Tag Archives: ethics

Hearse Driver Breaks for Beer, “Pulling Out” Rivals Condoms, and Teacher Writes Book about Sex with Students

> Family waits at Cemetery while Hearse Driver Buys Beer
> Study: “Pulling Out” nearly as Effective as Condoms
> Woman teacher writes book describing sexual encounters with ‘favorite’ students

Inebriated Press
June 1, 2009

Beer, the sirens song

Beer, the sirens song

United Press International (UPI) reported Wednesday that the hearse driver for a funeral home stopped for a beer and failed to deliver a body to the cemetery while the family waited.  And CBS News reported Thursday that a new study claims withdrawal before ejaculation during intercourse, is nearly as effective at preventing pregnancy as condoms.  Meanwhile, Fox News reported Wednesday that a British teacher has been fired for publishing a novel describing sexual encounters with some of her students.  Pundits are debating the ethical risks and rewards of beer, condoms, and sex with children.

kareliya“There’s really nothing inherently wrong with teachers having sex with their students as long as the boys pull out soon enough and both the adult and child have been drinking heavily,” said some twisted bastard who will remain unnamed because she is likely to be nominated to the Supreme Court in the future.  “In a society where the random thoughts of a Hispanic woman trumps rule of law, white men and the U.S. Constitution, any freaking thing goes, and that’s how it should be.  Relative ethics, relative law, and sex with relatives and children are all fine.  There are no inherent rights or wrongs, it’s all up to whoever is in power to decide what’s good and bad, who’s happy or sad, who gives up most of their income and the slackers that it should be given to.  As far as the hearse driver who stopped for beer, let’s face it, it’s every person’s right to have beer. So what if the family waited in the cemetery wondering where the body of their loved one went.  The body was dead anyway so it didn’t care, and the family probably had nothing better to do than hang out.  If they’d been smart they’d have been someplace else slamming beer and having pullout sex.  Hope and change baby.  Let’s get with it.”

Someone named Lana

Someone named Lana

Not everyone agrees with the twisted bastard who discards morality and the Constitution, and will probably be on the Supreme Court defining both someday.  “Stopping off to buy beer when you should be delivering the body of a loved one to the family waiting at a cemetery is tasteless and rude — and I’m using kind words.  Go buy beer on your own time, after you’ve done your job.  And the idea that ethics are so relative and random that it’s okay for teachers to have sex with students and write books about it; or to promote the idea that not using condoms is no more risky than using them, is stupid, in addition to being wrong,” said Lana Ethical-Abbs, an account executive whose body and ethics are both lean, strong and attractive to many.  “Fire and then prosecute the teacher for illegal sexual contact with minors, fire the hearse driver and apologize to that poor family, then cut in-half the fee the mortuary was charging them; and then ignore the ridiculous ‘no-condoms are just as good as condoms’ study.  We need common sense and proper application of law, safe sex and beer acquisition.  It doesn’t seem that complicated to me.  But then, Obama just nominated a person to the Supreme Court who disagrees with the very Constitution she’ll be sworn to defend and correctly interpret, so I guess common sense isn’t in vogue anymore.  Liberal empathy is supposed to rule today.  Trouble is it’s funded by conservative taxpayer dollars and the erosion of both the rule of law and economic sustainability.  In the end it amounts to nothingness, the foundation is gone; it’s like ‘building ones house upon the sand’.  A family, society or a country can’t stay strong very long that way.”

HearseUPI reported that the hearse driver for a Bogota funeral home stopped for a beer and failed to deliver a body to the cemetery while the family waited, police said. The Latin American Herald Tribune reported Wednesday that relatives and friends of Tito Vasquez waited for several hours Sunday at the Campos de Cristo cemetery for the hearse to arrive so that they could bury their loved one. Vasquez’s family said they could not understand why his body was not being delivered for the funeral. Police said Vasquez’s body was eventually found in the hearse in the parking lot of a motel in Bogota’s San Bernardo neighborhood.

Jettison delivery! Bail! Bail!

Jettison delivery! Bail! Bail!

CBS News reported that most sexually active people don’t think that the pullout method is a very effective form of contraception, but according to a new study withdrawal before ejaculation during intercourse, is more than just “better than nothing,” and is nearly as effective at preventing pregnancy as condoms. The study, titled “Better than nothing or savvy risk reduction practice? The importance of withdrawal,” appears in the June edition of the journal Contraception. The authors found: “If the male partner withdraws before ejaculation every time a couple has vaginal intercourse, about 4% of couples will become pregnant over the course of a year. However, more realistic estimates of typical use indicate that about 18% of couples will become pregnant in a year using withdrawal. These rates are only slightly less effective than male condoms, which have perfect- and typical-use failure rates of 2% and 17%, respectively.”

Teacher and "favorite"

Teacher and "favorite"

Fox News reported that a British teacher reportedly has been fired for publishing a novel describing sexual encounters with some of her students. The fictional work “Stop! Don’t Read This” focuses on five of Leonora Rustamova’s “favorite” students at Calder High School and addresses the 39-year-old’s growing struggle to view her students as “kids.” She also writes about her tendency to flirt with students and allow them to flirt with and fantasize about her, according to the Daily Telegraph. In addition, the expletive-filled book featured stories of students drinking, skipping school and possibly using drugs. It also named other faculty members, including the school’s headmaster Stephen Ball, the Daily Telegraph reported. When she was suspended in January over the book’s release, more than 250 students and parents demonstrated in support of Rustamova, saying she was only try to encourage the students to read, the Telegraph reported. The school announced on Wednesday that she had been terminated following a disciplinary hearing into her conduct.

Some people say the teacher was simply using the same approach as Playboy’s Hugh Hefner because just at most men buy his porn magazine for the articles, most students are more interested in literature than sex.  A few others are just interested in silly old-fashioned writing and pre-Obama ideals.

Boring traditional American guy

Boring traditional American guy

“Give me a dusty old copy of Shakespeare over a glossy new Maxim any day, I’m way more into cryptic hard-to-read classic bullshit than some hot easy-to-see-through babe busting out of her clothes all over the place,” said some guy busting out of his clothes all over the place and probably lying like hell.  “Today’s ‘new’ trends like teacher-student sex, leaving people rot while you buy beer, and pullout contraception, are pathetic jokes.  Give me a gal with old-fashioned common sense, an in-shape body that will sustain her health in the long run, some old-school Trojans for that ‘just-in-case’ moment, and a couple Jack Daniels on-the-rocks after work.  That may sound boring as hell to some anti-Constitutional relativist who’d rather bang some school children, but my way built America and sustains it today.  It’ll continue sustaining it if the voters will pull their heads out of their asses long enough to elect some leaders who believe in limited government, lower taxes and a free market economy.  It’s time to get our shit together and get back to boring old traditional-American values.  The pretty boy in the White House isn’t doing us any favors.  Believe me.”

no-parkingIn other news, Florida’s St. Petersburg Times reported that Tarpon Springs police blame a local developer for installing fake “no parking” signs around a popular city restaurant that resulted in 233 tickets being written in a two-year span. At the same time, acting police Chief Robert Kochen acknowledged his department’s failure to properly handle the matter. In a 23-page report released this week, Kochen said developer Mike Bronson admitted recently to installing the signs along the city’s right of way after initially denying it. The report says criminal charges against Bronson would not be feasible at this time, but makes no mention of other possible penalties. Kochen said:” The Police Department’s patrol officers were doing their job and they had no reason (at the time) to believe any of these signs may have been unauthorized by the city.”  No word on how the police feel about hearse drivers buying beer instead of delivering bodies, or underage teacher-student sex, but since they were faked out by pretend no-parking signs it’s a good bet that they’re probably also faked out by the “benefits” of no-condom contraception.  But I could be wrong.  It seems that after two-years and a 23-page report they eventually figure shit out.

