Tag Archives: joe biden

Million Dollar Mattress, Hummingbird Sex, and Obama’s TARP Illusion

> Family tosses mattress housing $1 million cash stash
> G-Force’s during Hummingbird Sex would make Fighter Pilots Pass Out
> Obama’s TARP czar has no idea if it’s working, or where the money’s gone

Inebriated Press
June 12, 2009

Sex at the speed of a Hummingbird

Sex at the speed of a Hummingbird

AFP reported Thursday that a woman threw out her mothers’ old mattress not knowing it was stuffed with one million dollars.  And New Scientist reported Wednesday that during courtship-flights male hummingbirds sustain g-forces during acceleration that would cause a fighter jet pilot to pass out.  Meanwhile, The Weekly Standard reported Tuesday that Obama’s TARP oversight chair doesn’t know if it’s working, and doesn’t know where the money is going.  Vice President Joe Biden adds that “people are being scammed already” in the disbursement of $787 billion.  Some people say all’s fair in speed-sex and political-handouts.

A Happy Woman

A Happy Woman

“If you’re going for high-speed sex you have to expect to pass out now and then, it’s just a physical reality.  And if you’re going to jam though government spending plans so fast that no one reads the documentation or sets up a system of checks and balances, then you’re going to waste most of it, that’s just a bureaucratic reality,” said Happy Lucki-Thimaster, a sex worker and political analyst who built her trade during the Bill Clinton administration. “There’s nothing surprising or unusual about any of this.  And if you’re going to throw out other peoples mattresses without checking with them first, you may be tossing out something more valuable than you think.  But what the heck, all’s fair in fast sex, government mismanagement of your tax dollars, and lost fortunes in old bedding.  Shit happens and lots of times it’s purely predictable.  I can’t help but fantasize about having speed sex on a million dollar mattress bought with TARP funds.  It would be a real rush.  Makes me tingly just thinking about it.  Does it feel warm in here to you?”

Someone named Tricia

Someone named Tricia

Not everyone sees it the way Lucki-Thimaster does.  “Humming birds aren’t having high-speed sex; they’re just flapping their wings really fast, that’s all.  And Obama has his fingers on the pulse of everything and knows exactly what he’s doing and where all our money is going.  He said he’d go through the TARP thing and the budget line-by-line personally, and would account for every penny.  Trust him, he’s not just flapping his lips really fast,” said Tricia Kum-Lately, a circus manager and silicon investor, who often does Dallas just because.  “I had a million dollar mattress once but I quit hooking because it was bothering my back.  Now I work with circus clowns.  It’s remarkable how similar they are to the Democrat Congress and Obama administration — and I mean that in a positive way.  They could run the country just as well.  It gives me confidence that democracy works because it doesn’t take any brains or special training to run the world’s biggest economy.  Joe Biden is proof of that.  I’m so proud of this country.  In fact I think it’s the first time in my life that I’m really proud of America.  I guess I’ve got that in common with Michelle Obama.”

A surprising mattress

A surprising mattress

AFP reported that a stash of cash landed in the trash when a woman in Israel dumped her mother’s mattress not knowing it was stuffed with the equivalent of about one million dollars. Israeli media reported that the 40-year-old woman showed up at a garbage dump in a panic on Tuesday, looking for the valuable bedding. She had bought a new mattress for her mother and, wanting the gift to be a surprise, threw away the old one. She then found out the decades-old mattress contained her mother’s life savings. Workers are helping her search the garbage, but have found no sign of the cash so far.

Real hummingbird sex, or just faking it?

Real hummingbird sex, or just faking it?

New Scientist reported that male hummingbirds are breaking the speed record for love. During courtship flights, male Anna’s hummingbirds sustain accelerations that would cause a fighter jet pilot to pass out. Chris Clark, a biologist at the University of California at Berkeley, believes that the pressures of courtship push males to the limit of what is physically possible. Using high-speed video footage to study their flight, he has shown that, relative to their body size, male Anna’s hummingbirds are the fastest moving vertebrates. As they approach the ground, the hummingbirds spread their wings and tail, letting them pull them up into a skywards glide. At this stage, Clark calculated that their bodies undergo centripetal accelerations reaching 10 g – a force equivalent to 10 times the gravitational pull of Earth. Fighter jet pilots can pass out or temporarily lose their sight at accelerations above 7 g because their blood becomes unevenly distributed in their circulatory system.

We have no clue, but I wouldn't worry.

We have no clue, but I wouldn't worry.

The Weekly Standard reported that Obama’s transparency czar is using $84 million to build a web site that won’t be usable until October, and may not be useful until four years from now. Obama’s stimulus oversight guru, Joe Biden, says “people are being scammed already” in the disbursement of $787 billion. And, when asked whether TARP is working, Prof. Elizabeth Warren— head of the Congressionally formed oversight committee for that particular trillion-dollar project—says: “We can’t disclose what isn’t known. We’ve disclosed as much as we can, we’ve addressed this in our various reports. The Secretary of the Treasury says there are some positive indicators and there some negative indicators still in the economy. And that’s the best we can do.”  Aren’t giant, cumbersome government programs fun, especially now that the Obama administration’s cult of competence is in charge and offering unprecedented transparency and accountability?  When asked if she had a clear sense of what the overall TARP plan was and whether she was capable of summarizing what it’s supposed to be doing, she said: “No. And neither is Treasury. Treasury has given us multiple contradictory explanations for what it’s trying to accomplish.”

