Tag Archives: Humor

Virgin may Buy Playboy, Jeans Cause Tingling Thighs, and India Killed all the Dinosaurs

> Playboy loses millions, Virgin reportedly buyer
> Skinny jeans causing “tingling thighs syndrome”
> India’s volcanoes made Dinosaurs extinct

Inebriated Press
May 28, 2009

PEOPLE ALBAThe UK Daily Mail reported Sunday that Playboy has lost millions of dollars and Hugh Hefner is reported to be selling the company for nearly £200million, with Virgin tipped as a potential buyer. And, MyFox National reported Tuesday that “tingling thigh syndrome,” or meralgia paresthetica, which usually affects obese people or manual laborers, is cropping up in younger people — because they’re wearing skinny jeans.  Meanwhile, the Christian Science Monitor reported Saturday that the dinosaurs didn’t become extinct until 300,000 years after an asteroid slammed into Mexico, so the new theory is that volcanic eruptions in India wiped them out. Pundits are debating what gives them tingles: tight jeans, Playboy or dinosaur extinction theories.

Someone named Mandy

Someone named Mandy

“I admit enjoying dinosaur theories, and the tingling and numbness in my thighs from my skinny jeans were kind of interesting, but a guy I met after I did a Playboy spread actually gave me the best tingles overall,” said Mandy Maebee-Mitebee, a model and part-time Internet sensation best known for her rice pudding recipes. “I don’t know if Virgin will buy Playboy or whether everyone will give up skinny jeans because they’re losing feeling in their legs, but lay out whatever theory you want, the dinosaurs are all gone.  And if the Republicans don’t get their shit together they’ll be extinct too and so will traditional America. I might be loose with my morals and tight with my jeans, but I’m fiscally conservative and have had enough of Obama after his 100 days.  We’ve got to stop these trillion dollar spending programs and fast.”

Someone named Lucy

Someone named Lucy

Not everyone agrees with Maebee-Mitebee.  “I wear the jeans I want and no one needs to tell me if I’m comfortable.  The dinosaurs are gone, okay, whatever.  Virgin running Playboy?  Isn’t that counterintuitive, or something … I mean virgins, really,” asked Lucy Laiz-Nowon, a particle physicist and postal recipient who likes catalogues.  “Obama has things in hand and all we have to do is our jobs, let him and the Dem’s run things and watch the world go happily around.  Finally someone who looks nice, sounds nice, and runs the country as though he knows what he’s doing.  Maybe he does, maybe not, but I like him and that’s all that matters.  My IQ may be 200 but that doesn’t mean I’m anal.  There are some things I just don’t give a shit about and government is one of them.  Why bother?”

Hugh Hefner and friends

Hugh Hefner and friends

The Daily Mail reported that Hugh Hefner could soon be parting ways with the soft-porn empire he founded more than 56 years ago. The 83-year-old is reported to be selling the company for nearly £200million, with Virgin tipped as a potential buyer. Although the magazine was read by a quarter of all university students in its heyday in the 1970s, its circulation has taken a battering from the availability of free pornography on the internet. Earlier this month, Playboy announced it had made losses of £8.6million for the first three months of this year, compared to a £2.6million loss for the corresponding period in 2008. The company is said to have been furiously cutting costs and has reportedly sacked 25 per cent of its staff. Virgin Media’s name has been raised as a potential buyer by speculators, but no official interest in the acquisition has been confirmed.

Skinny jeans

Skinny jeans

MyFox National reported it turns out that “tingling thigh syndrome,” or meralgia paresthetica, which usually affects obese people or manual laborers, is cropping up in younger people. The onslaught on skinny jeans on the market has caused some younger people to suffer from the symptoms of this condition. MSNBC.com writes that experts have seen a rise in the condition among young women. One woman describes a tingly sensation running up and down her thighs while wearing tight jeans. According to the Mayo Clinic Web site, meralgia paresthetica is a condition characterized by tingling, numbness and burning pain in the outer part of your thigh. Lucky in most cases the condition can be relieved by conservative measures, such as wearing looser clothing. Salon.com says the condition may not be affecting very many people. “Numbers are hard to come by, but I think it’s safe to say we could be talking about handfuls of young women,” writes Kate Harding.

