Tag Archives: Hamas

America turns against Israel; Bad Girls are fun at Parties, Disasters at Life

> Obama cancels visit with Israel P.M. ,“out of town” that day
> Bad girls versus good girls, big trade-offs

Inebriated Press
April 21, 2009

Good girls or bad girls?

Good girls or bad girls?

Australia’s The Age reported Saturday that the increasingly tense dialogue between U.S. President Obama and new Israeli Prime Minister Benjamin Netanyahu is beginning to look downright unfriendly.  Last Thursday the White House informed Mr Netanyahu that a planned first meeting with President Obama in Washington next month had been called off because the President decided to leave town.  Meanwhile, FunReports has announced that bad girls are fun in parties and sex, but scary and untrustworthy in family life.  Pundits are debating whether fun presidents and women are worth the risk of future disaster.

A guy named Dick

A guy named Dick

“Life is short and you need to get every adrenaline rush you can, so I voted for Obama because he has no experience running any form of business or government, and no management education or operations skills at all — so you know it’s going to be a wild ride.  That’s also why I always go after the hottest women who have no ethics standing in the way of a crazy no-holds-barred night on the first date,” said Dick Nukem-Sixx, a night club manager and restaurateur when he’s not hospitalized.  “No relationship should remain stable longer than six months, then it should be turned upside down just for the excitement.  That’s true whether it’s the US-Israel relationship, US-Iran, US-Russia, or Debbie doing Dallas.  Life isn’t about taking the safe and predictable path, that’s way dull.  Better to let it all hang out, switch up attitude and nuclear weaponry and see what happens.  I’ve had a hell of a lot of fun living this way.  The only downside is all the prescription drugs I’m taking to manage STD’s, pain and psycho-therapy.  Still, I’m not bored.  I get depressed when I sit still too long.  Better to risk my life and those around me than be bored.”

A gal named Chloe

A gal named Chloe

Not everyone agrees with Nukem-Sixx.  “No relationship is perfect, there are always ups and downs, you have to expect that, but a mature person or country understands that stability has value in and of itself, and that it’s hard to find people or countries you can count on, so you need to work at building and maintaining good relationships.  One-night-stands or short term missile defense might be fun for the moment, but what do they do for you in the long run?  Leave you wishing there was something more,” said Chloe Vesba-Firmm, a sheet metal worker and secret Mensa member, who finds people she likes and then lives, loves and never let’s go.  “I’m not saying some thing’s don’t end, but I won’t let them end without trying to fix them.  Why did Obama blow off Israel and kiss the hand of the Saudi King?  Israel is the only stable democracy in the Middle East and the Saudi’s fund Wahhabi Islam a violent, intolerant ‘faith’ that’s currently the reason we’re fighting terrorism today.  Obama’s the kind of guy who chases the bad girls at parties only to find out that when he tries to live with them they wreck his life.  I don’t care what he does with his personal life, but doing this shit with America is just plain bad.”

Muslim ObamaThe Age reported that watching the drama unfold inside Israel, the increasingly tense dialogue between US President Barack Obama and new Israeli Prime Minister Benjamin Netanyahu is taking on all the trappings of a duel.  Can Israel still call the United States its best international friend? Apparently not. Almost every day brings news of another sore point between the two countries, a source of yet further inflammation of their once warm relations. It is bad enough that President Obama uses almost every opportunity he can to set the parameters of a final peace agreement between Israel and the Palestinians. Now US officials are openly using Israeli anxiety over Iran’s fledging nuclear program as a bargaining chip to force Israel’s hand on giving up control of the West Bank Palestinian territory.

Obama IslamWhite House chief-of-staff Rahm Emanuel was quoted last week laying down the law to Israel. If Israel wants US help to defuse the Iranian threat, Mr Emanuel was reported to have told Jewish leaders in Washington, then start evacuating settlements in the West Bank. Talkback radio blazed with fury across the country the same day, as Israelis protested that no US official had the right to tell them where to live. Then on Thursday came the news that Mr Netanyahu’s planned first meeting with President Obama in Washington next month had been called off. Administration officials informed Mr Netanyahu’s office that the President would not be “in town”. Mr Obama has also dropped the Bush administration’s opposition to the Iranian financed terrorist group Hamas being part of a future Palestinian Authority government.

Bad girls

Bad girls

FunReports.com reported that bad girls are fun in parties and sex, but dangerous in family life. An evaluation criterion is quite simple. It has to do with a stranger asking a girl for favors. A good girl will say a quick and categorical “no” while a bad one will ask the man “when”. There is a set of virtues and shortcomings both types of the girls are bestowed with.  Bad girls have an optimistic attitude to life. They are full of energy. They do not indulge in self-analysis. They do not tend to fall into a period of depression. Life is a never-ending show for them. Bad girls are hungry for sex. They enjoy sexual experimentation. They will do anything they want and maybe more than you want them to when having sex with you.

