Tag Archives: islam

Track People in Real-Time for Just $10 a Month, Make a Robber your Sex-Slave, and Stone Women Who Disagree with Your Right to Rape Them

> New GPS service tracks people for you, reminds them you’re watching
> Thief caught in business, fed Viagra, made a sex-slave
> Afghan women protest legalized rape, get pelted with stones

Inebriated Press
April 17, 2009

Big brotherCNet News reported Wednesday that AT&T is offering a new service that allows people to track the location of any cell phone on AT&T’s network from a mobile phone or PC.  And Russia Today reported Tuesday that a hairdresser from the Russian town of Meshchovsk subdued a man who tried to rob her shop, then fed him Viagra and raped him for three days in the utility room.  Meanwhile, MSNBC reported Wednesday that a group of some 1,000 Afghans swarmed a demonstration of 300 women protesting against a law legalizing marital rape, and threw stones at them while chanting “Death to the slaves of the Christians!”.  Inebriated reporters busily GPS-tracking former boy-friends and contemplating turning them into sex-slaves, paused long enough to say that if raping women is legal, then raping men is legal.

Someone named Amanda

Someone named Amanda

“First let me say that I abhor any kind of rape by anyone of anyone under any circumstance, and the notion that it’s okay at all is immoral, unethical and abuse in the highest degree.  That said, if raping women is legalized then so is raping men, particularly those who support the Afghan law, and I will act within the rules of equitable legislation if I want to, and guarantee it will be less fun than these bastards think it will be,” said Amanda Stone-Sharpp, a part-time writer and full-time baker at the Cup Cake and Full Metal Jacket Ammo Store.  “Rape inside or outside of marriage is equally wrong because it violates the individual, the person we are, the distinct human being that declares ‘I am’, and it takes from them the dignity that all human beings deserve.  It makes a person a non-person by declaring their own body and it’s internal functions are someone else’s to do with as they please, whenever they please.  I share my body with those I decide to share it with, and on my terms.  Anyone who violates that, deserves to die.  Let me clarify that in case you didn’t understand: anyone who rapes me, dies.  I will kill them myself if need be.  Capeshe?”

Someone named Himmler, with date

Someone named Himmler, with date

Not everyone agrees with Stone-Sharpp.  “I don’t need any moral clap-trap about what is ‘right’ or ‘wrong’ about rape, murder or anything else I feel like doing.  If I am able to create a rule that says I can legally rape you, or tax your money and redistribute it, or lock you up as a subversive because you’re against abortion or believe in god, then it becomes my right,” said Acmed Himmler, an Arab Nazi with a predisposition toward social efficiency driven by personal power and a desire to kill anyone he disagrees with, for societies greater good.  “There are no moral imperatives, it’s all about power.  Nature has no ethics and Darwinism supported by Atheism makes man the center of the universe and whatever we decide is law.  The strong survive and the weak perish.  Raping indiscriminately, or killing Jews at our pleasure, is legal if we say so.  I will not be held to any set of ethics as though some ‘god’ is behind it that I have to answer to.  Moralists are a waste of time.  Naturally occurring chaos subjected to those who wield raw power is all that counts.  The future is mine.  I’m the new wave of old school baby.”

AT&T Tracking Service

AT&T Tracking Service

CNet News reported that AT&T is offering a new service that allows parents–or potentially jealous spouses/boyfriends/girlfriends–to track loved ones using their phones. AT&T’s service, called FamilyMaps, allows people to track the location of any cell phone on AT&T’s network from a mobile phone or PC. The person being tracked receives a text message informing him or her that he or she is being watched. Users can either track someone in real time by viewing the location on a map or they can set up the service to send them text message alerts or e-mails with location information. For example, a parent may get an alert each day that his child made it home from school. Or perhaps a jealous girlfriend looking to keep tabs on her boyfriend could set up the service to notify her if her boyfriend happens to wander into a bar or over to his ex-girlfriend’s apartment after work. The service uses satellite GPS technology and cell tower triangulation to pin-point the location of the phone. The service is not supported on prepaid or AT&T Go Phones. And the service costs $9.99 for two phones and $14.99 for up to five phones.

Bad ass Olga

Bad ass Olga

Russia Today reported that a hairdresser from the small Russian town of Meshchovsk has subdued a man who tried to rob her shop, and then raped him for three days in the utility room. The incident occurred on Saturday, March 14. The working day was coming to an end at a small hairdressers, when a man armed with a gun rushed in and demanded the day’s earnings. The frightened employees and customers agreed to fulfill his demand, but when the shop’s owner, 28-year-old Olga, was handing the money to the robber, she suddenly knocked him down on the floor and then tied him up with a hairdryer cord. The 32-year-old Viktor couldn’t have known that the woman was a yellow belt in karate.

Power of Viagra

Power of Viagra

Olga locked the unlucky robber in the utility room and told her colleagues that she was going to call the police – but didn’t do so. When everybody left for home, she approached the man and ordered him to ‘take of his underpants’ threatening to hand him over to the police if he refuses to cooperate. After that Olga raped her hostage for three straight days. She chained Viktor to a radiator with pink furry handcuffs and fed him Viagra. She eventually let the man go on Monday, March 16, saying: “Get out of my sight!” Viktor went straight to hospital as his genitals were injured, and then to the police. Olga was resentful when she was taken by the police. “What a bastard,” the woman said about Viktor. “Yes, we had sex a couple of times.” Both Olga and Viktor may now face prison terms. The woman could be convicted of rape, while the man of robbery.

Afghan protest

Afghan protest

MSNBC reported that a group of some 1,000 Afghans swarmed a demonstration of 300 women protesting against a new marriage law on Wednesday. The women were pelted with stones as police struggled to keep the two groups apart. The law, passed last month, says a husband can demand sex with his wife every four days unless she is ill or would be harmed by intercourse — a clause that critics say legalizes marital rape. It also regulates when and for what reasons a wife may leave her home alone.  Women’s rights activists scheduled a protest Wednesday attended by mostly young women. But the group was swamped by counter-protesters — both men and women — who shouted down the women’s chants. Some picked up gravel and stones and threw them at the women, while others shouted “Death to the slaves of the Christians!” Female police held hands around the group in an attempt to create a protective barrier, but did not arrest the people throwing stones. 

