Tag Archives: incest

Donkey ‘Suicide’ Bombers, Sex on the Queens Lawn, and Couple Dodges Tricky Incest Problem

> Detonating Donkey’s Near Soldiers, Latest Tactic in Afghanistan
> Couple Arrested Having Sex on Windsor Castle Lawn
> Brother and Sister Marry, Discover They’re Not Really Related

Inebriated Press
May 4, 2009

Relatives, on your lawn?

Relatives, on your lawn?

The Times Online reported Thursday that the latest “suicide” bombing tactic in Afghanistan, is blowing up donkey’s laden with explosives and tethered on roadsides, when military vehicles pass.  And the Telegraph reported Thursday that a couple was arrested after being caught having sexual intercourse on the Queen’s lawn outside Windsor Castle. Meanwhile, MosNews reported Wednesday that police are looking for a brother and sister who ran away from home and got married after learning that they were not relatives by blood.  Pundits are debating the nature of freedom, sex and death.

Someone named Linda

Someone named Linda

“The couple arrested having sex on the lawn chose to do that, just like the brother and sister who chose to have sex and eventually get married — the blood relationship was learned late in that game, but the choices were still theirs.  But the donkeys that are getting blown to bits are not freely making the choice, so they’re not technically ‘suicide bombers’. Suicide involves the decision to end ones own life and the donkey’s aren’t included in the decision making process,” said Lusty Linda Doubletoe-Loop, an ice skating stripper, who hates the name her parents gave her, but tries to live up to it.  “Freedom to chose who you have sex with and where, and when to blow yourself up and where, are important freedoms that shouldn’t be taken away by the police, the State, or one’s parents.  Freedom to be a donkey mating its cousin and not being blown up, should be that animals right.  And freedom for brothers and sisters to have sex on the lawn at Windsor Castle is also a right that people should have.  Freedom of the individual is a natural right and should not be controlled as though it’s granted by society or a government.  Now if you’ll excuse me, I have a date with my brother and a donkey.  Don’t look at me so strange, this is about freedom.”

Someone named Deidre

Someone named Deidre

Not everyone agrees with Doubletoe-Loop.  “You want to blow up a donkey, blow up a donkey.  Just don’t be blowing up donkey’s that don’t belong to you, or killing people who don’t want to be killed.  And as far as sex between relatives and on the lawns of kings or queens goes, it’s wrong.  At the very least, for genetic reasons you shouldn’t have sex with relations; and for propriety’s sake, let alone the private property issue, you can’t be having sex on other peoples lawns in broad daylight,” said Deidre McMilkshake, a hot Irish dairy executive who thrives on regulatory concepts and other restrictive things, some of which involve leather.  “Individuals have no rights not granted to them by the State or governing authority.  Freedom without restraint is chaos. An orderly society requires restrictions, laws, rules.  Without rule of law, no economy can be developed, and society is mere menagerie.  On a personal level, I’ve found that the tighter and more restrictive I wear my clothes, the more power I have — especially over men.  Silicon properly installed and barely constrained behind leather is like lightening in a bottle.  Like chaos on a leash.  Don’t tell me that harnessed energy can’t be channeled for societies good, and mine too.  Watch me out on a Saturday night if you still have doubts.”

Donkey's are dangerous

Donkey's are dangerous

The Times Online reported that a senior British Army officer and six other military personnel survived attack when a tethered donkey laden with explosives was detonated as their armored vehicle passed in southern Afghanistan. The huge explosion showered the soldier standing on “top cover” out of the Mastiff’s turret with donkey entrails and blood, and the sight was so gruesome that the rest of those in the vehicle thought he had been mortally wounded in the blast. Troops in Afghanistan have been attacked by a boy with a wheelbarrow full of explosives and a bicycle with a bomb attached, but the explosion south of Garmsir in southern Helmand province is thought to be the first using tethered livestock.

Keep off the grassThe Telegraph reported that a couple were arrested after being caught having sexual intercourse on the Queen’s lawn outside Windsor Castle. The pair, in their early thirties, stripped on a private grass bank at the castle, where Her Majesty was in residence. They were watched by crowds of tourists beneath the castle’s Garter Tower, in full view of hotels, pubs and shops over the road. Several Japanese tourists filmed the couple for up to twenty minutes before they were arrested by armed Royal Protection Squad officers. Witness Mark Robinson, 44, said: “One window from the guardroom opened up and when a soldier saw what was going on he told his mates – and lots of windows opened. The couple did not care who was looking and just kept going as if they were in their own bedroom. They even ignored the Please Keep Off The Grass signs.”