Fun, dangerous

Fun, dangerous

However, despite obvious advantages, bad girls are really bad when it comes to certain things. First, they can not be trusted. Indeed, these vultures are serial flirters and were made to seduce anything that moves. Second, they can be dangerous if they happen to be behind the wheel. They can be as wild and reckless driving a car as they are when making love. These girls are always unpredictable, they often end up in a company of junkies or rummies. You can not build a solid relationship with this kind of girl. Soon you will find out that she is very selfish and simply does not give a damn about her potential partner. Girls like that enjoy being extravagant. They love going on a shopping spree if money is at hand. They will make lousy wives and mothers, their life is a string of divorce.

So you had better court the good ones. The good ones can vary as well but this is the truth: you can experience the precious moments of inner peace and comfort only when a good girl looks after you. She will take care of you when you fall ill, she will miss you when you are out somewhere. Sex is not the top priority for good girls so you do not have to be a super lover. A girl like that is unlikely to cheat on you. Stop worrying even if she is exceptionally pretty. Remember how she told you to beat it on the first date when you tried to make out with her after having a few drinks. She can discourage any guy in a similar way. Good girls mostly stick to monogamous relationships.

Bare armed and dangerous

Bare armed and dangerous

In other news, WSB-TV Atlanta reported that Loganville, Georgia police said they arrested a man after he entered the automobile of two female waitresses from Hooters intending to have sex with them. Police said Christopher Childers, 40, saw the two 19-year-old girls walk into a Wal-Mart to do some shopping. While they were in the store, Childers allegedly got into their car, found pictures of the girls in their uniforms which he placed in his truck. He then got back into the girls’ car to wait for them, police said.

When the girls returned, one girl slammed Childers leg with the car door and the other called 911, Loganville Police Chief Mike McHugh confirmed to Channel 2 Action News. Employees from Wal-Mart came outside to assist the two females and the group held Childers inside the vehicle until police arrived. Upon officers’ arrival, Childers was still inside the victim’s vehicle. Loganville Police Department officer Artie Turner said that Childers told them he was waiting for the girls because “they looked easy” and he had a conservative girlfriend.  No word on whether Iran thinks Obama looks easy, but according to the UK Times Online, French President Sarkozy says Obama is “weak”.  Looks like the adrenaline rush from all the “Obama fun” with the economy and foreign policy is going to come to an end eventually.  Time will tell just how big a disaster that’s going to be.

(C) 2009 InebriatedPress.com

Source articles:

Obama’s stance worries Israelis
http://www.theage.com.au/world/obamas-stance-worries-israelis-20090417-aa90.html?page=-1

Bad girls are fun in parties and sex, but boring in family life
http://www.funreports.com/fun/23-11-2005/1298-bag_girl-0

Hooters Girls Battle Man Hiding In Car
http://www.wsbtv.com/news/19208184/detail.html#-

Sarkozy snipes at ‘dim’ Spanish PM and ‘weak’ Barack Obama
http://www.timesonline.co.uk/tol/news/world/europe/article6106250.ece

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Filed under Humor

New Drug Control’s Love and Hate; Hamas Converts Medical Supplies into Bombs; and Muslim Peace-nik Beheads Wife

Inebriated Press
February 20, 2009

The Love Drug do'in it's thang

The Love Drug do'in it's thang

Tufts Daily, a university newspaper, reported last week that a new drug that can make people fall in and out of love is in the early stages of testing, and may create and control romantic emotions. And United Press International reported last week that members of the militant group Hamas used medicine bottles delivered to the Gaza Strip to make grenades.  Meanwhile, Muzzammil Hassan, founder of Bridges TV — designed to portray Muslims in a more positive light — was charged last week by police with murder for beheading his wife. Pundits are debating whether some things are really different than they seem, but remain confident that the trillion dollar bill that Obama signed into U.S. law is really a stimulus package and not the foundation for restructuring the U.S. into a socialist nation.

Someone named Suzie

Someone named Suzie

“Just because only 3 percent of spending in the Obama Plan takes place in 2009 and all the rest occurs in later years and the federal government will grow 30 percent in size, doesn’t mean that Obama really intends to change America even though he’s said that’s his plan all along,” said Susi Q-Tipp, a part-time welder and stripper at the Happy Hooker Lounge and Machine Works.  “And the provisions creating a healthcare czar, funding a nation-wide computer system to collect and track every citizens health records, and establish a panel to review all health related doctors decisions and rank them, doesn’t mean he has any intention of creating a national healthcare system.  Besides, once the love drug is available and in our water supply we’ll love everything he does.  And what’s wrong with converting some medical supplies donated to Hamas into bombs, or beheading a spouse if that’s part of your culture.  Easy come, easy go, I say. Live and let die.”

