Tag Archives: inflation

Rustlers steal Queen’s Cattle, Obama more Left than Chavez, and Mafia ruins Teen’s Shopping Spree

> Cattle Rustlers Stole Cows from Queen Elizabeth’s estate
> Venezuela’s Chavez says “Comrade” Obama’s Nationalization of GM Makes Him the Most Left-Wing
> Girls use Mafia to crack parents safe, worked, but not quite as hoped

Inebriated Press
June 5, 2009

Got a safe on ya?  You're not Mafia, right?

Got a safe on ya? You're not Mafia, right?

Reuters reported on Wednesday that cattle rustlers stole prized cattle from an English estate of Queen Elizabeth that were being fattened for the royal table.  And, Reuters reported Tuesday that Venezuela’s President Hugo Chavez says he and Cuban leader Fidel Castro are more conservative than U.S. President Obama, as Barack prepares to nationalize General Motors Corporation.  Meanwhile, Sweden’s The Local reported on Wednesday that two teenage girls who took the family safe to finance a day of shopping, asked a mafia guy to break it open for them.  They never saw it again.  Pundits are contemplating the ethical and practical implications of cattle rustling, nationalization of industry and ripping off your parents. 

Someone named Honey

Someone named Honey

“All’s fair in love, war, politics and elementary physics … as well as cattle rustling, robbing your own parents and other stuff if you can get away with it,” said Honey Sukle-Kreme, a candy store manager and part-time stripper down at the Sweet and Sassy Beer and Haircare Shoppe.  “There aren’t any real rights or wrongs, I think that’s been established by the theory of relativity and the Woodstock music festival, so we really should just move on.  I mean, some people still get hung up on the idea that stealing someone’s cattle, or over-taxing the middle class, or even nationalizing major industries because you can — is wrong or something.  It’s nothing of the kind.  If you have the power and the will to do any of those things, then you do it if you want to.  It’s basic evolutionary theory — survival of the fittest.  If I’m stronger than you I can take your stuff, whether you’re my parents, the queen, or private enterprise.  If you don’t like it, suck it, there’s nothing you can do.  I’d talk about this more, but my car is parked outside and the meter is about to expire.  If I don’t put some money in it I’ll have to pay a fine.  Why the damn meter officials don’t grasp the reality of relativity and Woodstock, and forget about giving me tickets I just don’t know.  Obama will fix that one of these days.  He’s a fixer kind of guy from Chicago you know.”

Someone named Wanda

Someone named Wanda

Not everyone exudes the same nectar as Sukle-Kreme.  “Holy crap, rustlers ripped off the queen and Obama is ripping off private enterprise, that’s some crazy shit.  Now the mafia ripping off some stupid girls is no biggy, what did the girls expect — they’ve never watched any mafia movies or something?  On the other hand American’s have had to have seen a few socialists, at least in history class, and should have known what Obama the community organizer was up to.  Sometimes people come face to face with their own stupidity and just smile and wave,” said Wanda Silikon-Basil, a buxom gardener known for her uncommon genius — mainly with fertilizer and bustiers.  “I tend to be pretty easy going and am pretty much an optimist, but I’m worried about whether the Queen is going to have enough beef to get her through the winter.  She’s getting along in age and it’s important that she gets enough protein.  As far as the U.S. goes with nationalization of industry, I could worry about that too, but the voters chose a one-term Senator whose only experience was in community organizing, and he’s never run a business or government — so the Americans are getting what they asked for.  You vote like a dumb shit and you get that kind of governance.  Stupid is as stupid does.  I’m not staying awake nights worrying about an idiotic decision like that.”

Queen Liz: Where's my beef?

Queen Liz: Where's my beef?

Reuters reported that cattle rustlers stole prized cows and bulls from an English country estate of Queen Elizabeth that were being fattened up for the royal dining table. Tony Barratt, the farmer in charge of some 300 livestock on the British queen’s Sandringham estate in southeastern England, told Reuters on Wednesday that police were investigating the disappearance of the cattle over the last week and said they had probably been illegally slaughtered by now. “It makes me so angry because this is beef which is enjoyed by the queen herself,” said Barratt.

