Tag Archives: Israel

New Iranian Missile Targets Israel; Woman sells Companionship – the Sex is Free; and New Economic Rules in Gas Supply-Demand

> Iran tests new Missile: Israel, southeast Europe in Range
> Woman Arrested after offering Free Sex, but charging for Companionship
> More supply, lower demand Raises gas Prices

Inebriated Press
May 22, 2009

This is only a test. If this had been an actual nuclear device, maps containing Israel would be obsolete.

This is only a test. If this had been an actual nuclear device, maps containing Israel would be obsolete.

The Associated Press reported Wednesday that Iran test-fired a new missile with a range of 1,200 miles, able to strike Israel, southeastern Europe and U.S. bases in the Middle East.  And Florida’s Orlando Sentinel reported Tuesday that a woman was arrested for prostitution despite arguing that she doesn’t sell sex, she sells companionship, and gives the sex away for free.  Meanwhile, WXIA Atlanta reported that there are new rules in the gasoline world, where up is down and down is up. Despite higher gas supplies and reduced demand, gas prices are higher — the converse of economic theory.  Some pundits say that in today’s new America, companionship with women and gas stations will cost you, but the sex and gas are free. 

Someone named Yvonne

Someone named Yvonne

“Thanks to smart-thinking voters, we now have a U.S. president who is giving all American’s free gas and sex, as his hope-and-change plan kicks-in, pats our ass, takes our wallets, and then slathers us with Democrat good will.  It’s all cost-free because higher taxes and a bigger national debt are concepts we don’t understand — but free sex and gas we can grasp, and that’s what really matters,” said Yvonne Marble-Ryye, an ambidextrous gas pipe fitter and part-time sex worker, sometimes doing both simultaneously.  “And Iranian missiles soon to be armed with nukes aren’t anything to be bothered by.  So what if Iranian President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad has said Israel should be wiped off the face of the earth, it’s not like he’s come right out and said he plans to do it.  Iran’s funding of Hamas and terrorists in Iraq are just his way of encouraging balanced behavior in the region.  People need to relax and enjoy the free gas and sex and just chill out.  Want some companionship?  I don’t charge alot — and if you play your cards right, you might get something for free.”

Someone named Anna

Someone named Anna

Not everyone is as comfortable with Iranian nuclear-armed missiles and the illusion of free gas and sex.  “I like gas and sex and maybe an occasional nuke launched in the right direction, but all these things cost someone something, and not everyone will deliver them equitably.  I’m kind of big on fairness and I’ve been around long enough to know that anything that sounds too good to be true, probably is,” said Anna Belle-Lee, a patron of the arts and long-suffering conservative, caught-up in the spell of lucid thinking and a captive to common sense.  “It’s not that I think I’ve got everything figured out, or claim to be some sort of genius.  It’s just that at base, hookers sell sex, and gas companies will manipulate the market if they can in order to increase profits, and Ahmadinejad wants Israel destroyed and will do it himself if possible.  It’s human nature to try and get what you want and bluff your way to get it if that’s what works.  Hitler did it, so did Stalin.  Obama’s doing it, so is every hooker who walks the earth — or lays on it for that matter.  Now tell me some lie that I’ll buy, and let’s trip the light fantastic just for the sake of a dream and momentary fun.  I’m stodgy but I still like a good time now and then.”

"I have a dream ..."

"I have a dream ..."

Associated Press reported that President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad said Iran test-fired a new advanced missile Wednesday with a range of about 1,200 miles, far enough to strike Israel, southeastern Europe and U.S. bases in the Middle East. The announcement will not reassure the U.S. government, coming just two days after President Barack Obama declared a readiness to seek deeper international sanctions against Iran if it shunned U.S. attempts to open negotiations on its nuclear program. Obama said he expected a positive response to his outreach for opening a dialogue with Iran by the end of the year. Ahmadinejad is running for re-election in a June 12 vote and has been criticized by his opponents and others for antagonizing the U.S. and mismanaging the country’s faltering economy. Most Western analysts believe Iran does not yet have the technology to produce nuclear weapons. Iran’s nuclear and missile programs have alarmed Israel, and the country’s new prime minister, Benjamin Netanyahu, pressed Obama to step up pressure on Tehran when the two met in Washington on Monday. Ahmadinejad has repeatedly called for Israel’s elimination, and the Jewish state has not ruled out a military strike to deal with the Iranian nuclear threat.

Hot deals on companionship

Hot deals on companionship

The Orlando Sentinel reported that a suspected prostitute shared her unusual work rationale with an undercover Leesburg police officer just before she was arrested for the second time within 24 hours late last week. “I don’t take money for sex,” Ashley M. Hollin, 26, of Leesburg, told the officer. “I take money for company and the sex is free.” Hollin’s comments came late Friday just before she was about to be arrested for the second time that day. According to a police report, Hollin told the officer she had learned something from her earlier arrest — accept cash for companionship, not sex. “See, I learned from making the mistake last night with the police — if I do it this way they can’t get me for it,” Hollin said, according to a police report. She was wrong. Leesburg police arrested Hollin and several other women on prostitution-related charges following complaints about prostitution near the Deluxe Motel at 113 N. 14th St.

New gas-price supply-demand chart

New gas-price supply-demand chart

WXIA Atlanta reported that we need to get used to the new rules of supply and demand in Gasoline World. The world where up is down and down is up. Average gasoline prices in Georgia are up 29 cents a gallon, so far, since May 1. But supplies are up, nationwide. And demand is down, overall. “We’re going to see higher gasoline prices as the summer goes through,” said Oil Industry Expert Tex Pitfield on Tuesday. Pitfield is most recently President and CEO of Saraguay Petroleum Corporation of Atlanta and is a consultant. Pitfield said refineries are charging retail gas stations more for wholesale gasoline because “the refineries aren’t making money. They’re not making money right now. We’re awash in supply, in fuel. And demand for fuel is probably off 20 percent to 25 percent across the board, worldwide, if not more.” Under “normal” laws of supply and demand, when demand is lower, prices should be lower. “Prices should be lower,” Pitfield said. “Prices will continue to go higher.”

Hookers, companions or gas company rep's?