090220-obamaacorn-b-w1Not everyone agrees with Q-Tipp.  “I suppose a drug could be created that makes me fall in-to and out-of love based on how much I take and when, but I still can’t shake the notion that Obama’s plan to change America is exactly what he intends to do, since he’s said that’s his plan and continues to say so,” said Tom Thumb-Naill, an accountant and nay-sayer who spends an inordinate amount of free time managing financial risk and accumulating condoms ‘just in case’. “Terrorists convert medical supplies into bombs and a Muslim beheads his wife after creating a TV station to help sell Westerners the idea that Islam is a peaceful religion.  What a big surprise.  Experts say Obama’s plan will not stimulate the economy and that it will have to work itself out on its own, while Obama’s plan will jack up the federal governments’ size and cost, while creating new funding for ACORN and other leftist pet initiatives.  That’s supposed to be a surprise too?  He is who he told Joe the Plumber he is: an income redistributionist; and he’s using the Plan to slide around income while opening up new interpretations via his Executive Orders, and shifting the U.S. Census Bureau to the White House so it can restructure the vote for 2012.  A Socialist restructuring a country to get what he wants into perpetuity is surprising to you?  Ha. Same old same old.”

090220-romance1-b-wThe Tufts Daily reported that a new drug that can make people fall in and out of love is in the early stages of testing, and its development may be a one-way ticket to controlling romantic emotion. The idea for this drug — and prospective vaccine — is based on the research of neuroscientist Dr. Larry Young. Young worked with animals called prairie voles, which are among the small minority of mammals — less than five percent — who share humans’ propensity for monogamy. When a female prairie vole’s brain is artificially infused with oxytocin, a hormone that produces neural rewards comparable to those created by substances such as nicotine and cocaine, she will quickly become attached to the nearest male. A related hormone, vasopressin, creates urges for bonding and nesting in male voles.

The research also revealed that male voles with a genetically limited vasopressin response were less likely to find mates. Young’s corresponding research found that men with a similar genetic tendency were less likely to commit. Theoretically, if used to its fullest potential, the new drug could effectively harness these chemicals and be used to make people experience emotions of love. Conversely, it could also be used to prevent people from feeling such sentiments simply by receiving an injection of the substance. Even if Young were able to construct a drug that worked perfectly for humans, there are a number of ethical questions that come into play when dealing with an emotion as fragile and peculiar as love.

090220_peaceful_muslims_behead-b-wUPI reported that members of the militant group Hamas used medicine bottles delivered to the Gaza Strip to make grenades, an Israeli Defense Ministry official said. The official said Hamas created the explosive devices to use them against Israeli forces, The Jerusalem Post reported Friday. The bottles were sent by Israel for humanitarian aid, the official said.

“This is another example of Hamas’s cynical use of humanitarian supplies to attack Israel,” the official said. “Israel facilitates the transfer of the supplies to the Gaza Strip, and Hamas uses the supplies to create weapons.” Israeli forces located several of the undetonated homemade grenades in northern Gaza while taking part in military action against Hamas last month.

Muzzammil and AAsiya when she still had her head

Muzzammil and AAsiya when she still had her head

The Buffalo News reported last week that Orchard Park police are investigating a particularly gruesome killing, the beheading of a woman, after her husband — an influential member of the local Muslim community — reported her death to police last Thursday. Muzzammil Hassan, founder of Bridges TV, is charged with murder in the beheading of his wife, Aasiya Hassan. Hassan is CEO of Bridges TV, which he launched in 2004, amid hopes that it would help portray Muslims in a more positive light. The killing apparently occurred some time late last Thursday afternoon. Authorities say Aasiya Hassan recently had filed for divorce from her husband.

Some people say that the West needs to be more tolerant of other cultures and their beliefs.

090220-radicalislam-b-w“It is common for people in Muslim countries to saw the heads off of people they disagree with, and even family members who have shamed them; this is good and proper behavior for a people who should be dominating the world,” said Ima Kikyourazz-Squared, a cleric and weapons trafficker who does both at the same time.  “The West has been so intolerant of our culture that we must wipe Israel and America off the face of the earth, so help us god, so that totalitarian freedom will reign.  We’re pleased that Obama is closing Guantanamo and dumbing down the U.S. rules of engagement so that fewer of us will experience discomfort if we’re arrested and taken to U.S. court.  It seems silly that some in the U.S. don’t understand our plans or Obama’s when we’ve both made ourselves clear.  Still, that’s what separates the stupid from the strong.  And we are strong.  Want to surrender your necks to our blades now or do it during Obama’s second term?”

Healthy Penis

Healthy Penis

In other news, NBC Bay Area reported last week that San Franciscans are rejoicing over their favorite mascot — the Healthy Penis.  The campaign began in 2002 after the San Francisco Department of Health conducted several focus groups to see how best to raise awareness about syphilis in the city and how best to persuade gay men to get screened. The city says the campaign was a huge success because it led to a significant decrease in syphilis cases. The Healthy Penis was later introduced in Los Angeles, Portland, Philadelphia, Seattle, Santa Clara County and in Winnipeg, Canada but in a less provocative way we’re told.

090220-healthypenis4-b-w1The campaign has expanded to include an African-American penis named Byron the Penis and a Hispanic penis named Pedro the Penis as well. The original penis Clark is heading up the campaign and is still the most recognizable penis in the city. Phil the Sore is also back in the campaign trying to cause all the havoc that syphilis causes. Maybe the scariest part of it all is that the three penises have Facebook and My Space pages, while Phil has his own regularly updated Twitter page. No word on how much funding the Penis campaign will receive from Obama’s “stimulus package” but why give a shit now.

