Tag Archives: islamofascism

Home Grown US Terrorism, Breastfeeding Boosts GPA, and Most American’s are Conservatives

> American-born Islamic murderer spikes fear of more
> Breastfeeding leads to higher grade point average and college attendance
> Gallup poll: 40% of Americans are conservative, 35% moderate, 21% liberal

Inebriated Press
June 17, 2009

Harvesting higher IQ's and better GPA's

Harvesting higher IQ's and better GPA's

Associated Press reported Monday that an American-born Tennessee youth who became an Islamic extremist and then murdered U.S. Army recruiter Pvt. William Andrew Long on June 1 while he stood outside his Arkansas office smoking a cigarette, is sparking fears that there may be more.  And United Press International reported Monday that a new study shows that breastfeeding is associated with an increase in high school grade point average, and an increase in odds of attending college.  Meanwhile, Gallup reported on Monday that 40% of Americans interviewed in a new poll say their political views are conservative, while 35% consider themselves moderate, and 21% are liberal.  Pundits are debating how to get more people to breastfeed so their IQ’s are higher and they vote using common sense, so the U.S. will return to a free market economy, support individual and states’ rights, and fight terrorism in a practical waterboarding-if-necessary way in America and abroad.

Some guy named Zachary

Some guy named Zachary

“I think that with all the other crap the Democrats are sticking into their multi-trillion-dollar spending bills that we should be able to slip a breastfeeding provision into the healthcare bill.  If it’s found-out and fought by liberals, we may be able to get Bill Clinton to support it and offset them; I know he’s into breasts and stuff.  And once American’s are breastfeeding during office breaks and so-on, we’ll drive up the nations IQ average to a level where we’ll start behaving like traditional common-sense America again,” said Zachary Taylor-Maid, a golf shop pro and breast milk aficionado.  “I mean there’s serious shit to do, and we have to do it fast.  Obama is bankrupting the country and setting the stage for hyper inflation.  China, Russia and India are bailing U.S. Treasury’s and with U.S. printing presses hemorrhaging thousand dollar bills our currency will become worthless.  Meanwhile, he’s giving Miranda rights to terrorists in Afghanistan and taking away individual freedoms from Americans — all the way down to our friggin pocket knives.  Traditional America is on the ropes here.  The recent Republican Congress screwed up, but Obama and the Democrat Congress have us on a course to become a third world economy run by a Latin American styled dictatorship.  I’m worried whether there’s enough breast milk in America to turn this thing around as fast as we need to.”

Someone named Amy

Someone named Amy

“Not everyone thinks like Taylor-Maid.  “I’d be willing to chip-in a little breast milk if I was lactating, if I actually thought that creating a human breast milk product for American’s would be good for the country.  But let’s face it, this is crazy talk.  If you think that breast milk is better for you than Jack Daniels then you’ll probably also believe that Barack Obama doesn’t understand basic economics, rule of law and the U.S. Constitution.  We all know deep down that Barry is like a god and is doing an ingenious job of saving our country,” said Amy Clambake-Hymlick, an alfalfa sprout inspector and part-time nudist.  “The crazy right needs to chill out and realize that there are going to be an occasional US-born Islamic killer who shoots people because he disagrees with them. We’re all part of the whole world now, and there’ll probably be some Islamic extremist beheadings of Christians in the U.S. and there’ll probably be a few complaints when Barack creates his internal army and takes Americans guns and pocketknives away.  But it’s all part of the hope and change plan.  It’s nothing to worry about; Barry is simply integrating America into the world and making it more like a combination of the Middle East, Western Europe and Latin America.  Old style Constitutional law, individual freedom and free market economics don’t fit his vision.  It’s time we relax and get used to it.”

Arkansas JihadAssociated Press reported that Carlos Bledsoe’s transformation from Tennessee youth to an American-born Islamic extremist charged in a bloody rampage outside an Arkansas military recruiting station may signal an ominous new wave of violent homegrown jihadists, counterterror officials say. National security officials have long feared the emergence of a new breed of American militants who would raise little suspicion as they move in and out of the country carrying out the aims of terrorist groups like al-Qaida. Abdulhakim Muhammad, who grew up in Memphis, Tenn., converted to the Islamic faith, changed his name from Bledsoe, and traveled to Yemen in 2007. He was later arrested for overstaying his visa and deported back to the U.S. Muhammad was charged with killing Pvt. William Andrew Long, 23, of Conway, Ark., who had just completed basic training and was volunteering at the west Little Rock recruiting office before starting an assignment in South Korea. He was shot dead on June 1 while smoking a cigarette outside the building. An FBI-Homeland Security intelligence assessment document suggested Muhammad may have considered targeting other locations, including Jewish and Christian sites in several eastern U.S. cities.

Pvt. William Andrew Long

Pvt. William Andrew Long

Muhammad, 23, told The Associated Press in a jail cell interview last week that the shootings were an “act for the sake of God, for the sake of Allah, the Lord of all the world, and also a retaliation on U.S. military.” Earlier this year four Muslim ex-convicts were arrested in New York for allegedly plotting to bomb synagogues and shoot down military planes. While federal authorities foiled the plan, the incident inflamed concerns about the spread of Islamic extremism in prisons. Counterterrorism officials warn that unless individuals attract attention either through criminal behavior or even threat-laced Internet postings, U.S.-born radicals — particularly those operating alone — could go unseen until they take action. “One of the scariest things is that we don’t have a profile for how someone becomes radicalized,” said counterterrorism expert Matthew Levitt. “It’s different for everybody.”

This is raising his IQ, right?

This is raising his IQ, right?

United Press International reported that breastfeeding was associated with an increase in high school grade point average and an increase in the odds of attending college, U.S. researchers said. The study, published in the Journal of Human Capital, looked at the academic achievement of siblings — one of whom was breast fed as an infant and one of whom was not — found that an additional month of breastfeeding was associated with an increase in high school GPA of 0.019 points and an increase in the probability of college attendance of 0.014. “The results of our study suggest that the cognitive and health benefits of breast feeding may lead to important long-run educational benefits for children,” Sabia said in a statement.

Click to enlarge

Click to enlarge

Gallup.com reported that thus far in 2009, 40% of Americans interviewed in national Gallup Poll surveys describe their political views as conservative, 35% as moderate, and 21% as liberal. This represents a slight increase for conservatism in the U.S. since 2008, returning it to a level last seen in 2004. The 21% calling themselves liberal is in line with findings throughout this decade, but is up from the 1990s. These annual figures are based on multiple national Gallup surveys conducted each year, in some cases encompassing more than 40,000 interviews. The 2009 data are based on 10 separate surveys conducted from January through May. Thus, the margins of error around each year’s figures are quite small, and changes of only two percentage points are statistically significant. Thus far in 2009, Gallup has found an average of 36% of Americans considering themselves Democratic, 28% Republican, and 37% independent. When independents are pressed to say which party they lean toward, 51% identify as Democrats, 39% as Republicans, and only 9% as pure independents.

Living on the edge

Living on the edge

In other news, Forbes reported on Saturday that driving is the greatest threat to a woman’s health. If you’re like most women, you probably think breast cancer or maybe heart disease is the greatest risk to your health. Guess again. The real culprit is getting behind the wheel. Automobile accidents are the leading cause of death in women under the age of 35, according to the Centers for Disease Control, and are also a major cause of traumatic brain injury and fatality in women of all ages. But before you throw in your keys for good, a wealth of new research shows that auto accidents are highly preventable. The single best way to stay safe can be summed up like so: “Avoid getting distracted while operating your vehicle.” 