Happily married.

Happily married.

MosNews reported that police are looking for the brother and sister who ran away from home and got married after learning that they were not relatives by blood. Their parents, well-off residents of Smolensk city in Central Russia, adopted the boy as a baby when their own daughter was five years old, and never told the son he was adopted. The two seemed to have feelings for each other since childhood. As they grew, the emotional relationship between the brother and sister became obvious to family and friends, and the parents became even more determined not to reveal the truth. Finally, when they were already 20 and 25 years old, the two learned the truth from one of the neighbors, and realized nothing was keeping them apart. When they revealed their intentions to the parents, it provoked a massive row, and the next day they were gone.

She can kick your ass

She can kick your ass

In other news, Associated Press reported Wednesday that Los Angeles County sheriff’s Deputy Michael Rust says a Quartz Hill girl was walking to school April 24 when two men approached her from behind, tried to grab her coat and demanded money. Instead, one got a punch in the nose and the other a kick to the groin. Rust says the girl then beat both of them with her band baton before she ran away. The men had not been caught. But Rust says there’s a clear message to take from the encounter: “The moral to this story is don’t mess with the marching band girls, or you just might get what you deserve.”  No word on how the girl feels about terrorists who blow up donkeys, or couples who have sex on Windsor Castle’s lawn, but she sounds like the type who won’t take shit from anyone, so I’ll bet she has an opinion and it probably makes sense.

(C) 2009 InebriatedPress.com

Source articles:

Donkey ‘suicide’ bombing is latest tactic against patrols
http://www.timesonline.co.uk/tol/news/uk/article6194874.ece

Sex on Queen’s lawn at Windsor Castle
http://www.telegraph.co.uk/news/uknews/5248440/Sex-on-Queens-lawn-at-Windsor-Castle.html

Russian couple happy to find out it’s not incest
http://mosnews.com/society/2009/04/29/incest/

Girl Beats Off Muggers With Marching Band Baton
http://www.theindychannel.com/news/19328026/detail.html

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Filed under Humor, IP News

Killer Erections and Legalized Incest

> Brazilian spider bite gives men erections, then they die
> Romania considers legalizing incest
.
Inebriated Press
March 23, 2009
Erectile issues or spider bites?

Erectile issues or spider bites?

Fox News reported Friday that a Brazilian wandering spider was discovered in a bunch of bananas from Honduras at a Whole Foods Market in Tulsa, Oklahoma.  University of Tulsa animal facilities director Terry Childs said a bite from the spider will kill a person in about 25 minutes.  Researchers have also found its venom stimulates an hours-long erection in men.  Meanwhile, Associated Press reported Saturday that Romania is considering decriminalizing incest among consenting adults as part of a wide range of reforms to the country’s criminal code. Some twisted bastards say they’d do anything for a killer erection and sex with some kids.

Monica

Monica

“In today’s advanced world of high society and low ethics it’s important that it’s legal to have sex with your own or other people’s children, and have great erections or die trying,” said Roy Radow, a principal member of the North American Man/Boy Love Association (NAMBLA) and all around sick bastard. “There should be sexual freedom for all people and that includes legalization of incest, rape and murder. All ethics are subjective anyway and adults should be able to do anything they want, not only people who have government power. Bill Clinton did whatever he wanted to with Monica, Hitler did whatever he wanted to do with the Jews, and Barack Obama just does whatever he wants with the United States.  There’s no point in thinking that anything is actually criminal, immoral or stupid.  And Rule of Law is just a bothersome invention.  The legal AIG contracts that the government wants broken prove that.” 

Someone named Tammy

Someone named Tammy

Not everyone agrees with the sick bastard.  “Society is gradually slipping into a combination of idiocy, degredation and downright foolishness.  The idea that sex with children should be legalized, is wrong on so many levels it makes me sick,” said Tammy Tonsel-Niterain, a healthy medical doctor occasionally nausiated by societal trends and Obama’s healthcare plan. “One can only hope that the perpetrators of these schemes get bit by Brazilian spiders and die … with or without errections. And that Obama’s plans to undo the best healthcare system in the world dies too.  I’m not saying healthcare isn’t expensive and in need of some work, but to convert it to a system that has already failed is like intentially getting spider bites for great errrections with the guarentee that by the time you’ve got one you’re dead. Only complete morons would do it.”