Hookers, companions or gas company rep's?

On Tuesday, the federal government announced a program to require higher mileage cars by 2016. President Obama acknowledged that those cars would cost consumers more, possibly $1,300 more. “It costs money to build these vehicles,” he said, but he also said he anticipates “the cost of driving these vehicles will go down as drivers save money at the pump.”

“It’s going to cost us more,” predicted a motorist, Cheryl Barre, as she filled up her car at a gas station in Cobb County Tuesday evening. “The gas is going to cost more. It’s already high and going higher. There has to be better alternatives than what we’re looking at right now — one more burden for the taxpayer to take on.” Tex Pitfield agreed. 11Alive: “If we’ll be using less gasoline because we’ll all be driving higher-mileage cars, are the refineries going to kick up the prices because we’re using less?” Pitfield: “Oh, absolutely. I mean, that’s basic economics.” The NEW basic economics of supply and demand.

Insomnia, traditional economist or both?

Insomnia, traditional economist or both?

In other news, Florida’s St. Petersburg Times reported that a new report released Tuesday in the Journal of the American Medical Association says that insomnia is best treated by a combination of drugs and extended therapy to change bedtime behaviors.  No word on whether a drug-therapy combo will be necessary to help Americans get comfortable with the new inverse gas-price-economics or help Israeli’s get comfortable with a nuclear Iran, but if we can get a little cheap companionship and free sex, maybe things will seem pretty good and we’ll all sleep like logs – or a reasonable facsimile thereof.

(C) 2009 InebriatedPress.com

Source articles:

Iran says it tests missile, Israel within range
http://news.yahoo.com/s/ap/20090520/ap_on_re_mi_ea/ml_iran_missile_test_8

Woman arrested after offering free sex — but a charge for companionship
http://www.orlandosentinel.com/news/local/breakingnews/orl-bk-leesburg-prostitution-051909,0,3190779.story

The New Rules: Gas Demand Declines, Prices Jump
http://www.11alive.com/news/local/story.aspx?storyid=130417&catid=40

 Pills-therapy combination work best at treating insomnia, study says
http://www.tampabay.com/news/health/article1002509.ece

Comments Off on New Iranian Missile Targets Israel; Woman sells Companionship – the Sex is Free; and New Economic Rules in Gas Supply-Demand

Filed under Humor, IP News

Obama Enjoys Anti-American Rants, Cheerleaders Enjoy Strip Clubs, and NATO runs Catch-and-Release Pirate Program

> Nicaraguan President rips America, Obama quietly takes notes
> High School cheerleaders take field trip to strip club
> NATO rescues fishermen from pirates, then frees the hijackers

Inebriated Press
April 22, 2009

HunksFox News reported Saturday that at the Summit of the Americas this past weekend, Nicaraguan President Daniel Ortega ripped the U.S. as a terrorist nation for over 50 minutes, while President Obama sat listening quietly and taking notes.  And MSNBC reported last Friday that an Ohio teacher took a group of high school cheerleaders on a field trip to a male strip club.  Meanwhile, Fox News reported Saturday that NATO forces rescued 20 fishermen from pirates in the Gulf of Aden, but let the Somali hijackers go because they had no authority to arrest them.  Pundits are debating trends in leadership based on anti-Americanism, pro-pirate anti-hijacking, and sex-based field trips for underage schoolchildren. 

Someone named Maggie

Someone named Maggie

“The adults are all gone from American government and education, and all that’s left are people with the emotional equivalent of children, lacking both common sense and even the tiniest grasp of reality,” said Maggie Mae-Mooreless, an accountant and weightlifter who doubles as a hot blonde when she feels like it.  “Obama enjoyed Ortega’s rant against America because he felt like he was a kid again back in Jeremiah Wright’s church where he listened to him rant against the U.S. for twenty years.  Or, maybe it was like hanging with his Chicago neighbor Bill Ayers the Pentagon bomber who held fundraising events for Barack at his home where they talked treason. It probably felt like homecoming.  As far as NATO releasing pirate hijackers after catching them and then freeing their captives — that’s just beyond stupid.  Only the cheerleaders who want to hang with male stripers have a clue what they’re really doing.”

Ahmadinejad

Ahmadinejad

Not everyone agrees with Mae-Mooreless.  “There is nothing wrong with Obama admitting that America is a terrible country, responsible for all of the evil in the world, I’ve been saying that for years,” said Iranian President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad, sharing an anti-American mind meld with Nicaraguan President Daniel Ortega, but adding a few racial aspersions against the Jews.  “Bill Ayers is a patriot of the highest order and everyone should be bombing the Pentagon and preaching poetic anti-American diatribes in churches, synagogues and Mosques.  And then of course beheading infidels and other people I disagree with; taking money from hard working citizens who earn it and handing it around to those who don’t.  Basic bedlam and chaos, for god sake.  Prepping the way for the 12th Imam and Islam dominating the world and all that.  I wouldn’t mind a cheerleader or two to encourage this stuff.  Somali’s would do, they’ve got the right attitude.”

Hil & Obi

Hil & Obi

Fox News reported that at the Summit of the Americas this past weekend President Obama endured a 50-minute diatribe from socialist Nicaraguan President Daniel Ortega that lashed out at a century of what he called terroristic U.S. aggression in Central America and included a rambling denunciation of the U.S.-imposed isolation of Cuba’s Communist government. Obama sat mostly unmoved during the speech but at times jotted notes. The speech was part of the opening ceremonies at the fifth Summit of the Americas here.

Secretary of State Hillary Clinton said, “I thought the cultural performance was fascinating.” Asked again about the Ortega speech, Clinton said: “To have those first class Caribbean entertainers all on one stage and to see how much was done in such a small amount of space, I was overwhelmed.” A senior administration official declined to criticize Ortega, saying the president wanted to focus on the future. Ortega’s speech, indulgent even by regional standards, also mocked the very summit he was attending and helping to open. Later, at a photo opportunity with Canadian Prime Minister Stephen Harper, Obama held his tongue when asked what he thought about Ortega’s speech. In his 17-minute address to the summit, Obama misspoke on the sequence of events in Cuba.