(C) 2009 InebriatedPress.com

Source articles:

Hearse driver stops for beer
http://www.upi.com/Odd_News/2009/05/27/Hearse-driver-stops-for-beer/UPI-85171243471695/

“Pulling Out” Rivals Condoms, Study Says
http://www.cbsnews.com/stories/2009/05/28/health/main5045514.shtml

Better than nothing or savvy risk-reduction practice? The importance of withdrawal
http://www.guttmacher.org/pubs/journals/reprints/Contraception79-407-410.pdf

Report: British Teacher Fired for Writing Racy Novel About Her ‘Favorite’ Students
http://www.foxnews.com/story/0,2933,522407,00.html

Teacher sacked over racy novel that named students
http://www.telegraph.co.uk/education/educationnews/5393597/Teacher-sacked-over-racy-novel-that-named-students.html

Fake ‘no parking’ signs fool Tarpon Springs police, who write 233 tickets near Tarpon Turtle restaurant
http://www.tampabay.com/news/localgovernment/article1005017.ece

Comments Off on Hearse Driver Breaks for Beer, “Pulling Out” Rivals Condoms, and Teacher Writes Book about Sex with Students

Filed under Humor, IP News

Legalized Vice to Lift Tax Burden; Outsized Male the Last of the Real Men; and Porn Cures Medical Condition

> Time to Legalize (and tax) Drugs, Prostitution, and Gambling
> The Outsized Male a Cut Above the Rest
> XXX Cures Better Than Rx Does

Inebriated Press
May 26, 2009

Obama Stimulus 2.0

Obama Stimulus 2.0

Reason Online reported last week that the Obama administration wants to encourage treatment of drug addicts rather than putting them in jail for breaking the law. Nick Gillespie says he has a better idea: Legalize drugs, gambling and prostitution, then tax sales of them, and fill the federal and state government’s coffers. And the UK Daily Express reported last week that as far as Kate Mulvey is concerned, the outsized male (OM) is the last of the real men. Her view of the perfect sized guy: James Gandolfini of HBO’s ‘Sopranos’ big. A balding fat bloke who struts around half naked with his generous stomach hanging out, eating and giving orders with equal gusto. Meanwhile, Newsweek Magazine reported last week that makers of a testosterone supplement are launching a national campaign touting the youth-enhancing benefits of their product. But there may be a cheaper, less clinical solution to low hormone levels. In studies, monkeys that see sexually active females register as much as a 400 percent jump in testosterone.  Porn can do what medication does; maybe even do it better.  Visionaries contemplating taxes and testosterone, see a new ‘Las Vegas style’ healthcare program emanating from D.C. capable of ending the national debt and restoring sexual vitality — especially to big boys — all across America.

Some brawny dude

Some brawny dude

“When Obama’s new national healthcare initiative legalizes drugs, prostitution and gambling — for the health benefits — and then taxes them, not only will American’s have better attitudes and be happier and healthier, but state and federal governments will also generate billions of dollars in new tax revenue.  Big guys will have higher levels of testosterone and be appreciated by women who’ve given up on the scrawny metrosexual types, and want real men who take up space and are noticed when they hug the people they love,” said Brawny Beeff-Mann, a fry cook and pork aficionado who likes food and sex but not always in that order.  “I can hardly wait to deduct my porn subscriptions, marijuana purchases and hooker ‘appointments’ as medical costs on my IRS forms.  And the cool thing is, that even though this will constitute new middle class tax cuts, these new legal products and services will be generating so many new dollars in tax revenue, that it will more than offset my lower tax payments to the government. It’s win-win all around.  I’d like to talk more but I’ve got an appointment with a healthcare provider at the Bunny Ranch.  Got to keep in tip-top shape you know.”

Someone named Sheri

Someone named Sheri

Not everyone agrees with Beeff-Mann.  “The legalization of these vices would exacerbate the current trend toward ethical degradation that is already plaguing society and resulting in high levels of crime, disease, and both social and economic costs.  Legalizing these forms of immorality would simply spread disease and emotional costs to more individuals and would dwarf any attempt to ‘tax our way to prosperity’ no matter how well intentioned,” said Sheri Cheri-Koke, director of the Ethical Swamp & Moral Minority Club, and a sweet delight to those who know and love her.  “I don’t consider myself a prude, but do you really think that legalized drugs will make people healthier, or that legalized gambling is going to make the country happier?  And I’ve yet to see legalized hooking make a better, brighter and happier populace in total.  Typically illegal prostitution ends up being replaced by an increase in illegal kiddy porn and human trafficking.  Unless we plan to legalize and tax those too.  Some slippery slopes can never be walked on safely and should never be attempted.”

War on drugs or War for drugs?

War on drugs or War for drugs?

Reason Online reported that the Obama administration’s drug czar made news recently by saying he wanted to end all loose talk about a “war on drugs.” “We’re not at war with people in this country,” said the czar, Gil Kerlikowske, who favors forcing people into treatment programs rather than jail cells.  Nick Gillespie says here’s a better idea—and one that will help the federal and state governments fill their coffers: Legalize drugs and then tax sales of them. And while we’re at it, welcome all forms of gambling (rather than just the few currently and arbitrarily allowed) and let prostitution go legit too. All of these vices, involving billions of dollars and consenting adults, already take place. They just take place beyond the taxman’s reach. Legalizing the world’s oldest profession probably wasn’t what Rahm Emanuel, the White House chief of staff, meant when he said that we should never allow a crisis to go to waste. But turning America into a Sin City on a Hill could help President Obama pay for his ambitious plans to overhaul health care, invest in green energy, and create gee-whiz trains that whisk “through towns at speeds over 100 miles an hour.” More taxed vices would certainly lead to significant new revenue streams at every level. That’s one of the reasons 52 percent of voters in a recent Zogby poll said they support legalizing, taxing and regulating the growth and sale of marijuana. Similar cases could be made for prostitution and all forms of gambling.

