Tag Archives: global warming

Million Dollar Mattress, Hummingbird Sex, and Obama’s TARP Illusion

> Family tosses mattress housing $1 million cash stash
> G-Force’s during Hummingbird Sex would make Fighter Pilots Pass Out
> Obama’s TARP czar has no idea if it’s working, or where the money’s gone

Inebriated Press
June 12, 2009

Sex at the speed of a Hummingbird

Sex at the speed of a Hummingbird

AFP reported Thursday that a woman threw out her mothers’ old mattress not knowing it was stuffed with one million dollars.  And New Scientist reported Wednesday that during courtship-flights male hummingbirds sustain g-forces during acceleration that would cause a fighter jet pilot to pass out.  Meanwhile, The Weekly Standard reported Tuesday that Obama’s TARP oversight chair doesn’t know if it’s working, and doesn’t know where the money is going.  Vice President Joe Biden adds that “people are being scammed already” in the disbursement of $787 billion.  Some people say all’s fair in speed-sex and political-handouts.

A Happy Woman

A Happy Woman

“If you’re going for high-speed sex you have to expect to pass out now and then, it’s just a physical reality.  And if you’re going to jam though government spending plans so fast that no one reads the documentation or sets up a system of checks and balances, then you’re going to waste most of it, that’s just a bureaucratic reality,” said Happy Lucki-Thimaster, a sex worker and political analyst who built her trade during the Bill Clinton administration. “There’s nothing surprising or unusual about any of this.  And if you’re going to throw out other peoples mattresses without checking with them first, you may be tossing out something more valuable than you think.  But what the heck, all’s fair in fast sex, government mismanagement of your tax dollars, and lost fortunes in old bedding.  Shit happens and lots of times it’s purely predictable.  I can’t help but fantasize about having speed sex on a million dollar mattress bought with TARP funds.  It would be a real rush.  Makes me tingly just thinking about it.  Does it feel warm in here to you?”

Someone named Tricia

Someone named Tricia

Not everyone sees it the way Lucki-Thimaster does.  “Humming birds aren’t having high-speed sex; they’re just flapping their wings really fast, that’s all.  And Obama has his fingers on the pulse of everything and knows exactly what he’s doing and where all our money is going.  He said he’d go through the TARP thing and the budget line-by-line personally, and would account for every penny.  Trust him, he’s not just flapping his lips really fast,” said Tricia Kum-Lately, a circus manager and silicon investor, who often does Dallas just because.  “I had a million dollar mattress once but I quit hooking because it was bothering my back.  Now I work with circus clowns.  It’s remarkable how similar they are to the Democrat Congress and Obama administration — and I mean that in a positive way.  They could run the country just as well.  It gives me confidence that democracy works because it doesn’t take any brains or special training to run the world’s biggest economy.  Joe Biden is proof of that.  I’m so proud of this country.  In fact I think it’s the first time in my life that I’m really proud of America.  I guess I’ve got that in common with Michelle Obama.”

A surprising mattress

A surprising mattress

AFP reported that a stash of cash landed in the trash when a woman in Israel dumped her mother’s mattress not knowing it was stuffed with the equivalent of about one million dollars. Israeli media reported that the 40-year-old woman showed up at a garbage dump in a panic on Tuesday, looking for the valuable bedding. She had bought a new mattress for her mother and, wanting the gift to be a surprise, threw away the old one. She then found out the decades-old mattress contained her mother’s life savings. Workers are helping her search the garbage, but have found no sign of the cash so far.

Real hummingbird sex, or just faking it?

Real hummingbird sex, or just faking it?

New Scientist reported that male hummingbirds are breaking the speed record for love. During courtship flights, male Anna’s hummingbirds sustain accelerations that would cause a fighter jet pilot to pass out. Chris Clark, a biologist at the University of California at Berkeley, believes that the pressures of courtship push males to the limit of what is physically possible. Using high-speed video footage to study their flight, he has shown that, relative to their body size, male Anna’s hummingbirds are the fastest moving vertebrates. As they approach the ground, the hummingbirds spread their wings and tail, letting them pull them up into a skywards glide. At this stage, Clark calculated that their bodies undergo centripetal accelerations reaching 10 g – a force equivalent to 10 times the gravitational pull of Earth. Fighter jet pilots can pass out or temporarily lose their sight at accelerations above 7 g because their blood becomes unevenly distributed in their circulatory system.

We have no clue, but I wouldn't worry.

We have no clue, but I wouldn't worry.

The Weekly Standard reported that Obama’s transparency czar is using $84 million to build a web site that won’t be usable until October, and may not be useful until four years from now. Obama’s stimulus oversight guru, Joe Biden, says “people are being scammed already” in the disbursement of $787 billion. And, when asked whether TARP is working, Prof. Elizabeth Warren— head of the Congressionally formed oversight committee for that particular trillion-dollar project—says: “We can’t disclose what isn’t known. We’ve disclosed as much as we can, we’ve addressed this in our various reports. The Secretary of the Treasury says there are some positive indicators and there some negative indicators still in the economy. And that’s the best we can do.”  Aren’t giant, cumbersome government programs fun, especially now that the Obama administration’s cult of competence is in charge and offering unprecedented transparency and accountability?  When asked if she had a clear sense of what the overall TARP plan was and whether she was capable of summarizing what it’s supposed to be doing, she said: “No. And neither is Treasury. Treasury has given us multiple contradictory explanations for what it’s trying to accomplish.”

Fear not, for the wind and waves obey me

Fear not, for the wind and waves obey me

In other news, Associated Press reported Wednesday that the wind, a favorite power source of the green energy movement, seems to be dying down across the United States. And the cause, ironically, may be global warming – the very problem wind power seeks to address. The idea that winds may be slowing is still a speculative one, and scientists disagree whether that is happening. But a first-of-its-kind study suggests that average and peak wind speeds have been noticeably slowing since 1973, especially in the Midwest and the East. The study, which will be published in August in the peer-reviewed Journal of Geophysical Research, is preliminary, however, a couple of earlier studies also found wind reductions in Australia and Europe, offering more comfort that the U.S. findings are real. The new study “demonstrates, rather conclusively in my mind, that average and peak wind speeds have decreased over the U.S. in recent decades,” said Michael Mann, director of the Earth System Science Center at Penn State University.  No word on how the scientists feel about high-speed sex, million dollar mattresses or wasted TARP money, but you can bet they’re trying to harness the hot air pouring out of D.C. as a new energy source.  Or at least trying to get their piece of the federal budget so they can study it.