CheerleadersMSNBC reported that a Butler Tech school district spokesman says teacher Lori Epperson took four high school cheerleaders to a male strip club.  Epperson has resigned from her teaching position in southwest Ohio. Epperson told school officials she had gotten permission from the parents of the 17- and 18-year-olds to bring them to Club Masque in Dayton. She says the girls asked her to take them to the bar.
 

Pirates, born to be free, even of NATO

Pirates, born to be free, even of NATO

Fox News reported that NATO forces rescued 20 fishermen from pirates who launched the latest attack in the Gulf of Aden on Saturday, but let the Somali hijackers go because they had no authority to arrest them. The release underscored the difficulties of stopping the skyrocketing piracy scourge in the Horn of Africa, where sea bandits also seized a Belgian-flagged ship carrying 10 foreign crew near the Seychelles islands and started hauling it toward Somalia.

“There isn’t a silver bullet” to solve the problem, said Roger Middleton, a piracy expert at London-based think-tank Chatham House. He said it’s common for patrolling warships to disarm then free brigands because they have rarely have jurisdiction to try them.

Some people say that instead of searching for a silver bullet, a few lead ones will do the trick.

Someone named Stacy

Someone named Stacy

“Blow the bastards away on the high seas or hang them from the yard arm the old fashioned way, but for crying out loud, when you catch them in the act of piracy, you don’t free them, holy shit,” said Stacy Anne-Freeport, an auto mechanic and pro-American citizen who values freedom, independence and the American way of life.  “Get some good old fashioned common sense back and we’ll solve half the world’s problems in an afternoon.”

In other news, Fox News reported that Iranian President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad unleashed a blistering attack Monday against Israel and the United States, calling the Jewish state “racist” and lashing out at Americans for their support. Ahmadinejad called Israel the “most cruel and racist regime.” He followed by blaming the United States, Europe and Israel for the world’s financial crisis.  No word on whether Obama had anyone there taking notes for him, but when he sits down without conditions to chat about nukes with Ahmadinejad I’m guessing they’ll have plenty of anti-American ideas in common.

(C) 2009 InebriatedPress.com

Source articles:

Obama Endures Ortega Diatribe
http://www.foxnews.com/politics/2009/04/18/obama-endures-ortega-diatribe/

Strip club field trip
http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/30264815/

NATO Rescues 20 Fishermen From Pirates, Belgian Ship Seized
http://www.foxnews.com/story/0,2933,517042,00.html

Ahmadinejad Attacks Israel, U.S. at U.N. Racism Conference
http://www.foxnews.com/story/0,2933,517151,00.html

Comments Off on Obama Enjoys Anti-American Rants, Cheerleaders Enjoy Strip Clubs, and NATO runs Catch-and-Release Pirate Program

Filed under Humor, IP News

America turns against Israel; Bad Girls are fun at Parties, Disasters at Life

> Obama cancels visit with Israel P.M. ,“out of town” that day
> Bad girls versus good girls, big trade-offs

Inebriated Press
April 21, 2009

Good girls or bad girls?

Good girls or bad girls?

Australia’s The Age reported Saturday that the increasingly tense dialogue between U.S. President Obama and new Israeli Prime Minister Benjamin Netanyahu is beginning to look downright unfriendly.  Last Thursday the White House informed Mr Netanyahu that a planned first meeting with President Obama in Washington next month had been called off because the President decided to leave town.  Meanwhile, FunReports has announced that bad girls are fun in parties and sex, but scary and untrustworthy in family life.  Pundits are debating whether fun presidents and women are worth the risk of future disaster.

A guy named Dick

A guy named Dick

“Life is short and you need to get every adrenaline rush you can, so I voted for Obama because he has no experience running any form of business or government, and no management education or operations skills at all — so you know it’s going to be a wild ride.  That’s also why I always go after the hottest women who have no ethics standing in the way of a crazy no-holds-barred night on the first date,” said Dick Nukem-Sixx, a night club manager and restaurateur when he’s not hospitalized.  “No relationship should remain stable longer than six months, then it should be turned upside down just for the excitement.  That’s true whether it’s the US-Israel relationship, US-Iran, US-Russia, or Debbie doing Dallas.  Life isn’t about taking the safe and predictable path, that’s way dull.  Better to let it all hang out, switch up attitude and nuclear weaponry and see what happens.  I’ve had a hell of a lot of fun living this way.  The only downside is all the prescription drugs I’m taking to manage STD’s, pain and psycho-therapy.  Still, I’m not bored.  I get depressed when I sit still too long.  Better to risk my life and those around me than be bored.”

A gal named Chloe

A gal named Chloe

Not everyone agrees with Nukem-Sixx.  “No relationship is perfect, there are always ups and downs, you have to expect that, but a mature person or country understands that stability has value in and of itself, and that it’s hard to find people or countries you can count on, so you need to work at building and maintaining good relationships.  One-night-stands or short term missile defense might be fun for the moment, but what do they do for you in the long run?  Leave you wishing there was something more,” said Chloe Vesba-Firmm, a sheet metal worker and secret Mensa member, who finds people she likes and then lives, loves and never let’s go.  “I’m not saying some thing’s don’t end, but I won’t let them end without trying to fix them.  Why did Obama blow off Israel and kiss the hand of the Saudi King?  Israel is the only stable democracy in the Middle East and the Saudi’s fund Wahhabi Islam a violent, intolerant ‘faith’ that’s currently the reason we’re fighting terrorism today.  Obama’s the kind of guy who chases the bad girls at parties only to find out that when he tries to live with them they wreck his life.  I don’t care what he does with his personal life, but doing this shit with America is just plain bad.”

Muslim ObamaThe Age reported that watching the drama unfold inside Israel, the increasingly tense dialogue between US President Barack Obama and new Israeli Prime Minister Benjamin Netanyahu is taking on all the trappings of a duel.  Can Israel still call the United States its best international friend? Apparently not. Almost every day brings news of another sore point between the two countries, a source of yet further inflammation of their once warm relations. It is bad enough that President Obama uses almost every opportunity he can to set the parameters of a final peace agreement between Israel and the Palestinians. Now US officials are openly using Israeli anxiety over Iran’s fledging nuclear program as a bargaining chip to force Israel’s hand on giving up control of the West Bank Palestinian territory.