If the law says it's okay, it must be okay

If the law says it's okay, it must be okay

Fourteen-year-old Masuma Hasani said her whole family had come out to protest the law — both her parents and her younger sister who she held by the arm. “I am concerned about my future with this law,” she said. “We want our rights. We don’t want women to just be used.” As the back-and-forth continued, another demonstration of Shiite women who said they support the law began. “We don’t want foreigners interfering in our lives. They are the enemy of Afghanistan,” said 24-year-old Mariam Sajadi. Sajadi is engaged, and said she plans to ask her husband’s permission to leave the house as put forth in the law. She said other controversial articles — such as one giving the husband the right to demand sex from his wife every fourth day — have been misinterpreted by Westerners who are anti-Islam.

Oops, you're knocked up

Oops, you're knocked up

In other news, Sweden’s The Local reported Wednesday that a young Swedish couple found to their amazement that they were expecting a baby – despite the fact that the girl had a contraceptive implant. When the implant was removed the mystery became clear – she had been given a dummy model. Jessica Lindberg, who lives in Gothenburg, was only 16-years-old when she became pregnant. Both the National Board of Health and Welfare (Socialstyrelsen) and the public health disciplinary board (Hälsö- och sjukvårdens ansvarsnämnd – HSAN) have reviewed the case, but neither has managed to develop an explanation. The young couple are now the parents of a two-year-old boy. The couple’s insurance company has rejected their claim for compensation arguing that “no one has been hurt”. No word on whether the company considers men or women rape victims as being hurt, but that’s just because ethics are mere concepts and laws are actually subjective until raw power sorts them out.

(C) 2009 InebriatedPress.com

Source articles:

AT&T launches family-tracking service
http://news.cnet.com/8301-1035_3-10219786-94.html?tag=newsEditorsPicksArea.0

Hairdresser turns robber into sex-slave
http://russiatoday.ru/Top_News/2009-04-14/Hairdresser_turns_robber_into_sex-slave.html?fullstory

Violence flares at protest over Afghan sex law
http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/30223599/

Swedish teen pregnant after implant mix-up
http://www.thelocal.se/18864.html

Comments Off on Track People in Real-Time for Just $10 a Month, Make a Robber your Sex-Slave, and Stone Women Who Disagree with Your Right to Rape Them

Filed under Division of Rant (with Pretzels), Humor

New Drug Control’s Love and Hate; Hamas Converts Medical Supplies into Bombs; and Muslim Peace-nik Beheads Wife

Inebriated Press
February 20, 2009

The Love Drug do'in it's thang

The Love Drug do'in it's thang

Tufts Daily, a university newspaper, reported last week that a new drug that can make people fall in and out of love is in the early stages of testing, and may create and control romantic emotions. And United Press International reported last week that members of the militant group Hamas used medicine bottles delivered to the Gaza Strip to make grenades.  Meanwhile, Muzzammil Hassan, founder of Bridges TV — designed to portray Muslims in a more positive light — was charged last week by police with murder for beheading his wife. Pundits are debating whether some things are really different than they seem, but remain confident that the trillion dollar bill that Obama signed into U.S. law is really a stimulus package and not the foundation for restructuring the U.S. into a socialist nation.

Someone named Suzie

Someone named Suzie

“Just because only 3 percent of spending in the Obama Plan takes place in 2009 and all the rest occurs in later years and the federal government will grow 30 percent in size, doesn’t mean that Obama really intends to change America even though he’s said that’s his plan all along,” said Susi Q-Tipp, a part-time welder and stripper at the Happy Hooker Lounge and Machine Works.  “And the provisions creating a healthcare czar, funding a nation-wide computer system to collect and track every citizens health records, and establish a panel to review all health related doctors decisions and rank them, doesn’t mean he has any intention of creating a national healthcare system.  Besides, once the love drug is available and in our water supply we’ll love everything he does.  And what’s wrong with converting some medical supplies donated to Hamas into bombs, or beheading a spouse if that’s part of your culture.  Easy come, easy go, I say. Live and let die.”

090220-obamaacorn-b-w1Not everyone agrees with Q-Tipp.  “I suppose a drug could be created that makes me fall in-to and out-of love based on how much I take and when, but I still can’t shake the notion that Obama’s plan to change America is exactly what he intends to do, since he’s said that’s his plan and continues to say so,” said Tom Thumb-Naill, an accountant and nay-sayer who spends an inordinate amount of free time managing financial risk and accumulating condoms ‘just in case’. “Terrorists convert medical supplies into bombs and a Muslim beheads his wife after creating a TV station to help sell Westerners the idea that Islam is a peaceful religion.  What a big surprise.  Experts say Obama’s plan will not stimulate the economy and that it will have to work itself out on its own, while Obama’s plan will jack up the federal governments’ size and cost, while creating new funding for ACORN and other leftist pet initiatives.  That’s supposed to be a surprise too?  He is who he told Joe the Plumber he is: an income redistributionist; and he’s using the Plan to slide around income while opening up new interpretations via his Executive Orders, and shifting the U.S. Census Bureau to the White House so it can restructure the vote for 2012.  A Socialist restructuring a country to get what he wants into perpetuity is surprising to you?  Ha. Same old same old.”

090220-romance1-b-wThe Tufts Daily reported that a new drug that can make people fall in and out of love is in the early stages of testing, and its development may be a one-way ticket to controlling romantic emotion. The idea for this drug — and prospective vaccine — is based on the research of neuroscientist Dr. Larry Young. Young worked with animals called prairie voles, which are among the small minority of mammals — less than five percent — who share humans’ propensity for monogamy. When a female prairie vole’s brain is artificially infused with oxytocin, a hormone that produces neural rewards comparable to those created by substances such as nicotine and cocaine, she will quickly become attached to the nearest male. A related hormone, vasopressin, creates urges for bonding and nesting in male voles.

