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New Iranian Missile Targets Israel; Woman sells Companionship – the Sex is Free; and New Economic Rules in Gas Supply-Demand

> Iran tests new Missile: Israel, southeast Europe in Range
> Woman Arrested after offering Free Sex, but charging for Companionship
> More supply, lower demand Raises gas Prices

Inebriated Press
May 22, 2009

This is only a test. If this had been an actual nuclear device, maps containing Israel would be obsolete.

This is only a test. If this had been an actual nuclear device, maps containing Israel would be obsolete.

The Associated Press reported Wednesday that Iran test-fired a new missile with a range of 1,200 miles, able to strike Israel, southeastern Europe and U.S. bases in the Middle East.  And Florida’s Orlando Sentinel reported Tuesday that a woman was arrested for prostitution despite arguing that she doesn’t sell sex, she sells companionship, and gives the sex away for free.  Meanwhile, WXIA Atlanta reported that there are new rules in the gasoline world, where up is down and down is up. Despite higher gas supplies and reduced demand, gas prices are higher — the converse of economic theory.  Some pundits say that in today’s new America, companionship with women and gas stations will cost you, but the sex and gas are free. 

Someone named Yvonne

Someone named Yvonne

“Thanks to smart-thinking voters, we now have a U.S. president who is giving all American’s free gas and sex, as his hope-and-change plan kicks-in, pats our ass, takes our wallets, and then slathers us with Democrat good will.  It’s all cost-free because higher taxes and a bigger national debt are concepts we don’t understand — but free sex and gas we can grasp, and that’s what really matters,” said Yvonne Marble-Ryye, an ambidextrous gas pipe fitter and part-time sex worker, sometimes doing both simultaneously.  “And Iranian missiles soon to be armed with nukes aren’t anything to be bothered by.  So what if Iranian President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad has said Israel should be wiped off the face of the earth, it’s not like he’s come right out and said he plans to do it.  Iran’s funding of Hamas and terrorists in Iraq are just his way of encouraging balanced behavior in the region.  People need to relax and enjoy the free gas and sex and just chill out.  Want some companionship?  I don’t charge alot — and if you play your cards right, you might get something for free.”

Someone named Anna

Someone named Anna

Not everyone is as comfortable with Iranian nuclear-armed missiles and the illusion of free gas and sex.  “I like gas and sex and maybe an occasional nuke launched in the right direction, but all these things cost someone something, and not everyone will deliver them equitably.  I’m kind of big on fairness and I’ve been around long enough to know that anything that sounds too good to be true, probably is,” said Anna Belle-Lee, a patron of the arts and long-suffering conservative, caught-up in the spell of lucid thinking and a captive to common sense.  “It’s not that I think I’ve got everything figured out, or claim to be some sort of genius.  It’s just that at base, hookers sell sex, and gas companies will manipulate the market if they can in order to increase profits, and Ahmadinejad wants Israel destroyed and will do it himself if possible.  It’s human nature to try and get what you want and bluff your way to get it if that’s what works.  Hitler did it, so did Stalin.  Obama’s doing it, so is every hooker who walks the earth — or lays on it for that matter.  Now tell me some lie that I’ll buy, and let’s trip the light fantastic just for the sake of a dream and momentary fun.  I’m stodgy but I still like a good time now and then.”

"I have a dream ..."

"I have a dream ..."

Associated Press reported that President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad said Iran test-fired a new advanced missile Wednesday with a range of about 1,200 miles, far enough to strike Israel, southeastern Europe and U.S. bases in the Middle East. The announcement will not reassure the U.S. government, coming just two days after President Barack Obama declared a readiness to seek deeper international sanctions against Iran if it shunned U.S. attempts to open negotiations on its nuclear program. Obama said he expected a positive response to his outreach for opening a dialogue with Iran by the end of the year. Ahmadinejad is running for re-election in a June 12 vote and has been criticized by his opponents and others for antagonizing the U.S. and mismanaging the country’s faltering economy. Most Western analysts believe Iran does not yet have the technology to produce nuclear weapons. Iran’s nuclear and missile programs have alarmed Israel, and the country’s new prime minister, Benjamin Netanyahu, pressed Obama to step up pressure on Tehran when the two met in Washington on Monday. Ahmadinejad has repeatedly called for Israel’s elimination, and the Jewish state has not ruled out a military strike to deal with the Iranian nuclear threat.

