Tag Archives: internet

U.S. Cyber-Security ‘childlike’, Women Declare Sex-Strike to Protest Government, and a setback for the Church of Orgasm

> Industry experts call U.S. cyber-security “embarrassing”
> Kenyan women begin week-long sex strike to protest country’s leadership
> Swedish court rules Madonna of Orgasm Church unacceptable

 
Inebriated Press
May 1, 2009
 

Cyber security

Cyber security

BBC News reported Wednesday that industry experts say the U.S. governments cyber defenses are “embarrassing” and “childlike”.  They call the system “broken”, and the government admits its “vulnerable to attack”.  And, the San Francisco Chronicle reported Wednesday that thousands of Kenyan women vowed to begin a week-long sex strike to protest their country’s bickering leadership.  Meanwhile, The Local reported Wednesday that the Madonna of Orgasm Church has suffered a disappointing setback following a Swedish court ruling that the church’s name is unacceptable and offensive. Pundits are debating the offensive nature of cyber crime, sex as a weapon, and orgasm as god.
 

Someone named Sandi

Someone named Sandi

“Without question the ease of penetration with which China and Russia have been entering the U.S. power grid, and slipping into the Department of Defense computer system in recent weeks, displays a level of zero will-power on the part of our federal government to get serious about stopping cyber-rapists from getting into the panties of our military and energy systems,” said Sandi Hewlet-Packing, a flesh and blood security analyst and high-tech aficionado, only partially silicon based.  “I’m not big on hyperbole, but this is some serious shit.  If American women have to go on a sex-strike and not let men touch us until the problem is fixed, it’s worth considering.  I know it’ll be especially hard on worshipers of the orgasm as god, but hey, you do what you have to in order to create reasonable change.  Or some bullshit like that.”
 

Someone named Laura

Someone named Laura

Not everyone agrees with Hewlet-Packing.  “So what if some hackers get into the U.S. power grid or defense system, it’s not like they’re screwing up the results of the lottery or American Idol, or something important like that.  You can’t be turning off sex and religion like a light switch; the very idea is just plain wrong,” said Laura Padron-Saint, a cigar smoking misanthrope who’s ideas are often compared favorably to those of a community organizer.  “The American form of government is based on openness, and nothing should hinder anyone from gaining access to or diddling with anything we have.  That’s true of our citizenship, our top secret files, and our dirty underwear.  Now it’s also true that in my personal life I did that for a while and will be on medication for various forms of STD’s for the rest of my life, so I’ve had to slow down a little.  Still it’s a philosophy that I’d like to suggest is really healthy for the country, even if it didn’t work out very well for me personally.”
 
cyber securityBBC News reported that America’s cyber-security has been described as “broken” by one industry expert and as “childlike” by another. Tim Mather, chief strategist for security firm RSA, told BBC News: “The approach we have relied on for years has effectively run out of steam. I think we are seeing a real breaking point in security with consumers, business and even government saying enough, no more. Let’s rethink how we do this because the system is broken.” Alan Paller from security research firm SANS Institute said the government’s cyber defenses were “embarrassing”.  Over the past couple of weeks, the heat has been turned up on the issue of cyber-security following some high profile breaches. One involved the country’s power grid which was said to have been infiltrated by nation states. The government subsequently admitted that it was “vulnerable to attack”. Meanwhile reports during the RSA conference surfaced that spies had hacked into the Joint Strike Fighter Project. The topic is on the radar of politicians, who have introduced a number of bills to address security in the virtual world.

women-strikeThe San Francisco Chronicle reported that thousands of Kenyan women vowed Wednesday to begin a weeklong sex strike to try to protest their country’s bickering leadership, which they say threatens to revive the bloody chaos that convulsed the African country last year. Leaders from Kenya’s largest and oldest group dedicated to women’s rights, the Women’s Development Organization, said they hope the boycott will persuade men to pressure the government to make peace. Eleven women’s groups are participating in the strike. The groups have also called on the wives of President Mwai Kibaki and Prime Minister Raila Odinga to abstain. It was not clear how either wife responded to the request.
 

A religious experience?

A religious experience?