The research also revealed that male voles with a genetically limited vasopressin response were less likely to find mates. Young’s corresponding research found that men with a similar genetic tendency were less likely to commit. Theoretically, if used to its fullest potential, the new drug could effectively harness these chemicals and be used to make people experience emotions of love. Conversely, it could also be used to prevent people from feeling such sentiments simply by receiving an injection of the substance. Even if Young were able to construct a drug that worked perfectly for humans, there are a number of ethical questions that come into play when dealing with an emotion as fragile and peculiar as love.

090220_peaceful_muslims_behead-b-wUPI reported that members of the militant group Hamas used medicine bottles delivered to the Gaza Strip to make grenades, an Israeli Defense Ministry official said. The official said Hamas created the explosive devices to use them against Israeli forces, The Jerusalem Post reported Friday. The bottles were sent by Israel for humanitarian aid, the official said.

“This is another example of Hamas’s cynical use of humanitarian supplies to attack Israel,” the official said. “Israel facilitates the transfer of the supplies to the Gaza Strip, and Hamas uses the supplies to create weapons.” Israeli forces located several of the undetonated homemade grenades in northern Gaza while taking part in military action against Hamas last month.

Muzzammil and AAsiya when she still had her head

Muzzammil and AAsiya when she still had her head

The Buffalo News reported last week that Orchard Park police are investigating a particularly gruesome killing, the beheading of a woman, after her husband — an influential member of the local Muslim community — reported her death to police last Thursday. Muzzammil Hassan, founder of Bridges TV, is charged with murder in the beheading of his wife, Aasiya Hassan. Hassan is CEO of Bridges TV, which he launched in 2004, amid hopes that it would help portray Muslims in a more positive light. The killing apparently occurred some time late last Thursday afternoon. Authorities say Aasiya Hassan recently had filed for divorce from her husband.

Some people say that the West needs to be more tolerant of other cultures and their beliefs.

090220-radicalislam-b-w“It is common for people in Muslim countries to saw the heads off of people they disagree with, and even family members who have shamed them; this is good and proper behavior for a people who should be dominating the world,” said Ima Kikyourazz-Squared, a cleric and weapons trafficker who does both at the same time.  “The West has been so intolerant of our culture that we must wipe Israel and America off the face of the earth, so help us god, so that totalitarian freedom will reign.  We’re pleased that Obama is closing Guantanamo and dumbing down the U.S. rules of engagement so that fewer of us will experience discomfort if we’re arrested and taken to U.S. court.  It seems silly that some in the U.S. don’t understand our plans or Obama’s when we’ve both made ourselves clear.  Still, that’s what separates the stupid from the strong.  And we are strong.  Want to surrender your necks to our blades now or do it during Obama’s second term?”

Healthy Penis

Healthy Penis

In other news, NBC Bay Area reported last week that San Franciscans are rejoicing over their favorite mascot — the Healthy Penis.  The campaign began in 2002 after the San Francisco Department of Health conducted several focus groups to see how best to raise awareness about syphilis in the city and how best to persuade gay men to get screened. The city says the campaign was a huge success because it led to a significant decrease in syphilis cases. The Healthy Penis was later introduced in Los Angeles, Portland, Philadelphia, Seattle, Santa Clara County and in Winnipeg, Canada but in a less provocative way we’re told.

090220-healthypenis4-b-w1The campaign has expanded to include an African-American penis named Byron the Penis and a Hispanic penis named Pedro the Penis as well. The original penis Clark is heading up the campaign and is still the most recognizable penis in the city. Phil the Sore is also back in the campaign trying to cause all the havoc that syphilis causes. Maybe the scariest part of it all is that the three penises have Facebook and My Space pages, while Phil has his own regularly updated Twitter page. No word on how much funding the Penis campaign will receive from Obama’s “stimulus package” but why give a shit now.

(C) 2009 InebriatedPress.com

Source Articles:

Love Potion #1: New drug could control love’s presence
http://www.tuftsdaily.com/1.1375307-1.1375307

Medicine bottles used for Hamas grenades
http://www.upi.com/Top_News/2009/02/13/Medicine_bottles_used_for_Hamas_grenades/UPI-50051234556744/

Prominent Orchard Park man charged with beheading his wife
http://www.buffalonews.com/437/story/578644.html

The City Welcomes Back Its Favorite Mascot
http://www.nbcbayarea.com/around_town/the_scene/Welcome-Back-Healthy-Penis.html

Comments Off on New Drug Control’s Love and Hate; Hamas Converts Medical Supplies into Bombs; and Muslim Peace-nik Beheads Wife

Filed under Humor, IP News

Terrorists freed after promising to be good, Underwear protests, and, America goes Socialist

> 170 al-Qaida suspects released after pledging to behave
> Women attacked in bar mail pink underwear to anti-women-in-bars group
> American economy morphing into French socialism

Inebriated Press
February 13, 2009

Damn French Socialist

Damn French Socialist

The New York Daily News reported this week that Yemen released 170 al-Qaida terrorist suspects after they signed pledges against terrorism. And BBC News reported that Indians outraged at an attack on women for drinking in a bar are sending underwear to a right-wing activist group.  Meanwhile, Newsweek Magazine reported in a story titled “We are all Socialists Now,” that in many ways the U.S. economy already resembles a European one and that as boomers age and spending grows, America will become even more French.  Pundits are debating whether getting terrorists to promise they’ll be good, embracing socialism, and resisting terror by sending undergarments through the mail, is enough to fix the economic and ethical challenges we face in today’s world.

“I’m all for trying new approaches to old problems, but the idea of using old-failed approaches to current problems isn’t only stupid, it’s naive and dangerous,” said Helene Curtis, a suave red-headed investment banker, with smarts and a body that causes paralysis in four out of five dentists who chew gum.  “The French economy has been a wreck for years, why would the U.S. want to emulate that? And terrorists tell lies like it’s their common language, you can’t believe them when they promise they’ll ‘behave.’  And when it comes down to battling a pro-Taliban-values group that beat women who go into bars — by sending them underpants in the mail — you know we’ve left go of reality as well as common sense.  The reality is we have to fight for civilization by crushing those who would crush us, and cut taxes and free businesses that create jobs and power the economy — not expand bureaucratic government that does nothing but suck the money and freedom out of it’s citizens, the larger it gets.  We have to limit government and terrorists.  Left to their own devises they become the same: totalitarian dictators.”