(C) 2009 InebriatedPress.com

Source Articles:

Love Potion #1: New drug could control love’s presence
http://www.tuftsdaily.com/1.1375307-1.1375307

Medicine bottles used for Hamas grenades
http://www.upi.com/Top_News/2009/02/13/Medicine_bottles_used_for_Hamas_grenades/UPI-50051234556744/

Prominent Orchard Park man charged with beheading his wife
http://www.buffalonews.com/437/story/578644.html

The City Welcomes Back Its Favorite Mascot
http://www.nbcbayarea.com/around_town/the_scene/Welcome-Back-Healthy-Penis.html

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Sex and Booze Diet, Selling the Unabomber, and the Coming Solar Storm of Doom

> Hard Body Diet Includes Sex and Booze
> Unabomber Writings to Be Sold Online
> Powerful Solar Storm Could Shut Down U.S.

Inebriated Press
January 14, 2009

090114-hard-body-diet-includes-sex-and-boozeThe National Ledger reported last week that a new diet book called “Eat, Drink, and Be Gorgeous” says you can have your cake and eat it to.  The author says it’s too hard to stick with drastic diets and that fat-free foods take a toll on our sex lives.  She says regular helpings of sex, booze and even meat is important. And Fox News reported last week that a federal court has ordered the writings of the Unabomber be sold online with proceeds going to victims and survivors.  Meanwhile, Fox also reported that a new study from the National Academy of Sciences outlines grim possibilities on Earth from a powerful magnetic storm capable of disabling satellites, threatening astronaut safety, and even disrupting communication systems. Inebriated reporters are eagerly planning  for lots of booze and sex during the upcoming communications black-out, and the bidding war for the Unabomber writings.

090114-unabomber-manifesto“When I learned that I could become gorgeous on the sex and booze diet and then found out that solar storms were going to knock out the U.S. communication system for months, I figured it was my chance to live large in the dark and come out the other side a hotter babe than I already am now,” said Inebriated reporter Sunny Delight, a part-time writer and full-time sweet drink of female companionship.  “The Unabomber’s writing is probably something that a person who hasn’t lost their free cash in the economic down-turn might want to bid on, but it’s just so much hot air to me.  I mean the guy had to blow up stuff and kill people in order to try and get his point across.  I think the sex and booze diet will sell more copies.”

Solar storm

Solar storm

Not everyone agrees with Delight.  “The coming dark age of an electronic communication-less world will be a time of reflection for people around the earth and everyone will want to read the tome of a guy who blew people up, while they consider their own futures.  I’m sure that Al Qaeda, Hamas and other groups like them will want to read it,” said Dusty Mindbend, a vagrant and part-time explosive expert, who has been thinking a lot about becoming a radical Muslim so he can live his dreams in an ethical manner.  “Let’s face it, with Barack Obama, Nancy Pelosi and Harry Reid running things in America, that country will go so far to the left that even the Unabomber won’t like it.  We need to pull things to the radical Muslim right and ban sex, booze and the use of electric lights.  It’s a future I can believe in.”

The National Ledger reported that “Eat, Drink, and Be Gorgeous” is offered up by Esther Blum to get you on your way to that summer bikini body. “It’s quite possible to have your cake and eat it too,” argues dietitian-nutritionist Blum in this bubbly, vivacious approach to living well the healthy way. Avoiding dietary absolutes and encouraging readers to make gradual changes in their eating habits rather than drastic ones (which are often hard to keep up), Blum’s sensible guide is sure to resonate with young women. She makes compelling arguments for choosing organic foods-going so far as to list the top 12 most contaminated fruits and vegetables-and extols the virtues of grass-fed meat and dairy.”

Booze belt; be prepared

Booze belt; be prepared

“Fat-free diets have had the most awful impact on our sex lives too,” added Blum, who has run her nutrition clinic for 15 years and is a member of the American Dietetic Association and the Certification Board for Nutrition Specialists. “Women have removed fat from their diets, then been surprised when their libido is affected.”

Esther offers, “We live in a low-fat, fat-free culture, and women in particular have done their bodies a disservice, because we have disrupted our hormones to a quite phenomenal degree.”  More sex and a hard body will sound very good to many ladies, even in Hollywood.  Claims have been made that Sarah Jessica Parker has adopted the plan.

Kaczynski

Kaczynski

Fox News reported that a federal appeals court has ordered the writings of the Unabomber, Theodore Kaczynski, be sold online. Kaczynski is serving a life sentence for killing three people and injuring 23 during a nationwide bombing campaign between 1978 and 1995. The appeals court’s decision upholds a lower court ruling on the matter. Proceeds from the sale will be given to Kaczynski’s victims and their survivors. A judge had ordered Kaczynski to pay $15 million restitution. Representing himself, Kaczynski had objected to the online sale and argued that he should retain control of the papers.

Fox also reported that a new study from the National Academy of Sciences outlines grim possibilities on Earth for a worst-case scenario solar storm. The prediction is based in part on a major solar storm in 1859 that caused telegraph wires to short out in the United States and Europe, igniting widespread fires. When the sun is in the active phase of its 11-year cycle, it can unleash powerful magnetic storms that disable satellites, threaten astronaut safety, and even disrupt communication systems on Earth. The worst storms can knock out power grids by inducing currents that melt transformers.