Obama IslamWhite House chief-of-staff Rahm Emanuel was quoted last week laying down the law to Israel. If Israel wants US help to defuse the Iranian threat, Mr Emanuel was reported to have told Jewish leaders in Washington, then start evacuating settlements in the West Bank. Talkback radio blazed with fury across the country the same day, as Israelis protested that no US official had the right to tell them where to live. Then on Thursday came the news that Mr Netanyahu’s planned first meeting with President Obama in Washington next month had been called off. Administration officials informed Mr Netanyahu’s office that the President would not be “in town”. Mr Obama has also dropped the Bush administration’s opposition to the Iranian financed terrorist group Hamas being part of a future Palestinian Authority government.

Bad girls

Bad girls

FunReports.com reported that bad girls are fun in parties and sex, but dangerous in family life. An evaluation criterion is quite simple. It has to do with a stranger asking a girl for favors. A good girl will say a quick and categorical “no” while a bad one will ask the man “when”. There is a set of virtues and shortcomings both types of the girls are bestowed with.  Bad girls have an optimistic attitude to life. They are full of energy. They do not indulge in self-analysis. They do not tend to fall into a period of depression. Life is a never-ending show for them. Bad girls are hungry for sex. They enjoy sexual experimentation. They will do anything they want and maybe more than you want them to when having sex with you.

Fun, dangerous

Fun, dangerous

However, despite obvious advantages, bad girls are really bad when it comes to certain things. First, they can not be trusted. Indeed, these vultures are serial flirters and were made to seduce anything that moves. Second, they can be dangerous if they happen to be behind the wheel. They can be as wild and reckless driving a car as they are when making love. These girls are always unpredictable, they often end up in a company of junkies or rummies. You can not build a solid relationship with this kind of girl. Soon you will find out that she is very selfish and simply does not give a damn about her potential partner. Girls like that enjoy being extravagant. They love going on a shopping spree if money is at hand. They will make lousy wives and mothers, their life is a string of divorce.

So you had better court the good ones. The good ones can vary as well but this is the truth: you can experience the precious moments of inner peace and comfort only when a good girl looks after you. She will take care of you when you fall ill, she will miss you when you are out somewhere. Sex is not the top priority for good girls so you do not have to be a super lover. A girl like that is unlikely to cheat on you. Stop worrying even if she is exceptionally pretty. Remember how she told you to beat it on the first date when you tried to make out with her after having a few drinks. She can discourage any guy in a similar way. Good girls mostly stick to monogamous relationships.

Bare armed and dangerous

Bare armed and dangerous

In other news, WSB-TV Atlanta reported that Loganville, Georgia police said they arrested a man after he entered the automobile of two female waitresses from Hooters intending to have sex with them. Police said Christopher Childers, 40, saw the two 19-year-old girls walk into a Wal-Mart to do some shopping. While they were in the store, Childers allegedly got into their car, found pictures of the girls in their uniforms which he placed in his truck. He then got back into the girls’ car to wait for them, police said.

When the girls returned, one girl slammed Childers leg with the car door and the other called 911, Loganville Police Chief Mike McHugh confirmed to Channel 2 Action News. Employees from Wal-Mart came outside to assist the two females and the group held Childers inside the vehicle until police arrived. Upon officers’ arrival, Childers was still inside the victim’s vehicle. Loganville Police Department officer Artie Turner said that Childers told them he was waiting for the girls because “they looked easy” and he had a conservative girlfriend.  No word on whether Iran thinks Obama looks easy, but according to the UK Times Online, French President Sarkozy says Obama is “weak”.  Looks like the adrenaline rush from all the “Obama fun” with the economy and foreign policy is going to come to an end eventually.  Time will tell just how big a disaster that’s going to be.

(C) 2009 InebriatedPress.com

Source articles:

Obama’s stance worries Israelis
http://www.theage.com.au/world/obamas-stance-worries-israelis-20090417-aa90.html?page=-1

Bad girls are fun in parties and sex, but boring in family life
http://www.funreports.com/fun/23-11-2005/1298-bag_girl-0

Hooters Girls Battle Man Hiding In Car
http://www.wsbtv.com/news/19208184/detail.html#-

Sarkozy snipes at ‘dim’ Spanish PM and ‘weak’ Barack Obama
http://www.timesonline.co.uk/tol/news/world/europe/article6106250.ece

Comments Off on America turns against Israel; Bad Girls are fun at Parties, Disasters at Life

Filed under Humor

Obama Backs Iranian Nukes, Hooker Steals Mans Pants, and Padma Lakshmi Makes Love to Burger

> Obama ends uranium precondition to talks; enrichment proceeds
> Hooker more interested in cash than sex; patron shocked
> Padma Lakshmi makes love to Carl’s Jr. hamburger

Inebriated Press
April 16, 2009

Padma does bacon

Padma does bacon

The UK Guardian reported Tuesday that the Obama administration is set to drop the uranium precondition to nuclear talks, meaning Iran can continue uranium enrichment while preparing for a chat.  And the Athens Banner-Herald reported Sunday that an Athens man complained to police after a prostitute he picked up stole his pants and wallet while he was in a motel room bathroom.  Meanwhile, the Los Angeles times reported Tuesday that Carl’s Jr. ran into an image problem in its advertising by practically undressing Padma Lakshmi as she makes love to a hamburger.  Pundits are debating why some people are surprised by these events.

Someone named Tracy

Someone named Tracy

“People are shocked when an elected official behaves differently than the voters thought he would, despite the fact that he’s doing what he told them he’d do.  This is because a good politician causes voters to see themselves in him and everyone would vote for themselves if they could, so they put perception over reality,” said Tracy Braless-Mindett, a free-living free-loving political analyst who can bench 180 and cause cardiac arrest in men weighing less than 150 just by looking at them.  “And drunken guys who leave their wallets alone in a room with a hooker are no different than voters who elect socialists.  They get ripped off like they deserve.  As far as making love to a burger goes, what the hell, if they paid me enough and it wore a condom I’d probably give it a go.  Everybody’s got a price I guess.”

