rx Does

Inebriated Press
May 26, 2009

Obama Stimulus 2.0

Obama Stimulus 2.0

Reason Online reported last week that the Obama administration wants to encourage treatment of drug addicts rather than putting them in jail for breaking the law. Nick Gillespie says he has a better idea: Legalize drugs, gambling and prostitution, then tax sales of them, and fill the federal and state government’s coffers. And the UK Daily Express reported last week that as far as Kate Mulvey is concerned, the outsized male (OM) is the last of the real men. Her view of the perfect sized guy: James Gandolfini of HBO’s ‘Sopranos’ big. A balding fat bloke who struts around half naked with his generous stomach hanging out, eating and giving orders with equal gusto. Meanwhile, Newsweek Magazine reported last week that makers of a testosterone supplement are launching a national campaign touting the youth-enhancing benefits of their product. But there may be a cheaper, less clinical solution to low hormone levels. In studies, monkeys that see sexually active females register as much as a 400 percent jump in testosterone.  Porn can do what medication does; maybe even do it better.  Visionaries contemplating taxes and testosterone, see a new ‘Las Vegas style’ healthcare program emanating from D.C. capable of ending the national debt and restoring sexual vitality — especially to big boys — all across America.

Some brawny dude

Some brawny dude

“When Obama’s new national healthcare initiative legalizes drugs, prostitution and gambling — for the health benefits — and then taxes them, not only will American’s have better attitudes and be happier and healthier, but state and federal governments will also generate billions of dollars in new tax revenue.  Big guys will have higher levels of testosterone and be appreciated by women who’ve given up on the scrawny metrosexual types, and want real men who take up space and are noticed when they hug the people they love,” said Brawny Beeff-Mann, a fry cook and pork aficionado who likes food and sex but not always in that order.  “I can hardly wait to deduct my porn subscriptions, marijuana purchases and hooker ‘appointments’ as medical costs on my IRS forms.  And the cool thing is, that even though this will constitute new middle class tax cuts, these new legal products and services will be generating so many new dollars in tax revenue, that it will more than offset my lower tax payments to the government. It’s win-win all around.  I’d like to talk more but I’ve got an appointment with a healthcare provider at the Bunny Ranch.  Got to keep in tip-top shape you know.”

Someone named Sheri

Someone named Sheri

Not everyone agrees with Beeff-Mann.  “The legalization of these vices would exacerbate the current trend toward ethical degradation that is already plaguing society and resulting in high levels of crime, disease, and both social and economic costs.  Legalizing these forms of immorality would simply spread disease and emotional costs to more individuals and would dwarf any attempt to ‘tax our way to prosperity’ no matter how well intentioned,” said Sheri Cheri-Koke, director of the Ethical Swamp & Moral Minority Club, and a sweet delight to those who know and love her.  “I don’t consider myself a prude, but do you really think that legalized drugs will make people healthier, or that legalized gambling is going to make the country happier?  And I’ve yet to see legalized hooking make a better, brighter and happier populace in total.  Typically illegal prostitution ends up being replaced by an increase in illegal kiddy porn and human trafficking.  Unless we plan to legalize and tax those too.  Some slippery slopes can never be walked on safely and should never be attempted.”

War on drugs or War for drugs?

War on drugs or War for drugs?

Reason Online reported that the Obama administration’s drug czar made news recently by saying he wanted to end all loose talk about a “war on drugs.” “We’re not at war with people in this country,” said the czar, Gil Kerlikowske, who favors forcing people into treatment programs rather than jail cells.  Nick Gillespie says here’s a better idea—and one that will help the federal and state governments fill their coffers: Legalize drugs and then tax sales of them. And while we’re at it, welcome all forms of gambling (rather than just the few currently and arbitrarily allowed) and let prostitution go legit too. All of these vices, involving billions of dollars and consenting adults, already take place. They just take place beyond the taxman’s reach. Legalizing the world’s oldest profession probably wasn’t what Rahm Emanuel, the White House chief of staff, meant when he said that we should never allow a crisis to go to waste. But turning America into a Sin City on a Hill could help President Obama pay for his ambitious plans to overhaul health care, invest in green energy, and create gee-whiz trains that whisk “through towns at speeds over 100 miles an hour.” More taxed vices would certainly lead to significant new revenue streams at every level. That’s one of the reasons 52 percent of voters in a recent Zogby poll said they support legalizing, taxing and regulating the growth and sale of marijuana. Similar cases could be made for prostitution and all forms of gambling.