Fear not, for the wind and waves obey me

Fear not, for the wind and waves obey me

In other news, Associated Press reported Wednesday that the wind, a favorite power source of the green energy movement, seems to be dying down across the United States. And the cause, ironically, may be global warming – the very problem wind power seeks to address. The idea that winds may be slowing is still a speculative one, and scientists disagree whether that is happening. But a first-of-its-kind study suggests that average and peak wind speeds have been noticeably slowing since 1973, especially in the Midwest and the East. The study, which will be published in August in the peer-reviewed Journal of Geophysical Research, is preliminary, however, a couple of earlier studies also found wind reductions in Australia and Europe, offering more comfort that the U.S. findings are real. The new study “demonstrates, rather conclusively in my mind, that average and peak wind speeds have decreased over the U.S. in recent decades,” said Michael Mann, director of the Earth System Science Center at Penn State University.  No word on how the scientists feel about high-speed sex, million dollar mattresses or wasted TARP money, but you can bet they’re trying to harness the hot air pouring out of D.C. as a new energy source.  Or at least trying to get their piece of the federal budget so they can study it.

(C) 2009 InebriatedPress.com

Source articles:

Dumped mattress lands cash in trash in Israel
http://www.google.com/hostednews/afp/article/ALeqM5hvRwWnDjIUF3gNuTPVjHc7OPjTag

Male hummingbirds break speed record for love
http://www.newscientist.com/article/dn17277-male-hummingbirds-break-speed-record-for-love.html

video — http://brightcove.newscientist.com/services/player/bcpid1873822884?bctid=25816667001

TARP Oversight Chair Says She Doesn’t Know Whether It’s Working
http://www.weeklystandard.com/weblogs/TWSFP/2009/06/tarp_oversight_chair_says_she.asp

US Stimulus Fraud could hit $50B
http://macedoniaonline.eu/content/view/7101/52/

Not so windy: Research suggests winds dying down
http://hosted.ap.org/dynamic/stories/U/US_SCI_DIMINISHING_WINDS?SITE=PAPIT&SECTION=NATIONAL&TEMPLATE=DEFAULT

Comments Off on Million Dollar Mattress, Hummingbird Sex, and Obama’s TARP Illusion

Filed under Humor, IP News

Government Waste too Slow, Hugo Chavez “Penis” Phone Launched, and Man Catches Wife Cheating in Porn DVD

> US Spent Less than 6% of Stimulus, as Economy Recovers
> Venezuela President Launches Affordable “Penis” Phone
> Man Buys Porn DVD, Discovers Wife Having Sex with Friend

Inebriated Press
May 15, 2009

We're spending as fast as we can

We're spending as fast as we can

Reason Magazine reported Wednesday that the U.S. federal government has spent less than 6 percent of the $787 billion stimulus package approved by Congress in February, while the economy is recovering on its own.  Both the Fed chief and head of the president’s Council of Economic Advisors say the recession will end later this year.  Vice President Joe Biden says they’re spending as fast as they can and hope to have 70% spent by summer of 2010.  And IntoMobile reported Tuesday that Hugo Chavez became the first sitting national leader to launch a cell phone. The phone is called the “vergatorio” which is local slang for “penis.” Meanwhile, The Courier Mail reported that a man bought a porn DVD only to find footage of his wife having sex with his friend. Pundits are debating the power of a free economy, and the nature of cellular genitalia and video revelations.

Someone named Ashley

Someone named Ashley

“Good things come to those who wait, especially a solid economy if the country has a free market system with a modicum of common-sense regulation and limited taxation.  On the other hand, weird stuff will come from socialist leadership, like cell phone genitalia.  And I don’t know what to say about the poor bastard who caught his wife screwing his friend on some DVD he bought,” said Ashley Monigram-Holism, a hair care professional smitten with rational thinking and a small heat rash.  “It is rather remarkable that the U.S. economy shows signs of improvement despite the heavy corporate taxes that Obama wants to make worse, and a bizarre political system that rewards failure while forcing well-managed companies to compete against firms artificially propped up by the government.  Of course such resiliency can’t last if Obama taxes and controls private firms they way he plans to, and continues to nationalize badly run companies.  I wonder when he’ll announce his version of a penis phone.  Maybe he’ll have Chrysler and GM build environmentally friendly penis cars.  I’d like to talk more but I’m busy scanning porn DVD’s trying to find out if my husband is cheating on me.  So far so good.  Does it feel hot in here to you?”

Someone named Trixie

Someone named Trixie

Not everyone agrees with Monigram-Holism.  “The suggestion that America’s economy is improving on its own just because a tiny part of the stimulus package has been spent is absurd.  Such thinkers mistake the nature of economic recovery as something related to money, sales or GDP, when it’s really all about attitude.  President Obama’s current leadership of the free world is why all things are and will continue to become better and better,” said Trixie Dixie, an existential philosopher who gave up her job as a dish washer when Obama appointed her advisor to the U.S. Treasury.  “And don’t think that penis-based telephones, automobiles and hair care products won’t improve life on earth, and perhaps alter our understanding about race relations, gay rights and STD cures.  The more comfortable we become with goods and services that reference genitalia, the greater our capacity to contemplate the wonder of humankind within the scope of technological advancement, the social influence of Al Qaeda, and family members on porn DVD’s.  And I’m not just saying this because I use medical marijuana heavily; I’ve thought this all through.  Damn this is some good shit.”

Biden talks spending or penis phone

Biden talks spending or penis phone

Reason Magazine reported that it turns out the federal government is not even efficient at wasting our money. The New York Times reports that less than 6 percent of the $787 billion stimulus package approved by Congress in February has been spent so far. The Obama administration has said it wants to spend 70 percent by the summer of 2010, so it will have to pick up the pace. Not to worry, says Vice President Biden: “I think that what you’re going to see happen here is the velocity of this will increase not just arithmetically, but geometrically here. At least, we’ve got to make that happen.” They’d better hurry, before the economy recovers on its own. Both Federal Reserve Chairman Ben Bernanke and Christina Romer, chairwoman of the president’s Council of Economic Advisers, say it looks like the recession will end later this year. In fact, Barclays Capital strategist Barry Knapp says it may have ended last month, which he predicts is where the National Bureau of Economic Research ultimately will locate the bottom of the downturn.

