Tag Archives: Humor

Virgin may Buy Playboy, Jeans Cause Tingling Thighs, and India Killed all the Dinosaurs

> Playboy loses millions, Virgin reportedly buyer
> Skinny jeans causing “tingling thighs syndrome”
> India’s volcanoes made Dinosaurs extinct

Inebriated Press
May 28, 2009

PEOPLE ALBAThe UK Daily Mail reported Sunday that Playboy has lost millions of dollars and Hugh Hefner is reported to be selling the company for nearly £200million, with Virgin tipped as a potential buyer. And, MyFox National reported Tuesday that “tingling thigh syndrome,” or meralgia paresthetica, which usually affects obese people or manual laborers, is cropping up in younger people — because they’re wearing skinny jeans.  Meanwhile, the Christian Science Monitor reported Saturday that the dinosaurs didn’t become extinct until 300,000 years after an asteroid slammed into Mexico, so the new theory is that volcanic eruptions in India wiped them out. Pundits are debating what gives them tingles: tight jeans, Playboy or dinosaur extinction theories.

Someone named Mandy

Someone named Mandy

“I admit enjoying dinosaur theories, and the tingling and numbness in my thighs from my skinny jeans were kind of interesting, but a guy I met after I did a Playboy spread actually gave me the best tingles overall,” said Mandy Maebee-Mitebee, a model and part-time Internet sensation best known for her rice pudding recipes. “I don’t know if Virgin will buy Playboy or whether everyone will give up skinny jeans because they’re losing feeling in their legs, but lay out whatever theory you want, the dinosaurs are all gone.  And if the Republicans don’t get their shit together they’ll be extinct too and so will traditional America. I might be loose with my morals and tight with my jeans, but I’m fiscally conservative and have had enough of Obama after his 100 days.  We’ve got to stop these trillion dollar spending programs and fast.”

Someone named Lucy

Someone named Lucy

Not everyone agrees with Maebee-Mitebee.  “I wear the jeans I want and no one needs to tell me if I’m comfortable.  The dinosaurs are gone, okay, whatever.  Virgin running Playboy?  Isn’t that counterintuitive, or something … I mean virgins, really,” asked Lucy Laiz-Nowon, a particle physicist and postal recipient who likes catalogues.  “Obama has things in hand and all we have to do is our jobs, let him and the Dem’s run things and watch the world go happily around.  Finally someone who looks nice, sounds nice, and runs the country as though he knows what he’s doing.  Maybe he does, maybe not, but I like him and that’s all that matters.  My IQ may be 200 but that doesn’t mean I’m anal.  There are some things I just don’t give a shit about and government is one of them.  Why bother?”

Hugh Hefner and friends

Hugh Hefner and friends

The Daily Mail reported that Hugh Hefner could soon be parting ways with the soft-porn empire he founded more than 56 years ago. The 83-year-old is reported to be selling the company for nearly £200million, with Virgin tipped as a potential buyer. Although the magazine was read by a quarter of all university students in its heyday in the 1970s, its circulation has taken a battering from the availability of free pornography on the internet. Earlier this month, Playboy announced it had made losses of £8.6million for the first three months of this year, compared to a £2.6million loss for the corresponding period in 2008. The company is said to have been furiously cutting costs and has reportedly sacked 25 per cent of its staff. Virgin Media’s name has been raised as a potential buyer by speculators, but no official interest in the acquisition has been confirmed.

Skinny jeans

Skinny jeans

MyFox National reported it turns out that “tingling thigh syndrome,” or meralgia paresthetica, which usually affects obese people or manual laborers, is cropping up in younger people. The onslaught on skinny jeans on the market has caused some younger people to suffer from the symptoms of this condition. MSNBC.com writes that experts have seen a rise in the condition among young women. One woman describes a tingly sensation running up and down her thighs while wearing tight jeans. According to the Mayo Clinic Web site, meralgia paresthetica is a condition characterized by tingling, numbness and burning pain in the outer part of your thigh. Lucky in most cases the condition can be relieved by conservative measures, such as wearing looser clothing. Salon.com says the condition may not be affecting very many people. “Numbers are hard to come by, but I think it’s safe to say we could be talking about handfuls of young women,” writes Kate Harding.

DinosaursThe Christian Science Monitor reported that for about 30 years, people have believed that dinosaurs were rendered extinct after a six-mile-wide asteroid slammed into what’s now the Yucatan Peninsula in Mexico some sixty-five million years ago. But the April 27 issue of Journal of the Geological Society claims that mass extinctions didn’t occur until perhaps 300,000 years after the asteroid impact. Another study, reported in the journal Paleontologia Electronica, finds evidence that pockets of dinosaurs might have lived on after the asteroid strike. Princeton geoscientist Gerta Keller believes volcanic eruptions in India were responsible for extinctions. Critics — the majority of scientists in the field — remain unconvinced.

Ready for nursing, er

Ready for nursing, er

In other news, Australia’s WA Today reported Monday that an understaffed Prague clinic has signed up nurses by offering boob jobs, liposuction and tummy tucks as a bonus. Nurses, doctors and secretaries who signed with the small private clinic for three years could choose their free plastic surgery. Many Czech nurses have been tempted out of the country by higher wages offered in western European nations and the Czech health system now needs about 6,000 nurses in addition to the 90,000 it already employs, according to official data. No word on how Prague clinics feel about dinosaur extinction theory or if any of the nurses suffer from tingling thighs, but with their silicone bonuses they may be appearing soon in a new Czech Nurse Playboy spread on a Virgin cell phone near you.

(C) 2009 InebriatedPress.com

Source articles:

Playboy for sale after making a loss of millions – and Virgin is tipped as a potential buyer
http://www.dailymail.co.uk/news/worldnews/article-1187066/Playboy-sale-making-loss-millions–Virgin-tipped-potential-buyer.html

Jeans May Cause Tingling Thigh Syndrome
http://www.myfoxdc.com/dpp/news/consumers/dpgo_Tingling_Thigh_Syndrome_fc_20090526_2513909

New dinosaur-extinction theories pop the big rock
http://www.suntimes.com/news/nation/1588538,CST-NWS-dino24.article

Czech clinic lures nurses with free boob jobs, tummy tucks
http://www.watoday.com.au/world/czech-clinic-lures-nurses-with-free-boob-jobs-tummy-tucks-20090525-bkmb.html

Comments Off on Virgin may Buy Playboy, Jeans Cause Tingling Thighs, and India Killed all the Dinosaurs

Filed under Humor, IP News

Intolerance of the masses

Far Side: Intollerance

Comments Off on Intolerance of the masses

Filed under Humor, IP Toons

New Iranian Missile Targets Israel; Woman sells Companionship – the Sex is Free; and New Economic Rules in Gas Supply-Demand

> Iran tests new Missile: Israel, southeast Europe in Range
> Woman Arrested after offering Free Sex, but charging for Companionship
> More supply, lower demand Raises gas Prices

Inebriated Press
May 22, 2009

This is only a test. If this had been an actual nuclear device, maps containing Israel would be obsolete.

This is only a test. If this had been an actual nuclear device, maps containing Israel would be obsolete.

The Associated Press reported Wednesday that Iran test-fired a new missile with a range of 1,200 miles, able to strike Israel, southeastern Europe and U.S. bases in the Middle East.  And Florida’s Orlando Sentinel reported Tuesday that a woman was arrested for prostitution despite arguing that she doesn’t sell sex, she sells companionship, and gives the sex away for free.  Meanwhile, WXIA Atlanta reported that there are new rules in the gasoline world, where up is down and down is up. Despite higher gas supplies and reduced demand, gas prices are higher — the converse of economic theory.  Some pundits say that in today’s new America, companionship with women and gas stations will cost you, but the sex and gas are free. 

Someone named Yvonne

Someone named Yvonne

“Thanks to smart-thinking voters, we now have a U.S. president who is giving all American’s free gas and sex, as his hope-and-change plan kicks-in, pats our ass, takes our wallets, and then slathers us with Democrat good will.  It’s all cost-free because higher taxes and a bigger national debt are concepts we don’t understand — but free sex and gas we can grasp, and that’s what really matters,” said Yvonne Marble-Ryye, an ambidextrous gas pipe fitter and part-time sex worker, sometimes doing both simultaneously.  “And Iranian missiles soon to be armed with nukes aren’t anything to be bothered by.  So what if Iranian President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad has said Israel should be wiped off the face of the earth, it’s not like he’s come right out and said he plans to do it.  Iran’s funding of Hamas and terrorists in Iraq are just his way of encouraging balanced behavior in the region.  People need to relax and enjoy the free gas and sex and just chill out.  Want some companionship?  I don’t charge alot — and if you play your cards right, you might get something for free.”

Someone named Anna

Someone named Anna

Not everyone is as comfortable with Iranian nuclear-armed missiles and the illusion of free gas and sex.  “I like gas and sex and maybe an occasional nuke launched in the right direction, but all these things cost someone something, and not everyone will deliver them equitably.  I’m kind of big on fairness and I’ve been around long enough to know that anything that sounds too good to be true, probably is,” said Anna Belle-Lee, a patron of the arts and long-suffering conservative, caught-up in the spell of lucid thinking and a captive to common sense.  “It’s not that I think I’ve got everything figured out, or claim to be some sort of genius.  It’s just that at base, hookers sell sex, and gas companies will manipulate the market if they can in order to increase profits, and Ahmadinejad wants Israel destroyed and will do it himself if possible.  It’s human nature to try and get what you want and bluff your way to get it if that’s what works.  Hitler did it, so did Stalin.  Obama’s doing it, so is every hooker who walks the earth — or lays on it for that matter.  Now tell me some lie that I’ll buy, and let’s trip the light fantastic just for the sake of a dream and momentary fun.  I’m stodgy but I still like a good time now and then.”