Someone named Justin

Someone named Justin

Not everyone thinks the way Braless-Mindett does.  “As a voter I expect all politicians to behave the way I want them too, and they shouldn’t just say whatever they want in order to get elected and then do anything they feel like.  Even if somebody wins an election on some platform, they should take into account the ideas that are in the alternative view,” said Justin Hapless-Hopeful, an unemployed idealist trained in Avant-garde journalism, who at age 40 still lives in his parents basement, but knows that the Obama administration will offer him a government job any day now.  “So what if the Iranians get nukes and they hate the Jews, Hitler hated the Jews and didn’t have nukes and that worked out okay.  A few people got hurt I guess, but according to Iran the Holocaust thing was overblown.  And a guy should be able to leave his wallet with a hooker and she should just wait there.  I’ll bet the one in the article had an emergency come up and had to leave, and the guys’ pants and wallet caught on her skirt or something.  As far as sex with burgers goes, I don’t get it, but someone will explain it to me eventually.  I pretty much get my thoughts from other people who tell me stuff.  It’s easiest that way. Why think for myself?”

Iranian nuke programThe Guardian reported that in what amounts to a major policy shift, the Obama administration is set to drop a precondition for the start of negotiations on the nuclear issue – that Iran first suspend its uranium enrichment process. The concession means Iran would be able to continue with uranium enrichment, an essential part of achieving a weapons capability, while talks got underway. The precondition has been the biggest stumbling block in efforts over the last few years to open talks. The Bush administration insisted upon it but Tehran adamantly refused.  Negotiations have been given added urgency by threats by the new Israeli government, led by Binyamin Netanyahu, to bomb Iran’s nuclear facilities to prevent it achieving a nuclear weapons capability. Israel predicts Iran could reach this point by the autumn. Obama, during the presidential election campaign, promised to offer direct talks with Iran without preconditions.

HookerThe Athens Banner-Herald reported that an Athens man complained to police after he picked up a prostitute who stole his pants and wallet while he was in a motel room bathroom, according to an Athens-Clarke police report. According to the report the two walked to the Days Inn on North Finley Street, where she was “raring to go,” the man told the officer. He went into the bathroom and when he came out, she was gone with his pants and wallet. The man didn’t want to give much information and he was very drunk, the officer wrote in his report.

Padma Lakshmi

Padma Lakshmi

The Los Angeles Times reported that Carl’s Jr. is addressing a super-size image problem in its advertising where they practically undressed Padma Lakshmi as she made love to a hamburger. The spot features the former Mrs. Salman Rushdie, sitting on a brownstone stoop in a clingy sundress hiked up mid-thigh, cramming the giant burger into her educated maw and sucking barbecue sauce from her fingers and wrists. Let’s not mince onions here: This is sex with a burger. The writer said you might think that here, at last, television advertising might have crossed some sort of debauched Rubicon, or at least some tripwire at the Federal Communications Commission. But it’s not even close. It’s merely the latest chapter in the weird mash-up between sex and food. The Carl’s Jr. commercial, from Mendelsohn Zien Advertising in Los Angeles, is in heavy rotation this month with a duplicate for corporate cousin Hardee’s that’s running in Eastern markets. The ads reunite Mendelsohn Zien and director Chris Applebaum, who created the 2005 commercial with a nearly naked Paris Hilton lathering up a Bentley. Applebaum also directed the 2007 campaign for Carl’s Jr. flat-bun burgers, featuring a hip-hop duo serenading their high school teacher’s flat butt — her badonkadon’t, if you will.

Some people say a little burger sex is what American’s need in order to take their minds off of Obama’s crazy approach to the economy and defense.

Someone named Lisa

Someone named Lisa

“How about calling this crazy: Obama’s plan to fix the overspending of the Bush administration is to spend several trillions of dollars we don’t have and set the stage for economic collapse and hyper inflation; and Obama’s plan to stop Iran from obtaining nuclear weapons is to support their uranium enrichment program setting the stage for another Holocaust,” said Lisa Lovestrong-Hyperbole, a warm blonde ray of sunshine, occasionally brought low by morons, idiots and liberals.  “Given the current genius approach to problem-solving coming out of the White House and Democrat controlled Congress today, no one should be surprised if Americans are munching burgers and banging hookers or munching hookers and banging burgers.  The only way to survive today is to lose your mind and try to fit in and then party-on.  As for me, I’m trapped within a bad case of common sense and I can’t get out.  Lose yourself while you can, it’s too late for me.”

We're all friends now

We're all friends now

In other news, Reuters reported Tuesday that North Korea threw out the UN nuclear inspectors and say they’re no longer bound by any international nuclear disarmament talks, and plan to restart a plant that makes bomb-grade plutonium.  The Obama administration has yet to announce that they’re in full support of the plan, but by the time you’re done screwing with that burger you’ve got, it’ll probably be the latest super-smart news to come out of Washington.  To slightly paraphrase Tiny Tim: “god help us, every one.”

(C) 2009 InebriatedPress.com

Source articles:

Obama to drop uranium precondition for Iran nuclear talks
http://www.guardian.co.uk/world/2009/apr/14/obama-iran-nuclear-talks-uranium-precondition

Man shocked when hooker steals pants
http://onlineathens.com/stories/041209/cop_428276457.shtml

When fast food gets in the fast lane
http://www.latimes.com/entertainment/news/business/la-fi-ct-neil14-2009apr14,0,2377834.story

Padma Lakshmi Carl’s Jr. / Hardees Commercial. [YouTube vid]
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=nSXjnv8K71k

North Korea orders UN nuclear inspectors to leave
http://www.reuters.com/article/latestCrisis/idUSSP497987

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New Drug Control’s Love and Hate; Hamas Converts Medical Supplies into Bombs; and Muslim Peace-nik Beheads Wife

Inebriated Press
February 20, 2009

The Love Drug do'in it's thang

The Love Drug do'in it's thang

Tufts Daily, a university newspaper, reported last week that a new drug that can make people fall in and out of love is in the early stages of testing, and may create and control romantic emotions. And United Press International reported last week that members of the militant group Hamas used medicine bottles delivered to the Gaza Strip to make grenades.  Meanwhile, Muzzammil Hassan, founder of Bridges TV — designed to portray Muslims in a more positive light — was charged last week by police with murder for beheading his wife. Pundits are debating whether some things are really different than they seem, but remain confident that the trillion dollar bill that Obama signed into U.S. law is really a stimulus package and not the foundation for restructuring the U.S. into a socialist nation.