The French in the Old Days

The French in the Old Days

Not everyone agrees with Curtis. “Fighting violence with violence and forcing the market to drive the economy rather than thoughtful bureaucrats is an enormous mistake that has resulted in the twisted social-economic reality that the world faces today — more food, medical care, goods and services for more people than ever before in the history of the world — and this has got to stop because it’s risky and dangerous,” said someone claiming to be an evangelist and mortician named Ralph Nader, who was rumored to have run for U.S. president, but no one knows for sure.  “Left on it’s own with a modest set of rules every marketplace is scary and unsafe, they must be managed and controlled by well-meaning socialists who only want what’s best for us after they have enough.  You can’t let an economy be run by marketplace demand and allow bad businesses to fail.  It’s ethics like those that get you into trouble.  I’m not sure how, but  I know I’m right.  I’ve always been right.  Everyone on the left is right.  Or something like that.”

090113-dominate-b-wThe New York Daily News reported that Yemen released 170 men it had arrested on suspicion of having ties to al-Qaida, security officials said, two weeks after the terror group announced that Yemen had become the base of its activities for the whole Arabian peninsula. The men were freed Friday and Saturday after signing pledges not to engage in terrorism — a strategy the Yemeni government has often used with those suspected of fighting in militant causes abroad. Elements of al-Qaida have long found a haven in Yemen’s remote hinterland. Last month, Saudi al-Qaida fugitives in Yemen and their Yemeni associates announced in an Internet video that they were joining forces to form a single group. On Saturday, Saudi Arabia issued a list of 85 most wanted living abroad that included two Yemenis. Many of the Saudis on the list are suspected of hiding out in Yemen as well. The officials who announced the release spoke on condition of anonymity because they are not allowed to speak to the press.

Underwear protest poster

Underwear protest poster

BBC News reported that Indians outraged at an attack on women for drinking in a bar have gathered together to send a provocative gift of underwear to right-wing activists. More than 5,000 people, including men, have joined the Facebook group, which calls itself the Consortium of Pub-going, Loose and Forward Women. The group says it will give the pink underwear to Sri Ram Sena (Army of Lord Ram) on Valentine’s Day on Saturday. It was blamed for the bar attack in the southern city of Mangalore last month. Pramod Mutalik, who heads the little known Ram Sena and is now on bail after he was held following the attack, has said it is “not acceptable” for women to go to bars in India.

Last month’s attack in Mangalore, which was filmed and then broadcast on national television, shocked many Indians. Television pictures showed men chasing and beating up the panicking women. Some of the women, who tripped and fell, were kicked by the men. Women’s groups strongly condemned the attack, which was described by the country’s Women’s Minister Renuka Chaudhury as an attempt to impose Taliban-style values. The Hindu nationalist BJP government in Karnataka state distanced itself from the attack. It said it had nothing to do with Sri Ram Sena. But a BBC correspondent says that right-wing Hindu vigilante groups loosely linked to the BJP are active in many parts of India and have in the past targeted Muslim and Christian minorities as well as events such as Valentine’s Day.

Oui to replace Wall Street Journal

Oui to replace Wall Street Journal

Newsweek Magazine reported that in many ways the U.S. economy already resembles a European one and as boomers age and spending grows, America will become even more like the French.  In essence, everyone is becoming socialist. The article went on to say that the U.S. remains a center-right nation in many ways—particularly culturally, and our instinct, once the crisis passes, will be to try to revert to a more free-market style of capitalism—but it was, under a conservative GOP administration that we enacted the largest expansion of the welfare state in 30 years: prescription drugs for the elderly. People on the right and the left want government to invest in alternative energies in order to break our addiction to foreign oil. And it is unlikely that even the reddest of states will decline federal money for infrastructural improvements.

Authors Jon Meacham and Evan Thomas wrote that if we fail to acknowledge the reality of the growing role of government in the economy, insisting instead on fighting 21st-century wars with 20th-century terms and tactics, then we are doomed to a fractious and unedifying debate. The sooner we understand where we truly stand [we’re all socialists], the sooner we can think more clearly about how to use government in today’s world. Whether we like it or not—or even whether many people have thought much about it or not—the economic numbers clearly suggest that we are headed in a more European direction.

French approach to global warming

French approach to global warming

A decade ago U.S. government spending was 34.3 percent of GDP, compared with 48.2 percent in the euro zone—a roughly 14-point gap, according to the Organization for Economic Cooperation and Development. In 2010 U.S. spending is expected to be 39.9 percent of GDP, compared with 47.1 percent in the euro zone—a gap of less than 8 points. As entitlement spending rises over the next decade, we will become even more French. Bush brought the Age of Reagan to a close; now Obama has gone further, reversing Bill Clinton’s end of big government.

Some people say that entropy and chaos are part of nature and should be embraced and not resisted.

“Many of the early European settlers on the North American continent had fled Europe for religious freedom, limited government, and opportunity to do what they wanted by carving out hard lives in the mountains and on the plains, taming the rugged landscape and inventing new ways to raise crops and harvest them.  Then they invented unheard of manufacturing and household technologies that built an American economic monster that has been loved and hated around the globe as it freed people from tyranny and made them dependent on goods, services and luxuries that never existed before.  They brought order out of chaos and lifted hardship off the common man, and they fought against nature in the fields and human heart, while they traded worship of the earth for worship of a Judeo-Christian god that gave them inalienable rights.  What a bunch of anti-bureaucracy anti-nature anti-intellectual ass-holes,” said Manfred Friedhelm-Wainwright, a mental giant who knows best, because he can contemplate social-economic theory every day, having inherited a fortune from his dead father who built and sold several businesses during his life time — but apparently didn’t leave his son a lick of common sense.  “Chaos and disorder is natural.  Entropy and disintegration of systems is natural, even organic.  It’s the way all things should be.  Disorder and French pastries and economics are the ways of all good people.  Mailing some underwear to terrorists will work fine, I’m sure it would have stopped Hitler in his tracks and made Stalin rethink his purges.  And if not, well, chaos, mayhem and murder are like chaotic acts of nature and are for the best in the long run.  Just don’t pick on me, I’m above all this stuff and should be treated like royalty.  That’s all we socialists really want you know.”