DinosaursThe Christian Science Monitor reported that for about 30 years, people have believed that dinosaurs were rendered extinct after a six-mile-wide asteroid slammed into what’s now the Yucatan Peninsula in Mexico some sixty-five million years ago. But the April 27 issue of Journal of the Geological Society claims that mass extinctions didn’t occur until perhaps 300,000 years after the asteroid impact. Another study, reported in the journal Paleontologia Electronica, finds evidence that pockets of dinosaurs might have lived on after the asteroid strike. Princeton geoscientist Gerta Keller believes volcanic eruptions in India were responsible for extinctions. Critics — the majority of scientists in the field — remain unconvinced.

Ready for nursing, er

Ready for nursing, er

In other news, Australia’s WA Today reported Monday that an understaffed Prague clinic has signed up nurses by offering boob jobs, liposuction and tummy tucks as a bonus. Nurses, doctors and secretaries who signed with the small private clinic for three years could choose their free plastic surgery. Many Czech nurses have been tempted out of the country by higher wages offered in western European nations and the Czech health system now needs about 6,000 nurses in addition to the 90,000 it already employs, according to official data. No word on how Prague clinics feel about dinosaur extinction theory or if any of the nurses suffer from tingling thighs, but with their silicone bonuses they may be appearing soon in a new Czech Nurse Playboy spread on a Virgin cell phone near you.

(C) 2009 InebriatedPress.com

Source articles:

Playboy for sale after making a loss of millions – and Virgin is tipped as a potential buyer
http://www.dailymail.co.uk/news/worldnews/article-1187066/Playboy-sale-making-loss-millions–Virgin-tipped-potential-buyer.html

Jeans May Cause Tingling Thigh Syndrome
http://www.myfoxdc.com/dpp/news/consumers/dpgo_Tingling_Thigh_Syndrome_fc_20090526_2513909

New dinosaur-extinction theories pop the big rock
http://www.suntimes.com/news/nation/1588538,CST-NWS-dino24.article

Czech clinic lures nurses with free boob jobs, tummy tucks
http://www.watoday.com.au/world/czech-clinic-lures-nurses-with-free-boob-jobs-tummy-tucks-20090525-bkmb.html

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Intolerance of the masses

Far Side: Intollerance

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New Iranian Missile Targets Israel; Woman sells Companionship – the Sex is Free; and New Economic Rules in Gas Supply-Demand

> Iran tests new Missile: Israel, southeast Europe in Range
> Woman Arrested after offering Free Sex, but charging for Companionship
> More supply, lower demand Raises gas Prices

Inebriated Press
May 22, 2009

This is only a test. If this had been an actual nuclear device, maps containing Israel would be obsolete.

This is only a test. If this had been an actual nuclear device, maps containing Israel would be obsolete.

The Associated Press reported Wednesday that Iran test-fired a new missile with a range of 1,200 miles, able to strike Israel, southeastern Europe and U.S. bases in the Middle East.  And Florida’s Orlando Sentinel reported Tuesday that a woman was arrested for prostitution despite arguing that she doesn’t sell sex, she sells companionship, and gives the sex away for free.  Meanwhile, WXIA Atlanta reported that there are new rules in the gasoline world, where up is down and down is up. Despite higher gas supplies and reduced demand, gas prices are higher — the converse of economic theory.  Some pundits say that in today’s new America, companionship with women and gas stations will cost you, but the sex and gas are free. 

Someone named Yvonne

Someone named Yvonne

“Thanks to smart-thinking voters, we now have a U.S. president who is giving all American’s free gas and sex, as his hope-and-change plan kicks-in, pats our ass, takes our wallets, and then slathers us with Democrat good will.  It’s all cost-free because higher taxes and a bigger national debt are concepts we don’t understand — but free sex and gas we can grasp, and that’s what really matters,” said Yvonne Marble-Ryye, an ambidextrous gas pipe fitter and part-time sex worker, sometimes doing both simultaneously.  “And Iranian missiles soon to be armed with nukes aren’t anything to be bothered by.  So what if Iranian President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad has said Israel should be wiped off the face of the earth, it’s not like he’s come right out and said he plans to do it.  Iran’s funding of Hamas and terrorists in Iraq are just his way of encouraging balanced behavior in the region.  People need to relax and enjoy the free gas and sex and just chill out.  Want some companionship?  I don’t charge alot — and if you play your cards right, you might get something for free.”