Ben & Jerry'sNo word on whether consuming breast milk or driving during lactation has any impact, but American’s were certainly distracted during the recent elections and the country has crashed into a ditch and our leadership has accelerated us toward a massive cliff.  Here’s hoping we come to our senses with or without pausing for afternoon breast milk breaks.  Mmmm IQ-building GPA-enhancing sweet-breast-milk breaks … who cares what Obama is doing!     Sorry about that, I think Obama & Company may be driving me mad.

(C) 2009 InebriatedPress.com

Source articles:

Recruiter shootings spark homegrown terror fears
http://news.yahoo.com/s/ap/20090615/ap_on_go_ca_st_pe/us_homegrown_radicals?ic

Breastfeeding may boost grades
http://www.upi.com/Health_News/2009/06/15/Breastfeeding-may-boost-grades/UPI-27101245042298/

“Conservatives” Are Single-Largest Ideological Group
http://www.gallup.com/poll/120857/Conservatives-Single-Largest-Ideological-Group.aspx

Driving is the real threat to a woman’s health
http://www.ctv.ca/servlet/ArticleNews/story/CTVNews/20090611/Forbes_women_health_090613/20090613?s_name=Autos

Comments Off on Home Grown US Terrorism, Breastfeeding Boosts GPA, and Most American’s are Conservatives

Filed under Humor, IP News

Miranda Rights for Terrorists, Pocket Knife Bans for Americans, and Men Reject Centerfolds for Miss Average

> Obama Administration Orders U.S. Miranda rights for Afghan Combatants
> Obama Administration’s New Rules would Ban Legal Pocketknives in U.S.
> Researchers say Men Prefer Regular Women over Playboy Models

Inebriated Press \ Division of Rant (with Pretzels)
June 15, 2009

Hope and Change Baby

Hope and Change Baby

The Weekly Standard reported Wednesday that the Obama Justice Department has ordered FBI agents to read Miranda rights to high value detainees captured and held at U.S. detention facilities in Afghanistan.  This means they get the same rights as an American arrested for speeding on a U.S. street, and can have a government attorney defend them if they want one.  And WorldNetDaily reported Tuesday that the U.S. Customs and Border Protection Agency is proposing a new definition that could be used to eliminate 8 of 10 legal pocketknives in the United States.  Meanwhile, the Herald Sun reported Friday that researchers have found that men think real women come closest to the ideal body shape rather than the figures of Playboy centerfolds.  Pundits debate why Obama is giving terrorists rights and taking them away from Americans, while men at Inebriated Press exercise their right to hook up with the girls-next door.

Average Jane for Average Joe

Average Jane for Average Joe

“I like my women silicon-free, smart and nice and not so into themselves that they think they have to look like a Playboy chick or act like Paris Hilton in order to get a date.  I also like my pocketknives long and easy to open, and terrorists who try to kill Americans put on a waterboard if it’ll help our cause.  Okay so I’m not cut from the same cloth Obama or Hugh Hefner is — I’m actually happy about that,” said Joe Shmo-Studd, a commodities trader and part-time bouncer down at Susie’s Regular Girl and Regular Guy Beer Emporium.  “Obama said he loved America and wanted to change it, and by damn he’s changing it alright.  I wonder what he loved about it?  Obviously it’s not the individual freedom and opportunity provided to regular Americans.  He’s taking away our freedoms, giving unjustified rights to terrorists, and mortgaging several generations’ futures by spending money we don’t have.  I’m praying that the Republican Party get’s it’s shit together and behaves like Reagan did, and can take Congress back next year.  I like regular women, regular knives and common sense that favor Americans in combat.  It’s not complicated.  It shouldn’t be complicated.  Liberal philosophy that hurts Americans and helps its enemy’s is bullshit.  Obama really believes the anti-American crap his pals Bill Ayers and Rev. Jeremiah Wright were dishing out.  The proof’s in his actions.  They speak way louder than his words.”

Can't compete with Average

Can't compete with Average

Not everyone agrees with Shmo-Studd.  “Barack Obama is doing what’s right by leveling the playing field in the world and making the globe a better, fairer and more equitable place.  Soon America’s economy will be at a third world country level and it’ll be ruled by an old-school Latin American styled dictatorship.  This is outstanding,” said some anti-American asshole recently appointed to the Obama Justice Department — or maybe it was a new Supreme Court Justice, I forget, they all act the same.  “As someone a lot like a left-wing Latino woman I’d explain how this benefits all Americans, but you’re probably just some white guy, or know of one, so you couldn’t understand because you lack the intellectual capacity derived from the experience I have of just being me.  You poor dumb bastard.  You probably think individual freedom, personal responsibility and the U.S. Constitution are useful.  You’re way behind the eight ball.  Not even close.  I’d pity you but we liberal intellectuals don’t really give a shit about anyone but ourselves.  At least the enlightened ones don’t.”

Beheading in War like binge drinking in Kansas

Beheading in War like binge drinking in Kansas

The Weekly Standard reported that the Obama Justice Department has quietly ordered FBI agents to read Miranda rights to high value detainees captured and held at U.S. detention facilities in Afghanistan, according to a senior Republican on the House Intelligence Committee. “The administration has decided to change the focus to law enforcement. Here’s the problem. You have foreign fighters who are targeting US troops today — foreign fighters who go to another country to kill Americans. We capture them and they’re reading them their rights — Mirandizing these foreign fighters,” says Representative Mike Rogers, who recently met with military, intelligence and law enforcement officials on a fact-finding trip to Afghanistan. The FBI and Justice Department plan to significantly expand their role in global counter-terrorism operations, part of a U.S. policy shift that will replace a CIA-dominated system of clandestine detentions and interrogations with one built around transparent investigations and prosecutions.

Obama montageAmericans are familiar with the Miranda warning — so named because of the landmark 1966 Supreme Court case Miranda v. Arizona that required police officers and other law enforcement officials to advise suspected criminals of their rights: “You have the right to remain silent. Anything you say can and will be used against you in a court of law. You have the right to speak to an attorney, and to have an attorney present during any questioning. If you cannot afford a lawyer, one will be provided for you at government expense.” Republicans on Capitol Hill are not happy. “When they mirandize a suspect, the first thing they do is warn them that they have the ‘right to remain silent,'” says Representative Pete Hoekstra, the ranking Republican on the House Intelligence Committee. “It would seem the last thing we want is Khalid Sheikh Mohammed or any other al-Qaeda terrorist to remain silent. Our focus should be on preventing the next attack, not giving radical jihadists a new tactic to resist interrogation–lawyering up.”

Banned for your protection

Banned for your protection

WorldNet Daily reported that the U.S. Customs and Border Protection Agency is proposing a new definition that could be used to eliminate 8 of 10 legal pocketknives in the United States right now, according to activists who are gearing up to fight the plan. The federal bureaucracy is accepting comments – written only – that must be received by June 21 before its planned changes could become final, and Doug Ritter of KnifeRights.org, said the implications of the decision would be far-reaching, since many state and federal agencies depend on the agency’s definitions to determine what is legal in the United States. Ritter said the effect of the proposed change would be that the new design in knives, many of which contain a tiny spring to help the user pull open the blade and lock it into position, would be classified alongside those true weapons where the user just presses a button and the blade is ejected. “They are saying that any knife that you can open quickly or any knife that you can open with one hand is therefore a switchblade,” Ritter told WND. Ritter suggested that up to 80 percent of the pocketknives sold in America today either are one-handed opening knives or so-called assisted opening knives – and they all suddenly would be classified as illegal switchblades.