"I have a dream ..."

"I have a dream ..."

Associated Press reported that President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad said Iran test-fired a new advanced missile Wednesday with a range of about 1,200 miles, far enough to strike Israel, southeastern Europe and U.S. bases in the Middle East. The announcement will not reassure the U.S. government, coming just two days after President Barack Obama declared a readiness to seek deeper international sanctions against Iran if it shunned U.S. attempts to open negotiations on its nuclear program. Obama said he expected a positive response to his outreach for opening a dialogue with Iran by the end of the year. Ahmadinejad is running for re-election in a June 12 vote and has been criticized by his opponents and others for antagonizing the U.S. and mismanaging the country’s faltering economy. Most Western analysts believe Iran does not yet have the technology to produce nuclear weapons. Iran’s nuclear and missile programs have alarmed Israel, and the country’s new prime minister, Benjamin Netanyahu, pressed Obama to step up pressure on Tehran when the two met in Washington on Monday. Ahmadinejad has repeatedly called for Israel’s elimination, and the Jewish state has not ruled out a military strike to deal with the Iranian nuclear threat.

Hot deals on companionship

Hot deals on companionship

The Orlando Sentinel reported that a suspected prostitute shared her unusual work rationale with an undercover Leesburg police officer just before she was arrested for the second time within 24 hours late last week. “I don’t take money for sex,” Ashley M. Hollin, 26, of Leesburg, told the officer. “I take money for company and the sex is free.” Hollin’s comments came late Friday just before she was about to be arrested for the second time that day. According to a police report, Hollin told the officer she had learned something from her earlier arrest — accept cash for companionship, not sex. “See, I learned from making the mistake last night with the police — if I do it this way they can’t get me for it,” Hollin said, according to a police report. She was wrong. Leesburg police arrested Hollin and several other women on prostitution-related charges following complaints about prostitution near the Deluxe Motel at 113 N. 14th St.

New gas-price supply-demand chart

New gas-price supply-demand chart

WXIA Atlanta reported that we need to get used to the new rules of supply and demand in Gasoline World. The world where up is down and down is up. Average gasoline prices in Georgia are up 29 cents a gallon, so far, since May 1. But supplies are up, nationwide. And demand is down, overall. “We’re going to see higher gasoline prices as the summer goes through,” said Oil Industry Expert Tex Pitfield on Tuesday. Pitfield is most recently President and CEO of Saraguay Petroleum Corporation of Atlanta and is a consultant. Pitfield said refineries are charging retail gas stations more for wholesale gasoline because “the refineries aren’t making money. They’re not making money right now. We’re awash in supply, in fuel. And demand for fuel is probably off 20 percent to 25 percent across the board, worldwide, if not more.” Under “normal” laws of supply and demand, when demand is lower, prices should be lower. “Prices should be lower,” Pitfield said. “Prices will continue to go higher.”

Hookers, companions or gas company rep's?

Hookers, companions or gas company rep's?

On Tuesday, the federal government announced a program to require higher mileage cars by 2016. President Obama acknowledged that those cars would cost consumers more, possibly $1,300 more. “It costs money to build these vehicles,” he said, but he also said he anticipates “the cost of driving these vehicles will go down as drivers save money at the pump.”

“It’s going to cost us more,” predicted a motorist, Cheryl Barre, as she filled up her car at a gas station in Cobb County Tuesday evening. “The gas is going to cost more. It’s already high and going higher. There has to be better alternatives than what we’re looking at right now — one more burden for the taxpayer to take on.” Tex Pitfield agreed. 11Alive: “If we’ll be using less gasoline because we’ll all be driving higher-mileage cars, are the refineries going to kick up the prices because we’re using less?” Pitfield: “Oh, absolutely. I mean, that’s basic economics.” The NEW basic economics of supply and demand.

Insomnia, traditional economist or both?

Insomnia, traditional economist or both?

In other news, Florida’s St. Petersburg Times reported that a new report released Tuesday in the Journal of the American Medical Association says that insomnia is best treated by a combination of drugs and extended therapy to change bedtime behaviors.  No word on whether a drug-therapy combo will be necessary to help Americans get comfortable with the new inverse gas-price-economics or help Israeli’s get comfortable with a nuclear Iran, but if we can get a little cheap companionship and free sex, maybe things will seem pretty good and we’ll all sleep like logs – or a reasonable facsimile thereof.

(C) 2009 InebriatedPress.com

Source articles:

Iran says it tests missile, Israel within range
http://news.yahoo.com/s/ap/20090520/ap_on_re_mi_ea/ml_iran_missile_test_8

Woman arrested after offering free sex — but a charge for companionship
http://www.orlandosentinel.com/news/local/breakingnews/orl-bk-leesburg-prostitution-051909,0,3190779.story

The New Rules: Gas Demand Declines, Prices Jump
http://www.11alive.com/news/local/story.aspx?storyid=130417&catid=40

 Pills-therapy combination work best at treating insomnia, study says
http://www.tampabay.com/news/health/article1002509.ece

Comments Off on New Iranian Missile Targets Israel; Woman sells Companionship – the Sex is Free; and New Economic Rules in Gas Supply-Demand

Filed under Humor, IP News

Global Warming may Result in Cooling, Cops Taser Toy Cat, and University plans Semi-nude Romp for Finals Week

> Berkeley Study says Global Warming may Result in Cooling
> Nervous Police Taser Large Toy Cat
> Chapman University Preps for Spring Undie Run

Inebriated Press
May 21, 2009

Finals week at Chapman

Finals week at Chapman

Science Daily reported Tuesday that a new study by University of California, Berkeley says global warming may include periods of cooling, but researchers are pretty sure that the cooling doesn’t actually result in cooling, but is actually warming.  And United Press International (UPI) reported Monday that police in Michigan responding to a report of a cougar on the loose, ended up Tasering a large toy cat apparently hiding in a cement drainpipe.  Meanwhile, the Orange County Register reported Monday that Chapman University, in an attempt to keep students from frolicking semi-nude in the city’s 71-year-old fountain during finals week, will allow them to run semi-nude around campus every Wednesday night.  Inebriated reporters romping around semi-nude and contemplating the counterintuitive nature of Obama’s plan to cut the national debt by quadrupling it, and how cold results in heat, and how toys are basically real, have decided that heavy drinking is the best way to avoid getting drunk.

Someone named Alicia

Someone named Alicia

“I don’t know about you, but I’m not taking any chances by ignoring the new realities and pretending that economics, nature and the first law of thermodynamics still act like they used to.  They all behave the opposite of what they did in the past, and need to be treated accordingly,” said Alicia Redd-Lace, a biped and Inebriated Press theoretician, occasionally at the same time.  “I’m going to start spending a lot more money so that my savings increase, and I’ll probably drink a couple of liters of Jack Daniels every day just to make sure that I’m always sober.  It feels a bit chilly in here right now, so I’m taking off all of my clothes.  I know it won’t make you uncomfortable, because it may have last year, but it’ll be the opposite now.”

Someone named Mary

Someone named Mary

Not everyone is so sure that cold is hot, or negative net worth equals vast wealth.  “Call me crazy, but didn’t we just go through a period where no money down and bad credit allowed people who couldn’t afford homes to buy them and that wrecked the housing market and busted the financial system?  Didn’t many of the same people who say we face the danger of global warming also say we faced the danger of global cooling and an impending ice age during the 1970’s?  I’m thinking that hot is still hot and cold is still cold and that massive debt will still cause bankruptcy, and since people haven’t been on earth a fraction of the millennia that the universe has existed, that we have no clue as to whether the earth is running in 10, 100 or 1000 year temperature cycles,” said Mary-Martha Dannce-Knightly, an arms dealer and part-time stripper down at the Busty Squirrel Club and Pet Shop.  “Now a toy animal probably needs to be Tased by cops from time to time, just to make sure that they stay in line, but beyond that, I think the basic laws of nature, economics and common sense still apply.”

Evidence of global warming

Evidence of global warming

Science Daily reported that global warming may include some periods of local cooling, according to a new study by researchers at the University of California, Berkeley. Results from satellite and ground-based sensor data show that sweltering summers can, paradoxically, lead to the temporary formation of a cooling haze. The study, published in the journal Proceedings of the National Academy of Sciences, found that when manmade pollutants mix with the natural compounds emitted from forests and vegetation during the hot summer months, they form secondary aerosols that reflect light from the sun. Such aerosols may also contribute to the formation of clouds, which also reflect sunlight. The results of this study suggest that climate models need to better account for the effects of organic aerosols, the authors said. The researchers estimated that the cooling effect from the aerosol haze over the U.S. Southeast in summer is outpacing the warming effect from carbon dioxide emissions by 2-to-1 in a negative feedback system. “The cooling effect of the organic aerosols we are reporting here are regional and temporal; they are dwarfed by the changes in the climate we are witnessing globally,” said Inez Fung, a UC Berkeley professor. “To counter all the warming effects from greenhouse gases with aerosols, levels would have to be so high that we’d have trouble breathing, and the sky would no longer appear blue.”

