Tag Archives: erectile dysfunction

Obama’s Touch Kills, IRS Gives Out Wrong Numbers, New Rub-on ‘Viagra’ Invented

> Obama tested for virus after man he touches dies next day
> IRS issues audit notices with wrong telephone contact number
> New erectile drug cures when rubbed on “problem area”

Inebriated Press
April 30, 2009

Up your chances with nanotech

Up your chances with nanotech

The Sun reported Tuesday that President Obama was tested for a virus after a man he shook hands with collapsed and died the next day.  And KING 5 News Seattle reported on Monday that letters issued by the U.S. Internal Revenue Service (IRS) informing citizens that they are being audited contain the wrong telephone number.  Meanwhile, The Telegraph reported that a new anti-impotency drug has been developed that can be “rubbed on the problem area and absorbed directly into the skin”.  Inebriated Reporters are avoiding Obama’s touch and dodging his gaze, while blowing off the IRS and aggressively hunting rub-on sex products.

Pissed off conservative

Pissed off conservative

“Obama’s been called the light bringer by New Age types who believe he’s divinely appointed by nature and evolution to guide the world into a new era of hope and peace, but we know now that his touch is deadly.  People who shake his hand die, nations that accept his economic policies face financial ruin, countries that adopt his foreign policies are weakened and may collapse,” said some pissed off conservative, still clinging to god, guns, individual freedom and the scattered remnants of traditional America.  “We all know that Timothy Geithner the Treasury Secretary and head of the IRS, cheated on his taxes.  No wonder he won’t put the right phone number on audit letters, he doesn’t really want to have to talk to anyone.  I’m just grateful that the medical companies have invented rub-on hard-on products.  I don’t actually need anything like that to get the machinery going, but it sounds like a fun product that’s going to be outselling jelly bean’s.  In this economy, a guy’s got to grab the bright spots where ever he can find them.”

Happy and content Democrat leader Reid

Happy and content Democrat leader Reid

Not everyone agrees with the pissed off conservative.  “Obama was tested for a virus because people were afraid he may have caught something from the walking-dead guy, not the other way around.  And the IRS isn’t good with numbers, that’s the only reason for the phone number problem; it’s not a big deal.  As far as rub-on sexual stimulation and erectile products go, well, I like it.  Strange as it may seem, there are some things that liberals and conservatives can agree on,” said a passing liberal, spinning like a top and throwing tax-payer money in all directions and calling it stimulus and an investment in America’s infrastructure.  “I don’t know about Barack and all the light bringer stuff, but he’s spending our nation’s future today so that has to count for something.  Now go ahead and rub me with some of that stuff.  Let’s see what happens.”

dead-man-shaking-obamas-handThe Sun reported that a man who shook President Barack Obama’s hand in Mexico collapsed and died the next day with swine flu-like symptoms. Archaeologist Felipe Solis, 65, met Mr. Obama, on April 16, three days after the virus emerged. The White House said Monday night Mr. Obama had been tested and was not in danger. The US president said the spread of the disease was a cause for concern “but not a cause for alarm”.

KING 5 News Seattle reported that Carole Bouslaugh from Edmonds got a letter no one wants to receive –   notification of an IRS audit. Shocked by the news, Carole called the agency with the number provided on the letter. “I call it because I want to get this over with,” said Carole. “Then it says, ‘I’m sorry but we can’t complete this call.’ I do it again and I do it again and I go what? It’s totally wrong, totally wrong. So I contacted the IRS using a more reliable method, the phone book.” The agency apologized for the mistake, but wouldn’t admit how many notices were sent out. The number on the notice: 816-897-0177. The correct number for the IRS is 1-800-829-1040. 
 

Tests show it works

Tests show it works

The Telegraph reported that a new generation of anti-impotency drugs that are rubbed into the skin could prove more effective than Viagra, research indicates. Scientists in the United States have successfully tested the new technique – which involves tiny objects called nanoparticles – on rats and believe it could also be used to help humans. Under the therapy, nanoparticles that release the anti-erectile chemical nitric oxide are rubbed on the problem area, and absorbed directly into the skin. Of the seven rats treated by the Albert Einstein College of Medicine in New York, five showed signs of arousal, according to results presented to the American Urological Association (AUA). The new treatment would likely have fewer side effects than Viagra, which is taken orally and been shown to cause headaches and facial flushing. Researchers also believe that the nanoparticle therapy could work much more quickly than Pfizer’s market-leading drug, which takes up to an hour to kick in.