Gandolfini

Gandolfini

Daily Express reported that Kate Mulvey says the size of a romantic male template matters to her, and hers is 6ft tall and fat. As far as she is concerned the outsized male (OM) is the last of the real men. More bulk than beauty, the OM has shoulders like the QE2, hands like JCB diggers and a stomach more medicine ball than six-pack. The rippled torso of Tom Cruise or the snake-hipped charm of Leonardo DiCaprio are not for her. Kate says give her belly in the bedroom any day. And she’s not advocating a taste for lovable little podgers. A roly-poly fat man with sausage fingers and an unmuscled body is far from attractive. When she says big she means James Gandolfini big. Remember him in the American TV soap The Sopranos? He was the balding fat bloke who strutted around half naked with his generous stomach hanging out, eating and giving orders with equal gusto. These men – think Gérard Depardieu, Michael Madsen and Ray Winstone – are a heady mixture of tough dominance and avuncular reassurance that ultimately is more thrilling than your wimpy, moisturized metrosexual. Mulvey says there is something wonderfully comforting about resting your head on a chest the size of a small country. The OM is simply a cut above the rest.

Hey Guys, Your Low-T is Getting Fixed, Right Now!

Hey Guys, Your Low-T is Getting Fixed, Right Now!

Newsweek reported that the makers of a testosterone supplement are launching a national campaign touting the youth-enhancing benefits of their product. But there may be a cheaper, less clinical solution to low hormone levels. Porn or prescriptions? It hardly sounds likes a typical fork in the road. But it’s the choice that middle-aged American males apparently may face if they suffer from symptoms of low testosterone—as around five million men do, a figure that seems to be growing along with male girths, diabetes and the aging boomer generation. The case for pornography derives from research showing that adult fare can help restore a sapped male mojo. Monkeys that see sexually active females register as much as a 400 percent jump in testosterone (nature’s own performance-enhancing drug) promoting lean muscle and quick recovery times, according to the Yerkes Center for Primate Research at Emory University. In humans, German researchers have found that just having an erection is enough to spur testosterone levels. It makes no difference whether a man is watching sex on a screen or having it in real life, his testosterone levels will go up. Just having an erection, in fact, is enough to spur production.

By prescription only

By prescription only

Such findings, along with work that shows family life to be a drain on testosterone levels, prompted Rutgers University sex researcher Helen Fisher to advise this month that males in the “captivity situation”-her term for married with kids-“go on the Internet and look at porn” as a kind of hormone-replacement therapy. “[Porn] drives up dopamine levels, which drives up your testosterone,” she tells NEWSWEEK, while kissing your wife or hugging your kids drives it down. Competing with your Playboy subscription, however, are prescription drugs-including the futuristic sounding AndroGel, a testosterone foam that hormone-challenged men have been rubbing on their bodies for almost a decade. More than 10 million prescriptions have been filled in that time, and now the maker, Solvay Pharmaceuticals, is trying to raise its legal steroid to a Viagra-level of visibility, making “Low T” as recognizable a phrase as “E.D.”

So what’s a guy to do? Perhaps nothing. Testosterone loss is a natural part of aging. Most men lose about 1 percent of their supply annually starting at age 30, more if they are obese, diabetic, a binge drinker, a vegetarian, a yo-yo dieter or have a pituitary-gland disorder. It’s unlikely that the porn industry will begin a marketing campaign touting the hormone-replacement benefits of their products, though there is some chance that doctors could start recommending regular porn to their testosterone-challenged patients.

Some people say that the combination of a high red-meat and hot-sex diet have always been key to perpetuating the species.

This and a free market can do wonders for the economy

This and a free market can do wonders for the economy

“If you think that metrosexual vegetarians are going to sustain a countries population base and social and economic strength, you’re out of your mind,” said someone claiming to be in their mind.  “Only red meat eating, sex loving guys with a dose of common sense and a high appreciation for free market capitalism can provide a solid base for a countries strength.  And that’s true regardless of whether you legalize and tax prostitution, gambling and drugs.  In the end, it’s all about the people.  I wonder what the studies about women will say — besides some of them liking plus-sized dudes.  I’ll bet the tree-hugging veggie eating women can’t sustain shit either.  Good thing there are some solid red-blooded meat-eating chicks that are smart, hot looking and give a shit about building the free market.  We can remake America the right way if we can start hooking these men and women up.”

Now we’re talking a real stimulus plan.

(C) 2009 InebriatedPress.com

Source documents:

Paying With Our Sins
http://reason.com/news/show/133598.html

WHY I LOVE LARGER MEN
http://www.express.co.uk/posts/view/102458/Why-I-love-larger-men

Rx vs. XXX
http://www.newsweek.com/id/198512?from=rss

BunnyRanch
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/BunnyRanch_Two

Comments Off on Legalized Vice to Lift Tax Burden; Outsized Male the Last of the Real Men; and Porn Cures Medical Condition

Filed under Humor, IP News

Track People in Real-Time for Just $10 a Month, Make a Robber your Sex-Slave, and Stone Women Who Disagree with Your Right to Rape Them

> New GPS service tracks people for you, reminds them you’re watching
> Thief caught in business, fed Viagra, made a sex-slave
> Afghan women protest legalized rape, get pelted with stones

Inebriated Press
April 17, 2009

Big brotherCNet News reported Wednesday that AT&T is offering a new service that allows people to track the location of any cell phone on AT&T’s network from a mobile phone or PC.  And Russia Today reported Tuesday that a hairdresser from the Russian town of Meshchovsk subdued a man who tried to rob her shop, then fed him Viagra and raped him for three days in the utility room.  Meanwhile, MSNBC reported Wednesday that a group of some 1,000 Afghans swarmed a demonstration of 300 women protesting against a law legalizing marital rape, and threw stones at them while chanting “Death to the slaves of the Christians!”.  Inebriated reporters busily GPS-tracking former boy-friends and contemplating turning them into sex-slaves, paused long enough to say that if raping women is legal, then raping men is legal.

Someone named Amanda

Someone named Amanda

“First let me say that I abhor any kind of rape by anyone of anyone under any circumstance, and the notion that it’s okay at all is immoral, unethical and abuse in the highest degree.  That said, if raping women is legalized then so is raping men, particularly those who support the Afghan law, and I will act within the rules of equitable legislation if I want to, and guarantee it will be less fun than these bastards think it will be,” said Amanda Stone-Sharpp, a part-time writer and full-time baker at the Cup Cake and Full Metal Jacket Ammo Store.  “Rape inside or outside of marriage is equally wrong because it violates the individual, the person we are, the distinct human being that declares ‘I am’, and it takes from them the dignity that all human beings deserve.  It makes a person a non-person by declaring their own body and it’s internal functions are someone else’s to do with as they please, whenever they please.  I share my body with those I decide to share it with, and on my terms.  Anyone who violates that, deserves to die.  Let me clarify that in case you didn’t understand: anyone who rapes me, dies.  I will kill them myself if need be.  Capeshe?”