The Congressional Budget Office estimates that only 25 percent of the stimulus money will be spent by the end of this year. That’s one-quarter of a sum that stimulus enthusiasts such as New York Times columnist Paul Krugman said was woefully inadequate. “We’re trying to get the money out as quickly as we can,” says Biden, “but not too quickly, so we don’t end up really screwing up here….In 85 days we’ve gotten tens of billions of dollars out the door, and so far — knock on wood — no real big problems, no real big glitches.” In February, Nick Gillespie noted that stimulus spending always seems to come after the recession is over. Yesterday Veronique de Rugy and Eileen Norcross wondered if we’ll ever know exactly where the current batch of magically multiplying money went.

Chavez & Castro talk PenisPhone 2.0 with vibrator prototype

Chavez & Castro talk PenisPhone 2.0 with vibrator prototype

IntoMobile reported that Venezuela’s president Hugo Chavez has just done what no other cell phone company in the world would dare do. Chavez has launched the first ever “penis” phone. In an unprecedented product launch, Hugo Chavez became the first sitting national leader to launch a cell phone. Hugo took the time during his weekly TV show, “Hello President,” to unveil to the world the new “Vergatorio” cell phone. He proclaimed to the world that “This telephone will be the biggest seller not only in Venezuela but the world.” Chavez went on to add that “whoever doesn’t have a Vergatario is nothing.” For those not too versed in Venezuelan slang, the name “vergatorio” is derived from the local slang for “penis.” Chavez started down the road to his historic “penis” cell phone launch when he nationalized the cell phone manufacturer that made the Vergatorio. The President-turned-cell phone-pitchman wanted to make a cell phone that was “light, beautiful, good and cheap.” The end result is the unfortunately named Vergatorio.

AffairsThe Courier Mail reported that a Taiwan carpenter bought a porn DVD only to find secretly taped motel footage of his wife having sex with his friend, whom the husband later stabbed. The husband, identified only by his surname Lee, discovered the illicit sex on the DVD in 2002. The sexual acts apparently had been recorded using a hidden camera and were on a pornographic DVD, titled Affairs with Others’ Wives, which the husband bought from a vendor to watch at home. Lee, who lives in Taoyuan County near Taipei, divorced his wife after viewing the DVD. His friend, a butcher, fled their village. In August 2008, Lee spotted the butcher in Chungli City, returned with a knife and stabbed his former friend in the thigh. Lee was indicted on Tuesday on a charge of causing bodily harm to another person.

Some people say the notion of common sense and good taste are illusions forced upon the masses by the bourgeoisie.

Vibrator phone

Vibrator phone

“It’s all bullshit,” said Marxie Noble, as he sat with his penis in one hand and cell phone in the other and wondered which was which.  “Logic and taste are invented dictums being forced on the people by power mongers who want to enslave men and women with dialectical arguments about values, responsibility and rule of law.  It’s all meaningless.  Soon, countries run by enlightened dictators will prove how much better off their economies are than capitalist ones because their leaders do whatever they feel like.  For example, when Hugo launches PenisPhone 2.0 — a cell phone/vibrator combo — Venezuela’s economy will explode and become the most powerful in the world.  You think women are always on their cell phones now, wait until 2.0, they’ll be literally on-their-phones day and night.  Gives whole new meaning to the cell phone company’s ‘Family and Friends’ program.”

Penis slashing

Penis slashing

In other news, Thanhnien News reported a couple weeks ago that doctors have been reporting an increase in the number of Vietnamese men being rushed to hospital after their sexual organs have been cut off by jealous wives or girlfriends. The good news for the castrated men is that the amputated organ can be successfully reattached if it is preserved properly. Doctors say the men who have their members cut off should “hang on to their penises” and not give up hope.  A properly refrigerated penis rushed to hospital with the victim, can be successfully reattached and in most cases erections return about a month after surgery.  However, doctors say ejaculation may be delayed for a while and the penis could be a little smaller than before.  No word on whether the doctors also fix penis cell phones, but once Joe Biden is on the case, rest assured that the government will be working on it as fast as it can.  So we’ve got that going for us.

(C) 2009 InebriatedPress.com

 

Source articles:

Biden: We’re Spending As Fast As We Can
http://reason.com/blog/show/133466.html

Venezuela’s Hugo Chavez launches affordable “Penis” phone
http://www.intomobile.com/2009/05/12/venezuelas-hugo-chavez-launches-affordable-penis-phone.html

Man busts wife, mate in porn DVD
http://www.news.com.au/couriermail/story/0,23739,25473694-5013016,00.html

Men should hold onto dongs, due to recent slashes
http://www.thanhniennews.com/healthy/?catid=8&newsid=48173

Comments Off on Government Waste too Slow, Hugo Chavez “Penis” Phone Launched, and Man Catches Wife Cheating in Porn DVD

Filed under Humor, IP News

Nipplegate Revisited, Porn Star Eyes Senate Run, and Woman Hides Crack in Crack

> U.S. Supreme Court calls for “wardrobe malfunction” review
> Porn star Stormy Daniels launches Senate “Listening Tour”
> Woman arrested; smuggled crack cocaine in vagina

Inebriated Press
May 5, 2009

Bit nipply out

Bit nipply out

The New York Times reported yesterday that the U.S. Supreme Court set aside a ruling by the U.S. Court of Appeals that had overturned a $550,000 fine imposed on CBS for Janet Jackson’s nipple flash during the 2004 Super Bowl, and called for “further consideration” of the conclusion.  And Politico reported last Friday that porn star Stormy Daniels is launching a “Listening Tour” across Louisiana, in order to meet with men and women and listen to issues and concerns, and gauge a potential run for the U.S. Senate.  Meanwhile, WHAS-TV 11, Louisville, Kentucky, reported that a woman was arrested Friday, for smuggling drugs that she concealed in her “private parts”.  Pundits are debating the risks and rewards of out-of-control clothing, out-of-control politics and out-of-control drug smuggling. 

