Tag Archives: Iran

Out of Hiding: JFK Endorses McCain

President Kennedy Living on Island with Marilyn Monroe
Former Leader Pissed at Global Trends and U.S. Shift to Left

Inebriated Press \ Tabloid Division
October 28, 2008

In a stunning revelation on Bahamas television this morning, President John F. Kennedy issued his support for Republican presidential candidate John McCain.  Kennedy, widely believed to have been assassinated in Dallas on November 22, 1963, said the murder was faked so he and Marilyn Monroe could enjoy life together on a deserted island.  The former president said that current global trends and this years blatant adoption of socialism by the Democrat Party, caused him to come out of hiding so he could tell American’s it is time they pull their “collective heads out of their collective asses” and start thinking straight.

Wake up you idiots, says JFK

Wake up you idiots, says JFK

“I’m calling on all U.S. citizens who value peace, freedom and the American way of life, to support the only presidential candidate who has a pro-American platform by voting for Senator John McCain,” said the 91-year-old former president, looking tanned and relaxed after 45 years of islander living.  “Marilyn and I went through great lengths to fake our deaths and hide out on a comfy island in the pacific, and I’d still be there enjoying the sun and living in ignorance if not for DirecTV and Fox News.  I’m so pissed about the idiots running the U.S. Congress and running as Democrats for high office that I had to come out and say something.  Today’s Republicans are like liberal Democrats from my day, and today’s Democrats are like old-school socialist-Marxists.  Holy shit people, haven’t you been paying attention to what happens when you get socialist-Marxist government?  Don’t you understand that when you people invoke ‘JFK’ and talk about my politics that you’re talking about a strong defense and moderate economic stimulus?  It was Johnson who did all the ‘Great Society’ crap that cost millions, not me.  I’m sick of having my initials dragged around like I was some commie.  I stared down those bastards during the Cuban missile crisis.  Now the guy you call a Democrat says he’s willing to sit down unconditionally with leaders of terrorist states?  Wake up you crazy bastards!  If you keep going the direction you’re going, you’re going to wind up where you’re headed.”

Islanders out of hiding.

Islanders out of hiding.

Not everyone believes the speaker was really JFK.  “Oswald blew JFK’s brains all over the limo seat on November 22nd in Dallas, and there’s no way he’s chatting about how crazy senator Obama’s socialist governing plans are,” said an Obama for President spokesperson, who refused to give their name or current gender.  “If it actually was Kennedy, he wouldn’t have any brains to think with, and I believe you can tell from the statements the guy made, that the comments were pretty senseless.  Anyone claiming to be a Democrat and says he watches Fox News is a liar.  Everyone knows that NBC is the Democrat network and the only place to get proper Obamaesque talking points and dialectical arguments.  Anyway, the whole notion that JFK’s politics are pertinent to this century is laughable. Nobody cares how high their taxes go or worries about defending America from its enemies.  That stuff is behind us now. Everyone wants change.”

Gratuitous Picture of Island Girl

Gratuitous Picture of Island Girl

Pundits have been debating whether Senator Barack Obama’s proposed income redistribution plans and intention to cut funding to new defense platforms is the best way to strengthen and protect the United States.  Some argue that the plans reflect Obama’s anti-American circle of friends and associates, and believe it to be a bad thing, while others say it’s necessary to enable fundamental change to occur. 

“You can’t say you’ll change things and then stick with fundamental American economics, a pro-military defense posture or the original U.S. Constitution.  Nope, in order to make real change you have to slash the military, take money from citizens who have it and give it to others, and reinterpret the Constitution.  That’s real change,” said Flower Power, an aging 1960’s radical, currently in line for appointment by Obama to head either the U.S. Department of Defense or the U.S. Treasury.  “When Barack says he’ll change America, he means it.  Damn straight. That’s why people support him.”

Wikipedia says John Fitzgerald “Jack” Kennedy, often referred to by his initials JFK, was the thirty-fifth President of the United States, serving from 1961 until his assassination in 1963. After Kennedy’s military service as commander of the Motor Torpedo Boat PT-109 during World War II in the South Pacific, his aspirations turned political, with the encouragement and grooming of his father, Joseph P. Kennedy, Sr. Kennedy represented the state of Massachusetts in the U.S. House of Representatives from 1947 to 1953 as a Democrat, and in the U.S. Senate from 1953 until 1960. Kennedy defeated then Vice President and Republican candidate Richard Nixon in the 1960 U.S. presidential election, one of the closest in American history.