Regular gals kick Playboy's ass; no wonder Playboy's broke

Regular gals kick Playboy's ass; no wonder Playboy's broke

The Herald Sun reported that far from idolizing slender models, it seems gentlemen actually prefer Miss Average. It turns out that while women turn to plastic surgery or fad diets to get the “perfect” body of supermodels and centerfolds, men find the girl next door more appealing. Most attractive of all is Miss Average who stands at 163cm, with a 76cm waist and 102cm hips, a study found. Researchers asked 100 male students to rate the attractiveness of more than 200 drawings of female torsos of different sizes. They then compared those considered most attractive with the vital statistics of eight groups, including models, Playboy centerfolds and typical members of the population. The real women came closest to the ideal body shape identified in the first part of the study. And the most appealing measured equivalent to a size 14. Curvy women were also judged more appealing than either athletic types or long-legged, big-chested “Barbies”.

Drunk babes prep for Miranda rights

Drunk babes prep for Miranda rights

In other news, Metro reported Thursday that binge drinking used to affect men more frequently but now women are downing nearly as much alcohol. More than two-fifths of all 16 to 24-year-old women questioned in a study admitted going over recommended booze limits at least one day a week. “As a result, the number of young women drinking more than the recommended daily limit has now reached a similar level to that of young men,” according to the Office of National Statistics. No word on whether women who binge drink like pocketknives or if they prefer looking like the girl-next-door, but if they’re driving home drunk you can bet they know all about Miranda rights.  Or will real soon.

(C) 2009 InebriatedPress.com

Source articles:

Not Right
The Obama administration grants Miranda rights to detainees in Afghanistan.
http://www.weeklystandard.com/Content/Public/Articles/000/000/016/605iidws.asp

Obama move would eliminate 8 of 10 pocketknives
‘If this were to pass and you cross the state line with one, it’s a felony’
http://wnd.com/index.php?fa=PAGE.view&pageId=100679

Men reject centerfolds for Miss Average
Far from idolizing slender models, it seems gentlemen actually prefer Miss Average.
http://www.news.com.au/story/0,27574,25623858-36398,00.html

Female binge drinkers matching men
Binge drinking used to affect men more frequently but now women are downing nearly as much alcohol.
http://www.metro.co.uk/news/article.html?Female_binge_drinkers_matching_men&in_article_id=683888&in_page_id=34

Comments Off on Miranda Rights for Terrorists, Pocket Knife Bans for Americans, and Men Reject Centerfolds for Miss Average

Filed under Division of Rant (with Pretzels), Humor, IP News

Terrorists Roam Wild and Free, Pubs Get Hard-Ass Regulation, and Motherhood Goes on Ice

> Pakistani court frees radical cleric with link to India bombing
> Brit pubs face draconian regulations
> Aging women with future hopes freeze eggs now for later

Inebriated Press
May 3, 2009

Woman freezing her eggs

Woman freezing her eggs

The Washington Post reported Tuesday that a Pakistani court ordered the release of a hard-line Islamist cleric with ties to last year’s deadly attacks in the Indian city of Mumbai, setting the stage for a new round of tensions between the neighboring countries.  And Reason Online reported Monday that pointless regulations are ruining British pub life, as customers must stand in “post-office-style” lines, no drinking is allowed while in line, and no one can order more than two drinks at a time — regardless of whether they’re with a group.  Pubs that want to promote a discount special must notify police seven days in advance.  Meanwhile, Essential Baby reported that aging women who want to keep motherhood an option are freezing their unfertilized eggs for $12,000 a pop, hoping to have them thawed and fertilized in the future.  Inebriated reporters busying themselves by drinking three pints at a time in our news offices, and eating fried eggs by the dozen, thus destroying some chickens’ future, wonder when they should start buying assault rifles in preparation for the terrorists who will likely be showing up any day now.

AK-47 with proud owner

AK-47 with proud owner

“I’ve heard a lot of good things about AK-47’s and I guess even the Chinese versions of the Russian gun are pretty good.  With a little practice I could probably take down some asshole son-of-a-bitch Islamo bastard,” said Lacy Racy-Smoothbottom, a sweet talking, well toned part-time writer and full-time stripper down at the Lazy Space-Cadet Lounge and Hyperbolic Chamber.  “We may even have to use them to take the West back from Statism with all its bureaucratic over-regulation that stifles commerce, individual freedom and a good time.  The Islamofascist and Socialist-Statists are all bent on control and consolidating power over the individual.  It’s a crime against individual rights, free market economics and common sense.  As far as the egg freezing thing goes, I’m not up for that.  If I decide I want a family I’ll do it the old fashioned way.  Get married and get knocked up.  If it doesn’t work out we can adopt.  I’m not doing the $12,000 freeze-thaw, dump my guy’s sperm in a Petri dish and see what happens stuff.  I’m not saying its wrong or anything, but it’s not for me.  Call me old fashioned, but I like the physical effort of doing it myself.  If I can’t get pregnant we’ll adopt; nothing wrong with maybe saving a kid from some abortionist’s knife.  It might be the best thing for everybody.  Especially the kid.”

Prego hooters waitress in disgusting T

Prego hooters waitress in disgusting T

Not everyone agrees with Racy-Smoothbottom.  “No one should have an assault rifle or any weapon that can hurt another person.  As soon as we ban all guns we’ll have peace in our time.  The radical clerics just want to talk and reach an understanding,” said Heather Halfpint-Shorrt, an 8-month pregnant Hooters waitress currently suing the restaurant for making her wear a full sized T-shirt instead of a little halter top.  “And it’s good that Brit pubs are putting hard rules in place, we don’t have enough customer-control rules in Hooters.  We should make everyone pay tips in advance and let that determine how good the service is, and stuff like that.  As far as freezing my eggs now for later goes, well to be honest, I’m kind of past the point of caring about that.”

MumbaiThe Washington Post reported that Pakistan’s Lahore High Court’s decision to free radical cleric Hafiz Mohammed Saeed, a hard-liner linked to last year’s deadly attacks in the Indian city of Mumbai, came amid growing tension in Pakistan’s northwest, where security forces on Tuesday rescued dozens of students and teachers kidnapped by militants and where the army continues to battle Taliban fighters in the Swat Valley. India has demanded Pakistan vigorously pursue those behind the November siege of its commercial capital that killed 164 people and left nine of 10 gunmen dead. Pakistan has said it took several alleged suspects into custody, including Saeed, the head of a charity that the U.N. says is a front group for Lashkar-e-Taiba, the militant organization blamed in the attack. But the Muslim-majority country has a poor track record of prosecuting alleged militant leaders, and India and Pakistan argued for weeks after the attack over the proper amount of evidence needed to convict the suspected masterminds. On Tuesday morning, Saeed’s lawyer, A.K. Dogar, emerged from the courthouse to declare that jurists had decided Saeed’s continued detention was without basis. There was no immediate Indian comment Tuesday.

Back before draconian laws ...

Back before draconian laws ...

Reason Online reported that if you want to buy a drink at a pub in Oldham, northern England, you must stand in an orderly “post-office-style” line. It must be a straight line, starting one meter from the bar, with barriers, signage, and a “supervisor.” There must be no drinking while standing in line, and no drinking within one meter of the bar. Customers cannot order more than two drinks at one time. And if a pub wants to advertise discounted drinks, it must give the police and local council at least seven days’ notice. Pubs were once one of the most autonomous spaces in Britain; now they are one of the most regulated. The pub landlord has lost his dominion, and pubs need a local authority license for almost every possible activity that goes on within their walls. One Staffordshire pub hurriedly axed its 25-year-old dominos team, when police discovered that it lacked a license for sporting activity. Once the landlady had acquired a license, though, she discovered that nobody would be allowed to watch the dominos, since this “would constitute a live sporting event” and require a further license. The pub was also missing other key licenses, she said: “I was told that I couldn’t have music playing, I can have the TV on but with no sound. The regulars can’t sing any songs.” Dancing also requires official paperwork. One unlicensed York pub was threatened with a £20,000 fine, after an “impromptu jig by pensioner Mavis Brogden.” Police officers now have unprecedented legal powers over public houses.