Some people say anything that rubs you the right way should be purchased, invested in and leveraged to the hilt.

Someone named April

Someone named April

“In a free market economy, products and services that people want generate business and profits and are successful.  They don’t need artificial stimulus or government bailouts,” said April Warrm-Flushh, a market analyst and advisor at the Rub-Me Right Lounge and Investment Bank.  “Products or services that are poor or mismanaged fail and should be left to fail, or the companies that own them should use the bankruptcy for reorganization laws that are already in place to manage these situations.  Government intervention distorts the market and harms the successful well-managed firms competing with bad companies being artificially propped up.  On the other hand, if a little rub-on hard-on lube can jump start a successful business or relationship, it’s okay, as long as it remains fundamentally market driven and open to supply and demand factors and honestly interested parties who are legal adults.  I’m a legal adult.  What are you doing later this evening?”

In other news, the Washington Times reported Tuesday that President Obama’s media cheerleaders are hailing how loved he is. But at the 100-day mark of his presidency, Mr. Obama is the second-least-popular president in 40 years. According to Gallup’s April survey, Americans have a lower approval of Mr. Obama at this point than all but one president since Gallup began tracking this in 1969. The only new president less popular was Bill Clinton, who got off to a notoriously bad start after trying to force homosexuals on the military and a federal raid in Waco, Texas, that killed 86. Mr. Obama’s current approval rating of 56 percent is only one tick higher than the 55-percent approval Mr. Clinton had during those crises.

obama montageIt’s no surprise the liberal media aren’t anxious to point out that their darling is less popular than George W. Bush. But given the Gallup numbers, their hurrahs could be more subdued. USA Today’s front page touted the April poll results as positive, with the headline: “Public thinks highly of Obama.” The current cover of Newsweek magazine ponders “The Secret of His [Mr. Obama’s] Success.” The comparison with previous presidents is useful because they are usually popular during their first few months in office – and most presidents have been more popular than Mr. Obama. No word on what lube the media intends to use over the next four years to prop up the perception that Obama is keeping American’s attitudes happily aroused, but it’ll probably be some combination of nanoparticles and wrong telephone numbers.

(C) 2009 InebriatedPress.com

Source articles:

Barack Obama has test for virus
http://www.thesun.co.uk/sol/homepage/news/article2399368.ece?OTC-RSS&ATTR=News

IRS sends out wrong phone number
http://www.king5.com/localnews/getjesse/stories/NW_042709GJB-irs-wrong-phone-number-KC.119b3fa4d.html

Viagra rival ‘can be rubbed directly into skin’
http://www.telegraph.co.uk/news/newstopics/howaboutthat/5225138/Viagra-rival-can-be-rubbed-directly-into-skin.html

EDITORIAL: Barack’s in the basement
Obama is less popular than Nixon and Carter
http://washingtontimes.com/news/2009/apr/28/baracks-in-the-basement/

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Killer Erections and Legalized Incest

> Brazilian spider bite gives men erections, then they die
> Romania considers legalizing incest
.
Inebriated Press
March 23, 2009
Erectile issues or spider bites?

Erectile issues or spider bites?

Fox News reported Friday that a Brazilian wandering spider was discovered in a bunch of bananas from Honduras at a Whole Foods Market in Tulsa, Oklahoma.  University of Tulsa animal facilities director Terry Childs said a bite from the spider will kill a person in about 25 minutes.  Researchers have also found its venom stimulates an hours-long erection in men.  Meanwhile, Associated Press reported Saturday that Romania is considering decriminalizing incest among consenting adults as part of a wide range of reforms to the country’s criminal code. Some twisted bastards say they’d do anything for a killer erection and sex with some kids.