Someone named Himmler, with date

Someone named Himmler, with date

Not everyone agrees with Stone-Sharpp.  “I don’t need any moral clap-trap about what is ‘right’ or ‘wrong’ about rape, murder or anything else I feel like doing.  If I am able to create a rule that says I can legally rape you, or tax your money and redistribute it, or lock you up as a subversive because you’re against abortion or believe in god, then it becomes my right,” said Acmed Himmler, an Arab Nazi with a predisposition toward social efficiency driven by personal power and a desire to kill anyone he disagrees with, for societies greater good.  “There are no moral imperatives, it’s all about power.  Nature has no ethics and Darwinism supported by Atheism makes man the center of the universe and whatever we decide is law.  The strong survive and the weak perish.  Raping indiscriminately, or killing Jews at our pleasure, is legal if we say so.  I will not be held to any set of ethics as though some ‘god’ is behind it that I have to answer to.  Moralists are a waste of time.  Naturally occurring chaos subjected to those who wield raw power is all that counts.  The future is mine.  I’m the new wave of old school baby.”

AT&T Tracking Service

AT&T Tracking Service

CNet News reported that AT&T is offering a new service that allows parents–or potentially jealous spouses/boyfriends/girlfriends–to track loved ones using their phones. AT&T’s service, called FamilyMaps, allows people to track the location of any cell phone on AT&T’s network from a mobile phone or PC. The person being tracked receives a text message informing him or her that he or she is being watched. Users can either track someone in real time by viewing the location on a map or they can set up the service to send them text message alerts or e-mails with location information. For example, a parent may get an alert each day that his child made it home from school. Or perhaps a jealous girlfriend looking to keep tabs on her boyfriend could set up the service to notify her if her boyfriend happens to wander into a bar or over to his ex-girlfriend’s apartment after work. The service uses satellite GPS technology and cell tower triangulation to pin-point the location of the phone. The service is not supported on prepaid or AT&T Go Phones. And the service costs $9.99 for two phones and $14.99 for up to five phones.

Bad ass Olga

Bad ass Olga

Russia Today reported that a hairdresser from the small Russian town of Meshchovsk has subdued a man who tried to rob her shop, and then raped him for three days in the utility room. The incident occurred on Saturday, March 14. The working day was coming to an end at a small hairdressers, when a man armed with a gun rushed in and demanded the day’s earnings. The frightened employees and customers agreed to fulfill his demand, but when the shop’s owner, 28-year-old Olga, was handing the money to the robber, she suddenly knocked him down on the floor and then tied him up with a hairdryer cord. The 32-year-old Viktor couldn’t have known that the woman was a yellow belt in karate.

Power of Viagra

Power of Viagra

Olga locked the unlucky robber in the utility room and told her colleagues that she was going to call the police – but didn’t do so. When everybody left for home, she approached the man and ordered him to ‘take of his underpants’ threatening to hand him over to the police if he refuses to cooperate. After that Olga raped her hostage for three straight days. She chained Viktor to a radiator with pink furry handcuffs and fed him Viagra. She eventually let the man go on Monday, March 16, saying: “Get out of my sight!” Viktor went straight to hospital as his genitals were injured, and then to the police. Olga was resentful when she was taken by the police. “What a bastard,” the woman said about Viktor. “Yes, we had sex a couple of times.” Both Olga and Viktor may now face prison terms. The woman could be convicted of rape, while the man of robbery.

Afghan protest

Afghan protest

MSNBC reported that a group of some 1,000 Afghans swarmed a demonstration of 300 women protesting against a new marriage law on Wednesday. The women were pelted with stones as police struggled to keep the two groups apart. The law, passed last month, says a husband can demand sex with his wife every four days unless she is ill or would be harmed by intercourse — a clause that critics say legalizes marital rape. It also regulates when and for what reasons a wife may leave her home alone.  Women’s rights activists scheduled a protest Wednesday attended by mostly young women. But the group was swamped by counter-protesters — both men and women — who shouted down the women’s chants. Some picked up gravel and stones and threw them at the women, while others shouted “Death to the slaves of the Christians!” Female police held hands around the group in an attempt to create a protective barrier, but did not arrest the people throwing stones. 

If the law says it's okay, it must be okay

If the law says it's okay, it must be okay

Fourteen-year-old Masuma Hasani said her whole family had come out to protest the law — both her parents and her younger sister who she held by the arm. “I am concerned about my future with this law,” she said. “We want our rights. We don’t want women to just be used.” As the back-and-forth continued, another demonstration of Shiite women who said they support the law began. “We don’t want foreigners interfering in our lives. They are the enemy of Afghanistan,” said 24-year-old Mariam Sajadi. Sajadi is engaged, and said she plans to ask her husband’s permission to leave the house as put forth in the law. She said other controversial articles — such as one giving the husband the right to demand sex from his wife every fourth day — have been misinterpreted by Westerners who are anti-Islam.

Oops, you're knocked up

Oops, you're knocked up

In other news, Sweden’s The Local reported Wednesday that a young Swedish couple found to their amazement that they were expecting a baby – despite the fact that the girl had a contraceptive implant. When the implant was removed the mystery became clear – she had been given a dummy model. Jessica Lindberg, who lives in Gothenburg, was only 16-years-old when she became pregnant. Both the National Board of Health and Welfare (Socialstyrelsen) and the public health disciplinary board (Hälsö- och sjukvårdens ansvarsnämnd – HSAN) have reviewed the case, but neither has managed to develop an explanation. The young couple are now the parents of a two-year-old boy. The couple’s insurance company has rejected their claim for compensation arguing that “no one has been hurt”. No word on whether the company considers men or women rape victims as being hurt, but that’s just because ethics are mere concepts and laws are actually subjective until raw power sorts them out.

(C) 2009 InebriatedPress.com

Source articles:

AT&T launches family-tracking service
http://news.cnet.com/8301-1035_3-10219786-94.html?tag=newsEditorsPicksArea.0

Hairdresser turns robber into sex-slave
http://russiatoday.ru/Top_News/2009-04-14/Hairdresser_turns_robber_into_sex-slave.html?fullstory

Violence flares at protest over Afghan sex law
http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/30223599/

Swedish teen pregnant after implant mix-up
http://www.thelocal.se/18864.html

Comments Off on Track People in Real-Time for Just $10 a Month, Make a Robber your Sex-Slave, and Stone Women Who Disagree with Your Right to Rape Them

Filed under Division of Rant (with Pretzels), Humor

Cleared to Orgasm before 11pm, Legalizing Illegal Immigrants, and the Swedish Child Porn Library

> Standards Authority OKs Orgasms on Early Evening TV
> Obama to Legalize 12 million Illegal Aliens
> Swedish National Library Reported for Child Porn
.
Inebriated Press
April 10, 2009

Orgasm before 11pmThe UK Telegraph reported Wednesday that a ruling by the Advertising Standards Authority says it’s okay if women orgasm on television before 11pm, or at least appear to do so.  And the New York times reported Wednesday that U.S. president Obama will initiate a plan to make legal status possible for an estimated 12 million illegal immigrants.  Meanwhile, The Local reported Monday that Swedish child protection groups are attempting to stop the distribution of the National Library’s collection of child pornography.  The library holds large quantities of pornography, featuring children as young as 10-years-old. Inebriated reporters, stumbling around half naked behind a local strip club, have come in out of the rain long enough to debate why some people are bothered by any of this news. 