Someone named Anna

Someone named Anna

Not everyone is as comfortable with Iranian nuclear-armed missiles and the illusion of free gas and sex.  “I like gas and sex and maybe an occasional nuke launched in the right direction, but all these things cost someone something, and not everyone will deliver them equitably.  I’m kind of big on fairness and I’ve been around long enough to know that anything that sounds too good to be true, probably is,” said Anna Belle-Lee, a patron of the arts and long-suffering conservative, caught-up in the spell of lucid thinking and a captive to common sense.  “It’s not that I think I’ve got everything figured out, or claim to be some sort of genius.  It’s just that at base, hookers sell sex, and gas companies will manipulate the market if they can in order to increase profits, and Ahmadinejad wants Israel destroyed and will do it himself if possible.  It’s human nature to try and get what you want and bluff your way to get it if that’s what works.  Hitler did it, so did Stalin.  Obama’s doing it, so is every hooker who walks the earth — or lays on it for that matter.  Now tell me some lie that I’ll buy, and let’s trip the light fantastic just for the sake of a dream and momentary fun.  I’m stodgy but I still like a good time now and then.”

"I have a dream ..."

"I have a dream ..."

Associated Press reported that President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad said Iran test-fired a new advanced missile Wednesday with a range of about 1,200 miles, far enough to strike Israel, southeastern Europe and U.S. bases in the Middle East. The announcement will not reassure the U.S. government, coming just two days after President Barack Obama declared a readiness to seek deeper international sanctions against Iran if it shunned U.S. attempts to open negotiations on its nuclear program. Obama said he expected a positive response to his outreach for opening a dialogue with Iran by the end of the year. Ahmadinejad is running for re-election in a June 12 vote and has been criticized by his opponents and others for antagonizing the U.S. and mismanaging the country’s faltering economy. Most Western analysts believe Iran does not yet have the technology to produce nuclear weapons. Iran’s nuclear and missile programs have alarmed Israel, and the country’s new prime minister, Benjamin Netanyahu, pressed Obama to step up pressure on Tehran when the two met in Washington on Monday. Ahmadinejad has repeatedly called for Israel’s elimination, and the Jewish state has not ruled out a military strike to deal with the Iranian nuclear threat.

Hot deals on companionship

Hot deals on companionship

The Orlando Sentinel reported that a suspected prostitute shared her unusual work rationale with an undercover Leesburg police officer just before she was arrested for the second time within 24 hours late last week. “I don’t take money for sex,” Ashley M. Hollin, 26, of Leesburg, told the officer. “I take money for company and the sex is free.” Hollin’s comments came late Friday just before she was about to be arrested for the second time that day. According to a police report, Hollin told the officer she had learned something from her earlier arrest — accept cash for companionship, not sex. “See, I learned from making the mistake last night with the police — if I do it this way they can’t get me for it,” Hollin said, according to a police report. She was wrong. Leesburg police arrested Hollin and several other women on prostitution-related charges following complaints about prostitution near the Deluxe Motel at 113 N. 14th St.

New gas-price supply-demand chart

New gas-price supply-demand chart

WXIA Atlanta reported that we need to get used to the new rules of supply and demand in Gasoline World. The world where up is down and down is up. Average gasoline prices in Georgia are up 29 cents a gallon, so far, since May 1. But supplies are up, nationwide. And demand is down, overall. “We’re going to see higher gasoline prices as the summer goes through,” said Oil Industry Expert Tex Pitfield on Tuesday. Pitfield is most recently President and CEO of Saraguay Petroleum Corporation of Atlanta and is a consultant. Pitfield said refineries are charging retail gas stations more for wholesale gasoline because “the refineries aren’t making money. They’re not making money right now. We’re awash in supply, in fuel. And demand for fuel is probably off 20 percent to 25 percent across the board, worldwide, if not more.” Under “normal” laws of supply and demand, when demand is lower, prices should be lower. “Prices should be lower,” Pitfield said. “Prices will continue to go higher.”

Hookers, companions or gas company rep's?

Hookers, companions or gas company rep's?

On Tuesday, the federal government announced a program to require higher mileage cars by 2016. President Obama acknowledged that those cars would cost consumers more, possibly $1,300 more. “It costs money to build these vehicles,” he said, but he also said he anticipates “the cost of driving these vehicles will go down as drivers save money at the pump.”

“It’s going to cost us more,” predicted a motorist, Cheryl Barre, as she filled up her car at a gas station in Cobb County Tuesday evening. “The gas is going to cost more. It’s already high and going higher. There has to be better alternatives than what we’re looking at right now — one more burden for the taxpayer to take on.” Tex Pitfield agreed. 11Alive: “If we’ll be using less gasoline because we’ll all be driving higher-mileage cars, are the refineries going to kick up the prices because we’re using less?” Pitfield: “Oh, absolutely. I mean, that’s basic economics.” The NEW basic economics of supply and demand.