Monica

Monica

“In today’s advanced world of high society and low ethics it’s important that it’s legal to have sex with your own or other people’s children, and have great erections or die trying,” said Roy Radow, a principal member of the North American Man/Boy Love Association (NAMBLA) and all around sick bastard. “There should be sexual freedom for all people and that includes legalization of incest, rape and murder. All ethics are subjective anyway and adults should be able to do anything they want, not only people who have government power. Bill Clinton did whatever he wanted to with Monica, Hitler did whatever he wanted to do with the Jews, and Barack Obama just does whatever he wants with the United States.  There’s no point in thinking that anything is actually criminal, immoral or stupid.  And Rule of Law is just a bothersome invention.  The legal AIG contracts that the government wants broken prove that.” 

Someone named Tammy

Someone named Tammy

Not everyone agrees with the sick bastard.  “Society is gradually slipping into a combination of idiocy, degredation and downright foolishness.  The idea that sex with children should be legalized, is wrong on so many levels it makes me sick,” said Tammy Tonsel-Niterain, a healthy medical doctor occasionally nausiated by societal trends and Obama’s healthcare plan. “One can only hope that the perpetrators of these schemes get bit by Brazilian spiders and die … with or without errections. And that Obama’s plans to undo the best healthcare system in the world dies too.  I’m not saying healthcare isn’t expensive and in need of some work, but to convert it to a system that has already failed is like intentially getting spider bites for great errrections with the guarentee that by the time you’ve got one you’re dead. Only complete morons would do it.”

Whole Foods

Whole Foods

Fox News reported that an employee of Whole Foods Market in Tulsa discovered what an expert said was a Brazilian wandering spider in a bunch of bananas from Honduras and managed to catch it in a container. The spider was given to University of Tulsa animal facilities director Terry Childs, who identified the arachnid and said that type of spider is one of the most lethal in the world. Childs said a bite will kill a person in about 25 minutes, and while there is an antidote, he doesn’t know of any in the Tulsa area.

Erection making killer spider

Erection making killer spider

Researchers have found its venom also stimulates an hours-long erection in men. Patients not only experience overall pain and an increase in blood pressure, they also get an uncomfortable erection. In Brazil, emergency room staff can immediately spot the victims of a bite. “The erection is a side effect that everybody who gets stung by this spider will experience along with the pain and discomfort,” said study team member Romulo Leite of the Medical College of Georgia, presumably speaking only about male bite victims. “We’re hoping eventually this will end up in the development of real drugs for the treatment of erectile dysfunction.”

Spiders often are found in imported produce. A manager at Whole Foods says the store regularly checks its goods and that’s how the spider was found.

Associated Press reported that surprising as it may seem, incest is not always a crime in Europe. Three European Union nations — France, Spain and Portugal — do not prosecute consenting adults for incest, and Romania is considering following suit.

Fritzl "Sick Bastard" & Daughter Elisabeth

Fritzl "Sick Bastard" & Daughter Elisabeth

The shocking case of Austrian Josef Fritzl, found guilty last week of holding his daughter captive for 24 years and fathering her seven children, has focused new attention on incest — which is a crime in itself in Austria even if the acts are consensual. But in the Fritzl case it was in connection with rape, homicide and other charges that led to a sentence of life in a secure psychiatric ward.

Laws exempting parents, grandparents, brothers and sisters from prosecution for incestuous acts if they are not forced upon adult family members are decades old in France, Spain and Portugal. In Romania, decriminalizing incest among consenting adults is being considered as part of a wide range of reforms to the country’s criminal code.

“Not everything that is immoral has to be illegal,” said Justice Ministry legal expert Valerian Cioclei. No date has been set yet for a parliament vote on the bill, and opposition to the proposal is fervent even among some lawmakers in the ruling coalition.

Some people say, when you destroy lives it makes the world better.