Egg Harvest & You

Egg Harvest & You

Essential Baby reported Monday that more and more women who are single but aging and want to keep the option of motherhood open while not rushing into parenthood, are having their unfertilized eggs frozen before their fertility goes into decline.  An increasing number of women in their 30s, have opted for the treatment originally designed for those facing fertility-damaging cancer therapies. Women pay almost $12,000 to have unfertilized eggs extracted from their ovaries and then frozen and stored until they’re ready to try for a baby. In Brisbane, Australia each year, more than 100 women in their 30s are having their eggs frozen by the Queensland Fertility Group, which advertises its services to GPs and in newspapers and leaflets in women’s health clinics. “Social egg-freezing” has grown a lot over the past five years as techniques for egg-freezing have improved. Melbourne IVF, which has done 32 “social” egg freezes in the past decade, has now had two babies born from such eggs. According to Melbourne IVF fertility specialist Dr Kate Stern, new techniques have improved the survival rate of thawed eggs from one in five to six in 10.

Miss Atom 2009

Miss Atom 2009

In other news, MosNews reported Wednesday that Russia has selected Miss Atom 2009.  As usual, all the 350 contestants that competed for the title had one more thing in common, apart from being beautiful: they all work for the Russian nuclear industry. The beauty contest, held this year for the sixth time, only features employees of nuclear energy agencies and research institutions.  This year’s participants came from Russia, Ukraine, Belarus, Kazakhstan and Lithuania. The first prize, a trip to Cuba, went to Yekaterina Bulgakova, legal consultant at the Institute of Research for Atomic Reactors (NIIAR).  No word on whether she has her own AK-47, likes pub regulations or plans to have her eggs frozen now for later, but with that rare combination of both beauty and brains why would I worry about that?  Meet me in Cuba!

(C) 2009 InebriatedPress.com

Source articles:

Pakistan court orders release of Mumbai suspect
http://www.washingtonpost.com/wp-dyn/content/article/2009/06/01/AR2009060102953.html

Two Pints of Non-Alcoholic Lager and a Packet of Fat-Free Crisps
How pointless regulations are ruining British pub life
http://www.reason.com/news/show/133827.html

How ‘social egg-freezing’ is putting motherhood on ice
http://www.essentialbaby.com.au/parenting/conception/how-social-eggfreezing-is-putting-motherhood-on-ice-20090601-bs8o.html

Russia selects Nuclear Beauties 2009
http://www.mosnews.com/gallery/288.phtml

Comments Off on Terrorists Roam Wild and Free, Pubs Get Hard-Ass Regulation, and Motherhood Goes on Ice

Filed under Humor, IP News

Legalizing Marijuana for Tax Money, Obama Endangering America, and More Soldiers Getting Knocked Up

> California Government Broke, May Legalize Marijuana for New Tax Revenue
> Former U.S. V.P. says Terrorist attack more likely under Obama administration
> Growing Number of Servicewomen Getting Pregnant

Inebriated Press
May 12, 2009

At least it's not Crack!

At least it's not Crack!

The Christian Science Monitor reported Friday that California government officials say it is time to consider decriminalizing marijuana and imposing big revenue-generating state taxes on it.  And Sunday, The Washington Times reported that former Vice President Dick Cheney said that the Obama administrations dismantling of many of the policies and protections instituted by the Bush administration after the September 11, 2001 terrorist attacks, makes the country more vulnerable to another attack.  Meanwhile, the UK Daily Star reported Sunday that Britain will not allow pregnant servicewomen to serve in areas of “danger” and that at least 133 Brit service women have been sent home from Afghanistan and Iraq after getting pregnant. Others are becoming pregnant in Britain so they can’t be shipped to serve in other countries or at sea. Some people say, you do whatever it takes to get what you want in the short-term, regardless the long-term risk.

Someone named Emma

Someone named Emma

“It’s about now, everything really is, and you can’t do anything in the future if you’re killed in Iraq anyway, so get knocked up and stay home, you can always dump the kid in an orphanage.  And the key to fixing California’s budget crisis now is to legalize drugs – addictive ones are the best – and then tax them like crazy, we can always get the federal government to fund an anti-drug program later,” said Emma Hipflex-Microfibre, a geneticist and part-time dancer down at the Twist and Shout DNA Lounge.  “As far as Obama dismantling anti-terrorism strategies, prosecuting CIA officials for protecting the country and all of that; well, like he said, he won the election so he can do what he wants.  It’s an extension of his apology tour and shows that when he said there was no war against terror and that there were merely some people in other countries dissatisfied with America, that he actually believes that.  He’s got a 90% approval rating among Democrats and that’s his base.  Also the Arab’s like him better than Bush, and that’s important to him.  Who cares that only 17% of Republicans like him and that business is afraid of him.  If the U.S. is attacked again it’ll probably be a bunch of American’s at work like last time, and most of them are Republicans or conservatives anyway.  Obama’s got nothing to lose.”

Someone named Adriana

Someone named Adriana

Not everyone agrees with Hipflex-Microfibre.  “Near-term considerations are important, yes, but you can’t ignore the long-term ramifications of decisions being made today.  That’s true whether it’s Obama setting the stage today for a terrorist debacle tomorrow, the legalization of drugs today so governments are addicted to the tax revenue and end up drug pushers tomorrow, and a military force that appears the proper size today, but is suddenly slashed when a chunk of the soldiers are voluntarily knocked up and out of commission tomorrow.  We can’t afford to behave like this,” said Adriana Nodoze-Spasm, an aluminum welder and part-time medium who twitches a lot and hasn’t slept since Obama’s inauguration due to the visions she’s been having.  “I’m a hell of a welder and can stick together most metals under almost any condition, but I can’t weld that kind of logic into a solid piece of rationality that is structurally sound.  I’m not saying that some of this crap won’t work near-term, but it’s the long-term that has me concerned.  And I eat right, work out and stay in shape, so I’m planning to be around in the long-term.  We’ve got to think smarter about this shit.”

Do it, Smoke it, Tax it

Do it, Smoke it, Tax it

The Christian Science Monitor reported that California’s governor said it was time to debate legalizing marijuana, and a new nationwide poll suggests a majority of voters favor decriminalizing the drug. California Assemblyman Tom Ammiano, (D) from San Francisco, has proposed legislation to begin treating marijuana like alcohol – giving anyone over 21 the right to use it but taxing it heavily. Taxing marijuana, supporters of Mr. Ammiano’s bill say, could bring the cash-strapped state $1.3 billion annually. Already the state collects about $18 million annually from medical marijuana. In a poll released last Wednesday by Zogby International, 52 percent of voters said they would support legalizing, taxing, and regulating marijuana use. According to the Drug Enforcement Administration (DEA), marijuana is the most commonly used illicit drug in the country. “It’s hard to say that using marijuana will ruin your life when the last three American presidents are admitted marijuana users,” said Paul Armentano, deputy director of the National Organization for the Reform of Marijuana Laws (NORML).

Don't worry, Obama has things under control

Don't worry, Obama has things under control

The Washington Times reported that former Vice President Dick Cheney on Sunday said that the country is more vulnerable to a potential terrorist attack since the Obama administration took power. Mr. Cheney said that administration’s dismantling of many of the policies and protections instituted by President George W. Bush after the September 11, 2001 terrorist attacks — including the planned closing of the Guantanamo Bay detention camp in Cuba and halting controversial prisoner interrogation techniques — have made the country more vulnerable to future attacks. “That’s my belief,” Mr. Cheney said on CBS’ “Face the Nation.” “I think to the extent that those [Bush-era] policies were responsible for saving lives, that the administration is now trying to cancel those policies … means in the future we’re not going to have the same safeguards we’ve had for the last eight years.”