Insomnia, traditional economist or both?

Insomnia, traditional economist or both?

In other news, Florida’s St. Petersburg Times reported that a new report released Tuesday in the Journal of the American Medical Association says that insomnia is best treated by a combination of drugs and extended therapy to change bedtime behaviors.  No word on whether a drug-therapy combo will be necessary to help Americans get comfortable with the new inverse gas-price-economics or help Israeli’s get comfortable with a nuclear Iran, but if we can get a little cheap companionship and free sex, maybe things will seem pretty good and we’ll all sleep like logs – or a reasonable facsimile thereof.

(C) 2009 InebriatedPress.com

Source articles:

Iran says it tests missile, Israel within range
http://news.yahoo.com/s/ap/20090520/ap_on_re_mi_ea/ml_iran_missile_test_8

Woman arrested after offering free sex — but a charge for companionship
http://www.orlandosentinel.com/news/local/breakingnews/orl-bk-leesburg-prostitution-051909,0,3190779.story

The New Rules: Gas Demand Declines, Prices Jump
http://www.11alive.com/news/local/story.aspx?storyid=130417&catid=40

 Pills-therapy combination work best at treating insomnia, study says
http://www.tampabay.com/news/health/article1002509.ece

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Global Warming may Result in Cooling, Cops Taser Toy Cat, and University plans Semi-nude Romp for Finals Week

> Berkeley Study says Global Warming may Result in Cooling
> Nervous Police Taser Large Toy Cat
> Chapman University Preps for Spring Undie Run

Inebriated Press
May 21, 2009

Finals week at Chapman

Finals week at Chapman

Science Daily reported Tuesday that a new study by University of California, Berkeley says global warming may include periods of cooling, but researchers are pretty sure that the cooling doesn’t actually result in cooling, but is actually warming.  And United Press International (UPI) reported Monday that police in Michigan responding to a report of a cougar on the loose, ended up Tasering a large toy cat apparently hiding in a cement drainpipe.  Meanwhile, the Orange County Register reported Monday that Chapman University, in an attempt to keep students from frolicking semi-nude in the city’s 71-year-old fountain during finals week, will allow them to run semi-nude around campus every Wednesday night.  Inebriated reporters romping around semi-nude and contemplating the counterintuitive nature of Obama’s plan to cut the national debt by quadrupling it, and how cold results in heat, and how toys are basically real, have decided that heavy drinking is the best way to avoid getting drunk.

Someone named Alicia

Someone named Alicia

“I don’t know about you, but I’m not taking any chances by ignoring the new realities and pretending that economics, nature and the first law of thermodynamics still act like they used to.  They all behave the opposite of what they did in the past, and need to be treated accordingly,” said Alicia Redd-Lace, a biped and Inebriated Press theoretician, occasionally at the same time.  “I’m going to start spending a lot more money so that my savings increase, and I’ll probably drink a couple of liters of Jack Daniels every day just to make sure that I’m always sober.  It feels a bit chilly in here right now, so I’m taking off all of my clothes.  I know it won’t make you uncomfortable, because it may have last year, but it’ll be the opposite now.”

Someone named Mary

Someone named Mary

Not everyone is so sure that cold is hot, or negative net worth equals vast wealth.  “Call me crazy, but didn’t we just go through a period where no money down and bad credit allowed people who couldn’t afford homes to buy them and that wrecked the housing market and busted the financial system?  Didn’t many of the same people who say we face the danger of global warming also say we faced the danger of global cooling and an impending ice age during the 1970’s?  I’m thinking that hot is still hot and cold is still cold and that massive debt will still cause bankruptcy, and since people haven’t been on earth a fraction of the millennia that the universe has existed, that we have no clue as to whether the earth is running in 10, 100 or 1000 year temperature cycles,” said Mary-Martha Dannce-Knightly, an arms dealer and part-time stripper down at the Busty Squirrel Club and Pet Shop.  “Now a toy animal probably needs to be Tased by cops from time to time, just to make sure that they stay in line, but beyond that, I think the basic laws of nature, economics and common sense still apply.”

