Tag Archives: intelligence

CIA spying on Brit’s, Old women hold guns on young men, and A big ass is the key to good health

> CIA is monitoring 4,000 UK terrorist suspects
> Seventy-year-old woman holds home intruder at gunpoint; had a gun and knew how to use it
> Buttock and hip fat may protect women against type 2 diabetes
  

Inebriated Press
January 8, 2009

090108-cia-seal1Australia’s The Age reported Monday that the CIA has begun an intelligence-gathering operation in Britain to help MI5 monitor 4000 terrorist suspects. The article said that over four out of ten CIA operations to prevent attacks on U.S. soil are now conducted against targets in Britain. And WNDU-TV Southbend, Indiana reported Sunday that a 70-year-old woman held a gun on a 28-year-old burglar and threatened to shoot him if he moved, while they waited for police to arrive and arrest him.  Meanwhile, Australia’s Courier-Mail reported Monday that even though most women don’t want a big ass, new research shows that the fat may be protecting them from disease by releasing certain hormones.  Pundits are debating the benefits of spies, big asses and women with guns.

Guns, ass and intel. Hooah!
Guns, ass and intel. Hooah!

“I don’t know much about diabetes or terrorism, but I’ll tell you straight up that my quality of life improved like gangbusters when I started spying on big-assed women carrying guns, that’s for sure,” said Clyde Barlow-Nife, a sharp dresser and part-time hooligan, caught living during an age when terrorists are in vogue and hooligan’s are out of fashion. “I was never much into voyeurism in my younger days, I was more of a doer then.  As I got older I came to enjoy the more relaxed approach of just spying on people.  Hot women with big T and A’s packing heat are the most interesting.  Not sure what I’d do if one of them caught me or I caught one of them.  Still, we’d probably figure something out.”

Some people are completely confused by Barlow-Nife.  “I have no clue what Clyde’s talking about.  I do know this: the CIA needs to spy on terrorists where ever they are and root out risks to this country — and that’s true whether Obama and Panetta think so or not.  And all women should carry guns for their own defense, and if having a big ass is healthy, I’m in prime condition,” said Mary-Lou Pye, a pastry baker and part-time small arms dealer, who enjoys playing with whips and chains when she’s not baking or shooting stuff.  “I’ve got so much heat packed on my hips that no terrorist, burglar or bungler will take me down easily.  You think a bakery oven is hot, you haven’t seen me in an apron.”

Packing heat.
Packing heat.

The Age reported that the CIA has begun an unprecedented intelligence-gathering operation in Britain to help MI5 monitor 4000 terrorist suspects. More than four out of 10 CIA operations to prevent attacks on US soil are now conducted against targets in Britain. This has led to friction between British and American spies, with some US intelligence officers irritated that resources are being diverted to gather intelligence on suspects in their closest ally’s backyard. British intelligence officers do not know the identity of all the CIA informers and are uneasy about some of the uses to which the intelligence has been put. MI5 as a whole is glad of the help, however, and works closely with its sister service. US spies share information when it concerns security in Britain.

Intelligence from CIA informers is believed to have helped thwart more than one terrorist atrocity on British soil. Information passed on by a CIA source in Britain was also instrumental in locating Rashid Rauf, a British-born al-Qaeda operative killed by a US air strike in Pakistan on November 22. A former CIA officer who still carries out freelance work for the agency voiced the irritation of some American spies. “It’s certainly frustrating that Britain is an Islamist swamp,” he said. “You don’t want to have to spend time spying on your friends.” MI5 director-general Jonathan Evans has estimated about 4000 people in Britain pose a direct threat to national security.

Cyrus Brown, Crook
Cyrus Brown, Crook

WNDU-TV reported that a 70-year-old woman named Sandra — she asked that her last name not be used — held an intruder who broke into her home at gunpoint until police arrived. That man is 28-year-old Cyrus Brown. Brown is being held in jail on a number of charges, including burglary and intimidation. It was all started about nine o’clock Sunday night. Sandra says she was in the midst of splitting wood for her fire and making vegetable soup, when she heard a ruckus outside.

“All of a sudden, I’m hearing fast footsteps around my yard, around my deck,” says Sandra. That’s when she says she grabbed her gun and called 911. Moments later– the intruder– Cyrus Brown, broke through her back patio door, pushing his way through the glass. “Immediately, I felt there was danger because he was so desperate,” explains the 70-year-old. “He’s in the kitchen by the stove, I told him to get down on the floor. I said if you come any closer to me, I will shoot you to kill. I told him to sit down, don’t move, and I want to see your hands at all times,” adds Sandra. Newscenter 16 obtained the 911 call that Sandra made. In the background, you can hear her demanding the suspect get down.

Hunting for something, shooting at birds
Hunting for something, shooting at birds

911 call:
Dispatch: “Ma’am, where is he at in the house?”
Sandra: “Get, get, get! You have more to fear from me!”