Don't Tase me Bro!

Don't Tase me Bro!

United Press International reported that police in Michigan responding to a report of a cougar on the loose said they ended up shooting a large toy cat with a Taser stun gun. Warren police said the 911 caller said a “huge” animal resembling “a 150-pound cat” was spotted in an old cement drainpipe in Bates Park and 10 officers were sent to the scene, WDIV-TV, Detroit, reported Monday. The officers saw the outline of the animal in the pipe and shot it with the Taser — only to discover it was a large toy cougar. Police Commissioner William Dwyer said investigators believe the incident, which cost the department $1,000 in wasted police hours from responding to the scene and filling out paperwork, was a prank. Dwyer said the prankster could face 90 days probation and fines equivalent to the wasted police money if caught.

Undie Runners R Us

Undie Runners R Us

The Orange County Register reported that Chapman University, in an attempt to keep students from frolicking again in the city’s 71-year-old fountain, will allow students to return to campus for a foam party after Wednesday night’s traditional Undie Run. The run occurs every Wednesday night during Chapman’s finals week in the winter and spring. Students meet at Memorial Hall, strip to their underwear, run a couple of blocks to the plaza, or traffic circle, and back. For the first time, Chapman is partnering with student leaders on the Undie Run, an unsanctioned campus event that upset the mayor in the fall because students damaged the fountain. University spokeswoman Mary Platt said the loose partnership is to help avoid an incident similar to the Undie Run in December when some students climbed in and broke the 71-year-old fountain in the plaza. About 1,500 students ran that time. The university picked up a $13,000 tab to repair the fountain and for police staffing the event. The foam party is meant to lure students back to campus. The Undie Run’s origins at Chapman are fuzzy.

Some people say that the fuzzier things are, the better.

Good Scotch

Good Scotch

“In today’s world of uncertainty and challenge, it’s important that all government and personal planning is hazy, fuzzy and unclear so that everything is in accord with the inherent meaningless and randomness of nature, global warming and most of Nancy Pelosi’s statements,” said a passing gnome carrying roots and a bottle of good Scotch.  “Relativity is at the heart of physics, evolution and ethics, it only makes sense that it should also be applied to economics and the war on terror.  Nothing has any real meaning, other than what we decide it is at any one time.  Why should we think that some people or economic, or political systems should behave in a predictable or rational way; or that anything is really ‘bad’ or ‘good’.  It’s important that we build our lives on the sands of relativity and chaos.  It’s the only really natural foundation, and it’s the true character of our age.  I’d talk more, but I’ve got work to do and bills to pay.  Damn bill collectors have no concept of the importance of relativity and still expect to be paid, and to be paid on time. They’re a bunch of damn capitalist business types clinging to a bunch of ‘real world’ crap.”

That'll teach him

That'll teach him

In other news, UK’s The Sun reported on Tuesday that a man who twice beat his girlfriend got his punishment — 60 hours working out at the gym. The bizarre sentence was imposed by Judge Anthony Goldstaub QC on Richard Brown at Chelmsford Crown Court. The judge had been told of the attacks carried out by Brown, an unemployed IT worker, of Hornchurch, Essex, on his partner and mother-of-six. As part of his penalty the judge ruled Brown must attend a gym three times a week for an hour for 20 weeks as “an activity requirement”. Brown had pleaded guilty to two offences of assault causing actual bodily harm. No word on why being sentenced to go to a gym is a cure for physical abuse, but in an era where cold weather is heating the globe and trillions of dollars in spending is fixing government debt, it takes a little while for old fashioned thinkers to catch up with the new reality.  Or some such bullshit.

(C) 2009 InebriatedPress.com

Source articles:

Global Warming May Result In Some Periods Of Cooling In Southeastern United States
http://www.sciencedaily.com/releases/2009/05/090518172442.htm

Police use Taser on fake cougar
http://www.redorbit.com/news/oddities/1690977/police_use_taser_on_fake_cougar/index.html?source=r_oddities

Old Towne: Chapman preps for spring Undie Run
http://orange.freedomblogging.com/2009/05/18/old-towne-chapman-preps-for-spring-undie-run/4111/

Sentenced to gym work out
http://www.thesun.co.uk/sol/homepage/news/article2437570.ece?OTC-RSS&ATTR=News

Comments Off on Global Warming may Result in Cooling, Cops Taser Toy Cat, and University plans Semi-nude Romp for Finals Week

Filed under Humor, IP News

Scientists Ponder Cloning Anna Nicole Smith and Grace Kelly

Inebriated Press Tabloid Division
May 19, 2009

Anna Nicole Smith

Anna Nicole Smith

Scientists at the Lucky Horseshoe Genetic Lab and Gambling Casino are currently in a heated debate over whether to bring to life a clone of actress-princess Grace Kelly or actress-slut Anna Nicole Smith.  The argument center’s around which woman will advance society the most, and bring about positive “hope and change.”  Inebriated reporters, hiding behind glass beakers and under roulette tables, have been following the proceedings closely.

Grace Kelly

Grace Kelly

“Some of the scientists say that a Grace Kelly clone would bring more civility and class to the world, and would lend an air of sophistication and politeness to global matters, that to-date have resulted in the beheadings and physical detonation of individuals who disagree with some Muslims,” said an Inebriated reporter shooting crap and slamming Jack Daniels like nobodies business. “While others feel that bringing a trashy blonde like Anna Nicole to life is the way to go, since Islamofascists don’t give a damn about anyone anyway, and hot slutty women will give the West some distraction and provide the fresher outlook necessary to think things through.”

While the Kelly-Smith debate rages, some geneticists are already gearing up to create Nancy Pelosi and Margaret Thatcher clones.

Margaret Thatcher

Margaret Thatcher

“It won’t be long now and Maggie Thatcher will slip the bonds of life and die of old age, and the earth will be a poorer, less intelligent place,” said Dutch Reagan-Two, a scientist and genetic makeup artist enamored with Thatcher for reasons of his own.  “We need the Iron Lady around telling us to pull our heads out of our ass and abandon destructive liberal policies and shit.  I’m also working on a Nancy Pelosi clone but I’m having second thoughts.  Originally I figured she’d be an acceptable balance to Thatcher’s conservativism and that would be a good thing, but since Pelosi recently went off the rails with all the ‘CIA lied’ bullshit, I’m thinking I’ll either have to forget her altogether, or see if I can cross her with a frog that has common sense.  It may make her skin look a little bit greener and appear stretched more oddly than the current version, but if she thinks clearly it’ll be worth it.  What can I say, some clones aren’t best if they’re identical to the original.”

Anna Nicole

Anna Nicole

Ethicists have been arguing over whether it’s proper to clone people and create physical replicas of them. Some pundits say it’s irrelevant and silly because even though the people may look like the originals, they’ll not think or behave like the originals, because they will have developed in different social and educational conditions. Others argue that the identical genetic makeup will in fact cause them to act a great deal like the originals.  Many remain unsure whether duplication is ethical, and while most are inclined to let someone with a different pay grade decide, some geneticists say it’s time to get on with it.

Grace

Grace

“If you can duplicate people you duplicate people,” said an unidentified geneticist and Black Jack dealer covering her name tag.  “We should do it for the very reason people climb up mountains — because they’re there.  We can, so we should; that’s good enough.  We ought get at it right away and make clones of everything and everyone.  Think of the fun of having hundreds of Anna Nichole Smiths or Grace Kelly’s running around the world.  What a hoot.  And I’m saying that from a purely scientific perspective.”

In barely related news, Anna Nicole Smith was sited recently at a Hooters eating chicken wings at a table with Elvis Presley.  No word on whether they were clones or the real thing, but according to a waitress they tipped big and that’s what matters.  After all, making the world a better place is what it’s all about, and good tips are a step in the right direction.

(C) 2009 InebriatedPress.com

Comments Off on Scientists Ponder Cloning Anna Nicole Smith and Grace Kelly

Filed under Humor, IP Tabloid

Russia goes Old-School Soviet, Rodents run Free at Wal-Mart, and Women Dump Pantyhose to Cool Legs

> Russia puts on Soviet-style Red Square show of might
> Woman sues Wal-Mart after Roaming Rat Panics her
> Summer Heats Up Women who Dump Pantyhose to Cool Down

Inebriated Press
May 14, 2009

Toe cleavage

Toe cleavage

Breitbart reported this week that Russia on Saturday sternly warned its foes not to act aggressive toward the country, as it put on a Soviet-style show of military might in Red Square including nuclear capable missiles. The display came amid renewed tensions with Georgia after NATO’s decision to hold war games in the Caucasus country infuriated Moscow. And Associated Press reported last week that a Louisiana woman is suing a Wal-Mart store because a rat ran out from behind a rack as she was pushing a full shopping cart down an aisle, panicking her and causing her to injure herself.  She said employees knew it was in the store and had even named it Norman.  Meanwhile, Forbes reported this past Saturday that during the suffocating heat of summer, more and more women are tossing the pantyhose and stockings and going bare legged and with open-toe shoes.  Pundits are debating the risk and reward of a Soviet Union redux, rodents running wild and free in department stores, and whether toe cleavage is hot or cool.  