Islam is a peaceful religion

Islam is a peaceful religion

In other news, Deseret News reported Sunday that Pentagon auditors say there is a possibility that the Army is missing nerve gas because there are discrepancies in records between how much chemical weapons agent was initially stored, and how much of it was later destroyed at Utah’s Deseret Chemical Depot and other bases nationwide. The auditors report said, “The (Army Chemical Materials) Agency didn’t have complete assurance that amounts recorded in the system were accurate, which increased its chances for heightened levels of program scrutiny by federal, state and international organizations that have a vested interest in the elimination of chemical weapons.” Such words can cause shivers among Utahans who remember such things as the death of thousands of sheep in Skull Valley in 1968 that were blamed on nerve gas tests that went awry at nearby Dugway Proving Ground, and Skull Valley residents who have blamed mysterious illnesses on exposure to tiny amounts of nerve agent from such tests. No word on why they’re bothered since chaos is natural, or if they’re going to protest by mailing underwear to military officials.

(C) 2009 InebriatedPress.com

Source articles:

Official: Yemen releases 170 al-Qaida suspects after they sign pledges against terrorism
http://www.nydailynews.com/news/us_world/2009/02/08/2009-02-08_official_yemen_releases_170_alqaida_susp.html

Underwear protest at India attack
http://news.bbc.co.uk/2/hi/south_asia/7880377.stm

We Are All Socialists Now
http://www.newsweek.com/id/183663/page/2

Nerve agent may be missing
http://deseretnews.com/article/content/mobile/1,5143,705283634,00.html?printView=true

Comments Off on Terrorists freed after promising to be good, Underwear protests, and, America goes Socialist

Filed under Humor, IP News

China marries Iran, Saudi’s say 10-year-old girls should marry, and there’s a new St. Pauli Girl for beer drinkers to lust after

> Report: Iran signs oil deal with China
> Saudi cleric: it’s an injustice to NOT marry girls aged 10
> Breaking news: A new St. Pauli Girl has been chosen!

Inebriated Press
January 21, 2009

St. Pauli Girl Van Derham

St. Pauli Girl Van Derham

Breitbart reported last week that Iran and China signed a $2 billion agreement that allows Chinese development of an Iranian oil field. The two countries did a similar deal in December 2007, and despite U.S. concerns, their commitment to one another continues to grow.  And Mail Online reported last week that Saudi Arabia’s most senior cleric said 10-year-old girls are ready for marriage, and people who say they’re too young are being “unfair” to them. Meanwhile, BrandFreak reported last week that German beer company St. Pauli Girl, has selected Slovakian model Katarina Van Derham, to appear as their faux German barmaid in future promotions. The quest for oil, beer and fine women — of all ages — rolls on like the timeless traditions of communist-dictatorships, drinking and underaged sex. 

“There’s no stopping Communists and Islamofascists from hooking up for mutual benefit, or slowing Muslim men from marrying baby girls or blowing themselves or others to bits,” said Misty Mae-Morningside, a barmaid and holder of the ‘2009 Beer Babe’ title down at the Shady Hollow Stripper Bar and Welding Helmet Lounge.  “I don’t know whether it’s in their DNA or part of the Middle Eastern education system, but screwing helpless girls and blowing up innocent women in the marketplace is like a damned tradition over there. The Chinese just need the oil so they don’t give a shit one way or another.  As far as the new Pauli Girl goes, she’s hot, but hasn’t got nothin’ on me.”

Wife to-be of 50-year-old Guy

Wife to-be of 50-year-old Guy

Some people say there are traditions that should end.  “Marrying-off 10-year-old Saudi girls or giving birth control patches to 11-year-old U.S. children at King Middle School in Maine, is as wrong as Communists and Islamofascists working together to strengthen themselves against the free West,” said Mabel Matron-Ironside, a shopkeeper and pro-establishment Virginian, whose only regret in life is that the South didn’t win the U.S. Civil War.  “Just because you call underage marriage a tradition doesn’t make it right, and just because you believe in sexual freedom that doesn’t mean you should slap chemical patches on school children so they avoid pregnancy but inherit a bunch of drug related side-effects.  Doesn’t anyone think through this stuff?  I’m not sure whose fault it is, but I’m guessing it’s those damn Yankees up North.  Son’s of bitches.”

090121_iran_oilBreitbart reported that Iran’s official news agency says the country has signed a $1.76 billion deal with China to develop the North Azadegan oil field in southwestern Iran near the Iraq border. The IRNA report says the deal was signed between the National Iranian Oil Company and the China National Petroleum Corp. Iran’s Oil Minister Gholam Hossein Nozari says the field has an estimated 6 billion barrels of crude oil and will produce 75,000 barrels of oil per day for 25 years. In December 2007, China’s biggest refiner, Sinopec, signed a $2 billion agreement with Iran to develop another Iranian oil field, the Yadavaran. The deals illustrate China’s strong business ties with Iran despite U.S. pressure over the Iranian nuclear program.

Sheikh Abdul-Aziz Al Sheikh

Sheikh Abdul-Aziz Al Sheikh

The UK Mail Online reported that ten-year-old girls are ready for marriage, according to Saudi Arabia’s most senior cleric. Sheikh Abdul-Aziz Al Sheikh, the country’s grand mufti, told Al Hayat newspaper that those saying ten or 12-year-old girls are too young to marry are being ‘unfair’ to them. Al Sheikh’s comments come at a time when Saudi human rights groups have been pushing the government to put an end to marriages involving the very young and to define a minimum age for marriage. In the past few months, Saudi newspapers have highlighted several cases in which young girls were married off to much older men or very young boys.