Whole Foods

Whole Foods

Fox News reported that an employee of Whole Foods Market in Tulsa discovered what an expert said was a Brazilian wandering spider in a bunch of bananas from Honduras and managed to catch it in a container. The spider was given to University of Tulsa animal facilities director Terry Childs, who identified the arachnid and said that type of spider is one of the most lethal in the world. Childs said a bite will kill a person in about 25 minutes, and while there is an antidote, he doesn’t know of any in the Tulsa area.

Erection making killer spider

Erection making killer spider

Researchers have found its venom also stimulates an hours-long erection in men. Patients not only experience overall pain and an increase in blood pressure, they also get an uncomfortable erection. In Brazil, emergency room staff can immediately spot the victims of a bite. “The erection is a side effect that everybody who gets stung by this spider will experience along with the pain and discomfort,” said study team member Romulo Leite of the Medical College of Georgia, presumably speaking only about male bite victims. “We’re hoping eventually this will end up in the development of real drugs for the treatment of erectile dysfunction.”

Spiders often are found in imported produce. A manager at Whole Foods says the store regularly checks its goods and that’s how the spider was found.

Associated Press reported that surprising as it may seem, incest is not always a crime in Europe. Three European Union nations — France, Spain and Portugal — do not prosecute consenting adults for incest, and Romania is considering following suit.

Fritzl "Sick Bastard" & Daughter Elisabeth

Fritzl "Sick Bastard" & Daughter Elisabeth

The shocking case of Austrian Josef Fritzl, found guilty last week of holding his daughter captive for 24 years and fathering her seven children, has focused new attention on incest — which is a crime in itself in Austria even if the acts are consensual. But in the Fritzl case it was in connection with rape, homicide and other charges that led to a sentence of life in a secure psychiatric ward.

Laws exempting parents, grandparents, brothers and sisters from prosecution for incestuous acts if they are not forced upon adult family members are decades old in France, Spain and Portugal. In Romania, decriminalizing incest among consenting adults is being considered as part of a wide range of reforms to the country’s criminal code.

“Not everything that is immoral has to be illegal,” said Justice Ministry legal expert Valerian Cioclei. No date has been set yet for a parliament vote on the bill, and opposition to the proposal is fervent even among some lawmakers in the ruling coalition.

Some people say, when you destroy lives it makes the world better.

Himmler, misunderstood Nazi

Himmler, misunderstood Nazi

“Life should be hard and abuse of all kinds is natural, it comes from nature and the deep depraved resesses of the human psychye, and as such should be praised, celebrated and appreciated,” said Heinrich Himmler, a Nazi whose concentration camps were often mistaken for extermination camps, when they were really intended to improve the human race by eliminating the sick, weak and undesirable.  “Immoral acts don’t need to be illegal, that is a great truth.  I was critisized for immoral acts that some claimed to be illegal.  Before I committed suicide after my arrest, I was a creative scientific mind being attacked for my beliefs.  Some western cultures can be so intollerant.  Good thing the Islamofaschists are on the march.  I don’t necessarily like their religion but I love their tactics.  Kind of makes me wish I was alive again so I could help them out.  That and being in Hell like I am is kind of a drag.”

Dr. Aggarwal

Dr. Aggarwal

In other news, the UK Daily Mail reported last week that a family doctor prescribed a ‘good screw’ to a woman who was suffering from panic attacks, a court heard during testimony. Dr Rajinder Aggarwal, 54, also allegedly gave unnecessary intimate examinations, smacked patients on the bottom and questioned them about their favourite sexual positions. Four women, aged between 26 and 53, have lodged complaints about Aggarwal’s conduct in December 2006 and January 2007. No word on whether the doctor also advocated sex with kids or the use of spiders to get quick hard-ons, but the case isn’t over yet.

(C) 2009 InebriatedPress.com

Source documents:

‘World’s Deadliest Spider’ Found in Whole Foods Produce Section
http://www.foxnews.com/story/0,2933,509876,00.html

North American Man/Boy Love Association, From Wikipedia, the free encyclopedia
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/NAMBLA

Romania weighs decriminalizing consensual incest
http://news.yahoo.com/s/ap/20090321/ap_on_re_eu/eu_europe_incest

Doctor smacked bottoms and quizzed women about sex, court hears
http://www.dailymail.co.uk/news/article-1162682/Doctor-smacked-bottoms-quizzed-women-sex-court-hears.html

Heinrich Himmler, From Wikipedia, the free encyclopedia
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Heinrich_Himmler

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Filed under Division of Rant (with Pretzels), Humor