Someone named Hillary

Someone named Hillary

“There’s nothing inherently risky or especially rewarding from the Russians behaving like the old Soviets again, or rats roaming free around the ankles of women, or even legs that are nude and not poured into sausage tubes called hose.  Heck this stuff is all natural,” said Hillary Hafpint-Latex, a biped of questionable origin, but whose looks and intellect impress just the same.  “Putin is the old KGB chief and he’s been reassembling the old Soviet empire the best he can, he’s just doing more of the same.  It’s in his nature.  And rats roaming department stores isn’t anything different than when they roamed the fields in hunter-gatherer days, it’s just a different time.  And as far as women dumping hose for the summer, hey we were born with naked legs and you can’t get more natural than that.  The toe-cleavage thing is just some fetish.  I go toeless to let the air cool my feet, that’s it.  Now if you don’t mind, please stop sucking my toes.”

Someone named Stacy

Someone named Stacy

Not everyone sees it the way Hafpint-Latex does.  “The Soviets, I mean Russians want to be dangerous again and are arming Iran with nukes and being showy so they intimidate Obama and he starts apologizing about stuff for no reason, and then they can take the rest of Georgia and the Ukraine.  It must be stopped for the good of the former Soviet countries, which now have freedom.  And rats shouldn’t roam department stores, for crying out loud.  Get an exterminator, what kind of idiots are running that Wal-Mart,” asked Stacy Lacy-Piplate, a caterer whose looks enable her to keep food hot without the use of chafing dishes.  “As far as bare legs and toe-cleavage goes, if you’re in a professional office you probably need to wear pantyhose, or wear slacks if you don’t want hose.  Open toes you might risk depending on the culture there. It all seems kind of silly, but you go with what sells.  That’s why I do so many hot wings when I cater.  People like hot wings and naked legs.  If I have a lot of food to keep warm, sometimes I cater nude so I can keep the food hot without using electricity.  I don’t know if it really works, but I’ve never had any guys complain.”

SovietsBreitbart reported that Russia on Saturday sternly warned its foes not to dare attempt any aggression against the country, as it put on a Soviet-style show of military might in Red Square including nuclear capable missiles. The display to mark the 64th anniversary of the Soviet victory over Nazi Germany in World War II came amid renewed tensions with Georgia after NATO’s decision to hold war games in the Caucasus country infuriated Moscow. Russia’s war with Georgia in August over Georgian breakaway regions sent Moscow-NATO ties to their worst level since the Cold War and tensions have flared again over the alliance’s decision to go ahead with the exercises. Moscow, which remains at loggerheads with Georgia’s pro-Western President Mikheil Saakashvili, angrily condemned the war games that started this week as a provocation that risk stoking instability in the region.

Old School Soviet

Old School Soviet

Before handing over to Medvedev as president last year, Putin resurrected the Soviet practice — dropped after Communism — of having missiles and heavy tanks rumbling over the Red Square cobbles in front of Russia’s leaders. Thousands of soldiers and more than 100 items of hardware featured in the Red Square parade, which was matched by similar demonstrations across Russia involving almost 30,000 troops, officials said. There was a rare public showing for some of Russia’s best known missile systems, including the S-300 and S-400 anti-aircraft missiles, the short range Iskander-M and the medium-range Buk. Squadrons of fighter jets also flew over Red Square. The restoration of the heavy weaponry to the parade is a throwback to the days when reclusive Soviet leaders would observe the proceedings from the top of Lenin’s mausoleum on Red Square.

Rat-Mart?

Rat-Mart?

Associated Press reported that a Louisiana woman is suing a Wal-Mart store over what she claims was a much-too-close encounter of the furry kind. Rebecca White says in her lawsuit that employees at a Wal-Mart in Abbeville let a rat-tailed rodent known as a nutria run loose and scare her. She says that not only did employees know it was in their store, but gave it a pet name, Norman, and failed to warn shoppers. White says she was pushing a full shopping cart down an aisle in October when the nutria ran out from behind a rack. She says she pulled the cart backward in a panicked attempt to protect herself and hurt her back and foot. The local store referred all questions about Norman to the Bentonville, Ark.-headquarters of Wal-Mart Stores Inc., the nation’s largest retailer.

Look'n fine, feel'n cool

Look'n fine, feel'n cool

Forbes reported that April L. Burke doesn’t think bare legs are unattractive — just unprofessional. So pantyhose are a must at her Washington, D.C., lobbying firm, Lewis-Burke Associates. In a conservative field dominated by big players, she tells her employees, it’s crucial to look put together from head to toe. Still, in her city’s suffocating summers, even Burke has trouble with stockings. Her solution as the mercury rises: “I wear slacks a lot,” she says. As the weather heats up, so inevitably does the annual office leg debate, in which women grapple with dictates that can seem designed to keep us as sweaty, uncomfortable and — many say — dowdy as possible. In traditional industries, rules about women’s summer legs and footwear, whether written or unwritten, can inspire fantasies of mutiny among interns and corner-office executives alike. In finance, law and other professions, even seemingly innocuous summer staples such as cropped pants and open-toe shoes can be verboten. But making our own decisions can be worse than a draconian list of don’ts. If your firm has no stance on hosiery but you don’t have Malibu Barbie legs, must you wear hose anyway? If you can show toe cleavage, should you? When does stylish cross the line into sexy? “The semiotics of uncovering or covering the leg are unresolved,” says Susan Scafidi, a visiting professor at Fordham Law School in New York City who teaches fashion law. “We’re beyond a glimpse of stocking being thought of as something shocking, but we’re not sure what we think when we see a glimpse of skin.”

Some people say that in the heat of summer, you should turn everything loose and live and let live.

Passing hooligan

Passing hooligan

“Hot steamy summer should drive hot steamy dressing and undressing, and clothing should be loose and billowy and sometimes not at all,” said a passing hooligan, who looked firm and muscular and in some places wore nothing at all.  “Do the toe cleavage and other cleavage and let imagination and passion slip around the corporate office driving up blood pressure like a fifth cup of coffee or the third Diet Coke.  Don’t think it’ll inhibit productivity, just the opposite.  The staff will run on adrenaline most of the day.  And you’ll have vendors in your office cutting deals like you’ve never seen.  In fact they’ll come back even when they don’t have to, just to ‘make sure everything’s okay’.  Relish it, use it, bite me.  I mean, it’ll work out.”
 

Beer can island boat

Beer can island boat

In other news, The Tampa Tribune reported last Saturday that fuel fumes built up inside a 33-foot Sea Ray cabin cruiser causing it to suddenly explode off Beer Can Island. Seven people, including a child, were injured. Florida Fish and Wildlife Conservation Commission Maj. Dennis Post said that a generator was in operation at the time, and he speculated that perhaps fumes from that built up in the bilge area. If the area is not properly ventilated, that could result in an explosion. The vessel was anchored properly about 100 feet from the shore of the island Beer Can Island, a popular destination for weekend boaters in Tampa Bay. The size of the boat and the way it was anchored suggested the boater was experienced, Post said.  No word on whether there were hot women on board who may have caused it to overheat, or if they had toe-cleavage that somehow shorted out some electrical wiring.  But at least they have a place with the great name “Beer Can Island”, so they’ve got that going for them.    

(C) 2009 InebriatedPress.com

Source articles:

Russia warns foes in Soviet-style show of might
http://www.breitbart.com/article.php?id=CNG.2bd8acd3958f3504b0e198ea61d1c3d0.a1&show_article=1

Lawsuit: Big rodent runs free at Wal-Mart
http://www.chron.com/disp/story.mpl/hotstories/6413460.html

Should Women Bare Their Legs in the Office?
http://abcnews.go.com/Business/story?id=7541126&page=1

7 seriously injured on boat that exploded off Beer Can Island
http://www2.tbo.com/content/2009/may/09/092257/tampa-fire-rescue-responding-beer-can-island-boat-/news-breaking/

Comments Off on Russia goes Old-School Soviet, Rodents run Free at Wal-Mart, and Women Dump Pantyhose to Cool Legs

Filed under Humor, IP News

Anthropological challenge, or, tricky natives

Far Side: Anthropologists & Natives

Comments Off on Anthropological challenge, or, tricky natives

Filed under Humor, IP Toons

Nipplegate Revisited, Porn Star Eyes Senate Run, and Woman Hides Crack in Crack

> U.S. Supreme Court calls for “wardrobe malfunction” review
> Porn star Stormy Daniels launches Senate “Listening Tour”
> Woman arrested; smuggled crack cocaine in vagina

Inebriated Press
May 5, 2009

Bit nipply out

Bit nipply out

The New York Times reported yesterday that the U.S. Supreme Court set aside a ruling by the U.S. Court of Appeals that had overturned a $550,000 fine imposed on CBS for Janet Jackson’s nipple flash during the 2004 Super Bowl, and called for “further consideration” of the conclusion.  And Politico reported last Friday that porn star Stormy Daniels is launching a “Listening Tour” across Louisiana, in order to meet with men and women and listen to issues and concerns, and gauge a potential run for the U.S. Senate.  Meanwhile, WHAS-TV 11, Louisville, Kentucky, reported that a woman was arrested Friday, for smuggling drugs that she concealed in her “private parts”.  Pundits are debating the risks and rewards of out-of-control clothing, out-of-control politics and out-of-control drug smuggling. 

