Tag Archives: human rights

US Citizenship as Birthright may End, Red Bull contains Cocaine now, and Murderer Serving Life in Prison gets Knocked Up, gives Birth

> Georgia lawmaker wants to end ‘birthright citizenship’
> Red Bull banned in Germany for containing Cocaine
> Convicted murderer out on ‘day release’ gets knocked up at hotel, gives birth to daughter

Inebriated Press
May 29, 2009

CocaineThe Associated Press reported Monday that U.S. Representative Nathan Deal (R-Georgia) has proposed changing the long-standing federal policy that automatically grants citizenship to any baby born on U.S. soil, a move opposed by immigrant rights advocates.  And, The Sun reported Tuesday that Germany has pulled Red Bull “energy drink” off all store shelves after routine food safety tests found that it contains cocaine, a Class A drug.  Meanwhile, the Manchester Evening News reported that Lisa Healey, a convicted murderer serving life in prison, gave birth to a baby girl after getting pregnant at a hotel while on day release.  Inebriated reporters all drugged up on Red Bull are supporting new regulations that allow anyone born on earth to be named a U.S. citizen if they want it, and receive national healthcare, just like murderers who get knocked up while taking time off from serving life in prison.

Someone named Elena

Someone named Elena

“Terrorists have the same rights as U.S. citizens and death row killers get free health care, so it only makes sense that we simply hand out U.S. citizenship to anyone who asks for it, and we give free health care to everyone who’s not in prison — it’s about fairness and equity to everyone who wants something,” said Elena Von Questionmarc, a part-time Inebriated reporter and part-time sober stripper, sometimes all on the same day.  “President Obama says terrorists rights should be respected, and North Korean dictators placated, and Iranian nuke-heads befriended, and all god’s children should have free healthcare provided by idiots who work for a living.  I can’t argue with that. Why would I?  I may stop working myself for no particular reason and I’ll still want to be taken care of — receive government welfare and healthcare.  It’s really my right as an American.  There will always be some morons who will want to work.  Let’s tax the hell out of them, it’ll serve them right for thinking that just because they work hard that they’re somehow better than other people who don’t.  Quick, give me another hit of Red Bull before I quit quivering and start feeling depressed.”

Someone named Desiree

Someone named Desiree

Not everyone agrees with Von Questionmarc.  “Examples of foolishness abound in America today, but the proposal that babies born on U.S. soil shouldn’t get automatic citizenship unless at least one of their parents is already a U.S. citizen, isn’t one of them.  It makes good sense.  Why should being born on a patch of dirt grant you special privileges if your parents are on that dirt illegally?  It shouldn’t.  And national healthcare is a disaster wherever it’s been tried.  Why do American socialists think they’re smarter than UK or Canadian ones?  The whole idea is just plain silly,” said Desiree Disirable-Thinkr, a market analyst at the Lusty Virgin Healthcare Clinic and Battery Sales Warehouse.  “As far as killer inmates getting knocked up on their day off goes, I think that’s a good example of abject stupidity on the part of the government.  Killers will do whatever they want; I think that’s pretty apparent.  Government shouldn’t allow them to perpetuate their kind, let alone be allowed in situations where it’s even possible.  But at least Red Bull has cocaine in it.  Finally I’ve been getting my money’s worth out of some damn thing.”

We're all Americans ... when we feel like it ...

We're all Americans ... when we feel like it ...

The Associated Press reported that U.S. Rep. Nathan Deal, a Republican candidate for governor of Georgia, has proposed changing the long-standing federal policy that automatically grants citizenship to any baby born on U.S. soil, a move opposed by immigrant rights advocates. Supporters of Deal’s proposal say “birthright citizenship” encourages illegal immigration and makes enforcement of immigration laws more difficult. Opponents say the proposed law wouldn’t solve the illegal immigration problem and goes against this country’s traditions of welcoming immigrants. Deal and his supporters say the 14th Amendment wording was never meant to automatically give citizenship to babies born to illegal immigrants. Under Deal’s proposal, babies born in the U.S. would automatically have citizenship only if at least one of their parents is a U.S. citizen or national, a legal permanent resident of the U.S., or actively serving in the U.S. military. Supporters of the bill say automatic citizenship provides an incentive for women to risk coming to the country illegally. They call U.S.-born children of illegal immigrants “anchor babies” because, when they become adults, the children can sponsor their parents for legal permanent residency. Deal, who has submitted his bill to the House Judiciary Committee, said he’s not optimistic about it becoming law this year unless it is tacked onto another bill.