The report followed a ruling by a court in Oneiza in central Saudi Arabia last month that dismissed a divorce petition by the mother of an eight-year-old girl whose father married her off to a man in his 50s. Newspaper reports said the court argued that the mother did not have the right to file such a case on behalf of her daughter and said that the petition should be filed by the girl when she reaches puberty. There are no statistics to show how many marriages involving children are performed in Saudi Arabia every year.

Van Derham

Van Derham

BrandFreak reported that continuing a 26-year tradition of finding stunning women who look great in German barmaid’s attire to represent its signature beer, St. Pauli Girl has selected Katarina Van Derham as its new bar wench for 2009. The Slovakian model’s selection is unique in that the beer brand partnered with Maxim.com for an online vote. Her bio states: “Van Derham grew up in a small village in the woods of Slovakia, a communist country at the time. She moved to the United States at age 22, without any intention of becoming a model.” Van Derham has already appeared in ad campaigns for AT&T, Dodge and the Rockstar Energy Drink. In regards to her new role as a faux German barmaid, she says, “I am very honored and look forward to meeting St. Pauli Girl fans all over the country.”

Some people say that as long as you have fans you can do whatever you want.

St. Pauli Girl

St. Pauli Girl

“Let’s face it, success is driven by popularity. Iranian President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad is popular with Jew haters, the Chinese are popular with Iran’s government because they need cash and political support, young girls are popular with old men and St. Pauli girl is popular with men of all ages.  It’s popularity that gives you money, power and freedom — unless you’re a Muslim girl of course — then you’re just screwed,” said Strawberry Dackari, a sweet tasting drink that will nonetheless leave you heaving and with a hangover if you imbibe too much.  “I may be nothing more than the figment of your imagination or a combination of alcohol, sugar and fruit, but I know about popularity.  It got an unknown community organizer elected to the most powerful position in the world.  Brand Obama will rule the globe and he can do whatever he wants. I’ll bet St. Pauli Girl is his if he wants her.  I wonder what he really does want … I mean besides power? I suppose time will tell.  It usually does.”

090121-google-apps

St. Google Girl?

In other news, the Cincinnati Enquirer reported last week that in the Cincinnati area, where legend holds that trends come 10 years late, “sexting” arrived well ahead of time. Teens there are taking nude photos of themselves or others, sending them on their cell phones or posting them online. Some teens do it as a joke. For others, it’s the new bold pickup line to get a date. A year ago, a 19-year-old Goshen cheerleading coach was charged and prosecuted for a misdemeanor, contributing to the unruliness of a child, for taking a topless photo of herself and a 15-year-old girl. A Glen Este Middle School boy was taken to juvenile court during the last school year for taking explicit photos of his girlfriend. “It’s ‘Kids Gone Wild,’ with technology being provided by the parents,” according to Jim Brown, school resource officer at Glen Este High School. No word on how Saudi clerics feel about this, but since these incidents involve girls older than 10 and the issue isn’t marriage to 50 year-old men, it’s kind of hard to decide which society the suicide bombers should attack.

(C) 2009 InebriatedPress.com

Source articles:

Report: Iran signs oil deal with China
http://www.breitbart.com/article.php?id=D95N2SAO0&show_article=1

It’s an injustice to NOT marry girls aged 10, says Saudi cleric
http://www.dailymail.co.uk/news/worldnews/article-1115624/Its-injustice-NOT-marry-girls-aged-10-says-Saudi-cleric.html

Important breaking news: A new St. Pauli Girl has been chosen!
http://www.brandfreak.com/2009/01/important-breaking-news-a-new-st-pauli-girl-has-been-chosen.html

Maine Middle School May Drug 11 Year Old Girls with Birth Control Patches
http://www.naturalnews.com/022934.html

Teens bare all on phones
http://news.cincinnati.com/article/20090113/NEWS0102/901130326

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Rocket Ship Rides, Nuclear Iran, and Sperm Donor Extraordinaire

XCOR will put you in space for only $95,000
Experts warn Barack Obama of an impending nuclear Iran
Sperm donor fathers 46 children

Inebriated Press
December 4, 2008

XCOR Lynx

XCOR Lynx

XCOR Aerospace announced Tuesday that they have begun selling rides to the edge of space for just $95,000 per flight. Participants will fly aboard the Lynx, a two-seat suborbital vehicle. And the U.K. Times Online reported yesterday that Tehran is on course to produce a nuclear bomb in the first year of an Obama administration, a coalition of top think-tanks has warned.  Meanwhile, a Dutchman known as Europe’s most committed sperm donor says he’s fathered 46 children and is willing to keep at it. Pundits are debating the risk-reward profiles of being blasted into space by XCOR, being blasted off the face of the earth by Iranians, or guys just blasting away in an effort to support spermless women on a quest for the parenthood frontier.

“At some point in everyone’s life, we’re all on some kind of a search for adventure, power or procreation, it’s just the way human nature is,” said Hazel Rae Harlequin, an experimental scientist and occasional plumber, who often contemplates human existence, birth control and the laying of pipe; sometimes all at once. “I’d love to ride a rocket and have a couple kids but there’s no way that the Iranians should get to have a nuclear weapon.  If I sign up at XCOR and they blow me up, I’ll have understood the risk.  If I get kids from marriage or a sperm donor and they make my life a mess, it’s my own fault; I’ll have understood the risk.  But if the Iranians get nukes and start blowing up shit, that’ll only be my fault if I’m on the side of people who let them.  I won’t be on that side.  Common people, stop them.  If you don’t, you’ll share responsibility with them for the crazy shit that they do. Do you want that guilt? Do you want to live with blood on your hands?”

081204-sperm-crisisNot everyone agrees with Harlequin.  “Nothing is anyone’s fault; there are no moral absolutes or ethical responsibilities.  We do what we do, have a good time if we can, and die, that’s it,” said Harney O’Dickwadd, a professor of ethics from San Francisco, who despises common sense and head colds, but routinely refuses treatment for both.  “Whether you’re riding rockets into space, blowing up people you disagree with, or knocking up chicks with reckless abandon, it’s all the same.  If it was fun then that’s a reward worth the risk.  If you blow yourself up by accident, spread bad genes or disease, or something else happens that makes you unhappy, then it wasn’t worth it.  It’s all about me and having a good time.  I don’t care about anyone else.  I’m not responsible for anything I do.  And the U.S. government agrees.  They proved that by bailing out stupid mortgage lenders who mismanaged their businesses to the tune of $700 billion.  It’s the new morality baby.  Personal responsibility is dead, and is government approved.  I’m lovin it!”