New tactics for a new world

New tactics for a new world

The former vice president defended controversial interrogation techniques such as waterboarding, saying that it had been an effective tool in extracting useful information from suspected terrorists such as Khalid Shaikh Mohammed, who is accused of helping carry out the Sept. 11 terrorist attacks Washington and New York. “He did not cooperate fully in terms of interrogations until after waterboarding,” Mr. Cheney said. “Once we went through that process, he produced vast quantities of invaluable information about al Qaida.” Mr. Obama in January banned the practice on prisoners by U.S. interrogators. Mr. Cheney said he believes it’s his duty to speak out against the Obama administration “because I think the issues that are at stake here are so important.”

Hard men are good to find, or something like that

Hard men are good to find, or something like that

The Daily Star reported that at least 133 Brit servicewomen have been sent home from Afghanistan and Iraq after getting pregnant. 102 of British servicewomen returned early from Iraq between January 1, 2003 and February 28 of this year because they were expecting. And at least 31 female squaddies were flown home from Afghanistan for the same reason. Some are becoming pregnant before leaving Britain and others while on their mid-tour two-week rest and recuperation break. Many will have conceived by romping while on operations – potentially breaking forces’ rules. Pregnant women cannot be sent to Iraq or Afghanistan, nor can they go to sea in the Royal Navy. The shocking numbers were released by the Ministry of Defence (MoD) after a Freedom of Information request by the Daily Star Sunday. An MoD spokesman said: “All our forces are expected to behave within the Armed Forces Code of Conduct. If women become or discover they are pregnant on operations they are returned to the UK at the first  opportunity for their own wellbeing and to preserve  effectiveness.” Sex between servicemen and women in Iraq or Afghanistan could lead to misconduct charges if it caused a drop in military efficiency. Some observers say sex on tour cannot be stopped.

Others say sex plus violence is the biggest rush of all.

Babe without babe, some just soldier on

Babe without babe, some just soldier on

“You will never separate sex and violence, and that’s true whether it’s in the movies or on the battlefield.  They go together like adrenaline, testosterone and estrogen — it’s the bodies minefield and procreation system all lumped together, the way nature intended,” said a passing soldier and part-time healthcare philosopher who volunteered for duty in Iraq five years ago, and volunteers for duty daily to help female soldiers get knocked up.  “Until you’ve survived battlefield conditions fighting side by side and then get tucked in together safely in a quiet place in the peace that falls after the fight, you have no idea what sex can really be like.  It’s a whole new level of orgasm.  Live hard, fight hard, screw hard. That’s what I say, and to those babes who sign up for a piece of that, I say hooah and let’s saddle up!”

In other news, The Arizona Republic reported Saturday that the Federal Bureau of Investigation (FBI) launched a hiring push in January and is still looking for employees. Phoenix spokesman Manuel Johnson said the organization considers all kinds of candidates for positions ranging from administrative to managerial, technical and lab work. Accountants, engineers, lawyers and scientists are among the most sought-after candidates. There are only about 12,500 in the world, and the agency usually hires between 800 and 1,000 nationally every fiscal year, Johnson said. Depending on the region to which they are assigned, new agents can take home between $61,100 and $69,900 annually. No word on how they feel about legalizing marijuana, dumbing down America’s terrorist defense system or how many FBI agents get knocked up each year, but if you’re looking to stay in the U.S. and bust some crooks, you may be the person they’re looking for.  Hooah and go saddle up!

(C) 2009 InebriatedPress.com

 

Source articles:

A marijuana tax as the next new revenue stream?
http://news.yahoo.com/s/csm/20090508/ts_csm/apot

Cheney: Obama endangers the nation
http://washingtontimes.com/news/2009/may/10/cheney-says-obama-endangers-nation/

ARMY GIRLS CAUGHT IN BATTLE OF THE BULGE
http://www.dailystar.co.uk/news/view/80115/Army-girls-caught-in-battle-of-the-bulge/

Do you have what it takes to join the FBI?
http://www.azcentral.com/business/articles/2009/05/08/20090508biz-fbi0509.html?&wired

Comments Off on Legalizing Marijuana for Tax Money, Obama Endangering America, and More Soldiers Getting Knocked Up

Filed under Humor, IP News

Fox Snubs Obama, Jets Freak-Out New York, and Jew’s Fire on Muslim Boaters

> Fox TV Network will Skip Obama’s Speech
> Boeing 747 and Fighter Jets Buzz New York City
> Israeli’s on Italian Cruise Ship Fire on Somali Pirates

 
Inebriated Press
April 29, 2009
 
Obama messiahThe Associated Press reported Monday that Fox became the first broadcast network to turn down a request from President Obama for air time.  Other networks have whined about his constant requests, but Fox finally said enough is enough.  And, The New York Times reported Monday that a large U.S. passenger jet trailed by two jet fighters caused panic in New York City when they swooped past office towers rattling windows.  “We ran like hell,” said one worker.  Meanwhile, Fox News reported that an Italian cruise ship fended off a Somali pirate attack when its Israeli security forces exchanged fire with the bandits.  Nine out of ten pets surveyed say things would be going pretty well nowadays, if PETA would just settle down and American’s would return to common sense in government.

Short haired terrier“Woof woof, bark.  Sorry about that, let me translate.  You have a U.S. president who is in the media so much; pretty soon you just blow him off.  It may be his strategy.  And it doesn’t matter if you’re an Israeli or a U.S. Navy SEAL; you blow pirates away when you get the chance, that’s just the right thing to do.  As far as the jets doing low altitude photo-op runs at the Statue of Liberty and towers in New York, you have to tell folks about it well in advance or you’ll scare the shit out of them.  Only the Obama Administration and a bunch of liberals don’t really think 9-11 happened and that there’s no war on terror,” said Barfy the Dog, a short haired terrier who doubles as a U.S. defense contractor and an anti-neuter activist.  “I may only be a small insignificant animal but I used to be named Sparky until the Democrats took control of both the White House and Congress.  Now I’ve been renamed Barfy to reflect the gastrointestinal problems I’ve acquired as a result of the last series of U.S. elections.  Things really aren’t all that bad in the world, what with continued advancement of science and medicine.  But governments are going backwards into socialism and cronyism.  I wouldn’t care if it wasn’t also happening in the U.S.  The greatest nation to appear on earth for the “common man” with more freedom and opportunity is being tossed aside for a system of socialism that has a proven record of failure.  As long as I get my chow and a few doggy treats I’m fine with any form of government, but it’s not that way for humans.  The many end up carrying the few on their backs.  And unemployment, inflation and unhappiness are the results.  Silly human masters.  It’s a sad state of affairs when even the pets know better.”

Someone named Ziggy

Someone named Ziggy

Not everyone agrees with Barfy the Dog.  “Clip that dog now and don’t let him procreate and spread either his genes or ideas to others!  We don’t need that kind of anti liberal-socialist-Democrat rhetoric bandied about by either humans, plants or animals,” said Ziggy Perlman-Nazi-McConnell, an environmentalist and theoretician, whose family heritage keeps him in conflict with himself most of the time, but whose belief system keeps him in lock step with the Obama administration.  “All media and mediums should be reporting every word from the mouth of Barry, the great messiah president.  His teleprompter-inspired talks placate the masses and help us all find oneness in the confusing morass where conservatives continue to raise inconvenient truths about over spending, hyper inflation and Islamofascist risk.  Real freedom loving Americans will want to prosecute government officials and both the military and intelligence communities for keeping the country safe since 9-11, and will want to ban all weapons, anti-liberal verbiage, and pass laws that neuter pets and Republicans.  I may only be one genius among the many Obamanomists whose intellect is so staggering that it is considered pure idiocy by ordinary hard working Americans, but my voice rings out like a wooden spoon hitting a big crock, to be respected and applauded by everyone.  And if it’s not, well, naturally we’ll marginalize them and cut off their nuts.  Sometimes we have to resort to that kind of thing so we can achieve true bipartisanship.”