Someone named Tom

Someone named Tom

“America is playing fast and loose with its ethics, economy, and damn near everything in between.  What with trillions of dollars in debt and the risk of future hyper-inflation that we call ‘stimulus’ today, and out-of-control clothing on singers, and porn star Senator-wannabe’s, not to mention vaginal drug smuggling,” said Tom Thumb-Naill, a small businessman who made money the past two years, and has complained about Obama’s tax-and-redistribution plan, so now Homeland Security considers him a terrorist suspect.  “I wouldn’t really give a shit, except every time I turn around I’m getting hosed.  I bust my ass to build a business and now I’m supposed to give my earnings to bums and vagrants who bought crack out of some woman’s crack and wasted their brains.  In the new America of hope and change, businessmen are considered terrorists and troublemakers.  I suppose electing Daniels as Senator makes some sense.  If we’re going to get screwed anyway it may as well be by someone who looks hot and knows how to give constituents a good time while doing us.  Shit I’m depressed.”

Someone named Misty

Someone named Misty

Not everyone sees it the way Thumb-Naill does.  “During times of significant societal change, some people will feel stress and may misunderstand the benefits of the things going on around them.  They may perceive loss when their taxes go up or inflation spikes, or they may have feelings of foreboding and even discomfort when they learn that free speech is only acceptable if it’s pro-liberal-socialist government — if they’re not used to the idea,” said Misty Breastplate-Barfly, a self-proclaimed intellectual, who lives on George Soros dime in an out-of-the-way villa where only deep thinking is allowed.  “In time American’s will warm to the talk-middle-of-the-road and rule-far-left governing approach of Barack Obama, our light bringer and space heater.  They’ll even come to appreciate the coercive techniques and Chicago Style Politics that characterizes our government today.  Centralized power in the hands of a small cadre of elite is a time honored and historically proven governing approach.  Only unenlightened conservatives, Neanderthals, and early American patriots have a hard time understanding and embracing this classic approach to power.  And like the Dodo bird, they’ll all go the way of extinction.  Want to buy some coke?  I keep some in my panties; oh, and I’m thinking of running for governor.”

Janet makes clean breast of it

Janet makes clean breast of it

The New York Times reported that the Supreme Court on Monday set aside a ruling by the United States Court of Appeals for the Third Circuit, in Philadelphia, that had overturned a $550,000 fine imposed by the Federal Communications Commission on CBS for the “wardrobe malfunction,” as the fateful moment has been described. The high court said the Third Circuit should give “further consideration” to its conclusion last July 21 that the F.C.C. was wrong to fine the network. So, what may be the most controversial fraction of a second in television history, the momentary baring of the singer Janet Jackson’s breast during the halftime show of the 2004 Super Bowl, will be debated once again in federal court. The lyrics sung by Justin Timberlake “Gonna have you naked by the end of this song,” was followed by the exposure of Ms. Jackson’s breast.  The event called ‘nipplegate’ by some lasted nine-sixteenths of one second. That is barely enough time for the speediest wide receiver to cover five yards on a dry field, but plenty of time to generate litigation that has lasted half a decade, with accompanying lawyers’ fees.

Senator wannabe

Senator wannabe

Politico reported that porn star Stormy Daniels has launched a “Listening Tour” across Louisiana. The star of such films as “Operation Desert Stormy” will appear in Baton Rouge on Tuesday and New Orleans on Wednesday in order to “meet with Louisiana men and women and listen to the issues and concerns they struggle with everyday” and gauge a potential run against Sen. David Vitter (R.). The untraditional path into politics for Daniels, a 29-year-old with no party affiliation at present, began in February when fans launched the website DraftStormy.com to encourage a run. Daniels hopes that her career as a porn star (and producer, writer and director) won’t prove much of a hindrance, since Vitter has some sexual history of his own: In July 2007, his phone number appeared in the published phone log of Deborah Jeane Palfrey, AKA the “D.C. Madam.”

WHAS-11 Louisville reported that there was an unusual arrest early Friday at metro corrections. Police say 20-year-old Ashley Greene concealed drugs within her private parts in attempt to hide them and to bring them into the jail. The arrest report says officers also found $60, crack cocaine and marijuana in that “same area”.

Some say that stash in snatch and crack in crack sound like some kind of Dr. Seuss storybook rhyme.

Snatch stasher

Snatch stasher

“During these trick turning times, I mean tricky times, it’s important to take a moment and smell the roses or sniff the cocaine, and reflect on the poetic meanings that lay beneath the flowery words in Obama’s speeches that seem so irrelevant and yet change our lives so much,” said a passing vagrant, currently an Obama appointed advisor to Central Intelligence.  “There’s the crack in the crack sir, and stash in the snatch sir, and green eggs and ham, so spam I am and I get in my email.  It’s a wobelgotom day of cauliflower memories and wolfblizer verbiage, with multicolored laptops beneath a blue verboten sky.  I don’t know what that means, but as long as my government check clears, why should I give a shit?  I’m awash in a world of hope and change.  Gone is traditional America.  Good luck trying to bring it back.”

Deep thoughts

Deep thoughts

In other news, CNN reported last Thursday that after Vice President Joe Biden told American’s to avoid swine flu by not traveling or going into confined spaces with other people, White House press secretary Robert Gibbs said that Biden meant something else.  “I know what he said, and I am telling you what he meant to say,” Gibbs said.  No word on how the Obama administration feels about a porn platform in the Senate, or storing crack in ones crack, but now that they engage in re-interpreting their own statements on a daily basis, we can expect ongoing conflicting announcements on all subjects, and it’s up to us to perceive any reality we wish, just as long as it favors the Obama administration.  Otherwise, you’re a potential terrorist.  And you don’t want that.

(C) 2009 InebriatedPress.com

Source articles:

Justices Tell Appeals Court to Revisit Super Bowl Incident
http://www.nytimes.com/2009/05/05/business/media/05fcc.html?ref=global-home

Porn star flirts with La. Senate run
http://www.politico.com/news/stories/0509/22007.html

Woman arrested for allegedly smuggling drugs, cash in her private parts
http://www.whas11.com/topstories/stories/whas11-local-090501-ashley-greene.cfd51ea.html

White House apologizes for undue alarm over Biden comments
http://politicalticker.blogs.cnn.com/2009/04/30/white-house-apologizes-for-undue-alarm-over-biden-comments/

Comments Off on Nipplegate Revisited, Porn Star Eyes Senate Run, and Woman Hides Crack in Crack

Filed under Humor, IP News

Donkey ‘Suicide’ Bombers, Sex on the Queens Lawn, and Couple Dodges Tricky Incest Problem

> Detonating Donkey’s Near Soldiers, Latest Tactic in Afghanistan
> Couple Arrested Having Sex on Windsor Castle Lawn
> Brother and Sister Marry, Discover They’re Not Really Related

Inebriated Press
May 4, 2009

Relatives, on your lawn?

Relatives, on your lawn?

The Times Online reported Thursday that the latest “suicide” bombing tactic in Afghanistan, is blowing up donkey’s laden with explosives and tethered on roadsides, when military vehicles pass.  And the Telegraph reported Thursday that a couple was arrested after being caught having sexual intercourse on the Queen’s lawn outside Windsor Castle. Meanwhile, MosNews reported Wednesday that police are looking for a brother and sister who ran away from home and got married after learning that they were not relatives by blood.  Pundits are debating the nature of freedom, sex and death.

Someone named Linda

Someone named Linda

“The couple arrested having sex on the lawn chose to do that, just like the brother and sister who chose to have sex and eventually get married — the blood relationship was learned late in that game, but the choices were still theirs.  But the donkeys that are getting blown to bits are not freely making the choice, so they’re not technically ‘suicide bombers’. Suicide involves the decision to end ones own life and the donkey’s aren’t included in the decision making process,” said Lusty Linda Doubletoe-Loop, an ice skating stripper, who hates the name her parents gave her, but tries to live up to it.  “Freedom to chose who you have sex with and where, and when to blow yourself up and where, are important freedoms that shouldn’t be taken away by the police, the State, or one’s parents.  Freedom to be a donkey mating its cousin and not being blown up, should be that animals right.  And freedom for brothers and sisters to have sex on the lawn at Windsor Castle is also a right that people should have.  Freedom of the individual is a natural right and should not be controlled as though it’s granted by society or a government.  Now if you’ll excuse me, I have a date with my brother and a donkey.  Don’t look at me so strange, this is about freedom.”

Someone named Deidre

Someone named Deidre

Not everyone agrees with Doubletoe-Loop.  “You want to blow up a donkey, blow up a donkey.  Just don’t be blowing up donkey’s that don’t belong to you, or killing people who don’t want to be killed.  And as far as sex between relatives and on the lawns of kings or queens goes, it’s wrong.  At the very least, for genetic reasons you shouldn’t have sex with relations; and for propriety’s sake, let alone the private property issue, you can’t be having sex on other peoples lawns in broad daylight,” said Deidre McMilkshake, a hot Irish dairy executive who thrives on regulatory concepts and other restrictive things, some of which involve leather.  “Individuals have no rights not granted to them by the State or governing authority.  Freedom without restraint is chaos. An orderly society requires restrictions, laws, rules.  Without rule of law, no economy can be developed, and society is mere menagerie.  On a personal level, I’ve found that the tighter and more restrictive I wear my clothes, the more power I have — especially over men.  Silicon properly installed and barely constrained behind leather is like lightening in a bottle.  Like chaos on a leash.  Don’t tell me that harnessed energy can’t be channeled for societies good, and mine too.  Watch me out on a Saturday night if you still have doubts.”