Jules Klar, founder of Phoenix, Arizona-based RocketShip Tours, announced in a XCOR press release this week that his company is now selling rides to the edge of space for $95,000 per flight. Participants will fly aboard the Lynx, a two-seat suborbital vehicle being built by California-based XCOR Aerospace. XCOR Chief Test Pilot and three-time Space Shuttle Pilot and Commander, Rick Searfoss said the Lynx will carry people or payloads to the edges of space up to four times a day. Seated next to him in the co-pilot seat, participants will experience the thrill of a lifetime. The awe- inspiring view of the curvature of Earth, the thin blue mantle of the atmosphere below, and inky blackness of space above will provide participants with unforgettable memories beyond description. Klar said he was inspired by the revolutionary Lynx suborbital vehicle because it offers participants a unique and intimately personal experience. “You’re sitting in a cockpit in the co-pilot’s seat beside your astronaut pilot, with a panoramic view of the stars above and Earth below. It is the ride of your life!”

Ahmadinejad

Ahmadinejad

Times Online reported that Iran poses the greatest foreign policy challenge to Barack Obama, the U.S. President-elect, with Tehran on course to produce a nuclear bomb in the first year of an Obama administration, according to a coalition of top think-tanks. The warning came in a report entitled “Restoring the Balance”. The Middle East strategy for the President-elect was drafted by the Council for Foreign Relations and the Brookings Institution. Mr Obama must keep his promises of direct talks with Tehran and engage the Middle East region as a whole if he is to halt a looming crisis that could be revisited on the US, the experts said. Gary Samore, one of the authors, said that the level of alarm over the “hornet’s nest” facing the President-elect in the Middle East, and the need for the swift adoption of previously untested approach, had inspired the decision to write policy for him. “New administrations can choose new policies but they can’t choose next contexts,” Mr Samore said.

Help wanted

Help wanted

United Press International reported that a Dutchman known as Europe’s most committed sperm donor says he’s fathered 46 children and is willing to keep at it. “I do it because I know how hard it is for people who desperately want a child,” said Ed Houben, a tourism guide from Maastricht. One of the reasons Houben is so popular, he said, is because many men stopped donating sperm three years ago when the United Kingdom said donors no longer could remain anonymous. As a result, British women are going to other countries to find a sperm donor or having sperm samples sent to them, said Houben, noting women find out about him through the Internet and through word of mouth. Houben, who said he’s never had sex with any of his children’s mothers, recently held a party at his home for his children and their families. “The kids had the chance to play with their half-brothers and sisters, which was nice, said Houben.

Some people say that there’s way too much sex and violence in the world and that if XCOR could launch some common decency into the Middle East, they’d happily pay twice the $95,000.

“People spend way too much time worrying about sex and violence instead of living day-to-day with good common sense, a modicum of personal responsibility and just being nice to each other,” said a passing postal recipient, whose rippling biceps and muscular torso often distracts people from hearing what he’s saying. “I’m not a prude who believes that everyone has to think the way I do, or even a person who is against blowing up another nation if they deserve it.  But to call for the destruction of another country because they’re Jewish, like Iran has, or to use innocent taxpayers’ money to bail out millionaire CEO’s who mismanaged their company’s, is just wrong.  This story would have been so much better if it could have been written about sperm donors and fun trips on rockets without having to consider an Iranian prompted nuclear holocaust.  If the Iranian citizens won’t do it, then we have to take down President Ahmadinejad and his nuclear ambitions.  It’s as simple and as complicated as that.  A sad truth perhaps, but a truth just the same.”

In other news, Associated Press reported Monday that a Muslim graveyard in India has refused to bury nine gunmen who terrorized Mumbai over three days last week, leaving at least 172 people dead and wreaking havoc at some of its most famous landmarks. The men are not true followers of the Islamic faith, according to the influential Muslim Jama Masjid Trust, which runs the 7.5-acre (three-hectare) Badakabrastan graveyard in downtown Mumbai. “People who committed this heinous crime cannot be called Muslim,” said Hanif Nalkhande, a trustee. “Islam does not permit this sort of barbaric crime.” No word on how Nalkhande feels about Iran’s plan to wipe Israel off the face of the earth, or Dutchmen who donate sperm to the spermless, but perhaps the fact that a Muslim has declared other Muslims wrong when they indiscriminately killed other people, will offer some hope to those of us who just want to pursue a little bit of life, liberty and happiness, before we slip the surly bonds of earth and touch the face of God.

(C) 2008 InebriatedPress.com

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Booby Traps, Money Saving Sex, and Muslim P.R.

Women with chloroform on their boobs knock out and rob men
Britons ‘saving money with sex’
Muslims worry about image after Mumbai terrorism

Inebriated Press
December 3, 2008

Thieving Cleavage

Thieving Cleavage

Agence France Presse reported last week that a gang of robbers in Uganda have been using women with chloroform smeared on their chests to knock their victims unconscious and rob them. And BBC News reported Monday that as the credit crunch bites, Britons may be turning to sex as a cheap way to pass the time.  Meanwhile Associated Press reported Sunday that many Muslims say they are worried that the carnage in Mumbai, India, brought on by Islamic militants may cause people to have negative feelings about their religion. Some pundits are debating the benefits of sex to save money or acquire it, while others ponder the notion that Muslims could gain positive public relations if they’d just stop killing people they disagree with.