Hey there, want to score some really good shit?

Hey there, want to score some really good shit?

UK’s The Sun reported that Red Bull Cola has been taken off the shelves in Germany after inspectors found traces of cocaine. Coca leaf extracts in the drink tested positive for the Class A drug in routine food safety tests. Officials said the cocaine levels were not a health risk — but the drug was banned in food. Red Bull insisted coca leaf was a safe flavoring and the drink should go back on sale. 

Knocked up during lock up

Knocked up during lock up

The Manchester Evening News reported that convicted murderer Lisa Healey, 26, serving life in prison, became pregnant at a hotel while on day release. Now she has given birth to a baby girl and both are understood to be back behind bars at the mum and baby unit at Askham Grange prison in York. The father is Michael Dent who was serving time for drugs offences. Dent, who was at Moorlands open prison in Doncaster, met Healey when he went to Askham as a ‘prison representative’ at a forum about re-offending with civil servants, business leaders and charities. Healey was providing the catering along with other inmates. Healey was convicted of murder and sentenced to life in prison for torturing and killing Lily Lilly, a 71 year-old woman from Failsworth. Healey, who has served ten years of her life sentence, was allowed out on day-release from last year because she was deemed to be ‘of low risk to the general public’. Dent was released in September and Healey is due to be released next month although she will remain ‘on license’ for the rest of her life. It means she can be recalled to prison at any time if she misbehaves.

Some people say that since life-in-prison actually means about 10 years, that the term misbehavior means killing not more than two or three people.

Rules are flexible.  Death tends to be less so.

Rules are flexible. Death tends to be less so.

“Ten years in the jug with barely enough freedom to develop a relationship, have sex, get knocked up and have a kid, is like a life time, so you have to cut the girl some slack and let her kill another person without locking her back up; I mean she should get some credit for the time she’s put in,” said someone claiming to be Sonia Sotomayor, Obama’s recent nominee to the U.S. Supreme Court.  “The U.S. Constitution is a flexible document and should be a kind of guide but shouldn’t be taken literally.  Judges need to create law as they see fit and take into account whether the situation involves thoughtful minorities and young girls who kill during innocent fun, or just asshole middle aged white guys doing business, or some idiots who think they deserve some Constitutional rights just because some old white guys in Philly thought they should have free speech and shit like that, back in the day. I’ve had a lot of my rulings overturned because they weren’t Constitutional, but now I get to define the Constitution as I see fit.  Payback time boys.  Now I get mine and by god, you’re going to get yours — they way I dish it out.  Yee ha!  And I say that with all humility.”

Girls just want to have fun

Girls just want to have fun

In other news, the Evening Sun Reported Tuesday that two girls kicked off a plane amid claims they tried to open a door at 50,000 feet have been arrested. Leanne Connor and pal Lynette York caused a national storm last summer after allegations of drunken antics on a flight from Kos to Manchester. The Salford pair were escorted off the jet after their actions forced the pilot to make an emergency landing in Frankfurt. They were arrested by German officials but later allowed to return home. Fellow passengers claimed they swigged from a bottle of vodka they took on the flight with them, abused staff and threatened to open the door. No word on what kind of penalty the girls may face, but if murder costs ten years and the freedom to get knocked up, a little vodka inspired terrorism on an airplane shouldn’t cost more than a few days in the jug and maybe confiscation of some vibrator batteries.

(C) 2009 InebriatedPress.com

Source articles:

Georgia lawmaker wants to end ‘birthright citizenship’

Red Bull drug ban in Germany

Killer pregnant on day release

Girls arrested over ‘air rage’

Note on Day Release from Merriam-Webster Dictionary:
day re•lease
British : a program in hospitals, prisons, and jails in which patients or prisoners are permitted to spend part of the day outside their institution of confinement studying, training, or working

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Q & A with Bob & Joan: Can Something Be Done About the National Debt and Does Anyone Really Care?