FOXAssociated Press reported that Fox became the first broadcast network to turn down a request by President Barack Obama for time, opting to show its drama “Lie to Me” on Wednesday instead of the president’s prime-time news conference [note: some report that the president’s speech has a theme similar to the Fox drama]. Fox will direct viewers interested in the news conference to Fox News Channel and the Fox Business Network, which will both carry it. ABC, CBS, NBC, CNN, MSNBC and CNBC are all carrying the 8 p.m. EDT event, on Obama’s 100th day in office. This will be Obama’s third prime-time news conference as president, a schedule that has caused some private grumbling among network executives. Carrying a news conference costs the four broadcast networks an estimated $10 million-plus in lost advertising revenue. Executives at Fox, owned by News Corp., would not comment on the decision. It’s not without precedent for the network; Fox didn’t carry a prime-time speech by President George W. Bush in November 2001 despite a request from the White House. An executive at one of the three other broadcasters, who asked for anonymity because the conversations were private, said that network’s executives had expressed concern to the White House about the frequency of prime-time news conferences and the financial sacrifice they were making in carrying the event. The executive said it was hoped the administration would show more flexibility in working with networks to find the best times to schedule the events.

Surprise!

Surprise!

The New York Times reported that a photo opportunity, showcasing Air Force One alongside the sweep of the New York City skyline, instead caused panic in New York City.  As the low-flying Boeing 747 speeded in the shadows of skyscrapers, trailed by two fighter jets, the sight awakened barely dormant fears of a terrorist attack, causing a momentary panic that sent workers pouring out of buildings on both sides of the Hudson River. “I thought there was some kind of an attack,” said Paul Nadler, who sprinted down more than 20 flights of stairs after watching the plane from his office in Jersey City shortly after 10 a.m. “We ran like hell.” In fact, the blue and white plane with “The United States of America” emblazoned on its side was one of two regularly used by the president. It was soaring above Lower Manhattan, Staten Island and Jersey City so government photographers could take pictures near the Statue of Liberty for publicity purposes. Witnesses described the engine roar as the planes swooped by office towers close enough to rattle the windows and prompt evacuations at scores of buildings. Some sobbed as they made their way to the street.

Flashback

Flashback

“As soon as someone saw how close it got to the buildings, people literally ran out,” said Carlina Rivera, 25, who works at an educational services company on the 22nd floor of 1 Liberty Plaza, adjacent to the site of the Sept. 11, 2001, attack. “Probably about 80 percent of my office left within two minutes of seeing how close it got to our building.” Under federal regulations, in urban areas, airplanes must fly at least 1,000 feet above obstructions like buildings and bridges, and jetliner flights over Manhattan are typically at 8,000 feet or more. And planes do not typically approach local airports by flying low over the harbor. White House and City Hall officials later said that notice of the flight had gone to the director of the city’s event coordination and management office, which handles permits for events like block parties, street fairs and parades. The director, Marc Mugnos, was formally reprimanded for failing to notify his superiors, said a senior city official, who was given anonymity because this was a personnel matter. As the uproar reached Washington, dozens of officials at the White House, the Pentagon and the Department of Transportation rushed to find out who had authorized the flyover. The White House did not issue a statement, or a formal apology, for more than six hours. At first, the White House press secretary, Robert Gibbs, dismissed questions, saying: “You might be surprised to know I don’t know of every movement of Air Force One or what happens to it.” Neither the White House nor the F.A.A. explained why the mission was deemed a secret, even though officials conceded the primary purpose was picture taking.   
 

Israeli Security, Kill or Be Killed

Israeli Security, Kill or Be Killed

Fox News reported that an Italian cruise ship with 1,500 people on board fended off a pirate attack far off the coast of Somalia when its Israeli private security forces exchanged fire with the bandits and drove them away, the commander said Sunday. Cmdr. Ciro Pinto told Italian state radio that six men in a small white speed boat approached the Msc Melody and opened fire Saturday night, but retreated after the Israeli security officers aboard the cruise ship returned fire. None of the roughly 1,000 passengers and 500 crew members were hurt, Melody owner Msc Cruises said in a statement issued by its German branch. Domenico Pellegrino, head of the Italian cruise line, said Msc Cruises hired the Israelis because they were the best trained security agents, the ANSA news agency reported. Civilian shipping and passenger ships have generally avoided arming crewmen or hiring armed security for reasons of safety, liability and compliance with the rules of the different countries where they dock. Cruise line security work is a popular job for young Israelis who have recently been discharged from mandatory army service, as it is a good chance to save money and travel.

Some people say that saving money, traveling and shooting Muslim terrorists is the stuff that dreams are made of.

Someone named Kendra

Someone named Kendra

“If you have to live in a world dominated by pacifists and pirates, getting work in the military or on cruise ships where you can carry weapons and shoot assholes, is like mother’s milk, apple pie and safe sex — for people who are into those things,” said Kendra Strongg-Bod, an ex-Marine and current food safety expert at the Plausible-Contact Strip-Club and Health-Food Store.  “We’re living in an era where there are so many baddies needing to be capped and so few people willing to do it, or allow it to be done, that for those of us who have had the opportunity, it’s like a gift from heaven.  And not only that, we get to send the bastards straight to hell.  It’s as close to a religious experience that I’ve ever had; except for a couple times with this guy I’m seeing.  But that’s a different story.”
 
In other news, U.S. News and World Report reported Tuesday that President Obama urged Americans on Monday to remain calm as the number of US cases of swine flu more than doubled and the World Health Organization raised its pandemic threat level. The President said, “This is obviously a cause for concern and requires a heightened state of alert. But it’s not a cause for alarm.”  Reportedly this was also his reaction to Air Force One diving on the City of New York, the recent pirate hijackings by Somali Muslims, the leaping U.S. deficit now predicted to pass 10 trillion dollars, Al Qaeda and the Taliban nearing control of Pakistan, and his dog Bo crapping on the Oval Office carpeting.  Some TV networks say they’ll just play the clip over-and-over in between commercials during regular programming, to assure American’s that the administration has everything under control.  No word on how PETA feels about it, but who really cares what they think?

© 2009 InebriatedPress.com
 

Related articles:
 
Fox sticking with schedule instead of Obama
http://www.google.com/hostednews/ap/article/ALeqM5jK435kY7g9upVs4XUPjiQFmets6wD97R32700
 
U.S. Jet Frightens New York in Photo-Op Gone Wrong
http://www.nytimes.com/2009/04/28/nyregion/28plane.html?ref=nyregion
 
Italian Cruise Ship Fires on Somali Pirates
http://www.foxnews.com/story/0,2933,517955,00.html
 
U.S. swine flu case numbers rise, more expected
http://uk.reuters.com/article/usTopNews/idUKTRE53P1TK20090428

Comments Off on Fox Snubs Obama, Jets Freak-Out New York, and Jew’s Fire on Muslim Boaters

Filed under Humor, IP News

Bailing the Bailout, Killing Girls over Short Skirts, and the Death of a Porn Legend

> Goldman Sachs wants out of Gov’t control, will pay back bailout funds
> Muslim father pays to have daughter killed over short skirt
> Porn Legend Marilyn Chambers Found Dead at 57

Inebriated Press
April 15, 2009

Insatiable Marilyn Chambers

Insatiable Marilyn Chambers

The Wall Street Journal reported yesterday that Goldman Sachs plans to raise investor funds and pay back U.S. bailout money so it can be free to run it’s own business without the federal government telling it what to do.  And MosNews reported Monday that a Muslim in Russia hired a killer to murder his daughter because she was wearing skirts that were too short.  Meanwhile, MediaBistro reported Monday that porn legend Marilyn Chambers was found dead in a mobile home where she was living.  Pundits are debating the risks of government control, Muslim mayhem and trailer park living.