Someone named Sandy

Someone named Sandy

“Since all ethics are subjective and arbitrary, people who argue on behalf of common sense saying that child porn is wrong, or that illegal immigration is against the law, or that sex on TV during childrens viewing hours is bad somehow, are all confused and irrelavant.  They say there’s some value to social stability, and that child abuse is bad,” said Sandy Twisted-Deviant, a pretend reporter of no repute, who hopes the decision by the Standards Authority will somehow result in her having an instant orgasm each evening at 10pm.  “Rule of law is an old-fashioned standard foised upon humankind by hard ass old timers who held the silly idea that individual human beings had value that should be protected, and that individual rights were ‘bestowed on them by their creator, and that among those rights were life, liberty and the pursuit of happiness’.  It’s a bunch of clap-trap.  The State gives rights and decides how to value them.  The idea that an indivdual human life has any value went away when we decided to kill unborn kids, and that happened centries ago.  Silly reform type people are clinging to irrational logic.  There are no rules.  Chaos is natural and should be embrased.  Based on his policy initiatives, Barack Obama understands this.  The old America is gone baby.  And good ridance.”

Someone named Nancy

Someone named Nancy

Not everyone agrees with Twisted-Deviant.  “Sex on TV during kids viewing hours, legalizing law breakers, and State sanctioned child porn distribution systems, demonstrate a decline of civil society into a morase of relativism and arbitrary ethics.  It’s like a black hole sucking away truth, justice, freedom, love and beauty — all the things that make humanity different from the animals,” said Nancy Happi-Halo, a conservative social activist disguised as a hot blonde nuclear physicst.  “The concept of rights derived from god and endowed upon human beings makes taking it away wrong, and defending it a core principle of both religion and human duty.  Lacking that, Twisted-Deviant has a point, human ethics are whatever we make up.  The founders of the United States understood that, having lived in Europe and under the changing ethics of whatever king was in charge at the time.  I know that interpretation of god’s will is the reason hundreds, maybe thousands of religions have all popped up and are fought over.  Yet within each of them is the kernal of ‘fairness’.  And its the key, unless it’s perverted in an attempt to oppress some sex, or person, or group.  I’ve concluded that being a ‘god and guns’ person, like the original American founders, gives me the best shot at living in a country with real freedoms, rights and economic opportunity and stability.”

Daylight OrgasmThe Telegraph reported that the Advertising Standards Authority cleared an advert promoting orgasm enhancing gel. It was given a post-11pm restriction by the TV ad clearance body Clearcast, but ran on Channel 4 at 10.05pm, prompting a complaint to the ASA that it was “offensive and overly graphic”. The advert for Durex Play O Orgasmic Gel featured a montage of silent clips of women who appeared to express sexual ecstasy set to an excerpt from Mozart’s “Magic Flute”. A female voice-over stated “Feel like never before. New Durex Play O. Pleasure enhancing gel for women. Durex Play, all you need.” The ASA said that despite the ad being run earlier than Clearcast’s scheduling advice it considered the TV ad was “unlikely to cause offence to viewers”. The decision comes just over a week after the ASA recommended that the whole system be liberalised to allow pre-watershed adverts for condoms and abortions.

Obama gets illegal's backing

Obama gets illegal's backing

The New York Times reported that President Obama plans to begin addressing the country’s immigration system this year, including a plan to make legal status possible for an estimated 12 million illegal immigrants. Mr. Obama will frame the new effort — likely to rouse passions on all sides of the highly divisive issue — as “policy reform that controls immigration and makes it an orderly system,” said the official, Cecilia Muñoz, deputy assistant to the president and director of intergovernmental affairs in the White House. Mr. Obama plans to speak publicly about the issue in May, administration officials said, and over the summer he will convene working groups, including lawmakers from both parties and a range of immigration groups, to begin discussing possible legislation for as early as this fall. In broad outlines, officials said, the Obama administration favors legislation that would bring illegal immigrants into the legal system by recognizing that they violated the law, and imposing fines and other penalties to fit the offense. Anticipating opposition, Mr. Obama has sought to shift some of the political burden to advocates for immigrants, by encouraging them to build support among voters for when his proposal goes to Congress. Administration officials emphasized that many details remained to be debated.

Swede Child Porn Library

Swede Child Porn Library

The Local reported that the Swedish national library will be reported to the police for the possession and distribution of child pornography by two Swedish child protection groups, Hand i Hand (literally: hand in hand) and the Föreningen Anhöriga Till Sexuellt Utnyttjade Barn (ATSUB – The Association of Relatives to Sexually-abused Children). Birgitta Holmberg at ATSUB told The Local on Monday that the purpose of the police report is two-fold. Firstly to put a stop to the distribution of the National Library’s collection of child pornography, and secondly to expose how much of the library’s collection has been copied. The existence of the National Library’s collection of child pornography emerged after a visit by the writer Valentin Bart in November 2008. Not only does the library hold large quantities of pornography, featuring children as young as 10-years-old, but access to the material was straightforward, and easy to get and copy. “We want strict licensing and control of researchers,” Holmberg said.

Hire me baby, I'm new and improved

Hire me baby, I'm new and improved

In other news, Reuters reported Wednesday that when the going gets tough, some of the tough get going to the plastic surgeon’s office. Some surgeons and patients are now citing increased interest in surgery among people wanting to look younger and “fresher” for the ever-competitive job market. The American Society of Plastic Surgeons released a recent survey showing that American women were looking at cosmetic surgery to get a competitive edge in the workplace. About 13 percent of the 756 women surveyed, between the ages of 18 and 64, say they would consider having a cosmetic medical procedure to make them more confident and more competitive in the job market. Manhattan plastic surgeon Stephen Greenberg saw an opportunity in this growing trend and recently began promoting a “Job Fighter Package” for men and women.

“We’ve probably done no less than 50 to 60 tune-ups since launching the package about five months ago,” Greenberg said, noting that not all the “tuneups” have involved surgeries, but also less costly and invasive procedures like cosmetic injectables. No word on the doc’s feel about TV orgasms, State sanctioned library child porn distribution or legalizing illegal immigrants, but if it allows them to create a “child porn fighter” package, or “free the illegals” package, and gets them an orgasm before 11pm, you can bet they’ll be big-time supporters.  Let chaos rein.