Someone named Tom

Someone named Tom

“America is playing fast and loose with its ethics, economy, and damn near everything in between.  What with trillions of dollars in debt and the risk of future hyper-inflation that we call ‘stimulus’ today, and out-of-control clothing on singers, and porn star Senator-wannabe’s, not to mention vaginal drug smuggling,” said Tom Thumb-Naill, a small businessman who made money the past two years, and has complained about Obama’s tax-and-redistribution plan, so now Homeland Security considers him a terrorist suspect.  “I wouldn’t really give a shit, except every time I turn around I’m getting hosed.  I bust my ass to build a business and now I’m supposed to give my earnings to bums and vagrants who bought crack out of some woman’s crack and wasted their brains.  In the new America of hope and change, businessmen are considered terrorists and troublemakers.  I suppose electing Daniels as Senator makes some sense.  If we’re going to get screwed anyway it may as well be by someone who looks hot and knows how to give constituents a good time while doing us.  Shit I’m depressed.”

Someone named Misty

Someone named Misty

Not everyone sees it the way Thumb-Naill does.  “During times of significant societal change, some people will feel stress and may misunderstand the benefits of the things going on around them.  They may perceive loss when their taxes go up or inflation spikes, or they may have feelings of foreboding and even discomfort when they learn that free speech is only acceptable if it’s pro-liberal-socialist government — if they’re not used to the idea,” said Misty Breastplate-Barfly, a self-proclaimed intellectual, who lives on George Soros dime in an out-of-the-way villa where only deep thinking is allowed.  “In time American’s will warm to the talk-middle-of-the-road and rule-far-left governing approach of Barack Obama, our light bringer and space heater.  They’ll even come to appreciate the coercive techniques and Chicago Style Politics that characterizes our government today.  Centralized power in the hands of a small cadre of elite is a time honored and historically proven governing approach.  Only unenlightened conservatives, Neanderthals, and early American patriots have a hard time understanding and embracing this classic approach to power.  And like the Dodo bird, they’ll all go the way of extinction.  Want to buy some coke?  I keep some in my panties; oh, and I’m thinking of running for governor.”

Janet makes clean breast of it

Janet makes clean breast of it

The New York Times reported that the Supreme Court on Monday set aside a ruling by the United States Court of Appeals for the Third Circuit, in Philadelphia, that had overturned a $550,000 fine imposed by the Federal Communications Commission on CBS for the “wardrobe malfunction,” as the fateful moment has been described. The high court said the Third Circuit should give “further consideration” to its conclusion last July 21 that the F.C.C. was wrong to fine the network. So, what may be the most controversial fraction of a second in television history, the momentary baring of the singer Janet Jackson’s breast during the halftime show of the 2004 Super Bowl, will be debated once again in federal court. The lyrics sung by Justin Timberlake “Gonna have you naked by the end of this song,” was followed by the exposure of Ms. Jackson’s breast.  The event called ‘nipplegate’ by some lasted nine-sixteenths of one second. That is barely enough time for the speediest wide receiver to cover five yards on a dry field, but plenty of time to generate litigation that has lasted half a decade, with accompanying lawyers’ fees.

Senator wannabe

Senator wannabe

Politico reported that porn star Stormy Daniels has launched a “Listening Tour” across Louisiana. The star of such films as “Operation Desert Stormy” will appear in Baton Rouge on Tuesday and New Orleans on Wednesday in order to “meet with Louisiana men and women and listen to the issues and concerns they struggle with everyday” and gauge a potential run against Sen. David Vitter (R.). The untraditional path into politics for Daniels, a 29-year-old with no party affiliation at present, began in February when fans launched the website DraftStormy.com to encourage a run. Daniels hopes that her career as a porn star (and producer, writer and director) won’t prove much of a hindrance, since Vitter has some sexual history of his own: In July 2007, his phone number appeared in the published phone log of Deborah Jeane Palfrey, AKA the “D.C. Madam.”

WHAS-11 Louisville reported that there was an unusual arrest early Friday at metro corrections. Police say 20-year-old Ashley Greene concealed drugs within her private parts in attempt to hide them and to bring them into the jail. The arrest report says officers also found $60, crack cocaine and marijuana in that “same area”.

Some say that stash in snatch and crack in crack sound like some kind of Dr. Seuss storybook rhyme.

Snatch stasher

Snatch stasher

“During these trick turning times, I mean tricky times, it’s important to take a moment and smell the roses or sniff the cocaine, and reflect on the poetic meanings that lay beneath the flowery words in Obama’s speeches that seem so irrelevant and yet change our lives so much,” said a passing vagrant, currently an Obama appointed advisor to Central Intelligence.  “There’s the crack in the crack sir, and stash in the snatch sir, and green eggs and ham, so spam I am and I get in my email.  It’s a wobelgotom day of cauliflower memories and wolfblizer verbiage, with multicolored laptops beneath a blue verboten sky.  I don’t know what that means, but as long as my government check clears, why should I give a shit?  I’m awash in a world of hope and change.  Gone is traditional America.  Good luck trying to bring it back.”

Deep thoughts

Deep thoughts

In other news, CNN reported last Thursday that after Vice President Joe Biden told American’s to avoid swine flu by not traveling or going into confined spaces with other people, White House press secretary Robert Gibbs said that Biden meant something else.  “I know what he said, and I am telling you what he meant to say,” Gibbs said.  No word on how the Obama administration feels about a porn platform in the Senate, or storing crack in ones crack, but now that they engage in re-interpreting their own statements on a daily basis, we can expect ongoing conflicting announcements on all subjects, and it’s up to us to perceive any reality we wish, just as long as it favors the Obama administration.  Otherwise, you’re a potential terrorist.  And you don’t want that.