Winged missive

Winged missive

“There are no inherent risks of having the federal government run your business and tell you what to do, because bureaucrats and elected officials know better than you do how to do everything; and all the fuss in the West about Muslim’s killing their kids or beheading people they disagree with is all overblown, it’s a cultural tradition that should be respected, even promoted,” said Emil Von Missive, a short statement of dubious nature existing on a diet that’s light on facts and lighter still on common sense.  “If bureaucrats and Islamofascists had been running Marilyn Chambers life she wouldn’t have been dead at age 57 and found in a trailer park in California where she was living.  She’d have been in public housing and the fifteenth wife of a Muslim extremist where she’d been productively popping out baby Muslim Nazi’s for the good of all humankind, god willing.  In fact one of her own progeny might have one day single handedly destroyed Israel and the West.  The freedom loving bastards.”

Someone named Lucy

Someone named Lucy

Not everyone agrees with Von Missive.  “The idea that a government is more capable than an individual in running a business, or that Islamofascists represent a ‘peaceful’ religion, is as ridiculous as the idea that an aggressive porn lifestyle is healthy in the long run, or that mobile home living is something to aspire to,” said Lucy Li-Deathray, an atomic scientist and part-time stripper at the Healthy Heifer Strip Club and Plutonium Emporium.  “I may only dabble in nuclear energy and toy with hormonally over-charged club patrons, but I know that no form of government is going to run as efficient or effective a business as someone who does the work day-in and day-out.  When you’re on-site you know what your customer wants and how to please them.  When you’re in D.C. you’re in an environment thick with the ‘I am a god and I can do shit because I can do shit’ mindset and it has no bearing on what goes on in the real world.  Tough break for Marilyn.  She screwed with the best of them but went down early.  The porn business will chew you up and spit you out — just like Muslim extremists and the fed’s trying to run your business.  It’s a different kind of screwing, but the results are the same.  They take, you give.  We’ve got to get back to private enterprise and personal responsibility in this country or we’re all going to be living in trailer parks and die young.”

Goldman Sachs & The Feds

Goldman Sachs & The Feds

The Wall Street Journal reported that Goldman Sachs Group Inc., frustrated at federally mandated pay caps, has been plotting for months to get out from under the government’s thumb.  On Monday, Goldman took fresh steps to break free: It announced, as expected, that it plans to raise $5 billion by selling new common shares to investors, and that it would like to use the money to repay government bailout money received last year. The firm also reported stronger-than-expected first-quarter earnings of $1.81 billion.

Goldman SachsAt a meeting President Barack Obama hosted with bank executives at the White House in late March, Lloyd Blankfein, Goldman’s chief executive, argued that banks needed freedom to repay the loans the U.S. forced them to accept in October. Eight large institutions received a total of $165 billion in capital, including $10 billion for Goldman. Pay restrictions were tied to those loans. The banks were told then that everyone had to accept the money so it wouldn’t be obvious who needed it most.

The federal government’s management of the financial crisis is entering a new phase. The trillions of dollars Washington has committed to help stabilize companies and thaw frozen credit markets have enmeshed the government deep in the affairs of investment banks, insurers and auto companies.  If Goldman is permitted to repay its loan, it would be the first big bank to do so. The U.S. has indicated it won’t allow any major banks to do so before the government considers the results of financial “stress tests,” which are expected by April 30. Because of the technicalities of the loans, it could take months before Goldman or any other big bank that repays will escape the government’s clutches.

Kill this??!!

Kill this??!!

MosNews reported that a Muslim resident of Russia’s St. Petersburg has hired killers to rid him of a daughter who disrespected Islamic laws by wearing short skirts. The police detained Gafar Kerimov, 46, after he reported that his daughter went missing, but blurted out that the girl was dead already, Komsomolskaya Pravda newspaper reported Monday. The family, ethnic Azerbaijanis, used to have frequent arguments about how the daughter should dress and behave.

Rashida Kirimova, 21, studied medicine at a St. Petersburg school and waved away her father’s criticism when he said her clothes weren’t modest enough and were unfit for a Muslim girl.  During winter, Rashida wore high-necked sweaters and long trousers, causing no problems in the neighborhood, but when spring came, she put on a skirt that left her knees exposed. The father’s Muslim friends again started reproaching him for being negligent and allowing his daughter to walk around dressed like a fallen woman. They said the insult could only be washed away by blood, and introduced Gafar to a killer, who agreed to help him for around $3000. The killer, Kadyr Suleymanov, seized the girl on April 8th as she was hurrying to classes. He and two accomplices drove her out of the city to a suburban dump, shot her dead and covered her body with garbage.

Behind the Green DoorMediaBistro reported that legendary porn actress Marilyn Chambers, star of such golden age classics as Behind the Green Door and Insatiable, was found dead Sunday in the mobile home where she had been living for the past several months. She was 57. Chambers was found by her 17-year-old daughter, McKenna.  The New York Daily News reported that Chambers made more than 25 porn movies, several of them with late porn star John Holmes, who died of AIDS complications in 1988. An autopsy will be done but no foul play is suspected.  

Legally married in trade

Legally married in trade

In other news, United Press International reported Sunday that a Saudi Arabian judge has refused to overturn a ruling that declared the arranged marriage of an 8-year-old girl to a 47-year-old man legal, a relative says. The judge, Sheikh Habib Habib, ruled for the second time Saturday in Onaiza that the girl’s marriage to a friend of her father’s was legal and binding. He said the child wife could file for divorce once she reached puberty, CNN reported. An attorney, Abdullah Jutaili, said the girl’s father arranged the marriage with his “close friend” to pay off a monetary debt. No word on why trading girls for cash is better than Marilyn Chambers self-selected lifestyle, but with the gradual decline of individual rights in the West and the increase of government power and coercion, perhaps we’ll eventually just get used to believing whatever the people who hold power over our lives tell us to believe.

(C) 2009 InebriatedPress.com

Source articles:

Goldman Pushes Stock Issue in Plan to Escape U.S. Grip
http://online.wsj.com/article/SB123966372945715013.html

Muslim father orders daughter killed over short skirt
http://www.mosnews.com/society/2009/04/13/shortskirtt/

Porn Legend Marilyn Chambers Dead at 57
http://www.mediabistro.com/fishbowlLA/show_business/porn_legend_marilyn_chambers_dead_at_57_113890.asp

Prodigious porn star Marilyn Chambers dead at 56
http://www.nydailynews.com/gossip/2009/04/14/2009-04-14_marilyn_chambers_porn_star_dead_at_56.html

8-year-old girl’s marriage ruled legal
http://www.upi.com/Top_News/2009/04/12/8-year-old-girls-marriage-ruled-legal/UPI-57701239536425/

Comments Off on Bailing the Bailout, Killing Girls over Short Skirts, and the Death of a Porn Legend

Filed under Humor, IP News

China marries Iran, Saudi’s say 10-year-old girls should marry, and there’s a new St. Pauli Girl for beer drinkers to lust after

> Report: Iran signs oil deal with China
> Saudi cleric: it’s an injustice to NOT marry girls aged 10
> Breaking news: A new St. Pauli Girl has been chosen!