Comrades Obama and Chavez

Comrades Obama and Chavez

Reuters reported that Venezuela’s President Hugo Chavez said on Tuesday that he and Cuban ally Fidel Castro risk being more conservative than U.S. President Barack Obama as Washington prepares to take control of General Motors Corp. During one of Chavez’s customary lectures on the “curse” of capitalism and the bonanzas of socialism, the Venezuelan leader made reference to GM’s bankruptcy filing, which is expected to give the U.S. government a 60 percent stake in the 100-year-old former symbol of American might. “Hey, Obama has just nationalized nothing more and nothing less than General Motors. Comrade Obama! Fidel, careful or we are going to end up to his right,” Chavez joked on a live television broadcast. Chavez, a vehement critic of the U.S. “empire,” has toned down his rhetoric since Obama took office in January. Obama and the federal government will take control of GM after a $30 billion injection of taxpayer funds.

Two Swedish girls

Two Swedish girls

The Local reported that two Swedish teenage girls who took a family safe to finance a day of shopping allege their plans were spoiled when they inadvertently handed the safe over to someone with ties to the mob. In order to pay for a joyride and accompanying shopping spree, the girls stole a safe containing 10,000 kronor ($1,300) in cash which belonged to the father of one of the girls. The girls stuffed the safe in a bag and headed to Malmö where they met up with a male acquaintance of one of the girls who was supposed to help them crack open the safe. But the acquaintance told the girls he lacked the right tools to open the safe, and instead had to hand it over to someone else. According to the girls, they never saw the safe again and allege it ended up in the hands of the mafia.
 

Ah shit, I should have spoken up earlier ...

Ah shit, I should have spoken up earlier ...

In other news, Bloomberg reported Wednesday that Federal Reserve Chairman Ben S. Bernanke said large U.S. budget deficits threaten financial stability and the government can’t continue indefinitely to borrow at the current rate to finance the shortfall. The Fed chief said in his remarks to the House Budget Committee that deficit concerns are already influencing the prices of long-term Treasuries. The budget deficit this year is projected to reach $1.85 trillion, equivalent to 13 percent of the nation’s economy, according to the nonpartisan Congressional Budget Office. “Either cuts in spending or increases in taxes will be necessary to stabilize the fiscal situation,” Bernanke said. This year’s projected budget deficit is four times the size of last year’s shortfall. Wisconsin Representative Paul Ryan, the ranking Republican on the committee, said that the Treasury’s debt issuance and the Fed’s monetary stimulus, including purchases of government bonds, “can be a dangerous policy mix” and risks “runaway inflation” in the longer term.  No word on how Bernanke feels about stealing the Queens cattle, nationalizing industry or ripping off his parents, but I don’t give a shit about that. What I want to know is where the hell this guy’s been while Obama and the Democrats have been spending all of our money — and half of the next generations.  But maybe people really do come face to face with their own stupidity and just smile and wave.  At least he’s finally pulled his head out of his ass.  Now we’ll see if anyone else does.

(C) 2009 IebriatedPress.com

Source articles:

Where’s the beef? Rustlers stole it your majesty
http://news.yahoo.com/s/nm/20090603/lf_nm_life/us_britain_royal_beef_1

Venezuela Chavez says “Comrade” Obama more left-wing
http://www.reuters.com/article/ObamaEconomy/idUSTRE5520GX20090603?feedType=RSS&feedName=ObamaEconomy&virtualBrandChannel=10441

‘Mafia’ ruined Swedish teens’ shopping spree
http://www.thelocal.se/19838/

Bernanke Warns Deficits Threaten Financial Stability
http://www.bloomberg.com/apps/news?pid=20601087&sid=ahrOZ.gd85yc

Comments Off on Rustlers steal Queen’s Cattle, Obama more Left than Chavez, and Mafia ruins Teen’s Shopping Spree

Filed under Humor, IP News

Microsoft puts Porn in Motion, Chinese Laugh at U.S. Treasury Secretary, and Inmate Escapes new “Anti-Prison” on Day One

> Microsoft’s New Search Engine Puts Mouse-Over Motion in Porn Searches
> Chinese Students Burst Out Laughing During Geithner Speech on Strength of US Dollar
> New $45 Million Warm-Fuzzy Prison has Break-Out First Day It’s Open

Inebriated Press
June 4, 2009

Giving the kids what they've been looking for.