Himmler, misunderstood Nazi

Himmler, misunderstood Nazi

“Life should be hard and abuse of all kinds is natural, it comes from nature and the deep depraved resesses of the human psychye, and as such should be praised, celebrated and appreciated,” said Heinrich Himmler, a Nazi whose concentration camps were often mistaken for extermination camps, when they were really intended to improve the human race by eliminating the sick, weak and undesirable.  “Immoral acts don’t need to be illegal, that is a great truth.  I was critisized for immoral acts that some claimed to be illegal.  Before I committed suicide after my arrest, I was a creative scientific mind being attacked for my beliefs.  Some western cultures can be so intollerant.  Good thing the Islamofaschists are on the march.  I don’t necessarily like their religion but I love their tactics.  Kind of makes me wish I was alive again so I could help them out.  That and being in Hell like I am is kind of a drag.”

Dr. Aggarwal

Dr. Aggarwal

In other news, the UK Daily Mail reported last week that a family doctor prescribed a ‘good screw’ to a woman who was suffering from panic attacks, a court heard during testimony. Dr Rajinder Aggarwal, 54, also allegedly gave unnecessary intimate examinations, smacked patients on the bottom and questioned them about their favourite sexual positions. Four women, aged between 26 and 53, have lodged complaints about Aggarwal’s conduct in December 2006 and January 2007. No word on whether the doctor also advocated sex with kids or the use of spiders to get quick hard-ons, but the case isn’t over yet.

(C) 2009 InebriatedPress.com

Source documents:

‘World’s Deadliest Spider’ Found in Whole Foods Produce Section
http://www.foxnews.com/story/0,2933,509876,00.html

North American Man/Boy Love Association, From Wikipedia, the free encyclopedia
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/NAMBLA

Romania weighs decriminalizing consensual incest
http://news.yahoo.com/s/ap/20090321/ap_on_re_eu/eu_europe_incest

Doctor smacked bottoms and quizzed women about sex, court hears
http://www.dailymail.co.uk/news/article-1162682/Doctor-smacked-bottoms-quizzed-women-sex-court-hears.html

Heinrich Himmler, From Wikipedia, the free encyclopedia
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Heinrich_Himmler

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Filed under Division of Rant (with Pretzels), Humor

Obamanomics takes a Hit, and Brain Scans Read Memories

> AIG bailout deal included bonuses; “oops” says Obama team
> Scientists find human memories in brain scans

Inebriated Press
March 19, 2009

090320-brain-scan-bwBloomberg news reported Wednesday that while the Obama administration has said they know where “every dime” of the bailout funds given to AIG was going, they now claim they had no idea that the deal included allowing bonuses to be paid from taxpayer dollars to AIG employees.  Meanwhile Fox News reported last week that neuroscientists say humans create memories of locations in physical or virtual space as they move around – and it all shows up on brain scans.  Pundits say hook up the brain scan machine and let’s find out whether the Obama administration or AIG is full of shit.

Someone named Patty

Someone named Patty

“It’s disingenuous of the Obama administration to claim they know nothing about the AIG bonuses when the bill to fund the bankrupt company included a provision that specifically allowed for the paying of bonuses, and AIG had contracts with employees that contain bonus provisions.  I mean, when you cut a deal to bail out a firm that should be in bankruptcy and say ‘keep doing what you do, you’re too big for us to let you fail’ and then they do it and you’re pissed off, it’s you that’s the idiot, not them,” said Patty Loveless-Heartthrobb, a smart refined medical technician, who dabbles in common sense just enough to keep her out of most personal relationships.  “I’ll bet if we hook up Treasury Secretary Timothy Geithner to the brain scan machine we’ll either learn that he knew all about the terms, or he doesn’t know shit at all.  I won’t suggest hooking up President Obama to it, he’s a community organizer with no governing or management experience so I’d expect his brain to be empty.”

Someone named Heather

Someone named Heather

Not everyone agrees with Loveless-Heartthrobb.  “When anybody is printing bail-out money night and day and shoveling it into badly run companies like water over Niagara Falls, you’ll slip up once in while, you have to expect that.  AIG should just break the contracts with the employees and ignore the provisions that allow them to pay bonuses and do whatever Obama dictates at any given time,” said Heather Ballistic-Gel, a leather importer whose hot looks cause full body spasms in men under five foot two.  “If AIG doesn’t do that, then we’ll pass a special law to selectively tax the employees of AIG who receive it.  You see rule of law no longer applies under Obamanomics and the use of tax as a weapon to coerce and intimidate is the management style of the new regime — I mean Administration.  Look, you’ve got to expect a little fascism to show up in a new socialist country, we’re still ironing out all the details.”