Evidence of global warming

Evidence of global warming

Science Daily reported that global warming may include some periods of local cooling, according to a new study by researchers at the University of California, Berkeley. Results from satellite and ground-based sensor data show that sweltering summers can, paradoxically, lead to the temporary formation of a cooling haze. The study, published in the journal Proceedings of the National Academy of Sciences, found that when manmade pollutants mix with the natural compounds emitted from forests and vegetation during the hot summer months, they form secondary aerosols that reflect light from the sun. Such aerosols may also contribute to the formation of clouds, which also reflect sunlight. The results of this study suggest that climate models need to better account for the effects of organic aerosols, the authors said. The researchers estimated that the cooling effect from the aerosol haze over the U.S. Southeast in summer is outpacing the warming effect from carbon dioxide emissions by 2-to-1 in a negative feedback system. “The cooling effect of the organic aerosols we are reporting here are regional and temporal; they are dwarfed by the changes in the climate we are witnessing globally,” said Inez Fung, a UC Berkeley professor. “To counter all the warming effects from greenhouse gases with aerosols, levels would have to be so high that we’d have trouble breathing, and the sky would no longer appear blue.”

Don't Tase me Bro!

Don't Tase me Bro!

United Press International reported that police in Michigan responding to a report of a cougar on the loose said they ended up shooting a large toy cat with a Taser stun gun. Warren police said the 911 caller said a “huge” animal resembling “a 150-pound cat” was spotted in an old cement drainpipe in Bates Park and 10 officers were sent to the scene, WDIV-TV, Detroit, reported Monday. The officers saw the outline of the animal in the pipe and shot it with the Taser — only to discover it was a large toy cougar. Police Commissioner William Dwyer said investigators believe the incident, which cost the department $1,000 in wasted police hours from responding to the scene and filling out paperwork, was a prank. Dwyer said the prankster could face 90 days probation and fines equivalent to the wasted police money if caught.

Undie Runners R Us

Undie Runners R Us

The Orange County Register reported that Chapman University, in an attempt to keep students from frolicking again in the city’s 71-year-old fountain, will allow students to return to campus for a foam party after Wednesday night’s traditional Undie Run. The run occurs every Wednesday night during Chapman’s finals week in the winter and spring. Students meet at Memorial Hall, strip to their underwear, run a couple of blocks to the plaza, or traffic circle, and back. For the first time, Chapman is partnering with student leaders on the Undie Run, an unsanctioned campus event that upset the mayor in the fall because students damaged the fountain. University spokeswoman Mary Platt said the loose partnership is to help avoid an incident similar to the Undie Run in December when some students climbed in and broke the 71-year-old fountain in the plaza. About 1,500 students ran that time. The university picked up a $13,000 tab to repair the fountain and for police staffing the event. The foam party is meant to lure students back to campus. The Undie Run’s origins at Chapman are fuzzy.

Some people say that the fuzzier things are, the better.

Good Scotch

Good Scotch

“In today’s world of uncertainty and challenge, it’s important that all government and personal planning is hazy, fuzzy and unclear so that everything is in accord with the inherent meaningless and randomness of nature, global warming and most of Nancy Pelosi’s statements,” said a passing gnome carrying roots and a bottle of good Scotch.  “Relativity is at the heart of physics, evolution and ethics, it only makes sense that it should also be applied to economics and the war on terror.  Nothing has any real meaning, other than what we decide it is at any one time.  Why should we think that some people or economic, or political systems should behave in a predictable or rational way; or that anything is really ‘bad’ or ‘good’.  It’s important that we build our lives on the sands of relativity and chaos.  It’s the only really natural foundation, and it’s the true character of our age.  I’d talk more, but I’ve got work to do and bills to pay.  Damn bill collectors have no concept of the importance of relativity and still expect to be paid, and to be paid on time. They’re a bunch of damn capitalist business types clinging to a bunch of ‘real world’ crap.”

That'll teach him

That'll teach him

In other news, UK’s The Sun reported on Tuesday that a man who twice beat his girlfriend got his punishment — 60 hours working out at the gym. The bizarre sentence was imposed by Judge Anthony Goldstaub QC on Richard Brown at Chelmsford Crown Court. The judge had been told of the attacks carried out by Brown, an unemployed IT worker, of Hornchurch, Essex, on his partner and mother-of-six. As part of his penalty the judge ruled Brown must attend a gym three times a week for an hour for 20 weeks as “an activity requirement”. Brown had pleaded guilty to two offences of assault causing actual bodily harm. No word on why being sentenced to go to a gym is a cure for physical abuse, but in an era where cold weather is heating the globe and trillions of dollars in spending is fixing government debt, it takes a little while for old fashioned thinkers to catch up with the new reality.  Or some such bullshit.