Someone named Suzie

Someone named Suzie

“Just because only 3 percent of spending in the Obama Plan takes place in 2009 and all the rest occurs in later years and the federal government will grow 30 percent in size, doesn’t mean that Obama really intends to change America even though he’s said that’s his plan all along,” said Susi Q-Tipp, a part-time welder and stripper at the Happy Hooker Lounge and Machine Works.  “And the provisions creating a healthcare czar, funding a nation-wide computer system to collect and track every citizens health records, and establish a panel to review all health related doctors decisions and rank them, doesn’t mean he has any intention of creating a national healthcare system.  Besides, once the love drug is available and in our water supply we’ll love everything he does.  And what’s wrong with converting some medical supplies donated to Hamas into bombs, or beheading a spouse if that’s part of your culture.  Easy come, easy go, I say. Live and let die.”

090220-obamaacorn-b-w1Not everyone agrees with Q-Tipp.  “I suppose a drug could be created that makes me fall in-to and out-of love based on how much I take and when, but I still can’t shake the notion that Obama’s plan to change America is exactly what he intends to do, since he’s said that’s his plan and continues to say so,” said Tom Thumb-Naill, an accountant and nay-sayer who spends an inordinate amount of free time managing financial risk and accumulating condoms ‘just in case’. “Terrorists convert medical supplies into bombs and a Muslim beheads his wife after creating a TV station to help sell Westerners the idea that Islam is a peaceful religion.  What a big surprise.  Experts say Obama’s plan will not stimulate the economy and that it will have to work itself out on its own, while Obama’s plan will jack up the federal governments’ size and cost, while creating new funding for ACORN and other leftist pet initiatives.  That’s supposed to be a surprise too?  He is who he told Joe the Plumber he is: an income redistributionist; and he’s using the Plan to slide around income while opening up new interpretations via his Executive Orders, and shifting the U.S. Census Bureau to the White House so it can restructure the vote for 2012.  A Socialist restructuring a country to get what he wants into perpetuity is surprising to you?  Ha. Same old same old.”

090220-romance1-b-wThe Tufts Daily reported that a new drug that can make people fall in and out of love is in the early stages of testing, and its development may be a one-way ticket to controlling romantic emotion. The idea for this drug — and prospective vaccine — is based on the research of neuroscientist Dr. Larry Young. Young worked with animals called prairie voles, which are among the small minority of mammals — less than five percent — who share humans’ propensity for monogamy. When a female prairie vole’s brain is artificially infused with oxytocin, a hormone that produces neural rewards comparable to those created by substances such as nicotine and cocaine, she will quickly become attached to the nearest male. A related hormone, vasopressin, creates urges for bonding and nesting in male voles.

The research also revealed that male voles with a genetically limited vasopressin response were less likely to find mates. Young’s corresponding research found that men with a similar genetic tendency were less likely to commit. Theoretically, if used to its fullest potential, the new drug could effectively harness these chemicals and be used to make people experience emotions of love. Conversely, it could also be used to prevent people from feeling such sentiments simply by receiving an injection of the substance. Even if Young were able to construct a drug that worked perfectly for humans, there are a number of ethical questions that come into play when dealing with an emotion as fragile and peculiar as love.

090220_peaceful_muslims_behead-b-wUPI reported that members of the militant group Hamas used medicine bottles delivered to the Gaza Strip to make grenades, an Israeli Defense Ministry official said. The official said Hamas created the explosive devices to use them against Israeli forces, The Jerusalem Post reported Friday. The bottles were sent by Israel for humanitarian aid, the official said.

“This is another example of Hamas’s cynical use of humanitarian supplies to attack Israel,” the official said. “Israel facilitates the transfer of the supplies to the Gaza Strip, and Hamas uses the supplies to create weapons.” Israeli forces located several of the undetonated homemade grenades in northern Gaza while taking part in military action against Hamas last month.

Muzzammil and AAsiya when she still had her head

Muzzammil and AAsiya when she still had her head

The Buffalo News reported last week that Orchard Park police are investigating a particularly gruesome killing, the beheading of a woman, after her husband — an influential member of the local Muslim community — reported her death to police last Thursday. Muzzammil Hassan, founder of Bridges TV, is charged with murder in the beheading of his wife, Aasiya Hassan. Hassan is CEO of Bridges TV, which he launched in 2004, amid hopes that it would help portray Muslims in a more positive light. The killing apparently occurred some time late last Thursday afternoon. Authorities say Aasiya Hassan recently had filed for divorce from her husband.

Some people say that the West needs to be more tolerant of other cultures and their beliefs.

090220-radicalislam-b-w“It is common for people in Muslim countries to saw the heads off of people they disagree with, and even family members who have shamed them; this is good and proper behavior for a people who should be dominating the world,” said Ima Kikyourazz-Squared, a cleric and weapons trafficker who does both at the same time.  “The West has been so intolerant of our culture that we must wipe Israel and America off the face of the earth, so help us god, so that totalitarian freedom will reign.  We’re pleased that Obama is closing Guantanamo and dumbing down the U.S. rules of engagement so that fewer of us will experience discomfort if we’re arrested and taken to U.S. court.  It seems silly that some in the U.S. don’t understand our plans or Obama’s when we’ve both made ourselves clear.  Still, that’s what separates the stupid from the strong.  And we are strong.  Want to surrender your necks to our blades now or do it during Obama’s second term?”

Healthy Penis

Healthy Penis

In other news, NBC Bay Area reported last week that San Franciscans are rejoicing over their favorite mascot — the Healthy Penis.  The campaign began in 2002 after the San Francisco Department of Health conducted several focus groups to see how best to raise awareness about syphilis in the city and how best to persuade gay men to get screened. The city says the campaign was a huge success because it led to a significant decrease in syphilis cases. The Healthy Penis was later introduced in Los Angeles, Portland, Philadelphia, Seattle, Santa Clara County and in Winnipeg, Canada but in a less provocative way we’re told.