(C) 2009 InebriatedPress.com

Source articles:

Dumped mattress lands cash in trash in Israel
http://www.google.com/hostednews/afp/article/ALeqM5hvRwWnDjIUF3gNuTPVjHc7OPjTag

Male hummingbirds break speed record for love
http://www.newscientist.com/article/dn17277-male-hummingbirds-break-speed-record-for-love.html

video — http://brightcove.newscientist.com/services/player/bcpid1873822884?bctid=25816667001

TARP Oversight Chair Says She Doesn’t Know Whether It’s Working
http://www.weeklystandard.com/weblogs/TWSFP/2009/06/tarp_oversight_chair_says_she.asp

US Stimulus Fraud could hit $50B
http://macedoniaonline.eu/content/view/7101/52/

Not so windy: Research suggests winds dying down
http://hosted.ap.org/dynamic/stories/U/US_SCI_DIMINISHING_WINDS?SITE=PAPIT&SECTION=NATIONAL&TEMPLATE=DEFAULT

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NASA says Sun Causes Global Warming, Microsoft says Obama Tax Plan Will Cause Global Relocation; and Judge Rules Party Girl Can Go Out Saturday Nights

> New NASA study shows Sun Responsible for Planet Warming
> Microsoft CEO talks offshore move over Obama Tax Scheme
> Girl Guilty of Assault at Party gets Saturdays Off from Curfew

Inebriated Press
June 9, 2009

Party girl, or realist?

Party girl, or realist?

The Dakota Voice reported Friday that a new NASA study has determined that solar variation has made a significant impact on the Earth’s climate, and evidence for climate change based on the sun can be traced back as far as the Industrial Revolution.  And Bloomberg reported Wednesday that Microsoft CEO Steven Ballmer said they will move employees offshore if Congress enacts Obama’s plan to put higher taxes on U.S. companies’ foreign profits.  Meanwhile, United Press International (UPI) reported on Friday that a judge sentenced a 19-year old girl to stay home every night of the week but Saturday for an assault she committed at a party.  Pundits are debating the existence of “cause and effect” during the new era of Obamanomic relativism built on “hope and change”.

Someone named Penelope

Someone named Penelope

“Old school ‘forces of nature’ are irrelevant in this new age of economic and moral relativism, and just going with the flow of ethereal thought, government spending and passivism toward countries like Iran and North Korea as well as organizations like Al Qaeda and Hamas, is the way to find peace and happiness.  Obama’s new socialist America will make all of our dreams come true.  Besides, resistance is futile,” said Penelope Psyborg-Pusch, an amateur rocket scientist and part-time stripper at the Blonde Heifer Lounge and Waffle House.  “NASA is being silly about the sun, everyone knows that humans impact the earth’s temperature more than solar power, Al Gore proved that when he said it was so.  And no company will really relocate from the U.S. just because the Obama tax plan will take more of their profits and redistribute them to liberal voters.  Such talk by a company CEO is just bluster.  Now the girl who assaulted people at parties, she should be able to still go to parties, so that judge who said she needed to stay home weeknights but not weekends was right on.  No one should really be held responsible for their behavior as though their actions caused something.  The whole cause and effect theory is behind us now, and no longer relevant.  Obama is the new master of the economic world, as well as the physical world and time and space.  The quicker we realize that, the happier we’ll all be.  I wonder why my foot hurts.  A car ran over it earlier today but that couldn’t be the cause.  It’s just some random bodily event I suppose.  Like my period.”

Someone named Linda

Someone named Linda

Not everyone agrees with Psyborg-Pusch.  “Anyone can say that natural laws no longer exist and deny them if they want, but it doesn’t make them go away.  Pretending we impact the planet more that the celestial bodies around us, or that over-taxed companies won’t react to preserve themselves by abandoning the country they were founded in, is wrong not to mention it’s the height of arrogance.  The sun impacts the earth more than a few thousand SUV’s and Obama’s tax plans will cause the relocation of U.S. corporations to countries that are more tax friendly.  Cause and effect lives on,” said Linda Staiefree-Powers, a former pacifist-atheist who turned to god and guns after the Obama election.  “And if you think Obama’s massive spending won’t result in inflation and that the huge debt won’t crush the U.S. economically and even militarily, you’re dreaming.  The arrogance of some people astonishes me.  Socialism has never worked before, why will the Obama version be successful?  And some people think that with a few hundred years of data we can actually ‘know’ that you and I are changing the earth’s temperature and it’s not part of a thousand year cycle?  We think we alone exist in time and space that that no beings besides us exist in other dimensions that we can’t see?  In our little time crawling around on this planet we believe we’ve figured out that there are no gods and that relative ethics are humankind’s best hope for peace and harmony?  Our arrogance is truly amazing.  We know we understand more of the universe today than humans a thousand years ago, but we discount that humans a thousand years from now will know more than us.  And we think we have everything figured out.  Morons.  Will we refuse to learn from economic history, and deny the natural law inside our consciences as evidence that we came from more than dirt?  We lapse between belief that we’re animals or gods.  We’re both.  But too often we act like devils and behave dumber than cats.”

Global WarmingThe Dakota Voice reported that we have still more evidence that any warming occurring on planet earth is coming from natural sources and is cyclic in nature–NOT from the evil capitalism that Al Gore, the UN politicians at the IPCC and other socialists love to blame. A new study from NASA’s Goddard Space Flight Center in Greenbelt, Maryland looking at climate data over the past century has concluded that solar variation has made a significant impact on the Earth’s climate. The report concludes that evidence for climate changes based on solar radiation can be traced back as far as the Industrial Revolution. Past research has shown that the sun goes through eleven year cycles. At the cycle’s peak, solar activity occurring near sunspots is particularly intense, basking the Earth in solar heat. According to Robert Cahalan, a climatologist at the Goddard Space Flight Center, “Right now, we are in between major ice ages, in a period that has been called the Holocene.”

global warmingSolar activity is increasing, and we are coming out of the “Little Ice Age” of just a few hundred years ago. Of course the planet is warming–we’re coming out of a cold spell! The Maunder Minimum period of diminished solar activity coincided with the Little Ice Age when Europe and North America experienced bitterly cold winters. About 1,000 years ago, Greenland was warm enough for the Vikings to colonize and grow vineyards.  Today Greenland is almost entirely covered in ice.  Tell me: is the earth warmer today than it was 1,000 years ago?  Did they have SUVs and coal power plants in the days of the Vikings?  This isn’t tough to figure out, people. The only thing tough about the global warming debate is trying to get the facts to match the socialist agenda of the global warming proponents.  Try as they might, they just can’t do it, and more and more people are starting to see that.