090114_send_booze2“Impacts would be felt on interdependent infrastructures with, for example, potable water distribution affected within several hours; perishable foods and medications lost in 12-24 hours; immediate or eventual loss of heating/air conditioning, sewage disposal, phone service, transportation, fuel resupply and so on,” the report states. Outages could take months to fix, the researchers say. Banks might close, and trade with other countries might halt. “Emergency services would be strained, and command and control might be lost,” write the researchers, led by Daniel Baker, director of the Laboratory for Atmospheric and Space Physics at the University of Colorado in Boulder. The race is on for better forecasting abilities, as the next peak in solar activity is expected to come around 2012. The report was commissioned and funded by NASA. Experts from around the world in industry, government and academia participated.

Some people say that the solar storm could affect climate change on the earth and that world governments should join together and commission Theodore Kaczynski to destroy the sun and save our planet.

Someone named Stacy

Someone named Stacy

“Never mind that we’ve been having one of the coldest winters on record and that the Arctic ice is now at 1979 levels again, it’s still not cold enough to allow earth to survive the coming solar flare-up that’s going to wipe out all digital communications, power grids, baby seals and sex as we know it,” said Stacy McMasterson-Johnson, an executive secretary heavily into the booze and sex diet, sometimes having both at the same time.  “If Ted will blow up the sun I think we can still save this planet from global warming and have time to give Al Gore another award or two.  I may be a drunken nympho but I know what I’m talking about.  It’s not just Joe Biden who has a corner on television technology you know.”

Orgasmic porridge

Orgasmic porridge

In other news, OneIndia reported last week that along with a line of pills, lotions, Yoga and many other things to boost orgasm, Porridge is now an acclaimed adult breakfast cereal. ‘Morning Glory’ by Rude Health, a cereal product, has a growing number of fans including the famous cook Nigella Lawson, among others. Porridge is recommended as a good start for an early day and boosts the libido qualities.  It’s called “an orgasmic breakfast-in-bed”.  Reportedly a mixture of pumpkin seeds with zinc content “for a high-octane sex-drive boost,” barley, rye and quinoa flakes, “for a cheeky wake-up crunch,” all form the main content of the cereal. No word on whether it’s best for you when doused with booze or if it’s included in the “Eat, Drink, and Be Gorgeous” cookbook, but if the power grid goes down I’ll bet you’ll wish you have some.

(C) 2009 InebriatedPress.com

Source articles:

Hard Body Diet Includes Sex and Booze: The Exciting Esther Blum Way
http://www.nationalledger.com/ledgerpop/article_272624461.shtml

Unabomber Writings to Be Sold Online, Court Rules
http://www.foxnews.com/story/0,2933,478644,00.html

Powerful Solar Storm Could Shut Down U.S. for Months
http://www.foxnews.com/story/0,2933,478024,00.html

What Disappearing Sea Ice?
http://www.americanthinker.com/blog/2009/01/what_disappearing_sea_ice.html

Bed Breakfast Porridge Promises Orgasm
http://living.oneindia.in/insync/2009/bed-breakfast-porridge-orgasm-080109.html

Tools of the Unabomber’s trade:

090114-unabomber-manifesto-tools

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Booby Traps, Money Saving Sex, and Muslim P.R.

Women with chloroform on their boobs knock out and rob men
Britons ‘saving money with sex’
Muslims worry about image after Mumbai terrorism

Inebriated Press
December 3, 2008

Thieving Cleavage

Thieving Cleavage

Agence France Presse reported last week that a gang of robbers in Uganda have been using women with chloroform smeared on their chests to knock their victims unconscious and rob them. And BBC News reported Monday that as the credit crunch bites, Britons may be turning to sex as a cheap way to pass the time.  Meanwhile Associated Press reported Sunday that many Muslims say they are worried that the carnage in Mumbai, India, brought on by Islamic militants may cause people to have negative feelings about their religion. Some pundits are debating the benefits of sex to save money or acquire it, while others ponder the notion that Muslims could gain positive public relations if they’d just stop killing people they disagree with.

“You don’t have to give away sex as a religion to gain popularity, or even use sex as a come-on to get good publicity. In most cases, not killing innocent people indiscriminately in public will be perceived as a good thing,” said Ahem Bacon, a religious expert and former Muslim who was persecuted because of his last name.  “If mainstream Muslims will come out against the terroristic behavior of people in their faith — and that includes coming out against Hamas, Al Qaeda, Iranian President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad, Hezbollah, the PLO, the rioters who protested cartoons in Demark, plus the legions of other Muslim whacko’s like them — maybe infidels who want to live safe and quiet lives will think better of them.  Of course if they’d open a few ‘Arabian Knight Hot-Babe Harem’ strip clubs or offer money-saving sex it wouldn’t hurt either, but that’s probably a stretch.”