090320-missing-info-bwBloomberg reported that President Barack Obama’s attempt to harness public anger over bonuses paid by American International Group Inc. may backfire on him as Republicans try to redirect that anger toward his administration. “Two weeks ago, the president’s spokesman said they were confident that they knew how every dime was being spent at AIG,” House Republican Leader John Boehner of Ohio told reporters yesterday. “They didn’t know what they were talking about,” Boehner said.

Republican leaders in Congress said Geithner and White House officials should have been aware of the bonuses sooner and acted quicker. They’re also seizing on AIG’s revelations as fresh evidence that Congress should oppose future rescues. Lawmakers are already moving quickly to take the initiative in responding to the public outcry. Montana Democrat Max Baucus and Iowa Republican Charles Grassley, the leaders of the Senate Finance Committee, proposed taxes totaling 70 percent on companies and individuals getting bonuses at firms that receive federal aid.

SmartBrief reported that Columnist Andrew Ross Sorkin writes that while it may not seem fair to pay bonuses to American International Group (AIG) employees, not paying them may lead to bigger issues. Some compensation consultants say that breaking the sanctity of the contracts could lead to other contracts being broken.

090320-brain-toon-bwFox News reported that researchers tracked brain activity related to “spatial memory” as volunteers moved about inside a virtual reality setup.  They discovered that humans create memories of locations in physical or virtual space as they move around – and it all shows up on brain scans. The new study challenges previous scientific thinking by showing that memories are recorded in regular patterns.

The researchers used an fMRI scanner to detect blood flow changes in the brain, and study the activity of the place cells as a volunteer controlled movement inside the virtual environment. They then ran the results through a computer algorithm developed by Demis Hassabis, another neuroscientist at University College London.

Mind-reading research has grown increasingly sophisticated over the years. Another recent study predicted people’s preference for one of two drinks with 80 percent accuracy. And earlier findings showed that people’s brains reflect abnormal activity up to half a minute before making errors. The latest findings on memory could lead to many more studies that examine how actual memories end up encoded across our brain cells, Maguire said.

Some people say it would take a mind reader to know what American’s were thinking when they elected an inexperienced community organizer with no track record of running anything to the office of president of the United States.

090320_obama_hitler_bw“Obama was clear that he wanted to spread the wealth around and that he disagreed with most of the US Constitution, so we shouldn’t be surprised that he’s ‘changing America’ like he said he would,” said Tiny Tim, a short British guy who walks with a limp and often shouts ‘god bless us, everyone’ for reasons unknown.  “The fact that he’s now begun to ignore basic contract law and use coercion and intimidation through the threat of unfair taxation should be no surprise to anyone.  His voting record is to the left of Pelosi’s — when he wasn’t voting ‘present’ because he didn’t know shit or know which way to turn.  Look at him today.  He’s a smooth talker but he’s voting ‘present’ while his band of inmates run the asylum.  We got what we voted for.”

In other news, Australia’s News Limited reported this week that investigators have launched a probe into the “longer lasting sex” company, Advanced Medical Institute (AMI). Consumer Affairs Victoria and NSW’s Office of Fair Trading are both investigating AIM which sells erectile dysfunction drugs. A NSW Office of Fair Trading spokeswoman also issued a general warning for people to carefully read any contract – including the fine print – to ensure they “really want and know what they are signing for”. No word on whether the probe will discover who’s actually getting screwed if anyone, or if rule of law will continue to apply in Australia.  It’s clearly on the ropes in the U.S.A. and damned if fascism isn’t lining up behind it.