The Cuban Missile Crisis began on October 14, 1962, when American U-2 spy planes took photographs of a Soviet intermediate-range ballistic missile site under construction in Cuba. The photos were shown to Kennedy on October 16, 1962. America would soon be posed with a serious nuclear threat. Kennedy faced a dilemma: if the U.S. attacked the sites, it might lead to nuclear war with the U.S.S.R., but if the U.S. did nothing, it would endure the threat of nuclear weapons being launched from close range. Because the weapons were in such proximity, the U.S. might have been unable to retaliate if they were launched pre-emptively. Another consideration was that the U.S. would appear to the world as weak in its own hemisphere.

This is why Kennedy left politics for island living.

This is why Kennedy left politics for island living.

Many military officials and cabinet members pressed for an air assault on the missile sites, but Kennedy ordered a naval quarantine in which the U.S. Navy inspected all ships arriving in Cuba. He began negotiations with the Soviets and ordered the Soviets to remove all defensive material that was being built on Cuba. Without doing so, the Soviet and Cuban peoples would face naval quarantine. A week later, he and Soviet Premier Nikita Khrushchev reached an agreement. Khrushchev agreed to remove the missiles subject to U.N. inspections if the U.S. publicly promised never to invade Cuba and quietly removed US missiles stationed in Turkey. Following this crisis, which brought the world closer to nuclear war than at any point before or since, Kennedy was more cautious in confronting the Soviet Union.

Kennedy was assassinated on November 22, 1963, in Dallas, Texas. Lee Harvey Oswald was charged with the crime and was murdered two days later by Jack Ruby before he could be put on trial. The Warren Commission concluded that Oswald had acted alone in killing the president; however, the House Select Committee on Assassinations declared in 1979 that there was more likely a conspiracy that included Oswald. The entire subject remains controversial, with multiple theories about the assassination still being debated.

In other news, Gallup reported Sunday that likely voter estimates continue to show Barack Obama with a significant lead over John McCain. The traditional model estimates Obama with a 50% to 45% advantage in Oct. 23-25 polling, and the expanded model has Obama leading by 52% to 43%. Reportedly American’s are so tired of the poor performance of the Democrat Congress that they intend to give them a filibuster-proof majority so they can do whatever they want thus assuring that real change of some kind will occur; and with gas prices falling and the war in Iraq under control, voters figure a Democrat president with dictatorial powers and a socialist vision is just what the country needs to become something else.  No word on how fast the real JFK is spinning in his grave, but word out of Virginia is that strong earth vibrations in Arlington National Cemetery can now be measured on the Richter scale — for the first time in history.

(C) 2008 InebriatedPress.com

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Virtual Wife Nags as Virtual Husband Killed, Actual Iran Backs Obama

Japanese weight loss service provides nagging virtual wife
Woman arrested for hacking online game to kill virtual husband
Iran announces support for Barack Obama presidency

Inebriated Press \ Division of Rant (with Pretzels)
October 27, 2008

Gizmodo reported last week that a new Japanese service provides a virtual wife that emails you each day, and nags you to stick to your weight loss plan. And Wired reported last week that a 43-year-old woman has been arrested on suspicion of hacking into an online game where she killed her once-virtual husband. Meanwhile, Y-Netnews reported last week that Iranian parliament Speaker Ali Larijani said Iran would prefer Democrat Barack Obama in the White House next year because he’s “more rational”. Pundits debate the benefits of fake reality and Iran’s definition of “rational.”

“I have to believe that the rantings of Iranian President Ahmadinejad about wiping Israel off the face of the earth, and his claims that the Jewish Holocaust never happened, are part of the Iranian definition of ‘rational’; and since these guys think Obama would be the best president for the U.S. because he has the same kind of ‘rational’ they have, I’m voting for McCain on that basis alone,” said Sane Persson, a regular American taxpayer clinging to god and guns while praying for the return of common sense to U.S. government. “I mean, let’s think about this for a second. The people who hate us the most are calling a first term junior senator with zero foreign policy experience the guy who should be running our country. If we miss the real meaning behind that statement, all we’ll have left is a virtual hope for a saving change. Beam me up Scotty, there’s no intelligent life down here!”