Mubai Attack

Mubai Attack

Not everyone agrees with Bacon.  “No one named Bacon carries any weight in the area of religion or Sharia law, and such talk should be banned, and such people who suggest a Muslim speak against another Muslim for any reason, should be beheaded as should all infidels, god willing,” said Musomad High-Top Lincoln-Logg, a fair weather friend and scholar often confused with a thug.  “There should be no talk of sex or breasts unless the Muslim elders offer female children to tribal leaders for such occasions, then its fine.  Our laws allow men to do whatever they want and require women to be subservient on all occasions.  This is gods’ way and we will religiously enforce that among our people and eventually upon all tolerant civilizations who must ultimately bend to our will.  The Taliban and Al Qaeda display the true way for us to follow, and with the help of Saudi money we will continue to expand across Europe and America until we have obtained the greatest peace for all, as civilization comes under our thumb.  No more boobies or money saving sex for you unless you’re a member of our clan!”

Associated Press reported that ten gunmen attacked 10 targets in the three-day assault including a Jewish community center and luxury hotels in India’s commercial hub. More than 170 people were killed. Muslims from the Middle East to Britain and Austria condemned the Mumbai shooting rampage by Islamic militants as senseless terrorism, but also found themselves on the defensive once again about bloodshed linked to their religion. Intellectuals and community leaders called for greater efforts to combat religious fanaticism. Indian police said Sunday that the only surviving gunman told them he belongs to the Pakistani militant group Lashkar-e-Taiba. The group is reported to have links with al-Qaida.

Muslim wrought carnage

Muslim wrought carnage

Many Muslims said they are worried such carnage is besmirching their religion. In Britain, home to nearly two million Muslims, a spokesman for the Muslim Council of Britain, Inayat Bunglawala, said that “a handful of terrorists like this bring the entire faith into disrepute.” However, in Islamic Web forums, some praised the Mumbai attacks, including the targeting of Jews. A man identified as Sheik Youssef al-Ayeri said the killings are in line with Islam. In the Gaza Strip, the territory’s Islamic militant Hamas rulers declined comment. Hamas has carried out scores of suicide attacks in Israel, killing hundreds of civilians in recent years. Iranian President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad referred to the attacks as terrorism, but added that the violence is rooted in “unjust policies.” The Saudi Press Agency said that it “strongly condemns and denounces this criminal act.” However, Jonathan Fighel, an Israeli counterterrorism expert, said Saudi organizations have been funneling money to Muslim militants in Kashmir. “This demonstrates exactly the double game and, I would say, the hypocrisy of the Saudi regime,” said Fighel.

Money saving technique

Money saving technique

BBC News reported that a YouGov survey of 2,000 adults found sex was the most popular free activity, ahead of window shopping and gossiping. The article said that as the credit crunch bites, Britons are turning to sex as a cheap way to pass the time. The Scots were most amorous with 43% choosing sex over other pastimes, compared with 35% in South England. Aids charity the Terrence Higgins Trust, which published the survey, also welcomed recent figures showing an increase in condom sales. Around one in 10 respondents to the survey, carried in November, said their favorite free activity was window shopping and 6% chose going to a museum as the cheapest way to pass the time. But the sexes differed on their priorities, with women preferring to gossip with friends while men had sex firmly at the top of their list. 
 

Unsafe cleavage

Unsafe cleavage

Agence France Presse (AFP) reported that Uganda’s police are warning male bar-goers to be careful after a probe found a gang of robbers had been using women with chloroform smeared on their chests to knock their victims unconscious. “They apply this chemical to their chest. We have found victims in an unconscious state,” Criminal Investigations Directorate (CID) spokesman Fred Enanga told AFP. “You find the person stripped totally naked and everything is taken from him,” he said. “And the victim doesn’t remember anything. He just remembers being in the act of romancing.” Enanga, who explained that several types of heavy sedatives had been used, said he first came across the practice last year when an apprehended thief named Juliana Mukasa made a clean breast of the matter. While early investigations suggest that the gang may consist of dozens of members, the source of the sedatives remains unknown.

Some people say that sex and sedatives are the best way to combat fear of Islamofascism.

“Our increasingly ‘progressive’ and ‘tolerant’ Western societies are bending over backwards to accommodate intolerant and hateful Muslim religion while suppressing traditional Christian-Judeo faiths and even use of the words ‘Merry Christmas’ during the holiday season; and since the U.S. has decided to move further to the left by electing Obama, I guess the best we can do now is have lots of cheap sex and take plenty of heavy sedatives to remain calm and relaxed,” said someone claiming to be Doctor Joyce Brothers, an old pop psychologist drug out for all occasions.  “So forget being afraid and embrace a new fearless lifestyle, heck forget worrying about safe sex or radical Muslims and all the rest. They’re just alternative life-styles. We really should be more tolerant you know.  What’s a few beheadings, public massacres or a couple of STD’s?  No worries mate. Get it on.”