(C) 2009 InebriatedPress.com

Source articles:

Justices Tell Appeals Court to Revisit Super Bowl Incident
http://www.nytimes.com/2009/05/05/business/media/05fcc.html?ref=global-home

Porn star flirts with La. Senate run
http://www.politico.com/news/stories/0509/22007.html

Woman arrested for allegedly smuggling drugs, cash in her private parts
http://www.whas11.com/topstories/stories/whas11-local-090501-ashley-greene.cfd51ea.html

White House apologizes for undue alarm over Biden comments
http://politicalticker.blogs.cnn.com/2009/04/30/white-house-apologizes-for-undue-alarm-over-biden-comments/

Comments Off on Nipplegate Revisited, Porn Star Eyes Senate Run, and Woman Hides Crack in Crack

Filed under Humor, IP News

Joe Biden – making jokes, irritating Obama

By Jimmy Orr | 01.22.09
Christian Science Monitor

The O-Biden Team

The O-Biden Team

Joe Biden’s back in the news! And it’s just like the campaign!

This time he poked fun at Supreme Court Justice John Roberts’s flubbing of the oath of office and President Obama didn’t get the joke.

President Obama and Vice President Biden were up in room 450 of the Eisenhower Executive Office Building to welcome in new staff and to have White House senior staff take their oaths of office.

The vice president is the one who administers this oath and appeared to forget about it (video below).

“Joe, you want to administer the oath?,” he prodded his number two.

“Am I doing this again? Oh! For the senior staff,” he suddenly remembered.

“My memory’s not as good as Justice Roberts’ … Chief Justice Roberts,” referencing the Chief Justice’s failed attempt to administer the presidential oath of office by heart.

Attendees groaned and a smattering of laughter was heard. But President Obama was stone-faced. Some described his reaction as grim.

Some eagle-eye observers saw even more.

“What wasn’t noticed so widely was that instantly Obama’s right hand went out and gave Biden’s elbow a warning squeeze. This isn’t Delaware, Dorothy,” wrote the LA Times’s Andy Malcolm.

csmonitor.com

Comments Off on Joe Biden – making jokes, irritating Obama

Filed under IP News, NEWS

Sex and Booze Diet, Selling the Unabomber, and the Coming Solar Storm of Doom

> Hard Body Diet Includes Sex and Booze
> Unabomber Writings to Be Sold Online
> Powerful Solar Storm Could Shut Down U.S.

Inebriated Press
January 14, 2009

090114-hard-body-diet-includes-sex-and-boozeThe National Ledger reported last week that a new diet book called “Eat, Drink, and Be Gorgeous” says you can have your cake and eat it to.  The author says it’s too hard to stick with drastic diets and that fat-free foods take a toll on our sex lives.  She says regular helpings of sex, booze and even meat is important. And Fox News reported last week that a federal court has ordered the writings of the Unabomber be sold online with proceeds going to victims and survivors.  Meanwhile, Fox also reported that a new study from the National Academy of Sciences outlines grim possibilities on Earth from a powerful magnetic storm capable of disabling satellites, threatening astronaut safety, and even disrupting communication systems. Inebriated reporters are eagerly planning  for lots of booze and sex during the upcoming communications black-out, and the bidding war for the Unabomber writings.

090114-unabomber-manifesto“When I learned that I could become gorgeous on the sex and booze diet and then found out that solar storms were going to knock out the U.S. communication system for months, I figured it was my chance to live large in the dark and come out the other side a hotter babe than I already am now,” said Inebriated reporter Sunny Delight, a part-time writer and full-time sweet drink of female companionship.  “The Unabomber’s writing is probably something that a person who hasn’t lost their free cash in the economic down-turn might want to bid on, but it’s just so much hot air to me.  I mean the guy had to blow up stuff and kill people in order to try and get his point across.  I think the sex and booze diet will sell more copies.”

Solar storm

Solar storm

Not everyone agrees with Delight.  “The coming dark age of an electronic communication-less world will be a time of reflection for people around the earth and everyone will want to read the tome of a guy who blew people up, while they consider their own futures.  I’m sure that Al Qaeda, Hamas and other groups like them will want to read it,” said Dusty Mindbend, a vagrant and part-time explosive expert, who has been thinking a lot about becoming a radical Muslim so he can live his dreams in an ethical manner.  “Let’s face it, with Barack Obama, Nancy Pelosi and Harry Reid running things in America, that country will go so far to the left that even the Unabomber won’t like it.  We need to pull things to the radical Muslim right and ban sex, booze and the use of electric lights.  It’s a future I can believe in.”

The National Ledger reported that “Eat, Drink, and Be Gorgeous” is offered up by Esther Blum to get you on your way to that summer bikini body. “It’s quite possible to have your cake and eat it too,” argues dietitian-nutritionist Blum in this bubbly, vivacious approach to living well the healthy way. Avoiding dietary absolutes and encouraging readers to make gradual changes in their eating habits rather than drastic ones (which are often hard to keep up), Blum’s sensible guide is sure to resonate with young women. She makes compelling arguments for choosing organic foods-going so far as to list the top 12 most contaminated fruits and vegetables-and extols the virtues of grass-fed meat and dairy.”

Booze belt; be prepared

Booze belt; be prepared

“Fat-free diets have had the most awful impact on our sex lives too,” added Blum, who has run her nutrition clinic for 15 years and is a member of the American Dietetic Association and the Certification Board for Nutrition Specialists. “Women have removed fat from their diets, then been surprised when their libido is affected.”

Esther offers, “We live in a low-fat, fat-free culture, and women in particular have done their bodies a disservice, because we have disrupted our hormones to a quite phenomenal degree.”  More sex and a hard body will sound very good to many ladies, even in Hollywood.  Claims have been made that Sarah Jessica Parker has adopted the plan.