090220-healthypenis4-b-w1The campaign has expanded to include an African-American penis named Byron the Penis and a Hispanic penis named Pedro the Penis as well. The original penis Clark is heading up the campaign and is still the most recognizable penis in the city. Phil the Sore is also back in the campaign trying to cause all the havoc that syphilis causes. Maybe the scariest part of it all is that the three penises have Facebook and My Space pages, while Phil has his own regularly updated Twitter page. No word on how much funding the Penis campaign will receive from Obama’s “stimulus package” but why give a shit now.

(C) 2009 InebriatedPress.com

Source Articles:

Love Potion #1: New drug could control love’s presence
http://www.tuftsdaily.com/1.1375307-1.1375307

Medicine bottles used for Hamas grenades
http://www.upi.com/Top_News/2009/02/13/Medicine_bottles_used_for_Hamas_grenades/UPI-50051234556744/

Prominent Orchard Park man charged with beheading his wife
http://www.buffalonews.com/437/story/578644.html

The City Welcomes Back Its Favorite Mascot
http://www.nbcbayarea.com/around_town/the_scene/Welcome-Back-Healthy-Penis.html

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Rocket Ship Rides, Nuclear Iran, and Sperm Donor Extraordinaire

XCOR will put you in space for only $95,000
Experts warn Barack Obama of an impending nuclear Iran
Sperm donor fathers 46 children

Inebriated Press
December 4, 2008

XCOR Lynx

XCOR Lynx

XCOR Aerospace announced Tuesday that they have begun selling rides to the edge of space for just $95,000 per flight. Participants will fly aboard the Lynx, a two-seat suborbital vehicle. And the U.K. Times Online reported yesterday that Tehran is on course to produce a nuclear bomb in the first year of an Obama administration, a coalition of top think-tanks has warned.  Meanwhile, a Dutchman known as Europe’s most committed sperm donor says he’s fathered 46 children and is willing to keep at it. Pundits are debating the risk-reward profiles of being blasted into space by XCOR, being blasted off the face of the earth by Iranians, or guys just blasting away in an effort to support spermless women on a quest for the parenthood frontier.

“At some point in everyone’s life, we’re all on some kind of a search for adventure, power or procreation, it’s just the way human nature is,” said Hazel Rae Harlequin, an experimental scientist and occasional plumber, who often contemplates human existence, birth control and the laying of pipe; sometimes all at once. “I’d love to ride a rocket and have a couple kids but there’s no way that the Iranians should get to have a nuclear weapon.  If I sign up at XCOR and they blow me up, I’ll have understood the risk.  If I get kids from marriage or a sperm donor and they make my life a mess, it’s my own fault; I’ll have understood the risk.  But if the Iranians get nukes and start blowing up shit, that’ll only be my fault if I’m on the side of people who let them.  I won’t be on that side.  Common people, stop them.  If you don’t, you’ll share responsibility with them for the crazy shit that they do. Do you want that guilt? Do you want to live with blood on your hands?”

081204-sperm-crisisNot everyone agrees with Harlequin.  “Nothing is anyone’s fault; there are no moral absolutes or ethical responsibilities.  We do what we do, have a good time if we can, and die, that’s it,” said Harney O’Dickwadd, a professor of ethics from San Francisco, who despises common sense and head colds, but routinely refuses treatment for both.  “Whether you’re riding rockets into space, blowing up people you disagree with, or knocking up chicks with reckless abandon, it’s all the same.  If it was fun then that’s a reward worth the risk.  If you blow yourself up by accident, spread bad genes or disease, or something else happens that makes you unhappy, then it wasn’t worth it.  It’s all about me and having a good time.  I don’t care about anyone else.  I’m not responsible for anything I do.  And the U.S. government agrees.  They proved that by bailing out stupid mortgage lenders who mismanaged their businesses to the tune of $700 billion.  It’s the new morality baby.  Personal responsibility is dead, and is government approved.  I’m lovin it!”

Jules Klar, founder of Phoenix, Arizona-based RocketShip Tours, announced in a XCOR press release this week that his company is now selling rides to the edge of space for $95,000 per flight. Participants will fly aboard the Lynx, a two-seat suborbital vehicle being built by California-based XCOR Aerospace. XCOR Chief Test Pilot and three-time Space Shuttle Pilot and Commander, Rick Searfoss said the Lynx will carry people or payloads to the edges of space up to four times a day. Seated next to him in the co-pilot seat, participants will experience the thrill of a lifetime. The awe- inspiring view of the curvature of Earth, the thin blue mantle of the atmosphere below, and inky blackness of space above will provide participants with unforgettable memories beyond description. Klar said he was inspired by the revolutionary Lynx suborbital vehicle because it offers participants a unique and intimately personal experience. “You’re sitting in a cockpit in the co-pilot’s seat beside your astronaut pilot, with a panoramic view of the stars above and Earth below. It is the ride of your life!”

Ahmadinejad

Ahmadinejad

Times Online reported that Iran poses the greatest foreign policy challenge to Barack Obama, the U.S. President-elect, with Tehran on course to produce a nuclear bomb in the first year of an Obama administration, according to a coalition of top think-tanks. The warning came in a report entitled “Restoring the Balance”. The Middle East strategy for the President-elect was drafted by the Council for Foreign Relations and the Brookings Institution. Mr Obama must keep his promises of direct talks with Tehran and engage the Middle East region as a whole if he is to halt a looming crisis that could be revisited on the US, the experts said. Gary Samore, one of the authors, said that the level of alarm over the “hornet’s nest” facing the President-elect in the Middle East, and the need for the swift adoption of previously untested approach, had inspired the decision to write policy for him. “New administrations can choose new policies but they can’t choose next contexts,” Mr Samore said.