Gandolfini

Gandolfini

Daily Express reported that Kate Mulvey says the size of a romantic male template matters to her, and hers is 6ft tall and fat. As far as she is concerned the outsized male (OM) is the last of the real men. More bulk than beauty, the OM has shoulders like the QE2, hands like JCB diggers and a stomach more medicine ball than six-pack. The rippled torso of Tom Cruise or the snake-hipped charm of Leonardo DiCaprio are not for her. Kate says give her belly in the bedroom any day. And she’s not advocating a taste for lovable little podgers. A roly-poly fat man with sausage fingers and an unmuscled body is far from attractive. When she says big she means James Gandolfini big. Remember him in the American TV soap The Sopranos? He was the balding fat bloke who strutted around half naked with his generous stomach hanging out, eating and giving orders with equal gusto. These men – think Gérard Depardieu, Michael Madsen and Ray Winstone – are a heady mixture of tough dominance and avuncular reassurance that ultimately is more thrilling than your wimpy, moisturized metrosexual. Mulvey says there is something wonderfully comforting about resting your head on a chest the size of a small country. The OM is simply a cut above the rest.

Hey Guys, Your Low-T is Getting Fixed, Right Now!

Hey Guys, Your Low-T is Getting Fixed, Right Now!

Newsweek reported that the makers of a testosterone supplement are launching a national campaign touting the youth-enhancing benefits of their product. But there may be a cheaper, less clinical solution to low hormone levels. Porn or prescriptions? It hardly sounds likes a typical fork in the road. But it’s the choice that middle-aged American males apparently may face if they suffer from symptoms of low testosterone—as around five million men do, a figure that seems to be growing along with male girths, diabetes and the aging boomer generation. The case for pornography derives from research showing that adult fare can help restore a sapped male mojo. Monkeys that see sexually active females register as much as a 400 percent jump in testosterone (nature’s own performance-enhancing drug) promoting lean muscle and quick recovery times, according to the Yerkes Center for Primate Research at Emory University. In humans, German researchers have found that just having an erection is enough to spur testosterone levels. It makes no difference whether a man is watching sex on a screen or having it in real life, his testosterone levels will go up. Just having an erection, in fact, is enough to spur production.

By prescription only

By prescription only

Such findings, along with work that shows family life to be a drain on testosterone levels, prompted Rutgers University sex researcher Helen Fisher to advise this month that males in the “captivity situation”-her term for married with kids-“go on the Internet and look at porn” as a kind of hormone-replacement therapy. “[Porn] drives up dopamine levels, which drives up your testosterone,” she tells NEWSWEEK, while kissing your wife or hugging your kids drives it down. Competing with your Playboy subscription, however, are prescription drugs-including the futuristic sounding AndroGel, a testosterone foam that hormone-challenged men have been rubbing on their bodies for almost a decade. More than 10 million prescriptions have been filled in that time, and now the maker, Solvay Pharmaceuticals, is trying to raise its legal steroid to a Viagra-level of visibility, making “Low T” as recognizable a phrase as “E.D.”

So what’s a guy to do? Perhaps nothing. Testosterone loss is a natural part of aging. Most men lose about 1 percent of their supply annually starting at age 30, more if they are obese, diabetic, a binge drinker, a vegetarian, a yo-yo dieter or have a pituitary-gland disorder. It’s unlikely that the porn industry will begin a marketing campaign touting the hormone-replacement benefits of their products, though there is some chance that doctors could start recommending regular porn to their testosterone-challenged patients.

Some people say that the combination of a high red-meat and hot-sex diet have always been key to perpetuating the species.