Kaczynski

Kaczynski

Fox News reported that a federal appeals court has ordered the writings of the Unabomber, Theodore Kaczynski, be sold online. Kaczynski is serving a life sentence for killing three people and injuring 23 during a nationwide bombing campaign between 1978 and 1995. The appeals court’s decision upholds a lower court ruling on the matter. Proceeds from the sale will be given to Kaczynski’s victims and their survivors. A judge had ordered Kaczynski to pay $15 million restitution. Representing himself, Kaczynski had objected to the online sale and argued that he should retain control of the papers.

Fox also reported that a new study from the National Academy of Sciences outlines grim possibilities on Earth for a worst-case scenario solar storm. The prediction is based in part on a major solar storm in 1859 that caused telegraph wires to short out in the United States and Europe, igniting widespread fires. When the sun is in the active phase of its 11-year cycle, it can unleash powerful magnetic storms that disable satellites, threaten astronaut safety, and even disrupt communication systems on Earth. The worst storms can knock out power grids by inducing currents that melt transformers.

090114_send_booze2“Impacts would be felt on interdependent infrastructures with, for example, potable water distribution affected within several hours; perishable foods and medications lost in 12-24 hours; immediate or eventual loss of heating/air conditioning, sewage disposal, phone service, transportation, fuel resupply and so on,” the report states. Outages could take months to fix, the researchers say. Banks might close, and trade with other countries might halt. “Emergency services would be strained, and command and control might be lost,” write the researchers, led by Daniel Baker, director of the Laboratory for Atmospheric and Space Physics at the University of Colorado in Boulder. The race is on for better forecasting abilities, as the next peak in solar activity is expected to come around 2012. The report was commissioned and funded by NASA. Experts from around the world in industry, government and academia participated.

Some people say that the solar storm could affect climate change on the earth and that world governments should join together and commission Theodore Kaczynski to destroy the sun and save our planet.

Someone named Stacy

Someone named Stacy

“Never mind that we’ve been having one of the coldest winters on record and that the Arctic ice is now at 1979 levels again, it’s still not cold enough to allow earth to survive the coming solar flare-up that’s going to wipe out all digital communications, power grids, baby seals and sex as we know it,” said Stacy McMasterson-Johnson, an executive secretary heavily into the booze and sex diet, sometimes having both at the same time.  “If Ted will blow up the sun I think we can still save this planet from global warming and have time to give Al Gore another award or two.  I may be a drunken nympho but I know what I’m talking about.  It’s not just Joe Biden who has a corner on television technology you know.”

Orgasmic porridge

Orgasmic porridge

In other news, OneIndia reported last week that along with a line of pills, lotions, Yoga and many other things to boost orgasm, Porridge is now an acclaimed adult breakfast cereal. ‘Morning Glory’ by Rude Health, a cereal product, has a growing number of fans including the famous cook Nigella Lawson, among others. Porridge is recommended as a good start for an early day and boosts the libido qualities.  It’s called “an orgasmic breakfast-in-bed”.  Reportedly a mixture of pumpkin seeds with zinc content “for a high-octane sex-drive boost,” barley, rye and quinoa flakes, “for a cheeky wake-up crunch,” all form the main content of the cereal. No word on whether it’s best for you when doused with booze or if it’s included in the “Eat, Drink, and Be Gorgeous” cookbook, but if the power grid goes down I’ll bet you’ll wish you have some.

(C) 2009 InebriatedPress.com

Source articles:

Hard Body Diet Includes Sex and Booze: The Exciting Esther Blum Way
http://www.nationalledger.com/ledgerpop/article_272624461.shtml

Unabomber Writings to Be Sold Online, Court Rules
http://www.foxnews.com/story/0,2933,478644,00.html

Powerful Solar Storm Could Shut Down U.S. for Months
http://www.foxnews.com/story/0,2933,478024,00.html

What Disappearing Sea Ice?
http://www.americanthinker.com/blog/2009/01/what_disappearing_sea_ice.html

Bed Breakfast Porridge Promises Orgasm
http://living.oneindia.in/insync/2009/bed-breakfast-porridge-orgasm-080109.html

Tools of the Unabomber’s trade:

090114-unabomber-manifesto-tools

Comments Off on Sex and Booze Diet, Selling the Unabomber, and the Coming Solar Storm of Doom

Filed under Humor, IP News

Out of Hiding: JFK Endorses McCain

President Kennedy Living on Island with Marilyn Monroe
Former Leader Pissed at Global Trends and U.S. Shift to Left

Inebriated Press \ Tabloid Division
October 28, 2008

In a stunning revelation on Bahamas television this morning, President John F. Kennedy issued his support for Republican presidential candidate John McCain.  Kennedy, widely believed to have been assassinated in Dallas on November 22, 1963, said the murder was faked so he and Marilyn Monroe could enjoy life together on a deserted island.  The former president said that current global trends and this years blatant adoption of socialism by the Democrat Party, caused him to come out of hiding so he could tell American’s it is time they pull their “collective heads out of their collective asses” and start thinking straight.