The Local reported that the Madonna of Orgasm Church (Orgasmens Madonnas kyrka) has suffered a disappointing reversal following a Swedish court ruling that the church’s name is unacceptable and offensive. The church’s founder, artist Carlos Bebeacua who resides in Lövestad in southern Sweden, has been fighting a lengthy legal battle in his bid to have the Madonna of Orgasm Church registered as a faith community in Sweden. “The orgasm is God, the orgasm should be worshiped,” Bebeacua told the Kvällsposten newspaper. “The orgasm is the ultimate feeling of lust; it shouldn’t be limited to ejaculation. You can reach it through art or by looking at a landscape and thinking ‘Wow!’” Bebeacua hoped that registering the Madonna of Orgasm Church as a faith community in Sweden would encourage more people to consider the orgasm as God. According to the appeals court, the name of Bebeacua’s Madonna of Orgasm Church “violates what is considered acceptable praxis” and therefore can be denied registration as a faith community. Specifically, the court took issue with juxtaposition of the words “Madonna”, “orgasm”, and “church”.

"I Bite" TIn other news, the Northern Florida Daily News reported that a husband and wife had been drinking at the Swamp nightclub on Okaloosa Island, when the woman became upset with her husband yelled at him, slapped him and then bit him on the right cheek. According to an Okaloosa County Sheriff’s Office arrest report, the deputy saw bloody mucus and skin on the woman’s blouse. The woman’s husband said he shoved her several times in self defense after she slapped him multiple times, the report said. When asked about the bite mark, the man said, “I guess she slapped me.”  No word on whether he thinks U.S. cyber security is “childlike” or if he’d rather his wife went on a sex-strike rather than bite pieces off of him, but maybe if he joins the Church of Orgasm things will start turning around for the poor bastard.

(C) 2009 InebriatedPress.com  

 
Source articles:
 
US cyber-security ’embarrassing’
http://news.bbc.co.uk/2/hi/technology/8023793.stm
 
Kenyan women’s group tells men: Make war? No love
http://www.sfgate.com/cgi-bin/article.cgi?f=/n/a/2009/04/29/international/i084758D26.DTL
 
Court climax premature for Madonna of Orgasm Church
http://www.thelocal.se/19154/20090429/
 
Husband’s flirting provokes wife’s biting
http://www.nwfdailynews.com/news/woman_17013___article.html/husband_report.html

Comments Off on U.S. Cyber-Security ‘childlike’, Women Declare Sex-Strike to Protest Government, and a setback for the Church of Orgasm

Filed under Humor, IP News

Nempho slept with 200 guys she met online

Bar girl Louise, 25, scours net for sex with strangers

By Matthew Acton
News of The World – UK
02/02/2009

090203-bedded-2002MOST women surf the internet for clothes, shoes and bargains. Not Louise Grant. She scours the web for sex with total STRANGERS.

The 25-year-old bar manager is hooked on net sex and has slept with 200 online date mates.

On average, she beds a different man every FIVE DAYS. She’s even had sex with THREE of them in ONE DAY.

Louise claims to be driven by the “thrill” of no-strings sex with guys she’s just met.

She admits: “I can’t explain the buzz I get from meeting someone for the first time and knowing that in a couple of hours we’ll be ripping each other’s clothes off. It’s addictive.

"It's such a thrill knowing all these guys want me."

LOUISE: "It's such a thrill knowing all these guys want me."

“A lot of women may call me a slag, but I’m not. The sex is on my terms — I call the shots.”

And despite not knowing what creep may lurk behind a profile picture, Louise reckons her cyber bed-hopping is SAFER than conventional dating.

Risky

“My friends will meet guys in clubs and take them home,” she argues. “That’s more risky than what I do because I can check mine out before we meet.

“I’ll always insist on safe sex and carry condoms. If the guy complains, I won’t meet him.”

Louise, from Manchester, first started using the internet for sex after splitting with her fiancé three years ago.

Feeling lonely, she looked up an ex on Facebook. The next day they went out for drinks followed by sex.

Louise says: “I missed sex so much. We shared some wine and got a bit flirty — we knew we’d end up in bed together.

“When I left in the morning, it was refreshing just to kiss him goodbye and not worry about if he would call.”

Buzzing from her night of passion, Louise went straight online to sign up to an adult dating site, passion.com, where she could meet other guys for no-strings sex.

"I can't explain the buzz I get from meeting someone ..."

WEB SEX: "I can't explain the buzz I get from meeting someone ..."

Her first ad read: “Hi. I’m outgoing with a naughty side I want to explore. If you’d like to know more, drop me a line.”

And it wasn’t long before ahe was bombarded with messages — and gross pictures—from fellas who were desperate to “meet” her.

“I’m not model material,” admits Louise. “But I couldn’t believe how good-looking the blokes were. It’s such a thrill knowing all these guys want me.

“I checked the first man out on Facebook before we met. I also promised a friend I’d call her during the date.” Louise describes how the two met, had some wine and went back to her place: “He asked what I liked — so I told him exactly what I wanted.