This and a free market can do wonders for the economy

This and a free market can do wonders for the economy

“If you think that metrosexual vegetarians are going to sustain a countries population base and social and economic strength, you’re out of your mind,” said someone claiming to be in their mind.  “Only red meat eating, sex loving guys with a dose of common sense and a high appreciation for free market capitalism can provide a solid base for a countries strength.  And that’s true regardless of whether you legalize and tax prostitution, gambling and drugs.  In the end, it’s all about the people.  I wonder what the studies about women will say — besides some of them liking plus-sized dudes.  I’ll bet the tree-hugging veggie eating women can’t sustain shit either.  Good thing there are some solid red-blooded meat-eating chicks that are smart, hot looking and give a shit about building the free market.  We can remake America the right way if we can start hooking these men and women up.”

Now we’re talking a real stimulus plan.

(C) 2009 InebriatedPress.com

Source documents:

Paying With Our Sins
http://reason.com/news/show/133598.html

WHY I LOVE LARGER MEN
http://www.express.co.uk/posts/view/102458/Why-I-love-larger-men

Rx vs. XXX
http://www.newsweek.com/id/198512?from=rss

BunnyRanch
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/BunnyRanch_Two

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Obama’s Touch Kills, IRS Gives Out Wrong Numbers, New Rub-on ‘Viagra’ Invented

> Obama tested for virus after man he touches dies next day
> IRS issues audit notices with wrong telephone contact number
> New erectile drug cures when rubbed on “problem area”

Inebriated Press
April 30, 2009

Up your chances with nanotech

Up your chances with nanotech

The Sun reported Tuesday that President Obama was tested for a virus after a man he shook hands with collapsed and died the next day.  And KING 5 News Seattle reported on Monday that letters issued by the U.S. Internal Revenue Service (IRS) informing citizens that they are being audited contain the wrong telephone number.  Meanwhile, The Telegraph reported that a new anti-impotency drug has been developed that can be “rubbed on the problem area and absorbed directly into the skin”.  Inebriated Reporters are avoiding Obama’s touch and dodging his gaze, while blowing off the IRS and aggressively hunting rub-on sex products.

Pissed off conservative

Pissed off conservative

“Obama’s been called the light bringer by New Age types who believe he’s divinely appointed by nature and evolution to guide the world into a new era of hope and peace, but we know now that his touch is deadly.  People who shake his hand die, nations that accept his economic policies face financial ruin, countries that adopt his foreign policies are weakened and may collapse,” said some pissed off conservative, still clinging to god, guns, individual freedom and the scattered remnants of traditional America.  “We all know that Timothy Geithner the Treasury Secretary and head of the IRS, cheated on his taxes.  No wonder he won’t put the right phone number on audit letters, he doesn’t really want to have to talk to anyone.  I’m just grateful that the medical companies have invented rub-on hard-on products.  I don’t actually need anything like that to get the machinery going, but it sounds like a fun product that’s going to be outselling jelly bean’s.  In this economy, a guy’s got to grab the bright spots where ever he can find them.”

Happy and content Democrat leader Reid

Happy and content Democrat leader Reid

Not everyone agrees with the pissed off conservative.  “Obama was tested for a virus because people were afraid he may have caught something from the walking-dead guy, not the other way around.  And the IRS isn’t good with numbers, that’s the only reason for the phone number problem; it’s not a big deal.  As far as rub-on sexual stimulation and erectile products go, well, I like it.  Strange as it may seem, there are some things that liberals and conservatives can agree on,” said a passing liberal, spinning like a top and throwing tax-payer money in all directions and calling it stimulus and an investment in America’s infrastructure.  “I don’t know about Barack and all the light bringer stuff, but he’s spending our nation’s future today so that has to count for something.  Now go ahead and rub me with some of that stuff.  Let’s see what happens.”

dead-man-shaking-obamas-handThe Sun reported that a man who shook President Barack Obama’s hand in Mexico collapsed and died the next day with swine flu-like symptoms. Archaeologist Felipe Solis, 65, met Mr. Obama, on April 16, three days after the virus emerged. The White House said Monday night Mr. Obama had been tested and was not in danger. The US president said the spread of the disease was a cause for concern “but not a cause for alarm”.