(C) 2009 InebriatedPress.com

Source articles:

Women may orgasm on television before 11pm
http://www.telegraph.co.uk/culture/tvandradio/5124704/Women-may-orgasm-on-television-before-11pm.html

Obama to Push Immigration Bill as One Priority
http://www.nytimes.com/2009/04/09/us/politics/09immig.html

Swedish national library reported for child porn
http://www.thelocal.se/18704/20090406/

Plastic surgery is latest accessory for job seekers
http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/30112465/

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Filed under Division of Rant (with Pretzels), Humor

Porn bidding war over Octomom, Newspaper man runs strip club, and Feds seize porn, meat and booze

> Octuplet mom offered a million dollars to do porn
> Facing tough times in news business, writer turns to strip club
> Feds at Dulles Airport snag lots of porn, meat and booze

Inebriated Press
March 2, 2009

Octomom

Octomom

The Chicago Sun-Times reported Friday that the mother of octuplets born last month in California has received bids from two adult entertainment companies, including an offer of one million dollars to star in a porn movie. And, the Wall Street Journal reported recently that a writer and Pulitzer Prize nominee at the Dallas Morning News faced a probable job loss, so he made a significant career change: he’s now the manager of a topless joint.  Meanwhile, NBC Washington reported Friday that Customs and Border Protection officials at Dulles International Airport say they’ve seized an unusually high number of items from international travelers in the past week including porn, vodka and pork sausage.  Inebriated reporters say that if the three events can be organized into one party we’ll have a hell of a time and forget what Obama is doing to the country.

"I won."

"I won."

“If the Dulles Feds would ship all the booze, porn and meat products to the Dallas strip club and the adult film companies would bring their guys and gals plus the Octomom to the club, we could make a weekend party that would not only be saleable on DVD or downloadable off the Internet for big bucks, but we’d completely forget that Obama is making a complete disaster of our economy for years to come,” said Inebriated reporter Dusty Oldd-Boote, nursing a Jack Daniels and a grudge against the Democrats.  “Hell the event would stimulate the economy plus all of the participants. Come to think of it, we could probably get some government stimulus cash to fund the whole bash and establish a government website to distribute the video. I’m thinking StimulateAmerica.gov. Maybe we shouldn’t care what Obama is doing but go along with him and try to get a piece of the action ourselves.  It worked for the Clintons.”

Porn-made Obama

Porn-made Obama

Not everyone likes the ideas that Inebriated reporters come up with.  “It’s bad enough that the economy is in shambles and Obama is going to spend another couple trillion dollars on he and his cronies liberal ideas and saddle the country with socialism and massive perpetual debt and fraud, we sure don’t need to encourage the abandonment of the last vestiges of American ethics by partying with porn queens, octomoms and has-been newspaper men,” said Mildred Hightower-Flatbottom, an unusually attractive restaurant manager and part-time zealot.  “We should be fighting against the loss of American values including self-sufficiency, market driven economics, Judeo-Christian ethics and good common sense.  Now is not the time to give in to Chicago style politics and Pentagon bomber ethics.  Sure, I like meat, booze and sex too, but not in porno-styled theatrics or orgasmic Obama spending sprees.  Let’s settle down here.  All is not lost unless we let it.”

090302-vivid-pornotube-logos1The Chicago Sun-Times reported Nadya Suleman, the mother of octuplets born last month in California, received an offer of one million dollars plus a year of health insurance by Los Angeles-based Vivid Entertainment, the world’s largest adult film producer, if the unemployed 33-year-old starred in a porn movie. But rival porn company Pink Visual has responded by urging Suleman not to participate in the Vivid movie — and offered her a year’s supply of diapers for her octuplets if she turns down the offer. Pink Visual’s manager Kim Kysar said in a letter to Suleman that the company’s offer was being made as a gesture of “social responsibility.”

090302_pv_squarelogoThe rival porn offers puts Nadya Suleman, who has been at the center of a fierce debate in the media and medical arenas since giving birth to eight children last month, in the middle of a public relations spat involving rival purveyors of porn. The porn public relations offensive is the latest twist in the saga of Suleman and her octuplets, who were born on January 26. Her case has provoked outrage from health experts and the public after it emerged the babies were conceived through in vitro fertilization and that Suleman already had six children under the age of seven. Suleman was not immediately available for comment.

090302_gentlemens_clubs_dallas_b_w2The Wall Street Journal reported that just a short time ago, around the time he was turning 50, Michael Precker was in his prime as a journalist. A graduate of Columbia Journalism School, he was a foreign correspondent for 11 years in the Middle East and wrote feature articles on countless subjects for the Dallas Morning News. One year, the paper nominated him for a Pulitzer Prize. Now he has a new job: running a strip club. “I feel lucky,” he says. Mr. Precker’s career adjustment reflects the recent chaos of the newspaper business. Today he’s serving as the all-purpose manager of a 12-year-old establishment, called the Lodge. Mr. Precker’s new employer offers upscale food in a plush setting replete with a business center. Last year it won “Best Overall Club” at the Gentlemen’s Club Owners Expo in Las Vegas.

090302-meatNBC Washington reported that Customs and Border Protection officials at Dulles International Airport are reporting that they’ve seized an unusually high number of items from international travelers in the past week. The Feds confiscated a lot of smuggled international meat as well as porn and booze. Four pounds of pork sausage was seized. Much of the pornography collected centered around the very unfortunate thematic element of young children having sex. And the ones that only featured adults depicted these adults having sex with wild animals. And with regards to the alcohol, two bottles of vodka were brought in by a minor, from Germany.

090302-flying-moneys-b-wIn other news, NewsVine reported last week that Puerto Rico has found an unlikely solution to ease its surplus of pesky wild monkeys: ship them to Iraq. About a dozen patas monkeys will fly across the Atlantic on a commercial carrier in upcoming weeks, courtesy of the Baghdad Zoo, according to the Caribbean island’s Department of Natural Resources. Pundits once said that the United States wouldn’t abandon its ethics and capitalist ways until we saw monkeys flying in the Middle East.  So there you go.

(C) 2008 InebriatedPress.com

Source articles:

Porn bidding war over octomom
http://www.suntimes.com/news/nation/1452457,CST-NWS-oct27.article

A Reporter Faces the Naked Truth
http://online.wsj.com/article/SB123447503728679243.html

Explosion Of Porn, Meat, Booze Seizures at Dulles
http://www.nbcwashington.com/news/local/Dulles-Customs-Sees-Explosion-Of-Porn-Meat-Booze-Cigar-Seizures.html

Puerto Rico decides to ship wild monkeys to Iraq
http://www.newsvine.com/_news/2009/02/25/2477567-puerto-rico-decides-to-ship-wild-monkeys-to-iraq

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Google Destroying the Environment, “Joy of Sex” Updated, No Pants Day 2K9

> Study says each Google search kicks out 7 grams of CO2
> Crown Publishing updates “Joy of Sex”
> Atlanta celebrates “No Pants Day 2K9”

 

 

Inebriated Press
January 16, 2009

Google destroying earth?

Google destroying earth?

Fox News reported this week that new research says performing a single Google web search from your computer generates about 7 grams of carbon dioxide and experts say there are 200 million Internet searches globally each day. And UPI reported last week that the book “The Joy of Sex” has been made-over with new chapters, including one on safe sex and another on transexualism.  Meanwhile the Atlanta Journal-Constitution reported that the No Pants Brigade celebrated “No Pants Day 2K9″ last week, as travelers hopped aboard subway trains pant-less.  Pundits are debating the risk of performing web searches and performing Joy of Sex exercises while pant-less on the subway.