911 call:
Dispatch: “Ma’am, are you holding him at gunpoint?”
Sandra: “Yes, I am. And if he moves towards me, I’m afraid I’m going to have to kill. I don’t want to have to kill him.”

In that moment, Sandra says she was glad she had a gun and knew how to use it– just in case. Sandra is a mother of three and has several grandchildren. She says she hopes others can learn from her story and think about protecting themselves.

The Courier-Mail reported that fat bottoms are the bane of many women but scientists believe oversized rears are a sign a woman’s health has not gone pear-shaped. New research, published in the journal Cell Metabolism, suggests the fat responsible for producing the pear shape flaunted by celebrities such as Jennifer Lopez and Beyonce may be active in protecting women from diseases by releasing certain hormones. Buttock and hip fat may protect women against type 2 diabetes, from which more than 1.7 million Australians now suffer, researchers from the Harvard Medical School found.

Beyonce, the pinnacle of health.
Beyonce, the pinnacle of health.

Researcher Dr Ronald Kahn insisted that not all fat was bad for health. “The surprising thing was that it wasn’t where the fat was located, it was the kind of fat that was the most important variable,” he said. “Even more surprising, it wasn’t that abdominal fat was exerting negative effects but that subcutaneous fat was producing a good effect. If we can capture those (substances) we might have an opportunity to convert them into drugs or use them as guides to help develop drugs.”

In other news, BBC reported Tuesday that females are less physically active at both ends of life than their male counterparts, two studies suggest. Researchers studied activity levels in school children and the over 70s – and in both cases found males tended to be more active.

Jennifer Lopez and Asset

Jennifer Lopez and Asset

Researcher Dr Nicky Ridgers said: “It is a concern that girls’ activity levels are lower than boys and, although it is just one piece in a complex picture, this could be contributing to girls being overweight and obese.”  No word on whether Dr Nicky and Dr Ron will merge their studies and discover that the reason women live longer than men is because they’re less active and have bigger asses that protect their health, but if Clyde Barlow-Nife spying on them maybe there’ll be a break-through.

(C) 2009 InebriatedPress.com

 

Source articles:

CIA tracking 4000 UK terror suspects
http://www.theage.com.au/world/cia-tracking-4000-uk-terror-suspects-20090104-79u6.html?page=-1

Seventy-year-old woman holds home intruder at gunpoint, talks about ordeal
http://www.wndu.com/localnews/headlines/37073429.html

Why big bums are good for you
http://www.news.com.au/couriermail/story/0,23739,24878517-23272,00.html

Females ‘less physically active’
http://news.bbc.co.uk/2/hi/health/7811398.stm

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Male Gender at Risk, Sperm Quality is Based on Brains, and Woman is Shot During Sex

New Study: pollution damaging genitals, men’s ability to father offspring
New Research: Men’s sperm quality depends on intelligence
News: Man claims he accidentally shot wife during sex

Inebriated Press
December 9, 2008
Getting femmy?

Getting femmy?

The UK Independent reported on Sunday that startling new research says the male gender is in danger as common chemicals are feminizing males of all classes of animals, including people.  And Economist Magazine reported last week that a paper about to be published in “Intelligence” by Rosalind Arden of King’s College, London, says that brainy men have better sperm than stupid guys.  Meanwhile, The UK Sun reported Friday that a U.S. man told cops he was reaching for something on the bedside table during sex with his wife when his pistol went off shooting a bullet into her chest.  Pundits are debating whether Chinese pollution can be held to blame for bad sperm which resulted in a stupid man shooting his wife during sex, or whether household chemical companies are ultimately responsible.

“Obviously in an era when government bailouts of bad companies is commonplace, and teachers have indiscriminate sex with their students, no one is really responsible for themselves anymore; so either household chemical companies or pollution from China is to blame for the existence of the guy who shot his wife during sex,” said Alfredo Newmann, an attorney and TV talk show host wannabee, who often brushes his teeth out of habit but never gives to the needy for any reason.  “Since the U.S. accepts tainted food and other products from China we can’t really blame them for the problem.  I think the most logical thing to do is to sue Proctor and Gamble.  I’m sure they’re producing something that’s probably harmful and they don’t need a cash bailout so they must have some money.  P&G should probably write the guy and his wife a check for a few million dollars and then give me a cut since I proposed this reasonable settlement.  I am an attorney after all and I understand this stuff.  Maybe the government should just give me a cut of all transactions that occur in the U.S. directly; it’d save me the bother of collection.  U.S. attorneys get a piece of most of the money swirling around our economy anyhow. It’s our clever sperm that enables us to do it. Science says so.”