“You can be totally uninhibited and not worry about being judged. Afterwards, he thanked me and said he’d see me soon. I was hooked.”

Louise quickly joined two other sex sites — be naughty.com and plentyoffish. com — and now rushes home from work every day to check her emails.

090203-web-predators1She recalls: “In the first month I met four guys and now meet around two a week. I’ve not counted but I must have slept with nearly 200 men.

“I remember meeting three guys in one day. The first was Paul at the Hilton Hotel in Manchester. We had an amazing night of sex and again in the morning. By lunch I’d met up with Chris, who was into swinging.”

And for dinner? Maneater Louise still wasn’t satisfied.

“He was in his mid-40s,” she says. “A George Clooney lookalike. He was handsome, rich and knew how to treat a woman.”

But she claims her most exciting encounter was when she indulged in kinky role play.

Louise says: “I acted out a sexy boss fantasy for a guy called Adam. I was wearing lingerie and high heels. I interviewed him before he grabbed me and told me to strip — it drove us both wild!

“Another guy I see loves giving women oral sex. He’ll come round to my flat just for that.”

But Louise saw the ugly side of net sex when she naively met a man without checking him out first. She says: “His profile pic looked nice but he was a total loser. He smoked cheap cigs, stunk and ate like a pig at dinner.” She made a quick exit.

090203-web-sex-toonLast year, 5.6 million singletons went on over 13 million internet first dates. Less than half of them led to one- night stands.

Louise reveals: “I’ve met married men, IT geeks and a few plumbers.

“I hear pals moan about their partners and thank my lucky stars I don’t have to put up with snoring, pants lying around or getting dinner ready.

“When I have a date, I put on sexy undies, drink wine with a gorgeous guy who takes me home and ravishes me.

“I’ll settle down one day but it’s too much fun at the moment.”

INTERNET SEX: SAFE OR SINFUL?
 
CATHERINE TOWNSEND, FABULOUS MAGAZINE’S SEX & RELATIONSHIPS EXPERT, SAYS …

Louise is having fun meeting guys on the net . . . and good for her. This is the future of relationships — whether it’s for no-strings sex or to meet someone for the long term.

The excitement of doing it this way is you can reject all those you don’t want straight away and go for the good stuff.

Lots of my friends meet men this way and they use the pics of guys like trading cards. There’s no harm in what Louise is doing as long as she’s very careful. Meet the guy in a public place and tell friends where you are.

JANE BUTTERWORTH, NEWS OF THE WORLD AGONY AUNT, SAYS …

What Louise is doing could be storing up trouble for the future.

She admits it is highly addictive, that she gets a buzz. In effect, she is using sex like a drug. Just as a junkie uses heroin to give themselves a short-term high or wipe out painful feelings, a sex addict uses the excitement of passion for similar reasons.

Any addiction is bad news because it eventually ends up controlling you. When that happens, it is hard to stop.

One day, says Louise, she wants to settle down, but how will her future partner view her sexual history?

newsoftheworld.co.uk

Comments Off on Nempho slept with 200 guys she met online

Filed under IP News, NEWS

American’s Funding Hamas and Scanning ID’s, While the Web Keeps Us Sane

U.S. Foundation guilty of funneling $12 million to terrorists
New machines electronically read your drivers license from 50 feet away
People surf the Internet to flee reality

Inebriated Press
November 26, 2008

Sad Hamas Supporters in Dallas

Sad Hamas Supporters in Dallas

The Dallas Morning News reported Monday that a jury found a Muslim charity and five men who worked with the group guilty of three dozen counts related to the illegal funneling of at least $12 million to the Palestinian terrorist group Hamas. And USA Today reported Monday that the Homeland Security Department has new machines at the Canada and Mexico borders that allow personnel to “read” data on your passport and driver’s license from 50 feet away, as you approach the border.  Meanwhile, USA Today also reported that when bad news gets overwhelming, some people turn to the Internet for live video feeds of puppies to keep themselves sane.  Pundits debate charitable terrorist groups, charitable puppies and the ethics of strangers obtaining intimate knowledge of you, because you’re within 50 feet of them.

“If I want to give someone my personal information or hand terrorists some spending cash, that should be my choice and I shouldn’t be duped by a Muslim charity or scanned by Homeland Security without my knowledge,” said Larry Patron-Idee, a hard working maintenance worker and occasional postal recipient.  “The economy is weak, terrorists want to kill us and our own government is logging personal information about folks who get close to the border.  I’m so depressed that only puppies frolicking on video-cam can cheer me up.”