Help wanted

Help wanted

United Press International reported that a Dutchman known as Europe’s most committed sperm donor says he’s fathered 46 children and is willing to keep at it. “I do it because I know how hard it is for people who desperately want a child,” said Ed Houben, a tourism guide from Maastricht. One of the reasons Houben is so popular, he said, is because many men stopped donating sperm three years ago when the United Kingdom said donors no longer could remain anonymous. As a result, British women are going to other countries to find a sperm donor or having sperm samples sent to them, said Houben, noting women find out about him through the Internet and through word of mouth. Houben, who said he’s never had sex with any of his children’s mothers, recently held a party at his home for his children and their families. “The kids had the chance to play with their half-brothers and sisters, which was nice, said Houben.

Some people say that there’s way too much sex and violence in the world and that if XCOR could launch some common decency into the Middle East, they’d happily pay twice the $95,000.

“People spend way too much time worrying about sex and violence instead of living day-to-day with good common sense, a modicum of personal responsibility and just being nice to each other,” said a passing postal recipient, whose rippling biceps and muscular torso often distracts people from hearing what he’s saying. “I’m not a prude who believes that everyone has to think the way I do, or even a person who is against blowing up another nation if they deserve it.  But to call for the destruction of another country because they’re Jewish, like Iran has, or to use innocent taxpayers’ money to bail out millionaire CEO’s who mismanaged their company’s, is just wrong.  This story would have been so much better if it could have been written about sperm donors and fun trips on rockets without having to consider an Iranian prompted nuclear holocaust.  If the Iranian citizens won’t do it, then we have to take down President Ahmadinejad and his nuclear ambitions.  It’s as simple and as complicated as that.  A sad truth perhaps, but a truth just the same.”

In other news, Associated Press reported Monday that a Muslim graveyard in India has refused to bury nine gunmen who terrorized Mumbai over three days last week, leaving at least 172 people dead and wreaking havoc at some of its most famous landmarks. The men are not true followers of the Islamic faith, according to the influential Muslim Jama Masjid Trust, which runs the 7.5-acre (three-hectare) Badakabrastan graveyard in downtown Mumbai. “People who committed this heinous crime cannot be called Muslim,” said Hanif Nalkhande, a trustee. “Islam does not permit this sort of barbaric crime.” No word on how Nalkhande feels about Iran’s plan to wipe Israel off the face of the earth, or Dutchmen who donate sperm to the spermless, but perhaps the fact that a Muslim has declared other Muslims wrong when they indiscriminately killed other people, will offer some hope to those of us who just want to pursue a little bit of life, liberty and happiness, before we slip the surly bonds of earth and touch the face of God.

(C) 2008 InebriatedPress.com

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Hamas: We met Obama advisers

Terrorist group says campaign asked it to keep contact secret until after election

——————————————————————————–
Posted: November 11, 2008
9:39 am Eastern

By Aaron Klein
© 2008 WorldNetDaily

JERUSALEM – Hamas held a meeting in the Gaza Strip several months ago with aides to President-elect Barack Obama, but the terror group was asked to keep the contacts secret until after last week’s elections, according to a senior Hamas official.

Ahmed Yousef, Hamas’ chief political adviser in Gaza, told the leading Al-Hayat Arabic-language newspaper Hamas has maintained regular communication with Obama aides that even continued during the past week.

“We were in contact with a number of Obama’s aides through the Internet, and later met with some of them in Gaza, but they advised us not to come out with any statements, as they may have a negative effect on his election campaign and be used by Republican candidate John McCain (to attack Obama),” Yousuf told Al-Hayat.

Yousuf said Hamas’s contact with Obama’s advisers was ongoing, adding that relations were maintained after Obama’s electoral victory last Tuesday.

Yousef could not be reached by WND for immediate comment. It wasn’t clear which Obama aides Hamas is claiming to have met in Gaza. Obama’s transition team did not immediately respond to a WND e-mail and phone message requesting comment.

Obama’s senior foreign policy adviser, Denis McDonough, told the Jerusalem Post today, “This assertion is just plain false.”

Yousef gave WND a series of recent interviews in which he praised Obama as the leading candidate. Last week, he called Obama’s win a “historic victory” for the world and told WND that Hamas was sending a letter of congratulation to the president-elect.

Six months ago, Robert Malley, a Mideast expert described as an ancillary adviser to Obama, resigned amid a report in a London newspaper that he had contact with Hamas. According to some media reports, Malley is again representing Obama’s positions in meetings in Egypt and Syria, although it wasn’t immediately clear whether he was acting independently. FrontPageMagazine.com claims Malley was dispatched by Obama.

Hamas is responsible for scores of suicide bombings, rocket attacks, shootings and cross-border raids. Its official charter calls for the murder of Jews and destruction of Israel. Just today, Hamas members took responsibility for launching dozens of rockets from Gaza aimed at Jewish civilian population centers.

Last week, Yousef told WND of Obama’s win: “This is a historic day, a turning point. I think this is the very first time in history that one country’s election concerned everyone everywhere all over [the] world. Everybody is looking forward to Obama’s change, for a change in the U.S. policy, particularly in the Israeli-Palestinian equation, which is the mother of all conflicts.”

Yousef said he believes an Obama administration will be more willing to engage in dialogue with Hamas.

He said Obama’s job will be to “restore America’s dignity in the world and put an end to the wars in the region.”

Yousef took the occasion to blast the policies of President Bush, commenting he hopes “that after January the Bush administration will not be heard from again.”

“We are sick of wars and conflict,” the Hamas official said.

Yousef seemed aware his comments may generate some negative publicity for Obama, but he said he feels it important to “reach out and to express our thoughts and engage.”

“I praised him six months ago, some people tried to use that against him. But I knew he would win. Like everyone else, we expected this important victory,” he said.

Yousef was referring to an interview he gave to WND and WABC Radio in April in which he praised Obama and then found his comments had fueled a firestorm of accusations in the presidential campaign.

In April, Yousef stated he hoped Obama would become president, comparing the Illinois senator to President John F. Kennedy.

“We like Mr. Obama, and we hope that he will win the election,” Yousef told WND at the time.

“I hope Mr. Obama and the Democrats will change the political discourse. … I do believe [Obama] is like John Kennedy, a great man with a great principle. And he has a vision to change America to make it in a position to lead the world community, but not with humiliation and arrogance,” Yousef said.

Sen. John McCain repeatedly used Yousef’s remarks to criticize Obama’s judgment foreign policy.

wnd.com

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