(C) 2009 InebriatedPress.com
Source articles:

Obama May Find Anger Over Bonuses Backfires on Agenda
http://www.bloomberg.com/apps/news?pid=20601070&sid=aZUxSgc2XvK0&refer=home

Voiding AIG bonus contracts is a slippery slope
http://www.smartbrief.com/news/cpa/storyDetails.jsp?issueid=986DD671-0A97-43A0-B8DC-FC5694159248&copyid=A82BD3F1-92AE-421E-AE1F-FBE24E53C891

Brain Scans Can Read Memories, Scientists Find
http://www.foxnews.com/story/0,2933,509141,00.html

Probe into ‘longer lasting sex’ company
http://www.news.com.au/business/story/0,27753,25201863-31037,00.html

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National Holiday for Obama, ‘Bonk’ Billboards, and Radioactive Beer Kegs

Supporters in Kansas rally for a National Holiday to Honor Obama
Erectile dysfunction treatment billboards say “Bonk longer!”
Recycled radioactive materials get into beer kegs, purses, and hand tools

Inebriated Press
November 14, 2008

Light-bringer of Redistribution

Light-bringer of Redistribution

The Boston Herald reported Tuesday that Barack Obama supporters in Kansas are organizing “Yes We Can” rallies to “secure a national holiday in Obama’s honor.”  Meanwhile NineMSN-Australia reported on Monday, a company that had its erectile dysfunction treatment billboards banned due to complaints over the “Do you want longer lasting sex?” slogan, has replaced them with a new slogan: “Bonk Longer!”.  And Bloomberg informed the world Tuesday, that recycled metals from India and China containing radioactive materials, are finding their way into products shipped to the U.S.; among them are purses, cutlery, hand tools and even beer kegs. Pundits debate celebrating untested politicians who have recycled socialist ideas that may be radioactive to the economy, and ponder the benefits of glow-in-the dark beer, and road signs that talk Bonk.

“In a world where perception is reality, and a well conceived and managed public relations and marketing campaign can change perception over-night, it makes sense that our country would declare a national holiday for a man who has yet to finish his first term in the US Senate and whose major accomplishment to-date has been to get himself elected president. Because our perception is now different, reality has changed — just like Barack said it would — we have hopes and dreams and that means we already have change.  We should get some radioactive beer and start handing out erectile dysfunction tablets and party on!” exclaimed a mental giant who works part-time at the 7-Eleven, and contemplates income redistribution the way some men do bonking.  “When Barack’s in office I won’t have to worry about my house payment or buying gas for my car or who’s going to pay for my Viagra.  He’s going to make sure that I get everything I want.  When I think about that, I get Chris Matthew sized tingles that go right up my spine and I almost don’t even need med’s to get it on.  Zowie!”

“Yes We Can”

“Yes We Can”

Not everyone is climbing onto the Obama National Holiday train or eyeing financial advancement through income redistribution.  “I’ve been busting my ass running my lawn and garden shop for fifteen years.  I started with nothing, borrowed the money to get going, worked like a slave and today I’m modestly successful, and now Obama plans to take half my income and give it unconditionally to others.  Why would I celebrate a national holiday to honor someone who promises to do that?” asked Hapless Voter, a biped who apparently evolved into an honest hard working citizen, but for reasons unknown didn’t evolve a liberal mindset allowing him to be happy when the government takes his stuff indiscriminately.  “I already pay high taxes, I give over 10% of my income to charity, and volunteer my time to several civic groups and my church.  If the government forcibly takes my money, I’ll have less of it for discretionary giving.  The government is removing my choice, taking the sweat of my brow to do with it whatever it wants, because Obama says a politician’s choices are better than mine.  Explain to me why he’s right and I’m wrong?  I haven’t drunk enough radioactive beer to think that makes any sense.”

The Boston Herald reported that some Obama supporters in Kansas are organizing “Yes We Can” rallies to “secure a national holiday in Obama’s honor,” according to the Topeka Capitol-Journal. They also plan to serve “Obama cake” at the local McDonald’s during the swearing-in. Obama fans have fainted at his campaign events. Harvard academics want George Bush and Dick Cheney to resign immediately. His transition team co-chair told Tom Brokaw she wants President-elect Obama ready “to take power and begin to rule day one.” Was this a presidential election, or a regime change?  The article went on to say, Obama could only muster 52.6 percent of the vote, even after the Wall Street meltdown and outspending John McCain by $100 million in the last weeks of the campaign. The author wrote it was a solid win, but hardly historic.