KING 5 News Seattle reported that Carole Bouslaugh from Edmonds got a letter no one wants to receive –   notification of an IRS audit. Shocked by the news, Carole called the agency with the number provided on the letter. “I call it because I want to get this over with,” said Carole. “Then it says, ‘I’m sorry but we can’t complete this call.’ I do it again and I do it again and I go what? It’s totally wrong, totally wrong. So I contacted the IRS using a more reliable method, the phone book.” The agency apologized for the mistake, but wouldn’t admit how many notices were sent out. The number on the notice: 816-897-0177. The correct number for the IRS is 1-800-829-1040. 
 

Tests show it works

Tests show it works

The Telegraph reported that a new generation of anti-impotency drugs that are rubbed into the skin could prove more effective than Viagra, research indicates. Scientists in the United States have successfully tested the new technique – which involves tiny objects called nanoparticles – on rats and believe it could also be used to help humans. Under the therapy, nanoparticles that release the anti-erectile chemical nitric oxide are rubbed on the problem area, and absorbed directly into the skin. Of the seven rats treated by the Albert Einstein College of Medicine in New York, five showed signs of arousal, according to results presented to the American Urological Association (AUA). The new treatment would likely have fewer side effects than Viagra, which is taken orally and been shown to cause headaches and facial flushing. Researchers also believe that the nanoparticle therapy could work much more quickly than Pfizer’s market-leading drug, which takes up to an hour to kick in.

Some people say anything that rubs you the right way should be purchased, invested in and leveraged to the hilt.

Someone named April

Someone named April

“In a free market economy, products and services that people want generate business and profits and are successful.  They don’t need artificial stimulus or government bailouts,” said April Warrm-Flushh, a market analyst and advisor at the Rub-Me Right Lounge and Investment Bank.  “Products or services that are poor or mismanaged fail and should be left to fail, or the companies that own them should use the bankruptcy for reorganization laws that are already in place to manage these situations.  Government intervention distorts the market and harms the successful well-managed firms competing with bad companies being artificially propped up.  On the other hand, if a little rub-on hard-on lube can jump start a successful business or relationship, it’s okay, as long as it remains fundamentally market driven and open to supply and demand factors and honestly interested parties who are legal adults.  I’m a legal adult.  What are you doing later this evening?”

In other news, the Washington Times reported Tuesday that President Obama’s media cheerleaders are hailing how loved he is. But at the 100-day mark of his presidency, Mr. Obama is the second-least-popular president in 40 years. According to Gallup’s April survey, Americans have a lower approval of Mr. Obama at this point than all but one president since Gallup began tracking this in 1969. The only new president less popular was Bill Clinton, who got off to a notoriously bad start after trying to force homosexuals on the military and a federal raid in Waco, Texas, that killed 86. Mr. Obama’s current approval rating of 56 percent is only one tick higher than the 55-percent approval Mr. Clinton had during those crises.

obama montageIt’s no surprise the liberal media aren’t anxious to point out that their darling is less popular than George W. Bush. But given the Gallup numbers, their hurrahs could be more subdued. USA Today’s front page touted the April poll results as positive, with the headline: “Public thinks highly of Obama.” The current cover of Newsweek magazine ponders “The Secret of His [Mr. Obama’s] Success.” The comparison with previous presidents is useful because they are usually popular during their first few months in office – and most presidents have been more popular than Mr. Obama. No word on what lube the media intends to use over the next four years to prop up the perception that Obama is keeping American’s attitudes happily aroused, but it’ll probably be some combination of nanoparticles and wrong telephone numbers.

(C) 2009 InebriatedPress.com

Source articles:

Barack Obama has test for virus
http://www.thesun.co.uk/sol/homepage/news/article2399368.ece?OTC-RSS&ATTR=News

IRS sends out wrong phone number
http://www.king5.com/localnews/getjesse/stories/NW_042709GJB-irs-wrong-phone-number-KC.119b3fa4d.html

Viagra rival ‘can be rubbed directly into skin’
http://www.telegraph.co.uk/news/newstopics/howaboutthat/5225138/Viagra-rival-can-be-rubbed-directly-into-skin.html

EDITORIAL: Barack’s in the basement
Obama is less popular than Nixon and Carter
http://washingtontimes.com/news/2009/apr/28/baracks-in-the-basement/

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