Donkey's are dangerous

Donkey's are dangerous

The Times Online reported that a senior British Army officer and six other military personnel survived attack when a tethered donkey laden with explosives was detonated as their armored vehicle passed in southern Afghanistan. The huge explosion showered the soldier standing on “top cover” out of the Mastiff’s turret with donkey entrails and blood, and the sight was so gruesome that the rest of those in the vehicle thought he had been mortally wounded in the blast. Troops in Afghanistan have been attacked by a boy with a wheelbarrow full of explosives and a bicycle with a bomb attached, but the explosion south of Garmsir in southern Helmand province is thought to be the first using tethered livestock.

Keep off the grassThe Telegraph reported that a couple were arrested after being caught having sexual intercourse on the Queen’s lawn outside Windsor Castle. The pair, in their early thirties, stripped on a private grass bank at the castle, where Her Majesty was in residence. They were watched by crowds of tourists beneath the castle’s Garter Tower, in full view of hotels, pubs and shops over the road. Several Japanese tourists filmed the couple for up to twenty minutes before they were arrested by armed Royal Protection Squad officers. Witness Mark Robinson, 44, said: “One window from the guardroom opened up and when a soldier saw what was going on he told his mates – and lots of windows opened. The couple did not care who was looking and just kept going as if they were in their own bedroom. They even ignored the Please Keep Off The Grass signs.”

Happily married.

Happily married.

MosNews reported that police are looking for the brother and sister who ran away from home and got married after learning that they were not relatives by blood. Their parents, well-off residents of Smolensk city in Central Russia, adopted the boy as a baby when their own daughter was five years old, and never told the son he was adopted. The two seemed to have feelings for each other since childhood. As they grew, the emotional relationship between the brother and sister became obvious to family and friends, and the parents became even more determined not to reveal the truth. Finally, when they were already 20 and 25 years old, the two learned the truth from one of the neighbors, and realized nothing was keeping them apart. When they revealed their intentions to the parents, it provoked a massive row, and the next day they were gone.

She can kick your ass

She can kick your ass

In other news, Associated Press reported Wednesday that Los Angeles County sheriff’s Deputy Michael Rust says a Quartz Hill girl was walking to school April 24 when two men approached her from behind, tried to grab her coat and demanded money. Instead, one got a punch in the nose and the other a kick to the groin. Rust says the girl then beat both of them with her band baton before she ran away. The men had not been caught. But Rust says there’s a clear message to take from the encounter: “The moral to this story is don’t mess with the marching band girls, or you just might get what you deserve.”  No word on how the girl feels about terrorists who blow up donkeys, or couples who have sex on Windsor Castle’s lawn, but she sounds like the type who won’t take shit from anyone, so I’ll bet she has an opinion and it probably makes sense.

(C) 2009 InebriatedPress.com

Source articles:

Donkey ‘suicide’ bombing is latest tactic against patrols
http://www.timesonline.co.uk/tol/news/uk/article6194874.ece

Sex on Queen’s lawn at Windsor Castle
http://www.telegraph.co.uk/news/uknews/5248440/Sex-on-Queens-lawn-at-Windsor-Castle.html

Russian couple happy to find out it’s not incest
http://mosnews.com/society/2009/04/29/incest/

Girl Beats Off Muggers With Marching Band Baton
http://www.theindychannel.com/news/19328026/detail.html

Comments Off on Donkey ‘Suicide’ Bombers, Sex on the Queens Lawn, and Couple Dodges Tricky Incest Problem

Filed under Humor, IP News

U.S. Cyber-Security ‘childlike’, Women Declare Sex-Strike to Protest Government, and a setback for the Church of Orgasm

> Industry experts call U.S. cyber-security “embarrassing”
> Kenyan women begin week-long sex strike to protest country’s leadership
> Swedish court rules Madonna of Orgasm Church unacceptable

 
Inebriated Press
May 1, 2009
 

Cyber security

Cyber security

BBC News reported Wednesday that industry experts say the U.S. governments cyber defenses are “embarrassing” and “childlike”.  They call the system “broken”, and the government admits its “vulnerable to attack”.  And, the San Francisco Chronicle reported Wednesday that thousands of Kenyan women vowed to begin a week-long sex strike to protest their country’s bickering leadership.  Meanwhile, The Local reported Wednesday that the Madonna of Orgasm Church has suffered a disappointing setback following a Swedish court ruling that the church’s name is unacceptable and offensive. Pundits are debating the offensive nature of cyber crime, sex as a weapon, and orgasm as god.
 

Someone named Sandi

Someone named Sandi

“Without question the ease of penetration with which China and Russia have been entering the U.S. power grid, and slipping into the Department of Defense computer system in recent weeks, displays a level of zero will-power on the part of our federal government to get serious about stopping cyber-rapists from getting into the panties of our military and energy systems,” said Sandi Hewlet-Packing, a flesh and blood security analyst and high-tech aficionado, only partially silicon based.  “I’m not big on hyperbole, but this is some serious shit.  If American women have to go on a sex-strike and not let men touch us until the problem is fixed, it’s worth considering.  I know it’ll be especially hard on worshipers of the orgasm as god, but hey, you do what you have to in order to create reasonable change.  Or some bullshit like that.”
 

Someone named Laura

Someone named Laura

Not everyone agrees with Hewlet-Packing.  “So what if some hackers get into the U.S. power grid or defense system, it’s not like they’re screwing up the results of the lottery or American Idol, or something important like that.  You can’t be turning off sex and religion like a light switch; the very idea is just plain wrong,” said Laura Padron-Saint, a cigar smoking misanthrope who’s ideas are often compared favorably to those of a community organizer.  “The American form of government is based on openness, and nothing should hinder anyone from gaining access to or diddling with anything we have.  That’s true of our citizenship, our top secret files, and our dirty underwear.  Now it’s also true that in my personal life I did that for a while and will be on medication for various forms of STD’s for the rest of my life, so I’ve had to slow down a little.  Still it’s a philosophy that I’d like to suggest is really healthy for the country, even if it didn’t work out very well for me personally.”
 
cyber securityBBC News reported that America’s cyber-security has been described as “broken” by one industry expert and as “childlike” by another. Tim Mather, chief strategist for security firm RSA, told BBC News: “The approach we have relied on for years has effectively run out of steam. I think we are seeing a real breaking point in security with consumers, business and even government saying enough, no more. Let’s rethink how we do this because the system is broken.” Alan Paller from security research firm SANS Institute said the government’s cyber defenses were “embarrassing”.  Over the past couple of weeks, the heat has been turned up on the issue of cyber-security following some high profile breaches. One involved the country’s power grid which was said to have been infiltrated by nation states. The government subsequently admitted that it was “vulnerable to attack”. Meanwhile reports during the RSA conference surfaced that spies had hacked into the Joint Strike Fighter Project. The topic is on the radar of politicians, who have introduced a number of bills to address security in the virtual world.

women-strikeThe San Francisco Chronicle reported that thousands of Kenyan women vowed Wednesday to begin a weeklong sex strike to try to protest their country’s bickering leadership, which they say threatens to revive the bloody chaos that convulsed the African country last year. Leaders from Kenya’s largest and oldest group dedicated to women’s rights, the Women’s Development Organization, said they hope the boycott will persuade men to pressure the government to make peace. Eleven women’s groups are participating in the strike. The groups have also called on the wives of President Mwai Kibaki and Prime Minister Raila Odinga to abstain. It was not clear how either wife responded to the request.
 

A religious experience?

A religious experience?

The Local reported that the Madonna of Orgasm Church (Orgasmens Madonnas kyrka) has suffered a disappointing reversal following a Swedish court ruling that the church’s name is unacceptable and offensive. The church’s founder, artist Carlos Bebeacua who resides in Lövestad in southern Sweden, has been fighting a lengthy legal battle in his bid to have the Madonna of Orgasm Church registered as a faith community in Sweden. “The orgasm is God, the orgasm should be worshiped,” Bebeacua told the Kvällsposten newspaper. “The orgasm is the ultimate feeling of lust; it shouldn’t be limited to ejaculation. You can reach it through art or by looking at a landscape and thinking ‘Wow!’” Bebeacua hoped that registering the Madonna of Orgasm Church as a faith community in Sweden would encourage more people to consider the orgasm as God. According to the appeals court, the name of Bebeacua’s Madonna of Orgasm Church “violates what is considered acceptable praxis” and therefore can be denied registration as a faith community. Specifically, the court took issue with juxtaposition of the words “Madonna”, “orgasm”, and “church”.

"I Bite" TIn other news, the Northern Florida Daily News reported that a husband and wife had been drinking at the Swamp nightclub on Okaloosa Island, when the woman became upset with her husband yelled at him, slapped him and then bit him on the right cheek. According to an Okaloosa County Sheriff’s Office arrest report, the deputy saw bloody mucus and skin on the woman’s blouse. The woman’s husband said he shoved her several times in self defense after she slapped him multiple times, the report said. When asked about the bite mark, the man said, “I guess she slapped me.”  No word on whether he thinks U.S. cyber security is “childlike” or if he’d rather his wife went on a sex-strike rather than bite pieces off of him, but maybe if he joins the Church of Orgasm things will start turning around for the poor bastard.