(C) 2009 InebriatedPress.com

Source articles:

Global Warming May Result In Some Periods Of Cooling In Southeastern United States
http://www.sciencedaily.com/releases/2009/05/090518172442.htm

Police use Taser on fake cougar
http://www.redorbit.com/news/oddities/1690977/police_use_taser_on_fake_cougar/index.html?source=r_oddities

Old Towne: Chapman preps for spring Undie Run
http://orange.freedomblogging.com/2009/05/18/old-towne-chapman-preps-for-spring-undie-run/4111/

Sentenced to gym work out
http://www.thesun.co.uk/sol/homepage/news/article2437570.ece?OTC-RSS&ATTR=News

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Scientists Ponder Cloning Anna Nicole Smith and Grace Kelly

Inebriated Press Tabloid Division
May 19, 2009

Anna Nicole Smith

Anna Nicole Smith

Scientists at the Lucky Horseshoe Genetic Lab and Gambling Casino are currently in a heated debate over whether to bring to life a clone of actress-princess Grace Kelly or actress-slut Anna Nicole Smith.  The argument center’s around which woman will advance society the most, and bring about positive “hope and change.”  Inebriated reporters, hiding behind glass beakers and under roulette tables, have been following the proceedings closely.

Grace Kelly

Grace Kelly

“Some of the scientists say that a Grace Kelly clone would bring more civility and class to the world, and would lend an air of sophistication and politeness to global matters, that to-date have resulted in the beheadings and physical detonation of individuals who disagree with some Muslims,” said an Inebriated reporter shooting crap and slamming Jack Daniels like nobodies business. “While others feel that bringing a trashy blonde like Anna Nicole to life is the way to go, since Islamofascists don’t give a damn about anyone anyway, and hot slutty women will give the West some distraction and provide the fresher outlook necessary to think things through.”

While the Kelly-Smith debate rages, some geneticists are already gearing up to create Nancy Pelosi and Margaret Thatcher clones.

Margaret Thatcher

Margaret Thatcher

“It won’t be long now and Maggie Thatcher will slip the bonds of life and die of old age, and the earth will be a poorer, less intelligent place,” said Dutch Reagan-Two, a scientist and genetic makeup artist enamored with Thatcher for reasons of his own.  “We need the Iron Lady around telling us to pull our heads out of our ass and abandon destructive liberal policies and shit.  I’m also working on a Nancy Pelosi clone but I’m having second thoughts.  Originally I figured she’d be an acceptable balance to Thatcher’s conservativism and that would be a good thing, but since Pelosi recently went off the rails with all the ‘CIA lied’ bullshit, I’m thinking I’ll either have to forget her altogether, or see if I can cross her with a frog that has common sense.  It may make her skin look a little bit greener and appear stretched more oddly than the current version, but if she thinks clearly it’ll be worth it.  What can I say, some clones aren’t best if they’re identical to the original.”

Anna Nicole

Anna Nicole

Ethicists have been arguing over whether it’s proper to clone people and create physical replicas of them. Some pundits say it’s irrelevant and silly because even though the people may look like the originals, they’ll not think or behave like the originals, because they will have developed in different social and educational conditions. Others argue that the identical genetic makeup will in fact cause them to act a great deal like the originals.  Many remain unsure whether duplication is ethical, and while most are inclined to let someone with a different pay grade decide, some geneticists say it’s time to get on with it.

Grace

Grace

“If you can duplicate people you duplicate people,” said an unidentified geneticist and Black Jack dealer covering her name tag.  “We should do it for the very reason people climb up mountains — because they’re there.  We can, so we should; that’s good enough.  We ought get at it right away and make clones of everything and everyone.  Think of the fun of having hundreds of Anna Nichole Smiths or Grace Kelly’s running around the world.  What a hoot.  And I’m saying that from a purely scientific perspective.”

In barely related news, Anna Nicole Smith was sited recently at a Hooters eating chicken wings at a table with Elvis Presley.  No word on whether they were clones or the real thing, but according to a waitress they tipped big and that’s what matters.  After all, making the world a better place is what it’s all about, and good tips are a step in the right direction.