Hot deals on companionship

Hot deals on companionship

The Orlando Sentinel reported that a suspected prostitute shared her unusual work rationale with an undercover Leesburg police officer just before she was arrested for the second time within 24 hours late last week. “I don’t take money for sex,” Ashley M. Hollin, 26, of Leesburg, told the officer. “I take money for company and the sex is free.” Hollin’s comments came late Friday just before she was about to be arrested for the second time that day. According to a police report, Hollin told the officer she had learned something from her earlier arrest — accept cash for companionship, not sex. “See, I learned from making the mistake last night with the police — if I do it this way they can’t get me for it,” Hollin said, according to a police report. She was wrong. Leesburg police arrested Hollin and several other women on prostitution-related charges following complaints about prostitution near the Deluxe Motel at 113 N. 14th St.

New gas-price supply-demand chart

New gas-price supply-demand chart

WXIA Atlanta reported that we need to get used to the new rules of supply and demand in Gasoline World. The world where up is down and down is up. Average gasoline prices in Georgia are up 29 cents a gallon, so far, since May 1. But supplies are up, nationwide. And demand is down, overall. “We’re going to see higher gasoline prices as the summer goes through,” said Oil Industry Expert Tex Pitfield on Tuesday. Pitfield is most recently President and CEO of Saraguay Petroleum Corporation of Atlanta and is a consultant. Pitfield said refineries are charging retail gas stations more for wholesale gasoline because “the refineries aren’t making money. They’re not making money right now. We’re awash in supply, in fuel. And demand for fuel is probably off 20 percent to 25 percent across the board, worldwide, if not more.” Under “normal” laws of supply and demand, when demand is lower, prices should be lower. “Prices should be lower,” Pitfield said. “Prices will continue to go higher.”

Hookers, companions or gas company rep's?

Hookers, companions or gas company rep's?

On Tuesday, the federal government announced a program to require higher mileage cars by 2016. President Obama acknowledged that those cars would cost consumers more, possibly $1,300 more. “It costs money to build these vehicles,” he said, but he also said he anticipates “the cost of driving these vehicles will go down as drivers save money at the pump.”

“It’s going to cost us more,” predicted a motorist, Cheryl Barre, as she filled up her car at a gas station in Cobb County Tuesday evening. “The gas is going to cost more. It’s already high and going higher. There has to be better alternatives than what we’re looking at right now — one more burden for the taxpayer to take on.” Tex Pitfield agreed. 11Alive: “If we’ll be using less gasoline because we’ll all be driving higher-mileage cars, are the refineries going to kick up the prices because we’re using less?” Pitfield: “Oh, absolutely. I mean, that’s basic economics.” The NEW basic economics of supply and demand.

Insomnia, traditional economist or both?

Insomnia, traditional economist or both?

In other news, Florida’s St. Petersburg Times reported that a new report released Tuesday in the Journal of the American Medical Association says that insomnia is best treated by a combination of drugs and extended therapy to change bedtime behaviors.  No word on whether a drug-therapy combo will be necessary to help Americans get comfortable with the new inverse gas-price-economics or help Israeli’s get comfortable with a nuclear Iran, but if we can get a little cheap companionship and free sex, maybe things will seem pretty good and we’ll all sleep like logs – or a reasonable facsimile thereof.

(C) 2009 InebriatedPress.com

Source articles:

Iran says it tests missile, Israel within range

Woman arrested after offering free sex — but a charge for companionship

The New Rules: Gas Demand Declines, Prices Jump

 Pills-therapy combination work best at treating insomnia, study says

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Top 10 badass movie gals

The Dude \ Den of Geek


It’s when you’re not expecting to have your arse kicked that it hurts the most…

Published on May 7, 2009

10: Selene – Underworld

Selene is a vampire who defies her superiors, kills some werewolves…kills some more werewolves, then chops through the head of what is supposed to be the most powerful vampire, and does it all wearing what some might argue to be the best leather outfit ever. Selene is sexy and  bad-ass. What makes Selene so sexy and bad-ass? Well firstly, she is a vampire so that’s some major points right there. Also, she really knows how to use a gun, and I like that in a woman. Thirdly, she drives a wicked awesome car sooooo… Well, enough said.