(C) 2009 InebriatedPress.com  

 
Source articles:
 
US cyber-security ’embarrassing’
http://news.bbc.co.uk/2/hi/technology/8023793.stm
 
Kenyan women’s group tells men: Make war? No love
http://www.sfgate.com/cgi-bin/article.cgi?f=/n/a/2009/04/29/international/i084758D26.DTL
 
Court climax premature for Madonna of Orgasm Church
http://www.thelocal.se/19154/20090429/
 
Husband’s flirting provokes wife’s biting
http://www.nwfdailynews.com/news/woman_17013___article.html/husband_report.html

Comments Off on U.S. Cyber-Security ‘childlike’, Women Declare Sex-Strike to Protest Government, and a setback for the Church of Orgasm

Filed under Humor, IP News

Obama’s Touch Kills, IRS Gives Out Wrong Numbers, New Rub-on ‘Viagra’ Invented

> Obama tested for virus after man he touches dies next day
> IRS issues audit notices with wrong telephone contact number
> New erectile drug cures when rubbed on “problem area”

Inebriated Press
April 30, 2009

Up your chances with nanotech

Up your chances with nanotech

The Sun reported Tuesday that President Obama was tested for a virus after a man he shook hands with collapsed and died the next day.  And KING 5 News Seattle reported on Monday that letters issued by the U.S. Internal Revenue Service (IRS) informing citizens that they are being audited contain the wrong telephone number.  Meanwhile, The Telegraph reported that a new anti-impotency drug has been developed that can be “rubbed on the problem area and absorbed directly into the skin”.  Inebriated Reporters are avoiding Obama’s touch and dodging his gaze, while blowing off the IRS and aggressively hunting rub-on sex products.

Pissed off conservative

Pissed off conservative

“Obama’s been called the light bringer by New Age types who believe he’s divinely appointed by nature and evolution to guide the world into a new era of hope and peace, but we know now that his touch is deadly.  People who shake his hand die, nations that accept his economic policies face financial ruin, countries that adopt his foreign policies are weakened and may collapse,” said some pissed off conservative, still clinging to god, guns, individual freedom and the scattered remnants of traditional America.  “We all know that Timothy Geithner the Treasury Secretary and head of the IRS, cheated on his taxes.  No wonder he won’t put the right phone number on audit letters, he doesn’t really want to have to talk to anyone.  I’m just grateful that the medical companies have invented rub-on hard-on products.  I don’t actually need anything like that to get the machinery going, but it sounds like a fun product that’s going to be outselling jelly bean’s.  In this economy, a guy’s got to grab the bright spots where ever he can find them.”

Happy and content Democrat leader Reid

Happy and content Democrat leader Reid

Not everyone agrees with the pissed off conservative.  “Obama was tested for a virus because people were afraid he may have caught something from the walking-dead guy, not the other way around.  And the IRS isn’t good with numbers, that’s the only reason for the phone number problem; it’s not a big deal.  As far as rub-on sexual stimulation and erectile products go, well, I like it.  Strange as it may seem, there are some things that liberals and conservatives can agree on,” said a passing liberal, spinning like a top and throwing tax-payer money in all directions and calling it stimulus and an investment in America’s infrastructure.  “I don’t know about Barack and all the light bringer stuff, but he’s spending our nation’s future today so that has to count for something.  Now go ahead and rub me with some of that stuff.  Let’s see what happens.”

dead-man-shaking-obamas-handThe Sun reported that a man who shook President Barack Obama’s hand in Mexico collapsed and died the next day with swine flu-like symptoms. Archaeologist Felipe Solis, 65, met Mr. Obama, on April 16, three days after the virus emerged. The White House said Monday night Mr. Obama had been tested and was not in danger. The US president said the spread of the disease was a cause for concern “but not a cause for alarm”.

KING 5 News Seattle reported that Carole Bouslaugh from Edmonds got a letter no one wants to receive –   notification of an IRS audit. Shocked by the news, Carole called the agency with the number provided on the letter. “I call it because I want to get this over with,” said Carole. “Then it says, ‘I’m sorry but we can’t complete this call.’ I do it again and I do it again and I go what? It’s totally wrong, totally wrong. So I contacted the IRS using a more reliable method, the phone book.” The agency apologized for the mistake, but wouldn’t admit how many notices were sent out. The number on the notice: 816-897-0177. The correct number for the IRS is 1-800-829-1040. 
 

Tests show it works

Tests show it works

The Telegraph reported that a new generation of anti-impotency drugs that are rubbed into the skin could prove more effective than Viagra, research indicates. Scientists in the United States have successfully tested the new technique – which involves tiny objects called nanoparticles – on rats and believe it could also be used to help humans. Under the therapy, nanoparticles that release the anti-erectile chemical nitric oxide are rubbed on the problem area, and absorbed directly into the skin. Of the seven rats treated by the Albert Einstein College of Medicine in New York, five showed signs of arousal, according to results presented to the American Urological Association (AUA). The new treatment would likely have fewer side effects than Viagra, which is taken orally and been shown to cause headaches and facial flushing. Researchers also believe that the nanoparticle therapy could work much more quickly than Pfizer’s market-leading drug, which takes up to an hour to kick in.

Some people say anything that rubs you the right way should be purchased, invested in and leveraged to the hilt.

Someone named April

Someone named April

“In a free market economy, products and services that people want generate business and profits and are successful.  They don’t need artificial stimulus or government bailouts,” said April Warrm-Flushh, a market analyst and advisor at the Rub-Me Right Lounge and Investment Bank.  “Products or services that are poor or mismanaged fail and should be left to fail, or the companies that own them should use the bankruptcy for reorganization laws that are already in place to manage these situations.  Government intervention distorts the market and harms the successful well-managed firms competing with bad companies being artificially propped up.  On the other hand, if a little rub-on hard-on lube can jump start a successful business or relationship, it’s okay, as long as it remains fundamentally market driven and open to supply and demand factors and honestly interested parties who are legal adults.  I’m a legal adult.  What are you doing later this evening?”

In other news, the Washington Times reported Tuesday that President Obama’s media cheerleaders are hailing how loved he is. But at the 100-day mark of his presidency, Mr. Obama is the second-least-popular president in 40 years. According to Gallup’s April survey, Americans have a lower approval of Mr. Obama at this point than all but one president since Gallup began tracking this in 1969. The only new president less popular was Bill Clinton, who got off to a notoriously bad start after trying to force homosexuals on the military and a federal raid in Waco, Texas, that killed 86. Mr. Obama’s current approval rating of 56 percent is only one tick higher than the 55-percent approval Mr. Clinton had during those crises.

obama montageIt’s no surprise the liberal media aren’t anxious to point out that their darling is less popular than George W. Bush. But given the Gallup numbers, their hurrahs could be more subdued. USA Today’s front page touted the April poll results as positive, with the headline: “Public thinks highly of Obama.” The current cover of Newsweek magazine ponders “The Secret of His [Mr. Obama’s] Success.” The comparison with previous presidents is useful because they are usually popular during their first few months in office – and most presidents have been more popular than Mr. Obama. No word on what lube the media intends to use over the next four years to prop up the perception that Obama is keeping American’s attitudes happily aroused, but it’ll probably be some combination of nanoparticles and wrong telephone numbers.

(C) 2009 InebriatedPress.com

Source articles:

Barack Obama has test for virus
http://www.thesun.co.uk/sol/homepage/news/article2399368.ece?OTC-RSS&ATTR=News

IRS sends out wrong phone number
http://www.king5.com/localnews/getjesse/stories/NW_042709GJB-irs-wrong-phone-number-KC.119b3fa4d.html

Viagra rival ‘can be rubbed directly into skin’
http://www.telegraph.co.uk/news/newstopics/howaboutthat/5225138/Viagra-rival-can-be-rubbed-directly-into-skin.html

EDITORIAL: Barack’s in the basement
Obama is less popular than Nixon and Carter
http://washingtontimes.com/news/2009/apr/28/baracks-in-the-basement/

Comments Off on Obama’s Touch Kills, IRS Gives Out Wrong Numbers, New Rub-on ‘Viagra’ Invented

Filed under Humor, IP News

Fox Snubs Obama, Jets Freak-Out New York, and Jew’s Fire on Muslim Boaters

> Fox TV Network will Skip Obama’s Speech
> Boeing 747 and Fighter Jets Buzz New York City
> Israeli’s on Italian Cruise Ship Fire on Somali Pirates

 
Inebriated Press
April 29, 2009
 
Obama messiahThe Associated Press reported Monday that Fox became the first broadcast network to turn down a request from President Obama for air time.  Other networks have whined about his constant requests, but Fox finally said enough is enough.  And, The New York Times reported Monday that a large U.S. passenger jet trailed by two jet fighters caused panic in New York City when they swooped past office towers rattling windows.  “We ran like hell,” said one worker.  Meanwhile, Fox News reported that an Italian cruise ship fended off a Somali pirate attack when its Israeli security forces exchanged fire with the bandits.  Nine out of ten pets surveyed say things would be going pretty well nowadays, if PETA would just settle down and American’s would return to common sense in government.