Takes brains to have real balls

Takes brains to have real balls

Not everyone is climbing on board the Newmann attorney-led sex-injury-by-soap-company settlement express.  “There are lots of stupid guys out there and a law degree only means you cleared a bar exam somewhere.  Intelligence and common sense are two totally different things,” said Sandy Barnacle-Beachwear, a Clerk of Court and part-time wrestler at the Hapless Parrot Lounge.  “If I decide to have a kid I’m going to have a clone made of myself anyway, so I don’t care if guys can’t procreate anymore.  The few smart ones I know are married already and the bums who come on to me I want nothing to do with.  Some people say pollution is messing with evolution and ruining guys’ sperm. I say evolution is doing its thing just fine.  The idiots are dying out.  That’s the way it’s supposed to work.  Too bad the moron who shot his wife during sex didn’t shoot himself in the chest.  Still, evolution has always had a bit of random chance in it.”

The Independent reported that evolution is being distorted by pollution, which damages genitals and the ability of men to father offspring.  According to startling scientific research from around the world, the male gender is in danger, with incalculable consequences for both humans and wildlife. Backed by some of the world’s leading scientists, who say that it “waves a red flag” for humanity and shows that evolution itself is being disrupted, the report comes out at a particularly sensitive time for British ministers. On Wednesday, Britain will lead opposition to proposed new European controls on pesticides, many of which have been found to have “gender-bending” effects. It also follows hard on the heels of new American research which shows that baby boys born to women exposed to widespread chemicals in pregnancy are born with smaller penises and feminized genitals. “This research shows that the basic male tool kit is under threat,” says Gwynne Lyons, a former government adviser on the health effects of chemicals, who wrote the report.

The Quest for Intelligence Goes On

The Quest for Intelligence Goes On

The Economist reported that a paper about to be published in “Intelligence” by Rosalind Arden of King’s College, London, and her colleagues, says that the quality of a man’s sperm depends on how intelligent he is, and vice versa.  Ms Arden is one of a group of researchers looking into the connections between intelligence, genetics and health. They surmise that the reason for the link may be that intelligence is one manifestation of an underlying, genetically based healthiness; and vice versa; or that intelligent people make better choices about how to conduct their lives. Smarter guys may, for example, be less likely to smoke, more likely to eat healthy foods or to exercise, and so on. During the study they found that neither age nor any obvious confounding variable that might have been a consequence of intelligent decisions about health (obesity, smoking, drinking and drug use) had any effect on the result. Brainy men, it seems, do have better sperm. The story writer said this isn’t very politically correct to say, but the hypothesis looks stronger by the day.

The Sun reported that a husband has claimed he accidentally shot his wife while they were having sex.  Timothy Havens, 38, told cops in the US he was reaching for something on the bedside table when the pistol went off. A bullet hit his estranged wife Carolyn in the chest. He dialed 911 and was heard saying in the emergency call: “[The gun was] right beside the bed. “I picked it up and put it off to the side. We were having sex and it went off.” Mrs. Havens, 42, was left fighting for her life at a hospital in Dayton, Ohio. Havens was arrested after it emerged his wife had a civil protection order against him. He had previously spent 60 days in jail for assaulting his wife and been ordered to attend anger management classes.

Some people say that when thinking about sex, men and intelligence part company.

Ronald Reagan - You gotta fight for freedom to keep it.

Ronald Reagan - You gotta fight for freedom to keep it.

“Modern men revert back to a caveman mindset the closer they get to a sexual opportunity, and I think if you tested the guys sperm and intelligence at that moment, you’d find the quality of both pretty low,” said a jogger casually passing gas in an affront to both males and climate change.  “But I don’t know how to explain the insanity in the U.S. Congress.  You’d think that both eggs and sperm quality would be so bad that bureaucracy would have died out altogether by now.  I guess the smart folks must be throwing off some bad seeds that keep running for office so we maintain the bureaucratic population.  Whoever claimed that evolution was survival of the fittest and that nature is constantly improving itself forgot about entropy and the Second Law of Thermodynamics.  Our nation is going down if we won’t fight for it.  Ronald Reagan said, ‘Freedom is never more than one generation away from extinction. We didn’t pass it to our children in the bloodstream. It must be fought for, protected, and handed on for them to do the same.’ Yup, intelligence and common sense are two different things.  Hopefully we figure out which is which before it’s too late.”

Brain drain?

Brain drain?

In other news, Germany’s The Local reported last week that a German man has been found dead in a pornography video booth at a Bonn Beate Uhse sex shop. Apparently “plump boobs and hot thighs” were too much for the 54-year-old pornography customer’s heart, who died while watching porn in one of the video-booths at the sex-shop on Bischofsplatz. Though authorities suspect he died of a heart attack, the doctor on the scene could not determine the cause of death at the time, and the corpse was handed over to police. No word about the quality of the guy’s sperm or his intelligence, or whether he believed in continuous improvement or entropy, but no doubt about it, he’s one less male running with the herd.

(C) 2008 InebriatedPress.com

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