(C) 2009 InebriatedPress.com

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Russia goes Old-School Soviet, Rodents run Free at Wal-Mart, and Women Dump Pantyhose to Cool Legs

> Russia puts on Soviet-style Red Square show of might
> Woman sues Wal-Mart after Roaming Rat Panics her
> Summer Heats Up Women who Dump Pantyhose to Cool Down

Inebriated Press
May 14, 2009

Toe cleavage

Toe cleavage

Breitbart reported this week that Russia on Saturday sternly warned its foes not to act aggressive toward the country, as it put on a Soviet-style show of military might in Red Square including nuclear capable missiles. The display came amid renewed tensions with Georgia after NATO’s decision to hold war games in the Caucasus country infuriated Moscow. And Associated Press reported last week that a Louisiana woman is suing a Wal-Mart store because a rat ran out from behind a rack as she was pushing a full shopping cart down an aisle, panicking her and causing her to injure herself.  She said employees knew it was in the store and had even named it Norman.  Meanwhile, Forbes reported this past Saturday that during the suffocating heat of summer, more and more women are tossing the pantyhose and stockings and going bare legged and with open-toe shoes.  Pundits are debating the risk and reward of a Soviet Union redux, rodents running wild and free in department stores, and whether toe cleavage is hot or cool.  

Someone named Hillary

Someone named Hillary

“There’s nothing inherently risky or especially rewarding from the Russians behaving like the old Soviets again, or rats roaming free around the ankles of women, or even legs that are nude and not poured into sausage tubes called hose.  Heck this stuff is all natural,” said Hillary Hafpint-Latex, a biped of questionable origin, but whose looks and intellect impress just the same.  “Putin is the old KGB chief and he’s been reassembling the old Soviet empire the best he can, he’s just doing more of the same.  It’s in his nature.  And rats roaming department stores isn’t anything different than when they roamed the fields in hunter-gatherer days, it’s just a different time.  And as far as women dumping hose for the summer, hey we were born with naked legs and you can’t get more natural than that.  The toe-cleavage thing is just some fetish.  I go toeless to let the air cool my feet, that’s it.  Now if you don’t mind, please stop sucking my toes.”

Someone named Stacy

Someone named Stacy

Not everyone sees it the way Hafpint-Latex does.  “The Soviets, I mean Russians want to be dangerous again and are arming Iran with nukes and being showy so they intimidate Obama and he starts apologizing about stuff for no reason, and then they can take the rest of Georgia and the Ukraine.  It must be stopped for the good of the former Soviet countries, which now have freedom.  And rats shouldn’t roam department stores, for crying out loud.  Get an exterminator, what kind of idiots are running that Wal-Mart,” asked Stacy Lacy-Piplate, a caterer whose looks enable her to keep food hot without the use of chafing dishes.  “As far as bare legs and toe-cleavage goes, if you’re in a professional office you probably need to wear pantyhose, or wear slacks if you don’t want hose.  Open toes you might risk depending on the culture there. It all seems kind of silly, but you go with what sells.  That’s why I do so many hot wings when I cater.  People like hot wings and naked legs.  If I have a lot of food to keep warm, sometimes I cater nude so I can keep the food hot without using electricity.  I don’t know if it really works, but I’ve never had any guys complain.”

SovietsBreitbart reported that Russia on Saturday sternly warned its foes not to dare attempt any aggression against the country, as it put on a Soviet-style show of military might in Red Square including nuclear capable missiles. The display to mark the 64th anniversary of the Soviet victory over Nazi Germany in World War II came amid renewed tensions with Georgia after NATO’s decision to hold war games in the Caucasus country infuriated Moscow. Russia’s war with Georgia in August over Georgian breakaway regions sent Moscow-NATO ties to their worst level since the Cold War and tensions have flared again over the alliance’s decision to go ahead with the exercises. Moscow, which remains at loggerheads with Georgia’s pro-Western President Mikheil Saakashvili, angrily condemned the war games that started this week as a provocation that risk stoking instability in the region.

Old School Soviet

Old School Soviet

Before handing over to Medvedev as president last year, Putin resurrected the Soviet practice — dropped after Communism — of having missiles and heavy tanks rumbling over the Red Square cobbles in front of Russia’s leaders. Thousands of soldiers and more than 100 items of hardware featured in the Red Square parade, which was matched by similar demonstrations across Russia involving almost 30,000 troops, officials said. There was a rare public showing for some of Russia’s best known missile systems, including the S-300 and S-400 anti-aircraft missiles, the short range Iskander-M and the medium-range Buk. Squadrons of fighter jets also flew over Red Square. The restoration of the heavy weaponry to the parade is a throwback to the days when reclusive Soviet leaders would observe the proceedings from the top of Lenin’s mausoleum on Red Square.

Rat-Mart?

Rat-Mart?