Silly businessman who thinks taxes will cost his shareholders

Silly businessman who thinks taxes will cost his shareholders

Bloomberg reported that Microsoft Corp. Chief Executive Officer Steven Ballmer said the world’s largest software company would move some employees offshore if Congress enacts President Barack Obama’s plans to impose higher taxes on U.S. companies’ foreign profits. “It makes U.S. jobs more expensive,” Ballmer said in an interview. “We’re better off taking lots of people and moving them out of the U.S. as opposed to keeping them inside the U.S.” Obama on May 4 proposed outlawing or restricting about $190 billion in tax breaks for offshore companies over the next decade. Such business groups as the National Foreign Trade Council, the U.S. Chamber of Commerce and the Business Roundtable have denounced the proposed overhaul. U.S. tax rules let companies defer paying corporate rates as high as 35 percent on most types of foreign profits as long as that money remains invested overseas. Obama says he wants to end such incentives to keep foreign profits tax-deferred so that companies would invest them in the U.S.  Ballmer said that, while the Obama proposals would preserve expense deductions related to research and experimentation costs, the overall deduction limits for companies that defer tax on foreign profits would raise the cost of employing U.S. workers. Fiduciary responsibility to shareholders would require Microsoft to cut costs, he said, meaning many jobs would be moved out of the country. Ballmer estimated that higher taxes under the proposal would reduce profits for companies that comprise the Dow Jones Industrial Average by between 10 and 15 percentage points. “It’s just a question of how much will the Dow come down,” Ballmer said. “It’s not about companies anyway; we’re talking about shareholders.”

Just some party girl

Just some party girl

UPI reported that a judge in England sentenced a teenage girl to stay home every night of the week but Saturday for an assault she committed at a party. Judge William Hart told Lisa Partington, 19, she had a curfew from 9 p.m. to 7 a.m. every day for the next two months — except Saturdays. “I give you one day off a week because it is summer and I don’t think it is necessarily in your interests for you to be confined to your home every evening of the week for the next two months,” the judge was quoted by the newspaper as saying. Partington had admitted assaulting Kimberley Moxham at a party in September.

IRS version of Flat TaxIn other news, the Los Angeles Times reported Friday that Gov. Arnold Schwarzenegger said that he would like to see “radical” proposals come out of a commission now studying an overhaul of the state’s tax system, like “a 15% straight tax.” The current system, based on highly unstable income tax revenue that fluctuates with the economy, “doesn’t work,” Schwarzenegger said. Advocates of a flat tax, which applies a single tax rate to all income, say it increases compliance with the tax codes because it is so simple and easy to understand. But opponents dislike that it taxes the wealthy at the same rates as the poor.  No word on why these people don’t understand that the poor don’t pay income taxes, and that a flat tax is inherently fair, but then in a world where cause and effect no longer is in vogue and relative economics and ethics prevail, I should be getting used to this kind of insanity.  It’s no longer about common sense; it’s about “hope and change”.  As defined by the Obama minions. 

(C) 2009 InebriatedPress.com

 
Source articles:

NASA Study Shows Sun Responsible for Planet Warming
http://www.dakotavoice.com/2009/06/nasa-study-shows-sun-responsible-for-planet-warming/

Ballmer Says Tax Would Move Microsoft Jobs Offshore
http://www.bloomberg.com/apps/news?pid=20601087&sid=amBiYGyHOkZ8

Judge gives girl Saturdays off from curfew
http://www.upi.com/Odd_News/2009/06/05/Judge-gives-girl-Saturdays-off-from-curfew/UPI-38781244249132/

Schwarzenegger suggests state consider flat tax
http://latimesblogs.latimes.com/lanow/2009/06/flat-tax.html

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Global Warming may Result in Cooling, Cops Taser Toy Cat, and University plans Semi-nude Romp for Finals Week

> Berkeley Study says Global Warming may Result in Cooling
> Nervous Police Taser Large Toy Cat
> Chapman University Preps for Spring Undie Run

Inebriated Press
May 21, 2009

Finals week at Chapman

Finals week at Chapman

Science Daily reported Tuesday that a new study by University of California, Berkeley says global warming may include periods of cooling, but researchers are pretty sure that the cooling doesn’t actually result in cooling, but is actually warming.  And United Press International (UPI) reported Monday that police in Michigan responding to a report of a cougar on the loose, ended up Tasering a large toy cat apparently hiding in a cement drainpipe.  Meanwhile, the Orange County Register reported Monday that Chapman University, in an attempt to keep students from frolicking semi-nude in the city’s 71-year-old fountain during finals week, will allow them to run semi-nude around campus every Wednesday night.  Inebriated reporters romping around semi-nude and contemplating the counterintuitive nature of Obama’s plan to cut the national debt by quadrupling it, and how cold results in heat, and how toys are basically real, have decided that heavy drinking is the best way to avoid getting drunk.

Someone named Alicia

Someone named Alicia

“I don’t know about you, but I’m not taking any chances by ignoring the new realities and pretending that economics, nature and the first law of thermodynamics still act like they used to.  They all behave the opposite of what they did in the past, and need to be treated accordingly,” said Alicia Redd-Lace, a biped and Inebriated Press theoretician, occasionally at the same time.  “I’m going to start spending a lot more money so that my savings increase, and I’ll probably drink a couple of liters of Jack Daniels every day just to make sure that I’m always sober.  It feels a bit chilly in here right now, so I’m taking off all of my clothes.  I know it won’t make you uncomfortable, because it may have last year, but it’ll be the opposite now.”

Someone named Mary

Someone named Mary

Not everyone is so sure that cold is hot, or negative net worth equals vast wealth.  “Call me crazy, but didn’t we just go through a period where no money down and bad credit allowed people who couldn’t afford homes to buy them and that wrecked the housing market and busted the financial system?  Didn’t many of the same people who say we face the danger of global warming also say we faced the danger of global cooling and an impending ice age during the 1970’s?  I’m thinking that hot is still hot and cold is still cold and that massive debt will still cause bankruptcy, and since people haven’t been on earth a fraction of the millennia that the universe has existed, that we have no clue as to whether the earth is running in 10, 100 or 1000 year temperature cycles,” said Mary-Martha Dannce-Knightly, an arms dealer and part-time stripper down at the Busty Squirrel Club and Pet Shop.  “Now a toy animal probably needs to be Tased by cops from time to time, just to make sure that they stay in line, but beyond that, I think the basic laws of nature, economics and common sense still apply.”

Evidence of global warming

Evidence of global warming

Science Daily reported that global warming may include some periods of local cooling, according to a new study by researchers at the University of California, Berkeley. Results from satellite and ground-based sensor data show that sweltering summers can, paradoxically, lead to the temporary formation of a cooling haze. The study, published in the journal Proceedings of the National Academy of Sciences, found that when manmade pollutants mix with the natural compounds emitted from forests and vegetation during the hot summer months, they form secondary aerosols that reflect light from the sun. Such aerosols may also contribute to the formation of clouds, which also reflect sunlight. The results of this study suggest that climate models need to better account for the effects of organic aerosols, the authors said. The researchers estimated that the cooling effect from the aerosol haze over the U.S. Southeast in summer is outpacing the warming effect from carbon dioxide emissions by 2-to-1 in a negative feedback system. “The cooling effect of the organic aerosols we are reporting here are regional and temporal; they are dwarfed by the changes in the climate we are witnessing globally,” said Inez Fung, a UC Berkeley professor. “To counter all the warming effects from greenhouse gases with aerosols, levels would have to be so high that we’d have trouble breathing, and the sky would no longer appear blue.”

Don't Tase me Bro!