Giving the kids what they've been looking for.

Fox News reported on Tuesday that Bing, Microsoft’s new search engine that went live over the weekend, allows anyone — of any age — to mouse over explicit porn videos on a search page and play them without leaving the search engine or going to the actual website.  Internet safety experts say it’s an easy way for kids to beat “nanny software” designed to keep them from viewing Internet porn.  And Reuters reported on Monday that students at Peking University broke into laughter when U.S. Treasury Secretary Timothy Geithner told them that all of China’s U.S. dollar and bond investments were safe; and that there is no fear of inflation.  Meanwhile, NBC Washington reported Monday that a new prison called the “New Beginnings Youth Center” is described as an “anti-prison” because it’s not as harsh and rigid as a traditional prison.  In fact it’s so friendly that the first day it was open an inmate escaped.  Pundits are debating the strength of U.S. monetary policy, new user-friendly prisons, and Microsoft’s new pro-porn initiative. 

Someone named Celeste

Someone named Celeste

“It seems to me that living an illusion followed by capitulation on any issue is the political and social trend of this new age. It’s being used extensively by the Obama administration and being emulated in other areas of American life and culture.  Just as the Obama’s Treasury pretends that creating a $12 trillion dollar deficit by printing money hand-over-fist won’t create inflation, and eventually will give in to harsh reality and do anything China tells us to do; so too, we create the illusion of prison security and let inmates escape the first day of operation, and just give in to the power of criminal rights over those of the innocent,” said Celeste Milky-Wayy, a proctologist who would rather be an astronomer, but likes her current wage scale better.  “You can see more evidence of that in Microsoft’s new pro-porn web browser that allows anyone running a web search who turns up a porn video, to view it and listen to it by  merely mousing over the image.  Basically it’s Microsoft’s way of saying ‘what the hell, the kids will view porn anyway, maybe they’ll like us and use more of our products if we enable them’.  I’m sure that the hit count on bing.com went through the roof when kids paused sexting long enough to let their friends all know about the Microsoft’s new web search feature.  Apparently the hope and change that Obama is bringing is capitulation to all of our desires for free cash, no inflation, easy-to access porn and on-demand prison exits.  Looks like only the Chinese know such logic is completely crazy.”

Someone named Janice

Someone named Janice

Not everyone sees it the way Milky-Wayy does.  “President Obama saved our ass after the terrible Bush years that were spent wastefully by protecting us from radical Muslims and other silly crap,” said Janice Janice-Janice, an unemployed bartender who likes things in threes.  “The U.S. is on sound financial footing thanks to massive government spending, and the prison inmates will all behave better if they can leave the facility to see a movie or rob a convenience store from time to time — our country is all about freedom and rights you know.  And kids of any age should be allowed to view porn if they want to, so they learn what they should be doing.  If they don’t learn about this stuff we’ll be wasting all the condoms we’re handing out in elementary school, and the birth control patches we’re giving 11-year-old girls.  Unfettered freedom for children, criminals and the federal government is best for America.  The only other thing we need to do to make sure it all works, is get the conservatives to shut up and bust their ass and provide the goods and services that the rest of us need.  It’s what they like to do anyway, so why not let them?  Better still, MAKE them.  Barack can’t change America if things remain the same.” 

bing.com

bing.com

Fox News reported that your kids may get a bang out of Bing — and that’s not a good thing, Internet safety experts warned on Monday. Bing, Microsoft’s new search engine (www.bing.com), went live in the U.S. this weekend, aiming to challenge and possibly unseat industry titan Google. But bloggers and Internet safety experts quickly discovered that one of Bing’s “features” is that it takes only a few clicks for anyone — of any age — to view explicit pornographic videos without even leaving the search engine. In its bid to beat Google, Microsoft has unveiled a slate of convenient features for Bing, including an “autoplay” tool that lets users preview videos simply by hovering a mouse over them. That asset may become a liability, because users can get a taste of porn videos on Bing instead of having to go to a smutty Web site — an innovation other search engines have yet to offer. Technology blogger Loic Le Meur noticed the issue early Monday after testing video search on Bing. What he found was a cornucopia of pornography that he said transformed the search engine into its very own pornographic Web site. “You are now on a porn site without leaving Bing. Amazing,” Le Meur wrote on his blog.