“You don’t have to give away sex as a religion to gain popularity, or even use sex as a come-on to get good publicity. In most cases, not killing innocent people indiscriminately in public will be perceived as a good thing,” said Ahem Bacon, a religious expert and former Muslim who was persecuted because of his last name.  “If mainstream Muslims will come out against the terroristic behavior of people in their faith — and that includes coming out against Hamas, Al Qaeda, Iranian President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad, Hezbollah, the PLO, the rioters who protested cartoons in Demark, plus the legions of other Muslim whacko’s like them — maybe infidels who want to live safe and quiet lives will think better of them.  Of course if they’d open a few ‘Arabian Knight Hot-Babe Harem’ strip clubs or offer money-saving sex it wouldn’t hurt either, but that’s probably a stretch.”

Mubai Attack

Mubai Attack

Not everyone agrees with Bacon.  “No one named Bacon carries any weight in the area of religion or Sharia law, and such talk should be banned, and such people who suggest a Muslim speak against another Muslim for any reason, should be beheaded as should all infidels, god willing,” said Musomad High-Top Lincoln-Logg, a fair weather friend and scholar often confused with a thug.  “There should be no talk of sex or breasts unless the Muslim elders offer female children to tribal leaders for such occasions, then its fine.  Our laws allow men to do whatever they want and require women to be subservient on all occasions.  This is gods’ way and we will religiously enforce that among our people and eventually upon all tolerant civilizations who must ultimately bend to our will.  The Taliban and Al Qaeda display the true way for us to follow, and with the help of Saudi money we will continue to expand across Europe and America until we have obtained the greatest peace for all, as civilization comes under our thumb.  No more boobies or money saving sex for you unless you’re a member of our clan!”

Associated Press reported that ten gunmen attacked 10 targets in the three-day assault including a Jewish community center and luxury hotels in India’s commercial hub. More than 170 people were killed. Muslims from the Middle East to Britain and Austria condemned the Mumbai shooting rampage by Islamic militants as senseless terrorism, but also found themselves on the defensive once again about bloodshed linked to their religion. Intellectuals and community leaders called for greater efforts to combat religious fanaticism. Indian police said Sunday that the only surviving gunman told them he belongs to the Pakistani militant group Lashkar-e-Taiba. The group is reported to have links with al-Qaida.

Muslim wrought carnage

Muslim wrought carnage

Many Muslims said they are worried such carnage is besmirching their religion. In Britain, home to nearly two million Muslims, a spokesman for the Muslim Council of Britain, Inayat Bunglawala, said that “a handful of terrorists like this bring the entire faith into disrepute.” However, in Islamic Web forums, some praised the Mumbai attacks, including the targeting of Jews. A man identified as Sheik Youssef al-Ayeri said the killings are in line with Islam. In the Gaza Strip, the territory’s Islamic militant Hamas rulers declined comment. Hamas has carried out scores of suicide attacks in Israel, killing hundreds of civilians in recent years. Iranian President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad referred to the attacks as terrorism, but added that the violence is rooted in “unjust policies.” The Saudi Press Agency said that it “strongly condemns and denounces this criminal act.” However, Jonathan Fighel, an Israeli counterterrorism expert, said Saudi organizations have been funneling money to Muslim militants in Kashmir. “This demonstrates exactly the double game and, I would say, the hypocrisy of the Saudi regime,” said Fighel.

Money saving technique

Money saving technique

BBC News reported that a YouGov survey of 2,000 adults found sex was the most popular free activity, ahead of window shopping and gossiping. The article said that as the credit crunch bites, Britons are turning to sex as a cheap way to pass the time. The Scots were most amorous with 43% choosing sex over other pastimes, compared with 35% in South England. Aids charity the Terrence Higgins Trust, which published the survey, also welcomed recent figures showing an increase in condom sales. Around one in 10 respondents to the survey, carried in November, said their favorite free activity was window shopping and 6% chose going to a museum as the cheapest way to pass the time. But the sexes differed on their priorities, with women preferring to gossip with friends while men had sex firmly at the top of their list. 
 

Unsafe cleavage

Unsafe cleavage

Agence France Presse (AFP) reported that Uganda’s police are warning male bar-goers to be careful after a probe found a gang of robbers had been using women with chloroform smeared on their chests to knock their victims unconscious. “They apply this chemical to their chest. We have found victims in an unconscious state,” Criminal Investigations Directorate (CID) spokesman Fred Enanga told AFP. “You find the person stripped totally naked and everything is taken from him,” he said. “And the victim doesn’t remember anything. He just remembers being in the act of romancing.” Enanga, who explained that several types of heavy sedatives had been used, said he first came across the practice last year when an apprehended thief named Juliana Mukasa made a clean breast of the matter. While early investigations suggest that the gang may consist of dozens of members, the source of the sedatives remains unknown.

Some people say that sex and sedatives are the best way to combat fear of Islamofascism.

“Our increasingly ‘progressive’ and ‘tolerant’ Western societies are bending over backwards to accommodate intolerant and hateful Muslim religion while suppressing traditional Christian-Judeo faiths and even use of the words ‘Merry Christmas’ during the holiday season; and since the U.S. has decided to move further to the left by electing Obama, I guess the best we can do now is have lots of cheap sex and take plenty of heavy sedatives to remain calm and relaxed,” said someone claiming to be Doctor Joyce Brothers, an old pop psychologist drug out for all occasions.  “So forget being afraid and embrace a new fearless lifestyle, heck forget worrying about safe sex or radical Muslims and all the rest. They’re just alternative life-styles. We really should be more tolerant you know.  What’s a few beheadings, public massacres or a couple of STD’s?  No worries mate. Get it on.”

Dr Groper

Dr Groper

In other news, the UK Mail Online reported that Dr Parag Bhatt, 44, fondled the breasts of six female patients at his surgery over a five-month period, a court has heard. One woman went in with a suspected broken finger and had her breast massaged, while the GP groped another patient with one hand as he worked on a computer, it was alleged. One complainant was a 17-year-old who had dry skin around her nipple. Bhatt told her to take her bra off and lie on the couch. He started to play with her breasts with his fingers around her nipples and was breathing heavily. The doctor was arrested on October 4 last year. The hearing continues. No word on whether other doctors feel Bhatt may be hurting the image of their profession, but reports out of the mammography wing indicate plenty of boob pressing and grabbing is still going on unabated.

(C) 2008 InebriatedPress.com

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