Don't Tase me Bro!

United Press International reported that police in Michigan responding to a report of a cougar on the loose said they ended up shooting a large toy cat with a Taser stun gun. Warren police said the 911 caller said a “huge” animal resembling “a 150-pound cat” was spotted in an old cement drainpipe in Bates Park and 10 officers were sent to the scene, WDIV-TV, Detroit, reported Monday. The officers saw the outline of the animal in the pipe and shot it with the Taser — only to discover it was a large toy cougar. Police Commissioner William Dwyer said investigators believe the incident, which cost the department $1,000 in wasted police hours from responding to the scene and filling out paperwork, was a prank. Dwyer said the prankster could face 90 days probation and fines equivalent to the wasted police money if caught.

Undie Runners R Us

Undie Runners R Us

The Orange County Register reported that Chapman University, in an attempt to keep students from frolicking again in the city’s 71-year-old fountain, will allow students to return to campus for a foam party after Wednesday night’s traditional Undie Run. The run occurs every Wednesday night during Chapman’s finals week in the winter and spring. Students meet at Memorial Hall, strip to their underwear, run a couple of blocks to the plaza, or traffic circle, and back. For the first time, Chapman is partnering with student leaders on the Undie Run, an unsanctioned campus event that upset the mayor in the fall because students damaged the fountain. University spokeswoman Mary Platt said the loose partnership is to help avoid an incident similar to the Undie Run in December when some students climbed in and broke the 71-year-old fountain in the plaza. About 1,500 students ran that time. The university picked up a $13,000 tab to repair the fountain and for police staffing the event. The foam party is meant to lure students back to campus. The Undie Run’s origins at Chapman are fuzzy.

Some people say that the fuzzier things are, the better.

Good Scotch

Good Scotch

“In today’s world of uncertainty and challenge, it’s important that all government and personal planning is hazy, fuzzy and unclear so that everything is in accord with the inherent meaningless and randomness of nature, global warming and most of Nancy Pelosi’s statements,” said a passing gnome carrying roots and a bottle of good Scotch.  “Relativity is at the heart of physics, evolution and ethics, it only makes sense that it should also be applied to economics and the war on terror.  Nothing has any real meaning, other than what we decide it is at any one time.  Why should we think that some people or economic, or political systems should behave in a predictable or rational way; or that anything is really ‘bad’ or ‘good’.  It’s important that we build our lives on the sands of relativity and chaos.  It’s the only really natural foundation, and it’s the true character of our age.  I’d talk more, but I’ve got work to do and bills to pay.  Damn bill collectors have no concept of the importance of relativity and still expect to be paid, and to be paid on time. They’re a bunch of damn capitalist business types clinging to a bunch of ‘real world’ crap.”

That'll teach him

That'll teach him

In other news, UK’s The Sun reported on Tuesday that a man who twice beat his girlfriend got his punishment — 60 hours working out at the gym. The bizarre sentence was imposed by Judge Anthony Goldstaub QC on Richard Brown at Chelmsford Crown Court. The judge had been told of the attacks carried out by Brown, an unemployed IT worker, of Hornchurch, Essex, on his partner and mother-of-six. As part of his penalty the judge ruled Brown must attend a gym three times a week for an hour for 20 weeks as “an activity requirement”. Brown had pleaded guilty to two offences of assault causing actual bodily harm. No word on why being sentenced to go to a gym is a cure for physical abuse, but in an era where cold weather is heating the globe and trillions of dollars in spending is fixing government debt, it takes a little while for old fashioned thinkers to catch up with the new reality.  Or some such bullshit.

(C) 2009 InebriatedPress.com

Source articles:

Global Warming May Result In Some Periods Of Cooling In Southeastern United States
http://www.sciencedaily.com/releases/2009/05/090518172442.htm

Police use Taser on fake cougar
http://www.redorbit.com/news/oddities/1690977/police_use_taser_on_fake_cougar/index.html?source=r_oddities

Old Towne: Chapman preps for spring Undie Run
http://orange.freedomblogging.com/2009/05/18/old-towne-chapman-preps-for-spring-undie-run/4111/

Sentenced to gym work out
http://www.thesun.co.uk/sol/homepage/news/article2437570.ece?OTC-RSS&ATTR=News

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Air is Killing You, Dagger-Dicking is Damaging, and Brazilian Monkey Nuts get the Axe

> Obama’s EPA declares the air you exhale a public danger
> Jamaican doctors report increase in rough sex injuries to men parts
> Brazilian monkeys to loose testicles

Inebriated Press
April 20, 2009

Greenhouse gas

Greenhouse gas

The Wall Street Journal reported Friday that the U.S. Environmental Protection Agency (EPA) issued a finding that carbon dioxide — the air you exhale — is a greenhouse gas and poses a danger to the public.  This sets the stage for a battle over regulations that could have far reaching impact on Americans.  And, the U.K. Sun reported that Jamaican Doctors say there’s been an increase in injuries to men caused by rough sex referred to as “daggering” which can result in permanent penile damage.  Meanwhile, health officials in Brazil say they must catch Capuchin monkeys and give them vasectomies in order to control disease. Inebriated reporters who have stopped holding their breath, thus giving up on trying to save the world, are now contemplating the risks of rough sex, and disease caused by monkey testicles.

Someone named Holly

Someone named Holly

“It’s pretty obvious that the world would be better off without human beings since we exhale warm moist air and that’s a greenhouse gas, and it’s destroying the planet and life as we know it.  I held my breath as long as I could hoping that it would slow the warming of the earth following the ice age, but if I keep it up I’ll just pass out and die.  Screw that,” said Holly McWarm-Boddy, an environmentalist-writer who also sells SUV’s and rough sex part-time.  “I don’t know about the benefits of cutting off monkey nuts but I have a feeling that the country would be better off if climate change guys like Al Gore had theirs clipped.  Maybe that’s just wishful thinking.”

Someone named Jenni

Someone named Jenni

Not everyone sees it the way McWarm-Boddy does.  “We have almost a hundred years worth of data and that proves the earth has only been warming since we started tracking it, and that everything was great for the previous million years.  We don’t know for sure what happened to the dinosaurs, but it was probably Republican-driven SUV exhaust channeling backward across time somehow and killing them.  Damn conservatives,” said Jenni Hyper-Gasse, a professional trivia expert who lives off of government grants and other people’s labor, for the good of humankind.  “Once the Obama administration puts new rules in place that caps the number of conservatives that can live in the U.S. and then gradually reduces them over time, we’ll finally get the environmental problems that plague the planet under control.  Humans are bad in and of themselves, but conservative humans are worse, and American conservative humans — especially white males — are basically terrorists.  The recent Department of Homeland Security report pretty much spells that out.  My guess is that we’ll have to cut the nuts off of most white American males — especially if they’re in the military — before this is all over, just to reduce the disease that is conservatism.  It’s kind of a shame because a few of them are cute and I like a little rough sex now and then with real men rather than the metrosexuals I hang out with.  Oh well.  We all have to sacrifice for the good of the planet.”