Wake up you idiots, says JFK

Wake up you idiots, says JFK

“I’m calling on all U.S. citizens who value peace, freedom and the American way of life, to support the only presidential candidate who has a pro-American platform by voting for Senator John McCain,” said the 91-year-old former president, looking tanned and relaxed after 45 years of islander living.  “Marilyn and I went through great lengths to fake our deaths and hide out on a comfy island in the pacific, and I’d still be there enjoying the sun and living in ignorance if not for DirecTV and Fox News.  I’m so pissed about the idiots running the U.S. Congress and running as Democrats for high office that I had to come out and say something.  Today’s Republicans are like liberal Democrats from my day, and today’s Democrats are like old-school socialist-Marxists.  Holy shit people, haven’t you been paying attention to what happens when you get socialist-Marxist government?  Don’t you understand that when you people invoke ‘JFK’ and talk about my politics that you’re talking about a strong defense and moderate economic stimulus?  It was Johnson who did all the ‘Great Society’ crap that cost millions, not me.  I’m sick of having my initials dragged around like I was some commie.  I stared down those bastards during the Cuban missile crisis.  Now the guy you call a Democrat says he’s willing to sit down unconditionally with leaders of terrorist states?  Wake up you crazy bastards!  If you keep going the direction you’re going, you’re going to wind up where you’re headed.”

Islanders out of hiding.

Islanders out of hiding.

Not everyone believes the speaker was really JFK.  “Oswald blew JFK’s brains all over the limo seat on November 22nd in Dallas, and there’s no way he’s chatting about how crazy senator Obama’s socialist governing plans are,” said an Obama for President spokesperson, who refused to give their name or current gender.  “If it actually was Kennedy, he wouldn’t have any brains to think with, and I believe you can tell from the statements the guy made, that the comments were pretty senseless.  Anyone claiming to be a Democrat and says he watches Fox News is a liar.  Everyone knows that NBC is the Democrat network and the only place to get proper Obamaesque talking points and dialectical arguments.  Anyway, the whole notion that JFK’s politics are pertinent to this century is laughable. Nobody cares how high their taxes go or worries about defending America from its enemies.  That stuff is behind us now. Everyone wants change.”

Gratuitous Picture of Island Girl

Gratuitous Picture of Island Girl

Pundits have been debating whether Senator Barack Obama’s proposed income redistribution plans and intention to cut funding to new defense platforms is the best way to strengthen and protect the United States.  Some argue that the plans reflect Obama’s anti-American circle of friends and associates, and believe it to be a bad thing, while others say it’s necessary to enable fundamental change to occur. 

“You can’t say you’ll change things and then stick with fundamental American economics, a pro-military defense posture or the original U.S. Constitution.  Nope, in order to make real change you have to slash the military, take money from citizens who have it and give it to others, and reinterpret the Constitution.  That’s real change,” said Flower Power, an aging 1960’s radical, currently in line for appointment by Obama to head either the U.S. Department of Defense or the U.S. Treasury.  “When Barack says he’ll change America, he means it.  Damn straight. That’s why people support him.”

Wikipedia says John Fitzgerald “Jack” Kennedy, often referred to by his initials JFK, was the thirty-fifth President of the United States, serving from 1961 until his assassination in 1963. After Kennedy’s military service as commander of the Motor Torpedo Boat PT-109 during World War II in the South Pacific, his aspirations turned political, with the encouragement and grooming of his father, Joseph P. Kennedy, Sr. Kennedy represented the state of Massachusetts in the U.S. House of Representatives from 1947 to 1953 as a Democrat, and in the U.S. Senate from 1953 until 1960. Kennedy defeated then Vice President and Republican candidate Richard Nixon in the 1960 U.S. presidential election, one of the closest in American history.

The Cuban Missile Crisis began on October 14, 1962, when American U-2 spy planes took photographs of a Soviet intermediate-range ballistic missile site under construction in Cuba. The photos were shown to Kennedy on October 16, 1962. America would soon be posed with a serious nuclear threat. Kennedy faced a dilemma: if the U.S. attacked the sites, it might lead to nuclear war with the U.S.S.R., but if the U.S. did nothing, it would endure the threat of nuclear weapons being launched from close range. Because the weapons were in such proximity, the U.S. might have been unable to retaliate if they were launched pre-emptively. Another consideration was that the U.S. would appear to the world as weak in its own hemisphere.

This is why Kennedy left politics for island living.

This is why Kennedy left politics for island living.

Many military officials and cabinet members pressed for an air assault on the missile sites, but Kennedy ordered a naval quarantine in which the U.S. Navy inspected all ships arriving in Cuba. He began negotiations with the Soviets and ordered the Soviets to remove all defensive material that was being built on Cuba. Without doing so, the Soviet and Cuban peoples would face naval quarantine. A week later, he and Soviet Premier Nikita Khrushchev reached an agreement. Khrushchev agreed to remove the missiles subject to U.N. inspections if the U.S. publicly promised never to invade Cuba and quietly removed US missiles stationed in Turkey. Following this crisis, which brought the world closer to nuclear war than at any point before or since, Kennedy was more cautious in confronting the Soviet Union.

Kennedy was assassinated on November 22, 1963, in Dallas, Texas. Lee Harvey Oswald was charged with the crime and was murdered two days later by Jack Ruby before he could be put on trial. The Warren Commission concluded that Oswald had acted alone in killing the president; however, the House Select Committee on Assassinations declared in 1979 that there was more likely a conspiracy that included Oswald. The entire subject remains controversial, with multiple theories about the assassination still being debated.

In other news, Gallup reported Sunday that likely voter estimates continue to show Barack Obama with a significant lead over John McCain. The traditional model estimates Obama with a 50% to 45% advantage in Oct. 23-25 polling, and the expanded model has Obama leading by 52% to 43%. Reportedly American’s are so tired of the poor performance of the Democrat Congress that they intend to give them a filibuster-proof majority so they can do whatever they want thus assuring that real change of some kind will occur; and with gas prices falling and the war in Iraq under control, voters figure a Democrat president with dictatorial powers and a socialist vision is just what the country needs to become something else.  No word on how fast the real JFK is spinning in his grave, but word out of Virginia is that strong earth vibrations in Arlington National Cemetery can now be measured on the Richter scale — for the first time in history.