Not everyone agrees with Sane Persson. “It’s important that the U.S. elects someone who will engage with terrorists and America-hating leaders in order to learn what they want us to change into so they’ll like us better, and Obama’s the man because he gets along fine with America-haters in this country — Bill Ayers, Jeremiah Wright, Louis Farrakhan — and a host of others,” said Dimm Bulbb, an unemployed Democrat with a journalism degree, who looks to make out big in an Obama presidency and finally move out of his parents basement. “John McCain can’t do it because he doesn’t get along with people who oppress others; his stint in Vietnam proves that. He could have given in and went along with his captors but he refused. And his running mate Sarah Palin, she can’t do it, because she reformed her own Party in Alaska, cut government expenses and taxes, while increasing state oil revenues by negotiating with the big oil companies. She’d never bend to the will of OPEC or let pork-barrel spending go on unabated. Nope, McCain and Palin are not suited for D.C. Barack is our man, and with Biden routinely predicting future disasters ahead of time, we’ll always be able to see terrible shit coming. In fact a Democrat White House plus both Houses of Congress guarantees it. I’m feeling more confident in the future all the time!”

Y-Netnews reported that Iranian parliament Speaker Ali Larijani said Wednesday that Iran would prefer Democrat Barack Obama in the White House next year. “We are leaning more in favor of Barack Obama because he is more flexible and rational, even though we know American policy will not change that much,” Larijani said at a press conference during a visit to Bahrain. Larijani, a leading figure in the conservative camp in Iran, also said the United States was too busy dealing with the global financial crisis to consider waging an attack on Iran. “The risk was low before,” he said. “But now I am 100% certain that the United States will not unleash a war against Iran. The economic crisis has cost the United States $1.4 trillion and Washington is working to resolve its internal problems and not a war.”

Gizmodo reported that lonely Japanese fatties now have a new way to make themselves lose weight: a virtual nagging wife. Metaboinfo.com allows you to set up a weight loss plan, then assign one of four “wives” (aid, businesswoman, nurse or salon worker) to email you on a daily basis. Depending on whether you’re ahead or behind the curve, you’ll get nice or super annoying email customized for your current status. This reminds us a lot of the Japanese DVD that teaches you confidence by having women stare at you for an hour and a half. Oh, Japan!

Wired reported that a 43-year-old Japanese woman, angry over a sudden divorce in the virtual online game Maple Story, has been arrested on suspicion of hacking into the game where she killed her once-virtual husband, authorities said. Authorities said the Miyazaki woman illegally accessed the game with a password she hijacked from a colleague. That made it appear as if her coworker committed the online murder. According to The Associated Press, the woman told police: “I was suddenly divorced, without a word of warning. That made me so angry.” The hacking allegation carries a maximum five-year prison term. Some people say that the woman — as well as Al Qaeda, Hamas, Iran, North Korea and Russia — are only bad in a virtual way, and are not dangerous in reality.

“The idea that there are any really bad people, organizations or countries is just a virtual concept being purported by those who want military money to spend on gadgets and gizmos and want American’s to be placated and docile and do whatever they’re told,” said someone claiming to be Michael Moore, a movie maker and secret MENSA member, whose giant brain is housed in a giant body and is mostly intellectual blubber. “The day America completely adopts a socialist system with Cuban healthcare, Venezuelan management-style and Russian-Iranian attitudes about freedom, is the day Utopia comes to set us free. Now if I could get that damn nagging virtual wife to get off my ass about my weight I’d really be happy about how things are going. If she keeps this up I may have to get that Palin email hacker to take the bitch out.”

In other news, WTAE Pittsburg reported that two men stole a purse from an unlocked car in Westmoreland County and went on a shopping spree at a porn store. The article said that after taking the purse the suspects entered the Novelties and Gifts Adult Book Store on Route 22 near Blairsville, Indiana County, where police say they purchased about $200 worth of pornographic materials using one of the stolen credit cards. No word on whether the thieves like real or virtual sex, but if Obama gets his way crime will almost certainly go down, because he’ll give these guys your money to buy porn with. Peace and happiness isn’t just for the Iranians anymore.

(C) 2008 InebriatedPress.com

Comments Off on Virtual Wife Nags as Virtual Husband Killed, Actual Iran Backs Obama

Filed under Division of Rant (with Pretzels), Humor