The “Bob and Joan Chronicles” of Inebriated Press
May 27, 2009
Some of you conservatives are whining about Obama’s trillions in new spending and the massive deficit being created, as though it should actually matter to Americans.  Well no one cares about the deficit or the risk of hyper inflation, and even if you say you do, it doesn’t matter because you’re irrelevant. There’s nothing that an individual can do.  It’s a practical impossibility.
You should just shut up and enjoy the ride like everyone else.  What do you think you’re accomplishing by telling other people you care about it?  You’re wasting your time you dumb ass.
Hugs and kisses,
My Dearest Joan,
Your warm and thoughtful words regarding my time management and the concern I have about America’s debt and the risk of future economic collapse, touches me deeply, and your statement telling me to shut-up because I’m irrelevant, is both kind and loving encouragement.  How I long to set aside petty questions and gently caress your back, neck and shoulders, easing your present tensions, and then softly kiss the bridge of your nose as only I can.  But alas, such is not my mandate.  I must address your misunderstanding about the level of concern among Americans, and most importantly, the power of the individual.
Most Americans are worried about the national debt and many are concerned that President Obama is fiscally irresponsible.  In a recent Washington Post/ABC News poll, nearly nine in ten Americans (87 percent) said they were either “very” (59 percent) or “somewhat” (27 percent) concerned about the size of the federal budget deficit.  While many Americans like President Obama personally, they don’t like many of his policies and are worried about his spending and the risky national debt.  Whether elected officials will respond to these concerns or be voted out of office remains to be seen, but more and more citizens are telling them exactly how they feel, and have even begun public protesting – as displayed on April 15th in “tax day rally’s” against the “tax and spending” of both major Parties.  Public pressure will continue to grow as we near the elections in the fall of 2010.  The liberal Democrats controlling Congress and the White House are proving they are who the conservatives said they were.  And American voters are paying attention and have begun reacting against them.  All is not lost on the fiscal front.  Momentum is changing.

Now, about your belief that the individual is irrelevant and that effort by one person — such as myself — to make change is a practical impossibility.  The United States of America was founded on the inalienable rights of the individual.  Rights that the nation’s founders believed were endowed upon individuals by their Creator, and among those rights were the right to life, liberty and the pursuit of happiness.  Initially those words and others in the U.S Constitution and Bill of Rights were conceptual constructs.  Until individuals — farmers, millers, merchants and others – irrelevant people mostly, took up arms and made theory a reality.  Many believed it was impossible for irrelevant rabble to defeat the British Empire, yet the fools did it.  And it was a pipe dream as well as a practical impossibility that any nation would actually try to put men on the moon, yet silly irrelevant Americans – many of them toiling in obscurity – accomplished the mission, and placed a number of their own citizens there.   During World War II, individuals from all around America rolled into Paris freeing it from the Nazi’s.  Individual men and women crossed America, carving out life and civilization in the fields, plains and mountains — building cities, towns, states.  They fought disease, floods, drought, and countless challenges.  They built a new nation – based on the rights of the individual.  And what of the individual and American invention?  How about Alexander Graham Bell, Thomas Edison, Benjamin Franklin, Samuel Morse, George Washington Carver, the Wright Brothers, Bill Gates, and others.  Much more could be written about what common irrelevant Americans have accomplished. 

The irrelevant founded America.  They are its life-blood.  The individual is the heart of America’s constitution.  Protecting those rights and freedoms is important to us.  The impossible is what America is as a nation.  And the impossible has been accomplished from time to time by Americans, often to the surprise and disbelief of other nations.  The freedom, power and rights of the individual are why many Americans are Americans.  The fatalistic belief that the individual is irrelevant is why some American’s gave up being Europeans and left for the ‘New World’.  I and other American’s aren’t inclined to become Europeans today – even though there are some of us who want to become Western European Socialists.  The American electorate has lost its way before and found its way back.  We elected Jimmy Carter and then Ronald Reagan.  We can do it again.

And so, my fine and gentle Joan, I’m here to tell you that the battle for traditional “common sense” America is not over.  “Irrelevant individuals” still believe that they can make a difference — as they have for generations.  And as long as traditional Americans continue to believe that by their actions they will have an impact, they will in fact have an impact.  The 87% who said they were concerned about the national debt, can change the direction of this country.  Those individuals are not really irrelevant.  I am among them.

I hope this finds you cool where you want to be and warm where you need to be.

With the sweetest of wishes and most tender feelings toward you oozing from my core like moisture on my muscular pec’s in the heat of a summer night, I remain most affectionately yours,


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