Associated Press reported that a Louisiana woman is suing a Wal-Mart store over what she claims was a much-too-close encounter of the furry kind. Rebecca White says in her lawsuit that employees at a Wal-Mart in Abbeville let a rat-tailed rodent known as a nutria run loose and scare her. She says that not only did employees know it was in their store, but gave it a pet name, Norman, and failed to warn shoppers. White says she was pushing a full shopping cart down an aisle in October when the nutria ran out from behind a rack. She says she pulled the cart backward in a panicked attempt to protect herself and hurt her back and foot. The local store referred all questions about Norman to the Bentonville, Ark.-headquarters of Wal-Mart Stores Inc., the nation’s largest retailer.

Look'n fine, feel'n cool

Look'n fine, feel'n cool

Forbes reported that April L. Burke doesn’t think bare legs are unattractive — just unprofessional. So pantyhose are a must at her Washington, D.C., lobbying firm, Lewis-Burke Associates. In a conservative field dominated by big players, she tells her employees, it’s crucial to look put together from head to toe. Still, in her city’s suffocating summers, even Burke has trouble with stockings. Her solution as the mercury rises: “I wear slacks a lot,” she says. As the weather heats up, so inevitably does the annual office leg debate, in which women grapple with dictates that can seem designed to keep us as sweaty, uncomfortable and — many say — dowdy as possible. In traditional industries, rules about women’s summer legs and footwear, whether written or unwritten, can inspire fantasies of mutiny among interns and corner-office executives alike. In finance, law and other professions, even seemingly innocuous summer staples such as cropped pants and open-toe shoes can be verboten. But making our own decisions can be worse than a draconian list of don’ts. If your firm has no stance on hosiery but you don’t have Malibu Barbie legs, must you wear hose anyway? If you can show toe cleavage, should you? When does stylish cross the line into sexy? “The semiotics of uncovering or covering the leg are unresolved,” says Susan Scafidi, a visiting professor at Fordham Law School in New York City who teaches fashion law. “We’re beyond a glimpse of stocking being thought of as something shocking, but we’re not sure what we think when we see a glimpse of skin.”

Some people say that in the heat of summer, you should turn everything loose and live and let live.

Passing hooligan

Passing hooligan

“Hot steamy summer should drive hot steamy dressing and undressing, and clothing should be loose and billowy and sometimes not at all,” said a passing hooligan, who looked firm and muscular and in some places wore nothing at all.  “Do the toe cleavage and other cleavage and let imagination and passion slip around the corporate office driving up blood pressure like a fifth cup of coffee or the third Diet Coke.  Don’t think it’ll inhibit productivity, just the opposite.  The staff will run on adrenaline most of the day.  And you’ll have vendors in your office cutting deals like you’ve never seen.  In fact they’ll come back even when they don’t have to, just to ‘make sure everything’s okay’.  Relish it, use it, bite me.  I mean, it’ll work out.”
 

Beer can island boat

Beer can island boat

In other news, The Tampa Tribune reported last Saturday that fuel fumes built up inside a 33-foot Sea Ray cabin cruiser causing it to suddenly explode off Beer Can Island. Seven people, including a child, were injured. Florida Fish and Wildlife Conservation Commission Maj. Dennis Post said that a generator was in operation at the time, and he speculated that perhaps fumes from that built up in the bilge area. If the area is not properly ventilated, that could result in an explosion. The vessel was anchored properly about 100 feet from the shore of the island Beer Can Island, a popular destination for weekend boaters in Tampa Bay. The size of the boat and the way it was anchored suggested the boater was experienced, Post said.  No word on whether there were hot women on board who may have caused it to overheat, or if they had toe-cleavage that somehow shorted out some electrical wiring.  But at least they have a place with the great name “Beer Can Island”, so they’ve got that going for them.    

(C) 2009 InebriatedPress.com

Source articles:

Russia warns foes in Soviet-style show of might
http://www.breitbart.com/article.php?id=CNG.2bd8acd3958f3504b0e198ea61d1c3d0.a1&show_article=1

Lawsuit: Big rodent runs free at Wal-Mart
http://www.chron.com/disp/story.mpl/hotstories/6413460.html

Should Women Bare Their Legs in the Office?
http://abcnews.go.com/Business/story?id=7541126&page=1

7 seriously injured on boat that exploded off Beer Can Island
http://www2.tbo.com/content/2009/may/09/092257/tampa-fire-rescue-responding-beer-can-island-boat-/news-breaking/

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Anthropological challenge, or, tricky natives

Far Side: Anthropologists & Natives

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