Geithner: No worries! Trust me ... er ... who's laughing? Everyone?

Geithner: No worries! Trust me ... er ... who's laughing? Everyone?

Reuters reported that U.S. Treasury Secretary Timothy Geithner on Monday reassured the Chinese government that its huge holdings of dollar assets are safe and reaffirmed his faith in a strong U.S. currency. A major goal of Geithner’s maiden visit to China as Treasury chief is to allay concerns that Washington’s bulging budget deficit and ultra-loose monetary policy will fan inflation, undermining both the dollar and U.S. bonds. “Chinese assets are very safe,” Geithner said in response to a question after a speech at Peking University, where he studied Chinese as a student in the 1980s. His answer drew loud laughter from his student audience, reflecting skepticism in China about the wisdom of a developing country accumulating a vast stockpile of foreign reserves instead of spending the money to raise living standards at home. China is the biggest foreign owner of U.S. Treasury bonds. U.S. data shows that it held $768 billion in Treasuries as of March, but some analysts believe China’s total U.S. dollar-denominated investments could be twice as high. The Beijing-based Global Times greeted Geithner by publishing a survey of Chinese economists who called big holdings of U.S. debt “risky.” Geithner also offered strong backing for a bigger Chinese role in international policymaking.

New anti-prison, or not, maybe ...

New anti-prison, or not, maybe ...

NBC Washington reported that a youth escaped Saturday from the New Beginnings Youth Center in Laurel, Md. — embarrassing the $45 million juvenile facility that just opened on Friday. The New Beginnings Youth Center in Laurel, Md., was described as an “anti-prison” in many of the warm and fuzzy stories written about it leading up to its opening on Friday. On Saturday the kid escaped by scaling a fence. It appears officials knew that fencing would be a problem, according to the Washington Post. The old Oak Hill facility had razor wire on its fence, but that wasn’t part of the new home. It turned out to be a bad move. A day before the facility opened, Schiraldi and David Muhammad, chief of committed services, said they had brought in young men to try to scale the fences and made modifications based on what they observed. Schiraldi said he planned to place prickly shrubbery, possibly rose bushes, near the fence so inmates would not be tempted to flee. Prickly shrubbery? Something tells us the kids in this facility have seen far worse in their lives than a little prickly shrubbery. So after Saturday’s escape, razor wire was added to the new facility’s fence. So much for the anti-prison.

Must be a mistake, no one can snort this!?

Must be a mistake, no one can snort this!?

In other news, Fox News reported Tuesday that two suitcases carried by a woman who was about to fly from Chile to Spain were virtually made of cocaine, police said. Detective Leandro Morales at the Santiago airport said the drug “was not hidden in the luggage. This time the suitcases were the drug.” The suitcases were made of a substance combining cocaine with resin and glass fiber, Morales told The Associated Press. A “chemical process” could be used to separate out the drug, Morales said, adding that the suitcases were heavier than their contents. The 26-year-old Argentine woman was arrested. No word on how the woman feels about the likelihood of U.S. inflation or mouse-over web porn, but I’ll bet  if she’s sent to lock-down, she’ll happily sign-up for the anti-prison prison.  Unless those prickly rose bushes make her nervous.

(C) 2009 InebriatedPress.com

Source articles:

Microsoft’s New Search Engine Puts Porn in Motion
http://www.foxnews.com/story/0,2933,524019,00.html

Chinese students laugh at Geithner’s assurances (about Dollar)
http://www.freerepublic.com/focus/news/2262284/posts

Inmate Escapes Day After “Anti-Prison” Opens
http://www.nbcwashington.com/news/local/So-Much-for-the-Anti-Prison.html

Chile Police Discover Suitcases Made of Cocaine
http://www.foxnews.com/story/0,2933,524537,00.html

Comments Off on Microsoft puts Porn in Motion, Chinese Laugh at U.S. Treasury Secretary, and Inmate Escapes new “Anti-Prison” on Day One

Filed under Humor, Imbibers' Choice