EPAThe Wall Street Journal reported that the U.S. Environmental Protection Agency on Friday issued a finding that carbon dioxide and other greenhouse gases pose a danger to the public, setting the stage for a battle over regulations that could have far-reaching impact on the U.S. economy. Unless superseded by congressional action, the EPA finding potentially could lead to a wave of new regulations, putting stricter emissions limits on a wide range of enterprises from power plants and oil refineries to automobiles and cement makers. Business groups have warned that using the Clean Air Act to control greenhouse gases could result in costly new burdens for businesses. Environmental groups have cheered the signals that the Obama administration would declare greenhouse gases a danger.

Save your breath, save the planet

Save your breath, save the planet

The House Energy and Commerce Committee will hold hearings this week on an Obama proposal to cap carbon emissions and sell tradable permits that businesses must buy to emit carbon dioxide. The EPA finding comes about two years after the Supreme Court found that carbon dioxide is a pollutant under the Clean Air Act and that the EPA can regulate it. The finding marks a significant turn in U.S. policy on climate change. It isn’t clear how quickly the Obama administration will act to start writing new rules based on the EPA finding.

Broken dagger

Broken dagger

The Sun reported that hospitals are treating a flood of agonized men for fractured penises due to a bizarre sex craze. Doctors in Jamaica report the number of cases has almost trebled in a year after a rise in so-called “daggering”. They say injuries occur during the fast, rough intercourse and can result in permanent damage. A doctor at Kingston Public Hospital on the island said: “We have noticed an increase. During very rigorous intercourse the man can hit the woman’s pubic bone and sustain a fracture. There is a loud popping sound, excruciating pain and swelling.”

Soon to be nutless monkey

Soon to be nutless monkey

NineMSN reported that the monkey business is about to end for some Brazilian primates. Health officials in the central city of Goiania plan to perform vasectomies on 25 wild, urban-dwelling monkeys to keep their population in check and control disease. They’re looking to catch male Capuchin monkeys in three city parks, each of which has about eight female mates. The animals will be netted, snipped and released. The parks’ monkey population has grown to about 170 in recent months, and project head Marize Moreira said on Thursday some have been found to carry yellow fever. Sick monkeys can’t pass the disease directly to humans, but mosquitoes that bite infected monkeys can transmit it.

Don't try building these at home; professionals only

Don't try building these at home; professionals only

In other news, the UK Metro reported Thursday that a man has been arrested in Spain for using veterinary instruments to perform breast and buttock implants on patients in his squalid home. The man, who reports say did not have a medical license, is believed to have charged patients between €250 and €500 to inject them with liquid silicone – using instruments designed for use by vets to inject animals. The injections were carried out in his home, which was reported to be filthy, and was also home to three dogs, one cat and a parrot. The man was arrested on Friday, following a complaint about a sub-standard breast enhancement. No word on whether he also cut off monkey’s nuts or repaired dagger damaged men’s dicks, but chances are he was exhaling carbon dioxide with no thought to the environment.  The bastard.

(C) 2009 InebriatedPress.com

EPA Calls Greenhouse Gases a Danger
http://online.wsj.com/article/SB123997738881429275.html#mod=djemalertNEWS

Forget scary eco-crunch: This Earth is enough
Environmental campaigners say we’d need five planets if we all lived at American standards. Catchy – but wrong
http://www.theglobeandmail.com/servlet/story/LAC.20090416.COLOMBORG16ART1953//TPStory/Comment

‘Daggering’ sex alert for blokes
http://www.thesun.co.uk/sol/homepage/news/article2379533.ece

Brazilian monkeys face vasectomies
http://news.ninemsn.com.au/article.aspx?id=802835

Fake doctor used vet tools for boob jobs
http://www.metro.co.uk/weird/article.html?Fake_doctor_used_vet_tools_for_boob_jobs&in_article_id=623247&in_page_id=2

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Google Destroying the Environment, “Joy of Sex” Updated, No Pants Day 2K9

> Study says each Google search kicks out 7 grams of CO2
> Crown Publishing updates “Joy of Sex”
> Atlanta celebrates “No Pants Day 2K9”

 

 

Inebriated Press
January 16, 2009

Google destroying earth?

Google destroying earth?

Fox News reported this week that new research says performing a single Google web search from your computer generates about 7 grams of carbon dioxide and experts say there are 200 million Internet searches globally each day. And UPI reported last week that the book “The Joy of Sex” has been made-over with new chapters, including one on safe sex and another on transexualism.  Meanwhile the Atlanta Journal-Constitution reported that the No Pants Brigade celebrated “No Pants Day 2K9″ last week, as travelers hopped aboard subway trains pant-less.  Pundits are debating the risk of performing web searches and performing Joy of Sex exercises while pant-less on the subway.

No Pants Day 2K9!

No Pants Day 2K9!

“I was searching Google for the new ‘Joy of Sex’ with my Blackberry without pants-on while I was riding the subway downtown, and the thought that I was destroying the planet and emotionally destabilizing the man sitting next to me, made me second guess what I was doing,” said Stacy Racy-Longleggs, a hot blond data analyst and juggler, whose presence weakens most men’s knees even when she’s fully clothed.  “I began to wonder if it was appropriate for me to risk damaging the environment and the man’s personal relationships by my actions.  I started to think about the ethical impacts of my behavior.  Perhaps I shouldn’t just do what I feel like whenever and wherever I want.  Maybe there’s something to this personal responsibility crap.”

Some people say humans are part of the environment so what we do and how we act is in accord with nature by our very existence.

090116-josx2“Don’t let people with personal agendas confuse you with some idea about responsibility to the environment and other humans, as though there were some standard of ethical behavior you’re supposed to adopt.  We are here like the grass and the rocks and the beavers and can do whatever we feel like,” said Penny Lane-Quartermaster, a small-time commodities broker with a penchant toward lawlessness and a chest full of silicon.  “Who gives a rat’s ass about the guy sitting next to you unless you feel like it, and why worry about the planets environment unless you think there’s some personal benefit to you by doing it.  Anybody who tries to tell you what to do is selling something.  You’re here like everything else and it’s you who defines what it is you say and do.  Screw the people who try to tell you how to behave … if you feel like it.  Stalin taught me that.  Bill Clinton updated it.”

Fox News reported that performing two Google searches from a desktop computer can generate about the same amount of carbon dioxide as boiling a kettle for a cup of tea, according to new research. While millions of people tap into Google without considering the environment, a typical search generates about 7 grams of CO2. Boiling a kettle generates about 15 grams. “Google operates huge data centers around the world that consume a great deal of power,” said Alex Wissner-Gross, a Harvard University physicist whose research on the environmental impact of computing is due out soon. “A Google search has a definite environmental impact.”