Short haired terrier“Woof woof, bark.  Sorry about that, let me translate.  You have a U.S. president who is in the media so much; pretty soon you just blow him off.  It may be his strategy.  And it doesn’t matter if you’re an Israeli or a U.S. Navy SEAL; you blow pirates away when you get the chance, that’s just the right thing to do.  As far as the jets doing low altitude photo-op runs at the Statue of Liberty and towers in New York, you have to tell folks about it well in advance or you’ll scare the shit out of them.  Only the Obama Administration and a bunch of liberals don’t really think 9-11 happened and that there’s no war on terror,” said Barfy the Dog, a short haired terrier who doubles as a U.S. defense contractor and an anti-neuter activist.  “I may only be a small insignificant animal but I used to be named Sparky until the Democrats took control of both the White House and Congress.  Now I’ve been renamed Barfy to reflect the gastrointestinal problems I’ve acquired as a result of the last series of U.S. elections.  Things really aren’t all that bad in the world, what with continued advancement of science and medicine.  But governments are going backwards into socialism and cronyism.  I wouldn’t care if it wasn’t also happening in the U.S.  The greatest nation to appear on earth for the “common man” with more freedom and opportunity is being tossed aside for a system of socialism that has a proven record of failure.  As long as I get my chow and a few doggy treats I’m fine with any form of government, but it’s not that way for humans.  The many end up carrying the few on their backs.  And unemployment, inflation and unhappiness are the results.  Silly human masters.  It’s a sad state of affairs when even the pets know better.”

Someone named Ziggy

Someone named Ziggy

Not everyone agrees with Barfy the Dog.  “Clip that dog now and don’t let him procreate and spread either his genes or ideas to others!  We don’t need that kind of anti liberal-socialist-Democrat rhetoric bandied about by either humans, plants or animals,” said Ziggy Perlman-Nazi-McConnell, an environmentalist and theoretician, whose family heritage keeps him in conflict with himself most of the time, but whose belief system keeps him in lock step with the Obama administration.  “All media and mediums should be reporting every word from the mouth of Barry, the great messiah president.  His teleprompter-inspired talks placate the masses and help us all find oneness in the confusing morass where conservatives continue to raise inconvenient truths about over spending, hyper inflation and Islamofascist risk.  Real freedom loving Americans will want to prosecute government officials and both the military and intelligence communities for keeping the country safe since 9-11, and will want to ban all weapons, anti-liberal verbiage, and pass laws that neuter pets and Republicans.  I may only be one genius among the many Obamanomists whose intellect is so staggering that it is considered pure idiocy by ordinary hard working Americans, but my voice rings out like a wooden spoon hitting a big crock, to be respected and applauded by everyone.  And if it’s not, well, naturally we’ll marginalize them and cut off their nuts.  Sometimes we have to resort to that kind of thing so we can achieve true bipartisanship.”

FOXAssociated Press reported that Fox became the first broadcast network to turn down a request by President Barack Obama for time, opting to show its drama “Lie to Me” on Wednesday instead of the president’s prime-time news conference [note: some report that the president’s speech has a theme similar to the Fox drama]. Fox will direct viewers interested in the news conference to Fox News Channel and the Fox Business Network, which will both carry it. ABC, CBS, NBC, CNN, MSNBC and CNBC are all carrying the 8 p.m. EDT event, on Obama’s 100th day in office. This will be Obama’s third prime-time news conference as president, a schedule that has caused some private grumbling among network executives. Carrying a news conference costs the four broadcast networks an estimated $10 million-plus in lost advertising revenue. Executives at Fox, owned by News Corp., would not comment on the decision. It’s not without precedent for the network; Fox didn’t carry a prime-time speech by President George W. Bush in November 2001 despite a request from the White House. An executive at one of the three other broadcasters, who asked for anonymity because the conversations were private, said that network’s executives had expressed concern to the White House about the frequency of prime-time news conferences and the financial sacrifice they were making in carrying the event. The executive said it was hoped the administration would show more flexibility in working with networks to find the best times to schedule the events.

Surprise!

Surprise!

The New York Times reported that a photo opportunity, showcasing Air Force One alongside the sweep of the New York City skyline, instead caused panic in New York City.  As the low-flying Boeing 747 speeded in the shadows of skyscrapers, trailed by two fighter jets, the sight awakened barely dormant fears of a terrorist attack, causing a momentary panic that sent workers pouring out of buildings on both sides of the Hudson River. “I thought there was some kind of an attack,” said Paul Nadler, who sprinted down more than 20 flights of stairs after watching the plane from his office in Jersey City shortly after 10 a.m. “We ran like hell.” In fact, the blue and white plane with “The United States of America” emblazoned on its side was one of two regularly used by the president. It was soaring above Lower Manhattan, Staten Island and Jersey City so government photographers could take pictures near the Statue of Liberty for publicity purposes. Witnesses described the engine roar as the planes swooped by office towers close enough to rattle the windows and prompt evacuations at scores of buildings. Some sobbed as they made their way to the street.

Flashback

Flashback

“As soon as someone saw how close it got to the buildings, people literally ran out,” said Carlina Rivera, 25, who works at an educational services company on the 22nd floor of 1 Liberty Plaza, adjacent to the site of the Sept. 11, 2001, attack. “Probably about 80 percent of my office left within two minutes of seeing how close it got to our building.” Under federal regulations, in urban areas, airplanes must fly at least 1,000 feet above obstructions like buildings and bridges, and jetliner flights over Manhattan are typically at 8,000 feet or more. And planes do not typically approach local airports by flying low over the harbor. White House and City Hall officials later said that notice of the flight had gone to the director of the city’s event coordination and management office, which handles permits for events like block parties, street fairs and parades. The director, Marc Mugnos, was formally reprimanded for failing to notify his superiors, said a senior city official, who was given anonymity because this was a personnel matter. As the uproar reached Washington, dozens of officials at the White House, the Pentagon and the Department of Transportation rushed to find out who had authorized the flyover. The White House did not issue a statement, or a formal apology, for more than six hours. At first, the White House press secretary, Robert Gibbs, dismissed questions, saying: “You might be surprised to know I don’t know of every movement of Air Force One or what happens to it.” Neither the White House nor the F.A.A. explained why the mission was deemed a secret, even though officials conceded the primary purpose was picture taking.   
 

Israeli Security, Kill or Be Killed

Israeli Security, Kill or Be Killed

Fox News reported that an Italian cruise ship with 1,500 people on board fended off a pirate attack far off the coast of Somalia when its Israeli private security forces exchanged fire with the bandits and drove them away, the commander said Sunday. Cmdr. Ciro Pinto told Italian state radio that six men in a small white speed boat approached the Msc Melody and opened fire Saturday night, but retreated after the Israeli security officers aboard the cruise ship returned fire. None of the roughly 1,000 passengers and 500 crew members were hurt, Melody owner Msc Cruises said in a statement issued by its German branch. Domenico Pellegrino, head of the Italian cruise line, said Msc Cruises hired the Israelis because they were the best trained security agents, the ANSA news agency reported. Civilian shipping and passenger ships have generally avoided arming crewmen or hiring armed security for reasons of safety, liability and compliance with the rules of the different countries where they dock. Cruise line security work is a popular job for young Israelis who have recently been discharged from mandatory army service, as it is a good chance to save money and travel.

Some people say that saving money, traveling and shooting Muslim terrorists is the stuff that dreams are made of.

Someone named Kendra

Someone named Kendra

“If you have to live in a world dominated by pacifists and pirates, getting work in the military or on cruise ships where you can carry weapons and shoot assholes, is like mother’s milk, apple pie and safe sex — for people who are into those things,” said Kendra Strongg-Bod, an ex-Marine and current food safety expert at the Plausible-Contact Strip-Club and Health-Food Store.  “We’re living in an era where there are so many baddies needing to be capped and so few people willing to do it, or allow it to be done, that for those of us who have had the opportunity, it’s like a gift from heaven.  And not only that, we get to send the bastards straight to hell.  It’s as close to a religious experience that I’ve ever had; except for a couple times with this guy I’m seeing.  But that’s a different story.”
 
In other news, U.S. News and World Report reported Tuesday that President Obama urged Americans on Monday to remain calm as the number of US cases of swine flu more than doubled and the World Health Organization raised its pandemic threat level. The President said, “This is obviously a cause for concern and requires a heightened state of alert. But it’s not a cause for alarm.”  Reportedly this was also his reaction to Air Force One diving on the City of New York, the recent pirate hijackings by Somali Muslims, the leaping U.S. deficit now predicted to pass 10 trillion dollars, Al Qaeda and the Taliban nearing control of Pakistan, and his dog Bo crapping on the Oval Office carpeting.  Some TV networks say they’ll just play the clip over-and-over in between commercials during regular programming, to assure American’s that the administration has everything under control.  No word on how PETA feels about it, but who really cares what they think?

© 2009 InebriatedPress.com
 

Related articles:
 
Fox sticking with schedule instead of Obama
http://www.google.com/hostednews/ap/article/ALeqM5jK435kY7g9upVs4XUPjiQFmets6wD97R32700
 
U.S. Jet Frightens New York in Photo-Op Gone Wrong
http://www.nytimes.com/2009/04/28/nyregion/28plane.html?ref=nyregion
 
Italian Cruise Ship Fires on Somali Pirates
http://www.foxnews.com/story/0,2933,517955,00.html
 
U.S. swine flu case numbers rise, more expected
http://uk.reuters.com/article/usTopNews/idUKTRE53P1TK20090428

Comments Off on Fox Snubs Obama, Jets Freak-Out New York, and Jew’s Fire on Muslim Boaters

Filed under Humor, IP News