(C) 2008 InebriatedPress.com

Comments Off on Out of Hiding: JFK Endorses McCain

Filed under Humor, IP Tabloid

Virtual Wife Nags as Virtual Husband Killed, Actual Iran Backs Obama

Japanese weight loss service provides nagging virtual wife
Woman arrested for hacking online game to kill virtual husband
Iran announces support for Barack Obama presidency

Inebriated Press \ Division of Rant (with Pretzels)
October 27, 2008

Gizmodo reported last week that a new Japanese service provides a virtual wife that emails you each day, and nags you to stick to your weight loss plan. And Wired reported last week that a 43-year-old woman has been arrested on suspicion of hacking into an online game where she killed her once-virtual husband. Meanwhile, Y-Netnews reported last week that Iranian parliament Speaker Ali Larijani said Iran would prefer Democrat Barack Obama in the White House next year because he’s “more rational”. Pundits debate the benefits of fake reality and Iran’s definition of “rational.”

“I have to believe that the rantings of Iranian President Ahmadinejad about wiping Israel off the face of the earth, and his claims that the Jewish Holocaust never happened, are part of the Iranian definition of ‘rational’; and since these guys think Obama would be the best president for the U.S. because he has the same kind of ‘rational’ they have, I’m voting for McCain on that basis alone,” said Sane Persson, a regular American taxpayer clinging to god and guns while praying for the return of common sense to U.S. government. “I mean, let’s think about this for a second. The people who hate us the most are calling a first term junior senator with zero foreign policy experience the guy who should be running our country. If we miss the real meaning behind that statement, all we’ll have left is a virtual hope for a saving change. Beam me up Scotty, there’s no intelligent life down here!”

Not everyone agrees with Sane Persson. “It’s important that the U.S. elects someone who will engage with terrorists and America-hating leaders in order to learn what they want us to change into so they’ll like us better, and Obama’s the man because he gets along fine with America-haters in this country — Bill Ayers, Jeremiah Wright, Louis Farrakhan — and a host of others,” said Dimm Bulbb, an unemployed Democrat with a journalism degree, who looks to make out big in an Obama presidency and finally move out of his parents basement. “John McCain can’t do it because he doesn’t get along with people who oppress others; his stint in Vietnam proves that. He could have given in and went along with his captors but he refused. And his running mate Sarah Palin, she can’t do it, because she reformed her own Party in Alaska, cut government expenses and taxes, while increasing state oil revenues by negotiating with the big oil companies. She’d never bend to the will of OPEC or let pork-barrel spending go on unabated. Nope, McCain and Palin are not suited for D.C. Barack is our man, and with Biden routinely predicting future disasters ahead of time, we’ll always be able to see terrible shit coming. In fact a Democrat White House plus both Houses of Congress guarantees it. I’m feeling more confident in the future all the time!”

Y-Netnews reported that Iranian parliament Speaker Ali Larijani said Wednesday that Iran would prefer Democrat Barack Obama in the White House next year. “We are leaning more in favor of Barack Obama because he is more flexible and rational, even though we know American policy will not change that much,” Larijani said at a press conference during a visit to Bahrain. Larijani, a leading figure in the conservative camp in Iran, also said the United States was too busy dealing with the global financial crisis to consider waging an attack on Iran. “The risk was low before,” he said. “But now I am 100% certain that the United States will not unleash a war against Iran. The economic crisis has cost the United States $1.4 trillion and Washington is working to resolve its internal problems and not a war.”

Gizmodo reported that lonely Japanese fatties now have a new way to make themselves lose weight: a virtual nagging wife. Metaboinfo.com allows you to set up a weight loss plan, then assign one of four “wives” (aid, businesswoman, nurse or salon worker) to email you on a daily basis. Depending on whether you’re ahead or behind the curve, you’ll get nice or super annoying email customized for your current status. This reminds us a lot of the Japanese DVD that teaches you confidence by having women stare at you for an hour and a half. Oh, Japan!

Wired reported that a 43-year-old Japanese woman, angry over a sudden divorce in the virtual online game Maple Story, has been arrested on suspicion of hacking into the game where she killed her once-virtual husband, authorities said. Authorities said the Miyazaki woman illegally accessed the game with a password she hijacked from a colleague. That made it appear as if her coworker committed the online murder. According to The Associated Press, the woman told police: “I was suddenly divorced, without a word of warning. That made me so angry.” The hacking allegation carries a maximum five-year prison term. Some people say that the woman — as well as Al Qaeda, Hamas, Iran, North Korea and Russia — are only bad in a virtual way, and are not dangerous in reality.

“The idea that there are any really bad people, organizations or countries is just a virtual concept being purported by those who want military money to spend on gadgets and gizmos and want American’s to be placated and docile and do whatever they’re told,” said someone claiming to be Michael Moore, a movie maker and secret MENSA member, whose giant brain is housed in a giant body and is mostly intellectual blubber. “The day America completely adopts a socialist system with Cuban healthcare, Venezuelan management-style and Russian-Iranian attitudes about freedom, is the day Utopia comes to set us free. Now if I could get that damn nagging virtual wife to get off my ass about my weight I’d really be happy about how things are going. If she keeps this up I may have to get that Palin email hacker to take the bitch out.”

In other news, WTAE Pittsburg reported that two men stole a purse from an unlocked car in Westmoreland County and went on a shopping spree at a porn store. The article said that after taking the purse the suspects entered the Novelties and Gifts Adult Book Store on Route 22 near Blairsville, Indiana County, where police say they purchased about $200 worth of pornographic materials using one of the stolen credit cards. No word on whether the thieves like real or virtual sex, but if Obama gets his way crime will almost certainly go down, because he’ll give these guys your money to buy porn with. Peace and happiness isn’t just for the Iranians anymore.

(C) 2008 InebriatedPress.com

Comments Off on Virtual Wife Nags as Virtual Husband Killed, Actual Iran Backs Obama

Filed under Division of Rant (with Pretzels), Humor