090116-google-logoA recent report by Gartner, the industry analysts, said the global IT industry generated as much greenhouse gas as the world’s airlines — about 2 percent of global CO2 emissions. “Data centers are among the most energy-intensive facilities imaginable,” said Evan Mills, a scientist at the Lawrence Berkeley National Laboratory in California. Banks of servers storing billions of Web pages require power.

United Press International (UPI) reported that the 1970s classic “The Joy of Sex” has gotten a makeover with 42 new chapters, including one on safe sex and another on transexualism, according to its publisher. The revised and updated “The Joy of Sex: The Timeless Guide to Lovemaking” replaces the pictures of hairy men in former editions with cleaner cut men, The Washington Post (NYSE:WPO) reported Saturday.

090116-joy-of-sex-bookThe new edition, by Crown Publishing Group, also ditches cracks about “one-legged ladies,” “negresses” and sex on horseback found in the original 1972 edition while adding a chapter on phone sex and a four-page resource guide on everything from menopause to eating disorders, the Post reported. The book originally written by Alex Comfort, a doctor and author who died in 2000, has been overhauled by Susan Quilliam, a British psychologist who advises a “practice session” before attempting new sexual positions so no one gets hurt.

The Atlanta Journal-Constitution reported that Atlanta’s No Pants brigade pre-empted Jamie Kendrick’s big plans of the Monster Jam truck rally on Saturday. En route from her Canton home to the Georgia Dome — on her very first MARTA ride — she witnessed nearly three dozen pranksters who took to the trains in their underwear. “I thought that maybe they work at Hooters,” the day care worker said of the two women standing in her car in white cotton high-cut briefs. “But then I thought, ‘I got new panties on, so does that mean I can take off my britches, too?’” She didn’t.

The idea of brotherhood of traveling pantless began in 2002, when seven people hopped New York City subways and dropped trou on their trips, according to Improv Everywhere, a New York-based guerrilla theater group. Saturday marked Atlanta’s first time participating in what is officially known as the “No Pants Day 2K9.” People react differently to the pantless. In Atlanta one man averted his eyes and clasped his female companion’s hand, to avoid a possible glance at the tighty whities. Most, though, just took pictures or burst into laughter.

Some people say that clothes are unnatural and that if humans were true to their natural origin they’d run around in their “birthday suits” all the time.

One woman's struggle against clothing

One woman's struggle against clothing

“We’re born nude and have to be taught to wear clothes which are completely unnatural, arbitrary and makes us subserviant to the clothing industry,” said Missy Mae-Bareclaw, a stripper at the Five-And-Dime Cheapskates Lounge and Tupperware Emporium.  “Not only is wearing clothes unnatural, it’s really immoral because it goes against the way we were born.  To compensate for my deep ethical struggles and yet appease social convention I wear mostly leather — which is animal based and closer to human skin than cotton, or I go nude.  That’s also why I strip, because I get paid to get natural and organic.  It’s the most natural way to work and live and still fit in.  True oneness with the planet requires us to avoid clothing and Internet based communications.  Everyone in the world should be nude and communicate in tactile ways.  It works at the Five-And-Dime.”

090116-j-o-tax

In other news, the Star Tribune reported last week that a former exotic dancer who worked at Rick’s Cabaret in Minneapolis between 2004 and 2006, and allegedly made about $80,000 in tips during one year, is now facing multiple felony charges for failing to report the money as income. Stephanie Antes, 28, of Albertville, is charged with five felony counts and one gross misdemeanor count of failing to file and pay income taxes and filing a false income tax return, according to the Minnesota Department of Revenue.  No word on how Stephanie feels about Google destroying the environment, but there’s no doubt that she backs No Pants Day 2K9, and probably has plans to enjoy the updated version of the “Joy of Sex” … if she’s not in jail for tax evasion.  You may be able to skip wearing clothes, but you can’t avoid paying taxes.  Unnatural though they may be, you pay them or the government has your ass – pantless or not.

(C) 2009 InebriatedPress.com

Source articles:

Research Reveals Environmental Impact of Google Searches
http://www.foxnews.com/story/0,2933,479127,00.html

Crown Publishing updates ‘Joy of Sex’
http://www.upi.com/Odd_News/2009/01/10/Crown_Publishing_updates_Joy_of_Sex/UPI-57101231615659/

No pants needed for MARTA ride
http://www.ajc.com/metro/content/metro/atlanta/stories/2009/01/10/marta_no_pants.html?cxntlid=homepage_tab_newstab

Rick’s Cabaret exotic dancer didn’t report $80,000 in tips, charges say
http://www.startribune.com/local/37313284.html?elr=KArksLckD8EQDUoaEyqyP4O:DW3ckUiD3aPc:_Yyc:aUac8HEaDiaMDCinchO7DU

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Sex and Booze Diet, Selling the Unabomber, and the Coming Solar Storm of Doom

> Hard Body Diet Includes Sex and Booze
> Unabomber Writings to Be Sold Online
> Powerful Solar Storm Could Shut Down U.S.

Inebriated Press
January 14, 2009

090114-hard-body-diet-includes-sex-and-boozeThe National Ledger reported last week that a new diet book called “Eat, Drink, and Be Gorgeous” says you can have your cake and eat it to.  The author says it’s too hard to stick with drastic diets and that fat-free foods take a toll on our sex lives.  She says regular helpings of sex, booze and even meat is important. And Fox News reported last week that a federal court has ordered the writings of the Unabomber be sold online with proceeds going to victims and survivors.  Meanwhile, Fox also reported that a new study from the National Academy of Sciences outlines grim possibilities on Earth from a powerful magnetic storm capable of disabling satellites, threatening astronaut safety, and even disrupting communication systems. Inebriated reporters are eagerly planning  for lots of booze and sex during the upcoming communications black-out, and the bidding war for the Unabomber writings.

090114-unabomber-manifesto“When I learned that I could become gorgeous on the sex and booze diet and then found out that solar storms were going to knock out the U.S. communication system for months, I figured it was my chance to live large in the dark and come out the other side a hotter babe than I already am now,” said Inebriated reporter Sunny Delight, a part-time writer and full-time sweet drink of female companionship.  “The Unabomber’s writing is probably something that a person who hasn’t lost their free cash in the economic down-turn might want to bid on, but it’s just so much hot air to me.  I mean the guy had to blow up stuff and kill people in order to try and get his point across.  I think the sex and booze diet will sell more copies.”

Solar storm

Solar storm

Not everyone agrees with Delight.  “The coming dark age of an electronic communication-less world will be a time of reflection for people around the earth and everyone will want to read the tome of a guy who blew people up, while they consider their own futures.  I’m sure that Al Qaeda, Hamas and other groups like them will want to read it,” said Dusty Mindbend, a vagrant and part-time explosive expert, who has been thinking a lot about becoming a radical Muslim so he can live his dreams in an ethical manner.  “Let’s face it, with Barack Obama, Nancy Pelosi and Harry Reid running things in America, that country will go so far to the left that even the Unabomber won’t like it.  We need to pull things to the radical Muslim right and ban sex, booze and the use of electric lights.  It’s a future I can believe in.”