No Pants Day 2K9!

No Pants Day 2K9!

“I was searching Google for the new ‘Joy of Sex’ with my Blackberry without pants-on while I was riding the subway downtown, and the thought that I was destroying the planet and emotionally destabilizing the man sitting next to me, made me second guess what I was doing,” said Stacy Racy-Longleggs, a hot blond data analyst and juggler, whose presence weakens most men’s knees even when she’s fully clothed.  “I began to wonder if it was appropriate for me to risk damaging the environment and the man’s personal relationships by my actions.  I started to think about the ethical impacts of my behavior.  Perhaps I shouldn’t just do what I feel like whenever and wherever I want.  Maybe there’s something to this personal responsibility crap.”

Some people say humans are part of the environment so what we do and how we act is in accord with nature by our very existence.

090116-josx2“Don’t let people with personal agendas confuse you with some idea about responsibility to the environment and other humans, as though there were some standard of ethical behavior you’re supposed to adopt.  We are here like the grass and the rocks and the beavers and can do whatever we feel like,” said Penny Lane-Quartermaster, a small-time commodities broker with a penchant toward lawlessness and a chest full of silicon.  “Who gives a rat’s ass about the guy sitting next to you unless you feel like it, and why worry about the planets environment unless you think there’s some personal benefit to you by doing it.  Anybody who tries to tell you what to do is selling something.  You’re here like everything else and it’s you who defines what it is you say and do.  Screw the people who try to tell you how to behave … if you feel like it.  Stalin taught me that.  Bill Clinton updated it.”

Fox News reported that performing two Google searches from a desktop computer can generate about the same amount of carbon dioxide as boiling a kettle for a cup of tea, according to new research. While millions of people tap into Google without considering the environment, a typical search generates about 7 grams of CO2. Boiling a kettle generates about 15 grams. “Google operates huge data centers around the world that consume a great deal of power,” said Alex Wissner-Gross, a Harvard University physicist whose research on the environmental impact of computing is due out soon. “A Google search has a definite environmental impact.”

090116-google-logoA recent report by Gartner, the industry analysts, said the global IT industry generated as much greenhouse gas as the world’s airlines — about 2 percent of global CO2 emissions. “Data centers are among the most energy-intensive facilities imaginable,” said Evan Mills, a scientist at the Lawrence Berkeley National Laboratory in California. Banks of servers storing billions of Web pages require power.

United Press International (UPI) reported that the 1970s classic “The Joy of Sex” has gotten a makeover with 42 new chapters, including one on safe sex and another on transexualism, according to its publisher. The revised and updated “The Joy of Sex: The Timeless Guide to Lovemaking” replaces the pictures of hairy men in former editions with cleaner cut men, The Washington Post (NYSE:WPO) reported Saturday.

090116-joy-of-sex-bookThe new edition, by Crown Publishing Group, also ditches cracks about “one-legged ladies,” “negresses” and sex on horseback found in the original 1972 edition while adding a chapter on phone sex and a four-page resource guide on everything from menopause to eating disorders, the Post reported. The book originally written by Alex Comfort, a doctor and author who died in 2000, has been overhauled by Susan Quilliam, a British psychologist who advises a “practice session” before attempting new sexual positions so no one gets hurt.

The Atlanta Journal-Constitution reported that Atlanta’s No Pants brigade pre-empted Jamie Kendrick’s big plans of the Monster Jam truck rally on Saturday. En route from her Canton home to the Georgia Dome — on her very first MARTA ride — she witnessed nearly three dozen pranksters who took to the trains in their underwear. “I thought that maybe they work at Hooters,” the day care worker said of the two women standing in her car in white cotton high-cut briefs. “But then I thought, ‘I got new panties on, so does that mean I can take off my britches, too?’” She didn’t.

The idea of brotherhood of traveling pantless began in 2002, when seven people hopped New York City subways and dropped trou on their trips, according to Improv Everywhere, a New York-based guerrilla theater group. Saturday marked Atlanta’s first time participating in what is officially known as the “No Pants Day 2K9.” People react differently to the pantless. In Atlanta one man averted his eyes and clasped his female companion’s hand, to avoid a possible glance at the tighty whities. Most, though, just took pictures or burst into laughter.

Some people say that clothes are unnatural and that if humans were true to their natural origin they’d run around in their “birthday suits” all the time.

One woman's struggle against clothing

One woman's struggle against clothing

“We’re born nude and have to be taught to wear clothes which are completely unnatural, arbitrary and makes us subserviant to the clothing industry,” said Missy Mae-Bareclaw, a stripper at the Five-And-Dime Cheapskates Lounge and Tupperware Emporium.  “Not only is wearing clothes unnatural, it’s really immoral because it goes against the way we were born.  To compensate for my deep ethical struggles and yet appease social convention I wear mostly leather — which is animal based and closer to human skin than cotton, or I go nude.  That’s also why I strip, because I get paid to get natural and organic.  It’s the most natural way to work and live and still fit in.  True oneness with the planet requires us to avoid clothing and Internet based communications.  Everyone in the world should be nude and communicate in tactile ways.  It works at the Five-And-Dime.”

090116-j-o-tax

In other news, the Star Tribune reported last week that a former exotic dancer who worked at Rick’s Cabaret in Minneapolis between 2004 and 2006, and allegedly made about $80,000 in tips during one year, is now facing multiple felony charges for failing to report the money as income. Stephanie Antes, 28, of Albertville, is charged with five felony counts and one gross misdemeanor count of failing to file and pay income taxes and filing a false income tax return, according to the Minnesota Department of Revenue.  No word on how Stephanie feels about Google destroying the environment, but there’s no doubt that she backs No Pants Day 2K9, and probably has plans to enjoy the updated version of the “Joy of Sex” … if she’s not in jail for tax evasion.  You may be able to skip wearing clothes, but you can’t avoid paying taxes.  Unnatural though they may be, you pay them or the government has your ass – pantless or not.