9: Mulan – Mulan

I understand it may be a little iffy to include a Disney cartoon character on this list when there are other possible contenders but if we look at my favorite 2D bad-ass from the right angles there is some hard evidence as to how bas-ass she actually is. As a matter of fact, if this was a live action flick, Mulan would probably be higher, but it isn’t. Anyways, lets see…Mulan started off kinda easy, I mean she just stole her dad’s armor and ran off to fight a war and decided to call herself Ping. But then she dropped a MOUNTAIN ON THE HUNS. Then Mulan fell off a cliff and survived. And then, to top it all off, she defeated the most notorious villain in the East with his own sword and uhhh, saved all of China. And she did it all wearing a dress. Mulan, if my sons or daughters would turn out anything like you, I would gladly let you be the mother of my children.

8: Eowyn – LOTR Return of the King

Eowyn, not only are you a woman, but you are a bad-ass woman. You just bring so much to the table when you kill a Wraith King. You bring a woman with poise, grace, elegance, but most of all, you bring style. Little flick of the hair, little flash of the sword and Sauron’s main man is no more. You might even be higher on this list but, unfortunately for you, the rest of the time you spend on screen is fairly retarded and unenjoyable and we find ourselves wishing something else was happening. Luckily you have that one redeeming moment that earns you the title of bad-ass chick number seven. I’ll give you a call next time there is a Wraith King around that needs killing.

7: Abernathy, Kim, Lee, Zoë – Death Proof

I know this is more than one girl, but you can’t possibly classify them except as a group. I’d just like to mention that these girls would also make the list of girls who know how to Rock’N’Roll. I have never personally played a game of ship’s mast (the game where a girl uses belts to keep herself on the hood of a very fast-moving vehicle) but I am positive I wouldn’t do as well as Zoë does. I also don’t think I could handle getting thrown off the hood of that car by Stuntman Mike and then just jump right back into action. Oh, also I’m not a hot chick that carries a gun to shoot said Stuntman. Poor Stuntman Mike, he just wanted some fun. What did he get for his playfulness? Well, they shot him, destroyed his car, and then beat him to death with their bare hands! If there is one thing I have learned from this list its a greater respect for the average woman. Poor Stuntman Mike, he had to deal with multiple bad-ass chicks at the same time. Poor Stuntman Mike.

6: Cherry Darling – Planet Terror

Lets look at the facts. Cherry is a, uhhh, Exotic Dancer, and she uhh, well she loses her leg to a zombie. Cherry takes part in a sizzly, steamy, and sexy but short-lived scene with only one leg and plays pirate for most of the movie. But as much as I loved her peg leg I gotta say I enjoyed its replacement all the more. This is where her being bad-ass comes into play. Wait, have you ever seen Planet Terror? Well if you haven’t, go and rent it right now. Because in this movie, there is a girl who somehow attaches a large gun to her leg, and with this gun/leg she kills many-a-man. Its fairly bad-ass actually. She is riding backwards on a motorcycle so as to annihilate any would-be threats from behind and she is then thrown over a large wall and with her gun-leg she kills some more people. Its all very fantastically bad-ass.

5: Alice – Resident Evil

Genetically altered bad-asses aren’t your everyday bad-asses. They’re the ones you pit against large quantities of zombie creatures and expect to win, and Alice does not disappoint. She is extraordinarily pretty and manages to pull off packing more weapons than the Taliban with proficiency and skillfully-honed talent. Let’s discuss one scene in particular shall we? Okay here’s the scenario: bunch of helpless people inside a church are about to get eaten by some dog… thing. Well, the church has a large stained glass window which makes a perfect entrance for any bad-ass chick looking for a good entrance. So, naturally, Alice makes her entrance through the ornately painted window… on a motorcycle. Need I say more? Well, Alice then proceeds to kill the dog things with what appears to be ease and that’s all she wrote. All in a days work for this bad-ass.