The National Ledger reported that “Eat, Drink, and Be Gorgeous” is offered up by Esther Blum to get you on your way to that summer bikini body. “It’s quite possible to have your cake and eat it too,” argues dietitian-nutritionist Blum in this bubbly, vivacious approach to living well the healthy way. Avoiding dietary absolutes and encouraging readers to make gradual changes in their eating habits rather than drastic ones (which are often hard to keep up), Blum’s sensible guide is sure to resonate with young women. She makes compelling arguments for choosing organic foods-going so far as to list the top 12 most contaminated fruits and vegetables-and extols the virtues of grass-fed meat and dairy.”

Booze belt; be prepared

Booze belt; be prepared

“Fat-free diets have had the most awful impact on our sex lives too,” added Blum, who has run her nutrition clinic for 15 years and is a member of the American Dietetic Association and the Certification Board for Nutrition Specialists. “Women have removed fat from their diets, then been surprised when their libido is affected.”

Esther offers, “We live in a low-fat, fat-free culture, and women in particular have done their bodies a disservice, because we have disrupted our hormones to a quite phenomenal degree.”  More sex and a hard body will sound very good to many ladies, even in Hollywood.  Claims have been made that Sarah Jessica Parker has adopted the plan.

Kaczynski

Kaczynski

Fox News reported that a federal appeals court has ordered the writings of the Unabomber, Theodore Kaczynski, be sold online. Kaczynski is serving a life sentence for killing three people and injuring 23 during a nationwide bombing campaign between 1978 and 1995. The appeals court’s decision upholds a lower court ruling on the matter. Proceeds from the sale will be given to Kaczynski’s victims and their survivors. A judge had ordered Kaczynski to pay $15 million restitution. Representing himself, Kaczynski had objected to the online sale and argued that he should retain control of the papers.

Fox also reported that a new study from the National Academy of Sciences outlines grim possibilities on Earth for a worst-case scenario solar storm. The prediction is based in part on a major solar storm in 1859 that caused telegraph wires to short out in the United States and Europe, igniting widespread fires. When the sun is in the active phase of its 11-year cycle, it can unleash powerful magnetic storms that disable satellites, threaten astronaut safety, and even disrupt communication systems on Earth. The worst storms can knock out power grids by inducing currents that melt transformers.

090114_send_booze2“Impacts would be felt on interdependent infrastructures with, for example, potable water distribution affected within several hours; perishable foods and medications lost in 12-24 hours; immediate or eventual loss of heating/air conditioning, sewage disposal, phone service, transportation, fuel resupply and so on,” the report states. Outages could take months to fix, the researchers say. Banks might close, and trade with other countries might halt. “Emergency services would be strained, and command and control might be lost,” write the researchers, led by Daniel Baker, director of the Laboratory for Atmospheric and Space Physics at the University of Colorado in Boulder. The race is on for better forecasting abilities, as the next peak in solar activity is expected to come around 2012. The report was commissioned and funded by NASA. Experts from around the world in industry, government and academia participated.

Some people say that the solar storm could affect climate change on the earth and that world governments should join together and commission Theodore Kaczynski to destroy the sun and save our planet.

Someone named Stacy

Someone named Stacy

“Never mind that we’ve been having one of the coldest winters on record and that the Arctic ice is now at 1979 levels again, it’s still not cold enough to allow earth to survive the coming solar flare-up that’s going to wipe out all digital communications, power grids, baby seals and sex as we know it,” said Stacy McMasterson-Johnson, an executive secretary heavily into the booze and sex diet, sometimes having both at the same time.  “If Ted will blow up the sun I think we can still save this planet from global warming and have time to give Al Gore another award or two.  I may be a drunken nympho but I know what I’m talking about.  It’s not just Joe Biden who has a corner on television technology you know.”

Orgasmic porridge

Orgasmic porridge

In other news, OneIndia reported last week that along with a line of pills, lotions, Yoga and many other things to boost orgasm, Porridge is now an acclaimed adult breakfast cereal. ‘Morning Glory’ by Rude Health, a cereal product, has a growing number of fans including the famous cook Nigella Lawson, among others. Porridge is recommended as a good start for an early day and boosts the libido qualities.  It’s called “an orgasmic breakfast-in-bed”.  Reportedly a mixture of pumpkin seeds with zinc content “for a high-octane sex-drive boost,” barley, rye and quinoa flakes, “for a cheeky wake-up crunch,” all form the main content of the cereal. No word on whether it’s best for you when doused with booze or if it’s included in the “Eat, Drink, and Be Gorgeous” cookbook, but if the power grid goes down I’ll bet you’ll wish you have some.

(C) 2009 InebriatedPress.com

Source articles:

Hard Body Diet Includes Sex and Booze: The Exciting Esther Blum Way
http://www.nationalledger.com/ledgerpop/article_272624461.shtml

Unabomber Writings to Be Sold Online, Court Rules
http://www.foxnews.com/story/0,2933,478644,00.html

Powerful Solar Storm Could Shut Down U.S. for Months
http://www.foxnews.com/story/0,2933,478024,00.html

What Disappearing Sea Ice?
http://www.americanthinker.com/blog/2009/01/what_disappearing_sea_ice.html

Bed Breakfast Porridge Promises Orgasm
http://living.oneindia.in/insync/2009/bed-breakfast-porridge-orgasm-080109.html

Tools of the Unabomber’s trade:

090114-unabomber-manifesto-tools

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Panetta to Head CIA, Milky Way Bigger than Thought, Pink Iguana Evaded Darwin

> CIA operatives baffled with Obama’s pick of budget guy to run spy agency
> Astronomers discover Milky Way is 50% larger than they thought
> Biologists spot pink iguana on Galapagos Islands, Changes evolutionary theory

Inebriated Press
January 7, 2008

Top Spy Panetta

Top Spy Panetta

Wired.com reported Monday that ex-senior CIA staffers are mystified with president-elect Obama’s pick of former House budget chairman and Clinton chief-of-staff Leon Panetta, to head the CIA.  Some are convinced Obama is pushing the agency quietly out of the way. And Associated Press reported that astronomers who thought the Milky Way was smaller than the Andromeda Galaxy now admit they were wrong, and that it’s twice the size they believed it was.  Meanwhile, Discovery says there’s a rare pink iguana on the Galapagos Islands that Darwin missed, and it’s been around for 10 million years — which alters the evolutionary theory of the iguana’s development.  Pundits say that these three developments prove that humankind doesn’t know shit about what we’re doing most of the time.

Stacy Rae-Gunn or a reasonable facsimile thereof.

Stacy Rae-Gunn or a reasonable facsimile thereof.