Stress Relief

Stress Relief

Not everyone thinks the latest news is negative.  “We caught and busted the Muslims running the scam and pushing millions of dollars to Hamas.  Do I wish we’d have busted them sooner?  Sure, but we got them now and it’s stopped, so quit whining about it,” said Elizabeth Bixley-Protem, a temporary worker at Dollar General, who moonlights at Ziggy’s Tax Prep and Strip Club.  “And it’s good that the border guards have some powerful tools like a scanner that can read the fake ID’s or real passports of people trying to get in or out of the country.  The legitimate folks will go through quicker and the cheaters will get caught.  This stuff is working people, that’s why it’s in the news.  And it’s good news!  Forget all the Internet puppy stuff; be glad we’re winning the war on terror and head down to Ziggy’s if you need a break.  How many joints will let you drink booze and watch strippers while they do your taxes?  It’s a hell of a good deal and fun to boot!”

The Dallas Morning News reported that a jury on Monday determined that the Holy Land Foundation and five men who worked with the Muslim charity were guilty of three dozen counts related to the illegal funneling of at least $12 million to the Palestinian terrorist group Hamas. Guilty verdicts were read on 108 separate charges.

Distressed Palestinians Needing Cash

Distressed Palestinians Needing Cash

Robert Hirschhorn, a nationally known jury consultant based in Lewisville, said “The jury has handed the government a huge victory and a loud and clear message has been sent — if any group funnels money to a terrorist organization, the government will hunt you down and turn off the money spigot.” Defense attorneys argued that the foundation was a legitimate, non-political charity that helped distressed Palestinians under Israeli occupation.

USA Today reported that agents along the Canada and Mexico borders are using a controversial new machine that can “read” the personal information contained in some government-issued ID cards — such as passports and driver’s licenses — as travelers approach a checkpoint. The Homeland Security Department says the new practice will tighten security and speed the flow of traffic. Privacy-rights advocates warn that terrorists or other criminals can use their own machines in a process called “skimming” to read the information from as far as 50 feet.

New Passport

New Passport

Consumer privacy expert Katherine Albrecht says the chips create the “potential for a whole surveillance network to be set up.” She says police could use them to find criminals, abusive husbands to find their wives, and stores to track customers. Homeland Security says the chips are made not to reveal personal information to machine readers — just a code, that then shows the information on the border agents’ screen.

USA Today reported that when the reality of the world gets to be too much for Jana Ogletree, a waitress from Elgin, Idaho, she turns to — puppies. Six puppies, to be precise — romping, rolling, sleeping, yelping and playing. Ogletree doesn’t own the six furry shiba inu puppies. And she’s never touched them. Instead, the puppies are being raised by an anonymous couple in San Francisco, and Ogletree — along with some 4 million others around the world — watches them live, online via video feed on Ustream.tv three to four times a day.

“The economy is tanking. There’s going to be a new change in the administration,” says Ogletree, 42. “Everything happening in the outside world right now is just completely overwhelming. What’s a better little island in the midst of a giant sea of angst than six little puppies in San Francisco?”

Some pundits say that fuzzy puppies would cure all the world’s problems if we’d just let them.

“Send Hamas a dozen puppies and some puppy chow and I’ll bet they stop shooting Israeli’s and blowing themselves and others to bits,” said some innocent bystander, often caught hoping for the best, usually against all odds.  “It was when Bill Clinton’s dog’s got killed or died that he kept turning to interns and associates for sexual favors; if somebody had brought him a puppy he’d have calmed down.  Everyone is so serious and so fearful right now.  Take an aspirin and a puppy and chill-out people.  Or go to Ziggy’s Tax Prep and Strip Club and pretend to get your taxes done.  Find some way to relax a little. Everything is going to be okay.”

No TV Watching For These Folks

No TV Watching For These Folks

In other news, The New York Times reported last week that happy people spend a lot of time socializing, going to church and reading newspapers — but they don’t spend a lot of time watching television. The article said watching TV is what unhappy people do. 

“We looked at 8 to 10 activities that happy people engage in, and for each one, the people who did the activities more — visiting others, going to church, all those things — were more happy,” said John Robinson, a professor of sociology at the University of Maryland and the author of the study, which appeared in the journal Social Indicators Research. “TV was the one activity that showed a negative relationship. Unhappy people did it more, and happy people did it less.” No word on how much television the members of Al Qaeda and Hamas are watching, but it’s my guess that its way-way too much.

(C) 2008 InebriatedPress.com

Comments Off on American’s Funding Hamas and Scanning ID’s, While the Web Keeps Us Sane

Filed under Humor, IP News