(C) 2009 InebriatedPress.com

Source articles:

Research Reveals Environmental Impact of Google Searches
http://www.foxnews.com/story/0,2933,479127,00.html

Crown Publishing updates ‘Joy of Sex’
http://www.upi.com/Odd_News/2009/01/10/Crown_Publishing_updates_Joy_of_Sex/UPI-57101231615659/

No pants needed for MARTA ride
http://www.ajc.com/metro/content/metro/atlanta/stories/2009/01/10/marta_no_pants.html?cxntlid=homepage_tab_newstab

Rick’s Cabaret exotic dancer didn’t report $80,000 in tips, charges say
http://www.startribune.com/local/37313284.html?elr=KArksLckD8EQDUoaEyqyP4O:DW3ckUiD3aPc:_Yyc:aUac8HEaDiaMDCinchO7DU

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Filed under Humor, IP News

The Battle for Plants Rights and Income Redistribution

Ethicists demand dignity for vegetation
Obama’s tax plan gives “rebates” to non-tax payers
 
 
Inebriated Press
October 15, 2008
 
The Wall Street Journal reported last week that Switzerland has a new law that requires crop scientists to prove their research activity will not humiliate plants.  The law, based on a constitutional amendment, came into being after the Swiss Parliament asked a panel of philosophers, lawyers, geneticists and theologians to establish the meaning of flora’s dignity.  And The Wall Street Journal reported this week that presidential candidate Barack Obama’s plan to cut taxes for 95% of Americans actually is a rebate program that pays citizens who don’t pay taxes, thus redistributing income from those who do, to those who don’t.  Pundits debate the value of dignity to inanimate vegetation and very animated tax payers who keep footing all the bills.
 
Obama Tax Plan via Wall Street Journal
Obama Tax Plan via Wall Street Journal

“Under Obama’s tax law American’s making from $85,000 to $100,000 will have no significant tax increase or decrease, but anyone making less than $85,000 and more than $100,000 will have rates of 30% to 45%, and that will make them more neighborly and dignified, just like the plants the Swiss scientists must care about under their new law,” said Happy Dictator, an unemployed American Marxist, whose dreams of higher income for the same lack of activity are about to be realized if Obama is elected. “Dignity for plants means leaving them alone, and dignity for Marxists like me is the same.  Just give us more of the good stuff that others have accumulated — those hard working capitalist bastards who take financial risks and don’t get government bailouts.  Morons.  They deserve to pay 45% of their income to me in taxes.”

Not everyone sees it the way Happy Dictator does.  “They say a plant has rights and dignity that cannot be impugned, a pig has rights and dignity that cannot be impugned; terrorists captured on battlefields in Iraq trying to kill Americans who we capture and lock up in Guantanamo have rights and dignity that cannot be impugned.  Meanwhile hard working American taxpayers who finance all of this and send our kids to war to protect everyone’s freedom, we get to pay even more to deadbeats?  You have no idea how wrong this is,” said I.M. Skrued, a US worker making $45,000 a year as a capitalist restaurant manager, who no longer fits into the new age of America being built on Democrat Party socialism.  “If our government is run totally by Democrats with Obama, Pelosi and Reid leading the left-wing charge, I’ll have to quit working so I’ll get a bigger income and I can pay my bills and send my kids to college.  With my pay level getting a 45% federal tax burden, plus state and sales taxes on top of it, I’d have less money from working my job than I will living on the government dole.  I don’t know who’ll pay all the taxes when we all quit our jobs and try living off the government, but I guess that won’t be my problem.”

The Wall Street Journal reported that this spring Switzerland began mandating that geneticists conduct their research without trampling on a plant’s dignity. “Unfortunately, we have to take it seriously,” said Beat Keller, a molecular biologist at the University of Zurich. “It’s one more constraint on doing genetic research.” Dr. Keller recently sought government permission to do a field trial of genetically modified wheat that has been bred to resist a fungus. He first had to debate the finer points of plant dignity with university ethicists. Then, in a written application to the government, he tried to explain why the planned trial wouldn’t “disturb the vital functions or lifestyle” of the plants. He eventually got the green light. Several years ago, when Christof Sautter, a botanist at Switzerland’s Federal Institute of Technology, failed to get permission to do a local field trial on transgenic wheat, he moved the experiment to the U.S. He’s too embarrassed to mention the new dignity rule to his American colleagues. “They’ll think Swiss people are crazy,” he says.

The Journal reported Monday that one of Barack Obama’s most potent campaign claims is that he’ll cut taxes for no less than 95% of “working families.” He’s even promising to cut taxes enough that the government’s tax share of GDP will be no more than 18.2% — which is lower than it is today. It’s a clever pitch, because it lets him pose as a middle-class tax cutter while disguising that he’s also proposing one of the largest tax increases ever on the other 5%. But how does he conjure this miracle, especially since more than a third of all Americans already pay no income taxes at all? There are several sleights of hand, but the most creative is to redefine the meaning of “tax cut.”

secret smoker and secret socialist
Obama: secret smoker and secret socialist

For the Obama Democrats, a tax cut is no longer letting you keep more of what you earn. In their lexicon, a tax cut includes tens of billions of dollars in government handouts that are disguised by the phrase “tax credit.” Mr. Obama is proposing to create or expand no fewer than seven such credits for individuals. Here’s the political catch. All the “credits” are “refundable,” which is Washington-speak for the fact that you can receive these checks even if you have no income-tax liability. In other words, they are an income transfer — a federal check — from taxpayers to non-taxpayers. Once upon a time we called this “welfare.” Mr. Obama’s genius is to call it a tax cut.

The Tax Foundation estimates that under the Obama plan 63 million Americans, or 44% of all tax filers, would have no income tax liability and most of those would get a check from the IRS each year. The Heritage Foundation’s Center for Data Analysis estimates that by 2011, under the Obama plan, an additional 10 million filers would pay zero taxes while cashing checks from the IRS. The total annual expenditures on refundable “tax credits” would rise over the next 10 years by $647 billion to $1.054 trillion, according to the Tax Policy Center. This means that the tax-credit welfare state would soon cost four times actual cash welfare. By redefining such income payments as “tax credits,” the Obama campaign also redefines them away as a tax share of GDP. Presto, the federal tax burden looks much smaller than it really is. Some pundits argue that taxes and dignity are all concepts and as such can be redefined weekly by today’s New Democrats (also a redefinition, in that they used to be referred to as Old Socialists).

“All meaning on earth is relative and subjective and can only be defined by the State — morality, tax credits, life itself,” said Eva Gram-Kracker, a buxom mother of none, who supports Obama because he voted three times against the law to provide medical support to children who survive botched abortions.  “The dignity of a human being is determined by governments and when Barack is running things it’ll be his good judgment that defines our dignity, tax receipts and the fair treatment of Islamofascists.  He’ll sit down and talk with Iranian president Ahmadinejad and give him what he wants so he’ll like our country.  He’ll fix other problems too, like solving world poverty by giving more American tax dollars to the United Nations to redistribute to the world.  He’ll end all wars and the lives of any children you don’t want around.  He is his own god and he’ll soon be yours and mine too.  I can hardly wait!”

In other news, the New York Post reported yesterday that Lawrence Trout stands to win a cool $2 million if a UFO appears in the sky.  British gaming house William Hill covered a $2,000 bet at 1,000 to 1, that a huge intergalactic spaceship from the alien Federation of Light will appear. “We have always been apprehensive of space-based bets ever since we paid out the equivalent of millions when Neil Armstrong landed on the moon in 1969,” said a spokesman for William Hill, which took the action anyway. No word on how much money Obama would like to take in taxes if the aliens appear, but the odds are we’ll all be paying more in the future whether Martians arrive or not.

(C) 2008 InebriatedPress.com

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