The Boston Herald writer went on to say even his mother-in-law, smitten with Obama fever said, “This was more than an election, Obama’s going to change things. Really change things.”  He said she could be right. Obama could be a transformational figure, a transcendent being, perhaps even (as his most fervent followers believe) a “light-bringer” who will change the entire world. What we do know is that Obama is a politician. He’s been one since at least 1996, when he knocked his own mentor off the ballot and took her state Senate seat. He’s a politician who voted “present” 130 times rather than vote “yes” or “no” on tough issues. He’s a politician who made Siamese twins of Bush and McCain, two pols at odds for eight years. And you know what President-elect Obama is going to do? Act like a politician, of course.

NineMSN-Australia reported that Advanced Medical Institute’s latest billboard has “Bonk longer!” written in big red letters, a response to the censoring of their similar-looking “Want longer lasting sex?” posters that were outlawed by the Advertising Standards Bureau in August. Despite prompting over 220 complaints from their original campaign, the AMI believes the new promotion will be more acceptable. “I think that people who understand the word ‘bonk’ understand it, and the ones who don’t, don’t,” said AMI spokesman Dr Chris Fenton. About 50 percent of men suffer some form of erectile problem, the AMI says. Currently, only 11 percent seek treatment. The company’s primary product, a drug delivered by nasal spray, costs at least $50 per week.
  

The best beer glows

The best beer glows

Bloomberg reported that improper disposal of industrial equipment and medical scanners containing radioactive materials is letting nuclear waste trickle into scrap smelters, contaminating consumer goods, threatening the $140 billion trade in recycled metal and spurring the United Nations to call for increased screening. Last year, U.S. Customs rejected 64 shipments of radioactive goods at the nation’s ports, including purses, cutlery, sinks and hand tools, according to data released by the Department of Homeland Security in response to a Freedom of Information Act request. India was the largest source, followed by China.

Bloomberg said that abandoned medical scanners, food processing devices and mining equipment containing radioactive metals such as cesium-137 and cobalt-60 are often picked up by scrap collectors and sold to recyclers, according to the International Atomic Energy Agency, the UN’s nuclear arm. Paul de Bruin, radiation safety chief for Jewometaal Stainless Processing BV in Rotterdam, the world’s biggest stainless-steel scrap yard said he sometimes finds such items hidden inside beer kegs and lead pipes to prevent detection. “Because of high scrap prices, any little piece is being sold for recycling,” said Martin Magold, who led a Geneva-based UN team that tracked radioactive metal shipments in Europe. “Alarms will go up dramatically in coming years.”

Some say a little radioactive redistribution is good for everybody.  “What doesn’t kill you makes you stronger,” said Bertha Bigg-Bright, a self-proclaimed WWE wrestler, who says she’s secretly most women and sometimes simultaneously.  “Income redistribution, radioactive waste redistribution, putting Viagra in the water supply, all of these are progressive ideals that’ll have people earning the same income whether they work or not, and humping a lot while glowing in the dark.  We’ll use less energy for lights when we glow, and not have to get prescriptions for sex med’s when they’re in the water.  We’re headed for a new age and I can’t wait.  We should declare a national holiday and get this ball rolling. Let the “light-bringer” brother lead us on! Halleluiah!”

In other news, Australia’s Herald Sun reported Tuesday that Michael Eglington, 53, went to Royal Darwin Hospital last Tuesday to have a wart removed from the base of his penis and says he could have died after an operation left him bleeding heavily and turned his penis black. He was released from the hospital but collapsed from blood loss as he rushed back to the hospital less than an hour after being discharged. The internal bleeding caused his penis and testicles to turn black – and his testicles swelled to more than three times their normal size. “I started feeling a bit warm about the groin,” he said. He said he looked down to see that he was sitting in “an inch of blood” in the chair. He used a nappy to soak up the blood as he drove back to hospital where he collapsed against the emergency counter. Royal Darwin spokeswoman Michelle Foster said the hospital would not comment until an investigation into the incident was complete. No word on whether the hospital offered him radioactive beer or erectile dysfunction med’s but sources claim they have no national holidays planned to celebrate the event.

(C) 2008 InebriatedPress.com

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