4: Miho – Sin City

“Deadly little Miho, you won’t feel a thing if she doesn’t want you to.” These words are spoken respectfully of our number four bad-ass. First of all, Miho is Asian, which adds to her amount of bad-ass immensely. She pulls off the whole Asian assassin thing quite nicely. With Miho, its like this: I’m just not going to get involved with her. If I hear she is coming to town, I am going to leave. If I hear she is coming to dinner, I am going to leave. If I hear she is out to kill me, I am going to die. Although, on second thought, I’m fairly sure I wont hear about it if she is out to kill me. Remember when Miho kills all those guys in the Limo after leaping dramatically from the rooftops? More specifically however, remember when she kills the cop? What does he say about it? Oh yeah, “She doesn’t quite chop his head off, she makes a Pez dispenser out of him.”

3: Ellen Ripley – Alien

Ms. Ripley is one bad-ass chick. How many times does she have to look some crazy Alien Motherfucker in the face and kick its ass? Doesn’t Ellen die in one of the movies? And then doesn’t she come back to life? That’s something only one other gal on this list accomplishes throughout her time on the big screen. We can look at a number of different things that make Ellen Ripley deserving of this spot. Number 1: Ellen climbs into a big robot and decides it is time to bring the fight to the Alien instead of just running and hiding from it, and she kicks its ass. Number 2: Ellen fights an entire army of Aliens, and she opens up a can of whoop ass on them. Then doesn’t she use the Alien’s own acid to burn a hole in the glass and the Alien is sucked into space by a vortex through a hole about the size of a DVD? If all of those things combined don’t make her a bad-ass, I have no idea what does.

2: Beatrix Kiddo – Kill Bill Volumes 1 & 2

As I sat watching the credits roll after Kill Bill: Volume One, I turned to my buddy and said “Boy am I glad I’m not Bill.” I understand that the Crazy 88’s weren’t exactly 88 people, but, ARE YOU SERIOUS? And that crazy little girl with the ball and chain? I would’ve walked out right then and there, screw Bill. He isn’t worth it. But I guess its different when your nickname is Black Mamba and you belong to a secret organization of expert assassins. So then I see number two and things get even crazier. Beatrix amazes me every moment with the way she goes about her business. But most of all I like how she gets shot with a shotgun full of rock salt and gets buried alive. Moreso than that I like how she punches her way out of her coffin and climbs to the surface so as to continue her quest to kill Bill. Before she gets around to killing Bill she partakes in a pretty bad-ass chick fight and we all know how that ends. Elle is left confined in a trailer with the other kind of Black Mamba. The reptile kind. Oh, did I forget to mention that Elle is left in what is quite literally a blind rage? Of course Beatrix isn’t done yet. She still has to take care of Bill. After a bit of shenanigans on Bill’s part, our hero, Beatrix Kiddo, unleashes the ultimate weapon on her ultimate enemy: the ‘five-point-palm-exploding-heart’ technique. Needless to say, she kills Bill. Also, before all of this, she got shot in the head. Could she have been more bad-ass if she had tried? We will never know.

1: Sarah Connor – Terminator 2: Judgment Day

Simply put Sarah Connor is just a crazy bad-ass chick. Locked up in an insane asylum for who knows how long, she manages to beat the crap out of a bunch of dudes and take the doctor hostage. Sarah Connor is the kind of girl that knows what she is doing and what she is doing is kicking some ass. Running into strangers houses and shooting them and shooting at Terminators as they chase her down the street. Training her body and mind to repel the ever imminent machine take over and just all around looking like a bad-ass. She has a mission… survival. But really the thing that puts her at number one on this list actually takes place after she dies. Sarah Connor left the world a little present: A coffin full of weapons. Okay, that is BAD-ASS. Who the hell leaves a coffin full of weapons so that people can use them against the machines? Sarah Connor does. And that is why she is just so damn bad-ass. Thanks for the weapons Sarah.


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