Inebriated Press
January 21, 2009

St. Pauli Girl Van Derham

St. Pauli Girl Van Derham

Breitbart reported last week that Iran and China signed a $2 billion agreement that allows Chinese development of an Iranian oil field. The two countries did a similar deal in December 2007, and despite U.S. concerns, their commitment to one another continues to grow.  And Mail Online reported last week that Saudi Arabia’s most senior cleric said 10-year-old girls are ready for marriage, and people who say they’re too young are being “unfair” to them. Meanwhile, BrandFreak reported last week that German beer company St. Pauli Girl, has selected Slovakian model Katarina Van Derham, to appear as their faux German barmaid in future promotions. The quest for oil, beer and fine women — of all ages — rolls on like the timeless traditions of communist-dictatorships, drinking and underaged sex. 

“There’s no stopping Communists and Islamofascists from hooking up for mutual benefit, or slowing Muslim men from marrying baby girls or blowing themselves or others to bits,” said Misty Mae-Morningside, a barmaid and holder of the ‘2009 Beer Babe’ title down at the Shady Hollow Stripper Bar and Welding Helmet Lounge.  “I don’t know whether it’s in their DNA or part of the Middle Eastern education system, but screwing helpless girls and blowing up innocent women in the marketplace is like a damned tradition over there. The Chinese just need the oil so they don’t give a shit one way or another.  As far as the new Pauli Girl goes, she’s hot, but hasn’t got nothin’ on me.”

Wife to-be of 50-year-old Guy

Wife to-be of 50-year-old Guy

Some people say there are traditions that should end.  “Marrying-off 10-year-old Saudi girls or giving birth control patches to 11-year-old U.S. children at King Middle School in Maine, is as wrong as Communists and Islamofascists working together to strengthen themselves against the free West,” said Mabel Matron-Ironside, a shopkeeper and pro-establishment Virginian, whose only regret in life is that the South didn’t win the U.S. Civil War.  “Just because you call underage marriage a tradition doesn’t make it right, and just because you believe in sexual freedom that doesn’t mean you should slap chemical patches on school children so they avoid pregnancy but inherit a bunch of drug related side-effects.  Doesn’t anyone think through this stuff?  I’m not sure whose fault it is, but I’m guessing it’s those damn Yankees up North.  Son’s of bitches.”

090121_iran_oilBreitbart reported that Iran’s official news agency says the country has signed a $1.76 billion deal with China to develop the North Azadegan oil field in southwestern Iran near the Iraq border. The IRNA report says the deal was signed between the National Iranian Oil Company and the China National Petroleum Corp. Iran’s Oil Minister Gholam Hossein Nozari says the field has an estimated 6 billion barrels of crude oil and will produce 75,000 barrels of oil per day for 25 years. In December 2007, China’s biggest refiner, Sinopec, signed a $2 billion agreement with Iran to develop another Iranian oil field, the Yadavaran. The deals illustrate China’s strong business ties with Iran despite U.S. pressure over the Iranian nuclear program.

Sheikh Abdul-Aziz Al Sheikh

Sheikh Abdul-Aziz Al Sheikh

The UK Mail Online reported that ten-year-old girls are ready for marriage, according to Saudi Arabia’s most senior cleric. Sheikh Abdul-Aziz Al Sheikh, the country’s grand mufti, told Al Hayat newspaper that those saying ten or 12-year-old girls are too young to marry are being ‘unfair’ to them. Al Sheikh’s comments come at a time when Saudi human rights groups have been pushing the government to put an end to marriages involving the very young and to define a minimum age for marriage. In the past few months, Saudi newspapers have highlighted several cases in which young girls were married off to much older men or very young boys.

The report followed a ruling by a court in Oneiza in central Saudi Arabia last month that dismissed a divorce petition by the mother of an eight-year-old girl whose father married her off to a man in his 50s. Newspaper reports said the court argued that the mother did not have the right to file such a case on behalf of her daughter and said that the petition should be filed by the girl when she reaches puberty. There are no statistics to show how many marriages involving children are performed in Saudi Arabia every year.

Van Derham

Van Derham

BrandFreak reported that continuing a 26-year tradition of finding stunning women who look great in German barmaid’s attire to represent its signature beer, St. Pauli Girl has selected Katarina Van Derham as its new bar wench for 2009. The Slovakian model’s selection is unique in that the beer brand partnered with Maxim.com for an online vote. Her bio states: “Van Derham grew up in a small village in the woods of Slovakia, a communist country at the time. She moved to the United States at age 22, without any intention of becoming a model.” Van Derham has already appeared in ad campaigns for AT&T, Dodge and the Rockstar Energy Drink. In regards to her new role as a faux German barmaid, she says, “I am very honored and look forward to meeting St. Pauli Girl fans all over the country.”

Some people say that as long as you have fans you can do whatever you want.

St. Pauli Girl

St. Pauli Girl

“Let’s face it, success is driven by popularity. Iranian President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad is popular with Jew haters, the Chinese are popular with Iran’s government because they need cash and political support, young girls are popular with old men and St. Pauli girl is popular with men of all ages.  It’s popularity that gives you money, power and freedom — unless you’re a Muslim girl of course — then you’re just screwed,” said Strawberry Dackari, a sweet tasting drink that will nonetheless leave you heaving and with a hangover if you imbibe too much.  “I may be nothing more than the figment of your imagination or a combination of alcohol, sugar and fruit, but I know about popularity.  It got an unknown community organizer elected to the most powerful position in the world.  Brand Obama will rule the globe and he can do whatever he wants. I’ll bet St. Pauli Girl is his if he wants her.  I wonder what he really does want … I mean besides power? I suppose time will tell.  It usually does.”

090121-google-apps

St. Google Girl?

In other news, the Cincinnati Enquirer reported last week that in the Cincinnati area, where legend holds that trends come 10 years late, “sexting” arrived well ahead of time. Teens there are taking nude photos of themselves or others, sending them on their cell phones or posting them online. Some teens do it as a joke. For others, it’s the new bold pickup line to get a date. A year ago, a 19-year-old Goshen cheerleading coach was charged and prosecuted for a misdemeanor, contributing to the unruliness of a child, for taking a topless photo of herself and a 15-year-old girl. A Glen Este Middle School boy was taken to juvenile court during the last school year for taking explicit photos of his girlfriend. “It’s ‘Kids Gone Wild,’ with technology being provided by the parents,” according to Jim Brown, school resource officer at Glen Este High School. No word on how Saudi clerics feel about this, but since these incidents involve girls older than 10 and the issue isn’t marriage to 50 year-old men, it’s kind of hard to decide which society the suicide bombers should attack.

(C) 2009 InebriatedPress.com

Source articles:

Report: Iran signs oil deal with China
http://www.breitbart.com/article.php?id=D95N2SAO0&show_article=1

It’s an injustice to NOT marry girls aged 10, says Saudi cleric
http://www.dailymail.co.uk/news/worldnews/article-1115624/Its-injustice-NOT-marry-girls-aged-10-says-Saudi-cleric.html

Important breaking news: A new St. Pauli Girl has been chosen!
http://www.brandfreak.com/2009/01/important-breaking-news-a-new-st-pauli-girl-has-been-chosen.html

Maine Middle School May Drug 11 Year Old Girls with Birth Control Patches
http://www.naturalnews.com/022934.html

Teens bare all on phones
http://news.cincinnati.com/article/20090113/NEWS0102/901130326

Comments Off on China marries Iran, Saudi’s say 10-year-old girls should marry, and there’s a new St. Pauli Girl for beer drinkers to lust after

Filed under Humor, IP News