“Let’s face it, scientists are winging it constantly and Obama is doing the same thing with the American intelligence community.  If the election of dumb-ass comedian Al Frankin as a U.S. Senator from Minnesota wasn’t enough, now we’ve got certifiable proof that humankind is actually devolving,” said Stacy Rae-Gunn, a platinum-light piercing the darkness of foggy thought, when she’s not stripping at the Gum-Wrapper Lounge and Tax Prep Shop.  “A president doesn’t appoint a budget guy and life-long politician to the top spy job in the United States if they actually want serious spying done.  You only do that if you want the Agency to be politically correct and within budget.  Spying by its very nature isn’t politically correct.  To do this to Central Intelligence is the equivalent of putting Britney Spears in charge of NASA.  No one can deny that its change, but the agency’s mission is turned inside out.”

Not everyone agrees with Rae-Gunn.  “Barack is doing what’s necessary for sound political change and this appointment will insure that the CIA will have well-organized office meetings and won’t overspend on hors d’oeuvres or order out for pizza too much,” said someone claiming to be Vladimir Putin, a locally known fry chef and dictator wannabe, whose expertise in politics is said to rival his experience with cooking oil.  “And astronomers and biologists are always right too, it’s the iguana that caused the theory trouble and the Milky Way probably just got bigger while we were looking the other way.  None of this should cast any doubt on the certainty of evolution, the big bang theory, or the benefits of a professional comedian running the U.S. Senate or a budget guy running the CIA.  And for crying out loud stop telling me that we can’t predict global warming just because we don’t know what the weather will be next week.  Predicting next weeks weather just isn’t as important as the fact that we know conclusively what will happen to the climate a hundred years from now if we keep letting cows fart.  I’ve made up my mind so don’t try to confuse me with some silly facts.”

Wired reported that the incoming Obama administration has named Leon Panetta as its nominee for the Director of Central Intelligence. Some observers are confused, to put it mildly, about the pick. The guy — a former White House chief of staff and House Budget Committee chairman — has a reputation for being a tough, competent manager, they say. But can he really be an effective CIA chief in the cloak-and-dagger world? And what about those pledges, to keep the intelligence community out of politics?  “I find the choice of Leon Panetta to head the CIA a curious one,” said a well-connected former spy according to Wired.com. “On the one hand, if you are looking to pick a nation’s top spook, it is generally a good idea to pick someone with more than a cursory exposure to the intelligence business. It is also more than a little annoying that we can’t seem to find a CIA chief that hasn’t spent all of their adult life playing politics.”  An ex-senior CIA manager told Laura Rozen that the message of the Panetta appointment was clear: “The message is, ‘I don’t want to hear anything out of the CIA. Make it go away. No scandals. Keep it quiet,'” the former officer said. “They put over there a guy who is a political loyalist, who will keep everything nice and quiet, but who won’t know a good piece of intelligence from a shitty piece of intelligence, and wouldn’t know a good intelligence officer” from a bad one.

Milky WayAssociated Press reported that for decades, astronomers thought when it came to the major galaxies in Earth’s cosmic neighborhood, our Milky Way was a weak sister to the larger Andromeda. Not anymore. The Milky Way is considerably larger, bulkier and spinning faster than astronomers once thought, Andromeda’s equal. Scientists mapped the Milky Way in a more detailed, three-dimensional way and found that it’s 15 percent larger in breadth. More important, it’s denser, with 50 percent more mass, which is like weight. Being bigger means the gravity between the Milky Way and Andromeda is stronger. So the long-forecast collision between the neighboring galaxies is likely to happen sooner and less likely to be a glancing blow, said study author Mark Reid of the Harvard-Smithsonian Center for Astrophysics in Cambridge, Mass. The new findings were presented Monday at the American Astronomical Society’s convention in Long Beach, Calif.

Pinky the Unfound Iguana

Pinky the Unfound Iguana

Discovery reported that when English naturalist Charles Darwin explored the Galapagos Islands in the early 1800s, he, and countless scientists since, overlooked a hefty pink iguana. Lead author of a new study Gabriele Gentile, a researcher in the Department of Biology at Tor Vergata University in Rome, took blood samples from several Galapagos iguanas, including the better-known yellow species. Gentile and his colleagues extracted DNA from the blood to illuminate how the different species are related to each other and when each emerged. Based on this study and earlier work, Gentile and his team believe that 10.5 million years ago, a common ancestor to both marine and land iguanas from Central or South America colonized the Galapagos Islands. The marine and land iguanas probably diverged at that time. Most researchers have thought that all major iguana species differentiated much later during the Pleistocene Epoch (1.8 million to 10,000 years ago). That wasn’t so, according to Gentile and his team.

Some people say that since truth and ethics are both relative and situational, it only makes sense that “facts” are also relative and arbitrary.

“No one is really who they pretend to be, whether they are rocket scientists, cashiers or Barack Obama,” said an Inebriated reporter, burping out some words while appearing to be asleep.  “The world of mass and measure, sound, fury or lunch meat is just a momentary fart in a skillet of post-election Obama-mania-euphoria. Everything is as nothing and all the world’s a stage and the players play and the dancers dance.  You can say what you want and be what you want and change into something else the day after tomorrow.  Chaos is the essence of truth and irrelevance is the heart of nature.  Everything is meaningless — except for the IRS on April 15th.  Better have your taxes in order or they’ll have your ass.”

U.S. Senator Al Franken

U.S. Senator Al Franken

In other news, the American Thinker reported Monday that after the onslaught of record breaking bitter temperatures during the last quarter of 2008, and with less wind, the amount of sea ice has significantly and dramatically rebounded at the fastest rate ever before recorded.  Currently being measured to be about where it was 29 years ago in 1979, sea ice is again as expansive and dense as it was when global cooling proponents of the time said that we were witnessing the advance of a mini ice age. Reported by the University of Illinois’s Arctic Climate Research Center, and derived from satellite observations of the Northern and Southern hemisphere polar regions, sea ice has been restored to pre-Anthropogenic Global Warming (AGW) levels.  The article said that the fantasy and absurdity of AGW is becoming laughable, and again is proven conclusively wrong.  No word on when Al Gore will have their ass for bringing up messy facts to get in the way of firm belief, but with Al Franken in the U.S. Senate, Leon Panetta managing Central Intelligence, and Marx Brothers movies for guidance, you can bet it won’t be long.

(C) 2009 InebriatedPress.com

Source articles:

Spooks Scratch Their Heads Over Obama CIA Pick
http://blog.wired.com/defense/2009/01/the-incoming-ob.html

Milky Way _ the galaxy _ not snack-sized anymore
http://hosted.ap.org/dynamic/stories/S/SCI_MILKY_WAY?SITE=AP

Rare Pink Iguana Evaded Darwin
http://dsc.discovery.com/news/2009/01/05/pink-iguana.html

What Disappearing Sea Ice?
http://www.americanthinker.com/blog/2009/01/what_disappearing_sea_ice.html

The Long Recount is Over
http://voices.washingtonpost.com/washingtonpostinvestigations/2009/01/after_six_weeks_of_the.html?wprss=washingtonpostinvestigations

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