Dr Groper

Dr Groper

In other news, the UK Mail Online reported that Dr Parag Bhatt, 44, fondled the breasts of six female patients at his surgery over a five-month period, a court has heard. One woman went in with a suspected broken finger and had her breast massaged, while the GP groped another patient with one hand as he worked on a computer, it was alleged. One complainant was a 17-year-old who had dry skin around her nipple. Bhatt told her to take her bra off and lie on the couch. He started to play with her breasts with his fingers around her nipples and was breathing heavily. The doctor was arrested on October 4 last year. The hearing continues. No word on whether other doctors feel Bhatt may be hurting the image of their profession, but reports out of the mammography wing indicate plenty of boob pressing and grabbing is still going on unabated.

(C) 2008 InebriatedPress.com

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American’s Funding Hamas and Scanning ID’s, While the Web Keeps Us Sane

U.S. Foundation guilty of funneling $12 million to terrorists
New machines electronically read your drivers license from 50 feet away
People surf the Internet to flee reality

Inebriated Press
November 26, 2008

Sad Hamas Supporters in Dallas

Sad Hamas Supporters in Dallas

The Dallas Morning News reported Monday that a jury found a Muslim charity and five men who worked with the group guilty of three dozen counts related to the illegal funneling of at least $12 million to the Palestinian terrorist group Hamas. And USA Today reported Monday that the Homeland Security Department has new machines at the Canada and Mexico borders that allow personnel to “read” data on your passport and driver’s license from 50 feet away, as you approach the border.  Meanwhile, USA Today also reported that when bad news gets overwhelming, some people turn to the Internet for live video feeds of puppies to keep themselves sane.  Pundits debate charitable terrorist groups, charitable puppies and the ethics of strangers obtaining intimate knowledge of you, because you’re within 50 feet of them.

“If I want to give someone my personal information or hand terrorists some spending cash, that should be my choice and I shouldn’t be duped by a Muslim charity or scanned by Homeland Security without my knowledge,” said Larry Patron-Idee, a hard working maintenance worker and occasional postal recipient.  “The economy is weak, terrorists want to kill us and our own government is logging personal information about folks who get close to the border.  I’m so depressed that only puppies frolicking on video-cam can cheer me up.”

Stress Relief

Stress Relief

Not everyone thinks the latest news is negative.  “We caught and busted the Muslims running the scam and pushing millions of dollars to Hamas.  Do I wish we’d have busted them sooner?  Sure, but we got them now and it’s stopped, so quit whining about it,” said Elizabeth Bixley-Protem, a temporary worker at Dollar General, who moonlights at Ziggy’s Tax Prep and Strip Club.  “And it’s good that the border guards have some powerful tools like a scanner that can read the fake ID’s or real passports of people trying to get in or out of the country.  The legitimate folks will go through quicker and the cheaters will get caught.  This stuff is working people, that’s why it’s in the news.  And it’s good news!  Forget all the Internet puppy stuff; be glad we’re winning the war on terror and head down to Ziggy’s if you need a break.  How many joints will let you drink booze and watch strippers while they do your taxes?  It’s a hell of a good deal and fun to boot!”

The Dallas Morning News reported that a jury on Monday determined that the Holy Land Foundation and five men who worked with the Muslim charity were guilty of three dozen counts related to the illegal funneling of at least $12 million to the Palestinian terrorist group Hamas. Guilty verdicts were read on 108 separate charges.

Distressed Palestinians Needing Cash

Distressed Palestinians Needing Cash

Robert Hirschhorn, a nationally known jury consultant based in Lewisville, said “The jury has handed the government a huge victory and a loud and clear message has been sent — if any group funnels money to a terrorist organization, the government will hunt you down and turn off the money spigot.” Defense attorneys argued that the foundation was a legitimate, non-political charity that helped distressed Palestinians under Israeli occupation.

USA Today reported that agents along the Canada and Mexico borders are using a controversial new machine that can “read” the personal information contained in some government-issued ID cards — such as passports and driver’s licenses — as travelers approach a checkpoint. The Homeland Security Department says the new practice will tighten security and speed the flow of traffic. Privacy-rights advocates warn that terrorists or other criminals can use their own machines in a process called “skimming” to read the information from as far as 50 feet.

New Passport

New Passport

Consumer privacy expert Katherine Albrecht says the chips create the “potential for a whole surveillance network to be set up.” She says police could use them to find criminals, abusive husbands to find their wives, and stores to track customers. Homeland Security says the chips are made not to reveal personal information to machine readers — just a code, that then shows the information on the border agents’ screen.

USA Today reported that when the reality of the world gets to be too much for Jana Ogletree, a waitress from Elgin, Idaho, she turns to — puppies. Six puppies, to be precise — romping, rolling, sleeping, yelping and playing. Ogletree doesn’t own the six furry shiba inu puppies. And she’s never touched them. Instead, the puppies are being raised by an anonymous couple in San Francisco, and Ogletree — along with some 4 million others around the world — watches them live, online via video feed on Ustream.tv three to four times a day.

“The economy is tanking. There’s going to be a new change in the administration,” says Ogletree, 42. “Everything happening in the outside world right now is just completely overwhelming. What’s a better little island in the midst of a giant sea of angst than six little puppies in San Francisco?”

Some pundits say that fuzzy puppies would cure all the world’s problems if we’d just let them.

“Send Hamas a dozen puppies and some puppy chow and I’ll bet they stop shooting Israeli’s and blowing themselves and others to bits,” said some innocent bystander, often caught hoping for the best, usually against all odds.  “It was when Bill Clinton’s dog’s got killed or died that he kept turning to interns and associates for sexual favors; if somebody had brought him a puppy he’d have calmed down.  Everyone is so serious and so fearful right now.  Take an aspirin and a puppy and chill-out people.  Or go to Ziggy’s Tax Prep and Strip Club and pretend to get your taxes done.  Find some way to relax a little. Everything is going to be okay.”

No TV Watching For These Folks

No TV Watching For These Folks

In other news, The New York Times reported last week that happy people spend a lot of time socializing, going to church and reading newspapers — but they don’t spend a lot of time watching television. The article said watching TV is what unhappy people do. 

“We looked at 8 to 10 activities that happy people engage in, and for each one, the people who did the activities more — visiting others, going to church, all those things — were more happy,” said John Robinson, a professor of sociology at the University of Maryland and the author of the study, which appeared in the journal Social Indicators Research. “TV was the one activity that showed a negative relationship. Unhappy people did it more, and happy people did it less.” No word on how much television the members of Al Qaeda and Hamas are watching, but it’s my guess that its way-way too much.

(C) 2008 InebriatedPress.com

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Hamas: We met Obama advisers

Terrorist group says campaign asked it to keep contact secret until after election

——————————————————————————–
Posted: November 11, 2008
9:39 am Eastern

By Aaron Klein
© 2008 WorldNetDaily

JERUSALEM – Hamas held a meeting in the Gaza Strip several months ago with aides to President-elect Barack Obama, but the terror group was asked to keep the contacts secret until after last week’s elections, according to a senior Hamas official.

Ahmed Yousef, Hamas’ chief political adviser in Gaza, told the leading Al-Hayat Arabic-language newspaper Hamas has maintained regular communication with Obama aides that even continued during the past week.

“We were in contact with a number of Obama’s aides through the Internet, and later met with some of them in Gaza, but they advised us not to come out with any statements, as they may have a negative effect on his election campaign and be used by Republican candidate John McCain (to attack Obama),” Yousuf told Al-Hayat.

Yousuf said Hamas’s contact with Obama’s advisers was ongoing, adding that relations were maintained after Obama’s electoral victory last Tuesday.

Yousef could not be reached by WND for immediate comment. It wasn’t clear which Obama aides Hamas is claiming to have met in Gaza. Obama’s transition team did not immediately respond to a WND e-mail and phone message requesting comment.

Obama’s senior foreign policy adviser, Denis McDonough, told the Jerusalem Post today, “This assertion is just plain false.”

Yousef gave WND a series of recent interviews in which he praised Obama as the leading candidate. Last week, he called Obama’s win a “historic victory” for the world and told WND that Hamas was sending a letter of congratulation to the president-elect.

Six months ago, Robert Malley, a Mideast expert described as an ancillary adviser to Obama, resigned amid a report in a London newspaper that he had contact with Hamas. According to some media reports, Malley is again representing Obama’s positions in meetings in Egypt and Syria, although it wasn’t immediately clear whether he was acting independently. FrontPageMagazine.com claims Malley was dispatched by Obama.

Hamas is responsible for scores of suicide bombings, rocket attacks, shootings and cross-border raids. Its official charter calls for the murder of Jews and destruction of Israel. Just today, Hamas members took responsibility for launching dozens of rockets from Gaza aimed at Jewish civilian population centers.

Last week, Yousef told WND of Obama’s win: “This is a historic day, a turning point. I think this is the very first time in history that one country’s election concerned everyone everywhere all over [the] world. Everybody is looking forward to Obama’s change, for a change in the U.S. policy, particularly in the Israeli-Palestinian equation, which is the mother of all conflicts.”

Yousef said he believes an Obama administration will be more willing to engage in dialogue with Hamas.

He said Obama’s job will be to “restore America’s dignity in the world and put an end to the wars in the region.”

Yousef took the occasion to blast the policies of President Bush, commenting he hopes “that after January the Bush administration will not be heard from again.”

“We are sick of wars and conflict,” the Hamas official said.

Yousef seemed aware his comments may generate some negative publicity for Obama, but he said he feels it important to “reach out and to express our thoughts and engage.”

“I praised him six months ago, some people tried to use that against him. But I knew he would win. Like everyone else, we expected this important victory,” he said.

Yousef was referring to an interview he gave to WND and WABC Radio in April in which he praised Obama and then found his comments had fueled a firestorm of accusations in the presidential campaign.

In April, Yousef stated he hoped Obama would become president, comparing the Illinois senator to President John F. Kennedy.

“We like Mr. Obama, and we hope that he will win the election,” Yousef told WND at the time.

“I hope Mr. Obama and the Democrats will change the political discourse. … I do believe [Obama] is like John Kennedy, a great man with a great principle. And he has a vision to change America to make it in a position to lead the world community, but not with humiliation and arrogance,” Yousef said.

Sen. John McCain repeatedly used Yousef’s remarks to criticize Obama’s judgment foreign policy.

wnd.com

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